Sports Movies and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Choices

We all know that the lion's share of sports movies follow a standard template, varying minimally from flick to flick besides maybe a different sport and some different actors. While we are cool with this if-it-ain't-broke formula for the most part, there is one element that always gets under my skin. It never fails that one of the characters always makes a very ill-advised decision in terms of siding with the hottest buns.

Exhibit A: Jerry Maguire Um hello, Earth to Jerry. Jerry, snap out of it. Here, maybe if I put a moth ball under your nose. That chick has a KID. You just traded in a ridiculously hot model for a secretary, her annoying sister, and a KID. Do you read me? She has a KID.

Exhibit B: Varsity Blues

While Amy Smart is generally no slouch, she simply doesn't bring her "A" game to the dance. This is not the ridiculously hot Amy Smart we saw in the videocamera scene at the University of Ithaca in "Road Trip." This Amy Smart is more the pants suit, political science, young republican type of chick. Mox makes an egregious error in forgoing a night with the magical Ali Larter and her whip cream bikini. Come on Mox; it's legacy. That is not the kind of leadership we have come to expect from the starting QB at West Canaan.

Exhibit C: Teen Wolf

Scott's choice to remain with Boof over his dream girl Pam at the end of Teen Wolf is another travesty. Boof doesn't hold a candle to Pam and Pam even flashed her bra. That's risque stuff for a high schooler. He should have at least taken Pam for a ride on the "Wolfmobile" before retreating to the utterly mediocre Boof. Look, more power to Scott for going "beautiful on the inside," but let's be serious; this is like drafting T.J. Ducket over Adrian Peterson... dumb.

Exhibit D: Better Off Dead

For Lane, I can kind of understand his sentiment about not going back to Beth after she ripped his heart out and left him for magna jerk, Roy Stalin. Plus, it's tough to tell if Monique has it goin' on underneath that snowmobile suit, but still Beth is head and shoulders above as a trophy bone for skiing the K-12. Plus, taking Beth home in the Camaro would really up Meyer's street cred with Jin and Nguyen Cossell.

Exhibit E: Bull Durham

Annie faced a tough decision in deciding between Crash Davis (Costner) and Ebby Calbin "Nuke" LaNoosh (Robbins). For starters, which name do you go with there? Those are both so strong. The real question is does she go with the aging handsomeness of Kevin Costner or the hard-partying loose cannon with the potential to make the bigs? Ultimately, Annie settled down with Old Balls Johnson, while Nuke headed to the bigs. Dumb. She could have latched on to a sugar daddy in the big leagues, allowing her to infiltrate her promiscuity into a big league club. Then again, the thought of spooning with Kevin Costner every night is mighty tempting. I bet he has strong arms.

Exhibit F: Major League

Highlighted by one of the more laughable scenes, the big decision between the rich douchebag exec and Jake Taylor occurs in a downtown loft in Cleveland. The guy is a big shot business executive in friggin' Cleveland and he tries to scoff at Jake Taylor, who is simply a baseball player. I mean the minimum contract for a baseball player even back then had to be in the low six figures. Are we to honestly believe that Mr. Business Executive of the Year in Cleveland can bring in more cash or hold more prestige than a former All-Star catcher in a blue collar town like Cleveland? Come on? Fortunately, she comes around eventually and goes back to old Jakey.

Exhibit F: Revenge of the Nerds

OK, probably not a sports movie, but it was a sporting event that swung the affection of famed cheerleader, Ms. Betty Childs. After the underdog-takes-all story at the Greek Olympics and the Tri-Lams eventual defeat of the Alpha Betas, Ms. Childs picked Lewis over QB Stan Gable on the moon when we learned that nerds have big wangs. In reality, she was probably tripping on acid, but still it's a great tale that would never happen in real life. However, it was a moment for all us nerds to celebrate a small victory, real or not. Why they made 4 sequels eventually showing the couple married, is beyond our comprehension, but still?

Exhibit G: Johnny Be Good

Johnny made hands down the worst choice of anyone. He could have gone to any University in the country and plowed more hot (preferably southern) sorority girls than Matt Leinart. Instead, he opted to stay back home and attend the local city college to be with his woman - an entirely average young Uma Thurman. Besides that one anomaly bust out in "Beautiful Girls," Uma Thurman really doesn't do it for me. Maybe it's because I still resent her for preventing the world from experiencing Johnny Be Good on the football field. He was probably a little too small to land a starting QB job at a big time program, but he would have been one hell of a punter.

Think they made the right choices? Or care to add any we overlooked?

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the NFC West

One more week. Just one more week until the NFL Season kicks into full swing. I can almost taste it. Still though, I've got just a couple more Divisional previews in store, so let's waste very little time. Ladies and germs, the NFC West in all it's glory. A proud division that has wallowed in the bowels of mediocrity for the past few years. Will anyone grab the crown from the vaunted Seahawks or can they leisurely roll into, yet another playoff berth?

One things for certain, only one team is coming out of this division. And so, may the best team rise above the crap. Follow me...

Seattle Seahawks – “All the stars are gone but one. Morning breaks here comes the sun. Cross the sky now sinking fast…show me something built to last.”

It's hard to believe that the MVP two years removed is now completely out of the NFL. Well, that also says something to the faith the Seahawks had in Shaun Alexander. The roster is basically depleted of any "big" name stars, leaving the weight of the offense on the ever capable shoulders of Hasslebomb. That said, Hasslebomb has proved his worth to this organization and continues to excel, despite having grade "B" WR's, losing his running game and suffering from a declining offensive line. The best secret about this Seahawks team that will propel them to yet, another NFC West crown is the defense. It's a solid unit that continues to flourish without the "big" name star. However, rest assured the Seahawks will be challenged this season in the AFC West, but when all is said done...they are simply built to last.

St. Louis Rams - "Cuz they say two thousand zero-zero party over. Oops out of time. So, tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999."

The Rams have been clinging onto to 1999 for quite sometime now. Their offense has deceived experts and Fantasy Football fanatics all across this great nation into believing it is still the greatest show on turf. Fools. The biggest reason for the collapse of this once proud offensive regime hasn't been the departure of Mike Martz, but rather the patchwork of an offensive line. Last season, the majority of the Rams problems stemmed solely from the fact that offensive line was incapable of protecting or helping their valuable assets, Steven Jackson and Marc Bulger. This of course led to an average season at best from WR's Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce.

Meanwhile, heading into this season the Rams believe the line to no longer be the focal point of their woes. They parted ways with a 1999 artifact in Isaac Bruce and hope to have a healthy Jackson and Bulger in the fold to carry this offense back to the glory days. We'll see just how far that goes. Regardless, this season is hinging heavily upon the offensive line and defense making a few major leaps. Common sense says that's just too much to ask.

Arizona Cardinals – "I'm not expecting to grow flowers dessert, but I can live and breath and see the sun in winter time."

Well, we're still waiting and waiting for the Cardinals to breakthrough. They scrounged up a deceiving 8-8 mark last year, but that was simply a result of the scheduling gods. This season, once again many are touting this team to make the leap amongst NFC royalty. However, whatever it is this team keeps selling, I refuse to buy. Much like Seattle, the defense is vastly underrated.

However, Jesus Warner is forced to man the reigns again, because Leinart is far too involved with beer bongs and thongs in Scottsdale. OK, maybe Leinart has matured as person, but not as an NFL QB. He's surrounded by stars in the likes of Boldin, Fitty and the Edge, but not even that could help the poor guy. Oh, how he must long for the glory days of being the "man" er, pimp of Los Angeles. Those were the days. Strap on your Jesus fish Matt, because once again this is Warner's show to lead. And buck up Arizona, while Warner throws for 4,000 yards 30 TD's and 30 INT's on the way to guiding the Cardinals to a 6-10 season.

I call it, like I see it.

San Francisco 49ers – "She lies and says shes in love with him, can't find a better man. She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...can't find a better man."

Replace the "She" with "He" and that basically describes your love affair Mike Martz has for J.T O'Sullivan as his QB. In simpler terms, Martz just can't seem to find a better man for the job on the 49ers roster. Although, having seen that stubborn ass in action for the Lions the past few seasons...you couldn't ever possibly get Martz to admit otherwise. He believes in O'Sullivan and he thinks he can just plug pieces into his "famed" offense and it will all work itself out. Have fun with that 49ers fans, because it's just not gonna happen. We're all still holding our breath for the breakout of Vernon Davis and to a lesser degree Frank Gore. However, TE and RB just happen to be the two positions Martz loves to ignore. So, for everyone resting their Fantasy roster with the hopes that Martz will change things are in for a rude awakening.

Right, I know...I should at least say one thing positive about the 49ers. Hmm. Sorry, nothing comes to mind. Enjoy that 4-12 season and the search for a new head coach.

Surprsingly, Bloggers Are Not Dorks

The coolest part of maintaining one of these free-time vacuums known as a blog is meeting lots of like minded weirdos like ourselves. This generally occurs via email, links, or comments - rarely in human form.

Well, last night I had the opportunity to rub elbows with some of the elite members of the sports blogosphere in the heart of the big apple thanks to the good folks at Yardbarker who threw a little soiree for their minions. If you didn't know already, Yardbarker provides the primary revenue source for 99.7% of the sports blogs. Anyway, the party was rad and I got to meet folks from Uncoached, Five Tool Tool, Hugging Harold Reynolds, AOL Fanhouse, MGoBlog, The Sports Point, and Trojan Wire. Most encouraging of all was the complete lack of any of the mom's basement type cliche vibe. I would definitely hang out with all these guys.

In other unimportant news, I drank my first Jagermeister shot in about 4 years and the first straight vodka shot maybe ever (I'm a tequila man). Also, I bet ya didn't know that Ronnie Lott is one of the original investors in the Yard.

Here's a couple photographs from the festivities...

That's me in the back middle.

There's Dmt Shooter from Five Tool Tool on the left hanging with some fans.

Finally, here's Trojan Wire and his posse gettin they VIP on.

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the AFC North

The AFC North is on center stage today and it's one of those division's where I really have not a friggin' clue. I mean the Browns are the sexiest/trendiest pick on the board. And they've basically become the slut of NFL Pre-Season "chic" picks. However, they sure as hell aren't mine, more on that in a second. It seems like Pittsburgh always somehow manages to "find-a-way." And who's to think that won't happen again this season. Well, that's why it's preview time. Follow along...

1. Pittsburgh Steelers – “You wanna go where everybody knows your name.”

The Steelers always get preseason hand jobs for a reason. And that's because they are a perennial contender and they are the Steelers. They are like the Notre Dame of the NFL. Well, the mighty are gonna fall yet again. You can’t fool us though; this defense is on its way down the drain. The offensive line has big holes as well that were irresponsibly not filled in the draft. Plus, anchorman Alan Faneca left for the NY Jets. Neither Rashard Mendenhall nor Fast Willie is going to like running into defensive lineman 2 yards behind the line of scrimmage. Too many pretty boys and not enough football players make for a bad outlook in Steeltown. Yet, that's just about how crappy I feel about this division, because the Steelers win going away...I guess.

2. Cincinnati Bengals – “Gangsta, Gangsta…that’s what they yelling. It’s not about a salary it’s all about reality…gangsta, gangsta.”

The Bengals enter a season where the expectations and arrests have both been tempered slightly. Coupled with the Chad Johnson over dramatic saga and his injured shoulder, this team seems about due for an implosion. However, I can't help, but peg them as a creeper…not like creeper weed, but like a team that could sneak up and surprise. There are a lot of big "ifs" on this team, starting with the injured WR's and the inability to keep Carson Palmer in one piece. However, this is a team fighting for the well being of their coach, Marvin Lewis. So, your guess is as good as mine. This is going one way or the other...for now, I'm predicting north. Whatever that means.

3. Cleveland Browns – “I am the cult of, I am the cult of, I am the cult of, personality-eeeeeeeyeah.”

The Browns have a serious Jekyll-Hyde syndrome this season. On one side of the ball, they have the NFL’s best offensive line, explosive receiving threats in Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow, and Jamal Lewis back to his old self. On the other hand, the defense just sucks. This will be a Harvard Business Review case study one day for GMs in training to determine which is more important, offense or defense. Unfortunately for Browns fans, apparently they have never heard of Detroit. Sorry, Brownies...D.A is going to gag this season, the defense will collapse and you're headed for another season of misery. Sorry.

4. Baltimore Ravens – “Well, once we had an easy ride and always felt the same. Time was on our side and we had everything to gain. Let it be like yesterday. Please let me have happy days. Wont you tell me...where have all the good times gone?"

Brian Billick is gone. Steve McNair is retired. However, those are both good things...right? Regardless, the Ravens (or more particularly, the defense) continue to age and are now, but a fading giant who once loomed over this division. Last season was a smack of humility for the Ravens defense, despite being one of the few to go toe-to-toe with the Patriots. Inconsistency and a crappy offense was once again the team's undoing. And to think Billick was supposed to be an offensive genius. We all know how that evolved. Anyhow, the Ravens are once again in QB limbo, but hope the new era and the proud future can and will be found with the likes of Joe Flacco. For this season, let's just go ahead and slap the TBD label on this team and think back to the good 'ole days. Gee, Ray...where have all those good times gone?

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the AFC West

Let's rifle through another Division preview, shall we? On the heels of the Chargers/Seahawks on Monday Night Football, I figured it'd be a good night to whirl through the AFC West. Remember, the Hawks used to be in this division. Anyhow, the Chargers have a lease on this division, no...they own this division now-a-days. To be fair, Norv Turner as the coach or not...nobody is catching this team. The Broncos are just kind of good, the Raiders are still in transition and the Chiefs friggin' suck. So, let's hammer this out...

1. San Diego Chargers - "The time has come. To say fairs fair. To pay the rent. To pay our share."

The Chargers beds are burning and the time has come...to answer the call of the Patriots. It's the same old song and dance in San Diego, win NOW. Anytime you enter a season with such expectations it can break a team. Well, fortunately for the Chargers they survived the near breakdown last season, so experience says they'll safely avoid succumbing to the pressure. However, the injuries...now that's another story. The Chargers four key ingredients are injured or coming off an injury (Rivers, LT, Gates and now Merriman).

The Chargers have the depth to overcome such injuries and realistically this division is theirs to lose. Yet, the season will hinge heavily on October 12th. Yup, that's the date the Patriots come to town and rest assured rent will be due that day. Whether the Chargers pay up or collect is a work in progress.

That made no sense...I know.

2. Denver Broncos – “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

While there are a few uncharacteristic attributes rolling over from 2007 like the underachieving defense (28th in points allowed) and a mediocre offensive line messing with the running “system,” it’s still the Shanahan show. That means a boatload of running backs messing with your fantasy team and a decent passing game. The wide receivers look great this season with the exception of Brandon Marshall’s penchant for being ghetto and getting suspended. Darrell Jackson, Brandon Stokely, and Tony Scheffler round out a great set of options for a healthy Jay Culter. Look for a decent season from the Broncos, but probably underachieving in the traditional Denver sense.

3. Oakland Raiders - "I take my boys everywhere I go, because I'm paranoid. I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners. My mind is playing tricks on me."

Ah yes, Al Davis. Can we check to see if he still has a pulse? Dudes mind is playing tricks on him, as this is year 5 or 6 of the rebuilding process. Randy Moss, Kerry Collins and the vertical attack was a complete bust. However, the Raiders are ready to turn the page with a newer younger and cleaner version from the Raiders of yesteryear. Don't blink, the defense is heavily underrated and we're all ready to watch Darren McFadden explode onto the NFL scene. Lane what's his name has handed the reigns over to Jamarcus Russell for good and we'll see just what the big fella has in his tank. Surprisingly, I have this feeling the Raiders are going to sneak up on a few folks and win some games. Of course, they are still a few years before the rebuilding plan comes full circle. Until then, cheer up Al...it's gonna get better.

4. Kansas City Chiefs – “It’s like my painter friend Donald said, stick a fork in his ass and turn him over, he’s done.”

Where do you begin? They have the worst offensive line in the league, an overworked rag doll at running back, no semblance of a QB, and mediocre receivers at best. They also lost their best defensive player, Jared Allen, to the Vikings. There’s nothing nice to say about Kansas City, so I’ll just stop here. Next?

Five Easy Steps To Save The Auto Industry

I’m not sure if you guys know this about me, but besides having a penchant for hacking away at all things sports and music, I also consider myself one of the world’s foremost experts of the corporate turnaround. It’s true because I have a MBA. So, today I’ll lend this sage wisdom to the good folks of Detroit to save their petering automotive industry. Detroit, all you have to do is follow these five simple suggestions and commence Industrial Revolution 2.0.

1) Work on all those terrible names - Whoever’s brother, nephew, or cousin got put in charge of naming conventions in Detroit needs a bloody dictionary. For starters, why would you ever name a car manufacturer General Motors? Who in their right mind wants a general motor? Everyone wants an awesome motor. Detroit should know as well as anyone, considering how they go around hyping up the Hemi (whatever that may be) in their vehicles. At least make an effort. Beyond that, just look at the history: the Chevrolet sounds like the offspring of a Russian-French one-nighter; Oldsmobile, well that’s just a lay-up; and the 90 varieties of the one-day getaway (i.e., Excursion, Escalade, Escape) are just so tired.

2) Stop making a mockery of human innovation - The way I see it, we are at least 8 years behind schedule for flying cars. It’s 2008 for the love of Lansing; we should have an entire inter-cumulonimbus network up there by now.

3) Bolster William Clay Ford, Jr.’s’ Image – We may have given up hope that Junior will finally come to his senses and sell the Lions, but he could we at least make things more interesting? I mean, look at Jerry Jones and Al Davis, they may be morons, but at least they are insane to boot. Junior is not even fun worth sacrificing the brain cells required in joke formation. He could hang out at the strip bars with Kid Rock or something, so at least the Detroit demise would be fun to watch. Also, since he clearly does not mind letting our Lions go to shit while we suffer, he should put Matt Millen in charge of his pick-up truck division at Ford for a couple days. You know... just to see how it feels.

4) Hire more Mexican designers - I’m not sure if you know this, but nobody knows cars like the Mexicans. In fact, if you have never cruised the strip outside Denver on a Saturday night at sunset, you’ve never seen a real car. Plus, in conjunction with much more aesthetically appealing (and wildly intimidating) exteriors, the Mexicans will be well suited to fix point #1 with much sleeker names like El Nino or La Pantera (Spanish for panther).

5) Bring back the Bronco II – It’s the best car ever created.

Sleek New Political & Pop Culture Blog

One of our buddies - not just an Internet one, but real living breathing one - recently kicked off a funny new site for smart people called The Vondel Park. It's full of quick-hitting political and pop culture satire as well as other assorted shrubbery. Check it out.

Just don't fall asleep early at his house, because you might end up with Sharpie balls on your face... Not that I would know.

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the AFC East

Wake-up call. It's the AFC East on this fine morning. Let's take a trip out East to gauge the temperature and expectations for the teams that comprise this division. As we all know, the Patriots have had a stranglehold on this division for the past...oh, decade it seems. Perhaps, only one other QB could snare a little of the limelight from Tom Brady. And it just so happens that man is Brett Favre. After living under the spotlight for 17 weeks last season, I'm sure the Patriots will welcome the new attraction to the division with open arms and a face stomping.

Moving on, let's check out the prospects of these teams and journey along with some hit tunes as the compass. Follow along...

1. New England Patriots - "Where do we go. Where do we go. Where do we go now. Where do we go. Where do we go now."

After storming out to a 21 point lead against the Colts a few years ago in the AFC Championship game, it appeared we were headed for another Patriots Super Bowl. Well, that didn't work out. Enter last season as the Patriots 17 week long annihilation of opponents and the record books as a big "F.U" in response to the title game collapse. Perfection and yet another notch in the belt for the Patriots organization seemed inevitable. Of course, we all know how that ended. Hmm. So, really this season is all about moving forward for the Patriots, but where do they go? What else can they really do? The regular season is, but a means to an end for the Patriots to try and complete what they've failed ever-so slightly at in recent years. That said, they still OWN this division and can and will win it in their sleep.

2. New York Jets - “I’m in the mood, the rhythm is right. Slow ride, take it easy.”

The mood is just right in Jersey New York. Brett Favre has arrived as the savior who will help the Jets and Mangenius overthrow the evil ruler that is the Patriots. Hmm. Well, we all know that's just not gonna happen. It's odd to think that a team that went 3-13 last season could actually be that much better this season, because of one player. However, if the hype feels right, don't bother fighting it I guess. On paper, the Jets really ain't that bad, but they really ain't that good. Favre has looked good thus far, but we all know it's gonna be a slow ride or adjustment period that can only be judged by the games that mean something. There's no shock here, but Favre's talent in New York just ain't quite what it was in Green Bay. Regardless, the logic has to think that Favre is good enough to eek out a few more wins for this squad. Here's to watching this drama play itself out.

3. Buffalo Bills - "Let's pretend we don't exist. Let's pretend we're in Antarctica. Let's pretend we don't exist. Let's pretend we're in Antarctica."

Ladies and gentlemen...the Toronto Bills? Realistically if it wasn't for Favre I'm guessing most folks would peg the Bills and not the Jets to finish second fiddle to the Patriots in the AFC East. Still though, the Bills are often overlooked in the pecking order of up and coming teams. They're young and they've got a slight hand of talent. They're faced with the prospect of finally coming to grips with the fact that J.P Losman just ain't the answer. However, now they've turned over the reigns to Trent Edwards, which is like starting all over again. This team could cater around as a mini-sleeper, but realistically the bowels of mediocrity and obscurity continue to beckon.

4. Miami Dolphins – “You have to admit it’s getting better, getting better all of the time.”

The stars are not exactly lining up for the Dolphins, but slowly, but surely, this team will improve, starting in 2008. Jake Long should provide the rock that the offensive line has been missing, making way for a solid year for the ground game. If you have not heard, Ricky Williams looked solid both in camp and in preseason competition – for whatever that’s worth. Between Ronnie Brown and the Ricker, this is gonna be a good year. The passing game is still terrible, but Chad Henne will make a good pro QB one day and that’s not just the U of M fan talking. The defense dropped a grade with the loss of Jason Taylor, but this team should win 5 games (don’t laugh, that’s a big improvement). Most importantly, Parcells is calling the personnel shots, so it’s only a matter of time.

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the NFC North

Rolling right along with another Division preview. This route takes us along the black and blue sprawls of the famed NFC Norris division. It's certainly not a talent pool that will jump off the paper at you by any means. I mean any division that boasts Jon Kitna as it's best QB might be looking at an inferiority complex. That said, this is still as nasty and competitive as it gets in the NFL. Look, nobody said it was pretty, but that's football.

The Packers return as the defending division champs and probable favorites. Most novices and experts have lunged for the Vikings bandwagon in hopes that they will eventually look smart. Meanwhile, the Bears remain an enigma with the defensive talent to drop another 13-3 season or the offensive talent to plunk out a 3-13 season. Either way, the laughingstock of this division remains the Detroit Lions as the look to end their quest for mediocrity this season. Let's snap into position and get this preview out of the way.

As always, predicted order of finish below along with a theme lyric that should define each team's season. Follow me...

1. Green Bay Packers – “Well I’m taking my time just moving along, you’ll forget about me after I’ve been gone.”

The curse of Brett Favre lingers over the entire state of Milwaukee like a stale three day old beer and cheese fart. Hold on while I vomit. Moving on, the Packers will never be able to live down the history with Brett Favre in the span of a few months. It’s going to take a long time and even then, the fans will never forget. Right now, they are just in phase one of the break-up…the whole “hmm, this ain’t so bad, I like being single phase.” Give it time, and they still won’t forget about you Brett. Poor Aaron Rodgers. Yet, this is still the most talented team in the division and it’d take a damn fool to think they won’t be involved in the playoff push.

2. Detroit Lions – “I've got a song, I ain't got no melody. I'ma gonna sing it to my friends. Will it go round in circles? Will it fly high like a bird up in the sky?”

On paper and in person the Lions certainly look like a discombobulated Motley Crew. And as always, it starts up top with the ownership and trickles down through the mustache of Matt Millen and leaks all over the organization and players like bad resin from a metal pipe. Hmm. Anyhow, as far fetched as it sounds eventually the good fortunes of parity and luck just has to shine on the Lions…right? Who are we kidding? Fuck it, Detroit Lions meet your destiny…the 2008 Playoffs. After all, this division just can’t be that “good."

Jon Kitna has made another pact with the lord, Roy Williams is in a contract season, repeat "contract" season and Calvin Johnson appears to the "freak" as advertised. Sure, they still can't run the ball worth a damn and the offensive line is in shambles. Still, call it a hunch, but this team has a cupcake schedule and simply will not collapse in the 2nd half of the season...right?

3. Minnesota Vikings - "After all that I've been through, you're the only one that matters. Climb to safety. You never left me in the dark here on my own...Climb to safety."

Adrian Peterson has become the Vikings savior. Vikings fans hope and pray "Purple Jesus" will be their ladder to the playoffs. However, AP must "climb to safety" first and avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career. Consider this, AP hasn't played a full season of Football since his Freshmen season at Oklahoma. Hmm, sorry I didn't mean to dive into Fantasy prospective for you. For the Vikings, neither AP, the running game or the defense will be cause for concern. That problem will rest squarely on the shoulders or arm of Tavaris Jackson. To put it in simpler terms, Jackson stinks and anyone who thinks he's ready to turn the corner for a Playoff contending team is delusional.

Sorry, I have to break it to you. No matter how solid the defense or the rest of the team, Jackson is a pretty big Achilles heel...wouldn't you say? Aside from just the deficiencies of Jackson are of the course the WR's...who hardly put fear into any opposing secondary. Look, I'm sorry to shit on the parade, but people are just a wee bit high on the expectations for this Vikings team. My advice, settle for 7-9 and look for a new QB...then start printing next year's playoff tickets. Just sayin'...

4. Chicago Bears – “Someone told me long ago, there’s a calm before the storm…I know, it’s been coming for sometime.”

Can they admit this just ain't working anymore? The Bears held pat this past off-season when much like the Vikings they sorely needed an upgrade at QB. Well Rex Orton is the name and that two-headed monster should swap turns throwing picks, downing whiskey and banging innocent Lincoln Park Trixie's all season. Let's be honest, the Bears are a disaster just waiting to happen. The defense has flat out carried them to the point that their backs are going to break. Will the offense finally respond?

Considering the Bears parted ways with the lush known as Cedric Benson, bid farewell to Mushin Mohammad, Bernard Berrian, etc. There isn't much as for a ray of hope on the horizon. They've gone ahead and pinned their futile offensive hopes on a rookie RB named Matt Forte and the walking knee injury that is Kevin Jones. Best of luck with that.

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the NFC East

Continuing right along with these NFL Preview thingies, today...it's the NFC East. Arguably the toughest division in all of Football features four teams fully capable of snatching the Division title and/or making a deep post-season run. Oddly enough, the defending Super Bowl Champs reside in this division and they aren't even the favorites. That distinguished honor goes to the Dallas Cowboys.

The Cowboys are loaded. The Redskins are running with a new ball coach. The Giants are still celebrating winning the Super Bowl and they Iggles, well they're ready to give McNabb and Andy one more go of it. So, let's not waste my time or your time any longer. Getting right to it, in projected/predicted order of finish set to a theme lyric for each squad. Follow me...

1. Dallas Cowboys – “I’ve got to run to keep from hiding and I’m bound to keep on riding, but I ain’t gonna let ‘em catch me no. Ain’t gonna let ‘em catch the Midnight Rider.”

Ah yes, to be the hunted one is no fun. However, it's a position the Cowboys envy. Why else would they carry the moniker of "America's Team" for all these years and/or let HBO film the circus they call training camp. Get your popcorn ready is right, because this team is the show. They are loaded with talent and personality to say the least. And they have only one expectation and that's WIN the Super Bowl. Anything else for this team would be considered a failure. How's that for pressure?

You better not let them catch you Wade Phillips, because you're gone if they do.

2. Philadelphia Eagles – “Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me. But you left me far behind. Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad. But I did it anyway.”

McNabb is still bitter about T.O. He recently went on record to say just how special things could've been. Fair is fair, but dude it's time to move on Donovan...he left you and Andy Reid...far, far, behind. That said, you've gotta feel for the steam pile of feces the Eagles have given McNabb over the years at WR. And just to throw another wrinkle at McNabb, his best WR (who is average at best), Kevin Curtis will be out "for a while." Hmm, so how can anyone possibly look bright upon this season for the Iggles?

Well, consider me a believer that McNabb really is just that good and that Westbrook is just that much better than you think. Finally, this is probably McNabb's last straw in Philly...he wins or he's gone. He stays healthy or it's adios. The gut reaction here is that the Iggles and McNabb still have something to prove and one solid run in them before they blow this thing up from top to bottom. Their defense is strong enough to keep them in any game, while McNabb struggles to find capable WR's. Put a stamp on this one, the Iggles are going back to the Playoffs.

3. New York Giants - "And I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for. Its time to bring this ship into the shore. And throw away the oars, forever"

The feeling was so damn euphoric after last season's "surprise" Super Bowl that Michael Strahan threw away his oars and called it a career. Eli Manning is no longer worried about fighting the hype/expectations or having to live in the shadow of his big brother. In essence, there is a peaceful calm over the Giants organization coming into this season. It's certainly going to be a hard to ask to get past any Super Bowl hangover. For if the Giants at all come out relaxed or complacent, a division like this one will eat them alive. Make no mistakes about it, the defending Super Bowl Champs are hardly hearing the level of respect they should be getting. Really what can't you like about this team?

Eli is wiser. Shockey is gone. The front four (despite losing Strahan) are still fully prepared to swallow QB's for lunch. The mounting pressure has been erased. If you think about it, this team should very well find themselves right in the thick of the hunt, yet again. It'd be a real shocker if they don't pinch out one of the wild cards. However, claiming the division seems like a tall drink of water, considering the Cowboys just have their number in the REGULAR season, sans the playoffs of course.

4. Washington Redskins - "Take a look at me now, 'cause there's just an empty space. And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's just what I've got to face."

Joe Gibbs is gone and he ain't coming back after leaving this team high and dry. It's now Jim Zorn's team and he's facing some pretty stiff odds in arguably the toughest division in Football. It's not as though this Redskins team lacks talent. In fact, they've made the playoffs in two of the past three seasons. However, they seldom get mentioned in the same breath as the Eagles, Cowboys and Giants when royalty in the NFC East is spoken for. Don't let their pegging in these rankings fool you, this team is fully capable of pushing aside their arch rivals and staking a claim at this division crown. However, realistically do I see it happening? Short answer, no.

The youth movement is settling in for the Skins and Jason Campbell just seems about one year with this new offense away from the "breakout" season everyone in DC is praying for. Despite snatching Devin Thomas and Malcom Kelly, the WR core is still practically midgets. The ever-so goofy Clinton Portis should continue to anchor the running game and the defense is "supposed" to be improved. Look for this team to hang around, but just not be quite interesting enough to snatch enough victories from the jaws of defeat.

Odd NFL Previews: The Average Fans Guide to the NFC South

Ok, let's tap right into this thing and get down to business shall we? I think we're all just about ready for meaningful football to surface on our TV screens. And it just wouldn't be right if we passed up the opportunity to shed our very own bizarre previews and predictions for this upcoming NFL season.

We're going to take things nice and slow, covering each division as we only we can. Yup, hammering down the prospects of every team in the NFL set to the theme of lyrics. Would you expect us to deliver in any other way, shape or form? Today, I'm tabbed with the honor of delivering you the State of the Union for the NFC South.

The Bucs owned the division last season, but aside from Atlanta, the Panthers and Saints look to stake claim at the Crown. Without further ado, follow me as I predict and project how the NFC South will go down. Heed to the advice as you will, keep in mind...I'm just a casual fan who enjoys drinking and watching football. I'm no expert. Glad that's settled, let's roll...

1. New Orleans Saints – “If this is it. Doo-Wop. Please let me know, if this ain’t love…you better just say so…if this is it!”

The Saints broke our hearts and expectations last season with a shoddy and inconsistent performance right out of the gates. America’s sweetheart and sexpot pick to make a run at the Super Bowl was thwarted before the clock even struck midnight. Reggie Bush has failed us all in his quest to solve world hunger and restore world peace or be a serviceable feature RB for that matter. Drew Brees still has a coffee stain on his face, but that doesn’t mean he ain’t surrounded by talent. Saints fans and NFL fans alike are buying into the early hype that the Saints are going to better for the humble pie they received last season. We all want to believe that this is it, no more of the dick tease please. Well, karma and learning from their mistakes should propel the Saints back into the Super Bowl discussion.

2. Carolina Panthers – “I was standing and you were there. Two worlds collided. And they could never tear us apart.”

Ah yes, the ballad of Ken Lucas and Steve Smith, nobody could EVER tear them apart or pry the feisty Smith away from breaking Lucas’s face. That said; this is a team on the fence of being torn apart and rebuilt from bottom to top if they don’t shape up this season. It’s a team with talent that has somehow always found a way to underachieve for the past few seasons. The hunch here is they get the job done and make a push for the Playoffs with a healthy Jake Delhomme, a revamped running game and the ever psychotic Steve Smith. Aren't the Panthers "trendy" every season? It's make or break in my book, but let's give them a nod over the Bucs ever-so slightly.

3. Tampa Bay Bucs - "Yeah, were runnin a little bit hot tonight. I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it. Ah, you reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back."

Well, now we know what's on a Jon Gruden mixed tape. No offense, but the Bucs just didn't quite seem as good as their record flashed last season. Yup, they could barely see the road from the heat comin' off it. They just kept playing tough nosed football the Gruden way, but how much confidence do you have in Jeff Garcia? The Bucs flirted with Brett Favre this past off-season, but never pulled the trigger. So, it's the comfort of being the hunted one this season for the Bucs. Go ahead, ease the seat back...fellas.

4. Atlanta Falcons - "Were on a road to nowhere. Come on inside. Takin' that ride to nowhere. We'll take that ride."

To say Michael Vick set this franchise back is an understatement. The past two years couldn't have gone any worse for Arthur Blank and the Falcons. Well, their moving along and looking towards the future. However, it's a long road back in the rebuilding process. As of right now it's a work in progress. I guess the saying goes you have to hit the bottom before you can climb back to the top. Then again, that's one of the most idiotic statements. Although, I guess having Joey Harrington as your starting QB...is pretty much hitting the bottom. Anyhow, let's wrap it up, Falcons are going nowhere this year. Enough said.

Stay tuned for more previews.

Am I The Only Person That Finds Michael Phelps Boring?

Look, I don't mean any disrespect to Phelps. He's obviously an amazing swimmer. The best ever. He's a bona fide freak of nature, and hey, good for him. And I'm certainly not one of those idiots that thinks swimming isn't a sport. (Yes, they do exist.) But the greatest olympian ever? A swimmer? Really? I'm sorry, but Phelps and his 8 gold medals aren't even the most amazing story of these Olympics, let alone any Olympics. That title belongs to Usain Bolt, who fucking jogged his way to gold in the 100 meters and the 200 meters this week. Anyway, that's another story. Back to Phelps.

Was the comeback during the relay amazing? Yes, but that wasn't even Phelps during the anchor leg. Was the 7th gold in the butterfly by .01 seconds pretty cool? Absolutely. But 8 gold medals in one Olympics? Overrated. Look, only a swimmer could do that, because only swimming rewards people for being the best at simming inefficiently. There shouldn't be any strokes other than the crawl (which I believe is the technical name for the stroke everyone uses in freestyle races), because you wouldn't swim any other way if time was truly a factor. I don't care if you're the fastest in the world at the back stroke. There's a reason crab walking isn't an event in track and field. Ditto for hopping on one foot. If a lion was chasing you, you'd fucking RUN. And if a shark was chasing you, you'd being swimming the crawl. Well, you'd probably shit your wetsuit while crying and eventually die, but you get the idea.

And then, on top of everything else, there's the fact that Phelps himself is downright uninteresting. At least Mark Spitz had a porn 'stache. Phelps just has big teeth, bigger ears and an upper body that's 11 feet long. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve his Wheaties box. I'm just saying I'm glad swimming is finally over. Now I have time to enjoy what the Olympics are truly about:

Beach volleyball.
Now there's a sport I can get behind.

Giggedy giggedy, giggedy goo.

Making It Reign In Italy

Over the past few days, we saw Michael Phelps toy with the rest of the world and Brett Favre throw his first touchdown as a member of the J-E-T-S (so what if it was preseason), making it easy to overlook the real headline of the weekend -- the return of the Reign Man to the hardwood.

In case you haven't heard, Shawn Kemp took a break from fathering illegitimate children and dabbling with narcotics to sign with Italy's Premiata Montegranaro. The signing instantly makes him the most accomplished NBA player to cross the pond and sign with a European team, even if his best days are a decade behind him.

Combine this news with all the talk in recent weeks about LeBron and Kobe going to Europe for an absurd sum of money (an estimated $50 million a year), and you've got to think that some other past-their-prime former All-Stars could be suiting up for another run at glory and a few extra Euros.

Who would we like to see back in action? We're so glad you asked.

Charles Oakley

The former Knickerbocker - and current muscle for His Airness - could teach the rest of the world a thing or two about intimidation and protecting the paint.

Gary Payton

Over the years, one of the biggest knocks on the Euro-ballers has been their lack of defensive skills. While the Glove may not be able to lock down his opponent like he did in years past, you have to think he'd be a solid influence on a team's younger backcourt.

Reggie Miller

His constant hustle and clutch shooting never got him a ring, but maybe the open style of play found in Europe will serve as the fountain of youth for "Uncle Reg" and he'll finally win a title.

Larry Johnson
Spain is still playing the ‘92 version of NBA Jam, where LJ and Zo were better than cheat codes. They’ll flock to him like American tourists on churros.

Latrell Sprewell

'Cause his family's gotta eat and the NBA aint showing him no love.

Wook Watch: Eli Manning

In some of the best sports news so far this week, Eli Manning has a mustache. This news excites me for several reasons, but most of all because it is surprisingly orange.

There are no images available just yet, but we'll keep you posted on this breaking development.

Oh wait, I spoke to soon. I always knew those guys at the Onion Sports were funny, but I didn't know they had insider infomation too.

Hey guys, check it out. I can make a rooster with my shadow.

Do Me A Favor, Lay Off Phelps

There is only so much more ground to cover before this thing gets ugly: we know he has ADHD; we know he likes chocolate chip pancakes; and we know he likes to listen to hip hop on his iPod. Those are all nice little side tidbits and were fairly entertaining stories.

The problem is that now that the races are over and the big name of the Olympics has pretty much spilled his guts, the dirt digging will inevitably start. It's only a matter of time before attention starved reporters and media programmers will start looking to see if they can find a scandal. Scandals get attention and this kid just won more gold medals than anybody ever (will).

Is he on steroids? Does he snort that ADHD shit to get a boost? Did he get hammered after winning 8 gold medals in China?

Who knows? Who cares? Just do us a favor and don't blow this one. We are all too exhausted to deal with another stupid scandal. Just let everyone enjoy it.

For once, it was fun to be American again. I got goosebumps watching the final race in a bar where the place was literally packed full of men and women of all ages, donning American flags, and cheering at the top of their lungs... for a swimming race. One dude actually tried to start a "USA" chant, which thankfully didn't take. But still, it was a memory that I didn't expect to really care about, and it was awesome.

Who knew that kind of interest still existed for the Olympics, for sports, or for the mother land in general? I didn't, but it was damn fun to see it again. So guess what? The kid is 23. If he goes out, gets drunk, blacks out, and goes streaking; so be it. Quite frankly, he deserves it. And so do we.

Ten Reasons for all the World Records

Have you been wondering how every single swim involves at minimum one broken record and sometimes as many as three? Clearly, something is fishy is the third place finisher still breaks the previous ALL-TIME record.

Anyway, we have some ideas as usual...

10) The pool is full of Red Bull.

9) The new spandex pants are far less likely than Speedos to create boner drag.

8) The Chinese equipped the pool with an underwater sound system that pumps out Night Swimming all the time, prompting sad athletes to get out of there and home to their ex-girlfriend as soon as possible.

7) There is actually more breathable oxygen underwater than anywhere else in Beijing.

6) All that Chinese food gas makes swimmers especially buoyant.

5) In the interest of ratings, the television stations speed up a tape delay a tiny bit.

4) I'm not exactly sure why, but it has something to do with being stuck inside a golf ball.

3) The button on the Timex they use is a little sticky.

2) The swimmers have been sneaking bendy straws into the pool, enabling them to breathe underwater.

1) Michael Phelps' tummy is rumbling and he has to take a number two soon from mixing coffee, sausage, eggs, and chocolate chips.

Kosuke Fukudome Has Officially Hit the Wall

What do these numbers mean; .305, .293, .264, .236, .107? Well, those are the monthly batting averages as delivered by the Cubs rookie sensation Kosuke Fukudome. You may have noticed a trend. It's gone from really good, to decent, to average to really, really bad. Sure, every rookie is going to hit the wall at some point during the season. However, Fukudome hasn't just hit the wall, the plane has crashed into the building.

Lou Pinella has tried various line-ups to help Fukudome re-establish the groove he found himself in to start the season. He's slipped him in between Alfonso Soriano and Derrick Lee with the hopes that Fukudome will see better pitches to hit. And maybe he is, but maybe he's just missing his chances. Is he pressing? Quite possibly, but Fukudome seems more fatigued than anything. Perhaps, that's the simple wear and tear from the grind of a full 162 game season in the bigs.

What's hurt Fukudome more so than anything is timing, swinging at pitches out of the strike zone or watching hittable pitches cross by his knees. Now, that's a far stretch from watching the patient eye who never missed or swung at bad pitch back in April. And the numbers dictate the same story. Look, we all know there are slumps and then there are slumps. Fukudome is in one giant effing slump or this is a really disturbing omen.

I like to think more on the bright side, with the former. It's not as though Fukudome has become a non-asset to the team. He still plays solid defense and one would have to hope and anticipate that his bat will come around. Either way, opposing pitchers can still ill afford to lose respect or fall asleep against Fukudome. In the meantime, at least his teammates have picked up a hefty portion of the slack. However, Fukudome is certainly leaving many guessing as to whether or not he's cut in the mold of a Superstar.

Will he thrive or won't he? Will he hit or won't he? It's a battle against time and the clock is ticking. Obviously, Fukudome has hit the wall pretty hard and now it's time to scrape himself off the wall for the stretch run. Of course, today's 0-4 line against the Braves give little reason for optimism. And it seems like just yesterday he beat the Brewers on a walk-off homer in April at Wrigley. Deep, deep sigh.

Best Fast Food Chicken Sandwiches Circa 1996

As gripping as the men's synchronized diving may be, the only inspiring element of tonight's Olympic games is the McDonald's chicken sandwich commercial. It made me miss the days of ole' when my diet consisted of no less than 3 different varieties of fast food chicken sandwiches per week. Thus, I present to you the top 5 fast food chicken sandwiches circa 1996. I say 1996 only because I don't have a car anymore and I'm too out of shape to eat fast food very often without feeling sick.

1) Arby's Chicken Filet Sandwich - The hand's down champ everytime. The Arby's chicken breast was succulent and delicious with shredded lettuce and a fluffy seeded crown. Plus, they were never all that filling, so there was always room for those tasty Jamocha shakes and maybe a couple beef and cheddars if you grabbed a coupon in the Sunday paper.

2) The Burger King Chicken Sandwich - Not to be confused with the bunk ass BK Broiler, I'm referring to that oval shaped masterpiece with the diagonal cut. Sure, the chicken was totally suspect and often contained some suspect tissues, but mixed with all that mayo, it tasted delicious.

3) The Wendy's Chicken Sandwich - The strength of the Wendy's variety was always the sheer size of the breast. The chicken always overflowed on all sides allowing each bite a nice chicken to bun ratio. This one always had a nice flavor, but they never failed to put a nasty pale tomato on their making it look a little less appealing. Plus, Wendy's always tried to hard to introduce those innovative twists like the cordon bleu or the spicy (pictured), which made me wonder why they didn't trust the original. Definitely not bad, but left a little to be desired.

4) The Old School McChicken - McDonald's had it right from day one, but they kept switching the damn thing. The original was crispy and had a little spice kick that really made it taste damn good. It was short lived though, so never really earned a top spot. The successors (i.e., the Snacker) were all cheaper quality and about the width of a cracker.

5) Checkers (not to be confused with Rally's) - Checkers is the dark horse candidate on the list, but solid nonetheless. While the chicken sandwich could never hold a candle to the Champ burger or the hot apple nuggets, it was nothing to scoff at. Plus, you got to groove out in the hip throwback themed drive through and then eat in your car, thus ensuring the smell lasted all day long.

Michigan State Spartans 2008 Preview with James Caan

Today, instead of taking the conventional approach to our Spartans preview, I decided to speak with once of the most revered alums of the Michigan State Spartans, James Caan. Not only is he a great actor, and bright personality, he a pretty damn good football coach too.

Ghosts: Do you think Mark D'Antonio will last? He pulled the same disaster that MSU is so famous for; going 4-0 every fall and then falling off a cliff and the crapping the Windstar for the rest of the season.

Caan: I don't care if Ming the frigging Merciless is in there, gettem out, OK? (Honeymoon in Vegas).

Ghosts: Do you think any of these young receivers, Mark Dell or B.J. Cunningham can take the torch as the big time MUS receiver (i.e., Plaxico Burress, Devin Thomas, Andre Rison).

Caan: Hey, listen, I want somebody good - and I mean very good - to plant that gun. I don't want my brother coming out of that toilet with just his dick in his hands, alright? (the Godfather)

Ghosts: Well, that would be bad wouldn't it. Do you think Tressel is running a dirty program at OSU. I mean isn't a little suspicious how he's landing all these recruits. I mean, why would Terrelle Pryor choose a school where he will not start right away. And Michigan transfer to their arch-nemesis. Something doesn't add up?

Caan: What did he say, badda-beep, badda-boop, badda-boop, badda-beep, he wants us to send Michael to hear the proposition and the promise is the deal is so good we can't refuse. Ha. (The Godfather)

Ghosts: Do you think MSU will continue have a bunch of crack smoking drug dealers and academic cheaters on the football team or do they need to crack down on the rules?

Caan: Yeah, but when was the last time 80,000 people showed up to watch a kid do a damn chemistry experiment? Why don't you stick the bow-tie up your ass? (The Program)

Ghosts: You think Javon Ringer is the real deal, maybe even a Heisman Candidate?

Caan: Who, him? Well, he thinks he's the best guy in the game. I think he's right. Try not to piss him off, okay? (Eraser)

Ghosts: Should we expect some couches to burn?

Caan: I am the eyes and ears of your world, gentlemen, and I'm telling you, there's too much heat. (Eraser)

Ghosts: Alright, what's the bowl prediction?

Caan: You think I can just whip one out? (Misery)

Ghosts: Yeah, just guess dumbshit.

Caan: Don't try to frighten me, you don't know how. Now I am going to Tokyo and you are not.(Rollerball)

Ghosts: Um, there's no bowl games in Tokyo.

Caan: If the rule changes stay the same, Mr. Bartholomew, I'm playing with my team. (Rollerball)

Ghosts: Now this I gotta see. You are going to suit up?

Caan: Then I'll see you in Tokyo. (Rollerball)

Ghosts: You heard it here first folks, the Spartans are going 12-0 to Tokyo.

Events that would make the Olympics more interesting

The Olympics are lame. Admit it. It's a bunch of sports that are pretty much unwatchable, and to add insult to injury, everything is tape-delayed. It used to be the perfect stage for capitalism vs. communism, good vs. evil and now it's more drugged up than somebody that got their wisdom teeth removed.

Fear not though, it maybe possible once again to have an interesting Olympics. They just need to put these events in...

Beer Pong
It would be a dead heat between the Americans and Germans. Light beer would be regulation, causing all Olympic teams to train with Guinness and Mickey's. With this event, how many more college students with drinking problems would then be considered to be "chasing the dream?"

Thunderdome
Two men enter, one man leaves.

Hotdog eating contest
Can you imagine the NBC broadcast graphics that would track the puking?

"It looks like Jerry Hanson from Canada has upchucked a record twenty times during these Olympics. No way that was the kind of performance he wanted to put in this year."

Mascot races
Get all the world's best sports mascots and make them run over a moat full of Alligators. They actually do this in Iran, so why not make this an actual sport.

Beat the crap out of Richard Simmons
Style points for doing it in a glittery one-piece.

Any other suggestions?

Links and Trey

Here's the audio of last night's Trey show (Update: I'm removing this now, because it's on autoplay and it's getting on my nerves). I tried my darnedest to get in, but like the 800 people looking for a ticket to a 550 person venue; no such luck. I did get there early enough in the afternoon and catch a little soundcheck at least as well as an awkward groupie-like stalk job of watching Trey come out and get in his car. Contrary to my brother's suspicions, he does not drive a minivan.

Jimmy from SI's Extra Mustard compiled a phenomenal list of 25 crucial Youtubes for sports fans. I can watch that Boom Goes the Dynamite clip 1,000 times and it still makes me cringe. Poor guy.

Isaac from The World of Isaac came up with a winning Olympic article (which is no easy feat) about Olympians who should not get married. I think it would actually be glorious if Hard married Cox, but that's just me.

Moondogger continues his series on the best college football stadiums, which is in its third segment.

The masters of making funny shit with "Paint," Hugging Harold Reynolds, have a great series of Postcards from the various NFL training camps around the country. Here is a link to #3, but check em all out.

In other news, Stan and I have started writing fantasy football articles under our real names somewhere.

Finally, the 2nd annual GoWF Blogger Invitational fantasy league is taking shape and we have a great crew lined up, so we'll start providing lots of unwanted league analysis in the coming weeks.

Enjoy the weekend!

Hmm, So You Think they should’ve kept Manny?

Initial reactions are the nature of the game. It’s human nature to focus on a small sample in sport and to boldly claim it to be an absolute. However, we can draw the line when it comes to anyone who thinks we are overreacting to Manny’s initial wave or boost to the Dodgers. It’s fairly safe to the play card of “Manny Ramirez has clicked and caught fire in Dodger town." He’s simply mashing the ball and doing what he does best. It should come as no “real” shock what he’s done in his six games for the Dodgers.

Perhaps, you need a stat check; .565 AVG, 4 HR’s and 9 RBI’s. Proof enough? However, there is always the lingering question of will he sustain this level? Or is he out there just to prove a point to the Red Sox and will he eventually slip back into “Manny being Manny?” The long and short answer is…who gives a shit? We are talking about one of the greatest hitters to ever play the game. And what’s also worthy of note is how Manny always seems to thrive or have a knack for delivering the hits as the season drags on. He’s the ideal masher, during the most ideal of times.

You see for me, I can hardly stand the Red Sox. I could’ve cared less about their long suffering battle and eventual conquer of the Yankees. Maybe it’s just me, but I blame it on over saturation from the giant media conglomerate located in Connecticut. East coast bias, so to speak…I suppose. Yet, the one thing or person whom always seemed to make the Red Sox slightly tolerable was always Manny Ramirez. How can’t you enjoy somebody who is able to act so friggin’ non-chalant, but deliver and present his talents with ease?

It simply has to piss opposing teams and pitchers to the utmost. How the hell can this clown with dreads goof off in left field and then concentrate for a split second long enough to smack a baseball 400 feet? Baffling, I know, but entertaining as hell isn’t it?

The Red Sox could've and should've sucked it up for just a few more months and then bid farewell. Surely, Scott Boras wasn't going to let Manny sulk to the point that he killed his potential contract options. Besides, haven't the Red Sox learned from the past that Manny goes through these fits and then well, he rakes. Just ask the Dodgers right now, as the reap the rewards. And Manny will continue to do just that for the remainder of the season.

Apparently, a World Series MVP and being a certifiable Yankee killer just wasn't enough. Well, you only have so many chances to win, but not even that salvaged the Manny/Red Sox love affair. That said, will the Dodgers win with Manny? Maybe, maybe not, but he'll sure deliver everything he can, as we've seen off the get go. And the Red Sox will sorely miss him down the stretch. Then again, it is what is and Manny belongs to the Dodgers now, headaches and heroics.

Plenty of Room on the Bandwagon

Is it such a bad thing to hop aboard a bandwagon? If you really stop and think about it, thousands upon thousands of Sports fans hop along the ride with the "it" team each season. Of course, they find themselves being chastised and outcast amongst the diehards. However, I hardly find the notion all that bad. Shit, yours truly has to find a bandwagon NFL team to enjoy or casually root for come about Week 5 of every NFL season. That's the life of being a Lions fan.

And here is where it gets weird. You see, I always have to explain that by nature, I've always been a Cubs fan and NOT a Tigers fan when it comes to baseball. I'm hardly what you'd call a bandwagon fan in that regards. As the Cubs pursue the dream of ending what some would call a curse or a lengthy 100 year drought, the bandwagon fans are no doubt coming out of the wood works. Sure, the diehards see this as a negative and probably feel a bit of resentment towards these lust seekers.

However, I stand by them. Yup, I see very little harm in this regard. When you're battling karmic forces beyond control, sometimes it can't hurt to have a little excessive support. Hopefully, they don't start making those awful pink hats that the Red Sox Nation spit out over the years. OK, maybe MLB has already released that merchandise, I wouldn't know. Anyhow, what I do know is that the Red Sox picked up a boatload of bandwagon fans during their magical run to the World Series in 2004 and it must've helped.

It's simply the nature of sport. We want to see the underdog overcome their demons and achieve glory. If it means letting a few casual fans riding along in the back seat, well so be it. The Cubs certainly are one of the easiest franchises in sports to bandwagon. And it makes it about a thousand times easier when the team is reveling in success. Maybe just maybe the extra support can and will push the Cubs over the finish line.

We'll be sure to watch the development over the next few months. However, before you push this group aside, think it over. Let's welcome them with open arms and see where it carries this team. Yes, I know too many Cubs posts in one week is aiding the jinx. And that's why I promise to leave it at that, but for now hop along...cause the bandwagon is accepting anyone and everyone.

Guess Who Is Stupid? The Dallas Cowboys

Why you ask? Well, where do I even begin. In his old age, Jerry Jones has gone batty. He is turning the Cowboys into a total circus. Every day, more news flutters through the sports pages and every new piece of information adds more kindling to the campfire... that happens to be located right next to the field of really dry long grass, which is right next door to the non-daily creamer factory (quite flammable believe it or not).

The Cowboys already assembled a tabloid circus over the past couple years due in large part to the "newsworthy" sagas of Tony and Jessica's Thanksgiving Turkey eating habits and Terrell Owens habit of putting his jockstrap on Billy Cundiff's face and pushing him into the shower with Wade Phillips (yeah, I made that up).

Still, Jones wants more media. First, he signs Pac Man Jones after his 2007 expulsion for infamous "Making it Rain" incident, adding yet another misbehaved ass to the roster. So far, that makes count 'em three, complete media frenzies in Dallas.

Next, not only is Hard Knocks headed back to the Dallas camp after a few years hiatus in Kansas City (I can't say I blame HBO for this move. The Chiefs suck), but Jones is actually entertaining the idea of allowing the show to air over the course of the regular season. Can you even begin to imagine the disadvantage this brings to a team. Not only does it give rival teams direct access to you personnel decisions and areas of focus each week, but it brings an unprecedented level of distraction for players. For the record, I am all for it, but it is unfathomably retarded from a management standpoint. Anyone got any hot donuts?

Want me to keep going? Yeah, there's actually more. Our pal, Matt Mosley from Hashmarks, reported that the Cowboys are actually looking at Steve Smith. The Panthers are apparently pretty fed up after he beat the shit out of his own teammate and allegedly caused him to get a nose job.

Are you getting my point yet? This is a total shit show. Can you even imagine the lethal combination of TO, Jessica Simpson, Terrell Owens, Pac Man Jones, and a TV show? I'd rather mix bleach, nitroglycerin, vinegar, and battery acid and drink it than try to run a football team with these elements present. Granted, a couple of these things are just speculative, but this is gonna end badly no matter how you slide. No level of hard ass coaching can contain the infinite amount of media crap that this team is going to face.

There is a long-time word sports people like to throw around and they say it means something. It's called chemistry. Jerry Jones, you should learn it.

Mark DeRosa is the Glue Guy

In baseball terms you always hear the phrase, "he's a grinder." Well, grinders are exactly the components you need to have a successful team. Even better, grinders are essential to any team with Championship aspirations. Most would argue the Yankees have failed to achieve the ultimate level of greatness in recent years due to a Superstar packed roster, failing to recognize their need for a grinder. If you consider the glory years, every Yankee team had at least one grinder (like a Scott Brosas) fighting alongside the Stars. And you could bet your ass that they'd always deliver at least one or two clutch moments (see Brosas - World Series 2001).

Of course, the grinder or glue guy as they are also known aren't just limited to Baseball. They make up the essentials of most any Championship caliber team. That said, if the Cubs should (and I stress "if") go onto win...gulp...the World Series, Mark DeRosa will be the forgotten man amongst the stars. However, his irreplaceable role as the grinder will no doubt NOT be overlooked. And don't be surprised if he has one of those dramatic game or series altering hits that swings the fortunes and fate in the Cubs favor.

It's hardly thinking out of the box to boast on the feats of Mark DeRosa. All he's done for the Cubs this season has been the steady rock. Does he get or deserve the pub that Soriano, Lee, Ramirez, Zambrano or Fukudome get? Yes and no. The credit...he all deserves, but don't ever expect him to receive nor beg of the praise his counterpart Stars seek and deserve. DeRosa is in an ideal situation and thus he's done nothing, but flourish.

A .275 average with 11 HR's and 58 RBI's ain't exactly eye popping. However, when you consider he does only what's asked of him and rotates from position to position as needed...you can't help, but respect his season. He's played in all, but 7 games this season and clocks in at 4th in team RBI's. Least we not forget the several clutch hits he's delivered in timely situations. It's more than assuring to have such reliability hitting in your 6th or 7th slot. Not many other teams can counter with the production the Cubs get out of DeRosa's role.

Sure, this afternoon it was Soriano who delivered the winning punch. However, it was DeRosa who ripped a double, which moved the tying run into scoring position. Like I said, it's much too early to think World Series, first the Cubs must think playoffs. Yet, trust me...as far as this team goes will rely only so much on the stars and more so on a grinder like Mark DeRosa. And here's to watching the grinder have his way and continue to deliver down the stretch.

Fresh Release Day

Ah yes, finally after weeks of waiting for some new Phish...my email finally got notification that I was free to download the newest installment in the Live Phish series. That'd be Walnut Creek from the summer of 1997. To be honest, I've only been this excited for one other release (the Island Tour). Most of the other shows I just grab out of craving, rather than necessity. However, anticipation was certainly mounting for this release, as I recall the infinite memories from the old Maxell XL-II's of this show that always found their way into the rotation unitl I finally burnt it out completely.

Relax, I'm not about to rehash some canned review you'd have much better luck finding on the Live Phish comments board. I'll just leave it to you to decide for yourself. It's well worth 2 hours and in short....the show fucking rips. What might appear to be a bland setlist on the surface just packs on the energy. The Runaway Jim>My Soul opening stanza would certainly never grab my attention on paper. However, upon initial listen it gears up a few of the more rousing versions of each song. I need not even divulge into the 2nd set, which pours it on from top to bottom. Ah yes, DWD>Mikes>Simple>Weekapaug...enough said. Here's a clip from the rip...that is "Mikes Song."

What show should they release next? Feel free to comment if you care. Me? I'm pulling for the Hampton '99 run or why not just the whole Winter '99 tour. Why not?

Millen and the Publicist

Editors Note: We used to follow around our buddy Matt Millen and his cronie intern. However, today we are turning the page and playing the role of fly on the wall for this "fictional" conversation between Millen and his Publicist as they prepare to meet the press for the upcoming Lions season. What takes place is well, typical. Or at least typical for how we'd imagine it to go down... if it were real of course. Ah, fuck it, follow along...

Publicist: Matt, my man. OK, we've gotta get you ready for anything the media is going to throw at you in the coming weeks. They're going to want to know the dish, the inside scoop, everything about the fights at mini-camp, the prospects for the season, the progress of the youngsters and even your take on this whole Brett Favre saga. You've gotta be quick, articulate, deliberate and most of all confident. Quite frankly, I am still in astonishment that we are even having this talk again this season. However, you are a man who knows no boundaries or seems oblivious to fate.

Millen: God damn right, Skip. It's not about the game anymore, it's not about the organization, it's all about survival. You know my motto "it ain't show friends, it's show business." And business is just what I fucking intend to show.

Publicist: Great, that's the spirit.

Millen: First off, let me address this whole Brett Favre bullshit. And let's be honest, it's complete and utter bullshit. I wouldn't want a "jack fuck" like Brett Favre breaking up the fine chemistry I've built in this locker room. Say what you will about the progress and where we've come from or where we've been, but I NEVER had any desire or negotiations to hop into bed with Brett Favre...or should I say, lead my team. We are primed for the future and the past, with an arsenal of former Tampa Bay Bucs who played on the 2002 Championship team. We're happy exactly where we're at...thank you.

Publicist: Forward thinking, I like it. However, tone down the aggression and let's focus on supporting the QB you have before you take an axe to an icon like Brett Favre.

Millen: An Icon? An icon...my ass you smug prick. Do you know who is at the helms of my offense? Jesus. That's right, he might look like a god damn Skinhead, but the man is a disciple of the lord. You can't count how many fucking Jesus fishes the guy has littered on his SUV. Plus, Kitna is a warrior, a leader...not some coward who bails out on his team and then wants to comeback on his terms. That fucking ass--

Publicist: Ease up, ease up. This is what I mean by tone it down.

Millen: Young man, I am a man of passion. Take it or leave it.

Publicist: Taken.

Millen: Good. Now, let me tell you about the youngsters. They're all coming along just fine. This Kevin Smith kid is a fucking rock. That was my vision. Shit, they can all mock my drafting abilities and advice from scouts. Sure, I made a few mistakes along the way, but I've mastered the science. Next year, I'm gonna mail in the draft... I'll participate live via Telepresence if the Lions offices every fucking drop some coin to upgrade.

Publicist: Very well, but maybe a lighter stance would work better, something along the lines of a simple statement like "we are confident in our kids."

Millen: Fuck you.

Publicist: I see.

Millen: Just help me craft a message to defend my stance when they start asking questions about my company labtop that was seized.

Publicist: Wait, what? This is news to me, you've gotta keep in the loop.

Millen: Yeah, well apparently I didn't read the company policy on porn.

Publicist: Relax, I can issue a statement on your behalf.

Millen: Fuck my behalf.

Publicist: But... I want to help you.

Millen: You can help me by getting the fuck out of my office.

Publicist: Matt, take a xantax buddy... I'm not even in your office. We are, um...on the phone.

Millen: My point exactly.

Publicist: What point? What... I'm lost?

Millen: No, you're not lost... you're fucking fired. Pack your bags jack fuck. Enjoy watching my Lions ROAR back into the playoffs and be sure to tell me how balls taste. Millen signing off. This conversation is OVER. I'm off to ride my fucking Harley.

Quiz: Are You Simmons, Klosterman, Smith, or Reilly?

A life question if there ever was one, the following quiz will provide you an answer to the age-old head-scratcher, "Am I more like Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, Stephen A. Smith, or Rick Reilly?"

1) What is your drug of choice?

A) Cocaine
B) Marijuana
B) Rogaine
D) Airtime

2) What would likely be your steed on a cross-country road trip?

A) An Escalade
B) A Taurus
C) A BMW
B) A Pony

3) Which of the following is your favorite snack?

A) Dunkin' Donuts
B) Olive Garden Breadsticks
C) C-Doods
D) Dripping Melted Cheese

4) Who would you most prefer to interview?

A) A gay one-legged single mother who follows the Toledo Mudhens very closely
B) I'd rather be interviewed
C) Rajon Rondo
D) Jeff Tweedy

5) Which of the following albums gets the most iPod mileage?

A) Exile on Main Street - the Rolling Stones
B) Ten - Pearl Jam
C) This Is How We Do It - Montel Jordan
D) Making Love - The Very Best of Air Supply

6) Obscure reference of choice?

A) Jorge Lugo
B) Queensryche
C) Ray Pruitt
D) Steve Harvey

7) Which of the following sects would you would most prefer to think highly of you?

A) Your Negroes
B) Hipster/Indie Crossover Sportsfans
C) Frat guys, Former Frat Guys, and Future Frat Guys - all of whom think sports are extremely important
D) Sensitive Moms

8) Which of the following do you find the least annoying?

A) Ironic use of a word you previously ridiculed (i.e., trenchant)
B) Abbreviations of phrases you previously ridiculed (i.e. TUP for tremendous upside potential)
C) Food Metaphors (hold on one second, hahahahahhhahahaha. K, sorry)
D) Using the third person in reference to oneself

9) Who do you like (or in some instances, think you would have liked) the most of the following athletes?

A) Larry Bird
B) Roger Staubach
C) Allen Iverson
D) Lance Armstong

10) What is your favorite song about rain (Yes, I am running on fumes here, but I like an even 10 questions)?

A) Thunderstruck - AC/DC
B) I Wish It Would Rain - Bryan McKnight
C) I Love a Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbit
D) Blame It on the Rain - Milli Vanilli

Scoring:

1) A: 1, B: 3, C: 9, D: 6
2) A: 6, B: 3, C: 1, D: 9
3) A: 1, B: 3, C: 6, D: 9
4) A: 9, B: 6, C: 1, D: 3
5) A: 3, B: 1, C: 6, D: 9
6) A: 9, B: 3, C: 1, D: 6
7) A: 6, B: 3, C: 1, D: 9
8) A: 3, B: 1, C: 9, D: 6
9) A: 1, B: 3, C: 6, D: 9
10) A: 1, B: 6, C: 3, D: 9

Tallying the Results:

Add up your total score:

1-19: You are Bill Simmons
20-42: You are Chuck Klosterman
43-59: You are Stephen A. Smith
60+: You are Rick Reilly

If for some reason you are curious, I score a solid Klosterman, but I suppose that is by design since I made up the questions. Bye.

Happy Birthday, Links, and Peace Out

Before we depart for the weekend, we'd like to give a GoWF birthday shout out to Jerome John Garcia. Hope you have a happy birthday Jerry Bear. I hear John Denver and Bob Ross have a big birthday bash lined up for you, so send them our best. Just make sure Denver gives you his keys before he starts drinking this time. Also, tell God I have a bone to pick with him about the Detroit Lions.




Here's a few good links from the week that was. See ya'll next week and enjoy your weekend!

The Best Characters to Ever Star in a Single Seinfeld Episode (Uncoachable)

Our 15 year-old blogging phenom pal started up a nice Astros blog, so be sure to give him a good hazing over there. (Minute Maid Bark)

Ever wonder what goes through Romeo Crennel's mind during two a days? Me either, but this is pretty funny. (Throwing Into Traffic)

Andrew at the Grand National Championship Cake Party broke down every single skill player, defense, and kicker based on fantasy value, including Charlie Batch and Nehemiah Broughton. Did someone say sleeper? (Cake Rocks The Party)

Rich Rod pulls a shady stunt in A-Squared. (Waiting For Next Year)

Any of you Phish folks out there will get a kick out of seeing Gadiel's Phish Page back in action. Let's just hope we have a reason to check this every single day again soon. (Gadiel's Phish Page)

Finally, I have been enjoying this new Phish blog quite a bit. Anyone who likes Phish, Lost, and Harry Hood in particular is A-OK with us. (Mr. Miner's Phish Thoughts)

Do I Have to Beg?

Come on, I know there are some Big Ten nuts out there.

So far, we have 4 teams in this inaggural GoWF Big Ten only college fantasy football league and we need 4 more teams (at least). The cost is fifteen bucks I believe to run a team. If you're really broke, I'll even sponsor your sorry ass.

I think it will be fun and a big help in terms of boning up on Big Ten football. Just think how cool you'll feel when you know all the best receivers in the Armed Forces Bowl come January.

So, if anyone is interested or knows anyone who might be, sign yo ass up.

www.u-sports.com
League Name: Ghosts of Wayne Fontes
League Password: gowf