Michigan Hoops: Almost There or Another Lost Season?

What do you make of the term "most improved?" While it should probably be fairly honorable, it just calls attention to the fact that you used to suck really bad and while you still suck, it's now to a lesser degree. It reminds me of tee ball when everybody used to get awards and they had to make up shit ones for the really crappy kids.

In a nutshell, that's how I feel about Michigan Hoops this season. The Wolverines are a legitimate threat to win every time out and in my estimation and have to be considered the most improved team in the NCAA. Still, it's still pretty tough to stomach another collapse in which, by most accounts, they will not make the NCAA Tournament yet again.

Don't get me wrong, this season has shown marked improvement and most importantly cemented John Beilein's job for the foreseeable future. Hell, it's even caused the "o" word to be bantered about with regard to the future: optimism.

On the other hand, god damn it you idiot mother bleep bleep bleep stupid bleep bleep. How could you blow it again? I can't believe we're going back to the bleep bleep NIT tournament again you bleep bleep piece of bleep.

Catch my drift? It's tough to be a Michigan fan these days. With four games to go and a 500% record in the Big Ten, they just blew a four point lead in the final one minute on Sunday against Iowa (at home) and went on to lose by ten points in overtime. For some reason, Beilein benched Manny Harris during all of this. Interesting strategy to say the least coach, but I'm still with ya. Harris didn't have it on Sunday, so I'd say that is the kind of call a good coach makes. You just hope the outcome backs the guts, which in this case backfired collosally.

So where are we now? The Wolverines face the steaming hot #16 Boilermakers on Thursday, followed by road games at Wisconsin (also steaming) and Minnesota. Perhaps a three game win streak and a decent Big Ten tournament gets the Wolverines back in tournament contention, but the odds are pretty bleak given the 8th place Big Ten standing and poor showing down the stretch as of late.

So, when we look back on this season, there is a fair chance that it will be with disappointment, yet coming off a 10-22 season without even an invite to the bunk dance (NIT) last season, the pieces are coming together and the reign of terror might finally be over. We beat Duke, beat UCLA, played UConn to the wire, gave MSU a good run, and competed in the Big Ten, so if nothing else, the season pointed this program back in the right direction with some momentum to keep moving. So tournament or not; not all is lost.

When Will We See Incentive Contracts in Sports?

How many times have we heard in the past 5 years that “sports is a business?” I’m guessing it’s perhaps somewhere in the thousands, right?

Who do you think sells more aluminum siding, the door-to-door salesman who gets paid a steady salary or the one who gets paid on commission? Pretty obvious right, the one who gets paid on commission will be banging down doors and annoying the neighbors at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning.

So where is this going? I’ve been meaning to conjure up something about incentive based compensation in pro sports for a couple weeks, but the timing is now particularly relevant given NFL free agency signing bonanza is underway and we already have our first big fluffy contract in Nnamdi Asomugha's NFL leading windfall, complete with a ridiculous $28.5 million in guaranteed moolah. Well, I am a HUGE proponent of incentive based compensation in sports and truly hope it becomes the norm in contract negotiations.

As I alluded to, “sports is a business” is the ubiquitous excuse for every overtly aggressive deal, the stockpiling of talent for ambitious one-year turnarounds, and the demise of athletes spending their careers with one team and one city.

If sports is truly a business, the front office “business men” and sports agents would be wise to adopt the incentive based compensation structure that has swept the business world in the past 10 years or so. Incentive based compensation programs are logical in that they align the interests of the organization with that of its key personnel – or more simply stated, when things go well, everyone gets paid.

In business, executives typically receive incentives in the form of equity ownership, revenue sharing, stock options, and performance based bonuses, which are normally combined with a relatively lower base salary. We do see incentive based compensation pop up from time to time, but its still generally very flawed. For instance, Brian Cashman and the Bloodhounds tried to head in this direction with Joe Torre before he departed for Los Angeles. They were close, but not quite there, so let's highlight some of the oversights that occur in the rare instance incentive based compensation rears its head in contracts.

1) The timeframe – Consider a money manager and their compensation structure. Would you prefer that they receive their bonus based on 1-year performance or 5-year performance? The answer is the 5-year performance, because the shorter time horizon encourages irrational risk taking. Consider the investment manager (or front office executive) who needs to boost their performance in a single year. If the first half of the year achieves poor returns, the natural behavior would be to take concentrated, extremely risky bets in hopes of turning it around in a hurry (i.e., Brett Favre). On the other hand, a manager with the longer time horizon can make sound decisions that are expected to pay off in the longer term and build sound portfolios without worrying about the exact timing that the benefits will be realized. In sports, this is the difference between cohesive units, nurturing young talent, and drafting for the future, versus making expensive high-risk bets year in and year out. This strategy will likely lead to a lack of a close knit chemistry, but rather a group of rotating transients who hardly get to know one another.

2) The second glitch in the plan is another obvious one, but generally overlooked entirely. Coaches and front office executives regularly see incentives in their contracts, but players generally do not. You can’t offer a coach or manager incentive compensation without giving it to the players. Pro athletes’ contracts have become the antithesis of motivation. Think about the number of times you have read about XYZ fat piece of shit who is still collecting millions from a team they no longer play for. If you read Bill Simmons even occasionally, you definitely know a boatload of these guys. Simmons is the king of calling out contractual disasters – particularly in the NBA. I think this is a function of the agents being just far savvier in contract negotiations, because they have made this a norm. These guys are smart and I can’t blame them, but there is a good alternative in incentive based compensation that can easily yield the same payouts, but make for more clearly aligned interests between teams and their players.

To go back to the investment manager analogy, why pay the portfolio manager based on performance if the guys/girls doing the research are paid cushy salaries regardless of if their recommendations are any good. The boss can work his ass off, but if his team is feeding him terrible ideas and slacking, there is nowhere to go but down. As business clichés go, it’s garbage in, garbage out. The interests of the whole organization need to be aligned in terms of the compensation.

3) The metrics – Generally when you see incentive based contracts (again, generally at the coaching level, not the player), they involve a provision based on some level of success in the playoffs. Again, in the proposed Torre contract, they offered incentives based on getting past the first round of the playoffs. That is moronic. Do you really think that is motivation for the whole season? It’s so stupid and arbitrary to try to motivate someone for one week of the season. Sure you have to get to the playoffs, but there is a lot of work to do in the regular season, such as improving specific areas where the team shows weakness. The incentives should be based on things you can actually improve like the team ERA. There are a million metrics that could be used here that would actually matter from game to game, but making it about one week at the very end of the season is just silly.

4) Finally, this one is a little more of a reach, because it never happens in sports, but I think it is important. Teams should consider implementing a succession plan. Teams are forgetting about legacy and focusing on single seasons, which is new to nobody, but the plans should be in placewhen it comes time to turn over the reigns to the next generation.

So, the intent here is to show that the wave of the future in sports should be incentive based compensation. It works. Period. People like to make money, so put their priorities in line with those of the team. I may be overoptimistic, and as usual, overexcited, but I really think this is the way to shift sports back to a more team focus versus the individual negotiation focus of today, while still appealing to the bank accounts of both coaches and athletes in the meantime. If sports really is a business, it wouldn’t hurt to at least run it like a good one.

Today is his Birthday: Crystal Lake Countdown.

(Editors Note: Repeat Alert...mailing it in!)

I never forget this day, I simply never do.

It all started in Up-State, NY in the late 70’s. That is, the legend of Camp Crystal Lake and Jason Voorhees. Come on, go ahead and admit that you have seen at least one of these “classic” (and I don’t use that term loosely) films. How could anyone have possibly not seen at least ONE of these films?

The famous quote “Today is his Birthday” by Betsy Palmer (Jason’s mother) is what spurned the series and fed the legend of Jason Voorhees. And to be honest when it comes to Jason I just can’t seem to help myself, he’s just that good...a fucking legend to say the LEAST.

The man has surpassed every generational test for a serial killer. Has anyone ever sustained a longer revenge tour? You try to chop his head off, club him with a machete, file an axe to the side of his noggin, set him on fire, cryogenic-ally freeze him, send him to space, or bring in Freddy, but NONE of it works.

The guy is patient, persistent and most of all unflappable. He thrives under pressure and continuously defies the odds. Sound a little like Michael Jordan, huh? Maybe just maybe we should start labeling Voorhees as the MJ of serial killers? The only thing lacking is the charisma, but the “will” and “determination” are both there.

Oh well, but I digress.

You should know by now that today is Friday the 13th and the EPIC re-make and release hits the big screen today. I'll pause before I give my take on the new film for now. However, don't forget to scan the channels for some "original" Jason marathon's tonight. Thankfully, I own the entire collection on DVD and just maybe, I’ll have my own marathon.

You see, a lot of people tend to think that Jason is just some fucking freak wearing a hockey mask that picked up a butcher knife and started killing people. Wrong and Wrong. Jason was a “special” boy…who was simply defending his family honor.

There is a moral here…teenage counselors having sex is no way to run a Camp. None of this shit would’ve ever happened if those fucking counselors didn’t let him drown so they could sneak in a quickie in the woods. That set his mother off to get her revenge and then it just progressed from there after she got her head chopped off.

Regardless, it did happen and we may have never been blessed with the legend of Jason, had it not. And so, on this of all special days I'm going to give you an “Elite Eight” honor roll of the timeless classic horror story. Yes, eight handpicked favorite moments of mine throughout the entire series. Without having to wet your appetite any further here goes my best shot and in ascending order…

#8 – Tina brings Jason back to life with Psychic Powers (Part VII)

So maybe the writers had lost a little creative edge and were at a loss for how they could bring Jason back this time. We can only imagine that some poor writer blurted out the following…

“Let’s just have some girl who has Psychic Powers attempt to bring her father (whom she killed with the same Psychic Powers nearly 15 years to the day) back to life. However, by some freakish mistake she accidentally brings Jason back to life, as his corpse is still rotting just off the dock in 10-12 feet deep water, with a boulder secured to his ankle form Part VI.”

Coincidentally enough, that man/woman is probably not working in Hollywood anymore. Yet, I have to say the first time I saw ‘Part VII: The New Blood’ I was a believer. What seemed brilliant back then only pales as moronic today.

#7 - Rick has his eyeballs pop-out of his head in 3-D (Part III)

I’ve often longed for a pair of original flimsy 3-D glasses, so that I could capture this scene in HD/3-D style.

Let's re-hash; Rick stepped out of the Cabin to check on things, not expecting to lose sight as to what was going on (bad pun). Anyhow, moments later he was dangling on the side of the house just out of Krissy’s view and then BAM…

His eyeballs came protruding out of his head and probably created quite a special 3-D effect. This was a highly underrated take down for Jason. Rick was strong, had the characteristics of a hero and seemed clever enough to live.

#6 – Crispin Glover (Jimbo) gets corkscrewed in the Kitchen (Part IV)

I couldn’t leave out Jimbo (Crispin Glover) overcoming his “dead fuck” status and celebrating banging one of the hot twins with a glass of wine. Problem is he waltzed into the same kitchen where Jason happened to be. He also broke the cardinal rule of having sex anywhere remotely near Jason Voorhees.

So, Jason drilled a corkscrew into his hand and polished off his Picasso with a meat clever to the face. Diversity, diversity, diversity…Voorhees thrived on killing with style. No knock on Michael Myers, but he was never flashy as a serial killer, for Jason it was a craft.

#5 – Goodbye Bacon and thanks for not flashing us (Part I)

This makes the cut simply for the fact that it pertains to Kevin Bacon. Anytime you can see him eliminated from a film before he has the chance to give a full flaccid frontal shot, it's worth the nod. Technically, this murder was anything, but original. We are talking about an arrow from underneath the bed through the sternum.

Nothing flashy, but then again it wasn’t Jason that killed Bacon, it was his mom.

#4 – Alice chops off the head of Pamela Voorhees on the Beach (Part I)

As already mentioned, this was one of the most defingin moments in the entire series. After going virtually unnoticed the entire film, Mrs. Voorhees surfaces to explain the reason behind her revenge on Camp Crystal Lake. For the novice, this film and this moment really will help to explain quite a bit for you.

The significance of the scene is that the actual beheading took place just ashore from where Jason’s body lay eternally in the depths of the Lake. This is where it all began. Call it nocturnal vision, intuition or what you may, but Jason saw the whole thing transpire and awoke from his slumber to continue the Voorhees family revenge tour.

#3 – Mark takes a machete to the face and then a ride down the stairs (Part II)

While the rest of the counselors were preparing for their evening acts of coitus, Mark was roaming around in his wheelchair pouting that he was probably not going to get any pussy. He wheeled off into the night and sat out on the patio to watch the rain. Why did it always seem to rain during these movies...did Jason...make it rain?

Yet, upon suspicion he chose to follow his ear and track down the location of a peculiar noise. Always a vital mistake, characteristic of most victims, was to instinctively act on suspicion. Needless, Jason lured Mark in and plucked a machete directly to the face and sent Mark on his way down three flights of stairs.

#2 – Cort and Nikki bang in a RV, which pisses Jason off big-time (Part VI)

Classic 80’s stereotypes were evidenced in this trademark (have sex, you die) scene. As should be noted, Jason was never a big fan of sex on or anywhere near the hallowed grounds of Crystal Lake Township. He could smell the sex in the air a mile away and it served as motivation to kill.

In this particular scene Cort, a dead ringer for vintage A.C Slater was banging the typical 80’s heavy metal groupie, Nikki. The power suddenly goes out in theie RV and Cort is forced to go outside and fix the problem. He gets the power back up and running, jumps into the driver's seat and cranks the music, as the RV pulls away. Little did both know that Jason snuck in the RV somehow when Cort was fixing the power (baffling, but the man was good).

Nikki ends up having her face go through the bathroom mirror at the hands of Voorhees. Cort is oblivious the whole time, because the music is so loud (so typical). Jason strangles Cort from behind as he is driving; the RV crashes and explodes. NO surprise, Jason emerges from the flames.

You can’t STOP this guy. This double murder scene was the equivalent of a walk-off homerun in a baseball playoff game (improbable, emotional and explosive).

#1 – Julius gets into a boxing match-up with Jason and loses his head (Manhattan)

I can’t write about this scene enough without chuckling. In total I’ve watched the scene a total of 200 times and rewound it at least 200 more…if that makes sense. This was Jason’s last real stand, before they made a mockery of him.

Why not make a little humor out of murder? I mean were people ever really going to take a film called Jason Takes Manhattan seriously? Of course not, so just to add a little comedy towards the climax, Jason and our buddy Julius got into a boxing match atop an abandoned building, nowhere near downtown New York.

Julius opened with the upper hand. He threw a series of jabs that seemed to momentarily rattle Voorhees. Yet all it took was Jason landing one punch to the face, and Julius was instantly decapitated. Adding insult to injury, Julius’s head rolled down the side of the building and landed off the back of a dumpster before falling in completely. This prompted the dumpster to slam shut. It feels good to say “And-1” every time I watch this scene.

Proof positive this is a great scene; you can even enjoy it on repeat without the aid of Marijuana. That’s always a good litmus test on humor, whether you need Pot or not to laugh.

And so with all that and thanks for the ears and eyes if you made it this far. Don’t forget tonight; catching an old Friday the 13th is like finding a vintage Michael Jordan game on ESPN classic. It never gets old and kindles the memories of greatness.

A Happy Friday the 13th to all!!!

The Pistons Are Crumbling Before Our Eyes

Remember looking forward to late spring/early summer and watching the Pistons and/or Red Wings embark on a drive for another title? Ah yes, the summertime in Detroit, even gives Kid Rock goose bumps. Well, bad news folks (aside from the Wings) it just ain't gonna happen for the Pistons. The funeral recession is in motion and unless you're in complete denial - you should realize this "Bad Boys Part II" era is O-V-E-R.

Then again, the writing has been on the wall for quite sometime. Before we are ready to crucify Joe Dumars for the Allen Iverson/Chauncey Billups trade, let's collect ourselves. I've said it over and over, the Pistons weren't gonna win the NBA title with Billups and they knew that. As excited as some got for Iverson, I knew they had no shot of winning it with Iverson.

The trade in essence has been the final push on a crumbling deck of cards. The veterans are tired of the same old, same old - they want to do it their way. Meanwhile, the youngsters have had enough of this "we've been here and know what to do" shit. That routine is played out. Yes, I'm talking about you 'Sheed, Rip and Prince.

On the flip side, you've got Allen Iverson thinking to himself "gee, what the hell did I get myself into?" No, Iverson hasn't exactly meshed well or been the "answer" the Pistons were looking for. However, anyone who fails to realize this was the first domino in Joe Dumars rebuilding process...you're blind. The Pistons are in full blow it up, rebuild it mode. There are no sacred cows left (sans Rodney Stuckey).

Does it hurt to see Billups yacking it up with Carmelo in Denver...absolutely. Is it a slap in the face when Billups goes onto PTI and says the Pistons would've won multiple championships had they drafted Carmelo instead of Darko? You betcha ass it does. However, that's the nature of this business. We can properly remove the genius tag from Joe D's throne now.

However, that's not to say Dumars is an idiot. For every bad draft pick or trade...he's had one equal as impressive and/or he's taken care of his mistakes. He's got a hole to dig out of right now, but you have to think he knew this was coming. Championship teams only have a certain lifespan and window for greatness. Just look at teams like the Suns and Mavs who are slowly watching their window close.

If anything, we should be grateful the Pistons were able to keep the momentum going for so long. It remains to be seen what Dumars does with this squad from here on out this season. Trading Rasheed seems logical, but are they going to get anything in return to make them immediately better? I say...nope. And trading Iverson would admit failure, plus it would be going against the whole point of trading Chauncey and that was to clear cap space.

So, my best guess is the Pistons stand pat this year. It won't be pretty to watch as they split open and melt down the stretch to a first round exit in the Playoffs. However, that's just the price of trying to hold onto greatness for a tad too long with hope. Let's be thankful for what they gave us over the years instead of crying about what's become of this team.

It's rebuild and re-load and time to usher in a new era of Pistons basketball. It might not be the same, but then again is it ever?

Rivalry Week: Take the Highway to the Great Divide

Ah yes, most of the attention in College Hoops this week will rest in a certain famous 10 mile radius they call Tobacco Road. However, if you're talking I-96 to US-23 South in about an hour of your time (traffic and weather pending of course) then you're talking Michigan vs. Michigan State. Don't worry I can hear your virtual laughter, I'm good like that.

And yes, for the first time in a long, long time this game actually means something. Well, it's sure as hell getting damn near close to being a rivalry once again. Much as the Wolverines have laughed off the Spartans in football (in years past) it always makes for more intrigue when there is at least the slightest threat that the dominant power can be dethroned. Up until this year for the better part of the past 10 years it's been Michigan dominating football and then State dominating in Hoops.

Look, it's just not a rivalry when one team is winning 49-3 in football and the other is closing out Senior Day with a 30 point drubbing. Admit it, if you root for either side - it's more compelling when the two sides are reasonably competitive. Look, I'm not saying that Michigan has caught the Spartans in Hoops. No, they've got quite a ways to go. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say the Wolverines and the fucking lame ass "Maize Rage" crowd has a chance to pull off the upset.

We all know the fate of the Michigan basketball program was arguably sealed when Steve Fisher let the boosters fill the Fab Fives Nike sneakers with wads of cash. However, the real turning point came when Maurice Taylor got in that accident with a recruit named Mateen Cleaves in the back seat. Cleaves chose State and the rest is history.

Since that point the programs have gone in reverse. Michigan State has won a Championship, created the goofy and yes lame in it's own right "Izzone" and made a habit of being a Final Four caliber team - year in and year out. I think Michigan has been back to the Tournament, but once or twice on the weight (pardon the pun) of Tractor Traylor's shoulders. You get my drift...we're kinda talking about Mateen Cleaves and a curse in the same light as they used to talk about the Red Sox and Babe Ruth. Who knew?

Well, sometimes it does take just that one "key" player to change the direction of a program and get the ball rolling again. Mateen was that player for MSU and the reality is Michigan might have the program changing kid in uniform tomorrow night. His name is Manny Harris. Yes, he's a bit emotional at times, but watching from the other side (as a Spartan fan) - it's hard not to realize that he's fully capable of swinging the direction of U of M Hoops.

Oddly enough, I'm ready for it. I look forward to a renewed heated rivalry between the schools. It's just not the same when one "owns" the other. Michigan is getting close, the gap is getting narrow. Tomorrow night the Spartans will trot out a highly favored squad with Final Four aspirations. A few years back, you could laugh it off and chalk up a victory for Sparty. However, that's not gonna be the case tomorrow night.

Michigan has already beaten Duke, UCLA and hung with Connecticut. The Tournament may have to wait another year, but a win over Michigan State might re-open their name in "bubble" discussion. And that's Michigan...bobbing on the service. Are they ready to make this a rivalry again? We shall soon find out.

How to Survive Fantasy Baseball When You Don't Give a F#ck

I know there has to be legions of folks out there that share Stan's and my pain when it comes to fantasy sports. Fantasy Football is life. We talk about it constantly and try to make it relevant year round. Does it really matter how playoff performances will impact next season's draft or how the combine ups rookies chances of getting first year playing time? Not really, but it doesn't mean it's not worth droning on about it. We love it.

Unfortunately, we split views on the rest of the fantasy sports. Stan doesn't bother to trudge through half-assed efforts in fantasy hoops and baseball. I on the other hand tend to waver back and forth. Typically, it seems much better to play something than nothing at all. The big problem is, it just isn't that fun. The daily games are super annoying, because you constantly have to fill the roster with whatever burlap bags of heavy sand you carry on your bloated roster. In fantasy football, you get to ponder over matchups all week to tweak it for the perfect balance of your best guys. Basketball and baseball involve braindead clicking all the fucking time and it's so unbearably monotonous. Sure, you can make a big trade here and there and pick up a semi-fun gamble like a Devin Harris as the Nets' fill-in for Jason Kidd at the point, but it doesn't change the fact tht you're starting dead weight on a nightly basis.

Anyway, what is the longwinded point of all this? Well, it's time to gear up for fantasy baseball and we can only assume some of you out there can't decide if you want to invest in 5 months of tedious roster filling and laying in the lowly 10-12th place puddle like a bum drunk on Prestone. So, we have a couple of suggestions of ways to make your season somewhat more interesting, particularly if you don't really know shit about playing fantasy baseball. There's the obvious, but always fun strategies like the regional approach (i.e., all Asians), the all-whites, the jaded pasts, and so on, but here's a couple new ones. Keep in mind, it won't be easy to draft all these guys, so you might need to muscle your into these teams. Here we go...

The Van Halens

What you give up in creativity here, you make up in leather pants and sick finger tapping guitar solos. Plus, this one gives you a strong theme and a good team. The rules are simple; you can use any instance of the names David Lee Roth, Eddie or Alex Van Halen, Mark Stone, or Michael Anthony. It's that easy. You're looking at a contender here.

Potential Quality Players: Alex Rodiriguez, David Wright, Derek Lee, Alex Rios, David Ortiz, Carlos Lee and so on. It's not hard to pull a contender out of this strategy. If you're are overwhelmed by the legions of marginal MLB talent, this is not all that bad of a strategy to weed out the universe a bit.

You can actually employ this approach to a countless number of your favorite themes. Let's try one more.

The Island Made Me Do It

You had to see this one coming. This is the exact same idea, but involves the characters from Lost. Unfortunately, there aren't many guys in the league named Sayid, but you can still come out just fine here.

This is a little less interesting, but there's a shitload of characters in Lost, so you'll be just fine. Unfortunately, you're forgoing most of the chicks here as Kate and Claire aren't gonna do much for you in fantasy seamball. Nevertheless, here's some of your options.

Potential Quality Players: Jose Reyes (Hurley Reyes), Michael Young (Michael), Ben Sheets (Ben), Aaron Harang (Claire's stupid baby), and John Lackey (Locke)

The Lovely Ladies

This gives you a little creativity bonus for the throwback reference to Baseball Stars and you have some decent options to field a good team. With this one you are forced to stick with names that can be used for women. You can do quite well here.

Potential Quality Players: Corey Hart, Torii Hunter, Prince Fielder (Prince is ambiguous and also a symbol), Hunter Pence, Adrian Gonzalez, Chris Young, Hanley Ramirez

The Little Leaguers

This one is more dumberer, but also fun. You are restricted to soley utilizing players who still retain their 8 year-old names. I always find it somewhat endearing when people never give up on the "y" or the "ie" version of their names, but some people find it appalling. Either way, this is another moderately entertaining option and another potential winner.

Potential Quality Players: Chipper Jones, Manny Ramirez, J.J. Putz, Rickie Weeks, Kenji Johjima, Billy Wagner, and Chone Figgins. OK, so Chone Figgins doesn't really belong, but it's a marvelous name, so it had to go somewhere.

So, there you have it. Thesse methods provide you with a little entertainment value and more importantly, they provide an excuse as to why you suck so bad.

Super Bowl Hangover

Yay folks, this is our two year anniversary. This was the first post I ever wrote for GoWF. It's not very good and I actually didn't even drink a single beer yesterday. We've come a long way!

I hope you find joy in knowing that I will be fighting off vomit all day today. Already this morning, I nearly went into the bathroom on the Metro North train to throw up, which as you may or may not know, is arguably the most disgusting environment on the planet. Now I am faced with a lousy team meeting in 35 minutes in which various people will discuss action items for the week. Meanwhile, I will concentrate on not breathing through my mouth, so nobody will smell the gross scent of a random mixture of flavors, most notably stale beer, chicken wings, prosciutto, Chinese dumplings, and cheese. If you can’t already tell, I am really angry right now.

This happens every year and I’m so fed up. Sure, I could learn my lesson, but I rather not and it’s time to put a stop to the pure stupidity of this my greatest grievance. Why does the blasted Super Bowl have to be on a Sunday?

If you can tell me one single good reason why this is a good idea, then I will give up on my annual tirade, but I have thought this through in depth and there is not even one. Let’s think about it. Perhaps you are worried about the ratings? Dumb. It’s Super Bowl. Do you really think if you put it on Saturday night, people would actually decide not to watch it? On the contrary, this would likely increase viewing as religious weirdos across the globe could tune in, who might otherwise be doing some weird religious crap on Sundays.

Or maybe it’s that Super Bowl Sunday is a time honored tradition? Dumb again. You A-holes do not have any problem ripping down historic stadiums to replace them with random monstrosities that look like bike helmets. Or my personal favorite, you put futuristic robots all over the TV (who do nothing but loosen up the whole game) during the games.

I’m guessing the reason behind the Sunday Super Bowl is a thoughtless result of regular season games being played on Sunday. Granted, it seems logical that if regular season games are played on Sunday, why shouldn’t the Super Bowl? Let me explain why. It is a wholly unselfish cause I assure you. The world economy suffers a tremendous shock, as its entire workforce is utterly dysfunctional as they suffer through the day in sheer agony. The result over the Sunday Super Bowl is amazing when you think about it. There are literally hundreds of millions of people all over the world pretending to work right now. Every single one of them is staring at a computer screen just wishing the lights were lower and typing emails to other hungover friends.

Maybe you are worried about interfering with the important Saturday night programming? I guess the thought of interrupting the most annoying ass clown on TV, Jimmy Fallon, on Saturday Night Live would be a devastating blow. I actually just brought this point up simply because I hate Jimmy Fallon and wanted to ridicule him. Ever since I watched Fever Pitch, I cringe at the sight of him and I hate how he does that cutesy voice where he acts nervous and runs his words together. Holy crap that movie sucked. Saturday Night Live is suffering from a blatant lack of drug abuse. Anyway, I’ll get back to the point. TV on Saturday night is bad; TV on Sunday night is good. Therefore, that’s another piece of ammunition in my fight against Sunday.

I think I made my point loud and clear and it should be obvious that there is no good reason for the Super Bowl to be on Sunday. Good, I’m glad we got that sorted out. By the way, now it is Tuesday and I am really depressed, because I am realizing now that the sports abyss that is late winter is upon us.