The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes

Quiz: Are You Simmons, Klosterman, Smith, or Reilly?

2010-07-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

A life question if there ever was one, the following quiz will provide you an answer to the age-old head-scratcher, "Am I more like Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, Stephen A. Smith, or Rick Reilly?"

1) What is your drug of choice?

A) Cocaine
B) Marijuana
B) Rogaine
D) Airtime

2) What would likely be your steed on a cross-country road trip?

A) An Escalade
B) A Taurus
C) A BMW
B) A Pony

3) Which of the following is your favorite snack?

A) Dunkin' Donuts
B) Olive Garden Breadsticks
C) C-Doods
D) Dripping Melted Cheese

4) Who would you most prefer to interview?

A) A gay one-legged single mother who follows the Toledo Mudhens very closely
B) I'd rather be interviewed
C) Rajon Rondo
D) Jeff Tweedy

5) Which of the following albums gets the most iPod mileage?

A) Exile on Main Street - the Rolling Stones
B) Ten - Pearl Jam
C) This Is How We Do It - Montel Jordan
D) Making Love - The Very Best of Air Supply

6) Obscure reference of choice?

A) Jorge Lugo
B) Queensryche
C) Ray Pruitt
D) Steve Harvey

7) Which of the following sects would you would most prefer to think highly of you?

A) Your Negroes
B) Hipster/Indie Crossover Sportsfans
C) Frat guys, Former Frat Guys, and Future Frat Guys - all of whom think sports are extremely important
D) Sensitive Moms

8) Which of the following do you find the least annoying?

A) Ironic use of a word you previously ridiculed (i.e., trenchant)
B) Abbreviations of phrases you previously ridiculed (i.e. TUP for tremendous upside potential)
C) Food Metaphors (hold on one second, hahahahahhhahahaha. K, sorry)
D) Using the third person in reference to oneself

9) Who do you like (or in some instances, think you would have liked) the most of the following athletes?

A) Larry Bird
B) Roger Staubach
C) Allen Iverson
D) Lance Armstong

10) What is your favorite song about rain (Yes, I am running on fumes here, but I like an even 10 questions)?

A) Thunderstruck - AC/DC
B) I Wish It Would Rain - Bryan McKnight
C) I Love a Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbit
D) Blame It on the Rain - Milli Vanilli

Scoring:

1) A: 1, B: 3, C: 9, D: 6
2) A: 6, B: 3, C: 1, D: 9
3) A: 1, B: 3, C: 6, D: 9
4) A: 9, B: 6, C: 1, D: 3
5) A: 3, B: 1, C: 6, D: 9
6) A: 9, B: 3, C: 1, D: 6
7) A: 6, B: 3, C: 1, D: 9
8) A: 3, B: 1, C: 9, D: 6
9) A: 1, B: 3, C: 6, D: 9
10) A: 1, B: 6, C: 3, D: 9

Tallying the Results:

Add up your total score:

1-19: You are Bill Simmons
20-42: You are Chuck Klosterman
43-59: You are Stephen A. Smith
60+: You are Rick Reilly

If for some reason you are curious, I score a solid Klosterman, but I suppose that is by design since I made up the questions. Bye.

GoWF LOST: Episode 1

2010-06-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Editors Note: This is the first installment of bizarro-world Lost starring some of our favorite characters from around the sports world. Before you dive in to Episode 1, it’s essential that you read the preamble from last week detailing the cast of characters and their Lost counterparts. Hope you enjoy!

The story begins on day 17, with the majority of the Losties huddled around a towering campfire. The group has long since fabricated their camps beachside and begun to resemble an island community. The survivors have started to realize that going home may not be an immediate option. Further, the group has explored the island in some detail – locating the first of the hatches as well as the wreckage from both an airplane and pirate ship. At this point, the tribe is getting restless and they don’t know where to throw themselves. After a long day of preparation, Tom Brady, the interim leader of the group, is set to address the assembly.

Tom Brady (standing and animated in front of a group seated in a circle around the fire): Alright, is everybody here? Folks, it’s time we start thinking like a team. We’ve tried the short-term “help we’re stuck on an island” clichés and they simply have not worked. Writing messages in the sand and blowing smoke signals is for TV shows. It’s time we start thinking longer-term. I know that none of us want to admit to ourselves that we’re not going home, but it’s time to start thinking that way. The way I see it, we have three options. Number One: we can devote our collective energies to fixing up the old pirate ship and try to get ourselves off this island. Number Two: we can try to figure out what is really behind this whole “island” and why we all lived through the crash. Number Three: We can try to find the secret treasure that is inevitably hidden somewhere on this strange island.

Meanwhile, the silhouettes of Dock Ellis and Bill Walton appear from out of the woods. They are laughing hard with their arms around one another as they stumble their way into the circle surrounding the campfire.

Tom Brady: Glad you too knucklefucks could join us. Do you mind me asking, what was so important that you could not make it to the assembly meeting? This is an important meeting in which we should all take part.

Dock Ellis is biting his lower lip trying to contain his laughter when Walton speaks up.

Bill Walton: We can’t find our car (bursts out laughing). We found this AMAZING Volkswagen van in the woods (hands waving in the air as he gets overexcited), got it running, and were jamming out to some good tunes – well at least in Doc’s opinion – but then we got out for some air and we lost the thing.

Brady: Maybe if you two would stop eating all these random plants and licking all the toads and lizards, you wouldn’t keep screwing shit up. Anyway, just sit there and be quiet. We have work to do. Where was I? Oh yeah, so we should take a vote. All those in favor of the boat, raise your hand?

Sasha Cohen raises her hand and immediately Mark Cuban follows suit and starts yapping.

Mark Cuban (nearly hyperventilating): Guys, we need to fix the ship! It’s the only way we can get Sasha Cohen off the island with her baby. She has a baby and the baby needs to be cared for like a… a baby.

Dock Ellis: Shit up, Cuban. You’re gonna die soon. Everybody knows it.

Bill Walton: It’s true, that dude sees the future. He told me about all it. You can try to stop it, but very much like the Grateful Dead in May ‘77, some things were just meant to be.

Tom Brady: OK, two votes for the ship. Who wants to focus on the mysteries of the island and how the hatch plays into this whole thing.

Brett Favre raises his hand.

Brett Favre: I’m old and my joints feel damn good on this island. I was gonna retire after this season anyway. I think we’re meant to be here. The island brought us here. Last night, I was trying to sleep and I heard voices. It was Aaron Rodgers and he told me to “GET LOST.” I think I was put on this island for a reason.

Jackie Christie slowly raises her hand as well.

Jackie Christie: Everyone, I’m really scared. It’s been 17 days I still haven’t found Doug. Normally, he wears a Taser bracelet that shocks him repeatedly whenever he gets outside of a 20 yard radius from me. I think he might be dead.

Tom Brady: Um, ok. So, that’s two votes for the solving the mystery of the island. Last but not least, who want to look for treasure?

The remaining Losties raise their hands, followed by some Ichiro fist pumps and a high five between Maglio Ordonez and Missy Gibson. Ray Lewis pinches Missy’s ass while she is busy giving the high five and turns around and slaps him.

Tom Brady: Ray Lewis, do you have something to say?

Ray Lewis: Shut the fuck up, pretty boy. I’ll make you my bitch. You too, freckles. You and me, my tent, after the meeting. Wear something sexy.

Missy Gibson: In your dreams Ray Lewis. And why do you keep calling me freckles? I don’t even have freckles.

Tom Brady: Well, that settles it. I guess we’re looking for the secret treasure that we can only assume is on this island, because all deserted islands have a treasure, right? We’ll need to split into teams. Missy, Maglio, Bill Walton, Mark Cuban, and Brett Favre; you’re coming with me. We’ll head into the jungle tomorrow morning to start looking for clues. Everyone else, you’ll maintain the camp: fish, pick berries, and get rid of those horrible farmer’s tans. You people are so painfully ugly.

Ray Lewis: Nice try, eye black. You’re not running off into the forest with all the good poon. I’m coming with. Plus, I got the guns.

Tom Brady: What? Where did you get the guns?

Ray Lewis: None of your business, baby daddy. Just remember, Ray Lewis has two kinds. The ones attached to his shoulders and the ones that’ll blow your mutha fuckin’ head off.

RAY LEWIS FLASHBACK:

Ray Lewis: Dogg, I’m drunk as a mutherfucker. Let’s go get some Champ Burgers at Checkers and Hot Apple Turnovers. They got Checkers in Atlanta, right?

Ray’s Cronie: Hold on a minute. See this bitch rollin’ out right here. Nigga got up my mix – called my mama a semen dumpster. Watch this. I’m gonna bust him upside his head with this champagne bottle.

Ray’s Other Cronie: Do it, dogg. You finna fuck his shit UP.

Ray Lewis: If we just kill them, then can we get a Champ Burger?

Ray’s Cronie: Yes.

Crack. Pop. Pop. Cloud of Dust. Ray and his two buddies jump in the Escalade and peel out. Everyone disseminates.... Well, everyone except for the two dead guys.

Tom Brady: Ray… Ray?

Ray Lewis: Oh yeah, I’m here. I’m with you guys. Tomorrow morning, first thing. Right.

The fire trickles as we see the Losties part ways and head to their respective shelters. Meanwhile, we see two sets of yellow eyes peering from the woods through the darkness.

Gadooosh. LOST.

Brett Favre Gettin Jiggy

2009-08-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Recognize that smooth cat in the middle of the bunk sandwich?

The Ten Most Beloved/Transcendent/Memorable Detroit Sports Figures

2009-05-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Let's face it; the city of Detroit is bleeding like a stab wound (both economically and literally) and could use a little pick-me-up, something to stop the bleeding.

In case you have never seen a sports movie; when the going gets tough and the townspeople get down on their luck, the factories shut down, and the houses get foreclosed, it's the sports teams that pull through to raise the spirit. Thanks to Johan Franzen and the Wings, Detroiters have a little something to live for these days, as another cup looks plausible.

Unfortunately, despite the 'Hockeytown" moniker, Detroit needs a true hero to pick up the collective morale. Thus, given our penchant for the making of lists, let's go back through the annals of time (or at least our childhoods) and look at the great beloved Detroit sports personas of all time.

1) Steve Yzerman - Yzerman is and always will be the embodiment of Detroit. Stevie "Y" led Hockeytown to the Cups, played every single game of his pro career with the Wings, and played an inspired pro career spanning 24 years. To cap it off, the NHL fans voted Stevie the NHL's greatest captain. Damn straight.

2) Barry Sanders - Undeniably the biggest star ever to play a sport in Detroit and by far the most beloved, Barry exhibited the sportsmanship, the skill, and the swerve to inspire legions of youngsters to wear #20. Unfortunately, he now sits at number two on the list as he ended his career with a big diss of his franchise, but still, he never did play for any other town or ask to be traded. He just walked away when he'd seen enough. And can you blame him, it's the Lions? We'll always love him and know he'll always be the best.

3) Joe Dumars - Growing up a Pistons fan in the Bad Boys heyday, most kids sported Isiah jerseys or the savvier, hipster kids rocked a Worm jersey, because that was when Rodman was still cool and wore the shortest shorts in the NBA. Everybody appreciated Dumars for his smart reliable play and marksmanship from behind the arc, but rarely did he steal the highlight reel. Still, when MJ came to town, guess who would shut him down? When the Pistons needed a big game, guess who dropped 40 and gave the net a nasty case of leather burn? And when the Pistons franchise was stuck in expansion team blue uniforms with "horsepower" logo, guess who came into the front office to right the ship and win one more title? Yup, Joe D.

Ok fine: The jury is still out on his career as the GM. We forgive you for Darko, but you've gotta rebuild the engine from the bottom up to usher in a new era of DETROIT BASKETBALL. Our tip, hold off on spending until next season. I fear Carlos Boozer signs for a max deal and sits half the season with a swollen ego, er knee.

4) Chauncey Billups - Nobody is singing Cinderella in Detroit about the Billups-Iverson trade this year, believe me. Us Detroit fans knew we had a special player. Don't believe me, check out this old post where we rallied all the Detroit blog friends we could round up to sing our praises and try to convince Mr. Big Shot to stay put the last time the trade rumors surfaced. Go win a championship in Denver, Chauncey. You deserve it.

5) Robocop - Technically not a professional athlete, but he gave his all to the mean streets of Detroit. Plus, Murphy was a specimen. He ran a blazing "40" and could have gone pro in any number of sports, but rather chose to devote his life to putting criminals behind bars. He will always be revered in Detroit. "Dead or Alive...you're coming with me."

6) Sparky Anderson - "Bless you Boys." The lovable manager by the name of Sparky assembled the team that changed the world for my generation of Detroit sports fans (the '84 Tigers). While Sparky arguably experienced his best years as a Cincinnati Red in the 1970s, his cartoonish face and World Series crown earn him an easy place on the list. Plus, he shares a nickname with Clark Griswold.

7) Bill Laimbeer - Despite winning multiple titles with the Pistons and leading the orchestra of the Shock for however many more, Laimbeer stuck fear into his opponents. Make no mistake, people claim to have hated Laimbeer and made fun of his white boy gumpy style, but they were scared. Laimbeer was the enforcer on that team and taught Detroit that we like teams to hate us. Bring it on.

8) Nicklas Lidstrom - Arguably the best NHL defenseman of the past twenty years, Nik also lasted his entire career in Detroit. Nicklas is best summed up by looking at his assists, 769 total. He was nominated for the Norris nine out of the past ten seasons and winning six of the past seven. Yeah, he's pretty good. More importantly though, Lidstrom is a team player. Never the biggest guy weighing in at just 190 pounds, Lidstrom racks up endless minutes and plays through pain, missing just 17 games in 13 seasons. Not too many guys stick to the same team for their whole careers, so when a star like Lidstrom comes to town and stays for good, we should all be thanking our lucky stars.

9) Herman Moore - A personal favorite in Lions history, Herman Moore (before the hand injury) was one of the great - and most underrated - wide receivers in NFL history. You can't always measure the impact of a guy like Moore on a stat sheet. Oh wait nevermind, he once caught 123 balls in a single season (an NFL record at the time). He also tallied three 100+ catch seasons and notched 62 touchdowns. Herm dominated the red zone, perfecting the corner toss up and is largely responsible for the popularity of the huge wide receiver. Catching a touchdown pass for Herman Moore was more about dominating his opponent and getting position, rather than making an athletic diving grab. It didn't hurt that he also set the University of Virginia record for the high jump. I used to wonder if his gloves were smothered in Big League Chew, because the ball just stuck to those hands. Once Herman got near the corner and the ball left the QB's hands (even if it was Scott Mitchell, Eric Kramer, Dave Krieg, or Rodney Peete), you could mark six on your score sheet. God Bless Wayne's Run and Shoot.

10) Kirk Gibson - A former MSU Spartan and duel sports star, Gibby ruled the world back in the day. Shit, we all felt like he hit that homerun and gimped around the bases for Detroit in the 88 World Series, not the Dodgers. He was still a part of us.

Honorable Mentions: Ben Wallace, Allan Trammel, Lou Whitaker, Paul and Gary Gait, Jerry Ball, Chet Lemon, Jack Morris, Darrell Evans, Dave Bergman, and Darren McCarty.

Oh yeah, feel free to chat up all those that we missed. We are only human.

You Are Annoying Fake Tom Brady

2009-05-07T07:51:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate to admit that I actually buy this magazine now and again, have you ever noticed every issue of Men's Health is exactly the same? I'm not really sure how they get away with this, but save for maybe a couple 500 word pieces on some dapper metrosexual, they literally rerun the exact same articles month in, month out.

As hard as it is to believe that people do not get upset by this, I think they probably get away with it, because most readers are probably like me and only pick up an issue once in awhile when they need something to read on a flight. Granted the magazine has a pretty huge readership, but still they must have a small population of regular readers.

Well, this always annoyed me, but what has really taken my hatred of David Zinczenko to a new level, the man behind this fluff crap magazine, is the fact that now the front page of Yahoo! runs these same stupid articles at least once a week now too.

How long is it going to take before somebody realizes that this guy is recycling the same two piece-of-trash articles on repeat no less than 10,000 times? And the guy is neither a doctor nor a nutritionist, so why is he considered such an expert that we should all continue reading his insightful two articles?

If you are wondering what the two articles I refer to are; I'll remind you.

1) How Should I Get Flat Abs?

You should do this sweet 15 minute workout consisting of a variety of ab exercises.

2) What Should I Eat?

Superfoods! You should eat things like tuna, almonds, green leafy vegetables, peanut butter, salmon, blueberries, red beans, and grilled chicken.

Oh and since I am an expert, I better remind you that you should not eat copious amounts of Popeye's Chicken, Taco Bell, Beer, or quadruple cheeseburgers. Now you are on your way to looking good.

Thanks for the tips you ass. I never would have thought of those fail proof approaches to six-pack abs. Now think of something new to write and stop patronizing us pillowy men everywhere. Don't you get it? We want to know the secret to six pack abs without doing any work, while drinking 18 beers a day and eating the Popeye's Chicken. So figure that out with your PhD in douche, smarty pants. Until you do, we continue to hate you Fake Tom Brady.

Getting to Know the OTB (Off Track Betting)

2009-05-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Given it's derby weekend, we thought we'd provide the sphere with a little carnal knowledge on an integral part of the weekend. You see, ever since the demise of internet gambling, betting on horseracing has become a bit trickier. Fortunately, while our righteous lawmakers consider it immoral to bet on human sports, there’s seems to be a loophole that we can freely blow our personal fortunes on sport, just as long as it includes the mistreatment of animals. To make a long story short, I am referring to the ability to go to the OTB (Off Track Betting) and lay down bets on horse racing. Manhattan is littered with OTBs and you know when one is near. There is an aura emanating from the OTB for at least a one block radius, or maybe it is the fog of 27 packs of cigarettes being smoked per hour. I’m not sure. Either way, a trip to the OTB is a cultural experience that I recommend to all, just not very often.

A trip to the OTB can be intimidating, so I will do my best to prepare any first timers for the seedy underbelly (read: pit of hell) you can expect to encounter. First and foremost, there are various types of characters you will likely run into at the OTB:

The Grandpa – I call this individual the Grandpa, because he reminds me of the way things were with my own Grandpa. This is the guy usually sitting in the one random chair outside the OTB with his own ashtray. Much like at family reunions, the old man always had the best chair and nobody ever sits in it, even if he went to in the kitchen or to the throne. He also had his own personal ashtray with cigarettes miraculously dangling a four inch ash at all times. It’s important to clarify that the Grandpa is not necessarily old, but garners respect and has his own chair. You get the idea. The Grandpa is at the top of the OTB food chain.

The Toadies – The toadies are part of the regular OTB circuit. These are the guys who act like it’s no big deal that it’s the Kentucky Derby. For them, it’s just another day at the office. These dudes earned their nickname from the toadies in The Christmas Story. The toadies were the shits who thought they were tough, because they rolled with Farkus. These guys act the part, but you can just sense they are waiting to see which horses the one or two gurus go with before they place their bets. The toadies dress like the stereotypical seedy gambler from the movies and basically just flip through magazines all day. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys never actually bet, but rather preferred to just hang out for lack of anything better to do.

The Mike Dexter – This is the guy who really has no clue what he is doing, but he comes in with his group of buddies, so he acts like he knows it all. Maybe, this guy has done this once before, but he is the kind of person who would pretend to know everything about quantum psychics if he thought his friends would be impressed. He’ll probably announce multiple times to the whole room that “Dude, Curlin’ is totally gonna kick ass. He looked great at the Bluegrass his last time out.” Clearly, he picks a favored horse and rattles off a factoid that he snagged from USA Today earlier in the day. By the way, he gets his name from Mike Dexter, the douche in the epic film, Can’t Hardly Wait. This is the guy who thinks he is the bomb, but in actuality, nobody can stand him.

The Psu-Psu-Pseudos – This is a staple at the OTB or any Sportsbook in Las Vegas. Yes, it’s the pack of usually four, but up to 10 “dudes” in their mid-to-late 20’s, even early 30’s pretending to be high rollers. These guys roll into the OTB with the sole intent on placing a handful of $10-$20 wagers, including a “ballzy” $30 trifecta box. Yet, you’ll see these guys clenching their ticket in their lifeless hand as the race ensues as if they are holding a $2000 betting slip. And you’ll always know when they make pull off a $15 “across the board” winner, because they won’t shut up about it. Wait, did I just describe myself?

The Michael Jordan – These guys just know what they are doing. Customary profile is loafers with no socks, short khaki shorts. They are the big fish in the small pond filled with minnows…they are a whale, is more like it. They carry a paper tucked under one arm with their favorite handy-capping magazine in tow. We call them Jordan’s because they are strictly business and their intent is for a hefty wager, but they rarely have the lock picks. In essence they are degenerates in disguise. You can’t hide behind a cigar…we see through you.

The Girlfriends – Guys, bring your girlfriends at your own risk. Keep in mind that the guys who frequent the OTB don’t see a whole lot of these "girl" things. The OTB regulars will do everything in their power to start up conversations to show off their horseracing prowess to your ladies. Next thing you know, the poor girls are wrapped up in long-winded diatribes about the trainers, their stables, and the condition of the mud in Louisville. Undoubtedly, the girls will respond with a comment like, “Ooooh, that one has cat in the name. I love cats.”

The Preston Winchester III – These guys are the worst. This is the guy who rolls in and wants to make a show of how much money he is about to bet. This guy has seen the derby on TV and thinks it is a fashion show and that his Derby party in the Upper East Side is going to be “the” place to be on Saturday. So, he needs to roll into his party with OTB tickets showing big money bets. Little does he know, half of the people in the OTB would probably follow him out and slit his neck if they wouldn’t miss the race in order to do it.

In addition to familiarizing yourself with the cast of characters, you will need to know how to place a bet. The best advice I can tell you is use the automated machine. The OTB is a scary place and you will be made to feel inferior in every way possible when you go to the counter. Granted, if you go to the automated machine, you have about a 15% chance of placing the bet you actually intended, but you do not have to expose yourself to the humiliation of being embarrased by the OTB henchmen. True story, I cone accidentally won $600 doolars by betting my horse at the complete wrong track (aka, during the derby, but not the derby). Plus, when you bet with the automated machine, you can come back and insert your tickets to check if you won. Believe me, if you are inexperienced with the OTB, there is a solid chance that you will not know if and how much you won. This is a good thing.

Well, I hope this little tutorial inspires everyone to go out and blow some money. Considering the state of economy, I can't think of an easier way to get out of those financial troubles than to head over to the OTB. Until next time, D-Gens. Out.

How Bad Are the Lions on Draft Day?

2009-04-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

Lions fans and non-Lions fans alike perpetually joke about the woeful draft history of the Matt Millen era, but today over lunch (two crunchy chicken tacos, one soft corn tortilla steak, side of Mexican rice, some chips and uber mediocre salsa), I poured through the draft analysis in the recent Sporting News and saw this woefulness quantified.

The Sporting News issue puts forth a solid team-by-team needs analysis, but what I really love about their draft issue is that there is a team-by-team grade for the last 5 years of draft performance with legit stats to back it up. The issue lists the total number of draft picks over the past 5 years, the number of studs (loose term, but we can all pretty much agree on who is a stud and who isn't, so I trust 'em), number of starters, number of backups, number of players on other teams, and number of players no longer in the NFL.

Guess who received the worst grade? Yup, the Lions earned themselves a D-. Of the 36 picks the Lions selected in the past five drafts, they landed zero studs and only five starters. What really seals the awesomeness of this team's level of failure though, is the number of players no longer in the league.

11 of the 36 picks are not even in the NFL.

Remember, that's just a five year history. Maybe if this was at least a ten year history, that would make a little sense, but come on, that means over half those guys were drafted in the past three seasons. They aren't even 25 yet! That is 31% of all picks that are not even in the damn league.

Well, we can only continue to hope that the new administration will have a better track record. This is a key weekend coming for Detroit football as the Lions have one of the most stacked draft days they have ever seen and may ever see again. It's not often you get the first pick in the whole draft, another first round pick, and an extra 3rd and 5th rounder. The Roy Williams trade to Dallas was in my mind the best personnel move the Lions have probably ever made in my long time as a fan. I'm not exaggerating for once; I mean that. Now let's hope they take the opportunity to make this team a powerhouse on the defensive side of the ball.

For the record, my opinion on the consensus Matt Stafford pick in the first spot is "ignore the roar." I'm with the contrarians who say trade down (if anybody actually wants to trade up in this crap class of top picks) or let the clock run out. Either way, I'd take Aaron Curry (and Laurinaitis later). Risking another dud quarterback is just not a safe risk to take. The team needs to fill way too many holes with safe picks that will provide some return to risk yet another default.

As per usual, the optimism is a flowing with a little over a week to go and we're crossing our fingers for a big weekend. If there's one thing I always say that's great about being a Lion's fan, it's that the off-season is always a lot of fun. Hopefully, we'll have some reason to celebrate.

Have We Not Suffered Enough?

2009-04-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Really, Greg Paulus? While we're at it, let's see what Bobby Hurley is doing. Maybe he'd like me to wash his car? Is there nothing sacred?

Cabrera Homers Twice, Owns Blue Jays

2009-04-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

In light of the Tiger's unfathomably disappointing 2008 season, Miguel Cabrera obviously provided one of the lone bright spots. Amidst the heaping steamy pile of losses, Cabrera stashed away a .292 batting average, 37 home runs, and 127 RBIs in what was not quite a MVP caliber season, but it wasn't that far off either.

Well, thus far in the 2009 season, Cabrera looks like he wants a full scale run at it. Through three games, Cabrera notched 3 multi-hit outings and currently wields a modest .700 average. Last night, he tallied two dingers and 4 RBIs to give the Tigers their first win of the season, and more importantly, avoid the 0-7 start that we were all thinking of in the back of our minds.

Sure, it's early and this could be a flash in the pan, but once Ordonez and Granderson start hitting, the top of this order should be one of the best in baseball. And hey, we're already better than the Yankees.

A Zoom Zoom in a Zoom Zoom

2009-04-08T10:48:00.001-07:00

With two new stadiums in my neck of the woods in the new Mets and Yankees digs, I'm hoping to make a solid effort to pay a little attention to baseball this year. I say it every year and it usually lasts about two weeks before the reality sets in that fantasy baseball sucks dong and watching games is only fun at the ballpark.

Still, this year, I will stick it out. Hell, I made it out to the first ever baseball game played at Citi field, even if it was a St. John's game. Nice place though, Citi Field. The food is not all its cracked up to be, but there are lots of good spots to hang out besides the actual seat, Caesars Palace and up by the scoreboard being the best.

Anyway, the problem is the Tigers look like crap again. Off to an 0-2 start against the Jays, things are looking a little grim. The starting rotation looks fine as does the offense, so it's clear that the success or failure of the entire season rests in the hands (or Sega Thumb) of one man, Joel Zumaya. Without Zumaya, we have no hope. Maybe that's hyperbole, but with the likes of Rincon, Rodney, Lyon and Robertson in the bullpen, I honestly think with Zumaya there's playoff potential, without, there's 90 loss potential.

Zumaya is allegedly about a week away from resuming activity in the minors and hopes to be back in two weeks. Thus in about two months Zumaya should be back and playing Tiger baseball. Are the Ghosts the least bit optimistic? No, but the thought of his return would certainly increase the odds of an interesting season for a Tigers fan. After last season's disappointment, we could sure use a little zoom zoom in our zoom zoom.

Memory Lane: Mateen's "One Shining Moment"

2009-04-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

Yes, you're sure to hear this story at least once this weekend. Shit, you've probably already read it and this is simply beating the dead horse. However, we can all agree the signature moment of the NCAA tournament comes just after the nets are cut and drum roll...it's one shining moment. The thrills, chills, spills, agony and glory are delicately cut and spliced into a magical little montage.

Well, who doesn't love that moment? Some more than others. And on the eve of the Final Four and yet, another Tom Izzo team entering the final weekend, this only seemed fitting. Izzo has forged the Michigan State basketball program into something beyond special. The win over Louisville was signature Izzo, heart and soul. And that heart and soul was forged from a warrior by the name of Mateen Cleaves.

Along with Izzo, Cleaves helped to shape a new culture for Spartans basketball. For many, Magic Johnson will always remain the face of Spartans Hoops, but notching 1A on that list has to be Mateen. Everything you see from the Spartans of today was forged through Mateen's dream. Izzo preached this dream in his pre-game speech prior to the Spartans simply dismantling Louisville. And we certainly won't hear the end of Mateen's dream story this weekend, that's for certain.

Shit, we'll probably even see Mateen sitting at Ford Field in one of his vintage sweaters. Regardless, I can't help, but sift down memory lane in appreciation. The Spartans went to three Final Fours and won a Championship in my time at Michigan State. The first Final Four trip incited riots when we lost to Duke. Nowadays, the Final Four just seems logical every single season for Sparty. A lot to do with Izzo, but also a lot to do with Mateen Cleaves.

So, check out some nostalgia with this good link and back story from Mateen and Izzo, but also for all Spartan fans...relive the glory and hope for another "One Shining Moment" come Monday. Lord knows Mateen deserves to see another dream fulfilled. Sparty On!

Ask An Expert: Jack Bauer

2009-04-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yowza, we nearly let March Madness slip by without inviting even but one of our favorite minds to talk some hoops and lay down their perspective on the tournament. This year, we're gonna try to catch up with Jack Bauer on his cell phone. We all know he has some pretty busy days, so hopefully we can catch him. Let's get him on the horn...

Me: Jack, it's Entwistle. Got a second?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Go ahead.

Me: So it's down to the Final Four, what do make of the Road to Detroit thus far?

Jack Bauer (whispering): The Road to Detoit? One second. Chloe, it's Jack. Get me the schematics on Detroit International Airport. There should be an access road leading us to Gradenko.

Me: Not an access road, you know the NCAA tournament? This season it is in Detroit, do you think that provides Michigan State with an inside advantage?

Jack Bauer (whispering): There's a breach inside the FBI? I don't know how they got through the firewall, but our infrastructure is exposed. Somebody must have gotten a hold of the CIT device? This never would have happened at CTU.

Me: I bet it was Goran Suton. He seems like a terrorist.

Jack Bauer (whispering): Chloe, I need you to run a cross reference on a Goran Suton with Victor Brazen and Andre Drazen. We may have a mole on the inside.

Me: What do you make of UConn's chances to take over and win this thing? Hasheem Thabeet seems like the real deal?

Jack Bauer (whispering): We have reason to believe that Hasheem Thabeet is working with Dubaku and the Sengalis. I need to call Tony Almeida.

Me: You know what you should do? Go back to 1985 when you were awesome. Speaking of 1985, how annoying is all this talk about Villanova's 1985 season? Do you have idea how long ago that was?

Jack Bauer (whispering): I'm only like 7 days old.

Me: What ever happened to your daughter? She was the only reason I watched the show and now it sucks, but I still watch it, because I feel obligated or something?

Jack Bauer (whispering): She moved in with the original kidnapper from season 2, you know the guy who looked like Johnny Drama.

Me: How come CTU is supposedly closed, but everybody works in the exact same building and does the exact same stuff?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Things aren't always as they seem. Harris Barnes is actually Habib Marwan.

Me: Did you ever notice that if you do a google image search for Roy Williams, all the entries are of the wide receiver and none of the basketball coach. Do you think he has a CIT device or something?

Jack Bauer (whispering): Shut up before I snap your arm in half...

Me: Fine.

Ten Awesome Reminders Just How Long It Has Been Since Michigan Made It To The Dance

2009-03-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

They used to have this thing called the NCAA tournament and it was just amazing. We had this guy called Glen Rice who could just dominate. He could hit from outside, score in the post, and he even played defense. This dude Rumeal Robinson was fast like a minotaur and could make his own free throws. We even used to have this thing called the Fab 5 where they rounded up all the biggest criminals in the greater metro Detroit area and promised that in exchange for scoring lots of points, they didn’t have to play for a coach or learn anything about college. Ah, the good old days. Even that guy Maurice Taylor was pretty good until he went and rolled the Explorer with that lousy prima donna, Mateen Cleeves.

March 18, 1998 may seem an insignificant date to you stupid jerks, but not to me. You see that my friends is the last time the Wolverines set foot in a tournament that did not provide its victor with a one way flight to Italy. It may seem like a long time ago to you, but believe me, it’s longer for us. How long? This long…

1) The Sega Dreamcast is made first available in Japan.

2) Monica Lewinsky scandal: Ex-White House intern Monica Lewinsky receives transactional immunity, in exchange for her grand jury testimony concerning her relationship with U.S. President Bill Clinton.

3) Jim Carrey won Best Actor for the Truman Show. Awesome movie.

4) Citicorp and Travelers Group announce plans to merge, creating the largest financial-services conglomerate in the world, Citigroup.

5) The Chicago Bulls win their 6th NBA title in 8 years when they beat the Utah Jazz, 87-86 in Game 6. This is also Michael Jordan's last game as a Bull, clinching the game in the final seconds on a fadeaway jumper.

6) The Big Lebowski debuted in theaters nationwide to seriously mixed reviews.

7) For the first time ever, smoking is banned in California restaurants and bars.

8) Google, Inc. is founded in Menlo Park, California, by Stanford University Ph.D. candidates Larry Page and Sergey Brin

9) Seinfeld aired its last episode to 76 million viewers and the gang ended up in the slammer.

10) Coldplay, the Strokes, and Okkervil River formed. Neutral Milk Hotel broke up.

If there is one good thing to come of having your favorite team dragged through the mud for eleven years in the wake of a scandal, it’s the expectations. It no longer matters if we make it out of the first round or achieve absolutely anything at all from here on out; getting to the dance is more than enough. I feel like Sienna. Wait what? Sienna made the tournament four of the past five years? Fine, I feel like Manhattan. What? Even the Jaspers made it twice since we’ve been away? Ouch. Forget it, gimme those shoes Cousin Eddie; lets go dancing.

Source: wikipedia

Phish Returns this Weekend, but are they Really Gonna Be...Back?

2009-03-02T18:59:00.000-08:00

Big Shocker for the topic of the week, huh? Yup, that's right after what seems like an eternity Phish returns to the stage this weekend in their home-court venue or as close as it gets to home, the Hampton Coliseum in Hampton, VA. In my younger days (that makes me sound so old), I ventured to Hampton twice, during the 1999 Holiday run and the re-union shows of 2003.

Ah yes, for those fortunate enough to be going - cherish the event and spectacle that it is. For me, each venture was quite the difference in contrast. In 1999, I skipped an exam in college and drove about 95 mph with my good buddy Rou and caught a couple phenomenal shows. Popping my Hampton-cherry was one of the more memorable experiences of my Phish-going days (again, I'm not that old).

Meanwhile in 2002, the experience was much different for several reasons. Well, for one I was no longer a college student and another was the connection seemed somewhat lost for reasons I've often thought about in regards to "post-hiatus" Phish, which I'll touch in just a second. Of course, I had and never have any regrets about that journey - despite that being one of the last times I've seen Phish (sans a Vegas trip in 2003).

The "post-hiatus" Phish experience was different for me on a few levels. As mentioned the connection just seemed a bit distant. I mean it's easy to get lost in the thoughts of "I'm FREEEEEEEE" when in essence in youth, we are free. However, post-college Phish was more like "damn, I'm free for about 48 more hours before I have to get my ass back in that miserable office." Ah, but I digress.

And now the point that many have pointed to in regards to post-hiatus Phish. The music was a bit sloppy. It just didn't seem the same, sure they were rusty, but it just seemed off in a sense. Yes, there were some phenomenal shows during those years, but few and far between from what I recalled as "my" glory years of 1994-1999 (and even earlier). I thought maybe I was just being a snob, but I've felt some reassurance from others that yes, the music was slightly off. Correct me here, just a little off, but certainly not terrible.

So, on the eve of the weekend Phish returns, Rupes and I were discussing just what to expect. For the record, that prick is going this weekend (the fortunes of living in New York). I on the other hand will be stuck on the beautiful sunny west coast, which Phish somehow managed to ignore in their comeback. Bitter, a little. Well, Rupes popped this question to me.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, where do you predict Phish will be? I bet about a solid 5. They have a lot of mediocre material out there that I suspect will be around for good. I don't think I have really loved a new song since Farmhouse that I can think of. Mexican Cousin I love, but that's mainly because I like tequila."

Excellent point. And this really got me thinking? Will they be back, I mean really back? Hmm. My thoughts; I think a 5 to 7 range is a good call. I think they were super rusty last time they came back in 2002. And I also think that they've had to of listened to Coventry and realized they had some MAJOR work to do.

My guess is they've been jamming and practicing more and more with anticipation for this return. Of course, I think they'll have some stale/flat moments, but they'll definitely have some peak moments where you're like damn - that's exactly how I remembered them. It has to be that way...right?

Let's face it, you stop and think about it and compare pears and mangos. The Dead really peaked as a band in '77 - they were pretty solid from '74 through '79 (depending on your preference - sans 76 when they took the year off). However, the "great" shows were few and far between in the early 80's. Yes, there are some solid ones, but not like '77 when almost every show was smoking.

I think you have to go all the way up to the end of 1986 when Garcia finally got healthy again (post-heart attack) and then they seemed to re-energize all over again. My argument is that they indeed peaked again from like 1987-1993. Obviously, things took a turn late in 1993 and by 1994 and 1995 the music was merely "so-so" with some gems sprinkled in there.

So honestly, I see no reason why Phish can't peak again. They aren't that old and they certainly aren't as weathered as the Dead were back then. Plus, they aren't really coming back because they need to support everyone like Jerry and the Dead often felt as an external pressure. Phish is coming back just to come back, because they love playing together.

All "great" bands have to take the time to rejuvenate or re-invent the wheel slightly at some point. I mean the Rolling Stones have been touring forever. There were definitely some down years or even an era of Stones shows, where the band was fucked up or just not in sync. It's the same for most any band out there. It happens.

If we're led to believe that Trey was in fact "effed" up during the first post-hiatus comeback in 2002-2004 it would explain a lot of the sloppy play and lack of original soul the band had. However, now he's proclaimed to be as sober as can be and to be honest, just hearing some of his recent solo gigs, he's definitely got a certain umph or soul back. Maybe it was the drugs or maybe it was just him being burnt out or un-inspired.

There's no doubt it's possible and believe it or not, I think phish has an immense pressure on them to prove their time hasn't passed them by. Personally, I'd pit 1989 Jerry Garcia vs. 1977 Jerry Garcia any day of the week. Both years he was absolutely on fire (imho) and that's a 12 year gap. So, yes I'm very optimistic for Trey to regain his mystique. Am I over thinking the case and shouldn't I just be friggin' happy that Phish is back?

Of course, but isn't critiquing the band and certain shows what makes it all worth while? If you have no measuring stick how can argue over whether the "Bathtub Gin" you heard at the Gorge compares to the PNC "Gin" from 2000?

So, my bold prediction is that by the summer they are in full swing and hitting on all cylinders like the glory days. Just my guess, but I see a new era of Phish starting this weekend and the band once again peaking to the level we always knew and loved.

Cheers to you going if you're going this weekend, I'm definitely jealous. Regardless, you deserve it.

Michigan Hoops: Almost There or Another Lost Season?

2009-02-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

What do you make of the term "most improved?" While it should probably be fairly honorable, it just calls attention to the fact that you used to suck really bad and while you still suck, it's now to a lesser degree. It reminds me of tee ball when everybody used to get awards and they had to make up shit ones for the really crappy kids.

In a nutshell, that's how I feel about Michigan Hoops this season. The Wolverines are a legitimate threat to win every time out and in my estimation and have to be considered the most improved team in the NCAA. Still, it's still pretty tough to stomach another collapse in which, by most accounts, they will not make the NCAA Tournament yet again.

Don't get me wrong, this season has shown marked improvement and most importantly cemented John Beilein's job for the foreseeable future. Hell, it's even caused the "o" word to be bantered about with regard to the future: optimism.

On the other hand, god damn it you idiot mother bleep bleep bleep stupid bleep bleep. How could you blow it again? I can't believe we're going back to the bleep bleep NIT tournament again you bleep bleep piece of bleep.

Catch my drift? It's tough to be a Michigan fan these days. With four games to go and a 500% record in the Big Ten, they just blew a four point lead in the final one minute on Sunday against Iowa (at home) and went on to lose by ten points in overtime. For some reason, Beilein benched Manny Harris during all of this. Interesting strategy to say the least coach, but I'm still with ya. Harris didn't have it on Sunday, so I'd say that is the kind of call a good coach makes. You just hope the outcome backs the guts, which in this case backfired collosally.

So where are we now? The Wolverines face the steaming hot #16 Boilermakers on Thursday, followed by road games at Wisconsin (also steaming) and Minnesota. Perhaps a three game win streak and a decent Big Ten tournament gets the Wolverines back in tournament contention, but the odds are pretty bleak given the 8th place Big Ten standing and poor showing down the stretch as of late.

So, when we look back on this season, there is a fair chance that it will be with disappointment, yet coming off a 10-22 season without even an invite to the bunk dance (NIT) last season, the pieces are coming together and the reign of terror might finally be over. We beat Duke, beat UCLA, played UConn to the wire, gave MSU a good run, and competed in the Big Ten, so if nothing else, the season pointed this program back in the right direction with some momentum to keep moving. So tournament or not; not all is lost.

When Will We See Incentive Contracts in Sports?

2009-02-22T14:23:00.001-08:00

How many times have we heard in the past 5 years that “sports is a business?” I’m guessing it’s perhaps somewhere in the thousands, right?

Who do you think sells more aluminum siding, the door-to-door salesman who gets paid a steady salary or the one who gets paid on commission? Pretty obvious right, the one who gets paid on commission will be banging down doors and annoying the neighbors at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning.

So where is this going? I’ve been meaning to conjure up something about incentive based compensation in pro sports for a couple weeks, but the timing is now particularly relevant given NFL free agency signing bonanza is underway and we already have our first big fluffy contract in Nnamdi Asomugha's NFL leading windfall, complete with a ridiculous $28.5 million in guaranteed moolah. Well, I am a HUGE proponent of incentive based compensation in sports and truly hope it becomes the norm in contract negotiations.

As I alluded to, “sports is a business” is the ubiquitous excuse for every overtly aggressive deal, the stockpiling of talent for ambitious one-year turnarounds, and the demise of athletes spending their careers with one team and one city.

If sports is truly a business, the front office “business men” and sports agents would be wise to adopt the incentive based compensation structure that has swept the business world in the past 10 years or so. Incentive based compensation programs are logical in that they align the interests of the organization with that of its key personnel – or more simply stated, when things go well, everyone gets paid.

In business, executives typically receive incentives in the form of equity ownership, revenue sharing, stock options, and performance based bonuses, which are normally combined with a relatively lower base salary. We do see incentive based compensation pop up from time to time, but its still generally very flawed. For instance, Brian Cashman and the Bloodhounds tried to head in this direction with Joe Torre before he departed for Los Angeles. They were close, but not quite there, so let's highlight some of the oversights that occur in the rare instance incentive based compensation rears its head in contracts.

1) The timeframe – Consider a money manager and their compensation structure. Would you prefer that they receive their bonus based on 1-year performance or 5-year performance? The answer is the 5-year performance, because the shorter time horizon encourages irrational risk taking. Consider the investment manager (or front office executive) who needs to boost their performance in a single year. If the first half of the year achieves poor returns, the natural behavior would be to take concentrated, extremely risky bets in hopes of turning it around in a hurry (i.e., Brett Favre). On the other hand, a manager with the longer time horizon can make sound decisions that are expected to pay off in the longer term and build sound portfolios without worrying about the exact timing that the benefits will be realized. In sports, this is the difference between cohesive units, nurturing young talent, and drafting for the future, versus making expensive high-risk bets year in and year out. This strategy will likely lead to a lack of a close knit chemistry, but rather a group of rotating transients who hardly get to know one another.

2) The second glitch in the plan is another obvious one, but generally overlooked entirely. Coaches and front office executives regularly see incentives in their contracts, but players generally do not. You can’t offer a coach or manager incentive compensation without giving it to the players. Pro athletes’ contracts have become the antithesis of motivation. Think about the number of times you have read about XYZ fat piece of shit who is still collecting millions from a team they no longer play for. If you read Bill Simmons even occasionally, you definitely know a boatload of these guys. Simmons is the king of calling out contractual disasters – particularly in the NBA. I think this is a function of the agents being just far savvier in contract negotiations, because they have made this a norm. These guys are smart and I can’t blame them, but there is a good alternative in incentive based compensation that can easily yield the same payouts, but make for more clearly aligned interests between teams and their players.

To go back to the investment manager analogy, why pay the portfolio manager based on performance if the guys/girls doing the research are paid cushy salaries regardless of if their recommendations are any good. The boss can work his ass off, but if his team is feeding him terrible ideas and slacking, there is nowhere to go but down. As business clichés go, it’s garbage in, garbage out. The interests of the whole organization need to be aligned in terms of the compensation.

3) The metrics – Generally when you see incentive based contracts (again, generally at the coaching level, not the player), they involve a provision based on some level of success in the playoffs. Again, in the proposed Torre contract, they offered incentives based on getting past the first round of the playoffs. That is moronic. Do you really think that is motivation for the whole season? It’s so stupid and arbitrary to try to motivate someone for one week of the season. Sure you have to get to the playoffs, but there is a lot of work to do in the regular season, such as improving specific areas where the team shows weakness. The incentives should be based on things you can actually improve like the team ERA. There are a million metrics that could be used here that would actually matter from game to game, but making it about one week at the very end of the season is just silly.

4) Finally, this one is a little more of a reach, because it never happens in sports, but I think it is important. Teams should consider implementing a succession plan. Teams are forgetting about legacy and focusing on single seasons, which is new to nobody, but the plans should be in placewhen it comes time to turn over the reigns to the next generation.

So, the intent here is to show that the wave of the future in sports should be incentive based compensation. It works. Period. People like to make money, so put their priorities in line with those of the team. I may be overoptimistic, and as usual, overexcited, but I really think this is the way to shift sports back to a more team focus versus the individual negotiation focus of today, while still appealing to the bank accounts of both coaches and athletes in the meantime. If sports really is a business, it wouldn’t hurt to at least run it like a good one.

Today is his Birthday: Crystal Lake Countdown.

2009-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

(Editors Note: Repeat Alert...mailing it in!)

I never forget this day, I simply never do.

It all started in Up-State, NY in the late 70’s. That is, the legend of Camp Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees. Come on, go ahead and admit that you have seen at least one of these “classic” (and I don’t use that term loosely) films. How could anyone have possibly not seen at least ONE of these films?

The famous quote “Today is his Birthday” by Betsy Palmer (Jason’s mother) is what spurned the series and fed the legend of Jason Voorhees. And to be honest when it comes to Jason I just can’t seem to help myself, he’s just that good...a fucking legend to say the LEAST.

The man has surpassed every generational test for a serial killer. Has anyone ever sustained a longer revenge tour? You try to chop his head off, club him with a machete, file an axe to the side of his noggin, set him on fire, cryogenic-ally freeze him, send him to space, or bring in Freddy, but NONE of it works.

The guy is patient, persistent and most of all unflappable. He thrives under pressure and continuously defies the odds. Sound a little like Michael Jordan, huh? Maybe just maybe we should start labeling Voorhees as the MJ of serial killers? The only thing lacking is the charisma, but the “will” and “determination” are both there.

Oh well, but I digress.

You should know by now that today is Friday the 13th and the EPIC re-make and release hits the big screen today. I'll pause before I give my take on the new film for now. However, don't forget to scan the channels for some "original" Jason marathon's tonight. Thankfully, I own the entire collection on DVD and just maybe, I’ll have my own marathon.

You see, a lot of people tend to think that Jason is just some fucking freak wearing a hockey mask that picked up a butcher knife and started killing people. Wrong and Wrong. Jason was a “special” boy…who was simply defending his family honor.

There is a moral here…teenage counselors having sex is no way to run a Camp. None of this shit would’ve ever happened if those fucking counselors didn’t let him drown so they could sneak in a quickie in the woods. That set his mother off to get her revenge and then it just progressed from there after she got her head chopped off.

Regardless, it did happen and we may have never been blessed with the legend of Jason, had it not. And so, on this of all special days I'm going to give you an “Elite Eight” honor roll of the timeless classic horror story. Yes, eight handpicked favorite moments of mine throughout the entire series. Without having to wet your appetite any further here goes my best shot and in ascending order…

#8 – Tina brings Jason back to life with Psychic Powers (Part VII)

So maybe the writers had lost a little creative edge and were at a loss for how they could bring Jason back this time. We can only imagine that some poor writer blurted out the following…

“Let’s just have some girl who has Psychic Powers attempt to bring her father (whom she killed with the same Psychic Powers nearly 15 years to the day) back to life. However, by some freakish mistake she accidentally brings Jason back to life, as his corpse is still rotting just off the dock in 10-12 feet deep water, with a boulder secured to his ankle form Part VI.”

Coincidentally enough, that man/woman is probably not working in Hollywood anymore. Yet, I have to say the first time I saw ‘Part VII: The New Blood’ I was a believer. What seemed brilliant back then only pales as moronic today.

#7 - Rick has his eyeballs pop-out of his head in 3-D (Part III)

I’ve often longed for a pair of original flimsy 3-D glasses, so that I could capture this scene in HD/3-D style.

Let's re-hash; Rick stepped out of the Cabin to check on things, not expecting to lose sight as to what was going on (bad pun). Anyhow, moments later he was dangling on the side of the house just out of Krissy’s view and then BAM…

His eyeballs came protruding out of his head and probably created quite a special 3-D effect. This was a highly underrated take down for Jason. Rick was strong, had the characteristics of a hero and seemed clever enough to live.

#6 – Crispin Glover (Jimbo) gets corkscrewed in the Kitchen (Part IV)

I couldn’t leave out Jimbo (Crispin Glover) overcoming his “dead fuck” status and celebrating banging one of the hot twins with a glass of wine. Problem is he waltzed into the same kitchen where Jason happened to be. He also broke the cardinal rule of having sex anywhere remotely near Jason Voorhees.

So, Jason drilled a corkscrew into his hand and polished off his Picasso with a meat clever to the face. Diversity, diversity, diversity…Voorhees thrived on killing with style. No knock on Michael Myers, but he was never flashy as a serial killer, for Jason it was a craft.

#5 – Goodbye Bacon and thanks for not flashing us (Part I)

This makes the cut simply for the fact that it pertains to Kevin Bacon. Anytime you can see him eliminated from a film before he has the chance to give a full flaccid frontal shot, it's worth the nod. Technically, this murder was anything, but original. We are talking about an arrow from underneath the bed through the sternum.

Nothing flashy, but then again it wasn’t Jason that killed Bacon, it was his mom.

#4 – Alice chops off the head of Pamela Voorhees on the Beach (Part I)

As already mentioned, this was one of the most defingin moments in the entire series. After going virtually unnoticed the entire film, Mrs. Voorhees surfaces to explain the reason behind her revenge on Camp Crystal Lake. For the novice, this film and this moment really will help to explain quite a bit for you.

The significance of the scene is that the actual beheading took place just ashore from where Jason’s body lay eternally in the depths of the Lake. This is where it all began. Call it nocturnal vision, intuition or what you may, but Jason saw the whole thing transpire and awoke from his slumber to continue the Voorhees family revenge tour.

#3 – Mark takes a machete to the face and then a ride down the stairs (Part II)

While the rest of the counselors were preparing for their evening acts of coitus, Mark was roaming around in his wheelchair pouting that he was probably not going to get any pussy. He wheeled off into the night and sat out on the patio to watch the rain. Why did it always seem to rain during these movies...did Jason...make it rain?

Yet, upon suspicion he chose to follow his ear and track down the location of a peculiar noise. Always a vital mistake, characteristic of most victims, was to instinctively act on suspicion. Needless, Jason lured Mark in and plucked a machete directly to the face and sent Mark on his way down three flights of stairs.

#2 – Cort and Nikki bang in a RV, which pisses Jason off big-time (Part VI)

Classic 80’s stereotypes were evidenced in this trademark (have sex, you die) scene. As should be noted, Jason was never a big fan of sex on or anywhere near the hallowed grounds of Crystal Lake Township. He could smell the sex in the air a mile away and it served as motivation to kill.

In this particular scene Cort, a dead ringer for vintage A.C Slater was banging the typical 80’s heavy metal groupie, Nikki. The power suddenly goes out in theie RV and Cort is forced to go outside and fix the problem. He gets the power back up and running, jumps into the driver's seat and cranks the music, as the RV pulls away. Little did both know that Jason snuck in the RV somehow when Cort was fixing the power (baffling, but the man was good).

Nikki ends up having her face go through the bathroom mirror at the hands of Voorhees. Cort is oblivious the whole time, because the music is so loud (so typical). Jason strangles Cort from behind as he is driving; the RV crashes and explodes. NO surprise, Jason emerges from the flames.

You can’t STOP this guy. This double murder scene was the equivalent of a walk-off homerun in a baseball playoff game (improbable, emotional and explosive).

#1 – Julius gets into a boxing match-up with Jason and loses his head (Manhattan)

I can’t write about this scene enough without chuckling. In total I’ve watched the scene a total of 200 times and rewound it at least 200 more…if that makes sense. This was Jason’s last real stand, before they made a mockery of him.

Why not make a little humor out of murder? I mean were people ever really going to take a film called Jason Takes Manhattan seriously? Of course not, so just to add a little comedy towards the climax, Jason and our buddy Julius got into a boxing match atop an abandoned building, nowhere near downtown New York.

Julius opened with the upper hand. He threw a series of jabs that seemed to momentarily rattle Voorhees. Yet all it took was Jason landing one punch to the face, and Julius was instantly decapitated. Adding insult to injury, Julius’s head rolled down the side of the building and landed off the back of a dumpster before falling in completely. This prompted the dumpster to slam shut. It feels good to say “And-1” every time I watch this scene.

Proof positive this is a great scene; you can even enjoy it on repeat without the aid of Marijuana. That’s always a good litmus test on humor, whether you need Pot or not to laugh.

And so with all that and thanks for the ears and eyes if you made it this far. Don’t forget tonight; catching an old Friday the 13th is like finding a vintage Michael Jordan game on ESPN classic. It never gets old and kindles the memories of greatness.

A Happy Friday the 13th to all!!!

The Pistons Are Crumbling Before Our Eyes

2009-02-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

Remember looking forward to late spring/early summer and watching the Pistons and/or Red Wings embark on a drive for another title? Ah yes, the summertime in Detroit, even gives Kid Rock goose bumps. Well, bad news folks (aside from the Wings) it just ain't gonna happen for the Pistons. The funeral recession is in motion and unless you're in complete denial - you should realize this "Bad Boys Part II" era is O-V-E-R.

Then again, the writing has been on the wall for quite sometime. Before we are ready to crucify Joe Dumars for the Allen Iverson/Chauncey Billups trade, let's collect ourselves. I've said it over and over, the Pistons weren't gonna win the NBA title with Billups and they knew that. As excited as some got for Iverson, I knew they had no shot of winning it with Iverson.

The trade in essence has been the final push on a crumbling deck of cards. The veterans are tired of the same old, same old - they want to do it their way. Meanwhile, the youngsters have had enough of this "we've been here and know what to do" shit. That routine is played out. Yes, I'm talking about you 'Sheed, Rip and Prince.

On the flip side, you've got Allen Iverson thinking to himself "gee, what the hell did I get myself into?" No, Iverson hasn't exactly meshed well or been the "answer" the Pistons were looking for. However, anyone who fails to realize this was the first domino in Joe Dumars rebuilding process...you're blind. The Pistons are in full blow it up, rebuild it mode. There are no sacred cows left (sans Rodney Stuckey).

Does it hurt to see Billups yacking it up with Carmelo in Denver...absolutely. Is it a slap in the face when Billups goes onto PTI and says the Pistons would've won multiple championships had they drafted Carmelo instead of Darko? You betcha ass it does. However, that's the nature of this business. We can properly remove the genius tag from Joe D's throne now.

However, that's not to say Dumars is an idiot. For every bad draft pick or trade...he's had one equal as impressive and/or he's taken care of his mistakes. He's got a hole to dig out of right now, but you have to think he knew this was coming. Championship teams only have a certain lifespan and window for greatness. Just look at teams like the Suns and Mavs who are slowly watching their window close.

If anything, we should be grateful the Pistons were able to keep the momentum going for so long. It remains to be seen what Dumars does with this squad from here on out this season. Trading Rasheed seems logical, but are they going to get anything in return to make them immediately better? I say...nope. And trading Iverson would admit failure, plus it would be going against the whole point of trading Chauncey and that was to clear cap space.

So, my best guess is the Pistons stand pat this year. It won't be pretty to watch as they split open and melt down the stretch to a first round exit in the Playoffs. However, that's just the price of trying to hold onto greatness for a tad too long with hope. Let's be thankful for what they gave us over the years instead of crying about what's become of this team.

It's rebuild and re-load and time to usher in a new era of Pistons basketball. It might not be the same, but then again is it ever?

Rivalry Week: Take the Highway to the Great Divide

2009-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, most of the attention in College Hoops this week will rest in a certain famous 10 mile radius they call Tobacco Road. However, if you're talking I-96 to US-23 South in about an hour of your time (traffic and weather pending of course) then you're talking Michigan vs. Michigan State. Don't worry I can hear your virtual laughter, I'm good like that.

And yes, for the first time in a long, long time this game actually means something. Well, it's sure as hell getting damn near close to being a rivalry once again. Much as the Wolverines have laughed off the Spartans in football (in years past) it always makes for more intrigue when there is at least the slightest threat that the dominant power can be dethroned. Up until this year for the better part of the past 10 years it's been Michigan dominating football and then State dominating in Hoops.

Look, it's just not a rivalry when one team is winning 49-3 in football and the other is closing out Senior Day with a 30 point drubbing. Admit it, if you root for either side - it's more compelling when the two sides are reasonably competitive. Look, I'm not saying that Michigan has caught the Spartans in Hoops. No, they've got quite a ways to go. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say the Wolverines and the fucking lame ass "Maize Rage" crowd has a chance to pull off the upset.

We all know the fate of the Michigan basketball program was arguably sealed when Steve Fisher let the boosters fill the Fab Fives Nike sneakers with wads of cash. However, the real turning point came when Maurice Taylor got in that accident with a recruit named Mateen Cleaves in the back seat. Cleaves chose State and the rest is history.

Since that point the programs have gone in reverse. Michigan State has won a Championship, created the goofy and yes lame in it's own right "Izzone" and made a habit of being a Final Four caliber team - year in and year out. I think Michigan has been back to the Tournament, but once or twice on the weight (pardon the pun) of Tractor Traylor's shoulders. You get my drift...we're kinda talking about Mateen Cleaves and a curse in the same light as they used to talk about the Red Sox and Babe Ruth. Who knew?

Well, sometimes it does take just that one "key" player to change the direction of a program and get the ball rolling again. Mateen was that player for MSU and the reality is Michigan might have the program changing kid in uniform tomorrow night. His name is Manny Harris. Yes, he's a bit emotional at times, but watching from the other side (as a Spartan fan) - it's hard not to realize that he's fully capable of swinging the direction of U of M Hoops.

Oddly enough, I'm ready for it. I look forward to a renewed heated rivalry between the schools. It's just not the same when one "owns" the other. Michigan is getting close, the gap is getting narrow. Tomorrow night the Spartans will trot out a highly favored squad with Final Four aspirations. A few years back, you could laugh it off and chalk up a victory for Sparty. However, that's not gonna be the case tomorrow night.

Michigan has already beaten Duke, UCLA and hung with Connecticut. The Tournament may have to wait another year, but a win over Michigan State might re-open their name in "bubble" discussion. And that's Michigan...bobbing on the service. Are they ready to make this a rivalry again? We shall soon find out.

How to Survive Fantasy Baseball When You Don't Give a F#ck

2009-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

I know there has to be legions of folks out there that share Stan's and my pain when it comes to fantasy sports. Fantasy Football is life. We talk about it constantly and try to make it relevant year round. Does it really matter how playoff performances will impact next season's draft or how the combine ups rookies chances of getting first year playing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean it's not worth droning on about it. We love it.

Unfortunately, we split views on the rest of the fantasy sports. Stan doesn't bother to trudge through half-assed efforts in fantasy hoops and baseball. I on the other hand tend to waver back and forth. Typically, it seems much better to play something than nothing at all. The big problem is, it just isn't that fun. The daily games are super annoying, because you constantly have to fill the roster with whatever burlap bags of heavy sand you carry on your bloated roster. In fantasy football, you get to ponder over matchups all week to tweak it for the perfect balance of your best guys. Basketball and baseball involve braindead clicking all the fucking time and it's so unbearably monotonous. Sure, you can make a big trade here and there and pick up a semi-fun gamble like a Devin Harris as the Nets' fill-in for Jason Kidd at the point, but it doesn't change the fact tht you're starting dead weight on a nightly basis.

Anyway, what is the longwinded point of all this? Well, it's time to gear up for fantasy baseball and we can only assume some of you out there can't decide if you want to invest in 5 months of tedious roster filling and laying in the lowly 10-12th place puddle like a bum drunk on Prestone. So, we have a couple of suggestions of ways to make your season somewhat more interesting, particularly if you don't really know shit about playing fantasy baseball. There's the obvious, but always fun strategies like the regional approach (i.e., all Asians), the all-whites, the jaded pasts, and so on, but here's a couple new ones. Keep in mind, it won't be easy to draft all these guys, so you might need to muscle your into these teams. Here we go...

The Van Halens

What you give up in creativity here, you make up in leather pants and sick finger tapping guitar solos. Plus, this one gives you a strong theme and a good team. The rules are simple; you can use any instance of the names David Lee Roth, Eddie or Alex Van Halen, Mark Stone, or Michael Anthony. It's that easy. You're looking at a contender here.

Potential Quality Players: Alex Rodiriguez, David Wright, Derek Lee, Alex Rios, David Ortiz, Carlos Lee and so on. It's not hard to pull a contender out of this strategy. If you're are overwhelmed by the legions of marginal MLB talent, this is not all that bad of a strategy to weed out the universe a bit.

You can actually employ this approach to a countless number of your favorite themes. Let's try one more.

The Island Made Me Do It

You had to see this one coming. This is the exact same idea, but involves the characters from Lost. Unfortunately, there aren't many guys in the league named Sayid, but you can still come out just fine here.

This is a little less interesting, but there's a shitload of characters in Lost, so you'll be just fine. Unfortunately, you're forgoing most of the chicks here as Kate and Claire aren't gonna do much for you in fantasy seamball. Nevertheless, here's some of your options.

Potential Quality Players: Jose Reyes (Hurley Reyes), Michael Young (Michael), Ben Sheets (Ben), Aaron Harang (Claire's stupid baby), and John Lackey (Locke)

The Lovely Ladies

This gives you a little creativity bonus for the throwback reference to Baseball Stars and you have some decent options to field a good team. With this one you are forced to stick with names that can be used for women. You can do quite well here.

Potential Quality Players: Corey Hart, Torii Hunter, Prince Fielder (Prince is ambiguous and also a symbol), Hunter Pence, Adrian Gonzalez, Chris Young, Hanley Ramirez

The Little Leaguers

This one is more dumberer, but also fun. You are restricted to soley utilizing players who still retain their 8 year-old names. I always find it somewhat endearing when people never give up on the "y" or the "ie" version of their names, but some people find it appalling. Either way, this is another moderately entertaining option and another potential winner.

Potential Quality Players: Chipper Jones, Manny Ramirez, J.J. Putz, Rickie Weeks, Kenji Johjima, Billy Wagner, and Chone Figgins. OK, so Chone Figgins doesn't really belong, but it's a marvelous name, so it had to go somewhere.

So, there you have it. Thesse methods provide you with a little entertainment value and more importantly, they provide an excuse as to why you suck so bad.

Super Bowl Hangover

2009-02-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yay folks, this is our two year anniversary. This was the first post I ever wrote for GoWF. It's not very good and I actually didn't even drink a single beer yesterday. We've come a long way!

I hope you find joy in knowing that I will be fighting off vomit all day today. Already this morning, I nearly went into the bathroom on the Metro North train to throw up, which as you may or may not know, is arguably the most disgusting environment on the planet. Now I am faced with a lousy team meeting in 35 minutes in which various people will discuss action items for the week. Meanwhile, I will concentrate on not breathing through my mouth, so nobody will smell the gross scent of a random mixture of flavors, most notably stale beer, chicken wings, prosciutto, Chinese dumplings, and cheese. If you can’t already tell, I am really angry right now.

This happens every year and I’m so fed up. Sure, I could learn my lesson, but I rather not and it’s time to put a stop to the pure stupidity of this my greatest grievance. Why does the blasted Super Bowl have to be on a Sunday?

If you can tell me one single good reason why this is a good idea, then I will give up on my annual tirade, but I have thought this through in depth and there is not even one. Let’s think about it. Perhaps you are worried about the ratings? Dumb. It’s Super Bowl. Do you really think if you put it on Saturday night, people would actually decide not to watch it? On the contrary, this would likely increase viewing as religious weirdos across the globe could tune in, who might otherwise be doing some weird religious crap on Sundays.

Or maybe it’s that Super Bowl Sunday is a time honored tradition? Dumb again. You A-holes do not have any problem ripping down historic stadiums to replace them with random monstrosities that look like bike helmets. Or my personal favorite, you put futuristic robots all over the TV (who do nothing but loosen up the whole game) during the games.

I’m guessing the reason behind the Sunday Super Bowl is a thoughtless result of regular season games being played on Sunday. Granted, it seems logical that if regular season games are played on Sunday, why shouldn’t the Super Bowl? Let me explain why. It is a wholly unselfish cause I assure you. The world economy suffers a tremendous shock, as its entire workforce is utterly dysfunctional as they suffer through the day in sheer agony. The result over the Sunday Super Bowl is amazing when you think about it. There are literally hundreds of millions of people all over the world pretending to work right now. Every single one of them is staring at a computer screen just wishing the lights were lower and typing emails to other hungover friends.

Maybe you are worried about interfering with the important Saturday night programming? I guess the thought of interrupting the most annoying ass clown on TV, Jimmy Fallon, on Saturday Night Live would be a devastating blow. I actually just brought this point up simply because I hate Jimmy Fallon and wanted to ridicule him. Ever since I watched Fever Pitch, I cringe at the sight of him and I hate how he does that cutesy voice where he acts nervous and runs his words together. Holy crap that movie sucked. Saturday Night Live is suffering from a blatant lack of drug abuse. Anyway, I’ll get back to the point. TV on Saturday night is bad; TV on Sunday night is good. Therefore, that’s another piece of ammunition in my fight against Sunday.

I think I made my point loud and clear and it should be obvious that there is no good reason for the Super Bowl to be on Sunday. Good, I’m glad we got that sorted out. By the way, now it is Tuesday and I am really depressed, because I am realizing now that the sports abyss that is late winter is upon us.

Bet the House on the Boldin Props

2009-01-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

Short answer, yes - I'm still gambling. Long answer, we don't have enough time or space to dissect what I will be gambling on this weekend for the Super Bowl. Those who know me well enough, will know I'll be walking around with and excel Spreadsheet tracking my wagers come Sunday. Oh, the glory and agony. However, cut me some slack for shit sakes - it's the Super Bowl!

That said, I'm here to dish out the easiest ticket on the board. (Disclaimer: I must pre-apologize to Anquan Boldin, his family and his agent for a jinx I'm 'bout to lay down). Moving on, bet the friggin' one house on Mr. Boldin prop bets. Wait...what, but do you -- YES. Yes, I know who Larry Fitzgerald is and yes, I know Boldin went out like a bitch after his team won the NFC trophy last year (or it at least it seems that long ago).

Hear me out on this one. Um, Boldin was and still is a very capable #1 option at the WR position. His nagging hamstring injury "appears" repeat that, appears to be healed. Yes, Boldin was leading the league in just about every statistical category at the position before he had his face caved in against the Jets.

So, maybe dude pouted a bit, because his buddy Fitty broke the chains of obscurity and has become the sex pot of America's newest sports hero this week. Fitty is christ and Boldin is Judas, that's just the breaks bud, break it up, break it up, break down. And that's exactly what Boldin has done over the course of the past month. He's not been healthy and is burning for his own spotlight. Can you blame the guy? He's been a stud WR for a shitty team and then they finally start winning, he's hurt and everyone thinks he's an asshole.

That my friends smells like a huge "chip on the 'ole shoulder" game from Boldin come this Sunday. Oh yeah, and I think the Steelers and their "dominate" defense, might just might, focus a lot on Fitty. Ya think? This leaves the door open for a big, big day for another Cardinals WR. My best guess says it ain't gonna be Steve Breaston. Rather, it's gonna be Boldin trying to prove all the doubters wrong.

Yup, I'll take the +140 Boldin scores a TD, the over 5 receptions and the over 68 yards receiving. Thank you. Let's face it, the Cardinals are gonna need to air it out to have a shot. My guess is that the Steelers decide Fitty ain't gonna beat them. That's all folks - enjoy the game, but remember my tip when you see Boldin shredding it up for some garbage time production.

Cheers.

Goran Suton is Awkward

2009-01-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

Oh, the moves, the spin, the kiss off the glass, the low-post presence, the agility, the balance, the charisma, the heart, the passion, the soul, the soft jumper, the all encompassing dominance that is Goran Sutton. Wait, who? What? Goran "fucking" Suton...bro, Michigan State Spartans. Haven’t seen him? Haven’t heard of him? Well, tune your TV sets and watch him dissect and dismantle all the Big 10.

Think I’m crazy? Don’t think it’s possible? Well, we were able to snag 30 “fictional” seconds with the Bosnian native, as he continues to guide Michigan State to a Big 10 Championship.

Ghosts: Goran, would the game against North Carolina been any different had you played?

Suton: I feel sorry for your mother.

Ghosts: Thanks. So, you would've put the clamps on Tyler Hansbrough?

Suton: He's a bitch, slow white bitch. I’ll eat dead baby.

Ghosts: Damn dude, you’re pissed off aren’t you?

Suton: تهشم كرات

Ghosts: What the? Ease up; please explain what you just said.

Suton: Crush Balls.

Ghosts: Izzo says you’re tough as nails.

Suton: Fucking Warrior.

Ghosts: Well, what happened against Northwestern then? That one Kevin Coble dude looked like Larry "fucking" Bird.

Suton: Wigger.

Ghosts: What? OK, any predictions moving forward for the season?

Suton: Blood.

2008 Sports Word of the Year: the Nominees Please

2009-01-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

Following right along on 2007's coattails, the American Dialect again chose it's word of the year from the numerous overused utterances regarding the economic downturn. After choosing "subprime" in 2007, the 2008 word of the year is "bailout." I'm happy to say that in a previous debate with my wife, I called this one above other strong entries like "plumber," "credit crunch," "hope," "change," "maverick," and "pwned." For the record, I still have no idea why youthful hipsters are such fans of "pwned," but I guess at age 31, it's time to stop trying.

Anyway, more to the point, today we wanted to start up our own little contest for the 2008 sports word of the year. At this point, we'll throw a few out of our own, but more importantly, we would like to ask for your nominations. Assuming we actually get some, we'll open it up for voting on Friday of this week (that means get those nominations in by Thursday) and determine the 2008 Sports Word of the Year.

Here's a few of our nominees:

1) Wildcat

2) Gold

3) Penetration

4) Gunslinger

5) Bissinger

6) Character

7) Dagger

8) Safety (as in gun)

9) Bolt

10) Swagger

This Is Incredible

2009-01-14T12:18:00.001-08:00

Becoming a Better You

2009-01-11T22:00:00.000-08:00

Here's an oldie, but goodie...

The world of professional sports is not everything it seems. One minute it's fast cars and fast women, the next it's paparazzi, illegitimate children, and pesky bloggers. It's not always all it's cracked up to be. Day after day, we hear stories about our favorite athletes falling on hard times, but as usual, we are here to help. We have searched high and low to provide some of today's troubled sports professionals recommendations for self help books that will help them get through their hard times. Hope it helps, guys.

Scott Boras - Persuasion: The Art of Getting What You Want
Don't fret, Scott. Just because A-Rod left you waiting to pay the tab at Dave & Buster's while he snuck away to make a deal with the Steinbrenners, this book will sharpen those once keen negotiating skills and get you back up to snuff. Just remember, "If this
[points to heart] is empty, this [points to head] doesn't matter."

Ricky Williams - Five Simple Steps to Emotional Healing

1) Take an empty two liter bottle and cut in half
2) Fill the bathtub with water
3) Poke a hole in the cap of the bottle, take the slide from your bong, carefully install it in the cap and pack it with herb
4) Submerge the two liter, light the herb, and slowly lift the bottle up out of the eater (stop before it completely leaves the water though).
5) Remove the cap, place your mouth on the cap, push the bottle in the water, and inhale.

Lloyd Carr - How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

Lloyd, this is your key to a relaxing retirement. Buy yourself a nice bass boat, some Miller High Life, and some Bob Marley. You won't even remember the meaning of the word "hot seat."

Marvin Lewis - How to Find the Best Lawyers

Look, some things are certain: KFC gives you gas; Taco Bell gives you diarrhea; and the Cincinnati Bengals will always get arrested. I believe the tally was nine arrests in past two years last I checked. Well, just like a wise man takes Immodium AD before a trip to Taco Bell, it's time to start thinking about preventative maintenance, coach.

Matt Millen - How an Idiot Writes a Self-Help Book

Lose three more games this season and I'll buy you this book. Let's face it, Matt. If the Lions blow a 6-2 start and come up short of even a wildcard bid, you are going to be in the market for a career change.

John Edward Thomas Moynahan - Happy to Be Me (AKid's Book about Self-Esteem)

Don't worry, John. The kids are just picking on you, because nobody likes teams from Boston. By the time you are 5, you will have played both "pacifier" with Suri Cruise and "John's In Charge" with Kalyn Baio.

Mike Williams - Get Out of Your Own Way

You have two choices, Mike. It's either sign on as the door man at the 40-40 Club or stop making sweet love to Little Debbie. This book should help you on that uphill battle to lose the love handles, but in the meantime, you might consider learning how to block, because I see Tight End in your immediate future.

Suzy Kolber - Don't Just Sit There: A True Account of a Frightening Experience and a Self-Help Book for Women

If a drunk Joe Namath professing his desires to you on the air during the Super Bowl doesn't classify as a frightening experience, I don't know what does. Not to mention, she had to work the Monday Night game this week, which ended in a 3-0 human highlight reel. Suzy, reading this might do you some good after all you've been through. I'm not so sure what this book is advocating with that knife though, so you didn't hear it from me..

Eli Manning - Awaken the Giant Within

It's about time to stick it to all the naysayers and show everyone that you can lead this team. If Tony Robbins can turn Lothar of the Hillpeople in Gwenyth Paltrow, surely he can make you a better passer... Or if nothing else, at least tell Tiki Barber to quit yapping.

Lawrence Phillips - Anger Management for Dummies

How about that blast from the past? Lawrence Phillips is one of the greatest collegiate running backs of the generation. Remember Nebraska? Well, if they would have only got a hold of this book, everything would have been different. Phillips would be a star, players would still go to Nebraska, the trophy room would be full of national championships, and they might even have a coach. Always known for his anger issues, Phillips tried to run over three teenagers in his car over a pickup football game, has been charged with child abuse, and recently stood trial for 7 counts of assault with a deadly weapon. So it goes.

Best Supporting Actors

2009-01-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry the Ghosts site sucks so bad these days, but we do have a couple cool things going on elsewhere. First off, Hidden Track is nominated for Best Music Blog in the Weblog Awards and we're wrecking shit in first place over some big guns like Stereogum and Idolator. If you feel so compelled, we'd love a vote...

Vote for Hidden Track

Also, our AOL Fantasy Fanhouse Blog is also nominated for three awards by some sort of fantasy football award giving authoritarian. We're a finalist for three FTSA (fantasy sports trade association) Awards --- best new fantasy site, best fantasy blog, and best fantasy live event or contest (Tailgate). We're definitely gonna win that live event one. Our leader, Tom Herrera is headed to Vegas to collect our bounty and rub it in the faces of ESPN, Rotowire, and CBS Sports.

The Hurley Highlight Reel

2009-01-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

It's almost time folks. The countdown is to Lost is back on!

Any good Lost fan has their clear alliances to certain characters. The ladies like Sawyer, the gays like Jack, and well, nobody likes Claire. Over the course of the last 3 seasons, my alliances have shifted quite drastically. At first, I was pretty down with Charlie, but he metamorphed into a raging vagina and he simply couldn’t die soon enough. Sayid has remained solid through and through, but his inconsistent airtime makes him a little hard to follow, but the one who never lets me down is Hurley. The man has done nothing but kick ass since day one against all odds. None of the cool people on the island want to give him any credit and a crunch time go-to-guy, but he always comes up big. Well today, Hurley gets his dues. We’re throwing together a haphazard tribute to the great moments of Hugo “Hurley” Reyes.

Hurley jumpstarts the VW

When everyone else was too scared; when nobody thought it could be done; when nobody believed it would start; when arms are sore - Hurley stepped up and did the unthinkable. He mustered up the courage to make his own luck. There is no curse… Fade up the gay Three Dog Night tune, because this baby runs!

The only thing that pisses me off about this scene is they should have had some Comfortably Numb or a '77 Eyes of the World playing in that heady ride.

Hurley Wrecks Shit in the VW

You thought the original VW scene was a strong feel good Hurley moment? Ha. This is maybe the most inspirational, goosebump inducing moment in Lost history. Just when it looks like the big rendevouz with the others has gone terribly awry, Hurley runs them down in his Vdub like he’s Jerome Bettis.

The Inspirational Cannonball

The weirdness award goes to… Hurley. I don’t even know what the hell this is about, but it’s damn funny. Hurley gets all emotional as it appears they are soon to be rescued and realizes that he hasn’t done a single cannonball the whole time they have been on the island. Unfortunately, it seems that all of the good real clips that illustrate the true oddity of this scene have been taken down, but here’s a nice mash up of it. I couldn’t some it up better than the title of one of the Spanish versions of this scene on youtube titled, “Hurley provoca un tsunami.”

Dip That Shit in Ranch, Son

Last but not least, another proud moment in Hurley’s island adventures occurred when the writers had to write in a plot line about Hurley sneaking food and dipping everything in ranch dressing, because he clearly gained about 40 pounds in the first month on the island. Again, the folks at ABC have stolen all the clips from youtube, so the best we could come up with is this strong tribute.

So Long Rod, You Suck

2008-12-28T14:27:00.001-08:00

Who wants to make a bet? I'll give you 10,000:1 odds and I'll front you 50 bucks. I bet that Rod Marinelli gets canned tomorrow and you bet that he stays. Good deal right?

Well, the Lions finally carved their name in (tomb)stone for the worst team in the history of the NFL. Hell, I think they carved their name in stone as the worst team in the history of sports. No kidding.

At least for us Lions fans, there is some upside to being so terrible. The post season is almost as exciting as the regular season, because now we get to speculate about who will be the next coach. Plus, we now have the #1 draft pick, so we get to foreshadow what the next stupid decision will be for the "franchise QB of the future."

First, let's talk about the coaching situation (we‘ll get to the draft soon, I promise). Realistically, there is no chance in hell Rod Marinelli has a job tomorrow. Regardless of how dumb the Lions front office may be, the NFL is a competitive league and nobody keeps a job after an 0-16 season. In fact, it's getting to the point where the NFL is going to have to start imposing on the Lions to make some decent decisions. They really cannot allow this mismanagement to continue much longer. It's bad for the league and really bad for Detroit.

What I find interesting about the Lions coaching position is if you think about it, this should be the most coveted job in the NFL. If somebody could come in and right the ship, Parcells-style, they would go down in history as one of the greatest coaches and turnaround artists in sports. Hell, we named a blog after Wayne Fontes and still love him and all he did was win one lousy playoff game. And that was over 15 years ago.

So who is one our short list for possible replacements for Rod Marinelli? Well, initially I was on the Bill Cowher bandwagon, but sort of lost hope when it looked like he was headed to Cleveland. Now, he announced that the deal is off, but he doesn't seem to want much to do with the Lions. He is also being looked at more as a Matt Millen replacement rather than a Marinelli replacement. I tend to agree with Zaroo's take it with a grain of salt opinion on this though. Like the great AC/DC once said, "Listen to the money talk."

Next on the list would be Steve Spagnuolo from the G-Men. More than anything and consistent with the Cowher view, we need a defensive-minded coach with a track record. Detroit has been seriously lacking in the defensive line department, which if Tennessee and the Giants teach you anything, defensive lines win NFL games these days. For the record, this is just my opinion, but I haven't heard much about any real talks between the two parties.

There are a couple other defensive coordinators that would put a big smile on my face. Jim Schwartz would be another dream come true as he is the mastermind behind the ferocious Titans defense. Schwartz is one of the most aggressive defensive coordinators in the league and would be a welcome addition to put a little feist into the stuck-in-quicksand defense. The third choice amongst the defensive coordinator whispers would be Raven's DC, Rex Ryan. Anyone who plays fantasy football knows that Ryan's Ravens are turnover machines and they score points on big plays. Remember big plays? Me either.

Unfortunately, a lot of the trendy offensive coordinator names are floating around like Mike Mularkey from the Falcons, Mike Heimerdinger from the Titans, or Todd Haley from the Cards. Quite frankly, I feel like if Mike Martz couldn’t get it done on both sides of the ball, why would one of these guys. I really like these guys, but not for a head coaching gig.

I have no interest in Marty-ball (Marty Schottenheimer). Detroit is in no place to hire an old man with a short time horizon. It’s time to start really rebuilding, not re-patching. Everybody always says the Lions are forever rebuilding, but in truth, they are never rebuilding. They are forever trying to fill holes with quick fixes and they have consistently failed to build a foundation for a team. (Ahem, defensive line and linebackers). Think about Chicago for example. They have been struggling to sort out their offense for a few years, but with a strong defensive core, they can afford mistakes and injuries on offense and still compete.

Finally, the big rumor floating around is Brian Billick, previously of Ravens and Vikings fame. I tend to agree with my Fanhouse colleague, Ryan Wilson, here. Billick is another old guy who won’t be around long and really isn’t that hot of a commodity these days. Some are saying that Billick and former 49ers head coach, Mike Nolan, are being considered as a package deal. Two crappy head coaches for the price of one? No thanks.

Ultimately, my gut is saying put up what ever money it takes and get somebody like Spagnuolo who has a proven track record and can build a defense. The offense hasn’t really been the issue. They score points with Orlovsky. They score points with Culpepper. And they score points with whoever else they fill in there. It’s the defense that needs the most help. Get somebody who will focus on that first.

The Ceiling Fans (a.k.a. The Dumbest Names For Fan Sections)

2008-12-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

As we turn our attention to the college hoops season, it is high time we raise a longstanding issue. Why can't any of America's youth think of any good names for fan sections? Honestly, in running through the mental list and conducting a solid nine minutes of research, I have only come across one name for a hoops fan section that is even remotely good.

Exhibit A: The Best of the Worst

The L Raisers: I have to hand it to the Louisville kids; this is as good as it gets. Granted, it is still pretty bad, but considering the competition, consider this a victory. On the pizza equivalent scale, it's not quite Little Caesars, but it's also no Pizza Hut. In other words, it's still hot and delicious, but not the best, not the worst. Maybe about a Propa Johns.

Exhibit B: I Eat My Own Cooking.

The Maize Rage: As a proud Michigan graduate, I can honestly say, I wouldn't be caught anywhere near anything called the Maize Rage. I think this is just terrible. Couldn't we at least make it rhyme like the Maize Blaze. At least that way we get some street cred for the herb reference, right? A truly good name would include a reference to some sweet old throwback players like the Rice Pad (Glen Rice).

Exhibit C: Fortunately, our rivals down Interstate-96 suck just as bad.

The Izzone: With all due respect, Izzone makes nice use of Tom's name and all. I just think there are some great directions you could take this one. Like "the AmIZZOne," "the SchIZZOfrenics," or my personal favorite, "the Blake IZZOrs."

Exhibit D: When in doubt, speak Snoop.

The Zou - The Zou isn't awful or anything, but I can't help but think that the Tigers have forgone a terrific opportunity to utilize jive with something to the effect of the Mizzou Hizzou.

Exhibit E: Don't fix what ain't broke.

The Paint Crew (formerly the Gene Pool): This one is a shame, because Purdue's Gene Pool was a total keeper (meaning the Gene Keady pool), but as Keady moved on, so to did the once proud name of the fan section. Now Purdue opts for the Paint crew, which both sounds dumb and makes little sense. The Gene Pool was a clever double entendre, whereas the Paint Crew is pretty loose as it relates to the school, the team, and anything resembling creativity.

Exhibit F: You know it's bad, it's bad, you know it.

Orange Crush: Alright, this one actually ain't so bad. Orange Crush was a very solid beverage back in the day when sugary sodas didn't make my heart skip like a Michael Jackson record.

Exhibit G: When in Rome... Go on.

Crimson Crazies: Come on Indiana; this is robbery. As much as we all hate Duke, you can't just rip off their moniker and hope nobody notices. This the worst one of all.

Exhibit H: In their defense, at least they didn't make a Tuck reference.

Friar Fanatics: Here is another one from camp braindead. Why not just name the crew "fans of the home team?" I might suggest the Deep Friars.

Exhibit I: Rhyming may be the lowest form of poetry, but it sure does sounds nice.

Screamin' Demons - Screamin' Demons? More like Dreamin' Demons. Oops. Well, at least the Demons can rhyme. I'll give em that.

The Clicksy Awards

2008-12-11T09:16:00.001-08:00

Head over to SI's Hot Clicks to vote on this 2008's Clicksy Awards. The Clicksy Awards will bequeath such precious honors as the Best Video of an Athlete Singing, Wackiest Minor League Promotion, and Most Embarrassing Fan Moment. Enjoy.

The 2008 Clicksy Awards (SI Extra Mustard)

All The News That's Fit To Print My Ass

2008-12-10T15:56:00.000-08:00

In the span of a typical Monday through Friday workweek, I chalk up a total of about 15 hours of time riding the rails. In other words, I am afforded the daily pleasure of sitting on a train for an hour and a half each way to get to work. Yeah, it sucks; I know. Anyway, the usual routine is to read the newspaper on the way to work at least until I pass out and read a book or some work related goodness on the way home. My daily newspaper rundown – usually 2 NY Times, 2 USA Today, and 1 Wall Street Journal in a given week – keeps me pretty well covered in the world, in sports, in politics, and in finance. Anyway, this brings us to the point of this here ‘tribe. The New York Times Sports page just flat-out blows.

For starters, the biggest problem - and real oversight in my opinion - is that they are incredibly focused on the local teams from New York. The Yankees and Giants get the majority of the coverage, but Mets, Jets, and Knicks fans aren’t starving. The Nets are bastards for sure. I ask why is this extreme concentration necessary? New York consists of over 8 million occupants from over 8 million places, not only from all over the country, but also the world. Sure, the NYC teams deserve to have quality coverage, but couldn’t they at least make an effort to cover nationally. After all, this is the most famous newspaper in the world, yet the sports page has but a tiny roundup section of little paragraphs detailing the other games in the nation. To go a step further, shouldn’t they pay at least some attention to the international futbol leagues, most importantly the EPL? Anyone who has ever been to Nevada Smith’s can attest that the footy scene in NYC is huge. There are tons of tourists and ex-pats working and living in NYC, so the major news internationally seems totally underreported.

Another gaping hole in the New York Times sports page is their lack of a strong columnist. Again, this is the biggest, most famous newspaper in the world, yet they have no Mitch Albom, Rick Reilly, Bill Simmons, or Michael Wilbon. Shit, they don’t even have a Stephen A. Smith. Shouldn’t the best sports writer in the world want to be writing for the Times?

The problem with the NY Times is that there is an image conflict. By setting a certain standard for professionalism for it’s coverage of foreign affairs, politics, and the arts, the sports page follows suit. The astute sports fan appreciates a little more innovative approach – whether it be through complex statistical analysis, humorous slants to the writers, or even insider content, such as the surge of athlete blogging. These are just a few examples, but the evidence is mounting that New York Times is becoming irrelevant as a source for credible sports coverage. It’s just too objective, too mainstream, and too focused on the NY teams.

Another shortfall of the NY Times sports page is the emphasis on stats. A serious sports page understands that sports fans love stats. They dedicate a lousy half a page to the boxes and the majority of the data is just the standings. There have box scores for NFL and NCAA games, but nothing for college and very little in terms of league leaders and more detailed data. This is the difference of the sports page entertaining us for 10 minutes or an hour. I guess that real estate is just a little too precious.

Shall I keep going? OK, the next complaint is the layout. The Times typically crams 7 to 8 stories on the front page. Rather than featuring the two or three best stories and keeping the majority of it on the front page, the Times has a couple leader paragraphs on the front and then requires flipping through the pages back and forth to read the articles. This is really bush league. Anyone who has held a newspaper on train knows that the less have to turn those damn pages, the better.

Finally, the biggest gripe is the content. I’ve already stated my piece on the over concentration of New York team coverage, but there’s more. It’s the feel good stories, of Ron Bunyan, the high school volleyball coach, who helped increase participation in the volleyball program among young children. I just made that up, but this one is actually in a Sunday Times: “The Keeper of the Silks For Jockeys." Now that is a gripping headline. It’s literally a story about some guy who does the laundry for some horse racing jockeys. Can someone please explain what is interesting about that story?

As I mentioned, I try to plow through the NY Times about twice a week. As much as I appreciate the real news coverage and solid Op-Ed writing, it’s definitely to the point where I dread these mornings, because I know the sports articles are going to suck so royally. Thank goodness for USA Today (don’t laugh).

Why Is It So Easy To Hate These Guys?

2008-12-03T10:17:00.000-08:00

A while back you may recall, we rolled out an installment of the very coolest of cool when it comes to white dudes that can play hoops. Well, today we are flipping the script just a tad and bringing you the very "un-coolest" of un-cool when it comes to white dudes that have attempted to play ball. Ironically enough, they all tend to share one common trait; they all played for Splinter himself at Duke. With College Hoops rolling right around the corner, what could be a more fitting time?

So, rally with me Duke haters and Duke defenders, but you're going to have a hard time arguing the list of the utmost in un-cool white dudes to ever lace 'em up. My apologies and regards go out to Dick Vitale for if he were to read this very piece his head would rotate in circles on a swivle that is his neck. Oh wait, it does that already. Anyhow...on to the list.

When compiling such a refined list as this it can be a pretty rigorous task. The problem isn’t necessarily figuring out who to add, but rather who not to add. With so many choices to be made, at times the whole process can flip into information overload. There are just so damn many of these nerdy fucking dookies aren't there? For obvious reasons, I had to leave Christian Laettner and Josh McRoberts off the list? Why you may ask? Well, for one Laettner has been known to pull some ass in his day, remember Duff? And McRoberts, well ~~I read~~ somebody told me he was seen in US Magazine with L.C from the "Hills." Hence, the omission.

Ok, moving right along...

Lee Melchionni – A recent addition to the ever growing list and he should very well be proud to have made the cut. Melchionni was the ultimate garbage player when at Duke. He was also the ultimate antagonist and ever so annoying douche bag that, go ahead and raise your hand and admit you wanted to punch.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.– The question I always used to ask about Jr. was “did somebody take a shop vac and suck the skin and muscle tissue out of his face?” He looks very creepy and kind of like Skeletor. However, not to be biased solely on his looks, but he was very easy to despise in his playing days at Duke.

I do have to give the man his due credit, he had game. He was a certified back breaker for any anti-Duke fan like myself, watching as he sank countless three balls from the corner. His ability to glide in the lane unscathed on a routine basis was enough for me to pull my hair out. The Larry Bird comparisons during his freshman season are what pushed me over the edge and made Jr. a feature in this column. Personally, I would trade all my basketball skill in the world to not have to walk through life with a sunken in cave-like structure of a face, but that’s just me.

Besides, after that last sentence…its official, I’m going to hell, see you there.

Bobby Hurley – Ok, I won’t be as harsh on little Boobsy for obvious reasons. The image of him racing for Coach K and raising his right arm, almost in Hitler-esque fashion when they finally one the National Championship, still stings me today. It’s like I was on that Kansas team that lost to Duke in the title game.

There were countless times I pounded my fist on a wall or asked myself “why” during Bobby Hurley’s career. Like many hated Duke players, he was notorious for that back breaking play that just left you gasping for air. Is that becoming a theme of this column? One side note on Bobby, I am pretty sure he played Hans Klopek in one of my favorite movies “The Burbs.”

Jon Scheyer - Only 3 more years of pleading with my television for him to please keep his mouth from hanging wide open when he makes any kind of attempt at a Basketball move. And for God sakes, hit the weight room kid.

Danny Ferry – The original most hated Dookie of all-time on my list. I have a more vivid recollection of Danny Ferry hitting a game winning free throw in Chapel Hill in 1988, then what I did last weekend. I guess you could consider it a battle scar. Do I take things too personal at times? Probably, but who cares. Ferry, single handily killed it in virtually every big stage of his Duke career, sans the Final Four. From Ferry, I learned the phrase, “you love him if he’s on your team, you hate him if he’s not”, as it applied to him. Fuck, end it now.

It all made perfect sense back then and no such phrase is more applicable to Danny Ferry. He was a nuisance, but nonetheless, he was a hell of college basketball player. I love stressing the word “college” with every player I profile. It has a nice ring to it.

Cherokee Parks – He's probably much better suited for the all-Duke goon team, because I really don’t have a strong hatred for him. However, I do like to laugh at him at times. He was dubbed as the savior of Duke Basketball in the post-Laettner era. Yet, he really never amounted to much of anything. He was a team captain and leading scorer of the 1994 team that went 2-14 in the ACC. That should give you a pretty good measuring stick of his importance. How'd that NBA Career turn out?

Matt Christiansen - (King Goon) A picture is often worth a thousand or a million words.

Shavlik Randolph - The Next Larry Bird? Inside/outside game with strong hands, great length, tremendous upside potential. Very, very long. Was that the Jay Bilas scouting report? Yup, it was.

Nick Hovrath - Wasn't he an extra in Deliverance?

Erik Meek - (King Gump) He was actually a regular in Coach K's rotation in the mid 90's. Of course, you may recall Rasheed Wallace consistently dunking on him and making a constant mockery of MEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

Marty Clark - Loved the Buzz cut buddy. Why did you ever lose it?

Chris Collins – He is like the Rudy of Duke Basketball, although he was not a walk on, he still had that feel to him. Somehow, I could just picture Coach K giving him that famous Rudy speech. “Your five feet nothing, without an ounce of athletic ability.” After Collins worked his ass off for three seasons, he finally had arrived by his senior year. And Coach K was able to have one of those special tear filled senior nights when he graduated. It was as if Coach K had created this amazing “college” basketball player from rubble.

Steve Wojciechowski (a.k.a WoJo) – I don’t mind little WoJo so much anymore, even though he wipes Coach K’s butt on the sidelines as an assistant with Chris Collins. However, that will never relinquish the years of torment he brought me when he was a player. To this day his nickname is the all-time favorite of Dick Vitale. He would actively seek out opportunities just to rattle of his name.

Disturbing to say the least, but not as disturbing as the “floor slap.” Anyone, who is a diehard College basketball fan, will never forget the floor slapping days of WoJo in the mid to late 90’s. It was more agonizing than hands screeching down a chalkboard. No matter if Duke was up by 20 or down by 20, after any big play WoJo was pounding that floor. He was a tenacious little fucker in that regard. How someone didn’t just turn and punch him in the heat of the moment, I will never know.

J.J Redick – Ok, I'm doing lay-up drills now. Welcome to the obvious section of the post. J.J's balls still hurt from Dickie V's 4 year rim job. And the tears of abandonment the day he left
Duke, still sting Coach K more intensely than the battle scars of Redick's poetry.

"No bandage can cover my scars. It's hard living a life behind invisible bars"

"My hopes and dreams shattered by the miscalculation of my own situation"

Is that Eminem? Where did he come up with that stuff? Correct me if I am wrong, but does his tough life consist of having grown up middle class in Virginia? Being given the opportunity to attend one of the most prestigious academic schools in the country on a scholarship to compete and excel in athletics?

"I went blow for blow, I went face to face"

Do you think he's talking about Coach K...or when Shane Battier came down for Alumni weekend and stayed in his dorm room one night?

“A sharp thorn once cut my soul. The blood flowed, but no bandage would cover the wound. I couldn't help but stare at the distant moon. Waiting for a resolution to come at an instant soon.”

How does Redick's mom respond when she reads that shit? "J.J I don't understand, I thought we pampered you and kept you away from drugs and Slayer."

Shane Battier – The consummate leader and professional, so I'll spare from taking any cheap shots at the All-American kid. However, I ask you this…doesn’t he look kind of like a Shar Pei Dog?

Well, that's enough from me...my feet feel really warm and I think the Demons from the eternal fires of hell are calling my name. So, if you'd do me the honors in the comment section, tell me I'm right or tell me you'd like to beat the shit out of me. I'm cool either way.

Maintaining the Order of the League

2008-11-25T08:53:00.000-08:00

Proud minions of our sacred army,

We have arrived at the crossroads and it is now time to choose the path of thy noble and true of heart. Despite the temptation to stray from the decree set forth by that our holiest of institutions, we must lead our followers away from the demons and to the promised land. No man shall rise above this holy institution in favor of personal glory and it is our given order to maintain the peaceful coexistence of our solemn village.

Folks, we have reached the hot zone in the fantasy football season and it is our collective responsibilities as commissioners to lead our leagues through this tumultuous time.This is when the shit starts to get hairy.

Around week 12 every season, there's always one or two players who realize they are as good as done. These are the guys who forgot to set the roster on a regular basis and probably still have Deuce McAllister in the starting lineup. As commissioner, you have got to watch the league like a hawk and rule it with an iron hand. Why? These guys will cheat. It's not necessarily them who are the problem though, but rather it's the guys who still have an outside shot. These guys will try to come up with elaborate schemes to form an alliance to come up with one good team to make a playoff run.

I'm not naming any names, but a certain brother of mine just recently attempted to buy an entire team and then make a mass five player for five player trade which looked like something to the effect of Clinton Portis, Chris Cooley, Terrell Owens, and Marion Barber, for guys like Pierre Thomas, Kevin Walter, and Jamal Lewis. Needless to say, this caused a massive uproar by several members of the league, particularly from the team who is slated to play these guys this week.

Well, the league overthrew the trade via the veto power, but the issue still exists. It's really the next 2 weeks that make up this hot zone, because typically in late November, whether or not the trade deadline hits, these guys have plenty of tricks up their sleeves and the power to wreak havoc. Sure, the veto power is great all, but having curbed the attempted alliance, these fantasy defects will stop at nothing to wither develop a competitor or worse, cause mayhem for the strong teams. Here are some of the key stunts you may need to thwart - look out.

Putting in Swiss cheese or empty lineups when playing against a team who, by winning, will disrupt the standings for the current leaders. For example, say there is a team tied for fifth and these bottom dwellers want them to win to screw someone else at the top.
Dropping their players to show you that "they quit" and again screwing everyone over when someone will inevitably pick them up. This move tends to end in a scandal, because someone is usually tipped off when the player gets dropped (Stan, looking in your direction here).
Sketchy trades (assuming you were too dumb to implement a trade deadline). "What, I needed a defense and Steve Smith hasn't been playing well."

Commissioners, it is your job to maintain the order. Most leagues, Yahoo! especially, have all the tools in your toolkit to prevent this from ruining an otherwise good league. You can set the veto function for trades, freeze rosters if guys are throwing games, set a trade deadline so as the playoffs near, questionable trades are a non-issue, and even make it so the teams who quit are no longer considered wins or losses. So be strong and hold your ground. This is fantasy football, not some laughing matter. Last guy who tried a stunt like this in our money league left looking like this.

Wolverines, Schniggity Schnine

2008-11-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

For the first time in 11 years, the Michigan Wolverines ousted a top ten opponent, de-throning west coast pseudo-rival, UCLA, at Madison Square Garden last night.

And more importantly, the Wolverines are unbeaten and giving Michigan fans a little heart starter that for once does not involve beer in the morning or an injection through the rib cage. At 3-0 and with a top 5 victory, the Wolverines, dare I say it, are gonna be ranked.

I'm kicking myself today, because I noticed last week when I attended the mother of all concerts, AC/DC - who I kid you not, has not lost even a semblance of a step and is worth $300 to see - that Michigan was coming to town this week. While I figured this year's team would see notable improvement in John Beilein's second year, the expectations are now soaring.

After all, Manny Harris looks like a bonafide superstar, averaging 23.7 points, 4.7 assists, and 7.3 rebounds per contest and DeShawn Sims is maturing into the real deal as well with 15.7 points and eight boards per game of his own.

Clearly, with a potentially disastrous Ohio State football game just about 12 hours away, a little lifeblood via the hoops team is exactly what us depressed Michigan fans need right now and hey, maybe lighting can strike twice? Go Blue. Fu&k the Buckeyes.

Reading Material?

2008-11-18T14:42:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, we haven't been updating the GoWF much lately - ok at all. Well, it's not out of laziness. As much as we love this crappy blog, there's only so much time in the day and we're way to hip for this shit.

Nah, in reality, we actually got a couple paying jobs and another one that a couple people actually read, so the efforts have been focused elsewhere. Thus, with that in mind, we're probably going to largely use the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes to direct to the other stuff we've been working on. We'll try to drop a fresh post periodically, but until the football season concludes, we'll just pass you around the interwebs like you're downtown brown.

Lalley (Stan)

Week 11 Fantasy Football Recap, Though and Recap Moving Forward: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse

Sink or Swim, Big Ben, Santonio and Trent Edwards: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Deadline Deals, Time to Move Marion Barber: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Opposite Thinking, Joseph Addai: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Week 11 49ers-Rams Live Blog: Sports Illustrated

Binsky (Rupert)

Waiver Wire Wonders: Week 11: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Has History Taught Us Anything, Nine Studs for the Fantasy Playoffs: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Smashing Pumpkins @ United Palace Review: Hidden Track

Frightened Rabbit Interview (real backstage/in-person interview): Hidden Track

The Occasional Countdown (top ten new bombass songs): Hidden Track

Ben Folds @ Stubbs BBQ Review: Hidden Track

Garaj Mahal/Fareed Haque Interview: Glide Magazine
Week 8 Titans-Colts Live Blog: Sports Illustrated

Daunte Culpepper's Starts First Game, Results Really Surprising

2008-11-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

ROMANTIC LOG CABIN - FIRESIDE - NIGHT

Betty and Rick arrive after a long drive up to the cabin amidst the beautiful Aspen sky and Rick builds a roaring fire in the stone fireplace, while Betty unpacks.

Betty's Internal Monologue: This is really romantic. He is so sweet... And so fucking obvious. Does he really think this is going to be a surprise? My God, we went ring shopping like four months ago and now we're going to Aspen for a romantic weekend on my fucking birthday. Gimme a break. Should I mess with him and find the engagement ring in his bag and hide it? That would be awesome. No, that would be so mean. I don't want to ruin the "surprise."

Rick (with an audible nervous crackle in his language): Miss Betty. Come down to the fireplace, I have a surprise for you.

Betty's Internal Monologue: Alright, just let me get my Visine so it looks like I'm crying. Remember, act surprised and say you love it even though it's probably ugly. Alright, game time baby.

Betty: Coming.

Betty walks down the wooden staircase to find Rick kneeling on his one knee by the light of his handmade fire.

Betty: Oh my God. I can't believe it.

Rick: Betty, will you marry me?

Betty: Yay. Wee. Woohoo. Of course. Nice ring. Can we get drunk now?
_______________________________________________________

That was meant to reflect how surprised I am that Daunte Culpepper started his first game for the Lions and helped the Lions on their way to a perfect 0-16 season with a lousy performance. In fact, Daunte's 104 yards, one interception, zero touchdowns, and 47.5 passer rating helped Detroit suffer their worst defeat yet in their worst season ever. Thus, by the transitive property of equality, this was technically the worst NFL football game ever. Is that a little heavy on the hyperbole?

Fortunately, Drew Stanton got some playing time finally, threw a touchdown pass, and went 6-8, which is great news considering the Lions just blew what will amount to around $5 million bucks on a really crappy washed up Daunte Culpepper who will probably get injured during practice this week.

Forgive me if I am not surprised by Culpepper's performance. Apparently, the rest of the Lions organziation forgot that he is not good and hasn't been good since Minnesota... in freaking 2004.

In his defense, the Lion's defense stunk it up really badly as well, so he wasn't the only one sucking out there. The defense gave up 384 total yards, not to mention three touchdowns in the first half alone to a single player, Maurice Jones-Drew. The offense never had a chance to catch a rhythm.

Now, we will all be reeling with anticpation as we wait until Sunday to see who wins the starting QB job, but if you don't know, you don't know the Lions. It's inevitable that Stanton will start playing really well, while Culpepper winds up a collosal waste of money. That's just the way it goes on the Lions. Nothing makes sense.

Thus, I have one fearless forecast for this Lion's team and Drew Stanton will ochestrate this ballsy Nostradamism. Detroit will take down the undefeated Titans on Thanksgiving Day in a marvelous victory. Why? Simply put, nothing ever makes sense with the Lions.

Fantasy Football Manifesto: Don't Have a Crappy Team Name

2008-11-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

Every year NFL.com runs this shitty campaign about the rules of Fantasy Football. It's a chance to pop the cherries on the few remaining people out there that have yet to try Fantasy Football. In reality it's a nice little campaign for the novice, but for us we are PROS at this shit and needed to come up with a manifesto that relates better to our needs. And so today we are opening the first topic on the importance of team names.

Simply stated, I can’t stress enough just how important a team name really is for Fantasy Football. It defines who you are as an owner and what you are going to bring to the table week in and week out. It needs to be a well thought out process and next to marriage or buying your first home, it's probably the 3rd most important decision in a person's life.

The first step is knowing your audience. I mean if you're playing in a league with Mike, Bob and Joe from the office...you may have to discretely censor yourself. For example, a name like "Taught Ballbag" or "Seething Phallus" probably won't suffice. You'd better think of something intriguing, but less explicit. In these instances I like to pull out a name like the "Four Skins." Note the spelling and though they may think they know what you mean, you can always disguise it by claiming it refers to Golf.

Trust me, you'll feel better knowing you've duped them into not thinking you're a total pervert. Anyhow, do not ever under any circumstances pull out a fucking name like "The Destroyers" or "Gridiron Glory" or "Fin to Win." Gay. Gay. Gay. Nothing says "here is my douche bag subpoena to be me made fun of all season long like a shitty team name" amongst co-workers.

Once we start talking about the league with your buddies...the stakes get raised. You've got to come strong or simply submit to being the designated as the "mangina" of the league. Censorship is out the window in these leagues and like an interview for a job, you only have one chance to make a good first impression.

Now, I've heard and seen some great names floating around this here internet from time to time. Here are a few examples of such names of which I will take NO credit for; 3rd and Long Duk Dong, Shartzilla, Air Tight Rape, Romancing the Bone, DBL Perpetrator, Good Touch/Bad Touch, Cuntstick, Open Wound, Optimus Cock, etc. These are all GREAT examples of a team name and could be used with discretion if you see fit in your own league.

However, remember the last thing you want to do is come off as un-original. For me, I use the "OBCO" method when I name my Fantasy teams. Have an ORIGINAL, BOLD, CREATIVE and hopefully OFFENSIVE team name. If your team name sucks…chances are your team is going to suck, it’s just a fact. The name should come to you in lights, kind of how Eddie from Torrance explained the name “Dirk Diggler” to Jack Horner and Reed Rothschild. You’ll know the name when it hits you, it will just feel right.

Um, for the record any name from "Boogie Nights" should now be off limits due to being played out. And that gets me onto the notion of DO NOT ever use the same theme or copycat somebody else's team name/idea. Credibility lost. For the record, several years back I used the name "Chest Rockwell" and one year we let a new guy into our league and he straight up ganked the notion and used "Dirk Diggler" as his name. It was a long season of shame for the offender.

Lastly, once you have your name, just fucking stick with it. If you failed miserably the first go round...start prepping for next season to get it right. You totally deserve the "dude you need to douche your pussy" jokes all season long. Sporadic name changes only serve the notion that your team sucks and you have ZERO creativity.

And so with that, we're off to hit the think pad and establish the perfect name for this year's teams. Best of luck with your league and your team name. As always, comments and name suggestions are very welcome below.

Iverson Set to Debut With Chauncey's Number?

2008-11-05T15:19:00.000-08:00

The Allen Iverson era for Detroit begins tonight in Toronto. And for those wondering what would happen between Iverson and Rodney Stuckey for that all important jersey #3...it's been settled. The NBA simply wouldn't allow jersey changes in mid-season and if Iverson sticks around or if the Pistons keep him around next season -- he'll have to wait to open the checkbook until then.

For now, he'll have to settle for the jersey that reads #1. Initially, this means nothing. So what, it's just another jersey number and who really cares all that much? Well, the one coincidental thing to consider is that #1 belonged to a Piston legend. Yup, the same Piston legend that just got traded to Denver, Chauncey Billups.

Apologies here if I'm picking a meaningless scab, but I can't help to think that Billups deserved a little better. I'm sure Billups could give two shits about the number and it's not as if the Pistons were going to raise his jersey into the rafters later this season. That said, it means something and it just ain't right.

Billups gave the Pistons all he had and then some throughout the course of his stay. As obvious as it was that he could no longer help the Pistons get over the hump, it still doesn't warrant dishing out his number to the next guy that steps in the locker room. Is this a potential jinx? Nah, probably not, but I just feel like the organization should've at least put Billups number to rest for this season. Then again, what other choice did they really have?

Shit, they couldn't supply Iverson with his traditional #3 and they weren't going to give him #4 or #11. So, I guess that's just how things roll. Yeah, I'm just picking at a scab right now. However, for years Chauncey meant everything to this organization and it's just tough love in this business. That said, it's almost tip-off and moving on - let's welcome the new Chauncey or the new #1 for the Pistons Allen Iverson. Right or wrong on the jersey...who knows?

Feelin' all Patriotist and Shit?

2008-11-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

One of my random imeem buddies sent me this epic Bruce Springsteen playlist yesterday, so let's ring in the dawn of the world's first beige president with pride. Despite the hangover, this whole thing feels pretty special and I think this will be a positive transition not only for the US, but for the globe.

Driving back from lunch yesterday, two of my good buddies and co-workers, one from India and the other from Ecuador, asked who I planned to cast on my ballot. I responded "Obama." Neither being able to vote themselves, responded, "Good, becuase otherwise we would have thrown your ass out of the car right here and left you to walk home."

Bruce Springsteen - The Boss

Are The Lions On Lock Down?

2008-11-04T14:15:00.000-08:00

Look, we know that Daunte is a tough negotiator and all, given that he acts as his own super agent, Ari Gold, but what is the deal? The Lion's signing of Daunte Culpepper has public knowledge for days and they inked up the paperwork today, so why no details on the contract?

At first, this seemed fairly normal given the pending physical, but now that the deal is official, why are the details being kept under wraps? As if this deal didn't make my stomach wind up like a tether ball in the first place, the secrecy forebodes nothing but a really bad deal. I'm thinking they just blew $10 million dollars on a retired quarterback with literally zero other options.

Let me tell you a simple rule of economics; when demand equals zero, the selling price does not equal $10 million. Maybe, there is a rational explanation to this bizarre secrecy, but I cannot think of any reason to hide the news. It's gonna get out, so stop with the shady weird behavior. It's bad enough, we have to witness another train wreck first hand; at least own up to putting the money on the tracks.

Dumars Makes Shrewd Move, Ready for Critics

2008-11-03T17:41:00.001-08:00

Is he the answer? Gee, I sure don't know and don't think so. However, is he a step in the right direction? You bet he is. Oh, did you hear that the Pistons traded for Allen Iverson today? Yeah, I figured that's old news by now. First, a moment of thanks and praise for Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess for all they did for the organization, the franchise and the city of Detroit. It'd be impossible to say they won't be missed or that this moment isn't bittersweet.

That said, despite what the critics will tell you...this move simply had to be done. Let's face it, the Pistons weren't going to win the Championship with the current core intact. Are they going to win it with Allen Iverson at the helm? Um, probably not, but that hardly matters at this time. The Pistons had become a stagnant version of the Atlanta Braves. I'm sure you've heard such comparisons being uttered around. Always good enough to be in the thick of the chase, but never quite good enough to get over the hump.

The move hardly means suddenly that they'll be able to stop LeBron James from taking over the Eastern Conference or ending the feel good story in Boston. In a distorted view, most are on complete polar opposites of who benefited the most from this trade. The delirious Piston fans will proclaim that we finally have a crunch time scorer and Superstar to compete with the Celtics and the LeBrons. Uh, not so fast - this isn't 2001 folks. Allen Iverson's better days are well in the rearview mirror. Meanwhile, most analysts are claiming this is an admission of failure from Dumars and Denver clearly walked away with the better end of the deal.

If anything this makes the Pistons interesting again. The same old, same old had simply run it's course in Detroit. And sure, Iverson will make them pretty damn interesting. He'll fill some seats at the Palace and add a little swagger to a team that had run a bit dry as of recent years. And I mean positive swagger, not in terms of an overconfident swagger. Look, we all know Iverson is hungry, so that's a positive.

If anything this deal had to be done simply to move Billups. Yes, I loved and still do love Billups just as much as you do. However, the complacency and decline of Billups has been no more apparent than the past few post-season clunkers he's laid down. Everyone always wants to point blame at Rasheed and Flip for the shortcomings. However, the engine of the Pistons (Billups) was running on empty the past few post-seasons. If you missed it, you just weren't watching.

He earned the nickname Mr. Big Shot back in 2004, but arguably didn't deliver a Big Shot since 2004. Again, he will be sorely missed. As Iverson is also a player on the decline and can hardly hold a jock strap to Chauncey's intangibles, leadership and defense. Who really cares if the guy has the balls to take every shot down the stretch in the playoffs. Again, I simply don't think he's the missing ingredient that will put them over the top.

However, what most critics are missing in the bigger picture is that Joe Dumars wasn't trying to hit a home run this season. I'm not saying he isn't trying to win the title. However, in the bigger picture, Iverson's contract expires as does Sheed's at the end of this season. That's roughly $33 million in salary that the Pistons can toss off the books if they so desire. It also means they can toss their hats in the big Free Agent markets in 2009 or 2010.

Does it mean they'll automatically be a top destination? Maybe and maybe not. Look, they are NOT ever going to be in the LeBron sweepstakes - fine. However, it does give them financial flexibility and the hopes of adding a potential super star to a team well built and assembled to compete for many years. Of course, the big "ifs" in the equation will be the youth of the Pistons and that being Rodney Stuckey, Amir Johnson and Maxiell.

However, sometimes you just have to go for the change. Dumars promised change and delivered upon his promise. It might not seem like the most logical move in the book. Yet, when you stop and realize that as constructed they were simply remaining stagnant - it makes sense. Yeah, I realize that hardly anybody agrees with Dumars and his logic. He's got his fair share of critics that will continue to summons up the old Darko botched pick. Let's recall though that he turned Darko into Stuckey.

So, trust in Joe D. the man knows what he's doing. Bid farewell to a couple Detroit legends, but enjoy having a rented Super Star for at least one season. Yup, this is gonna be fun afterall. Oh yeah, and keep in mind McDyess is getting bought out by the Nuggets and he'll be coming back...maybe.

Either way, it's time to usher in an era of change. And change is a good thing.

Walter Herrmann: Talk to the Hand Bitch!

2008-11-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

Fabio stole his looks. However, nobody is going to mistake his game. And nobody is going to hold him back this season. For this season is his, his for the taking. He of the name Walter "mother fucking" Herrmann. Yup, sign up and get on board the Walter Herrmann express, because he's putting on a show.

OK, it's only been two games and two games in November really mean jack shit in the long run. However, the Fabio look alike that sat on the end of the bench last season is making a difference. No longer will he sit intently on the bench with a a goofy Zoolander face, he's making his mark and earning his keep. Don't the Pistons need a fan favorite of such zest and swagger?

The resounding answer is YES. Yet, let's not get too excited and expect the "oohs" and "ahs" to shower from the Palace faithful every night. There is a new sense of trust in Detroit, but we've heard it before. Yup, we've heard the bench will play a vital role in the outcome of this season. Make no mistakes though the Argentinian is ready to fill a void for much needed "umph" off the once decrepit Pistons bench.

He electrified the fans in his first two games of the season. At one point in the season opener he made an awkward move on a fast break that appeared to be an homage to one Michael Jordan. Yup, catching the ball in stride he went up with the right hand and switched to the left in mid-air to finish with finesse and the bucket. You may recall MJ performing such an outer-worldly act in the 1991 NBA Finals. OK, it really didn't come off as pretty, but the message was clear -- Herrmann has arrived.

Against the Wizards he took over in the 4th quarter with dagger triples. Yes, thee Waler Herrmann took over. The Pistons were running plays for him down the stretch. Scratch your head now and say what the hell? Will this last? I don't know, but it sure is fun right now. Herrmann is already drawing the praise from the Detroit scribes. Just hear Mitch Albom out...

... and the tireless Walter Herrmann, whose intense expression, when he runs, suggests a man being chased by a wolf.

And Herrmann, he of the streaked-hair ponytail? Well -- there were more dropped jaws at his production than I think I've ever seen for a 10-point performance.

Yeah, I'm on board. I'm not expecting double digits each night. However, what's wrong with a little fun. That's right talk to the hand, because you ain't worthy of talking to such a pretty face. Walter Herrmann means business. Get in or get out of the fucking way.

Oh, Hello. You're probably wondering why I can't stop smiling.

2008-11-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

Hey, am I still allowed to post here? What's that? Technically? Sweet. I'll take it. I know I haven't written anything here in a couple months. I've been busy. And by busy, I mean lazy. New York has a lot more distractions than my parents' house.

But hey, me being lazy is nothing new. Me smiling constantly? That's a new one. Why am I smiling? Because the Phillies won the World Series! After 25 years a team I root for has finally won a championship. And it's pretty darn sweet. Many of you have experienced such a sensation. For me, this is a first, and I thought I'd share a bit of what the last week of my life has been like. Don't care? Hate the Phillies? Both? Hey, don't read it.

Anyway, onto the Phillies - holy shit. I mean, it STILL hasn't really hit me. I spent Friday in Philadelphia having the time of my life with 2 million equally joyous people and it still hasn't entirely sunk in. And that's okay. I've got all the time in the world for that to happen. My life is forever changed for the better, and I have the Phillies thank for it. The Phillies. The Mother. Fucking. Phillies. The, in the immortal words of Chase Utley, "world fucking champion" Phillies. Good god, I will never get tired of that phrase.

When the Phillies won the World Series, after one of the more bizarre stretches in the history of playoff baseball, I was in New York. I was unfortunately at work when it happened, but shortly thereafter I was in a bar co-owned by a Phillies fan, celebrating with him and a few other equally elated and shocked Philly fans, none of whom I had previously met. It didn't matter. We celebrated deep into the night, and when I awoke Thursday afternoon with a giant smile on my face, it was time to head to Philly. After a subdued Thrusday night spent taking in recorded footage of the local post game coverage, it was time for a day about which I have spent many years dreaming. The day of the Phillies' World Series parade. Oh my.

Friday did not disappoint, even though SEPTA tried its hardest to fail miserably. And, for the most part, they did. I went to catch a 10:30 train downtown - it passed by me and everyone else on the platform. It was already full. This was not an uncommon occurrence throughout the city. Fortunately I randomly ran into a buddy of mine at the station and he was able to give me and my buddy Zach a ride downtown and our march toward the parade had begun. The streets were filled with jubilant people of all ages. We passed one group of kids who couldn't have been more than 15 years old. "Shouldn't you children be in school?" I asked with a big grin on my face. A girl in a Philles jersey turned to me and said, "Fuck school! 600 kids from our high school are absent today!" Schools weren't closed Friday, but a holiday was certainly observed.

On our way to the parade Zach and I stopped in a liquor store on 17th and JFK. The clerk inside was talking to a coworker about how he already had run 125 debit cards. It was 11:45 am. To say that a lot of people were drinking publicly would be a large understatement.

We finally ended up on the corner of Broad and Pine for the parade. Visibility was far from perfect, but it didn't really matter. The parade was still a great time, and there was literally not a cloud in the sky. We spent the next couple hours just wandering the crowded streets, occasionally hitting nearby bars. By the time I finally hopped on a bus back to New York, I was thoroughly exhausted, but that was quite alright. It was one of the better days of my life.

To close this story out, I'll share one last anecdote from this past week. When I got off the train at 30th Street Station Thursday night, I was standing next to another guy in full Phillies gear. He looked at me and this exchange followed:

Him: It's about damn time.
Me: My sentiments exactly.
Him: You know, it's funny, when I woke up today, the sky was a different shade of blue.
Me: And it always will be man. It always will be.

World fucking champions. It's about damn time.

Post Halloween Sale: Get Your Top Quality Detroit Lions Hallloween Costumes

2008-11-02T13:11:00.001-08:00

If there is one benefit of the fanhood of a miserable sports franchise, it would have to be Halloween. When a team sucks to the colossal level that the Detroit Lions suck, the possibilities are endless. Not only do the legendary costume party appearances by Jon Kitna and Roy Williams provide some great laughs, but there are dozens more - many of which are very easy. So, here's a sampling of ideas, just in time for um, next year?

The Jason Hanson Rap Group - This is a group costume which involves the standard wigger gear of saggy pants, a cockeyed Lion baseball cap, preferably with the tag on it and some blue and silver animal stripes, and of course Jason Hanson jerseys. As a group, the team of Hanson's perform their hit single, "We Been Kickin' It For Years."

The Herman Moore Touchdown Catch - In an effort to teach Jim Colletto how to call plays for Calvin Johnson, this costume involves a complete Herman Moore uniform and his receiver gloves. The trick is you have to hold the football over your head all night just like Moore's trademark loft catches in the corner for the six.

Dorky Thanksgiving Fans - Sure the Lions on Thanksgiving is a November rite of passage for Lions fans (and knowing our luck, will be the one random miraculous win this year against the ridiculously good Titans that jips us of the first pick), but does getting on TV for a second really merit wearing a fucking turkey on your head. Have some self-respect folks.

The Daunte Culpepper - Just get some crutches and a ridiculously furry coat. Painting your face black is optional if you aren't already black, but as we learned in Soul Man, this is a risky proposition.

The Rod Marinelli - Pass out resumes for trick or treaters and say stuff like "Pound the Rock" and "Football is a show me game" repeatedly like you have Tourettes Syndrome.

The Millen Hater - Here's another easy one to stash away in the memory bank if you ever need a last minute costume. Just cut some eye holes in a bag and write "Fire Millen" on it with a Sharpie... Gone but never forgetten.

The Megatron - While I don't really support this dumb nickname for the Lion's best player Calvin Johnson, from a costume standpoint you could do worse. I presume this costume would involve a bunch of aluminum foil, a big cannon made from the tube of a roll of paper, and a number 81.

The Wooked-Out Joey Harrington - While a more conventional Harrington could be achieved by sawing off your bangs into a rigid straight line, I prefer the Harrington that looks like he was ready to throw in the towel on the Lions in favor of selling kynd veggie burritos on Phish tour.

The Wayne Fontes - We saved the best for last. This one is easy too. All you need are some Mickey Mouse ears and a Detroit Lions shirt.

Lions Going for 0-8...Half Way Home!

2008-10-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

Why bother even getting excited for the Lions game this weekend...right? Well, for one it's not going to be blacked-out, because thankfully they are on the road this weekend. And they are heading over to Chicago for an afternoon tilt with the Bears. You might recall the last time out the Lions turned Kyle Orton into the 2nd coming of Peyton Manning.

Well, Orton took that confidence and continues to ride with it. The Lions actually went into Soldier Field last season and won a hard fought - DEFENSIVE - yup, defensive game. Ironically, that also done on the grind and legs of Kevin Jones, who now happens to be a 2nd stringer on the Bears. Still though, if you'd like to toss a wager on the table and can find the odds - I'd almost bet the house that Kevin Jones gets a Touchdown this week against his old team.

And let's not kid ourselves, despite his terminal knee - Jones could probably sneak in a vulture TD if he were in a wheelchair. Ahem, you can gather I'm not all too confident about that Lions defense. Really, Sunday is just a formality for the Lions. Yes, a stepping stone on the route to perfecting imperfection. Does that make sense?

Well, what I mean is this season is no longer about pride or talent evaluation. It's about proving that a team can claw, scrape and fight to win ball games and still - yes, still go 0-16. All this talk about who would win between the Bengals and Lions or who is the actually the worse team. The answer my friends is quite simple, the Lions are the worst team in the NFL.

Am I ashamed, nope. In fact, I'm rooting for this continued imperfection all the way until the end of the season. Look, what purpose does 6-10 or 5-11 really serve you anyhow? If you're gonna lose - you may as well distinguish yourself. We would always hear - the last 0-16 team was the Detroit Lions. It would live on and on, that's our only hope at a legacy.

So, if you're looking from my bold prediction it's not pretty, but...

Bears 27
Lions 14

Deep. Deep. Sigh.

Pistons Preview: Season of Enigma

2008-10-29T00:10:00.000-07:00

We'd all love to believe that these Pistons are still that fun loving bunch that plays hard, plays the right way and just wins 'Ships. Allow me to welcome you to sobering reality and 2008. It's been 4 years since the Pistons were crowned the kings. They've gone from oh, who are those guys to ugh, not these guys again. Yes, I'm a die hard Pistons fan and even I know everyone outside of Detroit is sick of them.

My apologies if you're not on board with the concept that most casual NBA fans would just as soon see this team crumble and vanish from the foreground of the Eastern Conference. Well, tough shit sometimes this is how it goes. You know the drill about this team, they've been to SIX (count 'em) SIX straight Eastern Conference Finals. However, only twice have they advanced to the Finals and only once have they captured the Trophy.

In that time they've gone from up-n-comers with a chip on their shoulders to an arrogant often self-righteous group that has always believed in this imaginary switch they could turn on and off. Seriously, it's all we've heard about since 2005. Yes, we get it - you guys can turn the energy on and off when you so desire. Unfortunately, that "imaginary" switch is running low on power guys.

In this mini era of dominance (let's face it - this ain't dynasty) they've gone through three coaches (Rick Carlisle, Larry Brown, Flip Saunders) and are entering this season with their fourth coach this decade alone, Michael Curry. Somehow, this is supposed to convince us that despite being a "great" core group of players, it's the coach that can make all the difference. Hmm.

Also, during this time they let an NBA Finals slip through their fingertips by leaving Robert Horry wide open to steal Game 5 and the momentum of the 2005 NBA Finals. A win in that series surely would've cemented the legacy for this era of Piston Basketball. Yet, that wasn't meant to be. They've also watched a couple inferior, yet hungrier teams (Miami in '06 and Cleveland '07) TAKE, yes TAKE the Eastern Conference Finals from them. Save a few mental lapses and perhaps, they could've at least taken Boston the distance last year.

Then again, why cry over the past? It is what it is, simply put. What hasn't changed all too much during this run is the "core" players, as mentioned. Sure, they were glad to see Ben Wallace flee out of town just as he hit his downslope, but the mainstays Chauncey, Rip, Sheed and Tayshaun still linger. In some cases, you'd say that's a good thing, maybe even a GREAT thing. However, with this group you have to wonder if their time together is simply spent.

"Where do we go now?" - should be the theme of the 2008 Pistons. And let's face it, really there's only one of two directions they can go. One would be back to the Finals to FINALLY seal the deal or two to falter and fall back into mediocrity amongst the Eastern Conference. However, to predict any such season for this team is damn nearly impossible.

This team has oh-so many questions lingering over them before the ball even tips. And really who gives a damn about this regular season, because for this group - it hardly matters. Joe Dumars has made it abundantly clear that this season and every season is all about going after Championships and NOT 4th place finishes. Easier said than done.

A year older and perhaps, a year worn from trying to climb the mountain and failing yet again. The main question that will linger and haunt this Pistons team all season is their legacy. Championship windows in any sport do NOT stay open very long. The Pistons window is running against father time and if they can't answer the call this year, that legacy of which we speak has already christened to be dubbed the Atlanta Braves of the NBA.

Is this fair? Probably. Look, this team has given so many great memories over the years and I hardly intend for a Season preview to be an obituary, but facts are facts - it's win NOW or ELSE! Basically, we can't really be sure what we're going to get with the Pistons this season. That "core" group is older, the youth movement is expected, but what if they aren't ready?

On the one hand you could take the safe route and predict 50+ wins and another Central Division title. Or you could say it's the end of an era they struggle to win 45+ games and finish third in the Central. There are just way too many scenarios for this team. And really, I'm just ready to watch it unfold. And here's to moving into the great unknown for another season of DETROIT BASKETBALL!!!

Culpepper to Lions? Come On, You Can't Be Serious?

2008-10-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

Man, just as we started getting a little optimistic for the future, the news breaks today that the Lions are entering contract negotiations with freaking Daunte Culpepper. Granted, the man is a staunch negotiator and undeniably handsome, but he has the mobility of a Buckingham Palace guard.

First reported about 45 minutes ago by the Free Press that Culpepper cancelled his trip to Kansas City in favor of a workout in Detroit, ESPN is now reporting that Culpepper and the Lions entering early-stage negotiations. This makes absolutely no sense from a rebuilding phase (or just "building phase" I suppose, since the Lions ain't never been built in the first place). Culpepper will likely cost in the neighborhood of $8 to $10 million for two years and considering he can't move, this is not exactly a bargain.

Stay focused Detroit; let's eat the season and just move on. Turn the ball over to Stanton for the rest of this season and give him a chance. Come next year, let's focus on getting a franchise QB.

For more quality commentary, check out this article by Chris Morgan at the Examiner: Even Sans Millen, Lions Apparently Run By Crazy People

The Quest for the Lions Begins Right Here

2008-10-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

There is only one suitable outcome for the Lions 2008-2009 season, a perfect 0-16 season. We finally rid ourselves of our Ahab and the mutiny will only end rightly with the perfect storm. The defeated season sets the perfect backdrop to our quest for a winning season.

I want the 0-16 season so bad I can taste it. I want this disastrous, never-ending era to close with the worst season in NFL history with the Matt Millen era immortalized as the worst mismanagement in the history of sports. The worst team ever.

In doing so, the Lions are not just spraying Febreze in Millen’s office to over up his lingering stink from his rotten ass and B.O. Jackson body odor, it razes the whole damn building erasing any acknowledgement that he was ever there.

Then we can finally move on. We already made what I think might have been the best personnel move in Lions history by trading Roy Williams for a bounty of draft picks. To get 3 drafts picks, including a #1 for a quality receiver is a lopsided trade in the Detroit’s favor. If you haven’t noticed, the Lions have a better one anyway and Williams had begun turning himself into a cancer for the Lions. The Lions do not need guys second guessing the game plan and making issues about play calling, formations, and targets. That trade begun the rebuild. And for once, I don’t think we are talking about a Lion’s annual rebuild, I mean a real rebuild from the ground up - one that is going to work.

The next step is the coaching decision. I think this time, we need a proven NFL coach. While it’s too early to make any real predictions on availability, it’s pretty uch a forgone conclusion that Marineeli will be gone. I cannot see how after the horrible job he did instilling that train wreck Tampa 2 defense, why he would return. I’d even be surprised if he lasts the rest of the season. While I do not normally support mid-season NFL coaching changes like the Lane Kiffin firing, in this case you might as well cut the cord and start moving forward. Obviously this season is over for the Lions, so you might as well make the coaching change and treat the rest of the season like practice. What’s to lose.

I would not claim to really have an educated stance on the candidates, but I love the Bill Cowher suggestion that has been tossed around from time to time, particularly in the context of a coach and Gm package deal. We have seen enough bullshit attempts at high-falutin’ West Coast offenses. Let’s get a hard nosed program with a running game and a bad ass defense. Let’s be serious, this is Big Ten country, with the Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, and Minnesota Vikings. Who needs a spread offense, run and shoot, west coast, or whatever other name du jour you wanna slap on it. Let’s get a real football team.

The other key ingredient, which needs to happen this year the selection of our franchise quarterback to lead the Detroit Lion’s for the next 10 years. This is a one time decision and there will be no more Harringtons, Kitnas, Peetes, or Wares. We need the guy that every god damn sports fan in Michigan owns a jersey and the posters go on every kids’ wall. I want Colt McCoy. I’m actually sitting in the Austin airport as I type this and I believe this is our guy. Call it a feeling. McCoy has more talent and leadership than I remember in a college player really ever. While they say he wants to stay in Austin for one more year and thay he may not have the arm strength to be a great NFL QB, I’ll take the 80% completion rate and worry about adapting from there. We'll just have to wait and see come draft day if he is available. Plus, he has the greatest name for a gunslinger in the history of the game. I apologize to the state of Texas for taking your boy, but McCoy should be a Lion. We need him.

So, take pleasure in our pain one last time NFL fans, because this historic 0-16 disaster is all part of the plan. Mark my words; the end is here. As we sit and watch from the absolute trough of the curve, there is nowhere to go but up. The Lions as you know them will only exist for 8 more weeks, so let‘s all watch and laugh. And then get excited, because it‘s finally gonna end.

Why Michigan Will Not Win on Saturday

2008-10-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

With the "BIG" game fast approaching...I'm taking a deep look at just what this all really means. Honestly, never has a game like this meant so much, for so many utterly stupid reasons. We get it, Michigan is in a down year and State remains somewhat of an enigma. However, the reality that soon sets in - is that if State can't win this one, they're never gonna beat Michigan. So, let's just tap it right off the bat and let me explain to you why Michigan will finally friggin' lose to State.

And believe me - I've been waiting since 2001 for this weekend.

Laws of Nature: Yup, it’s just about time that Michigan State waltzed into Ann Arbor and left with a victory. In fact, the Spartans haven’t won in the Big House since 1990. Yes, your eyes do NOT deceive you – that’s going on 18 long years. Ouch! Well, if ever a Michigan team was ripe for the pickens and vulnerable this is it. Streaks are just meant to be broken and although State has flirted with winning at the Big House maybe once over that time, the gut says this is it.

Rich Rodriguez is an Idiot and a D-Bag: Congratulations Michigan you completely revamped the Football program after another “supposed” disastrous season under Lloyd Carr. You opted to toss aside your old school stagnant offense, stale thought process, along with part of your tradition and hopped into bed with Rich Rod.

How’s the spread offense treating you thus far? Oh wait, I know – Rich Rod just needs to get bring in “his” guys and then the system will make sense. The one problem is nobody in there right mind can honestly think Rich Rod will be around long enough to flourish if the once proud University of Michigan program fails to even qualify as Bowl Eligible. One can accept taking a step back if it means eventually taking a greater step forward. However, under the Rich Rod era – the program hasn’t taken a step back – it’s fallen backwards on it’s ass into a ditch.

Of course, at least when Rich Rod leaves offices vacant it’s a smooth transition. I mean he left very little mess at West Virginia – oops – I’ve hit a sore spot. Yup, Rich Rod is the complete opposite of anybody you’d ever imagine to coach Michigan. And just happens he’s the complete opposite of Mark Dantonio. Just another reason why Michigan will lose.

Javon Ringer Won’t Be Stopped: Senior season – one last chance to FINALLY beat Michigan. Do you think Ringer isn’t up to the task? Coming off his worst game of the season a week ago, the Wolverines will simply have no answer. He’ll punish the Michigan defense the same way Chris Perry and Mike Hart to name a few have done to the Spartans in their final game of the rivalry in the past.

Michigan Sucks: They do. Plain and simple. If we thought Appalachian State was the apocalypse, how can we can we categorize this season? They’re 2-5 and the outlook is no brighter down the stretch. After the Michigan State game, three of their next 4 games are on the road. And the lone home game is against #22 Northwestern. Seriously, 2-10 is not out of the realm of possibility. Years from now Toledo players will always be able to brag that they beat Michigan at the Big House. Oh yes, who could forget the amazing comeback against Wisconsin, but wait the Badgers suck too!!!

Michigan Fans are Fair Weather and they’re Still Assholes: Silence. Crickets. That’s what you hear from Michigan fans this season. At first it was excuses like “oh, we are in a transition period” or “we don’t have the talent.” All the while, don’t lie Michigan fan, despite the loss of the famed Senior class – you fully expected to at least be fighting for a Bowl Game. Yet, now that filthy swagger and arrogance is gone. Hail to the victors my ass. Most Michigan fans have taken on the usual Spartan response “I don’t care – I just drink for the games.” Yeah, sure of course you don’t care…LIAR!

They Simply Deserve to Lose: If exhibits one through five weren’t enough I can’t help. This is for all the bull-shit Spartan fans have had to endure over the years. Simply put, fuck being the step-brother – we’re gonna win this game. You damn well know you don’t deserve it and therefore we’ll take it.

Rant complete…Fuck Michigan.

Which Football Movie Coach Should Take Over for Rod Marinelli?

2008-10-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Now that the unthinkable finally occurred (no, Pizza Hut did not build a pizza box made entirely of cheese... yet) and the Detroit Lions finally parted ways with the worst front office personnel man in football history, Matt Millen, Rod Marinelli's days are undeniably numbered. Obviously, us GoWF boys cannot resist an opportunity to chime in with some ideas. In reality, I'd love to see Cowher in the spot, but today were looking at some other good candidates, our favorite coaches from football movies.

The Long Shots

Tony D'Amato - While D'Amato certainly had the fire in his belly, his age and inability to put front office fatcats in their place, make him an unlikely candidate for the role. D'Amato struggles with keeping his game modern, so owners worry about his ability to adapt to the modern game. Finally, with new management on the way, it's too risky to hire a coach with a track record of succumbing to top brass demands against his better judgement.

Coach Klein - While Coach Klein built a sturdy reputation for discovering talent in even the strangest of places, the Lions are looking for a bit harder nose. Klein is known to get intimidated easily when facing big name coaches and must win games. Plus, this movie just sucked way to bad.

Molly McGrath - Women in jobs traditionally held by men are all the rage these days. The Lions thought maybe they could at least land one stinking Monday Night Football game if they pulled a publicity stunt like hiring former Wildcats' head coach, Molly McGrath. McGrath does not have a whole lot of coaching experience, but she still looks pretty damn good despite being in her early 60s.

The Short List

Bud Kilmer - The man could certainly motivate. He got players to play for him despite being hurt. Sure, he was a little insane and probably drove a wedge through one of the best team's the State of Texas High School Football circuit had ever seen, but you gotta hand it to him - he got the most out of his players. Shit, he has a stadium named after him and he didn't buying with the money he saved by firing all his automotive industry employees.

What could he do for the Lions? Wonders, I tell you, wonders. He's an old fashioned ball coach who'd certainly keep the ball on the ground, but he'd bring a pedigree of toughness to the organization that's sorely been lacking. And would he alienate a few folks along the way? Yes, but so friggin' be it - the Lions are team in need of tough love and we all know Bud Kilmer can deliver just that.

Coach Harris - While it would be nice to land a coach with some pro coaching experience, scouting is at the top of the list of root causes for the Lions over the past decade. Coach Harris brought in top recruits to the Adams Atoms in All-American quarterback Stan Gable, first round defensive lineman, Fred "The Ogle" Palowakski, and speed receiver, Danny Burke. Harris also brings an the aggressive, no bullshit personality the Lions need to right the ship in a hurry. Ultimately though, questions about Harris' character will likely keep him out of serious contention for the head coaching job, as Harris made national news for a widely publicized pep rally fight with a number of Adams students.

Jimmy McGinty - McGinty has a nice resume having turned a team of replacement players into a very good football team during the pro football strike of 1987. McGinty also earned praise from the Lions organization for developing a has-been quarterback into a leader in Shane Falco - clearly of pinnacle importance to the current Lions' roster. McGinty has all of the right credentials and experience, but he already retired once and his eyebrows and ears are starting to look like sleeping cats. In other words, he's too old.

Sign Him Up

Ed "Straght Arrow" Genaro - Straight Arrow Genaro really offers everything the Lions need. He took a chance on a quarterback that nobody believed in and turned him in to one of the top passers in the NCAA. He works hard with his receiving corps and does not give up on them as illustrated by the stunning development of Featherstone after struggling with drops for the better part of the season. They turned a haphazarrd group of roustabouts into a formidable defense with incredible linebacker play. Finally, the most impressive feat however, which addresses the Lions Achilles heal, is Genaro built a tremendous offensive line with zero scholarships.

This World Series Might Suck!

2008-10-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

As I watched the Philadelphia Phillies clinically put the Los Angeles Dodgers to sleep for 2008, I couldn't help, but think that should've been the Chicago Cubs. No, not the Cubs polishing off the winning touches, rather the Cubs getting outplayed and outdone by the Phillies in the NLCS. Yup, maybe I'm still a little bitter about the Cubs gagging against the Dodgers. However, I'm mature enough to admit that the best team in the National League is going to the World Series.

Deep sigh, that took a lot out of me. On the other side of the country the Tampa Bay Rays are putting on one hell of a demolition at the fate of the Boston Red Sox. They've outplayed the Red Sox in every facet of the game and left Fenway Park a morgue. The chatter about, well the Red Sox have been there before and have climbed out of worse holes is all you're hearing today. And maybe, by the time you read this – we'll be headed back to Tampa for a pressure cooker.

However, when all is said and done – yes, the Rays are a much, much better team than the Boston Red Sox. And in fact, they are the hands down best team in Baseball. Doesn't mean they'll sweep through the Phillies, but it means they'll certainly be the prohibitive favorites. So, even if by some divine intervention the Cubs would've been able to get past the Dodgers, get lucky against the Phillies – yes, the dream would've gone up in flames against the Rays. I can't picture it happening any other way, but there's always next year.

Well, aside from Baseball having probably the two best teams in the Fall Classic showcase…you have to wonder if that's a good thing? The short answer is a resounding NO! OK, maybe if you're a baseball purist you're licking your chops at the thought of a Phillies-Rays World Series. However, I can sure tell you that FOX is praying this one goes quickly and quietly into the night.

Fair or not, the Rays just don't bring the kind of lure to the table to draw average fans to tune into the World Series. Yes, that's just how the universe works – apologies Rays fans. Sure, they are young talent laden team with many a Superstar on the rise, but they simply have no history on their side. The Tropicana is just a giant space – nothing fancy or nothing that reeks of Baseball tradition. You do remember the lopsided ratings that the Marlins produced when they made it to the World Series twice in the span of a decade…right?

This is no knock on the immense fan base the Phillies will bring to the table. However, the saying goes – it takes two to tango. When the post-season match-ups were first introduced many were hoping for a Dodgers-Red Sox or Cubs-Red Sox or Phillies-Red Sox match-up. No, I'm not biased in anyway, but facts are facts the Red Sox bring in the draw. Let's not count out the Angels or White Sox, as most networks would have gone "goo-goo-ga-ga" over a White Sox-Cubs or Angels-Dodgers World Series.

OK, do you notice what's missing? Yup, the small market Brewers and Rays, which probably would've produced the lowest rated World Series ever. Breathe easy, that won't happen. However, take a deep sigh, because the Rays for as good as they are, will muck up this thing and cause interest to plummet. Are you really gonna watch? Sorry, but I'm not and I can sense the show of hands in agreement. Unless, you're fan of either team - this probably has pass written all over it.

Look, that's enough bashing on the Rays. It's not meant to discredit the team in anyway shape or form. Aside, from just the match-up alone – really hasn't this entire post-season just sucked or what? The first round wasn't even competitive – it was so non-interesting. What series was mildly intriguing on the field, other than maybe the Angels-Red Sox? Fast forward to the LCS and it's been two more blowouts.

The dream of the Cubs winning the World Series evaporated very early on, but that didn't have to mean the rest of the Playoffs would be a dud. Yes, I feel the virtual beer bottles that Phillies and Rays fans are throwing at me right now. However, seriously this has been one drama-less and lackluster post-season that's hardly been gripping and/or entertaining. So, why on earth would anyone expect the World Series to change the trend?

Yeah, maybe it goes seven dramatic games, but who will care? I doubt many people will even bother watching. So, cheers to whoever wins the coveted Championship – at least your fans will care about you. To reiterate, I'm not that bitter that the Cubs are gone. Not that bitter. Argh.

Countdown to the Ohio State Game.

2008-10-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

As has been the customary theme for this season. Instead of breaking down the big game or analyzing the "what if's" or the "if we do this we win" scenarios, I'm digging up the past. Look, there's nothing better than digging up the old memories and hoping that can re-kindle some magic. In short, it's been 10 years since Michigan State trumped then #1 Ohio State in Columbus.

Of course, back then Nick Saban was the coach, but this is arguably the most disciplined team since the Saban era. I'm not about to predict anything for Saturday. All I can say is I'm looking forward to this. It's going be damn hard to stop Wells and/or Pryor. However, we're hopefully gonna give Ohio State all they can handle. For now, let's just soak in the memory. 'Till Saturday.

Ten Things You Probably Didn't Know About The 2008 Fantasy Football Season

2008-10-14T13:44:00.001-07:00

1) Aaron Rodgers is the third highest scoring player in the entire NFL.

2) Lee Evans is averaging 27 yards per reception.

3) Of the top 25 scoring wide receivers, only seven were generally drafted in the first four rounds (Fitty, Wayne, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Boldin, TO, and Housh)...

4) While six of the top 25 wide receivers were typically no better than the 200th player drafted (DeSean Jackson, Lance Moore, Steve Breaston, Devery Henderson, Eddie Royal, and Muhsin Muhammad).

5) The point spread between the NFL's 2nd highest scoring tight end (Chris Cooley) and the 15th scoring tight end is roughly only 15 points (Marcedes Lewis).

6) Amongst the ten best scoring quarterbacks in the league, zero were first round draft picks, only Romo and Brees were generally drafted in the top three rounds, and six had an ADP of over 100 (Rodgers, Rivers, Warner, Orton, Campbell, and Favre).

7) Not a single Patriot ranks in the top 75 overall fantasy players thus far. They also have the fourth worst fantasy defense in the league.

8) Houston has by far the worst fantasy defense with just about 20 points total (using fairly standard scoring).

9) Adam Vinatieri is the 9th worst kicker in the league yet he is owned in roughly 65% of leagues.

10) Jason Elam is by far the best kicker in the league, yet is owned in only about 34% of leagues.

How Will the Credit Crisis Affect the World Series?

2008-10-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

1) Instead of using single ply in the bathrooms, Major League Baseball Stadiums will now provide last season's game programs.

2) In an effort to save AstroTurf, domed stadiums will now use use green paint.

3) Most players are opting for the less expensive Lexington Slammer.

4) The footlong will be converted to the 10 centimeters.

5) Red Hots will be renamed Red Warms.

6) The Price of a 22 ounce Coors Light will rise modestly to $42.50.

7) The baselines will no longer be redusted every game, which will be replaced by a few small orange cones.

8) Instead of the live organ player, stadiums will use preset Casio beats.

9) The announcers will only be allowed to drink double malt scotch.

10) Finally, the national anthem will be sung by contestants of America's Got Talent instead of American Idol and Oh Canada will be dropped entirely.

Chuck Rogers Owes Money, Seeks Advice from God

2008-10-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

The joke of the day is that Lions secured what might be their one and only victory this season. Yup, word is out that Charles "China Doll" Rogers owes the Lions $8.5 million. Ouch! Where the hell is my man Chuck going to find that type of money? Shit, the Arby's in Saginaw ain't paying him, but minimum wage.

It's just not a stable enough economy to make it in this world as a brick weed dealer or a Canadian Football star. So, Rogers would appear to be stuck. His jersey ain't worth a damn these days and besides when he left the Lions he tossed it to a kid in the stands and apparently said: "I ain't gonna need this no 'mo."

Well, having lived and loved the Charles Rogers era at Michigan State, I like to think only about the good times. Yup, that went fast. Oh well. Anyhow, I imagine Rogers had some sort of epiphany in the wee hours last night and spoke to God. Yes, perhaps - this is how it all went down. 'Ole Chuck contemplating his future and behold a vision came to him in the night.

Fictitiously, here's what transpired. Um, maybe...

Rogers: Is you a ghost?

God: When I see a ghost, I cut the mutha fucka.

Rogers: Is you..um, is you...God?

God: Dolemite, mutha'fucka', ya heard'er!

Rogers: Damn, Dolemite really is God. Shit dog - I knew it. Man, troubled times homie, shit ain't right.

God: You rat soup-eatin' motha-FUCKA!

Rogers: Damn dog, where am I gonna come up with this kinda money?

God: You no-business, born-insecure, jock-jawed motha-FUCKA!

Rogers: Shit, the bill collectors already ringing my phone and now the Detroit "mutha-fucking" Lions? I'm fucked.

God: I want you to take these cheap mother fuckers and wipe your ass with them!

Rogers: Damn thanks God. I'm gonna handle my business and tell all them mutha-fucka's what time it is.

God: Don't forget the white ones.

Rogers: No doubt.

The Comeback: Michigan State vs. Northwestern 2006

2008-10-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since Michigan State has played a meaningful game of any significance. Well, unless you include the Michigan game each season where we simply hope and pray we can somehow sabotage the Wolverines season. That said this weekend just happens to be a HUGE game in Spartan land. Yup, we're taking our first Top 25 ranking in a long time to Northwestern.

We all should know what happened last time the Spartans headed to Northwestern. Well, it was only one of the greatest comebacks EVER! Don't take my word for it...here's a your reminder. Feel free to relive the magic. Let's hope we don't need to pull off another miracle this time around.

What Would Wayne Do?

2008-10-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

The man who is quickly becoming our favorite Lion's scribe, Tom Kowalski, wrote a great piece about doing what we always do, asking "What would Wayne Do?" in the face of adversity.

Most sports writers, particularly when they dedicate their efforts to a single team or topic, are quick to pick apart what is wrong with a team, its decision-making, and of course the personnel. Well, Kowalski has the cajones to put forth ideas about what the team needs to do to fix the problems, rather than just belittle the stakeholders involved for their shortcomings.

Well, this time he suggests a couple nervy choices. If you're Rod Marinelli, look to the history of one Wayne Fontes, for answers.

These desperate times call for desperate measures. The man Marinelli must emulate is ... Wayne Fontes.

Say what you will about Fontes, the former Lions coach, but the man was lights out when it came to crisis management. He couldn't handle prosperity very well, but he was brilliant in terms of survival (we'll find someone else to help Marinelli with the prosperity part if that, you know, ever happens).

Later, he goes on to suggest that the if Marinelli wants a job, he needs to make drastic moves. The recommendation: ditch Dead-End Dan Orlovski and get hometown boy, Drew Stanton in the game. If nothing else, Stanton is explosive and fresh. He might stink out Ford Field, but that's no departure from the norm.

I like these crackpot ideas and I enjoy reading sportswriters with suggestions. Especially, when the end with great lines like, "What Would Wayne Do?"

Check Out This Hot Ride

2008-10-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

What you see before you is the 1969 Reggie Jackson Model Camaro. Man, if you ever wondered how baddass Reggie Jackson was back in the day, this explains it. Something tells me Reggie Jackson and Wooterson would have been good friends.

With General Motors struggling for market share, it remains a mystery why this beauty has not hit the public market. This is way better than that lame Volt.

It's Gonna Happen...0-16!

2008-10-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

Failure (fail, phail or flop) in general refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective. It may be viewed as the opposite of success. (See Detroit Lions).

It's a sad state of sobering reality in Detroit. There is no end in sight, no silver lining, no end to this bleeding. Yup, the Detroit Lions are the worst ~~team~~ franchise in ~~the NFL~~ all of sports. I welcome all rebuttals, please, please prove me wrong. Standing at 0-4 after Sunday's debacle, the dream of an unblemished season is a reality.

And for the Lions a win would be a blemish. Oh yes, they simply must pursue the dream of utter shame and embarrassment by going win-less. Let's be honest, the pursuit of imperfection won't be all that hard. Besides, this team deserves the honor...don't they? OK, don't answer that.

The organization thought to have rid itself of rotting failure by cutting ties with king idiot Matt Millen are still in utter disarray. You've got WR Mike Furrey speaking out on how the team has no identity:

We thought we had an identity. We thought we were progressing a little bit. Now it just seems like we’re at a standstill right now. We’re trying to find out who we are and what we can do, making sure everybody understands the system.

It's a lost cause in Detroit. Rod Marinelli has vowed to continue to "play hard" or "play out the string." Of course, he's also vowed to basically do whatever the Ford family asks of him. So, we can fully expect that his leash will soon be cut. However, that probably won't happen until the end of the season.

For now, it's just a train wreck in motion. Rudi Johnson isn't all too pleased with his role on the team. Really? Well, that's shame - hey Rudi what the fuck did you think you were getting into? There are also rumors that Roy Williams is being dangled like a carrot, which should come as no real surprise. Williams flipped his helmet and waived his arms in disgust at one point on the sidelines yesterday. Then again can you blame him?

Kyle Orton lit the Lions up. Yes, the same Kyle Orton who missed the memo that neck beards were long out of style. Now, you look ahead at the schedule and realize there are really only two winnable games on the Lions schedule. Circle December 7th at home against Minnesota (still might be a long shot). Then you've got Houston in a few weeks, but that's on the road and I really don't think the Texans are all that bad.

Seriously, look at the rest of the schedule - it ain't far fetched. It goes...
@MIN
@HOU
WASH
@CHI
JAC
@CAR
TAM
TEN
MIN
@IND
NO
@GB

The Lions flirted with 0-16 back in 2001 and that was Millen's first year on the job. How ironic that they're gonna flirt with that same disaster in the final chapter of the Millen era. Here's for another twist, the Lions ended the pursuit of imperfection with a win over the Minnesota Vikings in Week 14. Well, I guess you gotta hit rock bottom before you can climb back to the top.

Too bad the Lions are well past rock bottom. Deep Sigh.

Against All Odds Weekend

2008-10-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

It never should've come to this. The dream seemed to die before we even had a chance to enjoy the Playoffs. Yes, it would seem the funeral procession has already begun and the dream of ending the 100 year drought appears to be over. Well, let's stress the word "appears." Let's face it, nothing is over until it's really over - no matter how bleak.

And yes, the pain is easy to feel. It ain't easy being a Cubs fan and amidst my several phone conversations that usually started with "what the fuck" or "why is this happening" - I came to wonder like many a Sports fan - if it just wasn't meant to be? Then, I stopped making excuses, pondering the what ifs or asking why. Instead, I sat alone with an empty beer bottle and sobering reality. Yup, the reality that this beloved Cubs team will NEVER win the World Series.

Deep sigh and life goes on. Or does it? Well, the short answer is...it must. And that's when it dawned on me that now, more than ever...it's time to believe. Yes, if we can't believe now, when can we? This the most beloved and the best Cubs team most of us have ever known. Why abandon ship? There's never been a more likeable team that I've ever known.

It must be manifest destiny that the Cubs will overcome an 0-2 deficit. Has to be? Please give me a sign. Well, it's against all odds, but this weekend will turn the tides on destiny. I thought about burning my tickets for Game 3 in L.A in a fit of rage, but NO! I'm going on Saturday night to see watch Rich Harden stop the bleeding and then hopefully on Sunday Ted Lilly will be the Ted Lilly he was down the stretch.

That's right, wipe that fucking depressed look off your faces Cubs fans - it's still gonna happen. Against all odds, fuck it. And yes, we get it Dick Stockton - you're GOD DAMN RIGHT THIS IS AGONIZING!!! FUCK YOU!!!

And so, enough with the pep talk - let's dive into gambling. Before I dive into the weekend wagers - with the announcement that Phish is back, I figure let's toss out some odds on the Hampton shows.

-750 (Chalk Dust Opener)

3:1 Trey relapses.

Well, that's that.

Real quick before I wallow in misery. The NFL lines.

Tennessee (-2.5) over BALTIMORE
I love that defense and I love it even more against a rookie QB.

DENVER (-3.5) over Tampa Bay
It's Brian friggin' Griese. I don't believe in revenge games when Griese is involved. The only time I favor Griese when it comes to revenge is when it's against the dude that stole his Mohawk Vodka.

New England (-3) over SAN FRANCISCO
Risky Business.

PHILADELPHIA (-6) over Washington
Must win for the Iggles. Hangover for the Skins?

Phish Is Back - 'Twas the Night of the Announcement

2008-10-01T06:45:00.001-07:00

'Twas the night of the announcemement
And all though the land, not a Phish phan was sleeping, not even the band.

Not Page, nor Fishman, not Mike, nor Big Red
As visions of the Mothership danced in their heads

Fish in his moo moo and Trey with his 'Doc
There was too much anticpitaion of one more Weekapaug

On Suzie, on Reba, on Julius, on Hood
Maybe I'll finally hear If I Could

It's a different time and a different life stage
With no mail order tickets in the information age

While we've grown older and hold jobs, we still find it amusing
That this obsession won't die to see more live music

Well, thanks again Phish, you're the world's greatest band
I can't wait to see you in March with a ticket stub in my hand...

If Millen's Out, Who's Got Next?

2008-10-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

Clearly, we have a vested interest in who takes over as Detroit Lions CEO and President now that Matt Millen finally took a door to the backside. Not only are we recovering Lions fans since single digit ages, but we need some new material for this sputtering blog. Fortunately, some grade A, choice candidates are already polishing their resumes, so let's take a look at them. Some are real and some are less real, but it's up to you to determine that for yourself. Personally, we don't really care anymore.

1) Chris Osgood - The forerunner for the job so far has to be the savior of Detroit this year, Red Wings goaltender Chris Osgood. Jealous that teammate Chris Chelios owns four restaurants -including a nice stand in Ford Field - Osgood wants to pad his CV as well. While he still has a lot he wants to accomplish, he is willing to put his aspirations to be the Bowflex model aside, as President of the Lions is a top priority.

2) Wayne Fontes - Um hello, Wayne Fontes anybody? Who led the Lions to their only playoff victory since 1957. Who manned the headset during Barry Sanders' formative years. Who has more blogs named after him than any other Detroit Sports personality (I think there are 3, which as far as I know is the most)? Now, if we could only find him.

3) Kevin Colbert - Bob "Wojo" Wojnowski from the Detroit News put forth an interesting suggestion. Hire Kevin Colbert, the director of football operations from Pittsburgh and then have him bait Bill Cowher as the Head Coach. That sounds intriguing to me. I don't know how badly I want coverage of Bill Cowher's family in the booth every damn game, but at least he can put together a decent running game. He also has a very nice jaw structure.

4) Lloyd Carr - What, he always loved that pro style offense? No, ok let's move on.

5) Floyd Reese - Brian VanOchten from the Grand Rapids Press likes the odds of this former Titan's GM. He did win a Super Bowl in Tennessee is one of the few names being whispered with solid experience in front office leadership.

6) Scott Pioli - The Pats personnel brainchild seems to be getting called out in a lot of these lists and would oviously make a great choice if we could lure him with boatloads of money. Somehow given Millen's takeaway windfall, I don't know if the Lions will pony up.

7) Kirk Gibson - Maybe a tidbit inexperienced, but he was a Detroit sports legend, excellent in the clutch, and a very good football player. Plus, he has that loose cannon vibe that makes Ford Sr. feel cool.

8) Anyone with some scouting experience

Rumor Has It...They're BAAAAAAAAACK!!!

2008-09-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

Aside from an email that says "NSFW" or "RE:Fantasy"...nothing compares to getting an email that says "They're BACK!" And by they, I mean Phish. Yup, you've probably heard the internet buzz floating around that Phish will indeed be back in March of 2009. Well, I'll one up that rumor and predict the announcement will come in the middle of the night. Yup, Phish is BACK and consider me fucking ecstatic.

I know, I know - I'm much too old to get overly excited about these things. I should focus on furthering my career or laying stake in buying a home. However, it's the simple things that get me through the day. And the news or -- impending news -- that Phish will play three nights at the Hampton Coliseum on March 6th-9th in '09 - I'm downright geeked. Sorry...my apologie s, but in case you didn't notice Rupes and I have been pining for this moment for quite sometime.

Um, and so in honor today - I figured I'd just get lazy and toss around some of the better "youtubes" from Hampton's past. Ah yes, the fond memories of Hampton. In '99 a buddy and I skipped our final exams to catch the two night stand. In '03 the memories from the Holiday Inn. We've all got our own fond memories of Hampton, so please do share your stories in the comments section. Lastly, I couldn't find the "Halley's Comet" from '97, but I swear by this version...find it.

Dog Log '99

Contact '03

The First Re-Union Montage '02

Gettin' Jiggy Wit It - '98

Boogie On - '03

Hope, Prediction and Tears

2008-09-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, it’s nearly October which can mean only one thing; Baseball Playoffs. That sentence alone will probably be enough for many to click the pass through key to another link. However, if you’ve got a heart and soul, you’ll stick around for a one man's careless predictions and a rundown of just what it would mean for the Cubs to win the World Series. Gulp. Well, that attitude sure beats the “there is NO God mentality.”

For every Cubs fan this post-season is high, high anxiety. On the one hand, there is this belief that this team is filled with no flaws. This is arguably one of the best Cubs teams ever. They have it all from pitching, middle relief, big spot hitters, grinders, etc. Last season the Cubs were a team with flaws. The starting pitching wasn’t as reliable, nor was the bullpen, their hitters weren’t patient and they hardly ever manufactured runs. So, when last season exploded in everyone’s face in the post-season…the sting wasn’t too bad. Maybe.

Even if you think about the 2003 team, they too had several noticeable flaws like an unreliable bullpen, no real set-up man or middle relief and relying on the long ball as a main source to supply runs. 1998, same thing – the team just wasn’t that great. However, that’s what’s different this year – this team is in fact great. And that’s why not winning it this year will be more devastating than any other season of failure in the past.

Yes, more damning than Durham’s error in ’84 and even the Bartman game, which played shotgun to the bigger collapse of 2003. And that’s what makes Cubs fans so leery, so damn skeptical. We know just how capable and great this team really is and should continue to be. However, there’s that fear, that worrisome, that pessimism, that oh shit! – Zambrano hasn’t looked like Zambrano, Harden has lost velocity, what if they can’t hit, Manny scares the shit out of me – mentality.

For the Cubs winning, it seems right now like it would be more of a sense of relief. Yet, I ask why? Hasn’t this season been all about being “loose” and having fun? Why now change the mentality and let the pressure wear us down? More so than ever now is the time to relax and just enjoy this Cubs team and what should be a magical ride in the post-season.

And just what would this mean? Well, really do you expect me to comprehend what it would mean if the Cubs win the World Series? Honestly, there are a million or more stories yet to be told that can better explain what this would mean. Words would only diminish the significance. And tears would take over.

I went into this season knowing the Cubs had a decent team. I never imagined a team this likeable and this solid in every phase of the game. I opened this Baseball season with my own prediction that the Cleveland Indians in a twist of irony would end the Cubs dreams in the World Series. However, I now must obviously change that tune.

And that’s why I’m on the ledge and today I’m predicting that the Cubs…

OK, no predictions. Let’s just hope and enjoy, let the tears come later.

You Step To Anquan, You Steppin' To Death Row

2008-09-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post the video of the final minute lick that Jet's DB Eric Smith put on Anquan Boldin in the endzone. While it's silly to pick on Smith for playing hard until the whistle, this is disgusting. In fact, it's one of the most horrifying football plays I have ever witnessed. Fortunately, Boldin is reported to be OK, but he's lucky to be alive.

The fact that Reverend Warner was on hand and got both teams together to start praying really made the fans think Boldin's condition was dire. Thankfully, he was just knocked out cold and should be fine. His arms and legs still work and hopefully do do his fantasy stats. Believe it or not, I just traded for him on Saturday, so this hurts doubly. But mainly just because Boldin is the man and this is not football; this is violence. Enjoy your suspension and fine Mr. Smith and thanks your lucky stars you are not living with a world of guilt, because you got away with one.

Now We Can Die In Peace Too

2008-09-26T10:08:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, Stan shot me a text asking, "What's the deal with that 'Letter to Tom Brady' song we made last year? I keep getting emails from Youtube saying it's getting all these new comments."

To make a long story short, in the early days of GoWF, we made a spoofy video of Bill Simmons - who undoubtedly influenced our decision to join the proliferating ranks of sports blogs - singing a love letter to Tom Brady. It's pretty much the best song in the world. So much so, that Ray from Flyer's Fieldhouse described my baritone (by the way, I am the baritone and the alto, so screw you) as an autistic Barry White. And that's being generous.

Well, the Sports Guy mentioned it in the column today in his Patriots graf.

Anyway, we're pretty psyched about it. I'm trying to think of a way to put All Blogs Go To Heaven in context, but it's not happening. Anyway, thanks Bill. You're free to punch us in the stomach one day for that.

Here's a redux of the video if you've never seen it. It's actually horrible. Does anyone wanna join the band as the lead singer?

The Chris Cooper List

2008-09-26T00:52:00.000-07:00

Having perked up at the sight of the preview for Chris Cooper's new flick, Hurricane Mary, simply because Chris Cooper played a role, it dawned on me that I would see any movie where he makes an appearance. Chris Cooper is the man.

Hence, I'm deeming the list of actors who kick enough ass to warrant seeing anything they do, the Chris Cooper List (the ladies will get their own post, probablt named for Rachel Weisz). Anyway, here are mine, but it's tough to think of everyone, so share your's if you like...

In no particular order, here are the actors I would go see in any movies they make.

Don Cheadle - Smooth like soft serve. "Go ahead move with it if you need to, it helps me."

Check out his recent flick, "Talk to Me" for a stylish look at Cheadle in his element as a wise as DJ. "Hotel Rwanda" kicked ass too if you still haven't seen that on account of you being super lazy.

Johnny Depp - With the exception of musicals, Johnny Depp is as solid as they come. His apartment smells of rich Mahogany.

I'm sure he's fine in musicals too, but I truly hate musicals (not to be confused with Rock Operas).

Leonardo DiCaprio - Yeah yeah, say what you will about Titanic. I've been down with Leo since mutha fuckin' day one. The Basketball Diaries and Jm Carroll represent and I don't even mind Titanic that much anyway.

Chris Cooper - Obviously. Cooper's breakout was his redeck tour de force in Adaptation, but that American Beauty thing was decent as well.

Edward Norton - So many knockout roles, but the real breakout for me came in Rounders.

Freddie Highmore - I'm a big fan of kid actors who aren't terrible. My all-time favorite was River Phoenix, but since he's dead, Freddie Highmore is the new fave. Granted, he has done a few rocky movies lately, but I really dug Finding Neverland and followed him since. He also seems like a real down to Earth kid.

Seann William Scott - The Stiff man is hilarious and I think he should be in infinity movies. Why he fell off the map there momentarily is simply a product of dumb idiots thinking he was typecast. Them is dumb. SWS is one of the funniest guys out there.

Will Farrell - While he is hanging on to the last spot on this list by a fraying thread, Stepbrothers should provide a little reinforcement. I heard it's pretty awesome. By the way, you know what was not awesome? Tropic Thnder. Why did everyone tell me to see that movie. It was terrible with the exception of a few kinda funny parts.

Who is on your list?

Sony Is Better Than Mac

2008-09-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Just thought you should know... I finally got a new computer after months of swearing at this lousy blog and all things Internet. It's a Sony VAIO that was on sale at Best Buy. It's got some chill ass keys, a nice chassis, and most importantly, it doesn't feel like I'm dragging a pile of clay through a small mouse hole.

My wife has a Mac and it blows. You are all suckas to the marketing man. Macs are for wankers. I'll run a multi-variate regression on my fast-as-shit MS Excel program to prove it; so bring it on designers.

Have the Clouds Been Lifted from Detroit?

2008-09-24T09:02:00.000-07:00

It hasn't exactly been the most glorious of times in Detroit as of late. The economy is in the tank, jobless rates are increasing, the auto-industry is struggling, jobs are being outsourced, the mayor is embedded in controversy and oh yeah, the Lions stink once again. For a blue collar town like Detroit...sports is a safe haven.

This summer was supposed to be a summer of sheer dominance for the Tigers. However, despite having the second highest payroll in all of baseball they are now battling with the fucking Kansas City Royals for last place in the AL Central. Yes, last place. Yes, the Royals. Aside from that, Gary Sheffield has completely lost his mind and is now vowing revenge on anyone and everyone. Um, maybe that's just the steroids talking.

Factor in another disappointing end to the Pistons season and the Michigan Wolverines walking disaster of a football program and you can see the impending sports depression brewing in Detroit. Well, let's not sound like a bunch of ungrateful jack asses...the Red Wings did win the cup and they do open training camp this week. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And who could forget about the resurgence of Michigan State football? (Yes, the last part was a joke...maybe).

Moving on, you get my drift hopefully by now that all is not well on the Detroit sports scene. And a lot of that comes from expectations. However, a good chunk of that comes from hope and the hope that one day, just one day the Detroit Lions would turn the ship around. Say what you will about popularity in Sports towns. I know the common consensus is that Detroit is a Red Wings town. However, I beg the notion that if the Lions could ever even sniff success the city would turn on it's axis.

Well, today the Lions made the first step in the right direction by bidding farewell to Matt Millen. It took long enough and the nightmare lasted about 8 years too long. However, consider today one giant step forward and a glimpse of light on the horizon.

The notion of mocking Millen had gotten so worn, as to not even bother by last season. This season most of us were flat out numb to the mockery. What was left to do? You'd shrug your shoulders in an almost defeated stance. Well, ding-dong the witch is dead...or the beast is dead. I have no clue what this means for the Lions or where they go from here.

They're probably still looking at flirting with an 0-16 mark. However, one thing I do know is there is sweet relief in Detroit today. You always know it's gonna be one of those days when text messages and emails are bouncing in left and right. There's a buzz about Lions fans today and now it's time to move forward. Thank god it's finally over, thank god...it's finally over.

Just check out the Freep.com to discover all the blunders and the official Millen farewell tour...good stuff.

"Look Jimmy the storm's gone!"

Ring Up the Heisman?

2008-09-24T00:13:00.000-07:00

There are several reasons why Javon Ringer is and should continue to be considered in the early Heisman discussion. However, the sad reality is that Javon Ringer will undoubtedly be overlooked when the final vote comes around. Now, I'd be whining if I bitched and moaned about the east coast bias or the popularity contest the Heisman itself has become. Although, that stuff is fun to mention...right?

OK, right no bitching. Rather, today I figured it best to just give you the reasons why Ringer should win the Heisman. And why, if you or I had a vote or a voice of reason...we'd make sure he wins that friggin' award.

1. He's going to set records: Now, I'm hardly up-to-speed on my College statistics. Yet, I'm fairly certain he's going to set a record for carries in one game. I'm thinking he could easily land around the 60 carry mark in one game. Am I exaggerating...yes, but only for effect. Seriously though, he is on pace to rush for 33 TD's this season. And is that possible...probably not, but 25 is totally doable.

2. He is Michigan State: And I mean that, both figuratively and literally. This team has absolutely nothing else. Nothing. Sure, Mark Dell is promising, but Hoyer stinks. The defense is an ongoing disaster and really there is only option, Ringer. When he's not toting the rock on average of 36 times per game, he's also returning kick-offs. He does it all and he's the only one on the Spartans that is really capable of doing anything.

3. Appreciate the Blue Collar: The Heisman award has become all about finesse and popularity. Isn't it time we award a "work horse" who simply wills his way in everyone game. I mean don't we love an underdog? Ringer is a little guy with a huge heart that just keeps pounding the rock. He ain't afraid to get dirty and grind out a game. I mean after all, isn't that the Big 10 strategy - run two HB dives and then go play action? Well, Ringer is fine going HB dive-HB dive, HB-draw. It's just his nature.

Yeah, I know pretty lame reasons to vote for a guy with an outside chance after only four games. However, rest assured if Ringer stays healthy...he'll reach the masses. Unfortunately, he plays for Michigan State and that will most likely be the nail in his coffin. Well, at least all us Spartan fans can dream...for now.

Ten Possible Career Moves for Stan

2008-09-23T19:15:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought we would go all conventional and bang out "Ten Possible Career Moves for Matt Millen." Come on, give us some credit. Matt Millen is a bonafide celebrity and already has booth experience under his belt. Thus, he'll be fine if - God willing - the Detroit Lions finally end his tenure as President. The real concern is what will be Stan's bread and butter column if we lose Millen. I'm sure we can keep riding Millen's next moves, but just in case here are some new ideas to bang around. Any preferences?

1) Al Gore and the Powerpoint Presentation

2) Chad Johnson and the Extensive Media Coverage of Crappy Players

3) Bob Delaney and the Referee Mafia

4) Jon Kitna and the Fish

5) Mike Shanahan and the Secret Fantasy Team

6) David Silver and the West Beverly Lunchtime Playlist

7) Kim Bauer and the Predictable Kidnapping

8) Michigan State and the Ghetto Wide Receiver

9) The Athlete and the Blogger Who Doesn't Care if He Drinks Sometimes

10) Alan Mulally and the Intern (Matt Millen)

Is This The One Where Michigan Screws Someone?

2008-09-22T18:40:00.000-07:00

Ask a Wisconsin Badger fan how they feel going into this Saturday's game against Rich Rodriguez's Wolverines and you'll always get the same answer. "Well, we should win, but it's the Big Ten, so we'll probably blow it." It's the same exact answer a Michigan fan will give heading into a Michigan State or Minnesota game being heavily favored.

There is voodoo element to Big Ten football, where no matter how good a particular team may be in a given year; there are certain matchups where the bets are off. The Vegas lines mean nothing, because the minute the ball leaves that kickoff tee, the great equalizer that is tradition comes into play.

In particular, Wisconsin has hangups against the Wolverines, which is natural considering the 48-12-1 history of the matchup. Wisconsin to Michigan is like one of those high school teams that always wants to beat the best team in the conference and plays their whole season building up to that big game, yet the rivalry is one sided. Michigan worries about Michigan State and Ohio State; Wisconsin worries about Michigan. OK fine, now I'm just baiting.

Still, Michigan has genuinely improved each week on offense and the offensive line should get back two key linemen in tackle Mark Ortmann and guard Mark Huyge. If these two play, the offensive line will be better off than what we saw against Notre Dame.

The real key to the game for Michigan offensively is some semblance of a competent game manager at quarterback. Steven Threet looks pretty capable, but Nick Sheridan keeps making his way into the game. I do not understand this approach as clearly one of these guys needs to get as much experience as possible. I think a firm starter would do a lot for this offense.

To win this game, I'd expect Michigan to try to work a lot of quick passes like the play that sprung super frosh Sam McGuffie against Notre Dame. The Wisconsin defense is probably going to own the Michigan offensive line, so Rodriguez's spread sets and quick strikes are gonna come in handy.

Obviously, the defense is shaky for the Wolverines. Only a fool would expect Michigan's defensive line - who couldn't stop an average-at-best Notre Dame attack - is not stopping P.J. Hill. Hill will likely to average at least 5 yards per carry against Michigan's loose box even despite the back and leg bruise he suffered against Fresno State.

But keep in mind a couple intangibles: Michigan has a 22 game Big Ten home opener win streak and they are coming off a bye week. Wisconsin comes off a bye as well, but obviously the inexperienced Michigan team needed one most. Most importantly, both teams are 0-0 in the league and that's what matters. I'm calling for the upset.

Oh and by the way Michigan haters, win or lose for the Wolverines, enjoy this down season while it lasts, because we might already have our man at quarterback.

Meatloaf Is Perhaps Best Pitcher Ever

2008-09-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon an interesting story by Wall Street Journal writer, Beth DeCarbo, while trying to dig up a story from last week about the absurdities of those new stadium ticket seat licenses. We'll get to that in one second, but first, check out this piece about Meatloaf's impressive collection of sports knick-knacks, including a game soiled Cal Ripken Jr. jersey and a signed DiMaggio ball that says Meatloaf is one of the best pitchers he ever faced. Apparently, Meatloaf doesn't throw meatballs... cha-ching.

And finally, here is that must read story about the seat licenses. I'm sure you have heard a thing or two about these by now, but it's just outrageous. I used to believe StubHub provided a valuable service to both the buyer and seller of a ticket, but it is becoming clear that the service is provided to the seller of the tickets and more so, the greedy owners behind the scenes. Stubhub (now part of Ebay) basically validated this gouging in sports ticketing by providing the research via their auctions (aka, legalized scalping) to show the absolute top dollar fans will pay. And now of course, that's how much we will pay. We can now expect it to spread to all other sports and live entertainment. Good luck to the New York ~~Hedge Funds~~ ~~Lawyers~~ Jets.

Millen and the PR Team: "Matt's Mailbag"

2008-09-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

(Editors Note: So, here's the scoop and another day in the life and times of thee Matt Millen. It all started with Millen and his intern plotting ways to improve the Lions while eating Wendy's catch-up packets. However, after years of lacking the fundamentals of effective communications skills, Matt's publicist stepped in to beef up the PR campaign and for keep sake of Matt's name and status.)

That brings us to the present tense. And here stands a man many would see as defeated, but that's just not the case. In this innovative and fast paced world of blogs and instant sports news via the web, ole Matt felt he needed to reach out more to the fans. Shit, if Mark Cuban can run and maintain a highly trafficked blog, why can't Matt Millen...right? On the advice of his agent and PR team, Matt is opening up the fan mail and answering away in candid fashion. So, let's poke right into "Matt's Mailbag"...shall we?

Q: Just wanted to let you know you’re a jackass.

-Mike, San Francisco, CA.

MM: Jack-Fuck.

Q: Did you steal my Jesus fish?

-Jon, Detroit

MM: Yes, yes I did. Sell your soul to the Devil you Nazi looking fuck. It’s for the good of the team. God will judge you on your NFL Career and trust me; the way things are shaping up right now…you and I will be toasting each other in hell with a Pina Colada in hand.

Q: Quit.

-Voice of Reason, USA

MM: Balls. Lick.

Q: It’s always sunny in Philadelphia.

-Marty (ASSISTANT HEAD COACH), Philadelphia Eagles.

MM: I fucked your wife.

Q: Matt, I can’t tell you how great things are for me these days. I have less ulcers, sleep better at night, still rub elbows with Brett Favre and my famous NFL friends. Life couldn’t be better. Really, let’s bury the hatchet…I didn’t mean to slash your tires and threaten to stab you after you let me go. Let’s let bygones be bygones. You belong back on the other side, in front of the cameras. I can probably pull some strings and get you on as a PA for the NFL Network. Who knows after a few years of getting my coffee and fluffing my balls, maybe you can catch a break – ASS!

-Steve, Iron Mountain, MI.

MM: I fucked your wife, too.

Q: First Rudi Johnson, now I hear whispers of Shaun Alexander or maybe even Cedric Benson. What the hell are you doing, trying to recreate the most dynamic Fantasy backfield, circa 2006?

-Brandon F., Sunnyvale, CA

MM: Funny you should bring up this proposition. Well, for years as you may know I would lust over WR’s with checkered pasts, but buttloads of ability. Then it dawned on me this past off-season that the Lions just haven’t been the same since Barry Sanders left. So, if I can add a slew of great or once great RB’s…surely, I’ll eventually get it right.

Q: I plan on ripping your pathetic secondary a new asshole on Sunday. And oh yeah, Mike wanted me to let you know you’re an ASS.

-J.T, San Francisco, CA

MM: You fucking Bob Saget looking piece of shit. You are the worst QB to ever wear the Honolulu Blue and Silver. And that’s saying a lot…ever heard of Scott Mitchell?

Q: Who’s the fag now? I’ll whoop your ass if you want a piece.

-J. Morton, Torrance, CA

MM: You skinny pencil dick jack-fuck. I’m watching the “youtube” of you get knocked the fuck-out on repeat as we speak.

Q: Ass.

-Mike M., San Francisco, CA

MM: Prick.

Q: ATTENTION LION FANS!!! Fire Millen rally before the home game against Chicago on October 5^th. We are going to burn a life size Millen figurine made of cookie dough.

-City of Detroit, MI.

MM: I will find and I will fuck your afternoon up, you b-rate blogger.

Q: What is your long term plan?

-Lions Fans.

MM: I don’t fucking have one. Where have you been for the last 8 years?

Q: I’m available.

-C. Rogers, Saginaw, MI.

MM: Ping me your agents #. Let’s talk next week.

Q: Isn’t it fun be the butt end of everybody’s jokes? Or haven’t you realized they are all laughing at you, not with you?

-W. Fontes, Somewhere in Suburban Detroit.

MM: No thanks, I don’t need any of your cocaine sir.

The Fastest Video Game Guys in History

2008-09-17T19:41:00.000-07:00

Speed. It is the great equalizer. Be you small or large, black or white, rich or poor, football or futbol; if you’re fast (and a video game athlete), we love you. Thus, this one goes out to all those terrific speedsters throughout the years who led the league in seven categories, played both ways, and ran up scores on a daily basis: the fastest players in video game history.

Theoren Fleury, NHL ’94 - While I’m sure Steve Yzerman, Jeremy Roenick, and Don Sweeney would have something to say about this, Fleury was at times the smallest player in the league, yet he destroyed everybody. Nobody really knows why he had this amazing checking ability in the game, but he was bad as hell and in this not really humble opinion, the best player in the game.

Check out Theo scrapping in USSR versus Canada juniors in an absolute gang fight. Honestly, if you have never seen this, it is a must see.

Vince Coleman, RBI Baseball – The number six on the all time stolen base list is by far the number one on the video game list. Coleman was lethal for the two-player game, because you could taunt your opponent with unfair contests of pickle and hit homers off a bunt.

Skinny Guys, Nintendo Hockey – While they couldn’t fight worth a damn and their shot was the speed of a glass of wine spilling in a carpet commercial, the little guys could skate.

The QB in John Elway’s Quarterback – I forget if this came from a secret code or the Game Genie, but you could make these guys flat out fly. We’re talking about “when you use somebody else’s mouse who keeps it on ludicrous speed and then you try to highlight a few rows in Excel” fast. While John Elway’s football otherwise sucked, when you turned up the juice, this was one of the best video games of the early Nintendo days.

Michael Vick, Madden ‘07 – Check this out. There is a site called Madden Tips with a section called “How do you stop Michael Vick?” Good lord that conversation is intense. You mean you don’t just run Monster Blitz every down anymore? Anyway, Vick is damn near unstoppable as he is faster than Chinese delivery and throws lasers on the run.

Demarcus Beasley, FIFA ’08 - I confess, I used Google for this one, but the intentions were good. I wanted a nice diverse list for all sports fans to enjoy. I really did used to play FIFA all the time and it ruled, but all I really remember is Argentina was damn fast, but no particular players. So, instead you get Beasley. According to the video game forums, he is fast as hell as long as you don’t hit up the updates (then he’s injured).

Bo Jackson, Tecmo Bowl or Bill Walsh College Football’93 – From team obvious, we could not leave Bo Jackson off the list. Everybody knows about Bo’s Tecmo skills, but he’s underrated in Walsh.

Barry Sanders, Super Tecmo Bowl – Could we get a moment of silence for the career that got cut short? There should have been so much more, but at least we’ll always have Super Tecmo.

One last YouTube, because this guy has some nice moves.

So who else should be one here?

Author’s Note: Is it not a little weird how much time people spend videotaping themselves play video games?

Chuck Klosterman Book Reading, Quite Fun

2008-09-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a dirty habit of reading the AM New York on the subway in the morning (which is promptly followed by reading USA Today on the train), I noticed Chuck Klosterman was slotted to read at the Union Square Barnes & Noble this evening.

Generally speaking, book readings are sort of weird - the primary reason being because they often take place in a bookstore... with a podium. Ever hear of a bar? Nevertheless, I popped in at 7 pm prompt and despite being amongst what I would estimate at 150 people, I got a seat up front.

Chuck came out, made a crack about the decision to walk up the stairs or the ramp to the podium, rattled off a funny anecdote about iPhone's being equipped with crappy versions of every phone application known to man/woman, and peeled open the cover of his new book, "Downtown Owl." Unbeknownst to me, the book is actually Klosterman's first attempt at a full length work of fiction, which is great news. Not wanting to reveal too much about the characters or confuse the fact that it is really based on three primary characters, he chose to read one chapter about a peripheral character, a gym teacher whose vice is impregnating high school girls.

The writing felt much like his personal writing, but obviously sans the herba buena induced internal dialogue which is replaced with fictional character dialogue. The charm is the same and the reading piqued the interest level for sure. I did space out for a while wondering about when I read this book, how weird it will be to get to the chapter a) I already heard read aloud and b) if I will visualize the exact surroundings of Barnes & Noble (primarily the instructions on getting an autographed copy of the book that are neatly adhered to the back of every single seat).

But, the best part of seeing a book reading or the like is hearing the bonkers questions people come up with at the Q&A.

Of course, some dude asked about Buzz Bissinger, Will Leitch, the Internet, and all that. Klosterman basically said what we all know. Blogs suck because there are too many and most aren't very good. So it goes.

Another guy asked come January, "Who will be the Super Bowl champ and who will be president?" Chuck first responded confidently, "Obama will win, but it's gonna be really close" and then decided on the spot, "Philadelphia will be Super Bowl champs." Good choice, but nobody will be Super Bowl champs in January. The game is actually in February.

One person asked the most impossible question of all time. I actually got nervous thinking that I was at an interview. "If you could go back in time and ask one person a single question, who and what would it be?" The answer: "Jesus. How did you let this all happen?" or something to that effect. It was pretty hilarious. Then he went on a funny tangent describing a game he and his buddies play where they ask random questions and once asked, "If you could call your 15 year old self for 20 seconds, what would you say?" This led to a mockery of his friends who said "Buy Google stock." I suppose I would tell myself to go see the Dead before Jerry kicks the can. Actually, I'd say to buy Google.

Finally, I almost forgot, someone asked him "If you had to give up either sports or music for the rest of your life, which would it be." Shockingly, he said he would nix music citing that he enjoys just sitting there and watching and listening to sports more as well as the fact that he liked sports first by a margin of 8 years old to 11. I think that might be a bad call actually.

Anyway, I always really liked Chuck Klosterman, but I like him more now. He genuinely wanted to stand up there and keep answering questions even after the B&N host gave him the "2 more questions" cue on separate occasions and he genuinely thanked everyone for coming. It always seems like you know a writerto some extent or a musician when you connect with their work, but it's definitely cool when you can kinda confirm it, which is what this reading did today.