Peace Out: Summer Break!!!

Don't be fooled; this is hardly the end. Life can get busy from time to time and everything comes at once. Therefore, every now and then it's good and relaxing to just sit back and take a much needed break. As evidenced by a slower slate of regular runs and um, half-assed efforts, Rupes and I have decided to take a quick breather. It's not quite an extended hiatus in the same breath as Phish. Rather, this is just a couple weeks to get caught up on things and chill out. Yup, were NOT, repeat NOT shutting down the doors.

Shit, Rupes is getting married in less than a month, so he's feeling about as spent as the Tigers bullpen. For me, it's just a casual vacation. Thanks for the support and fellowship of our readers... that's all 5 of you still following. Anyhow, the plan is to pick this project back up where it started in a few weeks. So, hang tight and enjoy the magical summer of Detroit sports, while we say "peace out" for a few. A good weekend to all.

The Deciding Vote: What's a Better Show, Heroes or Lost?

So, after years of talking shit about Lost being the best television show of all time and spitting phooey at Heroes fans, I finally succumbed to the pressure. Well, as you may expect, consider me converted. It's is a veritable force in TV Land and is in fact a worthy adversary for the noble title of the best TV show of all time. And do not get me wrong, this is not a title I throw around lightly. The only other shows that even received votes were 24 and DuckTales, but they didn't get many. Anyway, now that I am adequately addicted to both shows, it's time to decide which one is the best. We'll use the standard categories for which all shows and movies should be ranked and declare a winner.

Badasses

We'll I used to think Lost had a few more, but Locke has turned into a raging vag, which only leaves Desmond, Hurley, and Sawyer. Desmond isn't getting much airtime and Sawyer is relatively annoying even though his nicknames are sorta funny. Fortunately, Hurley and his epic VW scene raised the bar substantially.

Fortunately for Lost, the only real badass on Heroes is Hiro Nakamura, who is nearly badass enough to wipeout the whole Lost island, but his supporting is worse than LeBron's. Peter Petrelli is tolerable and Ando digs Internet strippers, but this one goes to Lost.

Lost: +1

Eye Candy

Lost should probably be able to squeeze this out solely based on the size of the cast, but there aren't any ringers. Kate is streaky as hell and too short, but definitely packs the most punch. Claire, Sun, Juliet, and the rest of them all fall somewhere between OK and bunk. I had really high hopes for Alex, but she's deader than a Virgin Records store.

Heroes may not have the numbers, but they have some real draws. Between Ali Larter and Hayden Panetierre, the rest is icing. Don't get me wrong, there's a few others of note, but who cares. This one is already in the bag.

Heroes: +1

Storyline:

Let's see, plane crashes, nobody dies, black smoky thing flies around, the island moves, some werid dude named Jacob has a cabin, unpregnant women reproduce, and magnets are important?

Or, a select group of humans represent the next link in the evolution of the human race. As natural selection takes it's course, these individuals must face off against natural selection to save the human race?

Heroes: +1

Fluff:

Perhaps it is true what they say, that the producers of Lost never told the writers how many seasons they had to go, hence that's the reason for so many fluff episodes over the years, but gimme a break. Every second episode from season two through four was a total dud. How many freaking characters can mysteriously show up on a deserted island? Heroes brings the heat every week.

Heroes: +1

Annoying Little Bitches

This is another tough battle. Lost has Locke, Jack, Benry (counts as about 15), and Claire with her stupid baby. Juliet is guilty as well, simply because she just won't get hot. It seems like she is going to, but can't quite make the move.

Heroes possesses no shortage either. We have Sylar, Mr. Bennett, Mohinder, and my least favorite of all, Mikah. Man do I hate Mikah. Any kid in a movie who tries to act old drives me nuts. I'm looking at you Haley Joel Osment.

Lost: +1

Character Development:

Lost owns this one, no contest. In fact, this category illustrates an area where Heroes actually tried to rip out a page from Lost's book, but doesn't do it quite as well, the flash forward. The Lost flashbacks and flash forwards are writing brilliance and are a good reason why this show kicks so much ass. Brilliant.

Lost: +1

Staying Power:

Lost is 5 seasons deep and still going strong, yet Heroes is just two deep and showing signs of cracking. Gotta go with Lost here.

And The Winner Is...

Lost wins, but only by one vote and it was close.

The real deciding vote comes after they both end, so this thing is not yet finished.

Life Imitates Art - Why Athletes Cheat

Here's one from the vault. Between work, matrimonial preparations, and summer laziness, we're a little slow these days.

Whether it be the meteoric rise of popularity for gangsta rap, the glamorization violence and drugs in the movies, or overtly sexual television shows marketed to teenagers, there exists a longstanding strong debate that kids imitate what the see in the media. Many people strongly believe that these mainstays of popular culture are influencing the nation's youth to have premarital sex, use drugs, speak fowl dialects, and even carry- or worse - use guns. It's an argument that wage forever as soccer moms and haters of the first amendment fight their perpetual war on "explicit content." While we're clearly all for free speech around here, but they do make a decent enough point. If kids witness this stuff on television and in the media, it normalizes to some extent and does in fact even glamorize it.

For the sake of this writing, let's just assume that these people are right. What we see on the media does in fact shape our behaviors and influence our society to behave like these pop culture icons. Perhaps, another example should be included in the debate that life imitates art. Given all of the cheating that goes on in sports movies, how can we not expect the same from our professional athletes? We have all grown up watching one sports movie after another here our hero of the story is a cheater. They not only make us root for the hero, but they go as far as to make the cheater the underdog in many cases.

It pretty much seems as though we hear about another cheater in pro sports everyday, whether it be Human Growth Hormone, Spygate, or other performance enhancing drugs, we should expect this. Just think about it, we have been inundated with the glory of cheating since the beginning of time. Hollywood loves and cheater, so why are we surprised to see real pros imitating those on the big screen. Just think back to all of your favorite sports movies - all cheaters.

Flubber - If any movie has ever glamorized cheating, Flubber would have to take the prize. Flubber is a scientifically concocted super substance by the absent minded professor that is essentially really bouncy. Thus, when you applied it to the shoes, you could get mad air. Even back in 1961, these super white basketball players were skying for dunks like Tom Chambers.

Be Like Mike - Another example of shoe cheating. I think since the 80's and early 90's, instances of shoe cheating have declined rapidly, but it's still a concern. In this instance, Calvin Cambridge hid the powers of the greatest basketball player in NBA history, Michael Jordan, in his shoes.

Angels in the Outfield - I think this might have been what Dock Ellis was doing when he tossed his No-No on acid. In this movie, the Angels were aided by imaginary angels that would lift them up and fly them over to tough fly balls to make key plays. They try to play it off like angels are good because they are from heaven and shit, but it's still cheating.

Happy Gilmore - Again, tough break underdog has to save grandma's house. Cry me a river. Every cheater has a story. Sure, I had a prescription for the HGH, because I have a pituitary gland problem. Hmmmm, so your online dentist prescribed you medicine for a pituitary deficiency? Well, same thing here. Just because you suck at hockey and have to help out grandma, doesn't mean you can use an illegal swing, running start, and a putter for the mentally ill.

Ladybugs - This is pretty sick. What kind of pervert dresses up like a girl to join an all girls soccer team. Sure, we'd all love to hang around the girls locker room and dress in cute pink panties, but there are lines you just don't cross.

Rookie of the Year - This kid couldn't even wait until he was an adult to cheat in the major leagues, he cheated at age 10. I can't blame him for the determination, but undergoing a medical operation to enhance arm strength is going too far to put a little more mustard on the Red Hot. Come on kids, with a balanced diet, a good weight room regimen, and good coaching, you can make the bigs without cheating.

The Mighty Ducks - Taking kids from other school districts and homeless drifters off the street? What's next, buying houses for athletes' families, high school recruiting, and shady "academic" scholarships? Oh wait, nevermind. Too late.

Teen Wolf - Just because Scott was not the most popular guy in school and the team was down on their luck, does not mean that a potentially violent werewolf with superhuman jumping ability, fangs, and sharp talons should be allowed to compete. That wolf was a loose cannon - spotted around town buying kegs for underage beer parties and surfing on top of motor vehicles. Besides, it's bad enough playing D against fat sweaty men, but a hairy wolf? That's unfair.

The Program - Lattimer was straight up junk. He cheated the most common way, injecting steroids. Nevertheless, we saw that by taking steroids you can get laid and then dwarf toss the girl when you're done to get her the fuck out. This is a glamorization of steroids of sorts as no men really want to cuddle after some hot action, so steroids apparently take care of that problem.

Gus - In this blatant violation of rules, the California Atoms employed a mule/mascot to kick field goals. According to the NFL Rule, Atricle XVII.3 - NFL players must be under all occasions upright standing Homo Sapiens with no more than two legs. Hooves are not means permitted. Despite a long litigious battle, it was however determined that feet with no toes are not considered hooves and may be used in field goal tries.

GoWF Sports Book Review

Today, we'd like to provide some review snippets for a handful of sports book we've read in the past few months. None of them are hot of the presses, but all are at least worthy of adding to your paperback collection.
The Blind Side, By Michael Lewis

Grade: A+

The Blind Side is Michael Lewis best sports book yet. The depth of homework we saw in the form of numbers and the history of Sabermetrics in Moneyball, translates to deep emotional connections within a family who raises a tragically poor offensive lineman in East Memphis. While learning of this touching story of Michael Oher, you take a deep look into the world of college football recruiting, but it never reads like a study in football. It reads like a great novel that just happens to teach you about college football.

The Education of a Coach, by David Halberstam

Grade: B

Ironically, this biography of Bill Belichick focuses a vast amount of it's pages detailing Belichick's obsession with video. Halberstam drills into the reader the monotonous hours of pouring over game film for 70-80 hours per week. This is where his greatness comes from according to Halberstam. Hmmmm, at the time of writing this was probably viewed much more complementary, but it just makes you laugh. Spygate anyone? Nevertheless, any serious football fan will appreciate hearing how Belichick ticks and importantly, how he broke his way into the inner circle of coaching.

Alice Cooper, Golf Monster: A Rock n Rollers 12 Steps to Becoming a Golf Addict, by Alice Cooper

Grade: B-

I picked this book up and starting perusing it in Barnes & Noble and started reading one day while my girlfriend was shopping next door. I got to thirteen pages, where I read these three lines and went straight to the checkout.

In our family, there three basic rules:

1. You had to be a democrat
2. You had to pull for the Tigers and Michigan Wolverines
3. You had to be American League

It turned out the be a good decision. Overall, I really enjoyed Alice's first novel. If you asked me at any point up until I reached the halfway point, I would have said it's an easy A. It starts off with great tales of his development into a wild man rock star, his live chicken antics, and encounters with the hard partying LA 60s scene, and even sharing a house with Pink Floyd.

Ultimately, this grows a little tiring unfortunately. Alice's attempt to continually make golf/rock comparisons gets really old after the 76th "In golf, as in rock n' roll" and that burst out of the gate ultimately sputters to the finish. His point is valid, that golf is his addiction and it saved his lifefrom his alcoholoism, but he simply overkills it. Still, this a fun book to read if you a fan of 1) Alice Cooper, 2) Rock History, or 3) golf. I classify only as #2 on that list and I still enjoyed the read. Don't expect to move mountains, but excpect to be entertained for a day on the beach.

Moneyball, by Michael Lewis

Grade: A-

Yeah, I just finally got around to reading this. You all know the story here. This is the book that really put sabermetrics on the map and furthered the cause for more precise statistical analysis in evaluating MLB prospect potential and likelihood for success. Michael Lewis is one of a kind. The depth of research in his books is truly striking. By the time you finish this book, you know Billy Beane personally. Shit, you practically know where Paul stores his excel files on his laptop. You also somehow root for the math geeks to overrun Major League Baseball. Overall, if you're like me and one of the 8 sports fans who has not read this yet, it really is a must read.

Ever Heard of a Helmet?

OK, We Really Want Boston!

On second thought…why not Boston? After all this is the same franchise that literally stole the 1987 Eastern Conference Finals from the Pistons, only to get smoked in the NBA Finals by the Lakers. Let me refresh your memory: “there’s as steal by Bird, underneath to D.J and he lays it in.” Yup, that play-by-play call is more haunting than any so-called “ghost of the Garden” many a young Piston fan would always hear about growing up. Regardless, the Celtics were our original hurdle, the original obstacle to overcome. They were the proverbial fork in the road that would ultimately re-shape the Pistons franchise and eventually lead to the Pistons winning Back-II-Back titles.

As much as I grew up despising the Celtics, it’s evident that Isiah and company needed the Celtics as a roadblock in order to climb the mountain. They were better for it and it made the taste of victory that much sweeter. To conquer the beast has always been more gratifying in Sports than anything else. Years later, Jordan had to beat the Pistons to clear his own path to destiny. You could even argue that last season LeBron James was brushing aside the Pistons as his own roadblock.

Anyhow, the present tense Celtics team is hardly a tradition. As much as Kevin Garnett would love for everyone to believe who woke up bleeding Celtic pride, it’s still a heap of bull shit if you ask me. The chest pounding, the psychotic stare and jersey popping…it’s all just a fucking show. Sadly enough, Garnett’s insistent talk about “what it would mean to win” and yada yada yada has turned me off to ever rooting for the guy again. I hope anybody, but Garnett wins for the simple spite of it all. The Gatorade commercial would lead you to believe he’s a life long Celtic who transcends the franchise and hung a shit load of banners in the rafters. Good god, KG…give it a rest, nobody can stand you anymore.

Where was I? Right, this current Celtics regime is hardly the Celtics of old. However, it’d hard not to turn on the memory flood when you think about all the classic Pistons/Celtics battles of the 80’s. The fights, the punches, the elbows…all the essentials of two teams that hated each other. And the games were simply phenomenal to watch. Sure, I hated Bird, Ainge, Parish, McHale and the whole Celtic roster, but like any rivalry…we needed them as much as they needed us.

If the teams meet, it will hardly be the days of old. However, there will still be something to prove. The Pistons have always thrived in the under dog, "nobody respects us card." It's when they are the favorites that they've tended to gag on their own press clippings. Well, considering we all had to suffer through an entire season of Celtic BJ-fest...I'd say the Pistons will certainly have a chip. For the first time in years the Pistons were able to hover and stay off the radar. Of course, the Celtics completely hogged the spotlight, but that's all just fine.

Rasheed Wallace mentioned that a Championship team can't be made in the off-season, it takes a team going to war together. Judging from what we've seen from the Celtics during the post-season...they may be a year away and um...a war away. That's just what we could expect...a seven game war. Maybe not quite like the old days, but damn close. Here's to rekindling a rivalry and stamping out any hopes that jackass Garnett has for a Championship. Why not? bring it on Celtics.

Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #5

Tripping Over A Crack In the Sidewalk

It's hard to gauge which situation is more awkward, the mid-conversation with the colleagues biff where everyone consoles you and asks if you are alright or the solo stub where you have nobody to even react to your spastic walking habits besides people just looking at you with a grimace. At least with the mid-conversation biff you can laugh at yourself and change the subject, so I'd say it's the solo stub. Either way, you go to the penalty box and you feel shame.

We Want Cleveland!

Yup, that’s right. This Eastern Conference Finals thing has gone beyond just the norm; it’s simply a foregone conclusion. It’s the inherited right of the Detroit Pistons and us the fans. Despite how the presses continue to spin the eventual demise of Detroit Basketball; Joe Dumars just keeps breathing new life into the legacy of this era. Then again, just what is the legacy of this era of Detroit Basketball? We’ve cemented our place and reputation under the model of consistency. Yet, when is good simply not good enough?

When you stop and think about it, the Pistons still only have one Championship banner hanging from this era, although perhaps were just a Robert Horry triple away from hanging a second. Watching that banner slip through the finger tips served to invigorate this group with the hopes and expectations to ascend to the throne once again. However, the flip side has merely resulted in the Pistons transforming into the NBA’s version of the Atlanta Braves. Always close enough to sniff the perfume or get the phone number, but never quite good enough to get the chick in bed.

The difference within the Pistons is success has bred altered perceptions. That is in the sense of the players themselves, losing the chip on their shoulders and their edge at times. Essentially, turning off the gas pedal and not giving a worthy opponent their due respect. You may have heard something along those lines referred to as “flipping the switch.” It’s been the mantra or dare I say excuse for this group ever since they came so close to clinching title #2 during Game 7 at San Antonio in 2005. In fewer words, they’ve had this preconceived notion that simply deserved and belonged in the NBA Finals.

Well, that hasn’t happened recently and the Stones can only blame themselves for those shortcomings. The Pistons let Miami slip past them in 2006, because of internal chemistry reaching a melting point. Last season, the Pistons dissed Cleveland at every turn of the corner, failed to acknowledge the worthy challenge, let a rookie reign on their parade and before you knew it fell victim to a virtuoso LeBron performance in Game 5. Joe Dumars made it abundantly clear at the onset of this post-season that anything less than the NBA Finals would be a failure after letting two golden opportunities evaporate.

So, here we are back in the Eastern Conference Finals and opportunity is knocking on the door once again. Insert Cleveland. Yes, that’s right…we want the Cavs in all their glory. We want the Cavs to dispel the bitterness of last season, to prove it was a fluke. To prove that we are still hungry, to prove that we can “flip the switch” and to close the door on an inferior opponent. And let’s face it; the Pistons had ever opportunity to close the door on the Cavs last season.

As per usual they cockily strutted into Cleveland for Games 3 & 4, ironically though they had every conceivable chance to win both games. However, it was LeBron and some dude the Cleveland fans were calling “Boobie” that put the closing moves on the Pistons, instead of vice versa. If we’d learned anything up those games, it was always the Pistons who were known for closing games down the stretch. Questions of turmoil began to fester and it was much too late for the Pistons to regroup by the time LeBron unleashed his performance for the ages. The Pistons simply couldn’t recover, nor did it seem as if they had the urgency to recover.

They looked for scapegoats, looked to blame officials, began with “we’re tired” excuses, basically anything to avoid acknowledging that they had been outdone by a King and his jesters. Many will point to LeBron’s dunk over Sheed near the end of Game 3 that changed the tide of the series and they are probably correct. However, weren’t the Pistons supposed to be the veteran group that could move on and re-group? Well, enough about hammering on what happened last year, fast forward to the present.

The Pistons are better than the Cavs, bottom line. Sure, the Cavs have LeBron who is hands down the most dangerous player on the court at any given time. However, no offense to the Cavs roster, but the odor lingers like a stale fart. Seriously, you have to be delusional not to think otherwise. It’s not meant to be a slight or geared to enrage the “Rise Up” nation. Rather, it’s an honest observation and argument that I’ve had plenty of times with my buddies who live solely for the entity that is LeBron James and Cleveland.

How LeBron James is able to fend off the urge to demand an upgrade is beyond me. He’s hardly playing with a stacked deck of cards, as Kobe now can boast. LeBron is fascinating, a made prodigy come true and he’s dragged this cast of misfits damn close to the finish line. You just have to ask yourself; would any of these guys start for any other team remaining in the Playoffs? I rest my case.

That all said…Cleveland has done everything to copy the model of the Pistons. From building around defense and cast-offs to arena antics. They even have their own pseudo “Mason” as the PA announcer. The player introductions are something Dan Gilbert has practically replicated from Detroit. It’s comical that this Detroit business man has pulled out all the similar theatrics of the Pistons. I can’t wait for the day we hear the chant “CLEVELAND BASKETBALL!!!” The Cavs even plucked longtime Detroit Sports Net announcer Fred McLeod.

In actuality, all these things are great, because they spill over into the ongoing rivalry. And despite what Rasheed Wallace would like to believe this is indeed a rivalry. This time around the Pistons will come with something to prove. There will be no excuses and no worries of taking the Cavs for granted. It’s almost as if we need the Cavs, as much as they want us. The motivation, the hunger it’s all there and we all know Sheed is more than ready to challenge his old buddy Ben Wallace. Is it enough to ensure a guarantee the Pistons will prevail this time around?

Absolutely not. As long as LeBron James looms over this series, there should always be fear. However, that’s not to say we don’t want the Cavs. Shit, Piston fans have been waiting almost 365 days for a chance to rectify the situation. This is what we want and we want it bad. So, here’s to pulling for Cleveland to "rise up" and finish off the Celtics, giving us all a refreshing dose of this rivalry. Bring it on Cavs.

Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #4

Getting Strip Searched

You might not believe me when I tell you this, but I speak from experience here. It's true, my friends and I had to get naked on the way to Canada once over a college spring break. Fortunately, we were clean as the floor in a West Village Taco Bell. Nevertheless, once you have been strip searched, you're changed. Contrary to popular belief, there is actually no probing, but the the inspectors do stand behind a table (yep, there's 2 of em) and instruct you to remove each piece of clothing one at time and then place it on the table. Upon massaging every single article of clothing, they kindly send you on your way for a nice three hours of silence in the car before you realize you just just wrote one of the better stories in your personal storybook.

Badly-Concieved Sports Movies

With Tom Cruise's movie "Valkyrie" being postponed until 2009 due to production problems and lackluster test audience response, you've really got to wonder who thought a movie about Hitler's assassination was a good idea.

The only way you can do a good Nazi movie is just have Harrison Ford kick the crap out of large bald German men who end up getting chopped up by an airplane propeller. Anything other than that is just stupid.

Also, for Tom to do a movie like this, with all the "credibility" problems he's been having, it's just a rotten cherry on top.

And that got me thinking about movie ideas, sports movies in particular, and ideas that just shouldn't be green lighted for production.

The Roger Clemens Story

The guest appearance from Hanna Montana's lead star might be a little much.

Rudy 2: The 2007 Notre Dame Irish

With Hank Hill from "King of the Hill" playing Charlie Weis, this would prove to be one of the most depressing over-dog movies of all-time.

Danica Patrick: Racing for Gold

... and running into pit crew members.

O.J. Simpson's "I Did It" in movie form

Once again, O.J. keeps managing to prove his innocence.

Art Shell: A Coaching Story

The problem would be coming up with an actor that could look perpetually confused for two straight hours on film.

The 2004 Seattle Mariners

Watch this epic film about how the Mariners avoided losing 100 games by losing 99 games instead.

The Marv Albert Story

Please god, no.

Why the Miami Dolphins suck

Could rival the Lord of the Rings trilogy as the longest movie of all time. It would be a comedy of course, staring Fran Drescher as Bill Parcells.

For more posts from the man with the van, stop by Just South of North.

Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #3

The Snowplow

I suppose we can cut a little slack for those readers who utilize the snowplow, because they are: a) one and half years old or b) preparing to rip a sicky-sicky gnar Johnny Mosely Dinner Roll, but broadly speaking if you are using the snowplow, you're done. I suppose it is an effective way to learn to ski, but if it's beyond 2:30 pm on your first day and you are still using the plow, you should take up snowboarding. The whole resort will thank you, because it is both painful and awkward to watch you. If you do insist upon utilizing the snowplow, go for the gusto; ditch the poles and torpedo down the mountain until you take someone out. At least that way, you might end up on youtube.

Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing #2

Standing Next to Your Husband at the Podium While He Submits His Resignation

Brain: Just stand here and smile, OK? OK. Wait, no it’s not fucking OK. That little skinny little prick just barebacked a lousy whore who is half my age while I sat at home and pleasured myself with a goddamn vibrator that reeks like old roast beef. Weird, he totally looks like one of the mice from that movie, Flushed Away.

Reporter: And Mrs. Spitzer, what is your reaction to the news of Elliot’s infidelity? Mrs. Spitzer? Silda?

Brain: Wake the fuck up, he's talking to you. Just smile and say the line already.

Silda Spitzer: I stand by my husband.

Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing #1

Just as the summer rut seemed to be setting in, I think we just got the little spark we needed. We're kicking off a new ongoing feature. It's called, yep you guessed it, "Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing." We're gonna tear through these till we get bored of it, but the idea is 100 right now. Also, we're taking submissions to, so feel free to email us at waynefontesghost (at) gmail.com if you have a funny one. Anyway, here goes the first one.

Smoking 100s

For the women, look it’s not 1987, nobody sells cigarettes in metal containers, and most people think Benson & Hedges were the black guys on 227. Smoking 100s looks dumb for you, but what’s worse; it’s ultimately going to lead to men smoking them. Men smoking 100s is one of the more awkward looking things on Earth. It’s up there with the feeling we get when we try on the tight ass Seven Jeans that our girlfriends buy us, because they think will look good. Neither of these things looks good.

What Has Gotten Into Johan Franzen?

With 27 goals in his last 27 games, Johan Franzen and the Red Wings finally have sports fans taking notice to the NHL Playoffs. Franzen has ascended from mass anonymity to the league's most unlikely superstar. The Wings have barreled over everything in their path behind Franzen's record-setting offense. The question remains, what the hell has gotten into this unknown, previously defensive-minded lethal weapon?

1) Johan is annoyed that his publishers keep making him add the letters "nat" to his first name in all of political satire novels.

2) He desperately wants to get his overall rating in NHL 2009 into the nineties.

3) Still pissed off about the banning of the octopus twirling at home games.

4) Would prefer the nickname, "the Locust" to the "Mule" or "Franzenstein" any day.

5) Thinks he gets to drive this sweet dump truck when he wins the Conn Smythe.

6) When he looked through the record books, he was sick and tired of the missing "E" in Petr Klima's name.

7) He always wanted to use the pickup line, "Have you ever ridden a mule?"

8) He finally realized what coach Mike Babcock was talking about when he kept giving him the "green light."

9) Still bitter that Ross McKeon revoked Detroit's Hockeytown status and gave it to St. Paul.

10) He just has that killer Swedish work ethic.

Links of the Week

Well it's another day, another dollar, and another Friday finally. We'll cut to the chase, because it's a stormy one out there today. We'll kick it off with another hot underrated 80s video and head straight to the links. Enjoy your weekend folks and we'll see ya next week. Without further ado, this is Taco Ockerse and just like these neon-clad clowns, he's "Super Duper."



Phil Bronstein, a former Hunter S. Thompson editor, provides a nice little memoir of the madman at SF Chronicle. If you didn't know, Hunter provided that fine little quote on our GoWF banner up at the top of the page.

The guys at Rumors and Rants are keeping tabs on Rudy's finances, which thankfully, are fine.

One Droo Hill updated the United Countries of Baseball Map that went around about a year ago. Looks pretty solid and the color scheme is nice too.

Busted Coverage drummed up a new picture of an inebriated Kyle Orton, which people always seem to enjoy. Who would have ever thought a rich 25 year-old kid who doesn't get any playing time would get drunk and hit on girls?

The Sports Diva over at Epic Carnival is keeping tabs on Shaq's crime fighting career now that he moved to Phoenix... And that gives me an idea for next week.

Foul Balls found a clip of Barkley reading "I'm a dumbass" off the teleprompter.

G Money debates the worst sons of all time in his Thursday Debate. Those Reid kids look like a couple of dicks don't they?

Finally, the Sports Hernia runs through the root causes of all of A-Rod's fainting spells. I know how you feel A-Rod. The first time I heard 525,600 Minutes, I totally lost it too.

That Bad, Eh?

There is certainly no love lost around these parts when it comes to the Detroit Lions. Sure, we stand by our dung-heap team for the most part, but we'll happily dish our helpings of mean-spirited criticism to the most-mismanaged sports franchise in the history of the world.

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Well, according to this Fox Sports poll, which at last count had tallied over 53,000 votes, the Detroit Lions are the worst professional sports franchise in all of sports. We knew they were awful, but even we wouldn't have suspected the worst in all of sports.

Note: The voter's poll ranks them #1, while the writer slotted them at a much more respectable 5th worst.

The Detroit Lions are perpetually in a three-to-five year rebuilding plan, but they rarely get out of year one. The Lions have never played in the Super Bowl and have had just one playoff win since 1957. Part of the problem has been thrifty ownership, but don't discount their ability to make some of the worst personnel decisions in the NFL.

Puzzling personnel plays: Drafting Reggie Rogers, Andre Ware, Aaron Gibson, Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams.

Remember ... 2001: Head Coach Marty Mornhinweg benched starting quarterback Charlie Batch after he was sacked seven times in the season opener. Mornhinweg then put in Ty Detmer, who proceeded to throw seven interceptions against the team from which he was acquired, the Cleveland Browns — and Mornhinweg stuck with Detmer the next game. The Lions finished the season with only two wins.

Shouldn't there be some sort of statute of limitations that front offices are only allowed a grand total of three rebuilding phases before it becomes seriously detrimental to the well-being of the local citizens?

Thanks Scrodnals for the tip.

The 7th Jammy Awards Are History

I had a really good feeling going into last night. You know, about those Jammy Awards I’ve been raving about the last couple weeks? It started on the train ride home from work when I had one of those bizarre moments where the stars seem like they lined up and everything is falling perfectly into place. I cranked up the Antelope from Virginia Beach (8/9/98) to get riled up. Needless to say, the Antelope did the trick, but it was the Brian and Robert that followed where I started feeling that something big was going down. Gazing out the window, the view perfectly narrated the lyrics to the song.

First, the “If you’re just staring at your walls” lines kicked in just as this segment of Harlem (or the Bronx) appears where the walls of all these old buildings are adorned with incredible graffiti. I’m not talking about the average tags, but real murals and it goes on for a few hundred yards. Next, just as the next line sounded - “If children playing all around… To you is noise, not pleasant sound. Then this one is for you.” – the train sped by a group of little leaguers in the heat of their ballgame. At this point, I started thinking, “it’s on tonight. The Phish are coming back.” Finally, when I hit the subways, this dude I normally can’t stand - a tight leather clad Gustavo who plays this neon violin and looks like Kenny G - was ripping through Sweet Child of Mine. This dude usually plays horrible shit and kicks his leg about once every 15 seconds as if there is a spider crawling towards his balls and he cannot use his hands to rid himself of the intruder.

You get the idea; it felt like one of those nights where something monumental was going to go down. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out as planned. The Phish came out and accepted their award as a band, but there was no reunion in the form of bass, guitar, keys and drums; just the four band members and some speeches. Still, while the hopes were probably set a little too high, the night was incredible nonetheless. What seemed like a high cost for an awards show at $80 for floor seats, in retrospect was a bargain. We saw Trey dust off the Languedoc and rip through a trio of Beatles tunes with the Fab Faux. Page played Magilla and Car, Trucks, Buses with a handful of badass negroes who teleported in directly from 1927.

For everything else that went down, you have two choices: A) Read this take on it, because it’s funny and I am secretly the financial advisor in the story (No, not really you idiots) or B) keep reading.

Best Dress: Of Grace Potter’s three lovely ensembles, the award goes to that first one. It was black and flowy with some nice slutty boots. I actually found myself drawing Heidi Klum comparisons. Grace was a good choice for a hostess - as was Warren - and she handled her duties on the keys quite well with Rose Hill Drive and Leslie West.

Most Likely to Boost Hearing Aid Sales: Leslie West of Mountain Fame brought the heat in the form of some loud ass blues guitar. After blowing through his first two tunes, you could see West say to himself, "fuck it, let’s get louder” and he cranked up his Fender amp a couple more notches. This guy is a fucking badass, but I'm totally deaf in one ear today thanks to him.

Best Dis of the Night: No, it wasn’t Phish. It was Chevy Chase and his triple deke fake out handshake that he pulled on Warren Haynes after his performance with Keller Williams. He also brought a little comedy to his playing by repeatedly pretending he could catch his grip in his whistling and just blowing air repeatedly. You know how when you have Saltine Crackers in your mouth and try to whistle, you can’t do it. He kept doing that over and over. I found that amusing. He’s definitely a decent piano player too. While it kind of lacked energy, their lounge take on You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Women, Take the Money and Run, and Sweet Home Alabama were all cool arrangements and good fun.

Best Time To Drain the Lizard: Any Award presentation. Does anybody actually care about these awards? After Umphrey’s won best Live Album, one of the presenters (Grace I think) mentioned that they had already smashed it backstage. I don’t doubt that for a second. Good excuse to throw a party though.

Most Unsung Hero: While I thoroughly enjoyed Rose Tree Hill once they fired it up a little, the award goes to Allie Kral of Cornmeal. She patiently waited her turn amidst Tea Leaf Green and Big Head Todd and once she got her space to rip; it was the only time this segment was even remotely interesting. Big Head Todd is a giant tool by the way.

Most Random Thing That Made Me Old Lady Happy: For some reason far beyond my knowledge, my fiancé loves the Squeeze and especially, the tune “Pulling Mussels From A Shell.” I think she was the only person in the theater dancing during this song, so that is always worthy of the highlight reel.

Best Use of a Magic Carpet: Kyle’s Hollingsworth’s shirt.

Best Illustration of How White Jamband Fans Are: Probably the quintessential highlight of the night came when Doug E. Fresh and the dude from Jurassic 5 hit the stage. The Doug E. Fresh rhythm ping pong match with Stanton Moore was worth the price of admission and the $140 worth of Bud Light. Man can that dude beat box. Charli2na also has the coolest voice in the history of hip hop, hands down. I said it, so it’s true. Don’t argue with me.

Most Surprising Thing about the Theater at Madison Square Garden: I don’t remember this at all from the other two times I’ve been to the theater, but they have a separate entrance for floor and seated tickets. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see half of our friends at all. I guess it’s good to keep the stubbing down situation to a minimum, but this sucked.

Most Anticlimactic, Totally Fucking Awesome, Yet Massively Disappointing Ending: The ending. I’m not sure how Wilson > Antelope > 2001, and Maze could feel like a bummer, but it did. And don’t get me wrong, because Jake, Barber, Brownie, Kyle Hollingsworth, and Russo killed this stuff. It just really felt like the Phish were gonna rock. Plus, while the setlist looks ridonkulouso, all of these tunes had a feeling of barreling through to finish in a timely manner. There wasn’t much exploration. Oh well, no complaints here by any means. All in all, it was a great time full of cool collaborations and excellent music. You just can’t help feeling a teeny-tiny tad bit bummed out after this wild ride.

Photo credit: Reax Magazine

The J.J Redick Diary: Game 3 - Behind the Bench

Editors Note: Continuing the tradition of rare insights and in-depth analysis from the bench, it's every body's favorite...J.J Redick, the diary. Of course, between you and me this is all just another lame attempt to kick the dude, while he's down. Yup, it's not real. Thought I'd mention that disclaimer. Here's how it all started. Regardless, let's dive right into the thoughts that drive our buddy J.J while day dreaming for his glory days.

'Sup bitches? Coming live at you tonight in street clothes. Excuse me; these are hardly "street" clothes. We're talking custom Armani suit, once worn Cole Hanns. Trust me, I look much better in person than on TV or than any of you for that matter. If the camera pans our direction you'll catch me behind the bench tonight. Yup, I'm in my observatory/scouting role. Reason being...your guess is as good as mine. Yet, I won't delve too deep into that. Just got a beep and it's mom, look to the left and give a wave. Yes, I said beeper...cause that's how I roll these days. Take your fucking sidekick's and blackberry's and shove them up your ass.

Focusing on this game is hard nails. Do I really give a damn? Maybe, because Coach always told me to care about the team. I dread the Pistons and not cause they scare me, rather I loathe everything about this team. In case you don't follow, we are down 0-2 in the series and without my aid...could very well fall to 0-3 tonight. Again, I don't make the executive decisions around this place.

Phew, the team has started the game guns blazing. Of course, I'm too busy scouring the crowd to see if there is a single piece of vag I'd consider going 90 on. This is the fucking "O-rena" what else would expect other than a bunch of senior citizens with canes and walkers? Talk about a lively bunch, we're up by 17 and you can hear Marv Albert and Reggie Miller announcing the game for TNT over the dull roar we call a crowd. Of course, I could be the "cocoon" for this place to breathe new life into this sorry crowd.

Do you like me with the new spikehawk or did I look better with the buzz? Well, go ahead and cast a vote on my facebook page. I have to post a poll first, but I'll hit it up tonight after the game. Send me a friend request and I'll evaluate. Down goes Chauncey and the only thing I can hope is that he doesn't return, so we all will never have to hear that fuckstick of an announcer Mason in Detroit go "Ba-Ba-Billups." Is there any PA announcer in the NBA more played out? You know what would sound good? Ra-Ra-Reddick with the triple.

Well, the story is they brought in Rashard Lewis to be my mentor. The only teaching that's been going on is the world famous Redick "splash and dash" in practice. That's just the type of shit you don't hear about on TNT or read about in the papers or on any shitty blogs. Again, I'm not going to piss and moan. Nope, I'm just biding my time until the off-season when I force Orlando's hand and demand a trade. I need to find a team that can use the services of the greatest shooter on the mother fucking planet.

I know you can hear me fat fuck, because I'm thinking out loud in my head. Yeah, that's right Van Gundy...I'm referring to you pork chop. Look, I haven't a clue who this Ron Jeremy dude is, because I don't watch porn. However, if he really is as fat and ugly as Van Lamb Rack...I can't possibly imagine the caliber of pooty that would actually sleep with that. Shit, I hope I remembered to TIVO the "Real World" tonight. Where was I?

Yup, Maurice "fucking" Evans gets PT over me. I'm at the same loss as you folks are. 3rd quarter and it's getting close, hmm like Sheed says "our booty holes don't get tight." I'll share a little secret just between you and I; I'm wearing my uniform under this suit. My Duke uniform...fag. I'll rip this fucking suit off at the drop off a hat and make it rain so hard Orlando-ites will have to evacuate due to severe flooding. Cocky? No, honest.

How a punk like Rip Hamilton is able to make it in this league, yet I can't simply fascinates me. If it takes a mask to prove my worth in the NBA, seriously...I'll wear a fucking gimp mask. You mean to tell me you can't see me weaving in and out of screens and then ripping my own splasher? Yeah, thought so.

Ball game. Thanks for coming Detroit. No need to panic in Orlando...just yet. I still haven't gotten word if they want me to suit up for Game 4. Stay tuned. For now, pussy calls...J-Reds...OUT!

2-1: Observations & Sheed Animosity

Well, the Pistons came and went quickly in Game 3. It seemed as if it was over before it ever really started. And now, we must suffer a series of questions about whether Flip has control? Or is the team crumbling? Can they turn it on? Are they old? Are they bored? Do they care? What's up with Chauncey? Will they fire Flip? What the fuck? Yup, on and on...it will surely go from now until Saturday, despite the fact that's one mere game.

However, before I dip a little into observations on the events of Game 3 it should be noted that this loss was expected. Yes, unlike the die hard homer fan that fails to admit their team is vulnerable, it's time to face reality. And that being that these Pistons can be beat on any night. They aren't invincible and they probably snuck one out in Game 2. So, to consider tonight's game a complete shock is absurd. If I had no allegiance to the Pistons, I would've hammered the Magic on the spread without hesitation. Does it mean they are toast? Absolutely not. Does it mean there is a shitload of pressure on them for Game 4? You bet your ass.

That said, let's dig into what went right and what went wrong; along with simple observations from your resident now "heavily intoxicated" Piston fan.

The Sheed Animosity: Another series, more hatred for Rasheed. Sure, I understand the hate, but it's comical to hear opposing teams fans claim he sucks. Apparently, those folks hardly have a clue as to what they are talking about. Is the guy volatile? Yes. Does he have numerous temper tantrums where you are like "what the fuck"? Of course, but the dude simply plays hard...all the time. Then again, Piston fans can sense the envy.

Homecourt: The Magic shooters felt a little more at home. That was to be expected. However, this is hardly an arena that should phase the Pistons. They've won in much more difficult venues. You had to somehow think that nature would take it's course and the Pistons 9 game Playoff winning streak against the Magic would come to an end. The "blazing" shooting to start the game for the Magic set the pace the Pistons could never recover from. Consider that home cooking.

Rashard Lewis: Mis-match. The Magic found a kink in the Pistons defense and picked at it like a scab. Rasheed Wallace, bless his heart, can't cover Rashard Lewis. He's too quick on the perimeter and keeps Sheed off the blocks for defensive rebounds. Of course, if Sheed leaves Lewis to help on Howard...that spells doom. I've got nothing in terms of how they resolve this problem. That's why I don't get paid to drink and watch the game.

Rip Hamilton: You're in denial if you think Rip shot the Pistons back into the game. Rip has gotta go!!! He's shooting around 34% for the series and his timely poor decisions and/or bad shot selection never get a mention. What...are you afraid to pick on a guy that wears a mask? Great, he scored 20 tonight...much better than his 4 for 18 in Game 2. However, I'll give you 3 critical points Rip left on the table. Late in the third quarter he led a 3-on-1 fast break only to turn the ball over. A few seconds later he missed a free throw. Without those mistakes -- we are tied going into the 4th. Would it have made a difference? Probably not, but I'm sick of Rip.

Tayshaun: He's shooting 60% in the Playoffs. How about getting him the pill just a little bit more? I'm talking to you Rip.

Dwight Howard: Again, the Stones have simply no answer for Howard. However, we should've known that coming into this series. Maxiell, Ratliff and McDyess are throwing everything and every foul they can at the big man, but there won't be resolve. It's time to face up and focus on blanketing the rest of his teammates and try, just try to box him out to avoid the offensive rebounds. Is it Amir Johnson time?

Chauncey: Losing him obviously changed the complexion of the game. Coming into this series the Pistons key match-up advantage was going to be Billups vs. Nelson. Without Billups we lost a key cog to our offensive game plan and Nelson was able to dribble, drive, facilitate and shoot with much greater ease.

Rodney Stuckey: Balls. The kid came off the bench to replace Chauncey quite admirably. He was hardly perfect, but he was better than we could've imagined. They say Joe Dumars drafts a certain mold of player and we got a glimpse last night into Joe D's vision. Stuckey will be around for quite sometime and eases the burden of an aging team that could be on it's last leg.

Game 4: Needless to say...it's huge. The Pistons can ill afford to have this series drag out, nor allow the Magic to push them to the brink. That said, it's certainly not going to be easy. An inspired Game 3 from the Magic was to be expected. However, let's all just relax and not press the panic button. Sure, there are worries about Chauncey, but let's wait and see. Of course, if they happen to lose Game 4...then it's probably time to worry.

See you Saturday.

Five Hours and Counting Down!

It's less that 300 minutes until the Jammy's start and the poo starts spraying from my butt into my pants. The lineup and stacked this year and the rumors are flying high (perhaps with some help from us). Frankly, I'm totally content with the announced lineup, but I would be lying if I said I am not hoping for a Phish reuniting of some sort. Regardless, I'll be sure to write a nice juicy review later this week (hopefully by tomorrow, but work is busy as a mofo lately). And hopefully I'll remember to bring a camera for once, but I can't promise anything, because I'm dumb.

The big dilemma now if should I head straight to the Garden and sport the business casual or haul ass home before and change? Oh man, I'm so nervous.

Nifty Fantasy Game for the Playoffs

Any die hard fantasy loyalists know that there is really a void of fantasy sports during the NBA playoffs. Sure, the pick 'em thing might be mildly entertaining if you put some money on the line, but the actual game is not fun at all. There is no ongoing activity whatsoever. You simply pick your winners at the beginning and hope it falls into place.

Well, I recently learned of a pretty cool new game to run during the NBA playoffs. At this point, you have to do it manually, because no sports websites run it electronically yet, but hopefully it will catch on soon. Either way, it is pretty simple, so shouldn't be too stressful on the administrator.

How does it work?

The league runs through a four round draft of individual players much like any other fantasy draft. The difference is you are drafting solely based on points. Specifically, the goal is to rack up the most points with your four players when the NBA Finals conclude. Upon first glance, this probably seems simple and rather un-fun.

But, the trick is that not only are you trying to draft the top scorers, but you are also making bets on who is going to make a long run in the playoffs. For example, you wouldn't want to draft Allen Iverson or Chris Bosh too early, because few people would likely expect their respective teams to advance more than two rounds. So, the scoring ability is important, but the quality of the team is probably even more important.

Unfortunately, I learned of the game too late for this seasons playoffs, but assuming we started this thing before playoffs commenced, here is how I would envision a twelve team first round playing out:

1) Kobe Bryant
2) Kevin Garnett
3) Paul Pierce
4) Ray Allen
5) Lebron James
6) Chris Paul
7) Tim Duncan
8) Chauncey Billups
9) Rip Hamilton
10) Amare Stoudamire
11) Pau Gasol
12) Steve Nash

That's just a top of the head quick run through, but I assume you get the idea when you see three Celtics and two Pistons in the top twelve how to think about this draft. The real interesting picks will come in the later rounds however. You will be more apt to see names like Tyson Chandler, Tayshaun Prince, and Jordan Farmar as opposed to ones like Carmelo Anthony or Joe Johnson.

Many apologies for not spitting out this post about two weeks ago, but better late than never. I was thinking about whether or not it would make sense to try to concoct a league like this even now that we are in the midst or round two, but it's probably too late. Nevertheless, we'll try to think of a crafty varietal of this idea when the baseball playoffs roll around. Regardless, pocket this one for next year and keep your eyes peeled for some websites to start offering this, because I think it is a pretty excellent idea.

Break up the Spurs!

I'm waiting for ESPN.com's first "The Spurs are for real in the playoffs" column after they hand another western conference team their butts in a low-scoring exhibition that is about as exciting as the Home Shopping Network.

If the NBA wants to continue to increase its popularity after the power-vacuum left by the retirement of Michael Jordan, they're going to have to do something about the Spurs.

I don't care if it takes a referee conspiracy or a video-taping scandal, but these guys have to stop winning.Why? Aren't they all the things you look for in a good team? Unselfish stars, solid fundamentals and no trouble off the court. Please. That's not why Americans watch pro sports.

The Spurs suck for several reasons:

(1) They give every Hoosier-wannabe in the state a chance to rant about how fundamental basketball should be played and complain about how much showboating and dunking have taken over the game. My advice to you: go back to Indiana, find yourself a nice farmhouse, put up all your high school basketball photos on the fireplace mantel and stop talking about your team's sixth-place finish in the state regional.

(2) Their main star, Tim Duncan, debates every single foul that's called against him. The NBA isn't Judge Judy, Tim. Everything doesn't need to be a debate. As far as the quiet star's reputation goes, just mic him up after a whistle is blown and see how quickly that dissipates.

(3) Manu Ginobili: worst thing to ever happen to the NBA. Wasn't he in the show "Perfect Strangers?"

(4) So many more cities have much more deserving fan bases. San Antonio is known for its bowling alleys and retirement communities. Attendance increases at Spurs games when they have bingo night. Somebody throw Milwaukee a bone, or maybe Atlanta. San Antonio? The city in the United States that has the heaviest concentration of Elk clubs? Are you serious?

(5) Bandwagon fans have embraced the Spurs with open arms. In the last 10 years, they've won four NBA Championships.

Reaaaaal hard to get behind that team.

The Spurs need to be broken up or moved to Oklahoma City so the Sonics don't have to. At least Seattle fans occasionally tune in to their team's playoff games. San Antonio fans are too busy watching the History Channel.

As always, you eat some more of Brandon's cooking over at Just South of North.

2-0: Observations from the Winners Circle

The Detroit Pistons are sitting firmly in the drivers seat in their quest for a 6th consecutive Eastern Conference Finals...or so we'd all seem to assume. I'm never the fan that likes to get too over optimistic we are going to fucking sweep them, rather I like to keep a level head. Unless of course, I'm proclaiming the end after a tough road loss, but anyway. That said; here are just the humble opinions and post-game analysis from a desperate deranged fan like myself. Take what you will from Game 2.

Dwight Howard: Dude. Dunk. Hard. Yes, as frustrated as he may be with the pesky Piston defense...there's no denying Dwight Howard is simply a MAN child. Should we fear that he only put up a 20 & 18? Jesus is just alright with Dwight.

Controversy: Stan Van Gundy was at such la oss immediately following the game he practically had to be restrained from the referees. Was he going to go for the ankles? If you caught the TNT camera; he mouthed the words "that's fucking bullshit." Poor hedgehog...he has a long running bitterness and history with the Pistons. Can't wait until he calls them whiners...AGAIN.

Rip: I'll probably say this again, as I have for the last 3 years, but if the Pistons are to disband after this season...he should be the first to go. Rip laid a solid foundation from the field last night, as he did everything in his power to shoot the Stones out of the game. Then again, check back with me if Rip torches the Magic in Game 3.

Rasheed Wallace: Fascinating, simply fascinating. He's "probably" going to retire as a Piston and he'll no doubt go in my FAVE 5 Pistons EVER!!! That said; expect a live Sheed blog in the coming weeks. Yup, just a live blog with everything Sheed says or does during a game. Can't wait.

Jason Maxiell: Eats babies. And continues to chop down on Superman's inadequate lower extremities. (He said it...not me). Worthy note; have you seen Maxiell pop off those screens and drain jumpers. Let's stick with this development.

Trash Talk: Rashard Lewis and Theo "fucking" Ratliff have started a war of words that will hardly spill over on the court, because as Rashard says...Theo only plays 5 lousy minutes a game.

The Perimeter: The Magic shot themselves back into the game with a barrage of three pointers in the third quarter. However, should the Pistons really fear or dread the chance of another 7-for-7 stretch beyond the arc? I'd say three point defense is a concern of course, but it'd be very surprising for a similar stretch to take place at any point in this entire post-season. That's right...ENTIRE.

The Switch: I guess it's flipped. The Pistons are playing tough and appear they really want this thing.

The Crowd: Disappointing that we hardly get Kid Rock mug shots anymore. The best celebrity they could find last night was Bob Seager. I am really, really dying to see just how fat Eminem has gotten. Please send him some tickets for Game 5.

J.J Redick: I was hoping we'd get to see Jimmy Jeff Redick after his brief stint in Game 1. However, he will instead be forced to continue with his dark poetry and running diary from the last seat on the bench. Yes, he's been exiled to the bitter end of the bench.

The Verdict: This series could very well comeback to Detroit tied at 2-2. Then again, it might very well not even get back to Detroit. It's hard to gauge...even after 2 full games.

Moving forward, it's time to hit the road for the "O-rena." Will the Magic let their anger from the results of Game 2 fester and motivate them or will it demoralize them? Will the Pistons pull up the breaks and fall back into a "cruise control." Stay tuned.

So I Hear Perrilloux Is Available?

Amidst a bevy of big news breaks in the world of NCAA Football this week, the biggest story is the announcement that LSU Coach, Les Miles, sent highly touted recruit and heir to the starting quarterback job, Ryan Perrilloux packing. Perrilloux had a history of missing meetings, getting into off-the-field distractions, such as a night club fight (shocking, I know), and generally setting a poor example for teammates. Allegedly, the most recent slip up was a failed drug test, but that information is not confirmed, so take that with a grain of salt.

Anyway, thias shocking release from the LSU undoubtedly has the rest of the nation's coaching staff thinking, "How bad could he really be? We can turn that kid around." It's an interesting dilemma for coaches in need of a speedy quarterback. The glitch is that Perrilloux getting kicked off the team, does not mean he is fair game for Division 1 programs. If he was, you can bet your ass Perrilloux would be sitting on Rich Rodriguez's couch right now - at least for a conversation.

NCAA Regulations prohibit him for transferring to a D-1 program, but he is eligible to transfer for a 1-AA program to play in the upcoming season. This is probably the most likely scenario and rumors are circulating that the might Appalachian State is already dialing his digits. Clearly, if I-AA is the option, Appalachian State is the most logical place for him. They now have national notoriety given the upset last least against some Big Ten team (I forget who it was). Also, the offense at Appalachian State is perfectly suited to his shifty mobility in the pocket and cannon-like arm strength,

Conversely, I think Perrilloux would be wise to consider taking the year off and waiting to transfer to a big time program (i.e., Michigan). The reason I say this is not because I am itching to get him to play for Rodriguez, but that he severely damaged his "character," which we've all heard ad-nausea is a bug factor in the NFL evaluation process. In taking a year off, Perrilloux could prove his discipline and get his priorities in order. Certainly with the help of some guidance he could enroll himself in some personal growth program, prove he is making the grades, and basically stage his own PR campaign that "I'm all growns up.".

By taking a year off and proving he can mature as an adult, he will likely have a better chance at making an impact in the 2010 draft. If he goes and puts up huge numbers at Appy State, scouts and front offices will think exactly what they think now. This is a kid with tremendous athletic ability, but his character is shoddy and he is a liability for the team, both on the football field and from a media and PR perspective. It's a small scale Michael Vick debate. Do you take a guy everybody else passes on, because they break the rules or do you win at all costs?

The debate is a tricky one, but at this point, Perrilloux should make his first priority about getting his life straightened out and proving to the football community that he is ready to make a real commitment. This is more important than 1,500 passing yards and 1,500 rushing yards in an inferior conference. Clearly, he has made some bad decisions, but often we forget that these are just kids. This one needs to grow up and focus on getting back on the field... a Division 1 field.

What's Playing on 'Sheed's iPod?

Back by very little demand it's the un-renowned "iPod" series. And how we slipped on a long standing favorite of ours in Rasheed Wallace is beyond me. Anyhow, love him or hate him; you can't deny Sheed is one cool mofro. Besides, we all know that you really don't hate him...you're just jealous. Sheed often gets mentioned as the key to the Pistons Championship hopes. If that's the case then surely what's pumping in Sheed's ear buds is equally as vital. Long known for bouncing around the locker room and patrolling the boom box, Sheed never leaves home without his earphones.

So, that being said we couldn't help, but gauge the temperature and take our best guess at what is pumping on Sheed's pod and keeping him motivated for the long haul. On the heels of finally dusting off the Sixers, Sheed needs to rededicate and focus, because Orlando is fresh and waiting. Now; you shouldn't be surprised by these selections, much like his knowledge of the NBA game...he's also very much so the music historian and connoisseur. Let's take a look...

Clockwork - Blackalicious: Technically speaking this is a nod to his old buddy Big Ben. Yet, Sheed must've adopted this track as a reminder of his homie, but also the motivation to go out there and play like clockwork.

Da Funk - Daft Punk: There's energy and then there's this energy. How can one blame being lazy if this is pumping in their ears? Hmmm.

Paid in Full - Eric B. & Rakim: Growing up in Philly, you just have to imagine Sheed was a big fan and probably made an appearance at many a Eric B and Rakim show. "Thinking of a master plan."

Unbelievable - Notorious B.I.G: During Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals the Miami Heat were blasting Biggie Smalls over the P.A. Of course, Sheed was standing on the free throw line rapping along and bobbing his head. Did we forget that a few minutes later he hit back-to-back daggers and told Udonis Haslem that he, um...sucked. This cause Dan LeBatarde's head to spin in his post game story. Not kidding.

You Gots to Chill - EPMD: When panic sinks into the Pistons locker room after a few tough losses, Sheed can only turn to his music. Eric Sermon and Perry Smith bring the bad ass edge and calming familiarity. Relax, Piston fans...you gots to chill...things will be OK.

The Next Movement - The Roots: That's just lay-up drills.

Superfly - Curtis Mayfield: Smooth and refined.

Mowtown Philly - Boyz II Men: It's that easy and "Ball Don't Lie." Gee, wonder nobody ever game Sheed this nickname with his Philly roots and all?

Ain't No Half Steppin' - Big Daddy Kane: This very song might very well pump through Sheed's head just before he does his pregame fist pump and dance. If anything, this fires the rest of the troops up...just a touch. Besides, we all know there ain't no half steppin' to Sheed. You best bring it.

Shadowboxin' - the Gza: Dude does wear #36 for a reason...figure it out.

Well, those are just our best guesses. Feel free to harrass us in the comments section below.

Getting to Know the OTB (Off Track Betting)

Ever since the demise of internet gambling, betting on horseracing has become a bit trickier. Fortunately, while our righteous lawmakers consider it immoral to bet on human sports, there’s seems to be a loophole that we can freely blow our personal fortunes on sport, just as long as it includes the mistreatment of animals. To make a long story short, I am referring to the ability to go to the OTB (Off Track Betting) and lay down bets on horse racing. Manhattan is littered with OTBs and you know when one is near. There is an aura emanating from the OTB for at least a one block radius, or maybe it is the fog of 27 packs of cigarettes being smoked per hour. I’m not sure. Either way, a trip to the OTB is a cultural experience that I recommend to all, just not very often.

A trip to the OTB can be intimidating, so I will do my best to prepare any first timers for possible excursions for the next two races of the Triple Crown. First and foremost, there are various types of characters you will likely run into at the OTB:

The Grandpa – I call this individual the Grandpa, because he reminds me of the way things were with my own Grandpa. This is the guy usually sitting in the one random chair outside the OTB with his own ashtray. Much like at family reunions, my grandpa always had the best chair and nobody ever sat in it, even when he was in the kitchen or on the throne. He also had his own personal ashtray with cigarettes miraculously dangling a four inch ash at all times. It’s important to clarify that the Grandpa is not necessarily old, but garners respect and has his own chair. You get the idea. The Grandpa is at the top of the OTB food chain.

The Toadies – The toadies are part of the regular OTB circuit. These are the guys who act like it’s no big deal that it’s the Kentucky Derby. For them, it’s just another day at the office. These guys earned there nickname from the toadies in The Christmas Story. The toadies were the kids who thought they were really cool, because they got to hang around with Farkus. These guys like to act the part, but you can just sense they are waiting to see which horses the one or two gurus go with before they place their bets. The toadies dress like the stereotypical seedy gambler from the movies and basically just flip through magazines all day. I wouldn’t be surprised if these guys never actually bet, but rather preferred to just hang out and act tough.

The Mike Dexter – This is the guy who really has no clue what he is doing, but he comes in with his group of buddies, so he acts like he knows it all. Maybe, this guy has done this once before, but he is the kind of person who would pretend to know everything about quantum psychics if he thought his friends would be impressed. He’ll probably announce multiple times to the whole room that “Dude, Curlin’ is totally gonna kick ass. He looked great at the Bluegrass his last time out.” Clearly, he picks a favored horse and rattles off a factoid that he snagged from USA Today earlier in the day. By the way, he gets his name from Mike Dexter, the douche in the epic film, Can’t Hardly Wait. This is the guy who thinks he is the bomb, but in actuality, nobody can stand him.

The Psu-Psu-Pseudos – This is a staple at the OTB or any Sportsbook in Las Vegas. Yes, it’s the pack of usually 4, but up to 10 “dudes” in their mid-to-late 20’s, even early 30’s pretending to be high rollers. These guys roll into the OTB with the sole intent on placing a handful of $10-$20 wagers, including a “ballzy” $30 trifecta box. Yet, you’ll see these guys clenching their ticket in their lifeless hand as the race ensues as if they are holding a $2000 betting slip. And you’ll always know when they make pull off a $15 “across the board” winner, because they won’t shut up about it. Wait, did I just describe myself?

The Michael Jordan – These guys just know what they are doing. Customary profile is loafers with no socks, short khaki shorts. They are the big fish in the small pond filled with minnows…they are a whale, is more like it. They carry a paper tucked under one arm with their favorite handy-capping magazine in tow. We call them Jordan’s because they are strictly business and their intent is for a hefty wager, but they rarely have the lock picks. In essence they are degenerates in disguise. You can’t hide behind a cigar…we see through you.

The Girlfriends – Guys, bring your girlfriends at your own risk. Keep in mind that the guys who frequent the OTB don’t see a whole lot of these "girl" things. The OTB regulars will do everything in their power to start up conversations to show off their horseracing prowess to your ladies. Next thing you know, the poor girls are wrapped up in long-winded diatribes about the trainers, their stables, and the condition of the mud in Louisville. Undoubtedly, the girls will respond with a comment like, “Ooooh, that one has cat in the name. I love cats.”

The Preston Winchester III – These guys are the worst. This is the guy who rolls in and wants to make a show of how much money he is about to bet. This guy has seen the derby on TV and thinks it is a fashion show and that his Derby party in the Upper East Side is going to be “the” place to be on Saturday. So, he needs to roll into his party with OTB tickets showing big money bets. Little does he know, half of the people in the OTB would probably follow him out and slit his neck if they wouldn’t miss the race in order to do it.

In addition to familiarizing yourself with the cast of characters, you will need to know how to place a bet. The best advice I can tell you is use the automated machine. The OTB is a scary place and you will be made to feel inferior in every way possible when you go to the counter. Granted, if you go to the automated machine, you have about a 15% chance of placing the bet you actually intended, but you do not have to expose yourself to the humiliation of being embarrased by the OTB henchmen. Plus, when you bet with the automated machine, you can come back and insert your tickets to check if you won. Believe me, if you are inexperienced with the OTB, there is a solid chance that you will not know if and how much you won. This is a good thing.

I hope this little tutorial inspires everyone to go out and blow some money. Considering the fact that I took Hard Spun and my girlfriend had Street Sense in the Kentucky Derby, there’s some pride waiting over at the OTB and it has my name on it. Until next time, D-Gens. Out.

Trading Places: The Fantasy Impact of Disgruntled WR's Finding a New Home

I know; it's only May and we've already rolled out back-to-back Fantasy Football related topics. Well, in case you couldn't gauge the temperature around here, we live for Fantasy Football and the thrill doesn't end when the season ends. The off-season is one of the most critical times to gather up much needed information, analysis and prep for your draft, which happens to be a good 4 to 5 months away. Yup, I'm not ashamed to fall into this desperate category. Anyhow, this is hardly a summons on who to draft or who not to draft, rather this is taking a deep look at the impact that top flight WR's have when they change teams.

Of course, this is all a hypothetical argument, because this is taking into consideration the three most prominent WR's that have been rumored or verified as wanting out of their current situation...actually get traded.

1. Chad Johnson
2. Anquan Boldin
3. Roy Williams

Realistically, none of the aforementioned names will be moved during the off-season. However, let's just imagine if they were. First and foremost, it's important to note that trading places never equates to instant success for said WR. However, if you throw out the Randy Moss to Oakland faux pa; it tends to prove good to great results. And what circumstances am I basing this observation on? Well, let's start with Terrell Owens and examine his instant impacts on Philadelphia and Dallas. Ironically, in Owens first season with each respective team he delivered Top Tier results.

Check these stats; in 2004 Owens had 77 grabs for 1200 yards and 14 TD's. And that all took place despite being injured for 4 games. In Owens inaugural run with Dallas he caught 85 passes for 1180 yards with 13 TD's. There's no way around it, those numbers allowed Owens to be a Top end WR. Somehow, you have to factor in a change of scenery. Last season we saw Randy Moss elevate his stats back into the upper echelon with arguably the single greatest Fantasy WR season of all-time. Sure, it all depends on the setting and the personnel, but wouldn't new homes have an impact on the WR's mentioned above?

So, I guess the bigger question is...what destinations would revitalize the current disgruntled group and why? Fair enough, let's take a look at the recipe.

First and foremost, it must be a contender. Obviously if you ship Chad Johnson to the Dolphins you must set diminished expectations. And not that it should come as much of surprise, but the team often mentioned as the ideal destination for these disgruntled WR's is Philadelphia. To be honest, that makes perfect sense. The Iggles are still are lacking a "primetime" play maker and they do still have Donovan McNabb at the helm. How hard could it really be to flourish. Dallas and Washington also figure into the discussion, but I've got few other ideas for this crew. Let's take a look.

1. Chad Johnson to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
I'm certain it's been thought about or even mentioned. However, little airplay has been given to this option. Johnson would give the Jags the deep threat they've so desired over the years. Perhaps, it would make up for their failed WR draft picks. Johnson would bring a little bit of flare and flash to the Jags that they sorely need. You've got a solid coach in Jack Del Rio to keep Johnson in check. And you've got a team that very well could be ready to take another step towards the elite of the AFC. Wouldn't you just love to see Johnson stick it the Bengals by helping the Jags get over the hump? In Fantasy terms, maybe Johnson's stats don't suddenly become eye bulging. However, he surely would have one hell of a Fantasy impact and produce some solid elite WR stats.

2. Roy Williams to the Minnesota Vikings.
I know; I know...who the hell is going to throw him the football. And yes, I'm well aware that only a moron like Matt Millen would trade a WR to a divisional rival. However, just dream with me if you will. The Vikings never really had much trouble setting up play-action and throwing the deep pass last season. The problem was always that their WR's couldn't ever catch the damn ball. Insert Roy Williams to be the feature on the outside and I'm sensing an explosion. The running game alone would profit from having a player of Williams caliber on the outside to spread the defense. Often known to be on the cusp of greatness...Roy Williams would produce a monster Fantasy season with the Vikings. Then again, the odds of this ever happening are slim and none.

3. Anquan Boldin to the Tennessee Titans.
It might seem a bit odd, but hang with me. Boldin is the perfect slot WR for Vince Young. If he could just stay healthy he'd be able to bust out some solid numbers. No longer would Boldin be stuck in the shadow of LArry Fitzgerald; this would be his show.

Of course, all of the above might be far, far exaggerated and less thought out. However, it's still worth keeping a close eye on all three of these bitter WR's. For if any of them are traded and the situation is right; we should expect a spike in their value and production. Again though, it's all just wishful thinking. Here's to 4more months of waiting to see how it shakes out.