Trey Gets A Phone Call

Trey Anastasio wakes up in the morning, pours himself a tall cool soy milk, and heads to the front porch... when his cell phone rings…

Ring…Ring.

Trey: Yessum.

Mike: (with Page & Fish): Hey buddy, it’s Mike. How ya feelin? I’m here with Page & Fishman.

Trey: I was wondering when you guys were gonna call. I’m doing really well. It’s great to hear from you guys. How’s everybody doin’?

Page: Good man. But we’re calling to figure out what we should do about this lifetime achievement award? Those cheeky bastards over at Relix really backed into a corner this time. Well, we can’t blame ‘em for trying I guess.

Trey: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it lately myself. I mean, I definitely want to go and all I assume you guys do too, right?

Mike, Page & Fish (together): Yeah…

Trey: Thing is you know if we get up there and play together, we’re entering into a world of speculation about a reunion, summer tour, a bazillion interviews, and who knows what else with the eighty-five summer festies coming up?

Fish: I know it, but I totally want to go and be there for the award though. And if we all show, how can we not play? I have an idea; what if we hopped onstage as part of a group jam session, but we come out one at a time and rotate through, so we’re not technically ever playing together? Maybe we do a Wolfman’s and let Phil lead it and we take turns coming on stage? How annoying would that be?

Page: Awww, come on Fish, now that’s just being mean.

Mike: Glad to see you’re still thinkin’ my man. That is pretty cruel though. Although, it’s not nearly as mean as taking those photos with fans from only the neck down on Europe Tour though. Now, that was mean!

Trey: Hahahaaa. My god, that’s right. I had totally forgotten about that. What the hell were we thinking? By the way, I'll tell what we're NOT gonna play, the Boys Are Back In Town. If I hear one more person recommend that song, I swear to god, I'm coming out with my shirt off in a tutu and ice skates like that cover we did for Rolling Stone. Thin Lizzy, you gotta be fucking kidding me?

Page: Settle down, Trey. Hey, what if we took a crack at the tune you played with the rehab kids at Road Recovery? I think that would be a really cool move and it would really speak to your sincerity around the whole situation. By the way, you wouldn’t know where I could get a recording of that tune would you?

Trey: Oh I don’t know, I don’t think we should do that. That song was really between me and those kids – not really meant for public consumption.

Fish: What about this idea? We come out together and tear up an Umphrey’s tune? After all, that would certainly leave little question as to whether or not we are ready come back yet or not. Besides, unless Grace Potter shows up in a thong, these folks deserve something pretty epic. The tickets were eighty bucks after all. That's insane.

Mike: Very true, you raise a good point. Besides, this is technically the Garden right? A little bustin’ out isn’t gonna really do any harm, is it? By the way, I do hope Grace shows up in a thong though.

Page: What if we conjure up a little medley of all of our favorite tunes from the different side projects? How sick would a Mr. Oysterhead -> Balloon -> Only A Northern Song -> Back in the Basement -> Push on Till the Day medley be?

Trey: Oooh, now that’s not bad. I could probably be talked into that idea.

Fish: No wait, I got it! I know just the song. We can jam the living shit out of it and nobody we’ll start bugging us about a tour. It’s all there… clear as day.

Mike: Well, what is it?

Fish (stands up and busts some rigid David Byrne dance moves): And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world.

Page (nodding): And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.

Trey (nodding): And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

Mike (nodding): And you may ask yourself-well... how did I get here?

The Phab Four (belting it out in unison): Letting the days go by; let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by; water flowing underground. Into the blue again; after the moneys gone. Once in a lifetime; water flowing underground.

So let us know what you think? Is Phish gonna play at the Jammys?

Understanding The Recent Financial Market Turnoil Through The Wide World Of Sports

Since the day-to-day output around here is more often than not geared towards mind numbing subjects and futile attempts at humor, today we decided to give back. We have a rare educational treatise for those of you who read little else beyond sports and consider reading the Wall Street Journal in public about as acceptable as wearing a Jack Johnson shirt in public. Without further ado, here is a look at some of the key topics surrounding the economy, the financial markets, and the recession that we're already in but you just don't know it yet... and of course, we have their sports comparisons for easy translations.

Securitization - Securitization will emerge from this economic downturn with a name scathed as bad as Mr. Big Head. Securitization is the process whereby investment banks buy large pools of loans, such as residential mortgages, commercial mortgages, credit cards receivables, bank loans, student loans, or auto loans and group them together into an investable asset. The pools of these loans are then divided, or tranched, into varying levels of risk and assigned credit quality designed to give investors a universal measure of comparison for their expected ability to pay their obligations. Ultimately, these pooled securities provided very limited data as to the underlying loans in the pools and the rating agencies shit the bed in evaluating the creditworthiness, or ability to pay, of the various tranches. These rating agencies put too much faith in the fact that a diversified pool of assets made these loans much safer than they really were. So, while many investors assumed that the highly rated portions of these investments were good quality, they ended up with junk and took a beating. The investors found out the hard way that the top rated tranche of a pool full of shit, is still shit.

Sports Example - I compare this "tranche" phenomenon to the NBA Eastern Conference. You can look at the best teams in the East like the Celtics and the Pistons and their records look top quality, but this pool is also completely full of shit.

Fed Activity - If any indicator is telling as to whether or not we're heading into a recession, it's the Fed. While they typically manage their dual mandate of inflation and economic growth via the rising and lowering of interest rates, they have been pulling out all the stops as of late - we are talking the whole army and the heavy artillery. Not only have they lowered the Fed Funds rates by 300 bps, but they cut the discount rate 225, aided in the Bear Stearns bailout, injected money to system, and set up a whole slew of short-term financing and repo options for banks and dealers (including aggressive moves to offer liquidity to financial institutions not normally allowed to borrow from the Fed). Before long, we should see them straight up buying mortgages, which should lower mortgage rates and curb the deflation of housing prices, but dumps that risk on you and me - the taxpayer.

Sports Example - A good analogy (OK fine, marginal at best) of the aggressive activity of the FOMC is the Mighty Ducks. When they were faced with a giant obstacle in the final game and they knew they could not just sit back and play their regular game. Nope. Instead, they brought in the street thug, Fulton, for his blistering slapshot, concocted the wildly innovative Flying V attack, and used the unstoppable Triple Deke. If the challenge is tough enough, you gotta bring everything you got and that is what we are seeing here.

Globalization -Any way you slice it, the US is gradually losing traction as the world's go-to financial market. While we did see a global flight to US Treasuries amidst the resent turmoil - illustrating that they are still the risk-free asset of choice - the signs are mounting that our run is over: the US Dollar continues to push for new record lows; emerging market countries have fundamentally sound economies with huge currency reserves; and Sovereign Wealth Funds are diversifying their massive portfolios away from the US government securities in favor of alternative assets and global investments.

Sports Example - Think of the USA Men's Basketball team at the 2004 Summer Olympics or the US baseball team at the World Baseball Classic. As much as we like to think we are the best in the world, there are emerging areas of staunch competition in the rest of the world and other countries are progressively whooping our complacent ass.

Deleveraging - In the years of 2004 through 2006, fixed income markets (those including mortgages, structured products, corporate bonds, high yield bonds, etc.) were marked by significantly lessened volatility and very narrow risk premiums. Thus, in order to eek out returns, many investors loaded up on leverage - or borrowed funds for investing - to amplify the returns on these low yielding investments. These investors (dork term: Shadow Banking System) banked on the lower volatility environments. When these risk premia blew out in reaction to the subprime mortgage crisis, their investments prices dropped considerably, and the lenders called for their moolah (a.k.a., margin calls). This phenomenon triggered a vicious spiral whereby these levered investors were forced to sell anything they could - because the directly related subprime assets were unsellable - thus worsening the conditions across all financial markets, even to sound investments. This process is ongoing as we speak and investors across the world are working to get rid of their leverage (or struggling to maintain it), but in the process, the markets continue take a beating.

Sports Example - This deleveraging process is akin to the Yankees' pitching staff in recent years. In an effort to differentiate themselves from the competitive AL East, the Yankees loaded up on risk in recent years, pouring excessive funds (far more than the competition) into huge bets like Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens, and Carl Pavano. Having lost a mountain of money on the underperformance, the 2008 Yankees will opt for a more old-fashioned approach, relying on developing rookie talent in Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, and Ian Kennedy.

Carry Trade - The carry trade is a great term to throw around to sound like you know something. The term actually refers to any instance where you can borrow money at a lower rate and invest in in another area and gain a higher yield; however, it largely refers to borrowing in one country and "carrying" the fund to another to invest in a higher yielding country. While it seems logical, the moving parts make this very risky as the borrowing currency can appreciate, among other things, making this a dangerous levered trade.

This has been an ongoing theme in Japan as rates in Japan are minuscule relative to the rest of the world. Thus, tons of money flows has flowed out of Japan into other areas of investment. Ultimately, this is seen as an indicator of risk tolerance, so as the world enters deeper into a financial crisis, the carry trade unwinds and the Yen appreciates.

Sports Example - The best example I can think of here is the Randy Moss trade for the Raiders #4 pick. This seems like a no-brainer for the Pats as they just traded an upcoming low pick and invested in a proven high yielding superstar. However, the resultant Raiders' investment, John Bowie, might develop into a giant star one day and make this lopsided trade turn in favor of the Raiders. Then again, he very well might not, making the risky bet pay off, in which case this trade might smell like another dumbass sports decision with another guy named "Bowie."

Holy Crap This Is Awesome

I love Eric Clapton. I love the Dire Straits. I love Sultans of Swing. I don't care if this has nothing to do with sports. This version is incredible. Enjoy.

Links Of The Week

Little housekeeping note before we dive in... After a few months of wavering about how to handle links, we finally nailed down a good solution. We're way too lazy to post links on a daily basis and prefer highlighting the best links from the week of yore, so we've decided that we will run our "Links of the Week" every Friday afternoon. This way, we will not only highlight the best stuff from the week, but also we'll leave them up all weekend. Since we never post anything on the weekends, they should drum up a solid 15 visits each as opposed to the usual 8. So that's that. Lets warm things up with a little Warren Zevon.



So, now that we got Lawyers, Guns, and Money on the mind we might as well lead in with Crashburn Alley's first hand account of meeting Chelsea Clinton. Mr. Baer asked her at a Q&A in Philly how she felt the Phillies would do this season? I wonder if anyone asked, "Do you plan to make more public appearances now that you're moderately less ugly?"

Waiting for Next Year concocted an interesting analysis out the the Rivals Top 64 NFL receivers and applied it to the Browns squadron. Braylon is the yabba dabba dizzle fo schizzle rizzle. You're lucky to have him.

Hugging Harold Reynolds discovered that Roger Clemens was named 2008's Unsexiest Man of the Year. Who doesn't like some anti-Clemens propaganda?

If you haven't seen John Mayer announce the Red Sox game in Haaaaaapone, watch it immediately. It's really funny - and good funny, not he's an idiot funny.

Somebody brought this to my attention today: an emailer claimed this guy ripped off a post Stan and I wrote in the early days at Epic Carnival. Quite honestly, I really highly doubt this guy ever read it, but rather there really is very uncovered ground left in the sports blogosphere. Here's our post and here is the new one. I'd say it's just a pretty obvious topic, not a ripoff at all.

And finally, Joe Sports Fan gives Stan a breather from his weekly Duke race riots.

That's all for this week folks. And don't cry about your bracket you pussies, there's always real gambling.

Why UCLA will win the West

Aside from the obvious, who is going to stop UCLA? When the brackets surfaced it wasn't hard to look out West and see an easy path paved for the Bruins. Duke was clearly the most flawed #2 Seed on the board and Xavier, although very good just didn't have the name recognition we've come to expect from a #3. That's no knock on Xavier, as I've felt all along they were going to be a tough team for anybody in this tournament. However, this weekend should again belong to the glamour and tradition that is UCLA.

Why? Well, follow me...

Clear Path: As mentioned above, I wasn't sold on UCLA's bracket being all that tough. Since that time, they nearly gagged against Texas A&M, but happened to have the road paved ahead of them. Most were looking forward to a tough match-up against Connecticut in the Sweet 16, but the Huskies flamed out in the first round. Instead, the Bruins are left with a #12 seed in Western Kentucky and a potential #7 or #3 seed in the Regional Final. Nothing to slight West Virginia or Xavier, but I hardly see either as an ultimate road block for this Bruins team.

Wealth of Knowledge and Experience: Ben Howland is one of the Top coaches in the country. He's put the Bruins back on the map and is on the cusp of advancing a team to the Final Four for the third straight season. If you consider the turnover in players leaving early and the day in and day out challenges of maintaining tournament excellence, the feat looks all the more impressive. And that's not to say this UCLA teams is lacking experience, but he's replaced and maneuvered new pieces to make this work. Only Duke and Michigan State have been to three successive Final Fours in a row, since 1985.

The Little General: OK, that's certainly not his nickname, but Darrin Collison is about as close to a little general as there can be. Collison plays the college point about as well as anybody in the country. He's a tough edged defender, distributes the rock, shoots well and has the leadership intangibles coaches lust over. He picks his spots and carries a bag full of savvy and experience.

Love to Love Ya: It's hard not to appreciate Kevin Love. What needs to be said that hasn't been gushed all over the presses? He rebounds, he hustles, he scores in bunches and he can step back and swish a three. He showed a level of intensity and killer instinct that not many had seen from him last weekend. Relax, it's not questioning him in the least bit. Rather, it's a compliment at just how huge he came up in the clutch last weekend. If he doesn't rise to the occasion...we aren't having this conversation.

Defense: I believe the saying goes, defense wins Championships. Of all the contenders, sans Wisconsin, UCLA plays the best defense. Enough said.

May the best team win: UCLA is the best team. No offense to Carolina, but the Bruins have the best team on paper and have a cast of future NBA players. When this team throws on their game face...they are awfully tough to beat. Whether that equates to reality at the Final Four is yet to be determined. However, when it comes to this bracket...it's gonna happen.

It would appear the UCLA is headed to yet, another Final Four. It's just that obvious.

So long Sonics! Hello, Trailblazers

Fresh off a hot road trip, Brandon Hansen from Just South of North is back with more infinite wisdom from the land where it rains a lot.

Soon the state of Washington will be without a basketball team because their arena from the stone-age of 1994 is completely inadequate to host NBA basketball. I hear they're still handing out AOL CDs to the press and telling them to hook into dial-up at the Key Arena, and using CDs to play the music during halftime.

Once a stadium reaches a ripe old age of 14 years old, it's time for it to go the way of the Roman Coliseum, the original Madison Square Gardens and Hillary Duff.

It's a sad state of affairs, but unfortunately the fine ownership of the Sonics simply has no options, why should a professional team that makes millions of dollars in profits be expected to foot the bill for a new arena. That rests solely on the responsibility of Seattle citizens already paying for Safeco Field and Qwest Field, not to mention possible renovations to Husky Stadium.

With the Washington legislature basically telling the Oklahoma ownership group to go Starbucks themselves, I can see the writing on the wall. The Sonics are moving.

And that's why I'm jumping ship. Hello Portland Trailblazers.

Just a couple hours to the south, a revitalized basketball mecca known as the Rose Garden (which was built around the same time the Key Arena was heavily renovated, hmmmm) with its 20,000 seats usually filled to the brim with Portland fans who take their basketball as seriously as they take their roses.

After attending a game this week, which was nearly sold out on a Tuesday night, Portland fans packed into the game like it was the playoffs.

And it certainly wasn't the playoffs, they were playing the Washington Wizards.

The crowd went ballistic after every basket, people openly yelled criticisms of Commish Stern even though he wasn't even in the building. And the refs... oh the refs... lets just say their credibility and gambling was brought into question more than once.

There was a group of young Blazer fans in front of where I was sitting that got kicked out in the third quarter for no apparent reason, until the usher started picking up three empty fifths of alcohol under the seats. The NBA doesn't have an image problem, ladies and gents.

Now that's my kind of crowd.

So sorry Sonics, I've watched you guys since I was a little kid, but when you have donkey's for an ownership group that holds the city ransom for a new arena. I'll take my business elsewhere.

Hello, Portland.

Dear C-Webb...

Thanks. Yup, thanks for a career littered with tragedy, drama, promise, hope, controversy and the whole nine. Yes, that's about as non-sarcastic of a thanks as I can deliver your way. To be fair and honest, I thought about casting aside some joke about your bulky knees or Championship quest failures. However, I couldn't help, but step back in fascination, intrigue and yes even appreciation when I read J.A Adande's compelling piece about you on ESPN.com. You truly ran the gauntlet of emotions for everyone who dared to worship your story.

And let's face it Chris, the story didn't always come up roses. Were you a tad bit unlucky? Maybe so, but as Dean Smith said after you called the infamous timeout: "Lucky, yes. Fortunate, yes. But we're still Champions." So, maybe misfortune found your way more so than the average Joe, but nonetheless...it found you. Was it always fair? Probably not, but life ain't fair.

You galvanized the State of Michigan as a High School senior at Detroit Country Day. Your passage into greatness was bound and gagged by destiny. We know, we know...you changed the landscape of College basketball. The cockiness and the swagger that you so exuded and helped to define your crew, the Fab Five. I'm not going to lie, even as a somebody who grew up despising Michigan, when you rolled out with the long baggy shorts, the black NIKE sneaks with black socks and the shaved head...it was more than trendsetting. It was influential. Who couldn't find the lure the Fab Five?

As much as I'd try to admit that I couldn't stand your style, I couldn't deny it to myself. It was pretty bad ass bro. Everything about you just reeked of greatness. You had the smile, the game, the personality and the charisma. Would life have been different had you not called that timeout? Well, I'm not so sure. After all, you did travel just before you called the timeout. You were given a second chance. Yet, you slipped into the corner against two of the top defenders in the country, Derrick Phelps and George Lynch.

Let's say you don't call the timeout, let's say you try to force a play... chances are you turn the ball over and Donald Williams still buries a couple of free throws to clinch the 1993 National Championship. So, to continue to hang your hat on your Championship window closing as you raised your hands and asked the refs for that timeout is played out. I'm sorry to open up the wounds of yesteryear, but it wouldn't have made a difference.

OK, I'm harping on the dark past that you've always wanted to move on from. And besides your relationship with Ed Martin helped to rip all the memories from the rafters of Chrysler Arena. It's as if none of those glorious and painful moments actually ever happened. After your time in Ann Arbor evaporated, you moved onto the millions of dollars and the dreams of the NBA. I hardly followed much of your career after that. I knew you were dominating and becoming a special player, but I didn't care.

Your stint in Sacramento put you on the map. You came close. I even rooted for you to beat the Lakers, but again... destiny just wasn't meant to be with you. By the time you rolled around to Detroit for the re-run as #84, the swagger was gone. You were a shell of the dude who used to throwdown nasty dunks and strut down court with infamous "Mean Face." I used to know that look, we all used to know that look. However, the Detroit re-run was doomed from the start.

Sure, I know you said and did all the right things, but when the local columnists (Mitch Albom) are picking fights with you before you even play game, because they have a 15 year grudge against you...it can't be good. I'm not sure, maybe you gave Mitch his apology behind closed doors. However, I just knew (based on your tragic history) that it wouldn't end well. Although, I wanted nothing more for you than to win a Championship with the Pistons and ride off into the sunset. It would've been the perfect vindication on your career.

Yet, there you were pouring it out with everything you had in the Eastern Conference Finals. Your knees looked weak, your heart looked old and your spirit seemed defeated after Game 4 at Cleveland. And the lasting impression I'll have of you is after you hit the fade away bucket and the foul in overtime of "the LeBron game." That was Game 5 for those who forgot. Your bucket put the Pistons up by 3 points with a minute to play. It seemed as if you had single handily slayed your demons.

However, once again your fate or your luck wasn't meant to be as LeBron marched right down the court and buried a triple. The Pistons wouldn't score again that night and LeBron would have the final answer a few possessions later. That's what I'll remember about C-Webb, always close, but never close enough. Unlucky, yes. Unfortunate, yes. But you're just not a Champion. However, you'll still always be remembered as a fascinating sports figure C-Webb and a pretty shitty rapper.

-Best

Why North Carolina will Win the East

Continuing a weekly feature that runs region by region in the NCAA Tournament. Everyone outside of just the regular experts has an opinion, so why can't I? Sweet 16 weekend is all about separating the contenders from the sleepers. The big picture is a little less foggy and usually the ball runs out on Cinderella. It also happens to be the single "BEST" weekend to spend in a gambling/booze induced haze in Vegas. That said; my tradition ended last season of going to Vegas with buds. Sigh.

Moving on, let's turn our attention to Charlotte where the magic is 'bout to go down in less than 24 hours. That's right, the magic belongs to the offensive magician that is Roy Williams and the mastery that is his Tar Heels. Spare me the talk about this being the toughest region. Big deal, Carolina walks easily through Charlotte this weekend...book it. What Wazzou is going to slow them down? Puh-lease. Give me a list of legitimate teams Wazzou has beaten this year. (Long Pause). The silence is deafening. Neither them, the Ville or the Vols are surviving this weekend and I'll tell you why.

Ty Lawson: The little engine that could is just about back to full strength and he's FRESH. Yes, he looked every bit reinvigorated last weekend in Raleigh. The speed was back the breakneck transition speed, the no fear to cut past his defender and swoop to an easy bucket in the lane. His shot looked restored and the scary part is, he claims to only be at 95%. He's well rested and playing with a swagger that he exuded prior to getting hurt. Don't be fooled; this tournament is still an audition for him to work his way up the draft board.

Stats, Inc: Pick a number, any number. Carolina is 4-0 this season alone in this very building. They haven't lost a game on the road or on a neutral site all season long. The school has a rich tournament history of 7-0 when it plays in Charlotte. Different times, different teams? See above...please. Another stat to chew on for you; the last time Carolina ran past it's first two opponents by an average of at least 25 points was 1993 and 2005. Um, those just happened to be banner years in Chapel Hill, as in National Championship banners.

Letting it Linger? Nope, not a problem with this group. The loss to Georgetown, I mean the collapse against Georgetown last season still serves as a motivating factor for this team, but it's mental block is long in the past. This team is beyond eager to erase what happened, which helps set the stage for this weekend.

Peaking: Yup, who is peaking or should I say surging quite like Carolina right now? Short answer is nobody. They can play tight games, slow games, fast games...you name it. They happen to match-up perfect with any of the potential opponents in the Regional. Wazzou may keep it close, but Carolina will ultimately control the boards and hence force the transition. A track meet awaits with Louisville or Tennessee, where the Heels will simply out will and outrun either team. Did you happen to see them play last weekend?

Danny Green - The X-Factor: We're still waiting for Green to have his signature moment in this tournament and the match-ups favor Green having that eruption this weekend. After all, if any Tar Heel wants redemption more for what happened against the Hoyas last season, it's Mr. Green.

Hansbrough: Just to throw the icing on the cake, nobody has the inside presence or insanity to match Hansbrough down low. Sorry Padgett, you're simply breakfast food. Hansbrough has played this entire season possessed and this weekend we'd all be fools to expect anything less.

Are we going to split hairs here? Stick with the obvious and don't over think things this weekend. This bracket has Carolina written all over it.

Greatness Before GoWF: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Every now and again, we're reminded of a story from the sports world where it's just a damn shame we didn't know about the blogosphere. Well, today is one of those days and this one is a true classic.

Back in 2004, my second favorite wrestler from the 80s, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake (first being the Ultimate Warrior - when he was a good guy of course), left his post in the Boston Metro Subway Booth where he pulled in a cool $25,000 per annum. In his haste, the Barber forgot to snatch his cocaine rocks off the desk. In the absence of a booth attendant, a Boston Metro Transit passenger called the cops out of fear that Brutus's junk was Anthrax and when the Beefcake returned, he was arrested and charged for possession of narcotics and the whole Subway was evacuated. Not only did Brutus forget his drugs out in plain view for the Metro Transit customer base to see, but he also caused a full terrorism panic.

Ultimately, Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake checked into rehab and the story became not-so-funny. While we don't mean to make light of a drug problem or pick on somebody's demise, this is just one of those stranger-than-fiction stories that you can't make up.

Besides, he should have known it would all turn south when he turned on the Hulkster. That's the wrestling equivalent of bombing Pearl Harbor - after that, you're fucked.

Ten Reasons To Love The One The One You Hate

Very few sports fans will share my sentiments, but come March, I don't always mind rooting for the old arch-nemesis... if even just the tiniest bit. In fact, even amidst our crew of scribes on this blog, I believe I am the only one who would be caught dead rooting for the arch-rival. Well, maybe save for a juicy bet against-the-spread, you don't see much Michigan vs. Michigan State intra-state rivalry support. Yet, for some reason every time March rolls around, I find myself throwing MSU in the Final Four and supporting Mr. Izzo and the Spartans. So, I figured I'd try to crank out the method behind the madness. Here are the ten reasons to let bygones be bygones and muster up a little intra-state love for the Spartans.

10) It gives us a chance to sport our "IZZONE" shirt.

9) We'll take any chance we can get to blurt out, "Check out Naymick, he's on FIRE."

8) Drew Neitzel is from the mutha fuckin' G-Rap dogg. (a.k.a., our home town of Grand Rapids).

7) MSU didn't sign Terrelle Pryor.

6) In fact, MSU didn't sign anybody. They suck so bad at football, it hardly even counts as a rivalry anymore (and vice versa for basketball).

5) We like lighting shit on fire too (i.e., couches).

4) Somebody has to save face for the Big Ten. Shit, we'd settle for rooting for Purdue if worse came to worst.

3) Spartan women.

2) Raymar Morgan is from Ohio.

1) The post-win "Sparty On" text message to the alcoholic Spartan friends never ever gets old.

Why Michigan State will Win the South

It's the Sweet 16 or better known as the 2nd weekend of the NCAA Tournament when the casual fans have been weeded out and many folks have already shredded their brackets. Yup, the lady from accounting no longer has an interest in hearing about the tournament, because she picked Oral Roberts and it didn't quite work out. Hopefully, you're still alive and breathing in your brackets, but if not...that's no reason to tune out.

In fact, despite what the ESPN suits have been promoting on the air waves...this is in fact a GREAT tournament. And it has the makings and pairings to continue to be just that. Upsets? Really, nobody is a fan of upsets? Huh, could've fooled me. Anyhow, this week as I've done all year...I plan to impart the marginal College Hoops wisdom I might have with all 5 people brave enough to heed my advice. Why not start things off with the South Regional?

And let me be the first to say...I told you so. Michigan State was MY sleeper pick to make a run in this tournament along with Davidson, West Virgina and Clemson. Well, three out of four ain't so bad. Moving on, most people have already begun to slurp the Sparty kool-aid and for good reason. The shame in it all is that it took a couple of gutsy and tough wins for everyone to realize Izzo is an elite coach with an elite program. Um, apologies to Duke, but the Spartans have been far more prevalent in terms of success this decade.

Question that all you want. It's quite sad that Izzo continually needs to defend his team and his program and needs to somehow validate himself year in and year out. Isn't it about time that we can accept and respect what the man has done? Done and done, good...no more complaining. Now, let me explain just how Michigan State is going to clear the latest hurdle and advance to yet, another Final Four.

1. Size and Depth: You might start laughing when you think about a red-head and goofy looking dude named Suton. Well, factor in Gray and Ebok off the bench and that's a ton of fouls to throw at anybody in this bracket. Let's consider they have to toss around those fouls against Dorsey and Dozier, where's the harm? Last check, those guys can't hit free throws.

OK, so they draw the Lopez brothers in the Elite Eight. They certainly have nobody capable of matching the Lopez brothers offensively, but they sure as hell can make it a rough time getting easy buckets. Something about the Lopez brothers just reeks of a couple head cases. Seems like a couple hard fouls from Gray or Naymick and things could come unraveled.

If it's Texas...we'll their one flaw happens to be lack of size. And yes, they've already beaten Texas this season.

2. Izzo's Smarts and Toughness: Again, this is always a topic in my eyes, because it always makes me bitter each year to hear people question Izzo. Anyhow, what he does is toughen his team throughout the season. He builds a team brick by brick and hopefully, they've evolved into a solid structure for the stretch run. He preaches defense over finesse and it may not always be pretty, but you've gotta be getting the sense that this team is coming together just in time.

3. The Parallels of 2005: Yes, you'll surely here this comparison time and time again. In 2005 the Spartans were a mediocre regular season team, seeded #5 in the South. They beat #1 seed Duke with their toughness and outlasted Kentucky to advance to the Final Four. Oh yes, that Regional was in Austin, TX. Um, sound similar?

4. Drew Gettin' his roll on: It's taken a while and he's taken a beating from the local media, but Drew Neitzel is a friggin' warrior. And he's starting to come through as most expected he would this season. You could just sense on Saturday night that he was NOT ready to see his College career end. It'd be hard to imagine him letting it end this weekend without one hell of a fight. He's got it in him and it's on the verge of erupting.

5. Kalin Lucas: He's one of the quickest players in the country and not a single person is mentioning his name. He used his speed to burn Pitt and scored at will in the lane on Saturday night. He's on the rise and on the cusp of having a breakout weekend that will catapult his name into the mainstay of College Hoops stars.

6. Still waiting for Morgan: We are all still waiting for him to join the show. If he does, the Spartans become a much different and BETTER team. If that comes this weekend...you can punch the Spartans ticket to San Antonio.

And that folks is how the South will be won.

Blast from the Past: One Shining Moment 2000

Ah yes, the glorious memories. And every year around this time it's nearly impossible to relive the nostalgia. 'Twas quite the run for the Spartans and it put Izzo and the program on the map. Amidst the riots and drunken celebrations a tradition was born; Spartan Basketball. Yup, it's often overshadowed by the golden likes of Duke, UCLA, Kentucky, North Carolina, Kansas, etc. However, in the past decade this program is right on par with the elite.

The 2000 run was littered with special moments that will never be forgotten by many a Spartan fan. The epic Regional at the Palace with comeback wins over Syracuse and Iowa State overshadowed the Final Four. Yet, sometimes the battle just to get there outshines the product. May we never forget Mateen and may we never forget this SPECIAL team. It FEEEEEEL GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!

See You At Tha Crossroads

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays organization should announce the results of a very interesting decision on Monday; whether or not Rays' manager Joe Maddon and Executive VP of Baseball Operations, Andrew Friedman, will sell their souls in favor of "the business." The Ray's management and brass have been dragging their feet as to whether rookie phemom-to-be, Evan Longoria, will start the season in the majors or in Triple-A.

Typically, starting a young ballplayer at the Triple-A club until May would not not raise too many eyebrows, but there is more to the decision than meets the eye here. For starters, Longoria has been destroying the ball all spring, hitting .333 (10-for-30) with 11 runs, two doubles, one triple, three homers, nine RBIs, nine walks, and two stolen bases.

Here's the fine print behind this decision: should Longoria begin the season with the Devil Rays, he will be eligible for free agency post the 2013 season.Should Rays' brass hold him in Triple-A until mid-April, he would then become eligible for free agency after the 2014 season.

Not surprisingly, Maddon and Friedman are spinning this decision like Jazzy Jeff, "It just comes down to doing what you think is the right thing." The good folks at Rays Index have been closely monitoring the situation and highlight that this decision is not being based on Longoria's performance, which couldn't possibly be any better, but rather his personal development. "Manager Joe Maddon has repeatedly stated that the decision will be based less on his stats, and more on how the 22-year old handles himself on a day-to-day basis and how well The Dirtbag (Longoria) adjusts to everyday life as a major leaguer."


While it's naive to deny that the Devil Rays' management possess a valid point in terms of the clear economic value of starting Longoria in the minors, thus delaying his free-agency eligibility for an additional year, there are other factors that should be heavily weighed in the decision. These are the factors that have all but disappeared in professional sports as of late, but are important intangible elements to making a decision like this, just as they are in any business.

• Sending Longoria to the minors to start the season bluntly contradicts the interests of the fans. Longoria is the hottest rookie in baseball and they Devil Rays fans are itching to see him contribute.
• If Evan Longoria is truly expected to be a long-term franchise leader for the club for years to come, he should be treated like a valuable commodity. When you hire anew executive in business, does it make sense to stick them in the mail room for their first assignment?
  
• If the Devil Rays' bullshit claim that performance is not the key factor in the decision, but rather what is best for Longoria, shouldn't Longoria be an important decision-maker in the decision? Evan, his family, friends, and agent will obviously have some valuable insight to his emotional development (not that I believe for a second that the organization actually gives a shit about it).
• Finally, what message does it send the team to deemphasize performance to such a ridiculous degree? The guy is ready to play at the most elite level and he's ready to help the team immediately. There is absolutely no evidence proving otherwise. Where's the merit in this decision?

After dragging their feet on this decision throughout the spring, it's time for management to make a decision and prepare to pay the piper. To send Longoria to the minors is largely a greed based decision and it will not go unnoticed. So, in the wise words of Bone Thugs N Harmony, "Now tell me whatcha gonna do? When there ain't no where to run.. Tell me whatcha gonna do ? When judgment comes for you, when judgment comes for you..."

Update: The Rays sent him back down. Bastards.

Links of the Week

Sup foo. After this last post, you are on your own until next week. We decided to hang it up a little early this week in favor of a lot of beer and a lot of basketball. We're confident that our blogging brethren will capably provide with a lot better coverage of the first couple rounds of the tournament than we could. Besides, you should be out watching the games with your friends and taking bong hits, not sitting at a computer reading blogs - unless of course you got hosed down by the man and your cheapass company is making you work on Friday. In which case, we suggest you write a steaming hot hate-filled diatribe about your employer and send it to us; we'll happily post that shit.

Anyway, we have a stellar group of links of the week before we bid you adieu. We'll let the J5 crooners take us into the weekend, because they may just be the only musicians out there who are more excited for the tournament than us.



One of our favorite links this week comes from our Fontes brother, Big Al, from the Wayne Fontes Experience. Big Al learned the hard way that if you make a bunch of old jokes about Jerry Green, columnist from the Detroit News, he'll send you an email 3 months later. Does anyone know any old people jokes? By the way, nice rebuttal Jerry. Did you really use the "Is that your age or your IQ" jab? I would think a journalist could do better than that tired shit.

Next up, I guarantee you this will be one of the funniest things you read in a quite some time. Ace picked up a tip that Michael Stipe is using his upcoming interview with Spin to out himself. In other shocking news, Ace reports that Dikembe Mutombo is black. He goes on to provide Stipe's adopted new names for REM classic tunes like "Everybody Hurts (Hey, You Know What Else Hurts? Eleven Inches of Hard Black Dong In Your Intestinal Tract. Hurts So Good, Yo)." Good lord.

Finally, we just learned about a blog that apparently the rest of the free world already discovered, but is damn funny: Stuff White People Like. They are running through some of the popular stuff the white folk enjoy like pretending they will move to Canada, dinner parties, and outdoor performance clothes. I despise dinner parties for the record.

The most deeply disturbing, yet totally amazing link of the week goes to the Deuce of Davenport. They've discovered the Eva Longoria blow up sex doll complete with three sex holes - or love cylinders as they describe them. Something tells me there is some litigious risk in this particular business venture.

What's the big deal; so some kindergartners are gambling? Haven't you seen the Wire? Gambling teaches kids all about math and prepares them for the future.

Finally, the link of the week for my favorite writer who crapped the bed goes to Michael Silver at Yahoo Sports for these Margaritaville alternate lyrics. It's actually kinda funny, but it just comes across so damn awkward trying to sing the words in your head.

The Official Allen Iverson Post

Wow, it sure has been a while since I wrote anything here, and for that I apologize. But you must understand that I am a very busy man. When you spend all of your time drinking, masturbating, and drinking while masturbating, it's hard to type anything worth reading. That being said, I'm going to keep writing gushing love letters to Lauren Phoenix asking her to marry me, because hey, you never know. Anyway, on Wednesday night Allen Iverson played his first game in Philadelphia since being traded to the Nuggets, and as a Philadelphian, I figured it was time to share my thoughts on the AI era. So here goes:

I love Allen Iverson.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it. No, he isn't perfect, but loving a perfect person is easy. It's finding a way to love the flaws that's the hard part. And oh, he is flawed. There is no doubt about that. But he deserved the standing ovation he got when his name was announced, and anyone who really thought the Philadelphia fans for whom he busted his ass every night for 11 years would boo him obviously knows nothing about Philly sports fans.

Are we loud? Yes. Obnoxious? Quite. Hard to please? Sure. But do we appreciate effort? Oh yes. If you play your heart out, we will love you, even if you aren't that good. (Although it really helps if you're good.) And Allen Iverson was good. (He still is, to be fair.) He is, with apologies to Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, the best Philadelphia athlete of my lifetime. And unless one of those guys wins a championship, that probably isn't going to change.

And yes, I'm fully aware Iverson did not win a championship here, but he put up better numbers than all of those guys. Even Utley. And he played harder. He's a first ballot hall of famer who played his heart out every minute of every game. (He is 4th all time in minutes per game average, at just over 40 per.) He is undersized, making him a natural underdog in a sport dominated by the freakishly tall. While he was by no means perfect, he was the perfect type of athlete for Philly: gritty, stubborn, hard working, and yes, occasionally gun toting.

When he was traded, we mourned as a city. Even those who did not like him here (and his detractors certainly exist) could not ignore what he meant to this city. He was Philadelphia, for better, and indeed for worse. And now he's gone. But Wednesday night we had him one more time, even if his uniform looked a little different. And even if he was playing for a different team, it just felt... right. He led all scorers, something he has done a few times before in that building. And even though the Sixers won, that was hardly in the forefront of anyone's mind.

One could argue that the Sixers (34-34) are a better team without Iverson, and one would probably be right. But they aren't better because he is gone. They would not be worse if you added him to their current roster. They may play more like a team now than they did when he was here, but that is because Andre Miller is one of the best point guards in the NBA, not because Iverson is a bad teammate or a selfish player. The best point guard Iverson ever played with was Eric Snow. Ask LeBron James how much he like playing with Eric.

The thing is, Iverson IS a team player. He has averaged close to 7 assists a game for his entire career. And that number would be higher if he ever played with guys who could shoot. You had to watch a lot of Sixers games to truly appreciate just how bad Iverson's supporting cast was for the majority of his tenure in Philly. He shot 30 times a game because that was the only way the Sixers were going to win. If you want proof that Iverson is capable of excelling when his teammates are talented, one needs to look no further than any of his all star game appearances. (Or, you could just look at the Nuggets.) He doesn't want to take every shot. He just wants to win.

And thats why I, and the majority of Philadephians, love Allen Iverson.

And we always will.

My Homer Pick for the Sleeper

Do NOT count out the Michigan State Spartans. Yup, let that soak in for just a second and before you start your own mental dialogue comeback...think about it. Everyone has a sleeper this time of year. We've all got "that" team we think is under the radar or that we've kind of discovered. It's kind of like enjoying a band on the cusp of greatness and then feeling alienated when said band becomes super famous. Translation, they are no longer just your band.

Ok, where the hell am I going with this? Well, my point is that no matter how many times you claim to have the sleeper, chances are they've already been pegged. For example, I've been riding shotgun on the Davidson sleeper bandwagon all season. However, we aren't even to opening tip-off and their name is being passed around like a bar slut. Stephen Curry; his name has leaked to the masses and hence the connection or the personalization I once felt, as if they were "MY" sleeper is gone.

So, that brings me back to my point and to square one. I'm slapping my sleeper tag on the good 'ole Michigan State Spartans. Homer call...my ass. Well, it probably is, but this team has all the ingredients to make the sleeper run happen. And please spare me the "they suck" or the "Big 10" sucks...yada yada. Sure, I know they've been inconsistent as all hell, but trust me. If ever there was a time to think they could swing the tide it'd be now.

Here's why...

1) Spite and Slight: Yup, this group feels dissed. You've got everybody with a microphone or a pen already moving Temple into the second round. Really, Temple? Generally what happens with Izzo led teams that are expected to underachieve in the tournament is...they gel. Look no further than 2005.

2) Izzo: That's right, do you honestly think Izzo won't have this team amped and ready to play this year? All Izzo ever hears about is how 4 Final Fours and 1 Championship in the last 10 years just ain't good enough. Is that so? Why? Is it because his teams have struggled during the regular season or underachieved? Well, how about all the friggin' times they overachieved? Izzo constructs teams for the tournament and prepares them to be mentally tough. What a lousy coach.

3) They CAN play with anybody: Ok, they can't beat Wisconsin, but they have beaten Texas the past two seasons and they hung with UCLA. Did you see them demolish Indiana? Look, I'm not saying they bring it every night, but when they do bring it...they can play. If they don't "gag" against Wisconsin...they probably go onto win the Big 10 Tournament and we aren't even having this talk. My point, they can play. They have the talent...oh yeah, they have the talent.

4) Talent: Didn't I just say that? Anyhow, if Raymar Morgan can stay out of foul trouble and or focus for an entire game that spells trouble for any opponent. Morgan is a true NBA caliber talent (relax - I'm not saying a Lottery pick), but he can dominate at times. They'll need it on a regular basis.

5) Why not? That's right...why not State? Neitzel has slumped all season and appeared to be on the cusp of snapping out of it during the Big 10 tourney. Do we really think he's going to want to walk away from the game with a first round loss to friggin' Temple?

OK, so I probably just jinxed Sparty. However, just think it over before you banish this team into exile before they tip-off at 9 AM PST tomorrow. I feel for you if you do, because you might be eating your brackets like so many did back in 2005. Cheers to the madness!

Ask An Expert: The Cable Guy

Ghosts: Welcome to another edition of Ask An Expert. Today, we are here live with Ernie “But My Friends Call Me Chip” Douglas. Thanks for joining us today Chip. I’ve been really looking forward to having you in the studio for a one on one. You know Chip, we at the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes have actually named a movie term after your film, the Cable Guy. It’s called a Mustache Movie; meaning it gets a little bit more badassss every time you see it. Quite the honor, if I do say so myself. Anyway, we look forward to picking your brain to hear your thoughts on the NCAA tournament this year.

Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burned by the molten lava!

Ghosts: OK, noted. Can I get you something to drink before we get started?

Chip Douglas: Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus?

Ghosts: Sure Chip. How ‘bout a Heiney? So, tell me what did you think of Duke this year?
Youa fan of the K?

Chip Douglas: Those guys have no determination. I’ll tell you about determination. Determination is waking up first thing in the morning everyday and skating the frozen river in Mystery, Alaska. Those guys play hockey when its 25 degrees below zero. It’s so cold they have to put hot coals from the fire in their skates so their feet don’t freeze. Now that is determination.

Ghosts: Interesting point Chip. What do you think about Indiana coming off the Kelvin Sampson scandal. Do you believe that the conspiracy and media firestorm put and end to their chances before they ever started?

Chip Douglas: Over? Did you say "over?" Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

It’s like when Teen Wolf does a handstand on top of Stiles’ Wolfmobile. It’s one thing to play it cool, but when you’re out flaunting it, you’re gonna get caught.

Ghosts: Have you seen this Love kid play at UCLA? He’s really something special, don’t you think?

Chip Douglas: He’s so hot right now.

Ghosts: Boy couldn’t see that one coming. What about USC, do you think they are for real?

Chip Douglas: This is more real than anything you will ever know!

Ghosts: Ooh, nice Real World reference. You really do watch a lot of TV. Hey, do you think fans from Georgia are dumb to think they have a legitimate shot in the tournament or are they a flash in the pan?

Chip Douglas: Look, mister, there's two kinds of dumb, uh... guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with.

Ghosts: Well said. Did you really learn the facts of life from the Facts of Life and if so, how does that show help you when you fill out your tournament bracket?

Chip Douglas: Are you running out of questions?

Ghosts: Uh, no.

Ghosts: You have a pretty good basketball game yourself, kinda feisty down low and ferocious on defense, did you ever dream of playing in the Final Four?

Chip Douglas: No, actually I really dreamed of skiing the K-12 more than anything. I’m a pretty lonely guy and if you ski the K-12, you can get Beth and Monique, not to mention you get to stuff it to that jerk, Roy Stalin.

Ghosts: Well, looks like we’re just about out of time here Chip. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us. Glad to see that lisp has cleared up.

Chip Douglas: Yeah, Dr. Swears. It really works. Oh and by the way, if one more person complains about Big Ten basketball, I'll come to your house and break your arm. This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

#67 - 2Pac "All Eyez on Me"

Editors Note: Continuing with the ongoing series "The Ghosts proudly present the Top 101 Albums…EVER." Worthy to note, this collection is comprised of OUR personal favorites and shouldn’t be used as a compass or declaration of what many music critics may have written or compiled in the past. This list is solely for the establishment and entertainment of, for and by the Ghosts. We will continue to randomly run our selections in no particular order. As usual, we encourage you to make us whole with your angst-ridden additions. Enjoy.

2Pac - All Eyez on Me

"The futures in my eyes, cause all I want is cash and thangs. A "five-double-oh-Benz" flauntin' flashy rings."

Overview: Of course, we didn't forget about this list. And storming the pages today is the one and only 2Pac. You certainly don't need a history briefing here. We all know 2Pac was one of the best rappers of all-time who died way too young. In any event, "All Eyez on Me" was not only 2Pac's crowning achievement it was his comeback and his departure all at once. 2Pac would be murdered that same year.

The record company would continue to release old or "lost" 2Pac recordings and still does so to this very day. However, very few of these if any will match up to the original 2Pac recordings or this particular album. 2Pac was fresh out of prison and signed his soul to Sugh Knight. And yet, what this pairing brought was 2Pac's finest and most revered collection. As with most 2Pac recordings, it's core is built on 2Pac's argumentative and open lyrics. This album runs on the anthem fuel and is still burning equally as strong today.

Where and When to Listen: It's still got lasting flavor and should be played to all moods.

Key Musical Highlights: It's never easy to narrow down this category for any album. However, when it comes to a "double-disc"...we're claiming it to be impossible. However, for the sake of argument, let's say the first disc is better than the 2nd. Good enough?

Legacy: As it's been repeated many a times, 2Pac passed away in the heart of his prime. He continued to evolve as a lyricist and thus many found a deeper appreciation in his music. This double edged recording is as close to a greatest hits compilation, as you can find. Yet, 2Pac would've still had a shitload more to add to the collection. His powerful music is clearly what defined him and this album leaves a lasting legacy.

Overall: Love him or hate him; there's no debating 2Pac's place in history. He was a talented, wise and honest performer. Every 2Pac record was from his heart and for himself. In that, I mean...never did Pac attempt to produce an album simply to sell records. He carried a certain passion about his music and that shines now and long after he's gone. Do you need me to go deeper? Nope. Good, that's why this album is smack dab on the Ghosts Top 101 EVER!

We Decided to Go With the Touch Passer

Despite a lot of rumors going around, the University of Michigan decided to pass on Terrelle Pryor in favor of a much more accurate passer in Stephen Threet. Threet possesses pinpoint accuracy and also plays in steel-toed workboots, so if you mention the words "Terrelle" or "Pryor" ever again, he will shatter both of your shins. Critics of the decision claim that Rich Rodriguez's spread offense would be better suited to a more mobile attention seeking whore like Ashely DuPre - oops, I mean Terrelle Pryor - but critics are stupid. Critics said Across the Universe was a good movie, so they can kiss my bright white ass.

Let's talk about basketball.

Don't be that NCAA Tournament Bracketeer

"We can hear the music, that's great. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food!" - Brandon from Just South of North.

OK fine, that was Gary from Weird Science, but here's Brandon...

We know you're excited about March Madness. We know you're excited about your team making the big dance for the first time since they introduced the three-point line. We know college basketball is way better than the Arena Football League.

However, that doesn't give you the right to be a complete and utter douche bag when it comes to filling out your bracket. There are social norms and expectations in the grand tradition of predicting the future. Hopefully you follow these rules and don't end up being one of these people...

The Person that picks all four #1 seeds to make it to the Final Four

They understand that it's not like upsets ever happen in the NCAA Tournament. In fact, the reason that it's so successful is that the better seed wins every single time. No drama, just consistency.

The Person that fills out his bracket in approximately three minutes

After you spend an hour or so looking up injury reports in close match ups and carefully considering the coaching battles that will be taking place, this guy (who's also a Pittsburgh Steelers fan for some reason) rifles through his bracket like he's filling out a DMV form. Then he comments about how he doesn't watch the NBA because they don't score enough, asks about how well Bobby Knight is doing at Texas Tech and wears his "19-0 New England Patriots" hat around the office.

The Person that fills out seventeen different brackets and then claims that he had the right bracket all along once it's all said and done

Way to make sure every mathematical possibility is covered, ass.

The Person that picks the games by deciding which mascot would win in a fight

"Oh a blue devil would mop up against a wildcat."

"But what about those Eagles, they could totally work a bulldog. They can fly!

Normally this person had restraining orders against co-workers whom he's driven insane.

The Person who is a complete homer

It's great to support your team and all, but do you really think Portland State is going to pull of five miracles and win it all? You're putting 50 dollars on it in a pool? Do you realize they play in a conference that many people think is a hunting club?

The Person who has inside information

Why can't they just admit they made a terrible pick. No one cares if your aunt's gardener's paper boy overhead the team trainer talking about how the star shooter is walking around with a limp. Even more so when that team is a 14-seed.

The Person who fills their bracket out two weeks into the tournament

Just go to hell.

Bracket Madness Re-Wind: Ladies of the 80's - Round 3

We're down to the Fab 4 of the 80s ladies bracket folks, so don't quit on us yet. After an uneventful elite 8, things should get interesting as we wind down to the big dance. We'll spare you the wordy banter and cut right to the chase. Let's get it on...

By the way, we're doing our write-ups entirely with rhyming poetry for no particular reason other than that this is getting pretty boring already.

#1 - Linda Barrett (better known as Phoebe Cates) - Fast Times At Ridgemont High:

We should have known from the start, that Cates had the men's hearts since those two body parts are such true works of art.

When we saw Reinhold wank on his slime pole, it was clear Cates had control of this particular public opinion poll.

Vs.

#5 Cindy Mancini - Can’t Buy me Love:

Perhaps if we could sneak a peak underneath that cloth sheath, she too would go from totally geek to totally sheik.

But this time it will take more than a new suede jacket for an upset in this bracket, because when competing with Phoebe, there's no chance she hack it.

Linda Barrett (Cates) Vs. Cindy Mancini
	Linda
	Cindy
pollcode.com free polls

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#6 Lisa (a.k.a Kelly LeBrock) Weird Science -

What we wouldn't give for a night at the Hyatt with the test tube creation of Gary and Wyatt.

Her round two story tale is more impressive than defeating a killer whale, finding the Holy Grail, learning to read Braille, and breaking out of Jail. Then again, maybe we overestimated the clout of the niece of Judge Schmails.

Vs.

#2 - Star (a.k.a Jamie Gertz) - Lost Boys:

Stick a fork in this dud, because she might drink your blood and she looks like pure crud.

Matchups that look like Roseanne Barr got her this far, but she'll need to play like Jabar or else it's au revior, Star.

Lisa Vs. Star
	Lisa
	Star
pollcode.com free polls

One Timers: The Week That Won't End

It's been a while since we pulled the One Timers out of the bag of tricks for some rapid fire shooting. Since we're well underway in the longest three days of the working year, now is a good time to start up some chatter. Cheers to God for hooking us up with Good Friday during March Madness this year. Thanks God; you're the fucking shit.

First up, a couple sources are reporting the the wait for Terrelle Pryor should end this week... finally. Both Gator Bait - the Florida Gators Rivals affiliate - and the Philadelphia Daily News say it's down to the the wire. Ohio State and Michigan remain in the hunt, but according to Rivals, the Buckeyes have the clear edge.

Next up, we might as well touch on some bracketology. I have no sage-like wisdom to provide you as to who has the matchup advantages yet; I haven't really scoured the brackets yet. Rather, I just know a few teams in the back of my mind that I'm kicking around to possibly cut the nets in about a month. You see, I live and die by the old contrarian bracket management strategy. I never pick a super-duper favorite like a UNC or UCLA - even though they are best the contenders who we will most likely see go 6 games deep. I just never feel like the chances of winning the cash with on of these teams is a great bet. Too many people pick the favorites, that even if you get it right, you're probably not gonna win. Thus, I'm favoring Memphis to take it. (real crazy, right?) They are still a big time favorite, but sorta slipped off the radar in the last two weeks as the conference championships heated up. Also, Georgetown is a legit contender that should probably only see one or two NCAA championship picks per bracket. They are a tournament tested team with tough D and a star in the paint. You could do a lot worse. Finally, I like Clemson to make a deep run. I have been following them all year, and despite all the people who saying that they turned it on late in the season; they had it on all year. This is a really good team.

Next, did you see that the Big Lead revealed their identity? Normally, I wouldn't really make a big fuss, but I actually remembered this dude's face immediately from some paparazzi, tabloid-like sports writing in the NYC Metro a few years back. I really despised those little snippets back then and grew to sorta dislike the guy, so I am kind of in shock (but I hate anything tabloidy like that). The Big Lead is really top-notch quality though, so I'm guessing he was just payin' the bills at Metro. That paper is bunk.

Along that same vein, what's the big deal about bloggers not revealing their identities all about? Costas addressed it in his blogger rant; Richard Deitsch mentioned it the the aforementioned Big Lead story; and S.L. Roberts mentioned it in her interview with - of course - the Big Lead. A lot of members of the "real media" seem somewhat irked that a lot of blogs prefer to remain anonymous - perhaps because they think it is some ploy whereby the rogue nutbags seek to attack them without worrying about the repercussions. That's way off. I think I speak for most anonymous bloggers when I say it's because we have real jobs that are actually surprisingly good and more important to us than these blogs - though probably not by choice. Blogs are hobbies and don't pay for shit. We don't need our employers finding out about them, because it's not exactly a blooming flower of productivity to maintain a blog every day. I'm guessing if you wanna start providing the health insurance, most bloggers would be happy to tell you their name.

OK, one more blog related topic... Do you think a blog a meritocracy? I used to think it was really one of the few true meritocracies in the world, but that belief has since faded. To an extent, the best blogs will earn an audience and if the quality stays high, the readers will come back. On the contrary, I've since come to realize that the more you spam out you're stories, the more readers you will inevitably get. It's a fact. So, while most blogs send out a couple links a week when they feel they are good, the ones who send out everything will still probably grow faster. So, the answer is that blogging is sort of a meritocracy and it's also a lot of marketing.

Alright, let's get back to sports. Glenn Dorsey's agent just had quadruple bypass surgery after reading this nightmare of an article. The Jaguars official website reported that Dorsey may have undergone a mysterious, secret knee surgery. OK, maybe that anonymity thing does have some merit. This is crossing the line, speculating on mystery surgeries that players may or may not have underwent. What pick are the Jaguars again?

Finally, wanna see the weirdest thing of all time? Check out this acid flashback my friends and I encountered today. This was one of our regular substitute teachers from elementary school all the way through high school.

We'll get the next round of the 80s tourney up tonight. Happy Play-In Game Day, folks!

Bracket Madness Re-Wind: Ladies of the 80's - Round 2

This is it folks. Selection Sunday is here and the play-in game is just a couple short days away. It's Christmas for big kids. The first round of our attempt to help pass the time went over better than we could have ever dreamed. Just like the real thing, the 80s Ladies provided some real surprises and down-to-the-wire excitement in Round 1. Hopefully, Round 2 will provide more of the same. So without further ado, ding the bell yo, because Round 2 is underway.

#1 - Linda Barrett (better known as Phoebe Cates) - Fast Times At Ridgemont High: Phoebe proved that she deserves the #1 seed as she literally just destroyed Bill's Mom in round 1. We can't be too confident though; Bill's Mom showed up shooting Jim Rim's like Bill Laimbeer and proved to be a lousy #16 seed. Phoebe racked in over 11,000 votes, while Bill's Mom couldn't even crack 1,000. This one was over before it even started. When it comes down to it, a hot #1 seed who bared her juggernauts is gonna be tough to beat.

Vs.

#9 - Betty Childs - Revenge of the Nerds: Betty cruised past her first round opponent, but I think Betty would probably have a much better chance of victory in Round 2 if she didn't look like an alien in our picture over there. But hey, it's March and anything can happen. I'm sure we can all attest to dreaming about taking Betty to that Moon room waterbed at the Greek Carnival, so she might have a better chance than we think.

Linda Barret Vs. Betty Childs
	Linda
	Betty
pollcode.com free polls

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#4 - Ali Mills - Karate Kid: Does anyone really care about this one. Ali is cute and all, but she only advanced to the second round, because her first round matchup was garbage. Pam House from Summer School? The real talent from Summer School is the exchange student. I mean, Pam House is the loser who went out with Billy on Melrose Place. Anyway, Ali may have a long-shot chance of advancing simply due to the fact that she was willing to slum it with Daniel down in Recita, while the Cobra Kais we're ballin' at their beach houses.

Vs.

#5 Cindy Mancini - Can’t Buy me Love: We knew Mancini would be tough, but we didn't expect anything near the level of dominance she brought in Round 1. She ripped the house down in an 88% blowout over Dottie from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. This is another where the competition was weak though, so it's hard to gauge if she can really take it deep in this tourney. Has anyone seen Mancini in the last 15 years by the way? Isn't about time she shows up on an episode of 24 as Rick Schroeder's estranged loose cannon love interest?

Ali Mills Vs. Cindy Mancini
	Ali
	Cindy
pollcode.com free polls

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#6 Lisa (a.k.a Kelly LeBrock) Weird Science - Alright, we admit it. We totally botched that first round matchup, pitting LeBrock against Brinkley. That very well could have been a #1 and #2 combo. Unfortunately, Brinkley couldn't hold on and took a shocking early exit. I would have pegged Brinkley to take the crown actually, so LeBrock looks poised to possibly run the table. Wyatt and Gary would be proud as their well-dressed sexy creation is clearly gonna make her presence known in this tournament. She has her work cut out for her though as Lacey is not about to roll over and die on us.

Vs.

#3 - Lacey Underall - Caddyshack: This looks to be the matchup of the Round right here. Lacey versus LeBrock is the featured night game for sure as these two are very sturdy competitors. The perky Underall might have an advantage as there seems to be a theme developing here in this tournament; the voters definitely favor the ladies who put out. Well, Lacey proved that variety is the spice of life as she got down with Noonan and even gave Denunzio the time of day. Despite being an 80s goddess, she seems like a flooze who would have put out for any of us, so that should help her in the balloting.

Lisa (Kelly LeBrock) Vs. Lacey Underalls
	Lisa
	Lacey
pollcode.com free polls

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#7 - Claire Standish - Breakfast Club: To be honest, I never really got the attraction with Claire. She is cute and unique looking, but certainly not high on my list from the 80s. Her movies kicked as though and I guess it'd cool that she puts lipstick on without using hands. Actually, that is the stupidest part of the movie, but we wold hold it against her. The only chance Claire has of taking it deep in March is if she wins based on Breakfast Club fan votes. She's out of her league with the rest of the foxes in the elite 8.

Vs.

#2 - Star (a.k.a Jamie Gertz) - Lost Boys: Aided by Stan's vampire fetish and marketing campaign, Star staged a tremendous comeback in Round 1. Gail Stanwyk held a comfortable lead in the early going, but Star pulled it out by a 54% to 46% margin in the end. She has another good draw here against Claire from the Breakfast Club. While Star lacks the fame and acclaim of Molly Ringwald, she is easier on the eyes by a longshot. I expect we'll see her in the semis. Plus, her friends will eat your neck if you don't vote for her.

Claire Vs. Star
	Claire
	Star
pollcode.com free polls

Bracket Madness Re-Wind: Ladies of the 80's

As you may have seen on this very space about a year ago; we ran our own little bracket challenge of "Hot Chicks." Yes, I know...real fucking original and quick to the punchline. Yet, still we felt no blog would be official without an attempt to come up with a witty riff on the Field of 64. And if you know us well enough or read us on a regular basis, we never tend to do things the conventional way. Long story short, we got ahead of ourselves and tried to chart out a field of 64 and actually vote on it.

Disaster averted, we're opted to move on to a much briefer - and hopefully better - version of whoring out of T&A this year. I'm not sure how late we are with this year's bracket of sexiness, but who cares? Besides, this isn't your run of the mill...usual suspects. Nope, you'll certainly be surprised by our bracket of 1980's film vixens...I hope. Anyhow, just hang with me on this one. As always we urge all opinions and hatred to be expressed collectively amongst our readers as well. Therefore, your feedback is once again greatly encouraged in the comments section below.

Without any further foreplay; the Ladies of the 80's...

#1 - Linda Barrett (better known as Phoebe Cates) - Fast Times At Ridgemont High: Is there really any reason to look further into the brackets? The scene needs little refresher, as I feel for you if it's not embedded in your brain. Who could fault Brad Hamilton? We've all had "Hamilton" like thoughts...or, um activities when it comes to that scene. And that's why it'd be damn impossible for Phoebes to not enter this bracket as the clear cut favorite. See exhibit A, to your left as further evidence.

Vs.

#16 Bill's mom (a.k.a Missy Preston) - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure: You do know a #16 has never toppled a top seed, right? I say fuck that shit. Bill's mom flies so far under the radar she's almost moth-like. Lookout though Phoebe, she has it goin' on, so don't look past the first round. Just because Bill's mom was a peripheral character with minimal camera time, doesn't mean she is not a threat to go all the way.

Linda Barrett Vs. Bill's Mom
	Linda Barrett
	Bill's Mom
pollcode.com free polls

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# 8 - Andy Carmichael - Goonies: You were born without a penis if you weren't captivated by adorable Andy back in the day. She had all the makings of the good natured, down-to-earth and highly attainable girl. Least, you remember her role in "Lucas"? A remarkable sweetheart of the 80's. Although, her one drawback was her attraction to midgets; Sean Austin and Corey Haim. Oh, well.

Vs.

#9 - Betty Childs - Revenge of the Nerds: Who says the committee doesn't look for "intriguing" match-ups. Ms. Childs may have fell in love with a nerd, but let's get things straight...she was a bitch. She dated fucking Stan Gable and probably slept with half the Alpha Betas. Let's not forget her sabotaging Gilbert and Lewis into getting shit hazed by Gable and his cronies. This is your typical good girl vs. bad girl match-up...in a battle to the death.

Andy Carmichael Vs. Betty Childs
	Andy
	Betty
pollcode.com free polls

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#4 - Ali Mills - Karate Kid: Another one of those All-American girls, innocent, nice and sweet. I know; I sound like pervert, but you have to understand the relevance these ladies played in my life. Am I wrong? Who didn't dream of learning Karate and ending up with the super-hot chick that our enemy wanted just as bad. OK, I dreamt to much as a kid. You may also remember this fine lady from the hit "Adventures in Babysitting." Or I could've just said Elizabeth Shue. Either way.

Vs.

#13 - Pam House - Summer School: ***Sleeper Alert*** This beauty is by far the "under the radar" cutie who took part in several 80's flicks and later moved onto to be a regular star on what we'd call scripted TV shows. Yet, I'm pointing out her role in "Summer School" for purposes of this here bracket. She might not have the flash, but she's still got the talent. Hence, the mid-major nod.

Ali Mills Vs. Pam House
	Ali Mills
	Pan House
pollcode.com free polls

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#5 Cindy Mancini - Can’t Buy me Love: Considered quite the dark-horse and technically speaking, I'm not sure if she is even still alive. Her imdb.com profile has been virtually empty since she starred as the sexy Cindy Mancini in “Can’t Buy Me Love.” Yet, there was simply no chance this childhood crush would be left off this board. No doubt; I definitely would’ve bought her the suede jacket over a fucking lame ass telescope any day of the week. I still dream about dry humping her in “Umbros”…on a daily basis.

Vs.

#12 Dottie - Pee Wee's Big Adventure: Look, I was like 8 years old when a lot of these movies came out; weird tastes. At first, I expected this #5 vs. #12 to be a total blowout in favor of Mancini, but Dottie has actually aged quite well in a bloated collagen, bang some bikers kinda way.

Cindi Mancini Vs. Dottie
	Cindi Mancini
	Dottie
pollcode.com free polls

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#6 Lisa (a.k.a Kelly LeBrock) Weird Science - Um, if I were to create the "perfect" woman it would be Kelly LeBrock circa 1985. WOW! Gary and Wyatt created something special. Everyone wanted a piece and she's gotta have a chip on her shoulder for being seeded so low. It was tough for me to slide Kelly so low in the bracket. I mean afterall the first "bush" I ever saw was her's in "Woman in Red." 'Twas then I discovered masturbation.

Vs.

#11 -The Girl in the Ferrari (a.k.a Christie Brinkley) - Vacation: Oh! Christie, you were my first love. Those flowing white robe dresses or whatever those were, made me crazy. To this day, every time I see a 1980 Red Ferarri on the freeway while listening to my favorite song, Little Boy Sweet... I think of you. So, needless to say; I haven't thought of you in a while and when I finally see that Red Ferarri...I'm let down when I glance over and it's Steve Sanders behind the wheel.

Lisa Vs. Girl in the Red Ferarri
	Lisa
	Girl in the Red Ferarri
pollcode.com free polls

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#3 - Lacey Underall - Caddyshack: Writing a clip here could do her very little justice. "Madonna with Meatballs." Enough said. You know her very well, I hope. This is her "chance" to shine in the brackets. Ever since she seduced Ty Webb, it's been a slippery slope. It's a shame she didn't take over like many predicted after hoggin' the love in Caddyshack. Well, at least she's got the Ghosts"re-wind" to restore some pride.

Vs.

#14 - Sloan Peterson - Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Another one of those dark horses in the bracket. She really doesn't bring a "lot" to the table and considering her competition...it could be a "one-and-done" scenario. However, never underestimate the craftiness of Sloan. Consider how she was able to play off the possible family death and sneak it by Ed Rooney, simply to enjoy the day of her life with Ferris? She's crafty.

Lacey Underall Vs. Sloan Peterson
	Lacey Underall
	Sloan Peterson
pollcode.com free polls

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#7 - Claire Standish - Breakfast Club: Yup, it would've been easy toss around any Molly Ringwald character, but I chose the esteemed Claire. She was a touch of a prude, but still a tad more likeable than Sam in "Sixteen Candles" and a shade more mysterious than Andie in "Pretty in Pink." Quite honestly, it would've been a damn shame if there was an 80's ladies bracket without some form of Molly.

Vs.

#10 - Beth - Better Off Dead: "Gee, Layne I happened to notice you weren't dating Beth anymore and I was wondering...yada, yada, yada." If everybody in Greendale wanted her, figure it out. She holds the dear privilege of making this bracket not only for her esteemed role in "Better Off Dead", but for all her contributions to 80's films. Need I remind you she is the first person EVER to be OFFICIALLY murdered by Freddy Kreuger in a dream sequence. Not bad, not bad at all. Where was I? Oh yeah, seriously...how could she choose Stalin?

Claire Vs. Beth
	Claire
	Beth
pollcode.com free polls

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#2 - Star (a.k.a Jamie Gertz) - Lost Boys: When it comes to being mysteriously sexy, Star takes the cake. I mean seriously, what the hell was Michael thinking when he went after the mysterious chick who happened to hang out with Vampires? Oh well, Star is going to give anybody a run in this tournament, based on her sexiness alone and not because of who she hangs out with.

Vs.

#15 Gail Stanwyk - Fletch: In the #15 seed, Gail Stanwyk is probably not the prettiest girl at the dance or the most well-endowed, but she is one of the characters that grows on you. Perhaps it's the thought of sneaking around with her in that secret little cabana at the club eating steak sandwiches together. She definitely has a mature allure that roped many in at an early age and continues to seduce us all on TNT on a near-weekly basis. While, she will have a tough time getting out of the first round, Stanwyk is certainly a veritable force from the mid-majors.

Star Vs. Gail Stanwyk
	Star
	Gail Stanwyk
pollcode.com free polls

Round 2 and round 3 are both up and running. You can check 'em out by clicking right here or right here, respectively.

The Truth about Mr. Miyagi

by Dan Sullivan

In search of a break from the painfully annoying Daniel,” Mr. Miyagi” finds temporary refuge in a local watering hole on the outskirts of Recita. His plans for a quiet afternoon with his thoughts and a bottle of booze are stymied, however, by a curious bartender wanting to know the truth about the Karate Kid.

Bartender: What can I get for you?

Miyagi: I need a Tequila.

Bartender: Well, I’ve got about 6 different kinds. It’s the local drink.

Miyagi: I thought this was a Gringo bar.

Bartender: No such thing anymore. Not around here, at least. Customers typically go with this one—Aha Toro.

Miyagi: Sounds fine. Leave the bottle, please.

The bartender sets the bottle on the table along with two shot glasses.

Bartender: Mind if I do one with you? It’s been a s-l-o-w day.

Miyagi: Sure, why not.

The bartender pours two shots and raises he glass to toast his customer, but Miyagi drinks his immediately and then taps the bar for a refill.

Bartender: You been in here before?

Miyagi: No, first time.

Bartender: You look kinda familiar.

Miyagi: I get that a lot.

Bartender: Going fishin’ huh?

Miyagi: Fishing?

Bartender: Yeah, your gear there.

Miyagi: The gear? Oh, that [muttering] I’d almost forgot about that. No, Im not going fishing. It’s a prop, of sorts….

Bartender: Let me guess: the wife is getting after you to mow the lawn and you told her “sorry, honey but I’ve got plans with the boys.”

Miyagi: [growing somewhat irritated] No, not really. I’m 74 years old, so not too many of “the boys” are around anymore. And I’ve never have a wife—nor a lawn, for that matter. But I do have a garden, a beautiful Garden with plants and foliage from the around the world—

Bartender: Sorry, I didn’t mean to—

Miyagi: No, no—don’t worry.

Bartender: You know, you’re English is very good.

Miyagi: I was born here. It’s my native tongue.

Bartender: Hmm, I thought I heard you speaking with some, uh, challenges on the pay phone when you came in. Here, this next one is on me.

Miyagi: Oh, you mean like this? [in heavily-accented Asian English] Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off! Yeah, I have to talk that way from time-to-time…. Hey, let me ask you something: do you know any Italians?

Bartender: Italians? This is California, buddy, not Sicily.

Miyagi: Sorry, I mean Italian-Americans.

Bartender: Oh, I suppose I’ve known a few over the years.

Miyagi: And?

Bartender: “And” what?

Miyagi: What did you think?

Bartender: I didn’t. I mean, not in those terms. I mean, Americans are pretty much Americans. The idea of the Melting Pot, that whole thing.

Miyagi: See, that’s what I always thought—about everyone. But then about a month ago I met a couple of them. And I hate them both passionately, and so I’m wondering if it’s a cultural thing, or an East Coast thing, or if it’s just them being douche bags.

Bartender: Does this, by chance, have something to do with pretending to go fishing?

Miyagi: [sighing] Yes, it does.

Bartender: You wanna talk about it?

Miyagi: Not really, but what the hell… Okay, this obnoxious woman and her idiot son moved into the apartment complex where I work. The woman is insufferable—she thinks everyone out here is beautiful, and rich, and perfect; and she thinks she is gonna be beautiful and rich and perfect… She must’ve of read Silas Marner or something before she moved here. Plus, she’s always after me about her leaky faucet. I wanna say “Lady, take a look around! There isn’t even any water in the fucking pool! What apartment complex do you think this is?”

Bartender: Sounds terrible.

Miyagi: Oh, that’s not the half of it. It’s her idiot fuckhead son, Daniel, who really pisses me off. From the moment he got here, all he does is complain about how New Jersey is so much better. It’s “Jersey-this, Jersey-that”, and he cries to his mom [imitating Daniel] “Mom, I wanna go home, why can’t we just go home?” He’s an unbelievable pussy.

Bartender: So the mom thinks its paradise here and the kid thinks its hell on earth?

Miyagi: Something like that, yeah.

Bartender: So, aside from the faucet, how does any of this involve you?

Miyagi: Well, I’m getting to that. About a week after he gets here, he starts messing around with this Chick, Ali who, I have to admit, is pretty fucking hot. Great rack, plump ass. Rich, too. I can’t believe she’d even take an interest in this Daniel-joker. I mean, he wears cut off T-shirts and sports jerseys! And you should see the gay bicycle he rides around on!

Bartender: Another shot?

Miyagi: God, yes—thanks. Anyway, this Ali happens to have a boy friend with a black belt in karate—Jonny. When this guy learns about Daniel messing with his lady, he throws him a couple of well-deserved beatings.

Bartender: Okay…

Miyagi: Well, despite getting his ass thoroughly kicked, Daniel—fuckface loser that he is—doesn’t back off. Instead, he tries to get even with Jonny by spraying him with a hose or some shit at a Halloween party. Like a little water is gonna deter a black belt! So, Jonny rounds up his gang—who are also pretty kickass dudes; I mean, they run the school and have sweet motorcycles—chase Daniel down, and really kick the shit out of him. Jonny even reminds him “Asshole, I gave you a chance, but you couldn’t leave well enough alone.”

Bartender: Man, I got the shit kicked out me once and it sure taught me a lesson. I never fucked with that guy again.

Miyagi: I know! What is so obvious to the rest of us doesn’t make the slightest impression on this idiot Daniel because he keeps going back for more. Pour me another one, would ya?

Bartender: Sure thing. This is all very amusing, and this Daniel sounds like a real loser, but I don’t quite see your involvement here…

Miyagi: [takes a shot, winces, then says] Well, it’s at this exact moment that my stupidity becomes eminently clear and my involvement pretty much irrevocable. The night Jonny and his buddies kick the crap out of Daniel, I happen to be working late and catch the whole thing from my office. At first, I was like “Yeah! Kick that fucker’s ass! Shut him up for good! ” I mean, I was psyched to see him get his comeuppance. But then I started thinking: what if they accidentally kill him? These dudes are black belts whereas Daniel is a sack of shit. You should see this kid—absolutely pathetic! I mean, what was he thinking messing with these guys?! Anyway, foolishly, I started to worry that Jonny and his friends might exceeded their boundaries or whatever, and put the wimpy homo out of commission, permanently.
Bartender: And you couldn’t live with yourself if that happened.

Miyagi: The hell I couldn’t. That Daniel kid fucked up one of my Bonzai trees. And I had to give another to his mother. But more than that, I like that Jonny. He’s got a bright future. He’s a straight-A student, comes from a great family, he’s a talented athlete, and he scores the hottest chicks at school. Plus, I like the fact that he pounds the shit out of Daniel from time to time. No, I didn’t want to sit by and watch him throw his future away on some fucking Jersey transplant.

Bartender: So, what did you do?

Miyagi: Well, without going into any details, I broke it up.

Bartender: Okay, but so what?

Miyagi: Well, when Daniel came to, he asked what happened and I told him that I used my Karate to break it up.

Bartender: You know karate?

Miyagi: Are you kidding me? I don’t know the first thing about defending myself, karate or otherwise.

Bartender: So why did you tell him that?

Miyagi [in agonizing tones] Oh man, I don’t know… I just got done smoking a huge joint so I thought it would be funny. I mean, he and I never really interacted before—it was always me and his big-haired mom. So, when he wakes up from his thrashing, I spoke all Chinese-y or whatever, and told him that my name is “Miyagi” and that I saved him from the bullies with my Karate. My name is Jeff and I’ve never been in a fight in my life.

Bartender: Ha, ha. That’s pretty funny. So then what happened?

Jeff: Well, now he fucking follows me around wherever I go. It’s “Mr. Miyagi-this, Mr. Miyagi-that”. He shows up at my Bonzai room at all hours of the day. “Mr. Miyagi, teach me Karate! Mr. Miyagi, fix my bicycle! Mr. Miyagi, that’s a cool little tree! Mr. Miyagi, tell Jonny to stop beating me up!” It’s unbearable!
Bartender: Oh, come on, Jeff! This one’s easy! Just tell him that you were lying about knowing Karate and you’re done with him.

Jeff: Well, that’s exactly what I was going to do. But this was like two weeks ago and a lot has happened since then.

Bartender: Yeah?

Jeff: Yeah. For starters, I had a run-in with Jonny’s Karate teacher. He said I had to enter Daniel in the All-Valley Karate Tournament over Thanksgiving or else it would be my ass.

Bartender: So, if Daniel doesn’t enter, this guy is going to come after you?

Jeff: Right! And you should see this dude! Former Marine, two tours in ‘Nam, heavily decorated—all that shit. I went down to his Do Jo one day to try to get out of this mess only to find him beating the crap outta one of his students for losing his concentration. FOR LOSING CONCENTRATION! What do you think he would do to someone for lying and cheating him?? My god, he’d kill me…

Bartender: Okay, this sounds pretty rough, but by no means insurmountable. Just enter Daniel in the tourney and bide your time until Thanksgiving.

Jeff: Well, that’s what I’ve been doing. I went to the library and checked out some “Karate For Dummies” books--I figure I can get at least a few days’ mileage out of that. And, since he’s always creeping around my place, I try to get uncontrollably drunk at least once a week and then pretend to cry over a wife I supposedly lost in the war—that seems to keep him away. And yesterday, I put on some old catcher’s gear and told him he could punch me in the chest if he wanted…But man, I’m running out of ideas.

Bartender: Yeah, that’s tough to stretch out for sure. Where is he now?

Jeff: He’s at my house as we speak, hence the fishing gear. [laughing] I’m having him paint my fence and house, sand my floors, wax a few of the cars…. I’m hoping he’ll tire out and find a new teacher. If not, I’ll just tell him he’s learning some new Karate moves or something.

Bartender: Oh, come on—he’ll never fall for that!

Jeff: You’d be surprised, man. That idiot has been working on my house for the past three days and hasn’t said a word. He really seems to think I’m this all-knowing guru or something. Just last week, I got some water in my ear at the beach, so I start shaking my head and jumping up and down, trying to get it out. He runs over to me with all this enthusiasm, asking “Hey Mr. Miyagi, what was that move you were doing? That was awesome! When am I gonna learn that, huh, Mr. Miyagi, huh!?” I was like “What are you talking about, you fucking idiot? I was trying to dislodge some water from my ear.” But I instead I go “Oh, Daniel-san, It call ‘The Crane technique’. Very hard to master, but impossible to defend—Aye!” Ha, ha! I could barely keep a straight face! In fact, I thought for sure I pushed it too far and the gig was up. But next think I know, this idiot is jumping up and down on stump trying to learn “The Crane Technique”! I almost choked to death on my own laughter! Ha, ha! What a fucking moron!!

Bartender: Come on, guy. Now you are fucking with me… Nobody is that fucking dumb!

Jeff: Oh man, I know! I keep thinking the same thing! Even if this Do Jo marine guy figures out what is going on and kills me, at least I got to torment this fucking kid for a month or so! Not to mention how great my house is gonna look when it’s all said and done!

Bartender: Beautiful, man, just beautiful. Should I line up a couple of more?

Jeff: By all means, yes!

Which One Of These Is Not Like The Others?

What do you think of when you read the following three names: Bill Davidson, Mike Illich, and William Clay Ford, Sr.?

Well, let's knock out the obvious ones quick like balls older than Stonehenge, shitty cars and delicious crazy bread, or crotchety rich guys that you don't know much about besides that they are loaded and own some sports teams.

These three are the tycoons in charge of all of the major Detroit pro sports franchises. Mike Illich, the longtime owner of the Tigers and Red Wings is the entrepreneur behind the world's weirdest mozzarella cheese (i.e., Little Caesar's Pizza), Davidson owns the Pistons as well as a glass empire, and well, William Clay Ford Jr. likes to wreck stuff.

In an interesting article for the Detroit News, Joanne Gerster pieced together some speculation about the succession plans of each of these individuals given that they are all reaching their golden years. While it's all more or less an educated guess, it looks like Ford and Illich will likely keep control in the family, while Davidson's heir is anybody's best guess.

What really jumped out about this article though was this little factoid and passive aggressive jab...

"Davidson and Ilitch are self-made entrepreneurs, so they're used to being leaders with particular driving visions," Rowady said. "They've set up their teams', organizations' management as reflections of themselves. They're more than just good investments to them; they're vehicles to produce results in terms of championships. They want their legacy to continue.

"Ford is different. His family has a history, a lot of experience in passing down businesses and billions of wealth. It's not a big deal for them. I think that's why perhaps Ford appears to be less driven as an owner. He's always had his money. Ilitch and Davidson have had to make their way on their own."

Not that this is even remotely surprising, but isn't it time somebody steps in and puts an end to the nepotism in Detroit. I know there is no way to take the team out of the control of the Ford's hands, but we need an active owner with some competitive drive - not another Ford who has nothing to gain and a track record of losing. So what's the answer? I don't know, but I suspect it rests with the stock holders of the Ford corporation.

In reality, one thing has nothing to do with the other and the stockholders have no real clout in the decision, but they are the only people who can penetrate the thick Ford skulls. The terrible performance of the company was enough to mobilize for a new CEO of the company, so perhaps somehow they could use that clout to instill some decent new leadership at Ford Field. The Fords can even keep their name on the door and take a cushy role as chairperson in charge of strategic planning (i.e., Bill Ford's job at Ford). So please, hedge fund investors, for the love of sports and the American way, call a proxy vote, make up a story about the Lions being a "distraction," or short a bunch of stock. Just help us boot these assholes from behind the Lion's control panel. Please help us. The nepotism has to end.

NCAA Power Ranks: March Prep-Sheet

A week from today every man, woman and child who gives a damn about March Madness will be prancing around proudly with a bracket sheet in hand. Fresh ink and all with the proclamation of perfection. Somebody you know has a pool and you've got the swagger to win it. Shit, welcome to the party pal...we're all feeling that way. And let me be the first to say it's damn annoying to run these brackets year in and year out, but that's another story.

I'm ready. Ready for the Madness to ensue. Ready to skip work on Thursday and Friday of next week to drink, wager and watch game after game. Ready to watch "MY" perfect bracket unfold. And so, in a slight tweak of the Power Ranks this is just a low down guide that you should consider using as a compass through March and filling out your own brackets. Look, no need to brag or boast...we all have our style. And take it from me, I don't claim to be an expert. Rather, here is just one man's observations.

Of course, I should note that I can recite every single Final Four since the year I was born in my sleep. Not saying anything...figured I'd just shovel that in for you. Now, let's take a look-see.

The Favorites: Do I really need to elaborate?

North Carolina - If Saturday night wasn't convincing enough for you, then I can't help you. When they turn it up on notch, they are the best team. They have depth, talent, athletes, shooters, NBA caliber prospects and let's throw in the bitter taste from last season's collapse in the Elite Eight against Georgetown. Um, did I mention they haven't lost a game on the road all season. Hansbrough is on a mission, love him or hate him...you can't deny that. On all cylinders this team wins this tournament rather easily. If they get shaky, they can be beat.

UCLA - Call them lucky, call them fortunate, but be sure to call them GOOD. Wait, call them great. They've got a shitload of NBA talent, which always seems to be a good recipe for March. They've got a solid Point Guard and Coach combination, perfect for March. They play lock down defense and have a boatload of tourney experience. Don't we all just want to see UCLA vs. North Carolina? Isn't it obvious?

Kansas - Anybody, but Bill Self. You almost wish this team snagged an injury to rally around so Bill Self wouldn't have to say "we had the more talented team, but couldn't close it out in the Elite Eight." That's a scary trend for Bill Self teams. And this team should NOT, repeat NOT, fall victim to that circumstance this season. It'd be a shame if they aren't able to take a swipe at the title in the Final Four.

Tennessee - At some point the run and gun, runs out of gas. And do we really know how good the SEC really is? Seriously, the Vols have every chance as the other big dogs to rip off six straight wins. Let's also factor in the sting from "gagging" against Ohio State last season. Thanks fellas, I had you in my Final Four last year.

Final Four Caliber: They can get there, but that's about all.

Louisville - Who isn't going to pick them in their bracket? Oh yeah, the sexy #3 seed to make it to the Final Four. Just like Texas A&M last season. Here is your probable most likely to be pegged as Final Four team in 50% of ESPN.com brackets.

Texas - I'm not doubting Augustine getting hot and dragging this team to the Final Four, where they get stomped by Love or Hansbrough in the paint.

Memphis - They've kind of slipped off the radar since they lost to the Vols. However, do you really trust a team that can't shoot free throws to win a National Championship? Sure, it may work to shoot 55% from the charity stripe when you're waxing Conference USA opponents, but once you hit the Sweet 16 the margin for error becomes slim and none. They do have the talent to get the Final Four, but to win it? Come on.

Connecticut - I just like this team. Calhoun is a master in March and pending where the land in the brackets...they could quietly sneak into the Final Four. They've got the talent. They do.

Sleepers: Yup, these are the teams that are prime to pull off a few upsets and that's how they're defined. These are NOT teams capable of winning it all, just opening some eyes and burning some brackets.

Davidson - This team needs very little introduction. Yeah sure, you know they've won 22 straight games, but check this...they played North Carolina and Duke each down to the wire on a neutral court. Del Curry's son has the makings and capabilities of a Danny Manning like swing on the tournament. And I'm not even kidding.

Clemson - This teams is Senior laden, experienced (not in the NCAA tourney), very athletic and have stolen Maryland's spot as the typical ACC team to roll into the Sweet 16. Sorry Duke...you won't be there.

Michigan State - Homer, my ass. The Spartans can play with anybody...at times. That said, Izzo builds his teams for March and they've got the tools. This team will be in the Sweet 16, book it.

BYU - Well, considering the average age of their starting five is 26...I'd say they've got experience. Seriously, these are some tough ass Mormons.

West Virginia - My prime sleeper, but I don't like where they are at in Lunardi's Bracketology right now. Oh well.

An Ode To The High School Prep Band

Oh happy day, Hansen is back from Just South of North with his weekly words of wisdom.

With state basketball tournaments in full swing, one can't forget the gravity that makes athletic events go around, the pep band.

You've seen the stereotypes in movies: the way they act, the way they dress ,and the way that everyone else in the school try to avoid these people.

But if there's one thing we know about stereotypes, it's that they're absolutely true and band geeks are a necessary underbelly to the high school foot chain. Without them and their building resentment towards society and an urge to prove everyone wrong, we wouldn't have company execs, research scientists, or Gandhi.

You see, people grow as individuals when they discover their hygiene is less than acceptable for a chimp, their attire resembles that of a child molester, and their high school girlfriends looked like the cast of 10,000 B.C.

And that national anthem... how can people really get angry when people in other countries burn flags while all across the nation our high school pep bands are butchering Francis Scott Key's masterpiece?

There's nothing quite like your high school team running out onto the floor and the pep band struggles to squeak out the fight song, which almost always a complete rip off of Michigan. It gives the older folks in the crowd goose bumps and takes them back to a time when 12th grade was considered the highest possible level of education.

And then there's the moment during the game where the band tries to play the Darth Vader theme song, the credits theme from Lord of the Rings, the introductory tune to Blade Runner, and even a rendition from some obscure Michael Jackson movie. It's entirely a mystery who selects these songs, but the smart money is on the 300-pound woman with the uni brow wearing a "Skully Lives!" t-shirt in front of the pep band holding up a small white board.

Furthermore, who could forget when the pep band actually tries to cheer on the team but has no clue what's going on out on the floor?

"Get the Ball!"

"um... dude, we have the ball!"

"Shoot the Ball!!!!"

"Dude, it's a timeout."

But it really wouldn't be high school basketball without them. Neither would the numerous D&D circles, Star Trek conventions, Babylon 5 re-enactments and World of Warcraft tournaments that are the foundations of this very country.

Without pep bands we would actually have to listen to commentators and if Dickie V is any indication, that would be a very dark road to travel.

Thank you, pep band.

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

When is the last time you saw a good sports movie? Invincible, We Are Marshall, the Gridiron Gang? Please, spare me the putrid formulaic garbage. Sure, the Hollywood sports algorithm has churned out a few decent sports movies in the last decade or so, but it’s been a far cry from the gems of the last 70s and early 90s. I’ll happily plow through Mystery, Alaska, Talladega Nights, or maybe even Aspen Extreme if I’m hungover enough, but we haven’t seen anything great in quite many a fortnight.

Since the whole sports movie genre is pretty well tapped, it’s time to start thinking outside the box. Hence, today we have a special feature highlighting what we think would make for a new run of great sports flicks. We’re going beyond the “at risk crappy team makes good, beats better team,” “black people and white people both play sports, but what happens if they are on the same team?” and “androgynous boy/girl dresses in drag and scores soccer goals” formulas. Here are some new ideas for the next generation of sports classics…

Thanksgiving Turkeys – This is the inspirational tale of Larry Favre. After years of merciless beat downs at the hands of his cousin Brett, Larry and his rag tag band of out of shape Favre family black sheep get even on Thanksgiving 2006. Thanksgiving Turkeys provides an inside look at the clever plot Larry and his brothers concocted to beat Brett at his own game. Not even an epic triple reverse hook and ladder or 14 PBRs would slow down Larry and the Turkeys. This year, it’s payback time and Brett’s Wranglers are about to get grass stained.

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough; The Joey Chestnut Story – Proof that anyone can overcome adversity, Joey Chestnut's story of stick-to-itiveness follows his ascent to fame. From his trailer park addiction to mainlining bacon grease to his unlikely upset in the wiener war against the greatest competitive eater in the world, Kabayashi, Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough will pull your heartstrings. See why Norm McDonald has critics whispering Oscar for his heart wrenching performance as Joey Chestnut.

Money Line – What really happened behind the scenes of that bizarre Chris Webber timeout in the finals of the 1993 NCAA finals? Was there more than meets the eye? Money Line is a true to life recreation of shady-bookie sleazeball extraordinaire, Ed Martin, and his weekend of sheer excess in Las Vegas as he staged the greatest blunder in college basketball history. After trying to cement the UNC victory with a blatant traveling violation; the referees blew the call, so Webber called an inexplicable timeout. Despite the ridiculous obviousness choke job during that final possession, Martin thought he got away with this clever bribery plot to live off the millions he made in the scam. But did it come back to haunt him in a tangled web of deceit or did he really die of a heart attack? You never know what is real and what is staged when you live life on…. The Money Line.

The Count of Monte Bristol - When there was nobody left to trust; not his family, not his wife, not even his closest friend, Brain McNamee; Roger Clemens decided to take matters into his own hands. In this poignant tale of revenge, Roger Clemens set out to get even against the media who made him in to the omnipotent face of baseball and the sport’s proudest hurler for over two decades but turned against him - the media magnate, ESPN. This is the story of revenge and getting even at all costs. Critics are calling The Count of Monte Bristol is a Tour De Force set in the heart of the sports empire, Bristol, CT.

Much Adu About Freddy – Why do sports movies about the youngsters always have to involve some bullshit scam like discovering a pair of juiced-up shows worn by Michael Jordan or some crazy arm injury that heals better than ever, enabling the protagonist to throw 105 mph fastballs? That stuff never happens in real life. Why can’t we just focus on a mundane plot line like a kid from Ghana who’s mom wins the Green Card Lottery, moves to Washington D.C., gets six figure contracts jammed down his throat at age 10, feebly mismanages his career by playing in the utterly unwatchable MLS, and finally moves to Portugal? That’s so much more believable.

Say Anything II - What would make a better a story than blogosphere obsession, Allison Stokke, falling head over heels for one of our seedy sports bloggers in the long overdue sequel to the John Cusack 80s classic, Say Anything? The reenactment of the dinner scene with her nuts ass father would be a scene for the ages. "I don't want to buy anything bought or sold, or sell anything bought or processed... I really want to be a blogger. It's up and coming profession."

The Right Fielder - Despite all the bitching above, there is one old Hollywood formula that never gets tired - the parent/child switcherooo. In this instant classic, Cecil gets whacked in head with a billy club back room of the casino by Tony the Pasta and looses consciousness. When he comes to, he finds himself trapped in his son, Prince Fielder's body... and vice versa. The mishaps never end as Cecil struggles to adapt in the Milwaukee Brewer's phenom's vegetarian body. Likewise, Prince doesn't find easy friendships in the rough and tumble world of New Jersey minor league baseball as he is weighed down by a mountain of debt and a haunting reminder of Donald Trump. Of course, this feel good movie of the year candidate brings the long-awaited reconciliation of the estranged father-son tandem in the tear-jerking finale at Yankee Stadium.

PLS: 101

The recent news of New York Governor (D) Eliot Spitzer's "involvement" in a prostitution ring yesterday may have come as a shock to many Americans across the United States. To others, it was met largely by a yawn for following a seemingly repetitive cycle in American politics: man seeks power; man gets power; man abuses power.

This may be a tale of the classic fallibility of human nature, or his simple susceptibility to abuse power that is entrusted in him, but really, this particular incident broaches an area that may remain beyond the purview of the browsing reader. For starters, why in the hell is this man paying up to $5,500USD for sex?

I think extra-marital affairs have become almost synonymous with many public figures' marriages these days. It has certainly been openly embraced with other State governments spanning across the globe, but the idea that this man holding such a high office, and yet, has to pay such an extremely high price for sex is actually beyond my comprehension at this point. Mark my words, it will just be a matter of time until it is obviously discovered this cash payment came from a tax-payer source.

Curiously, the story broke as "Spitzer Involved in Prostitution Ring," which almost tacitly implies that he was holding some type of managerial authoritative position. What happened to sex with the vulnerable aide? Or the power-hungry lobbyist? Or even for the political favor? Have we really regressed to a point where he needs to be paying such an obscene amount for sex? Interestingly, Mr. Spitzer, or "Client 9", was referred to on a federal wire tape as, being "a difficult Client," who often enjoyed, "dangerous" sex habits. Great, clearly the NY Times is not living up to its Motto of "All the News That's Fit to Print."

Personally, I find the act of an affair as a rather private issue, but if you are entrusted in a public office, obviously you have subjected yourself to a higher moral standard, and as such, should be judged by the highest benchmark in which you strive to achieve. The American public obviously feels so after having supported a public inquiry into former President Bill Clinton's extra-marital behavior. It is crazy to me how much the American Politician has evolved this age-old concept of carrying on affairs with mistresses.

Mr. Spritker's conduct in actually paying for sex, bringing his conduct within the ambit of our legal system, is rather shocking to me. Or how about Mr. Kwame Kilpatrick's recent crisis where he went as far as to lie under oath about an extra-marital affair. Was he not taking notes on the Clinton scandal; our former president was impeached! It's one thing to carry on an affair, but it is a completely different monster to categorically lie about it under oath.

Ironically, some of the very same qualities that helped propel these men into the high offices they occupy seem to be the very same qualities that blind them to the full repercussions of their actions. Most seem determined as ever to fight the allegations bitterly to the death rather than to take the high-road by stepping out of office. This phenomena has been shown time and time again. Please see: Senator Larry Craig, former President William Clinton, Mr. Kwame Kilpatrick, Gov. Eliot Spitzer- just to name a few.

One would think after everything these politicians have diligently worked towards completing while in office they would shy away from acts that can tarnish all their achievements with one quick thrust. Yet, we still remain idle in a web of deception, corruption, and charisma that seem synergize only to reinvent itself another day. I hope the go at a $5,500 price tag was worth it. I'm sure the citizens of New York can appreciate that as our country spirals into a major recession.

The Welshman

by Dan Sullivan

God took my mentor and long-time weightlifting idol Jack Sladder from this material and finite earth two days ago. I’ve always had trouble watching my idols die suddenly like that, but I guess that's an occupational hazard that most of us bodybuilders are willing to accept.

True, my recovery period was shorter this around, but those first few hours were brutal, especially on my abs (I tried to rip some crunches immediately after I heard about his losing bout with hydrochloric acid, but I was so bloated from all the TMX Sladder Mix that I drank - I could only manage 258 reps). And who knows? I think it’s possible that I undergone a personal growth spurt as a result (physical growth is, for all practical purposes, out of the question—I am that fucking huge). For example, I have cut out horse tranquilizers from my diet completely, I’ve scaled my gym memberships from 7 to 3, and I’ve relegated birddogging missions to the weekends (Sundays included). The scope of influence has even extended beyond the maintenance of my perfect body and the chicks I try to land as I don’t really force my Chinese students to exercise anymore (unless they’re fat, of course). Jack Sladder dying the way he did really made me consider that there is more to life than sculpting my sweet body and snatching up girls in front of their boyfriends...

Okay, so I’ve got this pretty sweet motorcycle that I use on only rare-ish occasions, like when I pick up a recently imported chick at the airport or if I have to run some Chinese guy over who spit in my general direction. If you consider the near perfect condition it’s in and all the hours I’ve labored on it (763 since first I bought it), it’s probably worth 15,000 Canadian dollars, and that's a conservative estimate. This on-and-offish cool gearhead I sometimes trade soft-core porn with said it could fetch upwards of 25,000 US if I would be willing to sell it to a cop (Which I am not. Cops suck). And this more-or-less Chinese guy (I forget his name; he's pretty much my boss) suggested that I donate it to a museum here in Shanghai what with all the history I’ve created these last 18 months.

“Yea, I’ve created history, alright, uh, Chinese boss, but I’m not sure you’re even aware of it. My bike isn’t going into any museum here in China. Why? Because there aren’t any, that’s why, tough guy. Have you ever heard of the period typically referred to as “The People’s Ban on Shit that is Cool”? No? I guess I’m not surprised.”

I grabbed the guy by his Chinese belt loops, sat him on my lap, procured two smokes from my pocket (both for me) and proceeded to give him a much-needed history lesson about China. It’s funny, but lately I’ve noticed that more and more Chinese people need history lessons from me and, although it eats away at both my precious time and cigarettes, I am more than happy to teach. Today I was quick, closing with “So there you have it, uh, guy. When Mao finally got sick and tired of all the chopstick-haters out there, he pretty much banned everything, especially fat chicks, weed, religion, The color blue, Mountain Dew (but not Mellow yellow) tons of human emotions, brushing your teeth and of course, motorcycles exhibitions in museums. Of course, most of the ban has been lifted. But the motorcycle-museum combo still remains…that and the fat chicks.”

We both shuddered at the prospect of rotund females mounting any sort of comeback.

After my history lesson I was totally jacked to go for a spin and find some people on whom I could practice my English. Unfortunately my cape was still in the dryer, so I had to wear it damp; and it seemed that the deep crimson stains from the injuries I withstood the last time I wore it didn’t entire wash out clean. Still, I wasn’t about to let little details like a wet cape and blood get in the way of an awesome ride, so I grabbed my BB gun and riding goggles, pulled the cord on the motor and barreled out of the teachers compound for the this sweet meat stick stall just on the edge of Shanghai.

A few minutes into the ride, it began raining. I kicked my bike into high gear, passing all sorts of losers on non-motorbikes and inched my way into the lane for cars. Doing so, I gave the car to my right the Canadian sign for turning/merging/cutting someone off (extended arm and middle finger) to politely let the driver know exactly what I was planning.

Well, apparently he didn’t see me because my bike slammed smack into the front quarter section of the car. I fell from my motorcycle and awkwardly tumbled over the hood onto the windshield. “So this is what it’s like!” I thought instinctively, the faces of all those non-bodybuilders I’ve run over in the past coming back to me at once. I must’ve been knocked out for only a short time because the pungent, unmistakable coalescent smell of garlic and Chinese hair emitted from the gathered crowd and descended upon me as I lay there in the spittle covered and chicken bone-strewn road and I came to.

“Quickly, get up! Get up!” some guy instructed in Chinese.
“Yes, yes, the best thing for a neck and back injury is to get him on his feet!” a near-off voice offered in agreement.
“No, no – just keep staring at him! That’s the best way to help anyone!”

I managed to pull myself up while the debate ensued. Dusting myself off, I lit up a smoke, slipped my phone number to some slack-jawed hot chick and then threatened her if she didn’t call and, finally, went over to my bike to assess the damage. My cape, it appeared, was unharmed.

My motorcycle, however, was destroyed. The lawnmower engine I bought from the maintenance man was smashed to bits, and both the body and wheels were bent beyond recognition. The carefully-placed photos of both me and my girlfriends bandied about the frame and spokes were either missing or torn asunder. Hundreds of purposeful hours of labor, down the drain. No cop in America and very few in Canada would want to buy it now. I groaned, low and deliberate, kicked myself in the calf with a pink cowboy boot, kicked some Chinese guy in the shin with the other, and then decided to take a very nuanced and subtle George W. Bush approach to the matter.

“Hey, uh, guy who ran me over? Why don’t you give me 200,000 RMB and, like, a bunch of film for my sweet camera and we’ll call it even.”

Instead of complying, he said something in a foreign language (I think Chinese) so I repeated myself, this time reaching for his wallet. Semi-surprised, he pulled back and guarded his pocket.

“I don’t think he speaks English,” this non-Chinese dude said, emerging from the crowd. “But I can translate for you if you’d like… why are you dressed like a super hero?”

I was going to point out to him that my resemblance to a superhero was purely coincidence and, in fact, a lot of the superheroes I know back home are, from time to time, asked why they are dressed like me. Easily enough averted these confusions could and should be, but for some reason most people I’ve met in China have a fairly rigid conception of who should wear tights and capes and goggles, and who shouldn’t. Here, I fall into the former category.

“Listen, translator – translate this: I had a sweet motorcycle until this guy decided to not get out of my way. But now look at it: it’s totally totaled. Totally. Tell him I will graciously accept 200,000 RMB for compensation. I’ll even refuse his first offer of, say, 250,000 so he can ‘save face’ and not come off as a cheapskate.”

“That’s your, uh, ‘motorcycle’? That bicycle with a lawnmower engine that is somehow fastened to the rear tire? That? That’s your ‘motorcycle’? He’s not gonna give you – what did you ask for? – 200,000 RMB. Maybe he’ll offer you a ride home or something… Hey, man. It looks like you hurt yourself. You’re legs are bleeding pretty bad.”

“200,000,” I repeated. “Tell him 200, 000 or else…”

“Or else what?”

“Or else I’m totally huge and he isn’t. Or else I’ll blow his brains out right here!” I said, moving my cape to the side, revealing the loaded BB gun I had duct tapped to by huge back.

“You’re gonna shoot him full of little, painless indentations, are you? Sting him in the chest, or perhaps the wrists or neck? Yea, mate, that’ll get him to pay up… While you’re at it, give me a couple in the arm here… I seem to have an itch.”.

Then it dawned on me: the oversized yellow-on-yellow suit; the gaudy calculator watch he wore around his neck; the burlap sack of long-distance phone cards and black-market showerheads he fervently clung to; the unfettered hatred of my BB gun. “Oh, I see… You’re Welsh, aren’t you? I should’ve known. The way you just happen to appear, as if you jumped out from some secret hedge or row of neatly-trimmed bushes!!!”

With that, I seized him by the throat and dragged him over to my motorcycle.

“You apologize right now!!” I demanded. “You tell my motorcycle you’re sorry!!”

The Welshman struggled, kicking and flailing, shouting out a lot of Welsh nonsense, like "What do you think you're doing!?" and "Unhand me!!" I tightened my grip and grabbed his crotch, lifting him over my head. And just as I was about to catapult him back to Welshland, a local crook-toothed constable turned up on the scene, blowing his whistle like chicks do when I surreptitiously approach them in empty parking lots after last call, demanding an explanation. I released the Welshman and told the cop exactly what happened. He told me in his best English that he would give both me and my motorcycle a lift to wherever it was I wanted to go. Normally, I would’ve stuck around, fought everybody and won, got deported for the 3rd time, returned to Canada to work on my pecs and delts for awhile, and then bought another fake passport and found another fake job in China teaching English. But, after all, I am on a personal-growth kick, so I peacefully complied.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Must Read

Attention fans of underground hit show, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; check out this great Q&A with writer, creator, actor, and Iggles fan, Rob McElhenny.

Personally, I hope to catch this episode one day soon...

You guys are running out of drugs to get hooked on. Drug addiction seems like an ongoing Sunny theme, and it turns out to be actually hilarious. What else has worked really well in past episodes that you want to revisit?

Music really seems to work. We did an episode about a band last year.

Day Man!

Day Man has been huge, and we really want to take advantage of that. We're really happy that people seem to dig that. We are thinking about doing a Day Man/Night Man rock opera, in the vein of Tommy. The whole show wouldn't itself be a musical, but we'd perform a musical within the episode, so that way you can see us in between. Maybe it's the story of how Day Man came to be the ruler of the universe.

How did those Balls taste, Greg?

Ah yes, North Carolina vs. Duke. Did you know the game was last night? Right. Well, in case you missed it...here is really the only thing you need to know about the game (below). Danny Green was an absolute beast and it was only fitting that he delivered a facial to captain douche bag, Greg Paulus. I couldn't think of any other player on Duke's roster more deserving of the chin nuts. Seriously. If anything, last night further proved two things...1) Carolina CAN play defense and 2) Carolina is BETTER than Duke. Enjoy.

Ask an Expert: Wahlberg Style

It's that time of year and everyone is just about fucking giddy for the brackets to be announced. This leads to a week of everyone suddenly becoming experts and sneaking to the office printer to grab the PDF of the perfect bracket. Hmm, I can't wait. Well, as is the usual around these parts when we're bored or simply don't want to cut and past a headline from Yahoo Sports and claim it as our own story...we get lazy. Or in other words we "ask an expert" to share with us their thoughts on the sports scene of the moment.

And today's guest is the one and only Mark Wahlberg, whom if you stop and think about it...has never made a bad film. Well, sans "Rockstar" or "Perfect Storm" or...OK, you get the point. Regardless, he's got quite the resume and happens to be an avid sports fan. So, it was my proud honor to sit down and dialogue with the man about the upcoming madness. The, um--fictional chat is below. Follow along...

Ghosts: Welcome aboard dude, I'm thrilled you could stop by. Loved you with the Funky Bunch.

Marky Mark: Do not be messing with me right now. I will kick your ass.

Ghosts: Consider me warned. Moving on, it's that special time of the year...March Madness. Do you care to shed any thoughts on what it must be like for a kid to dream about that "One Shining Moment"...to cut down the nets?

Marky Mark: You know, I'm just a regular guy who grew up with the posters of these guys on my wall... and now I'm one of them! That's right, I'm standing here, living proof that if you work hard enough, and you want it bad enough... dreams do come true. So follow your dreams...

Ghosts: Do you have any "Celebrity" bracket challenges of which you take part? And are you likely to dominate or get dominated?

Marky Mark: Fuck yourself, you piece of shit.

Ghosts: Tooshay. Um, March Madness is all about timing...who's hot and who's not. It's a lot about motivating a team. How does a coach get his kids READY to play come tournament time.

Marky Mark: It's gotta be sexy. If it's not sexy it won't work. I wanna make sure it's sexy.

Ghosts: Really, hold that thought Mark...I'm vomiting from internal laughter.

Marky Mark: I'm ready to shoot now. My cock is ready I wanna fuck, let's go.

Ghosts: Ok, just relax bud. We aren't going that route and I'm trying not to spit through my nose.

Marky Mark: Shit happens alright? Shit fucking happens...Christ!

Ghosts: Right. Anyhow; it's been a treat to watch a talent like Michael Beasley, as it was to watch Kevin Durant and Greg Oden last season. Aside from the obvious, Beasley will probably be the #1 pick in the NBA draft. Hypothetically what would you tell a youngster like that to persuade them to stay in college?

Marky Mark: It could of all been different Mr. Walker. You should have let nature take its course...but in the end, it will anyway..SO LET ME IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!

Ghosts: Yeah, uh-huh. Well, what are your thoughts on Tyler Hansbrough? Dude, seems crazy...like he could eat glass or something?

Marky Mark: Oh yeah, I eat a lot of pussy... tons...

Ghosts: I'm sure you do, I'm sure you do.

Marky Mark: I'm going to get my chimp.

Ghosts: Huh?

Marky Mark: Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.

Ghosts: Ok, as per usual we are cutting you short.

Marky Mark: Never send a monkey to do a man's job.

Ghosts: Fuck you.

Marky Mark: You wanna see me kick some ass, I know fucking karate!

Ghosts: Go fuck yourself.

Marky Mark: You're not my boss, you're not the king of me, I'm the fucking king of Dirk.

Ghosts: Yup. Fuck. Yourself.

The Adventures of Link

Ah, the fun we have naming link dumps. Well, it's a double whammy today; you get links and a crazy Asian dude who plays one of those guitars that's like a double guitar. I don't know how he knows the theme from Zelda though. I thought only Americans played Nintendo?



Alright, let's get into some of the links for the week. These are good as well, just not Asian good. Asians practice a lot more.

Big Al has uncovered the Lion's new position fetish over a the SideLion Report. I think the Lions actually succeeded in making every team in the NFL afraid to take a wide receiver in the top 10. Granted, this year's crop is not exceptional, but I wouldn't be surprised if three years go by before we see a WR go in the top 10.

What do you mean the East sucks? The Pistons are headed into the playoffs with Theo Ratliff. Everybody should just forfeit now.

I love it when the sports bloggers fly off the handle and go into random territory. Randball chats it up with the creator of Lebowski Fest.

Athletes as actors. Ha. Then who's Vice President, Jerry Lewis?

Check out my monster jamband tribute to Michael Jackson.

Did you know Sly Stallone wanted to cast Beckham in the lead role for the new Rambo movie?

Jim Rome apparently shows video footage via radio now, so that's a competitive advantage. If you're interested, here's the video he's talking about.

Can the Yankees' trio of young pitching phenoms bring back the magic in the Bronx? Chew on this nickname for a sec - Huge Joke.

See Boston, we're mean to New York too and 1/2 of us live here.

Move Over Lamas; There's a New Sherriff in Town: Brad Stevens

I suspect for the bulk of the folks who have perused the GoWF banner up there consisting of a random assortment of our favorite athletes and musicians, targets of ridicule, and plain random dudes, you probably wonder who the hell is that guy on the motorcycle to the left?

That my friends is Lorenzo Lamas from the stalwart USA Up All Night hit show, Renegade. Don't ask me why, but I used to watch Renegade religiously back in the USA heyday around the time I was in high school. It wasn't really a good show or even particularly entertaining, but it was on late at night when there wasn't much else to watch. It was pretty much either Renegade or Ron Popeil, so Lorenzo's flowing locks and loose cannon attitude won out. Over time, Lorenzo sucked me in and he soon became my favorite rebel hero.

Well, today we're handing over the reigns to a new hero for a new time.

The new sheriff around these parts is Brad Stevens. Brad Stevens is the 31 year-old, first year head coach of the 27-3 Butler Bulldogs. In his first year, Stevens has the Bulldogs in first place of the Horizon League, #14 in AP Top 25, and poised to lock Butler's best regular season ever and top seed ever in the NCAA tournament. Stevens is also in a great position to become one of the most prized up and coming coaches in the NCAA after this remarkable first season. In his short tenure as assistant coach before taking over the reigns, Stevens has already served under elite up and comers, Thad Matta and Todd Lickliter. If you follow the frenzied world of college coaching at all, you know both of these two men have graced many major program's address books before landing prime time gigs at Ohio State and Iowa respectively. It shouldn't be too long before Stevens starts hitting those rumor mills and fielding phone calls from the big dogs.

We still haven't answered why is he our rebel hero? Stevens graduated from DePauw University in 1999 as a management fellow and took a marketing associate position at mega-corporation Eli Lilly. Having a solid hoops career at DePauw and some high school coaching under his belt, Stevens decided to bag the crappy corporate life and follow his gut.

We imagine it went down a little something like this...

It's 9:30 am at the Monday team meeting after a long weekend of late night drinking benders capped off by the ever brutal Comedy Central airing of Office Space at 10 pm on Sunday night. After repeating near nod-outs and an an epic struggle to keep his eyes open, Joyce from Research lights the match that sparks Brad's powder keg.

Joyce from Research: "Are there any action items we need to follow-up with? Come on people, let's think outside the box."

Brad: "God damn it, Joyce. Why do you have to talk like that every fucking time? Don't you hear yourself? Nobody cares about your god damn "action items." That's it. I'm fucking outta here. Why can't you ever just shut up, so we can all just get the hell outta here and get some god damn coffee. See this packet with your pointless"flow chart" and diagrams of processes that don't even exist? I'll give you an action item. It's called take Joyce from Research to the emergency room to remove the Powerpoint presentation from her large intestine. Fuck this."

Just kidding, but that how we'd like to imagine it anyway. Stevens left the prestigious company in favor of a volunteer position with the Butler Basketball program with a just do a good job everyday and good things will follow approach. Good things did follow; Butler started paying him some chump change as an administrative assistant in late 2000 and promoted to assistant coach under Linkliter in 2001. After serving under Linkliter until he got his big break after Butler's great Sweet 16 run last March, Stevens is now at the helm at the tender age of 31.

So, that is why Stevens deserves the hero status. He quit his crappy corporate job like 97% percent of the people sitting there reading and writing sports stories right now wish they could do today and went to make a career where he knew he belonged. There was no pay, but rather just a good attitude and a strong work ethic. So, if you're thinking of an underdog to take to the Dance this March, look no further than Stevens and the Bulldogs. This is an inspirational story we can appreciate.

10 Awkward Questions with Jeff Otah

Who the hell is Jeff Otah? Hmm, funny you should ask. Well, for those of you as bored as us that follow the pre-NFL Draft hype...you'd know that name. He's currently pegged on Todd McShay's continuous/current mock draft at #15 on the board. And you guessed it...that means he'd belong to the Detroit Lions. Now, here comes the good part; he is an offensive lineman from the Pitt Panthers.

Needless to say, we couldn't be more pleased when we finally saw the Lions most viable need surface on yet another McShay trajectory. Hence, we just had to familiarize ourselves with the dude who's gonna change the culture of losing in Detroit. Yup, we can get ahead of ourselves. Anyhow, today like we always do 'bout this time it's the "meet and greet" or better yet, getting to know a prospect just a little better. You may recall we did this last year for a certain quirky QB we thought the Lions were going to draft. Anyhow, so far so good. We rather enjoyed our random fictional survey with Jeff Otah.

Thanks Jeff for being a good fictional sport. Real quick, for the record...we didn't steal this survey from your myspace page. Although, we're quite certain that only prepubescent girls and gay men take these seriously. Moving on...

1. Who would play you in a movie?
TOM CRUISE.

2. The next President of the United States will be:
BARACK OBAMA, BITCH.

3. Do you have tattoos?
NO COMMENT.

4. How do you eat an apple?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

5. What do you carry with you at all times?
A KNIFE.

6. What's one thing you like to do alone?
MASTURBATE. A FAN. OIL.

7. If I won an award, the first person (people) I'd tell would be:
NOBODY.

8. What was the last song you were listening to?
NIGHT FEVER.

9. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
MAYONNAISE.

10. I often dream of:
BUTTER.

Dear Greg...you're a Douche!

Look at that picture. Yup, that one to the right. Wipe that half ass smirk off your face you smug prick. I totally dig the spike in the front. Brilliant work, is that "bed head" hair gel you used? The only thing missing is a Penguin shirt with a popped collar and you've reincarnated the ghost of J.J Redick. Crack yourself a Zima, pat yourself on the back and just know you've succeeded in your mission almost tenfold.

I'll level with you Greg, you were destined to go to Duke. No sense, arguing over semantics. You knew it, your folks knew it, shit everybody knew it. And to be honest as you struggled along in your first few seasons I wondered who would fulfill the role of the Duke villain. Fast forward to the present tense and I've gotta hand it to you bud, mission accomplished. I've gotta say, I was a tad bit worried that you just didn't have it. However, this season you've grown leaps and bounds not as a player, but as Captain Douche Bag for the Dookies.

Welcome to the party, we've all been waiting. For Duke haters like myself it's not just enough to despise Duke...we've got to have an enemy. It's gotta be personal. It's gotta make us want to scream obscenities when we see you on TV and yes, even write deranged blog posts about how much we hate you. Look, it's never a crossing the line thing...I'd never threaten you in anyway or promise to kick your ass wish injury or harm upon you. You see, I need you. Yup, I know it's pretty sick and twisted, but I need you to enhance the hate.

Yeah, yeah...we all know your type. You were the overly sensitive just a little too serious jock that hardly felt a drip of fun growing up. Yup, the coaches son, the QB...destined to unite with Coach K. Back then you didn't think about the opposite sex. Arousal for you was the thought of showering with the other Dookies. Well, I bet nowadays you're rifling through pussy like you're the captain of the Duke Lacrosse team. Congrats on the accomplishments.

Yet, still you're greatest accomplishment is answering the call. It's as if you spent the entire summer working closely with Wojo or watching stock footage of Redick. Cause you've learned the ropes and you're running with the tradition. Well, I'm not about to waste any further undue praise. You get my drift. I'm proud of ya' kid. You've got the "douche bag" crown...now please keep it up this weekend against Carolina.

Wait, there's no need to beg for your continued douchebaggery...I've got enough confidence in you by now.

OUT.

The Lions Off-Season: Road to Nowhere

"We're on a road to nowhere...come on inside. Takin' that ride to nowhere...we'll take that ride."

Question: What do you do as an NFL organization when you are coming off an eight game collapse to end your promising season?

Answer: Stand pat.

Question: How do you stop the bleeding for a once proud franchise that hasn't been relevant in over a decade?

Answer: Yup, you stand pat.

Last Question: Ok, how do you make up for years of lousy draft picks and abysmal free agent signings?

Answer: Nothing.

And that's the sad reality that we know as the Detroit Lions. In an era of parity and worst to first turn around's in the NFL, the Lions have opted to remain status quo. That's right, let's sit back and do absolutely nothing in the free agent market except shop our disgruntled WR that we drafted in the first round. It's beyond even relevant to cast mockery on Matt Millen. Really, what can we say that hasn't already be said? We now simply accept this as reality and sulk our heads.

While most teams prime for a few key pick-ups in the free agent market and align themselves for the draft, the Lions just sit on the sidelines like a confused child. Well, at least they didn't overpay for a crummy player...right? Sure, that's a fine defense...yet, when you have virtually nothing to begin with you need to make some moves. And let's face it...the Lions are depleted. So, please do explain why Lions fans can simply turn the attention to the draft.

Um, recent history suggests the Lions are pitiful on draft day. Who the hell are their scouts? Have you ever heard of a "solid" rotation player that the Lions drafted in the 3rd round or later? It's not a game of luck. The top teams in the league always seem to find the talent in the later rounds of the draft. Perhaps, after Millen blows his wad on the sexy first rounder he takes the day off and heads to Wendy's for some ketchup packets. Yes, that made little sense, but the friggin' Lions make no sense.

Anyhow, it's quite obvious that the Lions first need to build an offensive line, then they need a secondary, then probably a defensive line, let's not forget about a RB and while we're at it...let's throw in a QB ta boot. God bless Jon Kitna, but the dude is simply a back-up and that's all he'll ever really be. So, as you can see Lions fans aren't looking for much. Basically, just a completely new team. And as we watched free agency come and go...pardon every Lions fan if they aren't slapping fives on Draft day.

Wait, wait...I take it all back, the Lions did sign Michael Gaines - a TE that won't be able to catch any passes, because Kitna will be laying on his ass. And least we not forget about the huge signing of safety Dwight Smith. Hopefully, you can read into sarcasm. Look, nobody was asking the Lions to sign Randy Moss, but maybe... just maybe, some sort of splash. Maybe a sign that this organization actually cares?

We are closing in on 10 years since the Lions last made the post-season. It's not that Lions fans have given up; it's just that we're exhausted. Laughing at the situation, getting pissed off... it's all old news. We're tapped on energy and all we've every wanted was success or more importantly progress. They're no closer now than they were when Barry walked out the door. And if this off-season is any indication of the direction this organization is headed, Lions fans are going to be tapped of emotion by September...again.

"They can tell you what to do, but they'll make a fool of you. And its all right...baby, its all right. Were on a road to nowhere."

Come Fly With Me

Weekly GoWF correspondent and ambassador to the Northwest, Brandon "Don't Call Me Beck" Hansen is back from Just South of North with a strong rant on a great ranting topic: flying.

I had the privilege of using the nation's airways this weekend, and let me tell you, there's somethings that need to change. As a man who is more terrified of flying than John Madden (although I'm still working on my Hansen cruiser), it was a harrowing experience flying from the small outpost in the north (Spokane, Wash.) to arguably the biggest cultural center in the country (San Francisco).

Security has always been a pain in the ass, but what they should really do is find some security guards that don't completely creep you out. I'm not sure I can trust a man giving me a pat down who I swear was on "Unsolved Mysteries" the night before.

And what about that random screening? I'm sure that lady with the little kid is really to bring one of those 747's out of the sky.

I also noticed that Sky Mall has apparently gone out of business. I flew on Alaska Airlines, so perhaps they just don't carry the greatest shopping magazine of all time, but it's absence severely worried me.

If you haven't read Sky Mall, then you haven't seen the desk clock that also gives you a back rub or the Eli Manning Fat Head Sticker that also cooks you dinner. Even though the stuff is roughly 400 dollars out of my price range, it's good to know that human civilization has advanced so much that we actually have a kitty ramp so your favorite feline doesn't have to jump from the floor to the couch.

Without the comfort of the Sky Mall, and my co-worker's Cosmo magazine not really doing it for me (although I did learn 101 ways to give a person an orgasm, problem is, I'd probably have to bat for the other team in order to do it), I had to basically spend all my time either sleeping or worrying about how we were going to crash in some horrible fashion. It wasn't so bad when I flew to San Francisco in a plane of size, but I had to take a propeller plane on the way back.

That's right, they still have propeller planes. And I got to fly on one.

Other than being louder than Rosie O'Donnell snoring (and I pity the person sleeping next to her), the pilot was apparently on some sort of hallucinogenic drug and liked to chime in roughly every three minutes with comments like "Flyyyyyy Alllaskkkaaaa airlines" in a Hannibal Lector voice.

I'm not kidding. That's the dude landing the plane I was riding in.

One good thing about flying is the airport food. For some reason everything is 10 times more delicious because you pay 10 times more the price and since it's a three-hour flight and you feel like John McCain leaving a Vietnamese prison camp.

And the in-flight snacks? My friend always pretends that he's diabetic and having an attack so they give him like five different packages of their pretzels, because they're that delicious.

All in all, if you're going to fly sometime, just stay out of airport bathrooms, take advantage of diabetes, and stay away from planes that look like set pieces from Indiana Jones and you'll be home safe in no time.

The NCAA Power Ranks: "Come out and Play" Edition

We've closed in on the final week of the "regular" College Basketball season. If this were the BCS, it'd pretty much be decided how things were about to shake out. However, this coming weekend needs very little introduction. It's lock and load time for some MAJOR games. And to that I say "CAN YOU DIG IT?"

Ok, that's the perfect lead into this weeks POWER RANKS. Yup, the the Top 16 teams in the land, as only I see it fit. Laid out to the backdrop of some oddball theme I choose. Breaking down the ranks into a scientifically formulated TIER system. Well, not that complicated. And so, today I'm tapping into the Classic film "The Warriors" for inspiration. That's right it's another installment of quirk, so let's roll this weeks ranks out! OH, WARRIORS COME OUT AND PLAY-YAH!!!

"Can you count, suckers? I say, the future is ours... if you can count!" LEVEL: The future does belong to these ELITE 4 teams. These are GOING to be the top seeds and if they can focus and not "count" the days...one of them will have their "One Shining Moment." Hint: Two teams have CLEARLY separated themselves as the Top Dogs.

1. North Carolina - This season will be a complete an utter failure if this team isn't playing in early April on a Monday night. Quick thought for you; where would Memphis be if they lost Derrick Rose for 6-8 games? UCLA without Collison? Texas without Augustine? OK, I stole that, but seriously the Tar Heels have ripped off 6 in a row without their Ty Lawson. Not many teams can survive without their starting and back-up Point Guards (Lawson and Frasor).

2. UCLA - Status quo; in a perfect world or if this were the BCS we'd get UCLA vs. North Carolina for all the marbles.

3. Tennessee - Again, we mustn't overreact about a tough loss on the road against a ranked conference opponent. Why does everyone go ape shit over losses like these? The Vols would handle Vanderbilt on a neutral court...enough said.

4. Memphis - Team THUG has locked up a #1 seed, but they should be the last #1 seed on the board and the first one to exit the Field. (Can't you tell -- I don't think highly of the Tigers).

5. Kansas - Could they sneak onto the top line? It'd be pretty depressing for the #1 seed who happens to see this team as the #2 seed in their region.

"You Warriors are good. Real good." LEVEL: Yup, these teams have proven beyond a reasonable doubt that they are REAL good. However, they just aren't quite as good as group one tier above them.

6. Texas - The resume doesn't lie; this team is close to top tier. However, there are no such things as "bad" losses this time of year when you are gunning for a #1 seed. Losing to Texas Tech qualifies as a BAD loss.

7. Duke - "K" and company keep scraping out wins. Showdown Saturday at home for Senior Night against the Tar Heels.

8. Stanford - The Lopez Bros. continue to fly under the radar and are poised for a deep run in March. The PAC-10 Tournament promises to be one of the best weekend of College Hoops.

9. Xavier - It's hard to drop them into the "3" Seed line, but when you look who's ahead of them on the list...it's hard to argue otherwise.

"We're going like everybody else: nine guys, no weapons." LEVEL: Ok, so it's 12 guys and yes, they do have some weapons, but at least I tried.

10. Louisville - There's nobody hotter right now. They've got a tough road game against the Hoyas this coming weekend that will go a long way in determining where they stand heading into the Big Dance.

11. Wisconsin - They are just ugly to watch. GROSS in fact, but they seem to get the job done.

12. Georgetown - They scraped out another "should-be" loss on Saturday. I'm on record to say this team is just not that GOOD.

"We're not going to change who we are just because some whore shakes her ass." LEVEL: For these teams there's no reason to change a thing. They keep moving along and winning ball games.

13. Connecticut - Still struttin' along.

14. Purdue - I'm holding out judgement until I see this team run the gauntlet at the Big 10 tournament. Me thinks, this a one-and-done squad.

"Just go back to where ever it was you came from." LEVEL: Lingering around like a stale fart.

15. Butler - They're BAAAACK!

16. Michigan State - OK, this is purely a homer pick, but seriously did you see this team play on Sunday? That's a team that can beat anyone. Of course, how do you score 42 on Wednesday and then 100 on Sunday. Hmm...consistency?

Next Time You Should Build It Stronger

I just love it when things go kablooie. In this case, I really love it when things go kablooie. The New England Patriots are showing some erosion in the foundation and it looks as though we are headed for a breakdown.

How does the team that was hailed as the best team in NFL history just a few short months ago merit a discussion of a collapse? I'll show you. Let's take a look at what's going on around Foxboro one thing at a time. This could be the greatest reversal of fortune since Scrooge found his #1 dime.

As for Spygate, you already know that saga. The punishment for Bill Belichick is a forfeited first round pick in the upcoming draft. Granted, the pick would have been only a #31, the second to last pick in the first round, but it hurts. They could sure use that pick on a cornerback, but we'll deal with that in a moment. The thing is about Spygate, is that it is conceivable that Arlen Specter could impose further punishments on both Belichick and Goodell. In a worst case scenario, neither of their jobs are safe.

The next crack to be exposed is the wide receiver situation. Dante Stallworth is already gone. The deal is inked and he has departed for browner pastures. Stallworth signed a 7-year $35 million dollar contract with Cleveland. The big news though in the wide receiving corps is that other dude who plays from them, Randy Something. Randy is getting wooed by the NFL cream of the crop. First, we heard there were talks about Moss going to play alongside Terrell Owens in Dallas (has there ever been a worse idea in a sport, ever?) Now, word on the street is that the Colts are looking to make a deal for Moss. Thus, the whole argument that Moss will stay in Boston to win a championship is relatively moot as there isn't much of a downgrade, if any, to go to either of those prospective suitors. Surely, the thought of catching passes from Peyton Manning is mighty tempting. Other rumors include the Packers, Giants, and Saints. We'll see how this plays out, but I foresee a juicy offer coming from one of these teams and a tight wad New England response, resulting in Randy Moss headed elsewhere. New England will likely stick with their buy low value approach and let him walk.

The defense is also on orange alert level as well. That aforementioned cornerback hole I mentioned? That is the vacancy left behind by All-Pro, 16 interceptions in the past two seasons, defensive stalwart, Asante Samuel. Samuel agreed to a deal with the Eagles for a cool $60 million over 6. Samuel is one of the best corners in the league and a huge playmaker for the Pats defense. The Patriots were able to resign Teddy Bruschi, so there is one area of solace for the Pats, but they still have starting safety Eugene Wilson unrestricted, Junior Seau unrestricted, and 3 other backup DBs, Randall Gay, Mel Mitchell, and Chad Scott unrestricted. (update: Gay is gone. Signed by New Orleans) You catch my drift? The Patriots better start playing defense to protect their defense.

And last but not least, trusty scrapper, Kevin Faulk, got nabbed by the fuzz with the sticky icky. It's all crumbling down. In truth, this is not that big of a deal, but it will presumably result in the standard 4 game detention and also further highlights the bad vibes around Beantown. It seems as though everything that could go wrong is going wrong.

So, despite all of the moving parts in New England and the compilation of a growing number of negative occurrences, it seems like Belichick and his front office are sitting on their hands watching this team unravel. As the free agency period opened with a a barrage of bold moves across the league, the Pats have lacked feist and simply cut a TE and resigned Bruschi and their long snapper. That doesn't seem like the type of fire we've come to expect from New England. It's safe to assume that these guys have a plan, because they always seem to be one step ahead, but this time it's awfully hard to believe it. Did all the controversy, hype, and perpetual attention finally catch up with the Patriots to the point that they finally burned out?