The Idiot's Guide To Proper Restaurant Etiquette

Yes, I know this is a sports blog. And yes, there has been sort of a lot going on lately in the sports world (go Soul!), but not really. Ken Griffey Jr. is on the White Sox now? Wonderful. Manny was traded to the Dodgers? Nice Job Red Sox. You made out like bandits. Brett Favre is still a donkey raping shiteater? Par for the course. Last year I wrote The Idiot's Guide To Leaving A Tip and it seemed to go over fairly well. So now I'm writing a follow up to let people know how to conduct themselves in a restaurant.

This is not going to encompass the more obvious things, such s not sending things back seven times or insulting your server. If you don't know things like that, you're hopeless. This is meant to address the things that most people wouldn't think of unless they have worked in a restaurant before.

First of all, don't seat yourself unless there is a sign instructing you to do so. Even if you don't see a hostess, wait politely at the door until someone acknowledges you. Trust me, it wont take long. And, when you are seated, look at your menu! You're there to eat! I don't want to come back six times because you "haven't even looked yet". You'll have plenty of time to chat before, during and after your meal. (By the way, this doesn't mean you should rush into ordering. It just means you should start looking at the menu as soon as possible. That way, if you have questions, we can help you. And yes, please feel free to ask questions. Just don't ask stupid ones.)

When ordering, order entire courses together. (And it is ideal that you order everything at once, but if you want to get some appetizers working while you decide on your main courses, that's totally fine.) Don't have me bring out your entrees and then decide you want that side of fries. That annoys the kitchen staff to no end, and they are NOT the people you want to piss off. Oh, and if you're one of those weirdos that wants a side of mayo with his burger, order it when you order the burger. Don't make me go get it when the burger arrives. You know damn well you wanted that side of mayo, you fucking weirdo. You ordering it at the last minute is not going to make me not judge you.

Now that you have ordered, don't complain about food taking too long. I'm just the fucking waiter. I'm not back there cooking it too.

When your food has arrived, there are a couple of mid-meal things you must consider. First of all, if you need something, such as more napkins, or another fork, ask me for them. Do not grab that roll up from another table because "you didn't want to bother me". Who the fuck do you think has to replace that roll up? Don't you think that taking another napkin, putting a fork, knife and spoon in it, rolling it up and putting it back on the table might inconvenience me more than just getting you some more napkins? For fuck's sake people, bringing you shit is my job. If you want to get your own napkins and silverware, go to a fast food joint.

And, if there is a problem with your food, it really is okay to say something. If your steak or burger is undercooked, or if you asked us to hold something (due to an allergy or religious reasons) and we didn't, please feel free to point it out. You're paying for this meal, you deserve to have it prepared properly. Just don't be a dick about it. Don't complain because you asked for no lettuce on your burger and there was still lettuce when it arrived. Just take the lettuce off and eat the damn burger, you fucking prima donna.

Once you're finished with everything, and your server asks you if you need anything else, don't sit there and say, "Oh, I think we're okay for now". What the fuck does that mean? Do you want a few minutes to think about dessert? Fine. Say that. Are you done? Then ask for the check. And when it arrives, hey asshole, pay it! Feel free to sit and talk as long as you like, but pay your check right away (and tip 20%). You never know when my shift is over and your open check is the last thing keeping me from going out and getting hammered.

By following these simple guidelines, I can assure that your dining experience will be the best one possible. And it will also make my job a lot easier, so everybody wins.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find as many pieces regarding my first place Phillies as possible. After all, some people who say they write about sports actually do it.

How bad are the Seattle Mariners?

I've been spared the torture that is happening in the Pacific Northwest since I'm a Red Sox fan, but people around these parts are just reeling at the thought of their professional baseball team.

The Seattle Mariners are 27 games below .500, but you wouldn't know that by looking at their stats. By the numbers, they're a mediocre team that is somehow around the middle of the pack in pitching and batting, but if you watch one of their games, you'll understand that these guys find ways to lose.

This is how bad it's getting:

-- People are putting their hopes with Washington State University football. This is the same program that produced Ryan Leaf, had a former head coach busted for going to a strip club frequently and didn't make a bowl game last year. Yet, everyone would much rather talk about the chance for them winning five games than the Mariners winning five games the rest of the season.

-- They've only won eight more games (40 to 32) than the short-season Single A Spokane Indians (who reside on the east side of Washington). Keep in mind that the Indians began playing a couple of months into the regular season (hence short season).

-- Locals are writing blogs about Jarrod Washburn and Carlos Silva. Sure they're negative blogs, but if they were on any other team, would the fans really care about these guys. I can't wait for Washburn (who besides King Felix, is considered the best pitcher on the team) to be traded to the Yankees and throw three innings the rest of the year. Oh and yeah, I know I fit in that locals writing blogs about two no talent pitchers category, but at least I'm not breaking down what they could get for Washburn (read: Al Michaels or an old Disney cartoon to be named later)

-- The Mariners are resorting to promotion nights to bring in big crowds. "Nirvana Appreciation Night" and "Remember when we had a basketball team and a baseball team? Night" have been big hits.

-- Fans are pleading with Clay Bennett to buy the team.

-- Rally Fries sales have been down. A lot.

-- Fox Sports Northwest spent three innings today during the Mariners game talking about the Manny controversy -- since it was subsequently more interesting than the game they were broadcasting.

-- Fans are beginning to miss Brett Boone.

-- Barry Bonds on speed dial?

New Ghosts

Lord Charles [noun]
--- Dwight Gooden’s superior curveball in the 1980’s
--- Your newly minted Ghosts of Wayne Fontes contributors

Everyone who doesn’t live out East is undoubtedly sick of the East Coast bias. Well, we hope you're hungry, because we’ll be giving you a second helping of it, extra sloppy (as you can never really fill up on East Coast sports).

You can consider us Doc and Darryl, minus the coke straws and dead cats.

Clayton and Duper, only with a championship quarterback.

We’ve got two distinct styles but fall into rhythm like Erick Sermon and Parrish Smith.

Smooth, like Clyde Frazier and Pearl Monroe.

But we’ll be one voice, like when the Constructions come together to form Devastator.

In the end, we’re just two kids from the Dirty Jerz who were raised to train, say our prayers and take our vitamins.

A few of our basic beliefs:
- The power swing from the left side of the plate is the most beautiful thing in sports
- Cocaine flooded NYC in the 80’s by specific design, in order de-rail a 5 year championship run by the Mets
- Dwight Stone was the greatest return man in Tecmo Super Bowl history
- Jesus wore #34 for the Chicago Bears
- You can keep Hoosiers, Bull Durham and Remember the Titans – we’ll take The Program; Alvin Mack was the second coming of Lawrence Taylor

We’ll come around from time-to-time and discourse on many things, spanning from Mr. Met to “Yo! MTV Raps” to Roadhouse. So stick around and we might be able to teach you something.

2008 Detroit Lions Preview: Can Anybody Find Me...Somebody to Love?

It's time for the GoWF annual rite of passage that is the Detroit Lions season preview... set to lyrics. Last year, we got all hot and bothered, because we waited until the Silver and Blue got off to a doppelganger 2-0 start, thus prompting some bonerific Prince lyrics. This year, we wanted to go with a mustachio theme in honor of the immovable pile of steamy crap that is Matt Millen. While Frank Zappa tempted us, in the interests of well, everybody else, we settled on Queen. Much to our merriment, Queen proves a fantastic choice. I swear these things write themselves sometimes.

"I've paid my dues. Time after time, I've done my sentence. But committed no crime. And bad mistakes, I've made a few. I've had my share of sand kicked in my face. But I've come through." (The Proud Tradition)

Yeah, we understand how you feel Barry. We would have bolted too if we were in your shoes. The invite is always open though, you know?

“I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.” (Last Season)

Last year the Kool-Aid tasted so good. Martz, Kitna, Johnson, Williams, Furrey, McDonald, Jones, Bell, Duckett. Ok, so maybe the Kool-Aid had a little too much Beefeater's Gin mixed with it, because what seemed like the second coming of the greatest show on turf was a hit or miss train wreck. We wanted it all and we weren’t willing to wait. However, 6-2 out of the gates got our appetites wet and expectations soaring. And who could possibly forget one of the most memorable moments in Lions football since Barry Sanders left? Remember Shaun “Big Baby” Rodgers plowing into the end zone after a fumble recovery and scamper to the house?

Of course, much like “Big Baby” gasping for air…soon the Lions would also be gasping for air. They collapsed; almost on cue down the stretch of the season going 2-6 the rest of the way. What seemed so perfect and so real, was just a cruel taste of the high life. We wanted it all, but we wanted it too soon and got little in return. It’s like we went house hunting and thought we could afford a little more than our budget and ended up upside down with a mortgage we couldn’t pay after the housing crash. Um, yup that was the Lions in 2007…we’d suppose.

"Buddy, you're a boy makin' big noise playing on the street; gonna be a big man some day. You got mud on your face. Big Disgrace. Kickin' your can all over the place.” (The Offense)

Again, bless Jon Kitna's heart, but he's been masquerading as a starting QB for a wee bit too long now. The problem is...the Lions have no real threat waiting in the wings, as Drew Stanton remains an enigma. Perhaps, another 5-11 or 6-10 season will allow us to get a glimpse into the future of Stanton. However, the crystal ball will most likely reveal another damn back-up QB. Oh well.

Once again the offensive line is made of patchwork and recycled goods. No, that's not referring to a hippie’s closet, rather an NFL team's offensive line. The Lions have gone ahead and attempted to implement a generic version of the Bronco's zone blocking system. Apparently, they hope this will mask the fact that they are rolling out Tatum Bell as a featured RB along with an "unknown" rookie. Gee, we hear Mike Bell and Reuben Droughns might be available to help apply some Neosporin to this pathetic RB stable.

And for the WR's...well they may or may not be the lone bright spot for this offense. Although, let's leave a TBD tag on this group for now. However, please let us keep our dream alive that Calvin Johnson will be the STUD everyone predicted he'd be.

"Fat Bottom girls you make the rocking world go round." (The Defense)

You have to hand it to Rod Marinelli. While a lot of folks out there deride him for basically bringing in every single available defensive player from Tampa Bay; it makes sense. If you are implementing a new system based on a similar system, why not bring in guys who know “said” system? It's a logical move and it is comforting that he considers a lot of these guys - particularly in a secondary that's often reminiscent of flies stuck on fly paper - system guys. The secondary is improved.

The problem with this throwback to the Tampa Cover 2 - and we're not the first to address this - is that Tampa had Simeon Rice and Warren Sapp providing a furious pass rush. The Lions have Chuck Darby, Cory Redding, Jared Devries, and Dewayne White. Marinelli calls them veterans; most would call them "blue light specials." The Cover 2 defense is useless without lightning fast defensive ends and good pressure in the middle. This is a huge question mark. The other laughable element here is Lovie Smith coached the linebackers in Tampa and installed it in Chicago. Minnesota implemented it last season. And they both have FAR better players than the Lions. Who you planning to fool here guys?

“Oooh you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Oooh you make me live now honey, Oooh you make me live…You’re my best friend.” (Coaching Staff)

Ah yes, the lightning Rod still carries the mantle of this team, but for how much longer? Well, it seems that he and Millen have formed an inseparable bond of sorts and can be seen carrying each other hand in hand in this debacle we know as the Lions. One would always have to consider Marinelli being on a short leash; after all Millen did fire a lifelong buddy in Steve Mariucci just a few short years ago.

That said; the remainder of Marinelli’s staff is a collection of unrecognizable names and/or nice guys. I guess the saying holds par that nice guys finish last. Put in simpler terms, unless some facet of this team (the special teams, defense or offense) makes a huge leap this year…we won’t have to worry about teams in need of head coaches raiding our cupboards. It should come as no surprise that our defense is led by Joe Barry, a Buccaneers import. Jim Colletto gets the distinguished honor of following the huge footprints that Mike Martz left behind (that’s sarcasm). Of course, his track record consists of the Ravens and Raiders offenses in the past 7 or 8 years…not good.

The feel good story of the Lions coaching staff has to be Joe Cullen who somehow managed to battle his booze demons and retain his job even after driving through a Wendy’s butt naked and drunk a few years back. Give that man a hug.

"Bismillah! We will not let you go, let me go. Will not let you go, let me go. Will not let you go let me go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no."

…or…

"Pressure. Pushing down on me, pressing down on you. No man ask for...Under Pressure." (Management)

At this point this has become another Detroit tale of Rasputin. The only way we’re getting rid of the “unsinkable” Matt Millen is if Ford Motor files for bankruptcy, sells off either some assets, or pawns the whole shebang. Ever seen "Gung Ho?" The Japanese would turn the Lions around in no time. They are really great at calisthenics.

Honestly, the seat can't possibly be any warmer under Matt Millen's ass. Ford Jr. has voiced displeasure, but as mentioned above...we've been down this road before and nobody is convinced the end is really near should the Millen/Marinelli brain trust fail once again. Yet, we'll be sure to listen to Drew Sharp and Mitch Albom proclaim the end of the Millen era...starting around Week #1.

"Is this the real life, is this just fantasy?" (Fantasy Impact)

The gut reaction says "Don't touch these guys even if you're wearing lubed up rubber gloves, “but there are a couple scenarios where you might pull the trigger. A late round Tatum Bell pickup is a calculated gamble (ADP 125ish). Kevin Smith very well might be the guy, but taking him for your #3 RB - or larger leagues you’re #2 RB - is very risky. The guy may never even play. Pay close attention to the Lion's camp if you really insist on going this route. With an ADP around 70, there's a lot to give (i.e., Fred Taylor, Donovan McNabb, Donald Driver) in order to get Smith. In the meantime, nobody is putting much stock in Taco Bell, so he's available for peanuts and he should get a share of carries - at least for a while.

Kitna is a good late round backup with TUP. He should easily fall into the double digit rounds, so at this point your biggest competition for Kitna is likely that pesky auto draft. As for Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams, as much as we all like them in reality, they reek of streaky big games and busts. Kitna looks to spend a lot of time on his back yet again, so expect a handful of turds from both of these guys. These guys have Lee Evans Syndrome written all over them.

“She's a killer queen; gunpowder gelatine. Dynamite with a lazer beam, guaranteed to blow your mind…(anytime).” (Gambling)

There’s a golden rule of thumb when it comes to wagering on the Lions. “You NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER…bet for or against the Detroit Lions.” That’s right; they will blow your mind and slash your heart with a Lazer beam…anytime. You don’t believe us? Go ahead; seal your own fate at your own risk. You’ve been warned to give this team a wide birth.

"It's the terror of knowing what this world is about. Watching some good friends, screaming...let me out." (Intangibles…The Fans)

Honestly, a fan revolt doesn’t appear that far from the realm of reality. Wait, we’ve tried that one before. In the end "WE" the fans remain the victims. Try walking a week in the shoes of a Lions fan. OK, so maybe it's not all that painful, but it's quite brutal. Just imagine knowing your fate before it even happens? At least most tortured franchises have "hope" each year. As goes with Lions fans, we've become numb to hope. It's really, really...sad. And it could turn ugly really fast at Ford Field if the team starts sputtering. How fun is it gonna be to play a football game on Thanksgiving when you are getting booed by a hostile and heavily intoxicated audience?

"And another one gone, and another one gone, another one bites the dust." (Overall 2008 Prediction)

It’s quite sobering to realize that it takes nearly 2000 words of rhetoric and pessimism to capture the splendor that is the Detroit Lions. Yes, we love the Lions…please make no mistakes in that regard. However, when you’ve had your share of sand kicked in your face…sometimes you just know you’re going to lose. It’s another season and another season of unfilled promises. There’s really no point in getting our hopes up again, just to have them crushed. For we know if the Lions ever right the ship, it’ll be like playing with house money. Oh how we long for that day, but it seems so, so far away. Bold Prediction: (6-10…Marinelli and Millen are shown the door).

Your Source for Olympic Gymnastics

Show of hands, how many of you took gymnastics as kids?

I not only took it myself, but I was also a youth girls gymnastics groupie. My sister got pretty good as a kid, so as a result, my little brother and I were forced to follow the weekend road warrior gymnastics circuit all across the state Michigan. Nothing ever sucked so bad.

In my case, the acrobatic career ended before it ever began. I never liked it to begin and to this day I do not know why that was so common back then to enroll boys in gymnastics. Girls are into dancing, dig the costumes, and graceful, so it makes a little sense. Boys are a recipe for disaster.

At the age of six, I found myself at a random gym for one of these lousy girls' competitions with an excellent foam pit. That was the one highlight, the giant pools full of cushy foam to jump into either via trampoline or balance beam. In this case, we must have thought this pit was extra stellar, because I ran down the beam and dove head first. To make a long story short, I ended up on muscle relaxers, the career was over, and my sister switched to diving. I never made it beyond the Roundoff.

Thankfully, there's still the Olympics. I totally think the women are gonna win it all this year. The hometown Chinese are already under the microscope for slavery or something, so top competition will likely be tossed before we ever get under way. Our best chance for a Mary Lou Retton (or a Kippy) like blowout this year is probably Shawn Johnson, but personally, I hope they take a team approach this time around though. I wonder if they have any good human interest stories?

Broadly speaking, it's a noticeably less ugly team than usual. They have a nice batch of first names like Samantha, Bridget, Alicia (pictured), Chellsie, and Shawn. At first I figured Shawn was gonna look like a black man, but she is actually pretty cute (relatively speaking). Alicia ain't too bad either, eh?

Who is the underdog to cheer on to win a medal? Get ready for this; there's a girl called Nastia. If you think I'm passing up the opportunity to root for an athlete called Nastia, you need to pay closer attention in general. That's fucking basass.

There is one piece of bunk news this year that I just learned in Sports Illustrated; gymnasts can no longer score a perfect 10. Now, they plan to combine two scores, one for difficulty and one for pointing toes and not crying. Apparently, a good score is now in the 16 to 17 range. This is a bit disappointing there was something fun about a chance at the perfect 10. A very strong 16.5 doesn't really have the same ring to it.

Well, good luck to the ladies. Bring us home some gold. And would it kill ya to make American Anthem 2. We haven't seen enough of Janet Gretzky lately.

Dancin’ in September?

I’m sure we’ve all felt like a big cheese dick at some point and caught ourselves dancing to the soothing sounds of Earth, Wind & Fire at a Wedding or at some seedy bar after a few adult sodas. Yeah? Ok, not everyone. Anyhow, it seems like Baseball has become synonymous with the worn cliché of “the hunt for October.” Ah, it’s oh so clever. However, what really matters is September, because that is where the best Division in Baseball will be decided, the NL Central.

Sorry, to the East Coast standard of those who believe the Yankees/Red Sox is the end all or for even that matter, the Phillies/Mets. Sure, sure…those finishes are going to be equally as compelling on a whole grander, media frenzied sort of a way. However, maybe and just maybe the best 3 teams in Baseball lay smack dab in the middle of the country where glitz and glamour is often over looked and/or superseded by Beer and greasy food? That’s right folks; the Midwest is where it’s at.

The Cubs, Brewers and Cardinals have all managed to carve out a designation as one of the top contenders in the National League. The problem being, only two of these teams at best are going to make the Playoffs and even that’s not a guarantee with the Mets, Phillies and Marlins having their own ménage à trois. One could argue that the Cardinals represent the weakest link of this group, but a continued push from Tony LaRussa to answer the dealing of the Cubs and Brewers could change that train of thought overnight.

Ironically, it is the month of September when this will all be settled. Of course, the Brewers are currently dusting off the Cardinals to gain leverage in the race and have a four game series with the Cubs next week. Anyhow, the Cubs seem to get the short end of the stick, but it can be used to their benefit…if they just win. You see, the Cubs face the Brewers and Cardinals an astounding six times each in the month of September alone. You can bank on the September 16th through 21st home stand at Wrigley against the Cards and Brewers in succession to be the most pivotal juncture of the Cubs season.

Of course, the Cubs must take their awful road show to Milwaukee for the final weekend of the regular season. Hmm, in total the Cubs have 61 games left on their schedule and a total of 19 of them are against either the Cards or Brewers. Do the math, that’s friggin’ 1/3 of their games against their most relevant competition. Like I said, this can either help or hurt their post season chances. If they are truly better than both teams, they will win and make this a moot point. However, if this Cub team falters and gags it away down the stretch…they’ll have nobody to blame, but themselves.

I believe the term is “controlling your own destiny.” Regardless, this race is wide open and as much as it pains me to realize that one of the best Cubs teams to come around in a long, long time…might not be good enough to make it to October. And as we all know, that depends on just how well they dance…in September.

Great Brawls of the Pacific Northwest

It's probably the fact that we're an extension of Canada, or our constant consumption of God's gift to alcoholics... Kokanee ... everything in the Pacific Northwest seems a little more laid back. While soccer players bite referee chins and WNBA players trade punches, we're going on hikes and sampling different Hooka flavors.

Are we hippies? Yes. Very much so.

But that doesn't mean we don't have the occasional fight or two. In fact, we have quite a bit of tension in the region. Check out this list of the greatest brawls of the Pacific Northwest.

1. Seattle's Best Coffee Baristas vs. Starbucks Baristas

Since there's one or the other on every street corner, this sort of fight was inevitable. Several latte burns were reported and one barista got hit with a scone.

2. Portland Trailblazers fans vs. Seattle SuperSonics fans

(SIIIIIIIGHHH) Okay, this one won't be happening for a long time. Thanks Clay Bennett, enjoy the 49th biggest media market in the country. You might as well have moved your team to a remote Alaskan fishing town.

3. Ritchie Sexson fans vs. Mariner fans

The deranged man was quite handily defeated by the angry mob.

4. The Jet Stream vs. the Cascade Mountains

This is the reason Eastern Washington has roughly the same climate as the Sahara Desert while there's rainforests on the west side of the state. If you come to this state, don't be fooled by the Evergreen State nickname.

5. Washington Husky Fans vs. Washington State Cougar Fans

Actually, this usually ends up with the cougar fan passing out drunk after nine games of beer pong and the Husky fan driving his jetta back to his parents house to play Xbox 360.

Does this Effect Detroit’s Chances of Being Named Titletown, USA?

We got NEXT! And you know this!!! I’m sure you’re well aware why the WNBA is stealing a few headlines this week. Despite the knowledge of many, the league is still in existence, believe it or not. And it should come as no surprise that it took a damn near riot or in better terms a brawl, to shed a little publicity on the floundering league. One may think negative publicity is not what this league needs, but how can one argue with a glimpse of the limelight?

The most ironic aspect of this whole “melee” is the characters involved, the setting, the subplots and the outcome. I mean what are the odds? The worst two Professional Basketball Brawls in both Men’s and Women’s Hoops both took place at the Palace of Auburn Hills. Of course, the women kept it a little more under control for this go around. Just some clawing and nails and um, Rick Mahorn shoving Leroy Leslie. However, that stuff happens…right?

There was no Ron Artest or Stephen Jackson flying off the handle and striking utter fear for the well being of an entire arena. There was no Charles Haddad (or Turtle from Entourage) baiting members of the Sparks into a fight. Although, could you imagine the ramifications from his buddies if Leroy Leslie laid him out for the cameras ala Jermaine O’Neal – circa 2005? Anyhow, this was Detroit and Los Angeles; a rivalry in and of itself. And we’re talking Michael Cooper, Bill Laimbeer and Rick Mahorn all roaming the sidelines. Seriously, if you’re missing the connection here…I can’t help.

Yes, it’s sad that Rick Mahorn who happened to play peacemaker during the original Palace brawl and was trying to do so for this one might get lumped with a negative reputation. However, that’s just what the “Bad Boys” do…I kid. Apparently, these are two of the top teams in the league, but of course I wouldn’t know that. The worst case scenario happened for the Shock who lost the estranged son daughter of Karl Malone, Cheryl Ford. Perhaps, this will hinder their Championship dreams and even worse, maybe this will hinder Detroit’s claim as “Titletown, USA.”

Either way, watch for yourself and one thing’s always certain…don’t fuck around in the “D.” Guns and Knives…Detroit What? Argh, this is just fucking embarrassing. Deep Sigh.

Another Season of Hope Misery.

If you've been reading us for the long haul, you'll probably call into question why there hasn't been mention of the Lions and the upcoming NFL season. Yup, last year we were all just damn giddy and drunker than a poet on payday with expectations for the Lions and a breakthrough season. I had to wipe the drool off my keyboard at work just thinking about the Fantasy implications of Kitna-to-Johnson or Kitna-to-Williams. It all seemed to be good to be true that the Lions would present us with the most exciting offensive team since the 1995 season.

And by Week 3, it seemed all too obvious that 1) we simply couldn't run the ball or Martz had no desire to do so and 2) we could not protect Kitna and he was either going to end up paralyzed or dead. Then again, none of this seemed to bother the Mad Scientist Mike Martz, as he was basically delivering his "fuck you, fire me" campaign all season. He was basically the guy in your office who puts in his two week notice and then starts showing up late, unshaven, wearing flip flops and eventually drunk. However, with Martz this defiance lasted an astounding 16 weeks.

Well, that's enough living in the past, how about a conversation in the here and now? OK, you're right...there is really nothing to be excited about for this season. The fate of this Lions team has already been decided. They made very little if any off-season improvements, some bald guy named Rod is still the coach, we have no offensive line, Kitna is still a back-up QB masking as a starter and we are heading into the season with Tatum Bell and a rookie named Kevin Smith as our RB's? No offense to Artose Pinner.

So, pardon me if I'm not exactly ecstatic for another season of misery to commence. That said, it is still "almost" football season and who couldn't possibly be somewhat excited about that? Maybe someday us Lions fans will be able to venture into a season just knowing that we'll still have a keen interest past Week #2. Oh well, I'll let these videos be a compass. The first one should build your spirits and the second one should temper your excitement and by the third one...your spirit will be broken. On the bright side, we can only go up. "Nothing left to do, but smile, smile, smile."

Believe in Now!


A reminder that Millen is still the GM!


This should make you cry!

Quiz: Do You Have the Makings of a Sports Blogger?

You might be surprised by the omnipresent personality characteristics inherent in the vast majority of sports bloggers. We've been at this blogging thing about a year and a half and gotten to know a good number of our counterparts and the results are a bit surprising. You probably assume it's a requisite encyclopedic knowledge of stats and athlete anecdotes or a long history of personal sporting achievements, but it's actually quite the opposite.

Go ahead and answer the following questions and find out if you have what it takes to be a sports blogger. Ok fine, in actuality pretty much any asshole can do it, but feel free to take the quiz anyway.

#1) Say you are playing Baseball Stars, you prefer:

A) Trying to defeat the American Dreams with the Lovely Ladies to exhibit that you can beat the best with inferior players.

B) Making your own team and taking on the American Dreams, because you want to strike out Ted Williams with Willie Cuminsider.

C) Making your own team and playing 7,000 games against the Lovely Ladies with a nonexistent human player 2 to raise funds and juice up your stats until you have the most dominant team in history.

#2) You are 11 weeks into your Super Tecmo Bowl season when the Sega Justice kicks it and you get your ass kicked, Barry Sanders gets injured, and you lose by 14. You:

A) Take the loss and pass your way to 3 straight wins until Barry returns.

B) Reset the Nintendo immediately and replay the game until you rack up 375 yards and 7 TDs.

C) Rip your Nintendo with the missing cartridge door off the desk and projectile chuck it down a flight of stairs.

#3) Which of the following packs of sports cards does not require inspection prior to purchase?

A) 1988 Upper Deck Baseball

B) 1991 Leaf Baseball

C) 1989-1990 NBA Hoops

#4) Do you prefer a solid whiffleball or the type with the air holes on one side?

A) Solid

B) Air Holes

#5) What is your fondest little league memory?

A) The time you parked 3 home runs and pitched a four hitter against the team with that giant red-head kid who looked like he was 19.

B) Eating 9 Air Heads and 6 boxes of Lemonheads after your game while you hung around and watched all the other games on Saturday afternoon.

C) When your old man taught you to throw your first breaking ball.

#6) You quit playing football in:

A) Never played it

B) 9th Grade

C) Played in College

D) I played Soccer all through high school

#7) Did you ever keep your own personal stats for a sports season?

A) Yes

B) No

#8) Did you ever slide head first?

A) Yes

B) No

#9) Did you ever host any sort of sports tournament at your house?

A) Yes

B) No

#10) Finally, who is the arch-nemesis in Major League 3: Back to the Minors (no peeking at IMDB)?

A) Jack Parkman

B) Carlos Liston

C) Haywood

D) Liston Von Culbertson

Answer Key:

#1: C
#2: B
#3: A
#4: B
#5: B
#6: A, B, or D
#7: A
#8: A
#9: A
#10: B

Brett Favre Resume: For Your Consideration

Brett Favre

Green Bay, WI

_____________________________________
Objective: Seeking a management role at Green Bay Drop Forge where I can leverage my leadership skills and competitive personality to elevate sales of forging and machining, thus developing Green Bay Drop Forge as a target of strength. I also think I would look cool pounding on one of those molten hot metal rods. Just seems like I something I would do given my five o’clock shadow and all.

Professional Experience

Green Bay Packers, Atlanta Falcons 1991-1998
Quarterback

· Exhibited impressive attendance record by showing up to work on time over 100 times
· Proved especially durable and tough as shit when it’s cold outside
· Demonstrated unwavering commitment to the team
· Came up big a lot on Monday Night
· Became the undying object of John Madden's affection
· Fucked with Aaron Rodgers

There’s Something About Mary 1998
Actor

· Starred alongside Ben Stiller where he made a Farverhe joke in There’s Something About Mary
· Pretended I was formerly Cameron Diaz’s love interest.
· Got in her pants in the trailer.

The Brett Favre Fourward Foundation 1996-Present
Chairman

· Helping Mississippi youth stay out of trouble by teaching them to throw sweet spirals
· Assisting in the mess hall and lead Sloppy Joe cook in the kitchen
· Attending celebrity golf tournaments and softball games
· Sitting at my desk reading Deadspin and With Leather
· Emailing back and forth with Rick Reilly as an idea man for human interest “puff pieces.”
· Inputting TPS Reports

The Wrangler Jeans Company 2007-Present
Spokesman

· Posing in Wrangler Jeans with the football
· Throwing tight spirals in my Wrangler Jeans
· Scuffing up footballs so they look all old for our pickup games
· Purposely overthrowing the boss’s sun on fade routes, because he keeps mocking my painkiller addiction

Education

University of Southern Mississippi
Played my first start with such a hangover that I literally barfed during warm ups

Professional Accolades

3 NFL MVP awards
Most Vicodins in a single game
Most fake retirements both in a single season and all-time

Things that would make the world a better place...

If national baseball broadcasts would stop having Bronx Bomber-loving commentators on national television. Let the YES network have all the meatheads that pronounce Jersey, "Jawsee" and let the rest of us watch baseball in peace.

I'd like to avoid the two and a half hour Yankee love fest when their lineup is getting worked. What's worse is the Brooklyn accent that permeates the airways like sweat in an armpit. Broadcasters go to school to pick up the West Coast "accent" for a reason... we don't mispronounce words horrendously.

Or say stuff like this about a 33-year old...

"Oh he's having a rough season, but will certainly be a bright spot as a young star in the future for New York."

Only a true sports homer of the old-timers club known as the Yankees can say that.

Waiting for Madden

I'm not counting down the days or anything. Alright, that was lie. This game is something I've been waiting for more eagerly than graduation from college, Christmas and Ritchie Sexson getting traded to the Yankees.

August 12th is a long, long ways off in the mind of a obsessed NFL fan. It's not that I'm a huge gamer, but there is a certain "the season is almost here" feeling you get when you unwrap the latest version of Madden and find out that the programmers completely shafted your favorite team's ratings.

Until then I've been doing some activities to keep my mind sane before '09 comes out with the Madonna of quarterbacks on the cover...

Watching "Little Giants"

A movie with the pope of football... John Madden, and Rick Moranis, who was in Honey I shrunk the Kids. Not sure of the connection there but when it comes to getting ready for the football season, nothing is more therapeutic then the Annexation of Puerto Rico.

Go Franchise Mode on my family

I've already shipped off my sister for a third round pick and my uncle for the rights to a player to be named later.

Come up ratings for myself

I think I'm about a 12 in the speed category and a 16 in the intelligence category, putting my right on par with a concuss Troy Aikman.

Practicing my special moves in the backyard

Juke, swim move, side-step, spin and the patented... 40 yard dropback with the QB's back to the wide receivers followed by a long bomb to one of them for a touchdown. Problem is I get winded by about the five yard mark in the dropback.

Wondering what Good Charlotte Song they're going to put on the soundtrack this year

Oh what's that? Hanna Montana?!?! Thanks EA Sports.

Friday Tuneskis and Links

I love a good summer Friday. Since I've been rocking out at my desk all day, I figured I'd throw together a little playlist for ya'll to head into the weekend analong with a few links from the week that was.

We'll kick off with the Waco Brothers' take Baba O'Reilly. Think the exact opposite of Dropkick Murphy's and you have the Waco's.

Next up, we got the Hold "Stop Calling Us a Fucking Bar Band" Steady with a rager off the new album. Any band who rights a song called "Constructive Summer" that aims to figure out a way to build a platform which allows them to drink on top of the watertower all summer gets five stars from me.

If Keith Emerson's gay alter ego recorded a song with the Spice Girls, you'd get this one from Mates of State. Catchy, yet strangely addictive.

I've posted this Felice Brothers number in video form before, but I like it a lot.

Next, we got a two fer one from my new fave, Frightened Rabbit. Yeah I know the name sucks, but they put out the best album I've heard so far in 2008. Here we got one from the new album and one from the old. These both rock pretty hard, but these guys span the spectrum with up-tempos and down as well as working in a slew of different sounds. One of the best bands around that you haven't heard of yet.

Finally, we'll wind down with an oldie from the National. It's a hipster day today at GoWF.

If you're only getting 30 seconds of any of the songs, just login to Imeem.



Alright, let's make with the links.

The Money Shot drafted a hilarious look at the Tress-man's new book. I love a Central Ohio native who ain't afraid to take it to Ohio State fans.

Wayne Fontes Experience alerted us to a laughable ad campaign for the Lion's upcoming season. Do they really think we just write off the past 10 years of disaster and buy into this? Fuck off. Nice post on Tiger Stadium too.

I enjoy quizzes and this one is most enjoyable thanks to Intentional Foul.

Slack is back.

I can't decide if I like or dislike Scott Radinsky. The guy played pro baseball, coaches a minor league team, and now gets to be a rock star. Ok, maybe not rock star, but still. Nice interview though from the guys at Hugging Harold Reynolds.

Roy Williams is Welcome in my Fantasy League

Perhaps, you’re not quite as bored or desperate as I am these days and you don’t happen to waste 4 hours reading up on Fantasy Football or even worse participating in numerous Mock Drafts provided by ESPN.com. Regardless, as it should be said “it’s an obsession, but it’s pleasing.” I’ve never been openly ashamed about affinity for Fantasy Football, nor my insistent pursuit to be the Buddha of Fantasy knowledge well in advance of the various drafts of which I participate in late August. Yes, it’s still only July.

Moving on, I happened upon an Expert/Athlete Fantasy draft that took place with several NFL players and the ESPN.com Fantasy staff members. It’s actually the main feature on their Fantasy Football page. What caught my attention of course was the much speculated Detroit Lions WR, Roy Williams. Yes, despite what the critics think…I still believe that Roy Williams might be the last great thing the Lions have going for them. And so, I’m not at all surprised they considered trading him this past off-season.

That said; Roy was one of the featured athletes in this Fantasy draft. Now, I’ve heard Roy Williams is quite the Fantasy Football connoisseur. However, sadly like our beloved Lions he happens to fall short in the Fantasy brain trust category in this draft. Let’s take a quick gander at just how the pride of the Lions assembled what he believes to be a Championship caliber team.

He opened with Peyton Manning as the #3 overall pick in the draft, apparently not realizing that it is 2008 and not 2004. And he also must have missed reports about Peyton’s ball sac that burst in his knee cap. Not that I don’t feel as if Manning isn’t going to have a typical dominant Fantasy season, but to go in the Top 3 might be a bit high. However, Manning will certainly never kill a Fantasy team and can very well be a steady hand that leads to a Championship.

Yet, Roy followed up his Manning pick with a huge blunder in the form of Willie Parker. Of note, is that Willie Parker scores less than the Brandon Funston or the Talented Mr. Roto combined and that’s hardly a compliment for Mr. Parker. He simply had to select himself in the third round, which I’ll hardly fault the dude for doing. However, it gets dicey in Round #4.

Dallas Clark…are you e’ffing kidding me? Um, that’s nice Roy that you have a solid QB-TE tandem. However, I think you reached on that one. Next up he grabbed the Chargers defense in Round #5. Perhaps, a bit early for a defense, but at least he grabbed one of the more solid units in the league. And I sure can’t fault “the Edge” as a 6th round semi-steal. A lot of people are sour on the Edge these days and I’m not sure why. He doesn’t have a platoon to deal with and he’s going to get the touches, plus one would have to think his team is remarkably improved…right?

Next up Roy snags who I happen to believe to be the Fantasy version of a one night stand, Lee Evans. It’s great that night, but usually an awkward disaster the next morning. Lee Evans is great on paper when he’s having a huge 10 catch day, but it’s an eventual disaster, because you know you know you’ll be embarrassed the following week. However, let’s not fault Roy all that much as he does eventually grab Chris Chambers a few rounds later. I happen to like Chambers this year, just a hunch. (Like, not love).

I’ll spare you the late round by round analysis. However, in the end the roster is stacked with three TE’s, two defenses and two kickers. Roy is riding with Matt Leinart as his QB, which just reeks of disaster. He does manage to snag a potential bust-out candidate in Vernon Davis. However, isn’t Davis a “bust-out” every year? Hmm, in the comments section of the draft, Williams bestows some praise or insult of Martz…I can’t tell. Anyhow, looking up and down his roster…he’d be a welcome addition in any of my leagues.

We could use the free cash, plus we’d never have to worry about his cheap ass needing to tip the Commish.

The Best Athlete Images of All-Time

For the record, this post could just as easily be titled "The Most Terrible Athlete Images of All-Time." It really makes no difference. Athletes and their elaborate personas are a big part of the fun of being a sports fan. Sure, it's about the game and the competition, but it's also fun growing up watching these guys as they let their egos run wild and become larger than life. Love 'em or hate 'em, they are fun to watch and more fun to pick on, so we're glad to have them. Today, we're looking at some of the finest athlete image concoctions in sports. So without further ado, here we go...

Andre Agassi

Remember men's tennis? Yeah, men play it too. I know, it's weird. Even the camera commercials had men in them. There was this dude, Andre Agassi, who used to be the just the baddest... And he was good too. He wielded this sweet mullet, wore all this neon shit, and made all sorts of weird noises on the court. I'm not sure what ever happened to that guy. I heard he got leukemia or something.

Allen Iverson

Iverson may be the last of the true gangstas in sports. Since Iverson's days of producing inappropriate rap tunes, beating paraplegics, and wielding semi-automatics, sports leagues are cracking down on the gangsta shiz. Lucky or unluckily for us fans, depending how you see it, Iverson took us out with one last hurrah. Bring on the dress code.

Julius Winfield Erving II

Does Dr. J really need an introduction? Dude was so cool, I bet you could hand him a bass and he'd lay down a bassline just like Token from South Park. You can also hand him a business and he'll make you money. The Doc J has served on boards of a number of high profile companies and it won't be long before he's running an NBA team. Also, Dr. J's afro deserves it's own room in the Basketball Hall of Fame.

Kirk Gibson

Gibby was no nonsense when it came to his style, but he sported that mustache like he was born with it. A lot of athletes dabble with the snot dam, but Kirk Gibson embodied it. Gibby and his 'stache represented the blue collar boy down the street who made it to the bigs. He was also my first favorite player in any sport.

Jim McMahon

As much as it pains me to say it, McMahon's headband, mullet, forehead, and sunglass concoction had it goin' on. Those '85 Bears were all class. They had the dance moves, the music videos, and the game to back it up. Jim McMahon with his visor and scrappy play was the ringleader.

Deion Sanders

Deion had it all figured out from day one. It doesn't really matter if you if you look good or act like an asshole as long as you think you do. Deion rocked his slammin' dance moves, 7 kilograms of gold chains, and even this wedding ensemble with pizazz. Lucky for us viewers, he's still got his style as a TV personality.

Dennis Rodman

Do not be mistaken. The weirdo transvestite wedding dress Rodman is staying home. This nod goes strictly to old-school Worm Rodman who made his presence known with the ridiculously short shorts, excessive hustle, lanky movement, and rebounds. It’s such a shame he got so messed up after his first marriage fell apart. Alexis seems to be doing well these days though. Rodman also gets props for teaming up with the Hulkster and defeating Karl Malone and Diamond Dallas Page. Although, I’m still upset that they lost to Lex Luger.

Jim Tressel

While it’s easy to poke fun at the PriceWaterhouseCoopers thing Tressel sports, it’s sort of a calculated genius. He comes across like this dork in a sweater vest who looks like he got his ass kicked for lunch money on regular basis, but then you see him get mad and you know someone is in deep shit. Plus, those sweater vests made him one of the most recognizable figures in college sports. Something tells me the Paterno glasses wouldn’t have done the trick for Tress, so the sweater vest makes our little hall of fame. Plus, as a Michigan fan, it’s the one last source of ridicule we got left. Well, there’s always Clarett and white trash jokes. Oh yeah, and the whole, Ohio State grads are dumb. Actually, now that I think about it, I could keep going for hours, but the sweater vest is still the best.

Clinton Portis

It’s hard to really define the Clinton Portis style, but whatever it may be, we’re pretty sure it involves a personality disorder. Portis actually conjured up an entire ensemble of alter egos, which often show up at press conferences, including “Dr. Do Itch Big,” "Southeast Jerome," "Coach Janky Spanky," "Bro Sweets", "Choo-Choo", "Sheriff Gonnagetcha", and "Dolemite Jenkins." Portis probably has a lock on the top spot should we ever get around to ranking this list.

Rasheed Wallace

For Sheed, it’s always been about the attitude, but the period with the title belt still makes the list for the great characters in sports. When Sheed used to roll out in his zen warm-ups with the big ass headphones, the blue bag over one shoulder, and the championship belt over the other shoulder, you knew he was coming to play.

Johnny Damon

Prior to his departure to the Big Crapple getting under his skin, Johnny Damon was one of the most recognizably hairy men in sports. He came to the city, hired Cindy Mancini, and went all metro-sexual. Somebody needs to take a stand on that facial hair rule on the Yankees. Next thing we know, they’ll be forcing players to strictly drink Appletinis and Cosmos, wear tight jeans, and smoke 100s instead of chew.

Chad Johnson

When it comes time to sit down at the table for contract negotiations, nothing says “Let’s get serious” like a bleached Mohawk and Jujubees stuck in your front teeth.

Jason Giambi

Much like his former-Caveman teammate, Giambi got himself all preppy after he settled in New York. In the early days though, he was plain scary. Look at the Lattimer-like glow in the eyes and the sheer size of those Pythons. I think I’d get in the squared-circle with Mike Tyson in his prime before this era of Giambi. We’re happy to see that Giambi has gone back to his hairy ways and he’s hitting again. Signing all those tits gets old after a while anyway, trust us.

Well, that's all we got. We're certain we forgot dozens of other good ones, so feel free to keep them coming in the comments. Maybe we'll throw up a part deux.

Fans Gone Wild

It's funny, originally I started dreaming up ideas for fan No No's that get on my nerves. You know, the little quirks that just drive you mad at a sporting event: the people who never stop talking, the fat man who never wants anyone to stand up, or the guy who never realizes the huge amount on snot dripping off his nose when it's cold?

Oddly, the course veered and I ended up just running down a long list of idiotic things my friends or I have done at sporting events, most of which are from Michigan games. Turns out there are quite a few good ones. Anyway, here are some No No's we learned the hard way. Feel free to share your own if you got some funny stories.

Don't underage drink when your friend's dad takes you to the game - This one ended awfully. We were probably 17 and slammed some undrinkable Vodka in a hurry before the game, probably Popov if memory serves. Anyway, one member of the group got a little ill, so we went into the Victors Club, essentially an alumni hangout in Crisler Arena to which my friend's dad belonged. About five minutes into the half, were sitting in chairs watching halftime score on TV amidst a pretty large group of people and RALPH. All over the floor.

Don't take your shirt off at Rockies Stadium to get on the Jumbo - This one was me. I was hanging out with three kids, probably 12 years old and we decided to get on the big screen. Unfortunately, while were twirling the shirts around, mine collides with one of the kid's shirts mid-swing and I lose it. Next thing I know, I'm staring down from the Upper Deck at my shirt on the grass 200 feet below in the bullpen. There's a silver lining though. After walking around the stadium like a shirtless hobo, I picked up a sweet "Baseball With An Altitude" shirt to replace it.

Don't eat sushi at the stadium - This actually happened at Shea. I couldn't believe it, but it happened. That's just a terrible lack of judgement altogether.

Don't pee in a cup in the stands - Obviously the cup spilled and this ended in an ejection. Plan ahead guys, it's a long game.

Do rush the field when the riot gear is out in force. Just don't run into the pepper spray - This represents my sports fan peak moment. We rushed the field at the Big House after the Ohio State game before they Wolverines won (ok, tied) the national championship. Strangely, no matter how drunk you get, pepper spray really, really hurts.

Don't eat mushrooms before a college football game - This seems like a really bad idea. There is absolutely nowhere to hide and you're inevitably gonna end up sitting next to a nice lady from Schenectady who wants to talk about your love life. Plus, mushrooms and mascots are a horrible combination.

Don't talk about your blog - This applies in all facets of life. It never ends well. Although, it is quite fun to talk about blogs with other bloggers.

Don't wear a Red Sox hat to Yankee Stadium - This one was funny. Some random girl literally just "yanked" this off a guy's head and flipped it over the rails.

Don't mess with the pitcher if you're lucky enough to get seats behind home - Funny as it may seem at the time, you get the boot.

Brett Favre is a Douche

Cover your ears Wisconsin, but say it with me if you feel it: “Brett Favre is douche bag.” It’s time to give up the varsity jacket and hang it up Brett. Or at least put the kibosh on the act and circus you've created. For someone so utterly consumed with not wanting his legacy tarnished, Brett Favre sure is going the extra mile to do just that. Does he even really want to comeback and play football? Has that been determined?

After all, dude said he isn’t going to apply for reinstatement and that he has until Week 6 to decide just that. Sure, I get it…he’s playing poker with the Packers front office. However, this pissing match of "he-said-she-said" is hardly the logical way for this melodrama to play it’s course. All the while, waiting in the wings is Aaron Rodgers who probably would love no more than to hear Brett Favre got hit by a flatbed truck. That’s harsh, but in reality he sure wishes Favre would just slide on his Wranglers, pack a mint Skoal and toss the pigskin with his golden retriever and his buddies outside some random barn.

Pity on Rodgers who is without doubt and deservedly so; the victim in this whole triangle. It’s not enough just to replace a legend, but now to have the legend lingering over you like a stale fart that just won’t go away. Rodgers can only hope this is just a passing phase for Favre or one last attempt to get his face plastered in the spotlight. Otherwise, it’s going to be hell for Aaron Rodgers.

He was already stamped with the doom of just not being Brett Favre and now somehow, if his prominence in Green Bay is at all stemmed (unfairly) to the Packers taking the firm ground with Favre's legacy…Rodgers will be the devil incarnate. His only remedy in this situation is to now go out and win the Super Bowl. For even if Brett Favre were to call off the dogs tomorrow and proclaim he “really” doesn’t want to play and even endorses Aaron Rodgers, it’s still too late.

Green Bay fans got a taste of Favre wanting back into their lives. He’s the temple of their shrines and they won’t blame Packers management completely. In the end they’ll always feel that if it wasn’t for fucking Aaron Rodgers their beloved Brett would be back. So, keep living on the glory and stealing the thunder Brett. And sure, don’t think twice about Aaron Rodgers, because it’s only his head and career you’re pissing on. Couldn’t agree with you more buddy…it ain’t show friends, it’s show business.

Douche.

My Godson Has Been Licking Camel Toads

What's Joe D. Got up his Sleeve?

You might be wondering why it took so long for me to break the silence or therefore muster up the energy to lament once again, like a Sports fan with a bruised ego. Well, it's just one of the many luxuries I can afford when I'm an anonymous Sports Blogger who sets his own hours and deems his own vacations. Sure, part of the sabbatical was due to the sheer and utter crushing my spirit took when the Pistons tanked in the playoffs like an overly intoxicated drunk in a bar fight. I didn't take it so well, I was speechless and devastated.

Mind you, I should be well past the point of immaturity when it comes to Sports. However, this year it was different. I just expected the Pistons had learned and were finally ready to move onto the NBA Finals. There comes a point in every Sports fans mind where they've sold themselves on the product and believing is just a forthright and omniscience takes over. That's where I was about a month ago. Now, the benefit of being older and less mature is that it's much easier to cope with the sobering reality that your team will not be hosting a Championship parade thanks to Alcohol.

So, like any normal minded person I mailed in a vacation letter to a Sports blog and hid behind the bottle. Could you blame me? Now that the smoke has cleared and I've simply resigned myself to the fact that the Pistons were never quite good enough in the first place...I'm at peace. Um, sort of...I guess. However, I'm still reaching for the fences on an explanation and an even more relevant quandary of what happens next?

Obviously, the Pistons and just about every superstar on the market or on the black market so to speak have been linked like cocaine and Lindsay Lohan. Yet, the reality remains that the smoke is starting to clear and that once roaring fire is now just smoldering ashes. That's right, the Pistons aren't going to make that bold move we were promised or even looking for. There will be no Carmelo Anthony, no Baron Davis and certainly no Tracy MacGrady. By now, the free agent market has opened and assets are being snatched left and right to lucrative contracts.

It seems that even the borderline guys such as Corey Maggette and James Posey are going to land anywhere, but Detroit. Yup, I know Posey has to sign anywhere, but I don't see Joe Dumars offering up the full mid level for him...just my opinion. So, this promise of a STAR...has faded pretty much equally as fast as our team faded against the Celtics.

Was it really all the coach? Was that the move Joe D. had in mind? Well that's just what we'll be able to answer next May, because we all know in Detroit that nothing else matters. We know who this team is and what they are capable of, but we also know they've become the Atlanta Braves of the NBA.

After watching a suspect draft from Dumars, I was left pondering the usual "what do we do now?" Where are we going? What's next? What the fuck Dumars? It's time to put the Pistons to bed now until at least October. However, I'm not expecting to open up any sports paper from now until then and hear the Pistons shipped out one of their core guys. It's just not gonna happen. This is Joe D's team...take it or leave it.

Am I ready to handle another season of just not quite good enough? I don't know. Hopefully, Joe D. knows something we don't and better yet, hopefully he's got one last trade effort up his sleeve. Although, who's really left?

On the Scene at the Captain Morgan's All-Star Pose Off

What's a Pose Off you ask? I have no idea. But, given the chance to get my Bill Simmons on and rub elbows with the sluts and pseudo-celebutantes who might attend something called a Pose Off, you best believe I'm taking it.

So, here is the true, if not totally uneventful, story of my on location adventure to the Captain Morgan's All-Star 2008 Pose Off, where Captain Morgan himself served up the finest Captain Morgan and Cokes, Captain Morgan Punch, and Captain Morgan Lemonade money can buy.

I figured I'd just interview myself to provide you all with the full details, because Captain Morgan looked awfully busy with his gay dance moves and all. At first, I thought the Captain pulled tons of chicks and had all these friends, because everyone flocked to him. Upon further review, I realized he is actually a lot like the retarded guy at the high school that everyone likes to high five and shit. Anyway, let's move lets get down to business.

So Rupert, who were you wearing?

I wore some dark green pants that I got from my girlfriend's dad as hand me downs and a pair of J. Crew flip flops. The top? That was a Banana Republic with the sleeves rolled up. I call the look Amagansett Casual. The collar was not popped.

What did you think of Maria Manouoeos or whatever?

She glided through room like a trumpeter swan with a flowing grace and striking glow much like Garth's dream girl from Wayne's World. Also, she has a much more voluptuous ass in real life than I expected. I assumed she would be short and skinny like most famous ladies, but she is quite a sexy dish - more of a skirt steak than a seared tuna.

Where are all of the pictures of the hot ass and famous baseball players?

Um yeah, there are none. The party was on a Sunday night and I actually left to go home at 10:15 pm, because I was itching to see the rest of Vantage Point. So, I actually didn't see many ball players. Also, after two Captain Morgan and Cokes, I was shaking so violently from all the sugar, that my wife had to drag me away. I really didn't get nearly drunk enough to start doing any weird Hunter S. type stuff.

You're a pussy...

So are you.

Fuck you. Any good food in there?

It was alright. Actually, they had some sliders that were deeelish. We're not talking just the meat-bun combo. These succulent little beefburgers piled a full inch thick juicy piece of prime, topped with cheese, pickles, tomatoes, lettuce, ketchup, and mustard. Mmmmm. Other than that, they served some crab cakes that had a "W" on them for some reason and some decent chicken satay. I didn't try the pigs in a blanket, because I have already been to 75 weddings this summer, so I'm burned out there.

That was supposed to be an "M" for Morgan you jackass. So, what did you expect to accomplish by going to this thing?

I actually had the whole thing planned out. I really wanted to devise an expose detailing the types of girls that represents the makings of the MLB groupie. I thought for sure the story was there. Unfortunately, it really didn't pan out. There were a lot of cute girls, but all pretty normal. I was hoping for more of the type of chicks that would double up on a dude like Lawrence. In reality, the makeup was akin to that of your local gym - a few really hot ones, but largely above average-ish.

Did the bathroom have a guy to hold your balls while you take a piss?

Yeah, I gave the guy a dollar. Those guys are the worst, but I feel bad that they just bathe in all those poop particles all day passing out paper towels.

Did David Ortiz get those shoes as a gift from Cousin Eddie?

I wondered that myself.

How did it go getting in the place?

Like this...

Me: Uh hi, I think I'm on the list for a media RSVP.

Three girls at door: Um, we don't open for about ten more minutes.

Me: Right.

Time passes...

Me: Uh hi, I think I'm on the list for a media RSVP.

Three girls scour the list looking for the name.

Three Girls: I don't see you on here. Who invited you?

Me: Um, some PR person. I forget his name.

Three Girls: Are you with the press?

Me: Uhhhhh, I write for some blogs.

Three Girls: Ok, lemme check with my boss.

Out of nowhere, the individual from the PR firm overhears the word "blog" and comes to the rescue.

PR Professional: Oh hey man, what blog?

Me: Uh, it's called the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes.

PR Professional: Oh sweet. It's great to meet you man. Come on in. Hey, lets get these guys some VIP bracelets.

I swear to god, that is verbatim how it went down. Chalk one up for the sports bloggers. I actually found this exchange so entirely bizarre that I actually convinced myself that the only reason I got invited was that the party was gonna be a payback joke on sports bloggers and all the baseball players were gonna seek revenge somehow.

No such luck.

Photo Credit: Marion Curtis/Startraks

How To Create a Successful Football Bush League

Until now, the attempts at developing the football equivalent to the minor leagues have been nothing short of disastrous. While various business models have achieved varying degrees of success, the outcome is always the same: kaput. Whether is the global approach of the World League, the XXXtreme approach of the XFL, or the college loyalty approach of the already struggling All American Football League, it’s seemingly impossible to pull it off. Until now…

Here is your failsafe plan to development a football bush league. I’m available for consulting services if the price is right.

10) Devise an innovative scoring system, whereby bonus points are awarded for running sweet trick plays like the Globe of Death, the Reverse Fake Z-Post from Super Tecmo, the Hook & Ladder, or the Transcontinental.

9) Hello? Gambling windows at the games and OTBs (Off Track Betting) stationed across the country with lots of toothless cigarette smokers reading newspapers on chairs out front.

8) All national anthems performed by viral You Tube freaks like Zak Kim.
7) All extra points must be kicked by either mules or former super models.

6) The All-star booth team of Kris Krisstoferson, Sam Elliot, and James Earl Jones provide all in game commentary.

5) Not to overlook the simplicity factor, beer should be dirt cheap with lax security and free rides to and from the stadium.

4) In the event of a blowout, random fans are encouraged to return punts. Should a random fan return a punt for a touchdown, the team is awarded double points. If a fan breaks bone, they lose two points.

3) All in game music is limited to 1990s rap icons like Naughty By Nature, Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Eazy E, Warren G, the Dayton Family, Snoop, etc.

2) The league will consist of teams from Vancouver, Amsterdam, Las Vegas, Reykjavik, Miami Beach, Switzerland, Thailand, Estonia, Humboldt County, South Africa, and Grand Rapids among others.

1) Quarterbacks are to be recruited only from farms, houseboats, and crime fighting. Exceptions may be permitted with league consent for prison quarterbacks.

Fantasy Carrot Dangler

In news that is probably a lot more interesting to Stan and I than the rest of the free world, according to Bill Williamson at Hashmarks, Detroit is allegedly looking at Lamont Jordan. Maybe I'm a sucker for years past or worse, a sucker for his bitch campaign of not getting enough PT for the NY Football Jets, but Lamont still strikes me as a good back with gas left in the tank.

Lamont is a better running back than he gets credit, because he is indeed injury prone. Still, when healthy, he is a big, gritty runner with great pass catching ability. Even last season, which most people would consider a turd, he posted over 800 yards (combined rushing and receiving), averaging about 66 yards per game and scoring three times in just 12 games. For a Detroit team with an awful lot riding on an extremely upright running rookie, dealing a sixth or seventh rounder for Jordan seems like a no-brainer assuming they can work out a deal for his 2008 accounts receivable bill.

Anyway, the real point of this post is to pose an open question as to where Lamont's fantasy value lies should Detroit make a deal. I would be screaming "SLEEPER" in a megaphone personally, but we'd be talking about double digit round sleeper. By no means would I jump the gun and get overexcited with any pick sooner than the tenth round - and probably more like the 13th or 14th. Clearly, this would also take Kevin Smith's value way down. As it stands, Kevin Smith is a huge gamble. Currently, his ADP is in the neighborhood of 69. Anyone who is willing to spend a sixth round pick on a rookie who does not have a starting job yet deserves a nuggy. That's just silly. Especially because this is the Lions were talking about.

Anyway, I've said my piece. Bring on Lamont. I'll put him on my roster. What do you guys think?

I Shoulda Shot the Deputy

This will probably make no sense unless you have seen Cheech & Chong’s Up In Smoke over 50 times AND just returned from your honeymoon jam-packed with infinity reggae cover bands. Anyway, here it goes…

On a lazy summer afternoon, a group of four friends, Bob Marley, Gregory Isaacs, Peter Tosh, and Tommy Chong sit around the couch on their relaxing island vacation chatting about the weather and sharing a doob rolled with Bob’s finest sticky icky.

Bang, Bang, Bang…

Gregory: Shit man, put it out. Put it out. Someone’s at the door. Someone’s at the door.

Chong: Don’t worry man; it’s probably just the MIGRA.

Bang, Bang, Bang…

Bob: Who is it, mon?

Visitor: It’s the police. Open up. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. Open up right this minute or you’ll find out what we mean when we say the hard way,

Gregory: Cool down your temper, Mr. Cop. We’ll be out in just one second.

Peter: It’s just the Makisupa. They come and steal a little every now and again, because they know nobody can stop them. It’s just away for them to steal some free smoke.

Bob, Gregory, and Chong scramble to put out the spliff, open the windows, and spray some air freshener, while Peter opens the door the door in an irritated manner for the Makisupa.

Peter: Hey Makisupa Policeman. Can I help you?

Policeman: What’s going on here? Smells like you boys have been smoking some ganj?

Gregory: Were just sipping a cup and having some fun and it's better than in the streets busting gun. What don't concern ya please leave it alone. Because the grass was meant for the cows and ass, and the herb on this land for the use of man.

Policeman (looking confused toward Bob, Peter, and Chong): Does anyone know what the hell he is talking about?

Peter: Ummmm.

Chong: Those uniforms are lame man. If everybody’s gonna wear a uniform, everybody should wear something different. Like the same, but different.

Policeman: The uniforms are standard issue. Anyway, we’re not here to talk about uniforms nor the weed. We’re here to investigate a murder. Do any of you know this man? We have reason to believe he might have made some of your acquaintances.

The policeman passes around a picture of a uniformed officer to determine if any of the stoners know any details about the homicide.

Peter: Never seen him before in my life.

Gregory: Nope. Me neither.

Chong: Is that Sergeant Stedenko? Oh wait, Nevermind. Nope, I’ve never seen him before either.

Bob: Yeah, I know dis one. That is Sheriff John Brown. He always hated me. For what? I don’t know.

Perhaps, he is still bitter about the time I met Miss Brown and we had brown sugar all over her booga wooga. That was long ago though. Those kinky reggae days be gone. He should have let it go, mon.

Policeman: So you’re saying you had altercations with Sheriff Brown in the past?

Bob: No mon. He simply took a disliking too me. I would have never harmed Mr. John Brown. You know what though? I think I might know who did. I heard this blues guitar player bragging about shooting the sheriff. He was a white man. Looked kinda like my friend Trey. Shorter hair doh mon.

Policeman: Alright, thank you for the tip. The story sounds awfully fishy to me though. I got my eye on you Marley.

Bob: I swear officer. It’s the truth. Come back anytime if we can be of any further assistance.

Bob closes the door, wipes his brow, and lets out a sigh.

Bob: Shit mon, I knew I should have shot the deputy.

Print the Playoff Tickets?

Jubilation followed by pre-mature ejaculation is often what accompanies a big deadline trade for said fan base in any sport. It’s a forgone conclusion that the Championship will now rightfully fall into place for one’s beloved team. “Did you hear we got ______, he’s so going to put us over the top!” However, these visions of grandeur aren’t always a formality.

By logic, you can probably guess the nature of this lecture has something to do with the Chicago Cubs acquiring Rich Harden from the Oakland A’s last night. Well, yes… you know me all too well. Most will consider this a reactionary move by Jim Hendry in response to the Brewers picking up big C.C Rider…um, Sabathia. And it’d be far fetched to not at least consider the notion. However, the Cubs were searching all along for a frontline starter to help solidify what was considered by many observers as an overachieving starting unit.

I’m not one to tear down an Altar, but I’m also never one to convince myself that one simple trade is the end all. Will Rich Harden help the Cubs in the long and short term? Yes. Will he be the difference maker in the Cubs finally ending the 100 year World Series drought? Let’s hold off on rushing to that proclamation. I hardly track stats or found the time worthwhile for me to “Google” the impact of mid-season trades, so pardon my fact sake.

I do know the Cubs traded for Nomar Garciaparra in 2004 in what was considered at the time to be the “end all” of curses in Chicago. However, Nomar gimped through the stretch run as the Cubs hit a Stevie Nicks like landslide to end ’04. I’m sure there have been other deals that boast complete opposite results. Insert Orlando Cabrera on the 2004 Red Sox.

That all said, Cubs fans alike should be rejoicing, because even without Rich Harden this team was built with a chance to win in mind. Honestly, this is the best Cubs team that’s come around in quite sometime. Rich Harden adds a sorely needed arm to the rotation, but he will certainly not be the tell tale sign of the Cubs fate. That hardly means I’m not excited about the notion of a Zambrano-Harden-Dempster-Lilly October rotation. However, I’m just not ready to mark anything down in the books and that’s especially true when it comes to the Chicago Cubs. Who would dare do such a thing?

The next 3 months will be a battle for bragging rights on who made the better trade in the AL Central, the Brewers or the Cubs. To be honest, I haven’t the slightest temperature gauge on which trade I’d consider better. What I do know is that it’s going to take a lot more than a guy who pitches once every five days to win the World Series. The Cubs will simply hope to keep the Brewers in the rearview mirror, but they’ll also soon have to prove they can win on the road.

We’ve got a long road ahead and I’m hardly banking on just one guy. However, I won’t lie…I’m pretty damn excited to usher in the Rich Harden era. Let’s just hope his arm doesn’t fall off before his first start. Who believes in jinxes?

Fantasy QB Bottom Feeding

After two straight seasons of reeling in fantasy championship with a tight rope size net with the help of Peyton Manning, this year calls for change. The running back situation in the early rounds is just too uncertain that I am reverting back to the old philosophy - prior to riding the Mr. Peyton Super Highway. This is a good year to stockpile running backs early on to guarantee at least a solid trio of reliable starters.

Why? There are just so many loose cannons in the early rounds. Is Ryan Grant really a first rounder without Favre keeping offenses on their heels? Are Matt Forte, Jonathan Stewart, Kevin Smith, and Darren McFadden worth the gamble in a rookie season where they aren't even guaranteed to start? Is Jamal Lewis still actually good? Earnest Graham? Really? Larry Johnson? Oh God. Get the defibrillator...

You get the point, right? So, where does leave us? Like I said, the best way to navigate this murky swamp of poop water is to load up on running backs. It's hard to make these calls and injuries will always factor into play. Thus, the quarterback is your sacrifice. You cannot build a strong running back stable this year without taking a risk at the QB position. Therefore, I'm giving a lot of thought as to who makes a decent choice to lead the troops. Here are the front runners with one that I like head and shoulders above the rest.

Jake Delhomme - Here's your silver tuna. I know this is risky with Delhomme coming off elbow surgery, but Jake has a good situation. Jeff Otah fortifies the line and the receiver corps is top tier. If Steve Smith plays like he should and the addition of D.J. Hackett and Muhsin Muhammad reunion pan out, this is a pretty lethal concoction. OK, maybe not lethal, but serviceable - and that's what we need here.

Alex Smith - A more reasonable prognosticator would stop drinking the Martz Kool-Aid after watching the Lions crap in the pool last season, but attempts equal points. Smith will get the throws. There's a good chance that he will continue to play like crap, because quite frankly he hasn't shown anything very impressive yet, but there's also a strong chance that when you bring in Mike Martz and a receiver who dominated the league in his offense (Isaac Bruce), Smith should put up big numbers.

Jon Kitna - I'm not confident here, but all the talk about Detroit is that they are gonna run-run-run. Yet, they still have Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson and CJ should be healthy this time. Plus, the Lions have improved the offensive line considerably, so he might actually have just enough time to get a pass off. Let's wait and see how things look closer to the season here, but this is a possibility as long as backup Drew Stanton doesn't beat him out for the starting spot.

Aaron Rodgers - This is one of those moments where I realize why I write on a blog and not a serious publication. I'm basing my thesis for Aaron Rodgers being a solid pick here because Green Bay fans kick ass. They stand behind their quarterbacks in a way that nobody else does and it builds confidence. Remember, this city actually stood behind Don Majikowski. They called him the Magic Man. The dude wasn't exactly magic. He did have a nice mullet though. Plus, the line is rock solid and the receivers are there. Plus, he'll be around very very late in the draft (i.e., nobody else will take him). Also, if Brett comes back, just take Brett and call it a day. He's the prototype for this strategy.

Derek Anderson - Obviously, gauge his value based on how low he falls and how hard interceptions hit the point scoring, but in my book, Cleveland has the best receivers in the game (Braylon Edwards, Joe Jurevicious, Kellen Winslow, and Donte Stallworth). With Joe Thomas keeping the blind side clean and Jamal Lewis keeping defenses honest, this is dangerous. Keep your eye on the Man Casserole though (Brady Quinn).

Do Not Touch - Matt Leinart (Warner is just better), Marc Bulger (he's too brittle), David Garrard (not enough attempts), Jeff Garcia (too many QB options in Tampa), and JaMarcus Russell (he's still a rookie in my book).

Finally, if you're subscribing to this bottom feeding QB theory this season, there is a cardinal rule to follow; you need at least two of these low round QBs that you believe will pan out. They certainly will not all work out and you'll need to play your matchups wisely. If you play your cards right though, you can win a championship this way.

As Promised, We're Back On The Air

That's right fellers, we're done slacking off for the summer and ready to come back to the blogosphere. The addiction is just too strong to stay away, so like any good crack head, we're back for more. We should at least return to a semi-regular posting schedule starting right this very instant. Actually, no promises, but we'll get back to at least a few good ones each week.

In the housekeeping department, we're starting to organize our fantasy leagues. I think we might have a slot or two available in our friends league, which I believe will be $100 bucks entry, ($750, $350, $150). Also, I am going to try a Big Ten only college fantasy league this year. I'm the only member so far, so whether or not we play for money is totally flexible. It does cost about twelve bucks to register a team with the site though. It's called U-Sport I believe. Shoot us email or leave a comment and we'll get you the info.

Anyway, it's good to be back. Hope some of you are still around.