Maintaining the Order of the League

Proud minions of our sacred army,

We have arrived at the crossroads and it is now time to choose the path of thy noble and true of heart. Despite the temptation to stray from the decree set forth by that our holiest of institutions, we must lead our followers away from the demons and to the promised land. No man shall rise above this holy institution in favor of personal glory and it is our given order to maintain the peaceful coexistence of our solemn village.

Folks, we have reached the hot zone in the fantasy football season and it is our collective responsibilities as commissioners to lead our leagues through this tumultuous time.This is when the shit starts to get hairy.

Around week 12 every season, there's always one or two players who realize they are as good as done. These are the guys who forgot to set the roster on a regular basis and probably still have Deuce McAllister in the starting lineup. As commissioner, you have got to watch the league like a hawk and rule it with an iron hand. Why? These guys will cheat. It's not necessarily them who are the problem though, but rather it's the guys who still have an outside shot. These guys will try to come up with elaborate schemes to form an alliance to come up with one good team to make a playoff run.

I'm not naming any names, but a certain brother of mine just recently attempted to buy an entire team and then make a mass five player for five player trade which looked like something to the effect of Clinton Portis, Chris Cooley, Terrell Owens, and Marion Barber, for guys like Pierre Thomas, Kevin Walter, and Jamal Lewis. Needless to say, this caused a massive uproar by several members of the league, particularly from the team who is slated to play these guys this week.

Well, the league overthrew the trade via the veto power, but the issue still exists. It's really the next 2 weeks that make up this hot zone, because typically in late November, whether or not the trade deadline hits, these guys have plenty of tricks up their sleeves and the power to wreak havoc. Sure, the veto power is great all, but having curbed the attempted alliance, these fantasy defects will stop at nothing to wither develop a competitor or worse, cause mayhem for the strong teams. Here are some of the key stunts you may need to thwart - look out.

• Putting in Swiss cheese or empty lineups when playing against a team who, by winning, will disrupt the standings for the current leaders. For example, say there is a team tied for fifth and these bottom dwellers want them to win to screw someone else at the top.
• Dropping their players to show you that "they quit" and again screwing everyone over when someone will inevitably pick them up. This move tends to end in a scandal, because someone is usually tipped off when the player gets dropped (Stan, looking in your direction here).
• Sketchy trades (assuming you were too dumb to implement a trade deadline). "What, I needed a defense and Steve Smith hasn't been playing well."
  

Commissioners, it is your job to maintain the order. Most leagues, Yahoo! especially, have all the tools in your toolkit to prevent this from ruining an otherwise good league. You can set the veto function for trades, freeze rosters if guys are throwing games, set a trade deadline so as the playoffs near, questionable trades are a non-issue, and even make it so the teams who quit are no longer considered wins or losses. So be strong and hold your ground. This is fantasy football, not some laughing matter. Last guy who tried a stunt like this in our money league left looking like this.

Wolverines, Schniggity Schnine

For the first time in 11 years, the Michigan Wolverines ousted a top ten opponent, de-throning west coast pseudo-rival, UCLA, at Madison Square Garden last night.

And more importantly, the Wolverines are unbeaten and giving Michigan fans a little heart starter that for once does not involve beer in the morning or an injection through the rib cage. At 3-0 and with a top 5 victory, the Wolverines, dare I say it, are gonna be ranked.

I'm kicking myself today, because I noticed last week when I attended the mother of all concerts, AC/DC - who I kid you not, has not lost even a semblance of a step and is worth $300 to see - that Michigan was coming to town this week. While I figured this year's team would see notable improvement in John Beilein's second year, the expectations are now soaring.

After all, Manny Harris looks like a bonafide superstar, averaging 23.7 points, 4.7 assists, and 7.3 rebounds per contest and DeShawn Sims is maturing into the real deal as well with 15.7 points and eight boards per game of his own.

Clearly, with a potentially disastrous Ohio State football game just about 12 hours away, a little lifeblood via the hoops team is exactly what us depressed Michigan fans need right now and hey, maybe lighting can strike twice? Go Blue. Fu&k the Buckeyes.

Reading Material?

As you may have noticed, we haven't been updating the GoWF much lately - ok at all. Well, it's not out of laziness. As much as we love this crappy blog, there's only so much time in the day and we're way to hip for this shit.

Nah, in reality, we actually got a couple paying jobs and another one that a couple people actually read, so the efforts have been focused elsewhere. Thus, with that in mind, we're probably going to largely use the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes to direct to the other stuff we've been working on. We'll try to drop a fresh post periodically, but until the football season concludes, we'll just pass you around the interwebs like you're downtown brown.

Lalley (Stan)

Week 11 Fantasy Football Recap, Though and Recap Moving Forward: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse

Sink or Swim, Big Ben, Santonio and Trent Edwards: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Deadline Deals, Time to Move Marion Barber: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Opposite Thinking, Joseph Addai: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Week 11 49ers-Rams Live Blog: Sports Illustrated

Binsky (Rupert)

Waiver Wire Wonders: Week 11: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Has History Taught Us Anything, Nine Studs for the Fantasy Playoffs: AOL Fantasy Fanhouse
Smashing Pumpkins @ United Palace Review: Hidden Track

Frightened Rabbit Interview (real backstage/in-person interview): Hidden Track

The Occasional Countdown (top ten new bombass songs): Hidden Track

Ben Folds @ Stubbs BBQ Review: Hidden Track

Garaj Mahal/Fareed Haque Interview: Glide Magazine
Week 8 Titans-Colts Live Blog: Sports Illustrated

Daunte Culpepper's Starts First Game, Results Really Surprising

ROMANTIC LOG CABIN - FIRESIDE - NIGHT

Betty and Rick arrive after a long drive up to the cabin amidst the beautiful Aspen sky and Rick builds a roaring fire in the stone fireplace, while Betty unpacks.

Betty's Internal Monologue: This is really romantic. He is so sweet... And so fucking obvious. Does he really think this is going to be a surprise? My God, we went ring shopping like four months ago and now we're going to Aspen for a romantic weekend on my fucking birthday. Gimme a break. Should I mess with him and find the engagement ring in his bag and hide it? That would be awesome. No, that would be so mean. I don't want to ruin the "surprise."

Rick (with an audible nervous crackle in his language): Miss Betty. Come down to the fireplace, I have a surprise for you.

Betty's Internal Monologue: Alright, just let me get my Visine so it looks like I'm crying. Remember, act surprised and say you love it even though it's probably ugly. Alright, game time baby.

Betty: Coming.

Betty walks down the wooden staircase to find Rick kneeling on his one knee by the light of his handmade fire.

Betty: Oh my God. I can't believe it.

Rick: Betty, will you marry me?

Betty: Yay. Wee. Woohoo. Of course. Nice ring. Can we get drunk now?
_______________________________________________________

That was meant to reflect how surprised I am that Daunte Culpepper started his first game for the Lions and helped the Lions on their way to a perfect 0-16 season with a lousy performance. In fact, Daunte's 104 yards, one interception, zero touchdowns, and 47.5 passer rating helped Detroit suffer their worst defeat yet in their worst season ever. Thus, by the transitive property of equality, this was technically the worst NFL football game ever. Is that a little heavy on the hyperbole?

Fortunately, Drew Stanton got some playing time finally, threw a touchdown pass, and went 6-8, which is great news considering the Lions just blew what will amount to around $5 million bucks on a really crappy washed up Daunte Culpepper who will probably get injured during practice this week.

Forgive me if I am not surprised by Culpepper's performance. Apparently, the rest of the Lions organziation forgot that he is not good and hasn't been good since Minnesota... in freaking 2004.

In his defense, the Lion's defense stunk it up really badly as well, so he wasn't the only one sucking out there. The defense gave up 384 total yards, not to mention three touchdowns in the first half alone to a single player, Maurice Jones-Drew. The offense never had a chance to catch a rhythm.

Now, we will all be reeling with anticpation as we wait until Sunday to see who wins the starting QB job, but if you don't know, you don't know the Lions. It's inevitable that Stanton will start playing really well, while Culpepper winds up a collosal waste of money. That's just the way it goes on the Lions. Nothing makes sense.

Thus, I have one fearless forecast for this Lion's team and Drew Stanton will ochestrate this ballsy Nostradamism. Detroit will take down the undefeated Titans on Thanksgiving Day in a marvelous victory. Why? Simply put, nothing ever makes sense with the Lions.

Fantasy Football Manifesto: Don't Have a Crappy Team Name

Every year NFL.com runs this shitty campaign about the rules of Fantasy Football. It's a chance to pop the cherries on the few remaining people out there that have yet to try Fantasy Football. In reality it's a nice little campaign for the novice, but for us we are PROS at this shit and needed to come up with a manifesto that relates better to our needs. And so today we are opening the first topic on the importance of team names.

Simply stated, I can’t stress enough just how important a team name really is for Fantasy Football. It defines who you are as an owner and what you are going to bring to the table week in and week out. It needs to be a well thought out process and next to marriage or buying your first home, it's probably the 3rd most important decision in a person's life.

The first step is knowing your audience. I mean if you're playing in a league with Mike, Bob and Joe from the office...you may have to discretely censor yourself. For example, a name like "Taught Ballbag" or "Seething Phallus" probably won't suffice. You'd better think of something intriguing, but less explicit. In these instances I like to pull out a name like the "Four Skins." Note the spelling and though they may think they know what you mean, you can always disguise it by claiming it refers to Golf.

Trust me, you'll feel better knowing you've duped them into not thinking you're a total pervert. Anyhow, do not ever under any circumstances pull out a fucking name like "The Destroyers" or "Gridiron Glory" or "Fin to Win." Gay. Gay. Gay. Nothing says "here is my douche bag subpoena to be me made fun of all season long like a shitty team name" amongst co-workers.

Once we start talking about the league with your buddies...the stakes get raised. You've got to come strong or simply submit to being the designated as the "mangina" of the league. Censorship is out the window in these leagues and like an interview for a job, you only have one chance to make a good first impression.

Now, I've heard and seen some great names floating around this here internet from time to time. Here are a few examples of such names of which I will take NO credit for; 3rd and Long Duk Dong, Shartzilla, Air Tight Rape, Romancing the Bone, DBL Perpetrator, Good Touch/Bad Touch, Cuntstick, Open Wound, Optimus Cock, etc. These are all GREAT examples of a team name and could be used with discretion if you see fit in your own league.

However, remember the last thing you want to do is come off as un-original. For me, I use the "OBCO" method when I name my Fantasy teams. Have an ORIGINAL, BOLD, CREATIVE and hopefully OFFENSIVE team name. If your team name sucks…chances are your team is going to suck, it’s just a fact. The name should come to you in lights, kind of how Eddie from Torrance explained the name “Dirk Diggler” to Jack Horner and Reed Rothschild. You’ll know the name when it hits you, it will just feel right.

Um, for the record any name from "Boogie Nights" should now be off limits due to being played out. And that gets me onto the notion of DO NOT ever use the same theme or copycat somebody else's team name/idea. Credibility lost. For the record, several years back I used the name "Chest Rockwell" and one year we let a new guy into our league and he straight up ganked the notion and used "Dirk Diggler" as his name. It was a long season of shame for the offender.

Lastly, once you have your name, just fucking stick with it. If you failed miserably the first go round...start prepping for next season to get it right. You totally deserve the "dude you need to douche your pussy" jokes all season long. Sporadic name changes only serve the notion that your team sucks and you have ZERO creativity.

And so with that, we're off to hit the think pad and establish the perfect name for this year's teams. Best of luck with your league and your team name. As always, comments and name suggestions are very welcome below.

Iverson Set to Debut With Chauncey's Number?

The Allen Iverson era for Detroit begins tonight in Toronto. And for those wondering what would happen between Iverson and Rodney Stuckey for that all important jersey #3...it's been settled. The NBA simply wouldn't allow jersey changes in mid-season and if Iverson sticks around or if the Pistons keep him around next season -- he'll have to wait to open the checkbook until then.

For now, he'll have to settle for the jersey that reads #1. Initially, this means nothing. So what, it's just another jersey number and who really cares all that much? Well, the one coincidental thing to consider is that #1 belonged to a Piston legend. Yup, the same Piston legend that just got traded to Denver, Chauncey Billups.

Apologies here if I'm picking a meaningless scab, but I can't help to think that Billups deserved a little better. I'm sure Billups could give two shits about the number and it's not as if the Pistons were going to raise his jersey into the rafters later this season. That said, it means something and it just ain't right.

Billups gave the Pistons all he had and then some throughout the course of his stay. As obvious as it was that he could no longer help the Pistons get over the hump, it still doesn't warrant dishing out his number to the next guy that steps in the locker room. Is this a potential jinx? Nah, probably not, but I just feel like the organization should've at least put Billups number to rest for this season. Then again, what other choice did they really have?

Shit, they couldn't supply Iverson with his traditional #3 and they weren't going to give him #4 or #11. So, I guess that's just how things roll. Yeah, I'm just picking at a scab right now. However, for years Chauncey meant everything to this organization and it's just tough love in this business. That said, it's almost tip-off and moving on - let's welcome the new Chauncey or the new #1 for the Pistons Allen Iverson. Right or wrong on the jersey...who knows?

Feelin' all Patriotist and Shit?

One of my random imeem buddies sent me this epic Bruce Springsteen playlist yesterday, so let's ring in the dawn of the world's first beige president with pride. Despite the hangover, this whole thing feels pretty special and I think this will be a positive transition not only for the US, but for the globe.

Driving back from lunch yesterday, two of my good buddies and co-workers, one from India and the other from Ecuador, asked who I planned to cast on my ballot. I responded "Obama." Neither being able to vote themselves, responded, "Good, becuase otherwise we would have thrown your ass out of the car right here and left you to walk home."

Are The Lions On Lock Down?

Look, we know that Daunte is a tough negotiator and all, given that he acts as his own super agent, Ari Gold, but what is the deal? The Lion's signing of Daunte Culpepper has public knowledge for days and they inked up the paperwork today, so why no details on the contract?

At first, this seemed fairly normal given the pending physical, but now that the deal is official, why are the details being kept under wraps? As if this deal didn't make my stomach wind up like a tether ball in the first place, the secrecy forebodes nothing but a really bad deal. I'm thinking they just blew $10 million dollars on a retired quarterback with literally zero other options.

Let me tell you a simple rule of economics; when demand equals zero, the selling price does not equal $10 million. Maybe, there is a rational explanation to this bizarre secrecy, but I cannot think of any reason to hide the news. It's gonna get out, so stop with the shady weird behavior. It's bad enough, we have to witness another train wreck first hand; at least own up to putting the money on the tracks.

Dumars Makes Shrewd Move, Ready for Critics

Is he the answer? Gee, I sure don't know and don't think so. However, is he a step in the right direction? You bet he is. Oh, did you hear that the Pistons traded for Allen Iverson today? Yeah, I figured that's old news by now. First, a moment of thanks and praise for Chauncey Billups and Antonio McDyess for all they did for the organization, the franchise and the city of Detroit. It'd be impossible to say they won't be missed or that this moment isn't bittersweet.

That said, despite what the critics will tell you...this move simply had to be done. Let's face it, the Pistons weren't going to win the Championship with the current core intact. Are they going to win it with Allen Iverson at the helm? Um, probably not, but that hardly matters at this time. The Pistons had become a stagnant version of the Atlanta Braves. I'm sure you've heard such comparisons being uttered around. Always good enough to be in the thick of the chase, but never quite good enough to get over the hump.

The move hardly means suddenly that they'll be able to stop LeBron James from taking over the Eastern Conference or ending the feel good story in Boston. In a distorted view, most are on complete polar opposites of who benefited the most from this trade. The delirious Piston fans will proclaim that we finally have a crunch time scorer and Superstar to compete with the Celtics and the LeBrons. Uh, not so fast - this isn't 2001 folks. Allen Iverson's better days are well in the rearview mirror. Meanwhile, most analysts are claiming this is an admission of failure from Dumars and Denver clearly walked away with the better end of the deal.

If anything this makes the Pistons interesting again. The same old, same old had simply run it's course in Detroit. And sure, Iverson will make them pretty damn interesting. He'll fill some seats at the Palace and add a little swagger to a team that had run a bit dry as of recent years. And I mean positive swagger, not in terms of an overconfident swagger. Look, we all know Iverson is hungry, so that's a positive.

If anything this deal had to be done simply to move Billups. Yes, I loved and still do love Billups just as much as you do. However, the complacency and decline of Billups has been no more apparent than the past few post-season clunkers he's laid down. Everyone always wants to point blame at Rasheed and Flip for the shortcomings. However, the engine of the Pistons (Billups) was running on empty the past few post-seasons. If you missed it, you just weren't watching.

He earned the nickname Mr. Big Shot back in 2004, but arguably didn't deliver a Big Shot since 2004. Again, he will be sorely missed. As Iverson is also a player on the decline and can hardly hold a jock strap to Chauncey's intangibles, leadership and defense. Who really cares if the guy has the balls to take every shot down the stretch in the playoffs. Again, I simply don't think he's the missing ingredient that will put them over the top.

However, what most critics are missing in the bigger picture is that Joe Dumars wasn't trying to hit a home run this season. I'm not saying he isn't trying to win the title. However, in the bigger picture, Iverson's contract expires as does Sheed's at the end of this season. That's roughly $33 million in salary that the Pistons can toss off the books if they so desire. It also means they can toss their hats in the big Free Agent markets in 2009 or 2010.

Does it mean they'll automatically be a top destination? Maybe and maybe not. Look, they are NOT ever going to be in the LeBron sweepstakes - fine. However, it does give them financial flexibility and the hopes of adding a potential super star to a team well built and assembled to compete for many years. Of course, the big "ifs" in the equation will be the youth of the Pistons and that being Rodney Stuckey, Amir Johnson and Maxiell.

However, sometimes you just have to go for the change. Dumars promised change and delivered upon his promise. It might not seem like the most logical move in the book. Yet, when you stop and realize that as constructed they were simply remaining stagnant - it makes sense. Yeah, I realize that hardly anybody agrees with Dumars and his logic. He's got his fair share of critics that will continue to summons up the old Darko botched pick. Let's recall though that he turned Darko into Stuckey.

So, trust in Joe D. the man knows what he's doing. Bid farewell to a couple Detroit legends, but enjoy having a rented Super Star for at least one season. Yup, this is gonna be fun afterall. Oh yeah, and keep in mind McDyess is getting bought out by the Nuggets and he'll be coming back...maybe.

Either way, it's time to usher in an era of change. And change is a good thing.

Walter Herrmann: Talk to the Hand Bitch!

Fabio stole his looks. However, nobody is going to mistake his game. And nobody is going to hold him back this season. For this season is his, his for the taking. He of the name Walter "mother fucking" Herrmann. Yup, sign up and get on board the Walter Herrmann express, because he's putting on a show.

OK, it's only been two games and two games in November really mean jack shit in the long run. However, the Fabio look alike that sat on the end of the bench last season is making a difference. No longer will he sit intently on the bench with a a goofy Zoolander face, he's making his mark and earning his keep. Don't the Pistons need a fan favorite of such zest and swagger?

The resounding answer is YES. Yet, let's not get too excited and expect the "oohs" and "ahs" to shower from the Palace faithful every night. There is a new sense of trust in Detroit, but we've heard it before. Yup, we've heard the bench will play a vital role in the outcome of this season. Make no mistakes though the Argentinian is ready to fill a void for much needed "umph" off the once decrepit Pistons bench.

He electrified the fans in his first two games of the season. At one point in the season opener he made an awkward move on a fast break that appeared to be an homage to one Michael Jordan. Yup, catching the ball in stride he went up with the right hand and switched to the left in mid-air to finish with finesse and the bucket. You may recall MJ performing such an outer-worldly act in the 1991 NBA Finals. OK, it really didn't come off as pretty, but the message was clear -- Herrmann has arrived.

Against the Wizards he took over in the 4th quarter with dagger triples. Yes, thee Waler Herrmann took over. The Pistons were running plays for him down the stretch. Scratch your head now and say what the hell? Will this last? I don't know, but it sure is fun right now. Herrmann is already drawing the praise from the Detroit scribes. Just hear Mitch Albom out...

... and the tireless Walter Herrmann, whose intense expression, when he runs, suggests a man being chased by a wolf.

And Herrmann, he of the streaked-hair ponytail? Well -- there were more dropped jaws at his production than I think I've ever seen for a 10-point performance.

Yeah, I'm on board. I'm not expecting double digits each night. However, what's wrong with a little fun. That's right talk to the hand, because you ain't worthy of talking to such a pretty face. Walter Herrmann means business. Get in or get out of the fucking way.

Oh, Hello. You're probably wondering why I can't stop smiling.

Hey, am I still allowed to post here? What's that? Technically? Sweet. I'll take it. I know I haven't written anything here in a couple months. I've been busy. And by busy, I mean lazy. New York has a lot more distractions than my parents' house.

But hey, me being lazy is nothing new. Me smiling constantly? That's a new one. Why am I smiling? Because the Phillies won the World Series! After 25 years a team I root for has finally won a championship. And it's pretty darn sweet. Many of you have experienced such a sensation. For me, this is a first, and I thought I'd share a bit of what the last week of my life has been like. Don't care? Hate the Phillies? Both? Hey, don't read it.

Anyway, onto the Phillies - holy shit. I mean, it STILL hasn't really hit me. I spent Friday in Philadelphia having the time of my life with 2 million equally joyous people and it still hasn't entirely sunk in. And that's okay. I've got all the time in the world for that to happen. My life is forever changed for the better, and I have the Phillies thank for it. The Phillies. The Mother. Fucking. Phillies. The, in the immortal words of Chase Utley, "world fucking champion" Phillies. Good god, I will never get tired of that phrase.

When the Phillies won the World Series, after one of the more bizarre stretches in the history of playoff baseball, I was in New York. I was unfortunately at work when it happened, but shortly thereafter I was in a bar co-owned by a Phillies fan, celebrating with him and a few other equally elated and shocked Philly fans, none of whom I had previously met. It didn't matter. We celebrated deep into the night, and when I awoke Thursday afternoon with a giant smile on my face, it was time to head to Philly. After a subdued Thrusday night spent taking in recorded footage of the local post game coverage, it was time for a day about which I have spent many years dreaming. The day of the Phillies' World Series parade. Oh my.

Friday did not disappoint, even though SEPTA tried its hardest to fail miserably. And, for the most part, they did. I went to catch a 10:30 train downtown - it passed by me and everyone else on the platform. It was already full. This was not an uncommon occurrence throughout the city. Fortunately I randomly ran into a buddy of mine at the station and he was able to give me and my buddy Zach a ride downtown and our march toward the parade had begun. The streets were filled with jubilant people of all ages. We passed one group of kids who couldn't have been more than 15 years old. "Shouldn't you children be in school?" I asked with a big grin on my face. A girl in a Philles jersey turned to me and said, "Fuck school! 600 kids from our high school are absent today!" Schools weren't closed Friday, but a holiday was certainly observed.

On our way to the parade Zach and I stopped in a liquor store on 17th and JFK. The clerk inside was talking to a coworker about how he already had run 125 debit cards. It was 11:45 am. To say that a lot of people were drinking publicly would be a large understatement.

We finally ended up on the corner of Broad and Pine for the parade. Visibility was far from perfect, but it didn't really matter. The parade was still a great time, and there was literally not a cloud in the sky. We spent the next couple hours just wandering the crowded streets, occasionally hitting nearby bars. By the time I finally hopped on a bus back to New York, I was thoroughly exhausted, but that was quite alright. It was one of the better days of my life.

To close this story out, I'll share one last anecdote from this past week. When I got off the train at 30th Street Station Thursday night, I was standing next to another guy in full Phillies gear. He looked at me and this exchange followed:

Him: It's about damn time.
Me: My sentiments exactly.
Him: You know, it's funny, when I woke up today, the sky was a different shade of blue.
Me: And it always will be man. It always will be.

World fucking champions. It's about damn time.

Post Halloween Sale: Get Your Top Quality Detroit Lions Hallloween Costumes

If there is one benefit of the fanhood of a miserable sports franchise, it would have to be Halloween. When a team sucks to the colossal level that the Detroit Lions suck, the possibilities are endless. Not only do the legendary costume party appearances by Jon Kitna and Roy Williams provide some great laughs, but there are dozens more - many of which are very easy. So, here's a sampling of ideas, just in time for um, next year?

The Jason Hanson Rap Group - This is a group costume which involves the standard wigger gear of saggy pants, a cockeyed Lion baseball cap, preferably with the tag on it and some blue and silver animal stripes, and of course Jason Hanson jerseys. As a group, the team of Hanson's perform their hit single, "We Been Kickin' It For Years."

The Herman Moore Touchdown Catch - In an effort to teach Jim Colletto how to call plays for Calvin Johnson, this costume involves a complete Herman Moore uniform and his receiver gloves. The trick is you have to hold the football over your head all night just like Moore's trademark loft catches in the corner for the six.

Dorky Thanksgiving Fans - Sure the Lions on Thanksgiving is a November rite of passage for Lions fans (and knowing our luck, will be the one random miraculous win this year against the ridiculously good Titans that jips us of the first pick), but does getting on TV for a second really merit wearing a fucking turkey on your head. Have some self-respect folks.

The Daunte Culpepper - Just get some crutches and a ridiculously furry coat. Painting your face black is optional if you aren't already black, but as we learned in Soul Man, this is a risky proposition.

The Rod Marinelli - Pass out resumes for trick or treaters and say stuff like "Pound the Rock" and "Football is a show me game" repeatedly like you have Tourettes Syndrome.

The Millen Hater - Here's another easy one to stash away in the memory bank if you ever need a last minute costume. Just cut some eye holes in a bag and write "Fire Millen" on it with a Sharpie... Gone but never forgetten.

The Megatron - While I don't really support this dumb nickname for the Lion's best player Calvin Johnson, from a costume standpoint you could do worse. I presume this costume would involve a bunch of aluminum foil, a big cannon made from the tube of a roll of paper, and a number 81.

The Wooked-Out Joey Harrington - While a more conventional Harrington could be achieved by sawing off your bangs into a rigid straight line, I prefer the Harrington that looks like he was ready to throw in the towel on the Lions in favor of selling kynd veggie burritos on Phish tour.

The Wayne Fontes - We saved the best for last. This one is easy too. All you need are some Mickey Mouse ears and a Detroit Lions shirt.