The Obligatory Friday Youtube

Fun With Mnemonic Devices

Sometimes this blog thing is so easy. All you have to do is flip around the Internet for five minutes a day and you find gems like this one here. A ten year-old girl by the name of Maryn Smith, concocted quite a nice little mnemonic device for the 11 planets.

My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Ten Palace Elephants

Naturally, we have to get in this contest. We should at least be able to take down a ten year-old right? OK, so here goes. Remember, the planets in order from their distance from the Sun go like this: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto and Eris? Actually, I shouldn't necessarily say "remember the order," because who the hell ever heard of Ceres and Eris? Nevertheless, we'll trust that they discovered some new shit out there and focus on the task at hand. Without further ado, here's a fantasy football one that should make it pretty easy to remember those planets.

Minnesota Viking's Unreal Monster Creamypants Jesus Should Usurp Top Pick Easily

Think you can top that one?

Dear Hollywood Grim Reaper

by Dan Sullivan

Dear Hollywood Grim Reaper,

With all due respect, I think that you have made a big mistake. Brad Pitt’s career and dignity notwithstanding, it has been awhile since you’ve selfishly taken someone who is young, talented and worth nine-fifty at the local multiplex. River Phoenix was the most recent, and that was over 15 years ago. Though the sight of him drowning in his own vomit and the paparazzo’s flashbulbs was hard for some people to stomach, most of us understood that this dramatic scene was his best performance to date. Not only that, but this was 1992—only three years after 1980’s—at time when the benign antics of Michael J. Fox and frantic sprinting of Patrick Dempsey would more than carry the day. But times are different now. People—some people, at least—want to watch quality movies. And with so few actors around to meet this modest demand, killing Heath Ledger last month was a big mistake.

It’s not that I am a Heath Ledger fan, per se—unless you are a teenage girl, his slim record of adult roles doesn’t merit a base of loyal fans. He did, however, have talent. He also had an increasingly thoughtful approach to the roles he would take (good ones) and a vision of what type of actor he wanted to be (an interesting one). In the past few years he’s played a homosexual cowboy without a trace of gayness in Brokeback Mountain, a conflicted prison guard who shoots himself in Monster’s Ball (In all fairness, I guess most of us would if Billy Bob Thornton was our father…), a field officer torn between the enticements of aristocratic pussy and British conquest in Four Feathers and, next summer, the infamous Joker in Chris Nolan’s Batman: The Dark Knight. Ledger’s complex take on the role gives viewers a joker who maneuvers seamlessly between inner torment and restrained mania (note to Jack Nicholson: R-e-s-t-r-a-i-n-e-d), and in doing so, steals the show. It’s a shame he won’t be around to bask in what is sure to be both the critical and commercial successes the follow; and an even bigger one for moviegoers, who are now left to make do with one less actor from the ever-shrinking pool of male Hollywood talent.

And just how shrunk is the ever-shrinking pool? Well, let’s see… there’s George Clooney, of course. He’s consistently good as an actor and director, but his performances are somewhat one-dimensional and he’s incapable of playing a villain (remember: murdering Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 14 will make him the hero). Johnny Depp is also consistently good, but unfortunately you’d have to take a time machine to 1990’s to experience that. Clive Owen, on the other hand, is watchable in the present day, but it always seems like he’s doing the stuff Clooney would do if he wanted more money (Plus, he can’t curse all that well). And let’s not forget Leo DeCaprio and Matt Damon. Both of these guys could be sweet if they’d give their ongoing “let’s see whose face, neck and back can get the fatter” wager a rest and declare themselves both winners.

“But wait!” some will protest. “There are others you’ve forgotten to mention. What about Sean Penn, or Jude Law??” Instead of explaining why I left these two off my list, I simply ask those believers do the following:

1) Watch All the King’s Men.

2) Come to my home in Michigan.

3) Make a formal and public apology (and leave some smokes).

So you can see, G. Reaps, you’ve contributed to a pre-existing problem, however unwittingly, that can ill-afford its current trajectory. But let us fret not, as I do have a solution. I call it the Let’s Kill these Other Guy Instead plan.

Step One: Introduce Tobey McGuire to Ethan Hawke and Ethan Hawke (Ethan Hawke twice mentioned is not an oversight—I want you to kill him two times).

Step Two: Make sure Ethan Hawke is offered and accepts a role in the next Spiderman movie.

Step Three: Include a Homoerotic subtext in the script.

Step Four: Leak off-the-set, gay-love rumors to the media.

Step Five: Kill them both, making it look like a lover’s spat gone awry.

Step Six: Take pleasure in the fact that you’ve performed a just and noble act.

Or, if this seems like too much work, simply carry out Step One and proceed directly to Step Six Once introduced, these two will likely share their poetry and short stories with each other and then die of natural causes.

So, how about it? Does this seem like a fair trade? You’ll get three kills and two bodies out of this instead of the one-and-one ratio you got by taking Heath Ledger. Plus, for those of us in the know, your mercy will be looked upon favorably. (If a benign act rubs you the wrong way, just think of those supposed enlightened despots who, in the end, were still judged with a caustic, unforgiving eye.) So, give him back, make it look like someone’s idea of a prank, (“I had no idea someone faked my death! But I also had no idea I was friends with [Midnight Oil front man and fellow Aussie] Pete Garret either but here we all are!”) and let Hollywood hang onto someone who could potentially make some cool movies every now and again.

Sincerely,

Dan

I Dream of a Big Sexy Offensive Lineman

Look, I know the NFL Draft is nearly two months away. Anyhow, there's no sense beating around the bush. When it comes to winning in the NFL...it's all about the offensive line. For the past um, infinity...the Detroit Lions have suffered from the lack of an offensive line. Many a Lion fan can recall the arguments about "if Barry had Emmit's line, he'd run for 2000 every year...at least." Fast forward through nearly a decade of meaningless attempts to build a team in the post-Barry era and the Lions are no closer to even being remotely relevant. Gasp.

And of course we can blame a lot of that on the incompetence of ownership and the "M" word, but we'll leave the obvious out of this discussion. In any event, the draft contains the most viable assets/options for building a team, even more so than free agency. However, we all know the Lions have spent the last 5 years plucking WR's and offensive skilled players with their Top 10 picks, but I'm not here to gripe about the past. There's no reason to lie, I was excited about Chuck Rogers, Roy Williams and even Calvin Johnson.

In fact, it was always the big joke around these parts that the Lions would draft Brady Quinn or Calvin Johnson with the #2 pick last season, because nobody wanted a "boring" offensive lineman. Eventually, I think we all talked ourselves into the notion of either pick. All the while, the smart money was really on Joe Thomas. Kudos to the Browns for making the wise decision and thus being rewarded with a dude who will probably play in the Pro-Bowl for the next 10-12 years. It looks like the joke is on us fools and the Lions once again.

If you look at all "successful" teams in the NFL it starts with the offensive line. Before crumbling in the Super Bowl, the Patriots offensive line was the glue that held that team together. You can't hear it enough, but Brady went through the entire season unscathed until they got cocky against the Giants, but that's another story.

Anyhow, the Lions have been piecing together a makeshift line since I was born. This current crop attributed to Jesus getting knocked on his ass at an alarming rate last season. So much for the disciples protecting Jesus. Hmm, so where do we go now? There's no question we let one slip away by passing on Joe Thomas. It was the obvious choice in the draft. Sure, you could make a case that maybe, just maybe Calvin Johnson becomes a freak or maybe you can claim that Adrian Peterson was hands down the steal of the draft.

Yet, we're still waiting for CJ and A-Pete runs behind one of the best OFFENSIVE lines in the game. And oh yeah, all Joe Thomas did was make the Pro-Bowl and help re-shape the Browns offense. Still have your doubts? It's not a hard proposition...it's imperative the Lions draft an offensive lineman. However, will it happen? Currently, the odds say it won't. Todd McShay of ESPN.com has the Lions snagging a Corner. Sweet!!!

Seriously, the guy the Lions need to take is going to be plucked away well before the clock lands on their number. And that would be Jake Long from Michigan. Isn't it obvious? Yet, this is all just wishful thinking, because it's simply not going to happen. So, basically it's all for naught. Regardless, it's time to own up to it...please, please send us an offensive lineman.

NCAA Power Ranks: "Straight Outta Compton" Edition

Check your pulse. It's the stretch drive for College Hoops. In two weeks from this coming Sunday every fucking dimwit you know will become an expert. Your fuck stick buddies will claim they "know" who is going to win it. You'll hear a lot of catch phrases like "I called that upset." All the while, you'll probably be quietly thinking to yourself...sure you did ass. Anyhow, we all know that magical day as selection Sunday. And don't fret...it's right around the corner.

However, we've still got a couple more weeks until we can "claim" to fill out the perfect bracket. For now, we've just got to sit back an enjoy the ride. And trust me, there is plenty more that needs to be shaken out before we can get this thing rolling. That's why...it's imperative that you follow along for another week of the POWER RANKS. I try to gift you wrap the flaws and weaknesses of each team, separate the elite from the frauds. Oh yeah, and this is all set to a totally irrelevant theme.

Hmm. That said, today I'm putting on loc's and Raiders hat, while sipping on a bottle of "8-ball." Yup, rollin' down the street in my 6-4. Um, OK...it's the power ranks edition set to the hierarchy of N.W.A. You dig? No, well fuck you.

The Elite - Dr. Dre LEVEL: Yup, Dr. Dre has to rest high upon the N.W.A chain of command. His helping hands shaped the grouped and altered the history of rap. Care to argue? OK, so these elite "6" haven't exactly reached that plateau just yet, but they are the gold standard of College Hoops.

1. Tennessee – There wasn’t a shadow of a doubt as to who the best team was on Saturday night. Memphis was blistering from deep, Lofton struggled mightily and the Vols still won the game on the road. Unanimous #1 is well deserved.

2. North Carolina – Here is a scary thought, the Tar Heels are starting to GEL and play clamping defense. They’ve learned to evolve without Ty Lawson and Q-Thomas has developed into not only a serviceable back-up PG, but a highly reliable PG.

3. Texas – You can’t argue with recent history. This team is certainly clicking right now, but you still have to wonder about the lack of a dominant inside presence. Although, Augustine sure makes up for anything they might lack.

4. UCLA – Yawn. Still the best team…if they want it, they’ll win it.

5. Memphis – Team Thug, looked fairly soft on Saturday night. Tennessee is just better, face it Memphis…perfection was just a dick tease.

6. Kansas – Can we all agree upon simply brushing aside tough conference losses on the road? Since when does a team from a major conference have no business losing any games? Would it be nice to go unblemished…sure, but it’s not happening.

The not "too" shabby - Ice Cube LEVEL: No question, Cube could certainly make a run with Dr. Dre for the money when it comes to lore and influence of N.W.A. However, remember mutha fucka went solo on that ass. Hence, N.W.A opening up a bitch fight that Cube ultimately rocked out with the classic "No Vaseline." And how that pertains to this next level of teams is beyond me, but these teams ain't too shabby themselves. Translation: They could make some noise.

7. Xavier – Still kind of floating off most people’s radar. This team is going to grab a #2 seed in the tournament and let’s not forget they were a non-call on Greg Oden away from trumping Ohio State in the 2nd round last year.

8. Duke – The deficiency of this team is starting to rear its ugly head. 1) They played completely out of their asses and over their heads for a good portion of the season. 2) They are simply not going to shoot 65% from deep every game. You knew it was only a matter of time.

9. Stanford – The Lopez bros sure are goofy looking, but at least they got a feature in SI last week. 2nd best team in the best conference…need to know anything else?

10. Indiana – Maybe this whole Kelvin Sampson thing works in reverse favor? They still have arguably two of the best players in the Big 10 in the dynamic inside/outside games of D.J White and Eric Gordon.

The "he died too early" - EAZY-E LEVEL: First off, R.I.P Eric Wright. And if you can't tell where I'm going with this one, other than to hell...here is the drift; it's going to be a short run for these pseudo elite teams.

11. Purdue – They are very well in line to win the Big 10, but are they the best team in the Big 10…me thinks not.

12. Georgetown – Wake me up when they lose in the 2nd round and you’re pissed about your brackets. I’ll be glad to say…I told you so!!!

13. Notre Dame – And now we continue rotating Big East and Big 10 teams back and forth.

14. Wisconsin – It’s my firm belief that this is the 4th best team in the Big 10. We’ll find out later this week when they visit East Lansing.

The Underrated M.C Ren LEVEL: He could never quite hold a candle to E, Cube or Dre, but damn M.C Ren was pretty friggin' tight. "If it ain't rough"...come on? So, that's this lone squad for this week. Pretty damn intriguing, but just not up to speed with the heavyweights.

15. Louisville – Insert another Big East team. The question now becomes, is anyone form either the Big 10 or Big East good enough to get to the Final Four. Right now, it looks to be inconclusive.

The Yella Boy LEVEL: Self-explanatory.

16. Drake – Just for the hell of it.

A Yank Goes to a Liverpool Match... and Lives to Tell

Wanna learn a foreign language while reading the one and only Ace Cowboy, a.k.a. Slack LaLane, a.k.a. Lucky To Be Alive provide a gripping recount of his pilgrimage to Anfield for the Liverpool - Intermilan match last week? Check out the great futbol blog, That's On Point, as Ace details the pubs, the fans, the song, the teeth, and a bunch of other shit you'll probably have to Google to understand. This teaser ought to pique your interest.

What a night in Liverpool. You wanna talk about tension and release?! Trey Anastasio's got nothing on the Liverpool XI. Shit, an Asian masseuse has nothing on the Liverpool XI. They whipped the crowd into the mother of all frenzies and then popped the cork at exactly the right time. The details of the match -- red cards, area handballs, you name it -- will be so unimportant and inconsequential when I look back at this match for all eternity. I like to joke that I've lived a pretty charmed life, but it's events and nights like this that help me go to sleep at night with a grin from ear to ear. Badass. Just badass.

Great recap and congrats on not getting the shit kicked out of you, Ace. I'm pretty sure I'll get my ass kicked if I ever make it to a Premier League match. People are always picking fights with me for some reason. I think it's probably because I'm a decent size guy, but really a giant pussy. So far, I think my fight record is about 0-1-14. The 14 is not draws either, but rather the times when I've had the good sense enough to say to myself, "I better get the hell outta here. I'm way too fucking drunk to deal with this shit."

You Are What You Watch

You're right, Tuesdays do suck, but at least we have Brandon from Just South of North to cheer us up with yet another piece of high comedy.

A large part of your persona is what you watch on television. That's why commercials are clearly geared towards whatever a certain channel's demographic is. Ever wonder why the Sci-Fi channel has so many dating service and sex talk line commercials? Ever wonder why you actually call up those dating services and sex talk lines? Might have something to do with the Xena Warrior Princess poster hanging up in your room.

So before you go channel surfing, keep in mind the subliminal messages you're sending to the rest of the world with you television habits. Here's what kind of people watch certain types of channels, find out where you're at and if you're happy with it.

History Channel

You probably own a motorhome in the garage and are enjoying retirement to its fullest. And by fullest I mean watching the Allies kick the crap out of the Axis Powers for the 150th time. Watching the Nazis lose never gets old, they're like the world power equivalent of the Washington Generals.

Now if you're in college and watch the history channel on a religious basis, than chances are your social life already resembles retirement

Adult Swim

You're stoned.

The Food Channel or HGTV

Your girlfriend controls every aspect of your life, including your TV-watching habits. You would rather watch ESPN or TNT, but since you value the practice of sex, you watch metrosexuals BBQ and makeover a living room.

MTV

You're not really big into music, but you love reality TV shows. You also know the URL to the Miz's website by memory.

Lifetime

You're a woman. If you're a guy, than you have some serious issues to deal with, such as the fact that you still live with your mother.

ESPN

You're under the illusion that you're going to become the next Dan Patrick, constantly commenting on the coverage of the network and getting pissed off when they don't show enough Hockey.

Spike TV

You're either 17 years old or never grew past that 17-year old mindset. You also like wrestling. In fact, you have a Ric Flair toothbrush and matching PJs. Strangely, you're also single.

Discovery Channel

You're the kind of person that likes to have something smart to say at work the next day. The only problem is, people lose all respect when they hear "I was watching Mythbusters last night and..." Either that or you have 4 different types of weed in a large glass mason jar.

Fox News

You're an old bastard that thinks the United States is being invaded by foreigners from Columbia. You thought the movie "Invasion USA" was a documentary.

VH1

You have no hope in humanity and lack the common sense to discern if you are travelling to 4th Street or 4th Avenue. That's why you watch countdown shows and celebrities in rehab.

The NFL Network

Your name is "Toni" and you own a salami shop in New York.

Cinemax

You like to see boobs.

And the Peanut M&Ms Go To...

Anita Hoffman Ehrenfried, you are the winner. You took down the competition in the first annual GoWF Oscar Ballot contest with 16 correct selections. Since we have no way of contacting you, shoot us an email and we'll talk about reaping the benefits of your brilliance in the world of cinema. You can either write an article on this here blog, we'll write one for yours (if you have one), or we'll provide you with some movie related crap (preferably one of the first choices, since they don't cost money).

Overall, the majority of the balloteers did quite well. Stan actually did the worst and I was right up there. Nearly everybody made good on the obvious choices such at the No Country for Old Men majors, Javier Bardem for Best Supporting actor, and Juno for Best original screenplay. The Bourne Ultimatum really separated the pack for the most part. Well, thanks to everybody who participated and keep your eyes peeled for some hot March Madness action in the near future.

Congrats to Anita.

Hot Prospects for 2008

Anyone whose read our little blog here from time to time knows that we try to shy away from using pictures of tail to drum up traffic. We don't take the high road or anything like that, it's just that we want people to take us seriously as writers and focus on our astute brand of prose. Ha. Just kidding. I don't really know why we don't do it, but we don't. Well, today I'm making an exception as we highlight the up and coming hot rookie prospects for the 2008 MLB season. Here is your preseason all rookie team sized up with some other hot prospects; young, inappropriate, celebrity girls. I suppose if we are gonna bust out a smut post, we might as well make it fully inappropriate. Side note: I actually went to the Tiger Beat website to compile this list.

Taylor Swift / Clay Buchholz - Both of these two breakout stars experienced a taste of the big time right out of the gates. Buchholz pitched a no-no in his debut season for the Red Sox last year and Swift was nominated for a Grammy. The sky is the limit for both of these up and coming stars; Buchholz with his solid heater and knee-buckling curve and Swift with her cute flirtatious hotness.


Michele Trachtenberg / Cameron Maybin - Trachtenberg's breakout role in Eurotrip might just look strangely like the situation with Cameron Maybin in the Detroit-Florida trade involving Miguel Cabrera. Cabrera is like the token hottie that everybody wants and causes the main character to cross the ocean in search of said hottie, but it's Trachtenberg that he really wants in the end. For the Tigers, what they really wanted might have been there all along as well. Maybin has a decent shot a rookie of the year if he can capitalize on his athleticism. He can hit for average or power and has great speed. We expect big things from both of these blossoming youths.

Emma Watson / Joba Chamberlain - We know quite a bit about both of these two. Joba came up huge in the playoffs last season, providing one of the few positive elements of the Yankees post season. Emma just keeps getting better with age and we expect the same to hold true for Joba.

Amanda Bynres / Jacoby Ellsbury - These two are both smokin' hot and in demand, but they carry a load of annoying baggage. Bynes is always doused in make-up, plays terrible roles, and her voice sounds like squawking crane. Regardless, she's developing into a delicious saucy dish that we'll all be ready to eat up in a few years. Ellsbury plays for the dreaded Red Sox and got way too much attention in the whole Santana saga. He must be good though, considering they basically blew their chance at the top starting pitcher in baseball to keep Ellsbury. Ellsbury should grow into a solid veteran, slappin liners like Wade Boggs near the top of the Sox batting order for years to come.

Mylie Cyrus / Evan Longoria - Both of these young superstars in waiting are likewise cursed with horrible names. Evan Longoria bears a remarkable similarity to the Tiny Monster and Mylie is doomed with the surname of her white trash dad. Regardless, we expect both of these two youngsters to be selling out stadiums in no time. Evan Longoria is expected to start at the hot corner for the Devil Rays and is an early favorite for rookie of the year if he can make good on his power.

Hayden Panetierre / Jay Bruce - Both of these youngsters are primed to become powerhouse sluggers in no time. Hayden Panetierre is already gracing all the top magazine covers and trotting around an entourage of paparazzi. Jay Bruce hasn't showed off his power on such a grand stage yet, but he has dominated at the plate at every level so far, so there is little reason to assume he won't do it again on the grandest stage. Bruce should be a ROY contender as he takes over centerfield in Cincinnati for a Reds team that is dire need a new star.

The Atlanta Braves Detroit Pistons are at it Again!

You can always tell our interests on this site by what we devote the majority of our time spooling off useless information about. Usually we tend to focus on our craving for Phish to comeback, the sad state of the Lions, mis-guided gambling tips, bickering about the dying rivalry between MSU and Michigan, as well as other various and sundry matters. However, it recently dawned on us that we've been neglecting the NBA. And that's due in large part to the fact that none of us really even watch the association until the playoffs.

However, with everything going down out West, Boston's resurgence and Big Ben "supposedly" re-surfacing in Cleveland, consider us bandwagon hoppers...because we are just downright fucking giddy now. OK, really...you all should know the real reason why we have been avoiding NBA talk. And that's because it's all about our beloved Pistons, which renders the regular season useless. Yes, consider us well aware the Pistons ripped off 10 straight prior to the All-Star break, they've all, but wrapped up another Central Division title and are yet again considered a favorite to to win the East.

So what's the problem you might ask? Well, everything is the problem. The Pistons have been in this spot for the past 5 years and we still only have one friggin' Championship to show for it. None of this regular season shit really matters. Don't get me wrong, Detroit sports fans needed this era of Pistons basketball and we are so very grateful for everything. This era came together shortly on the heels of the "teal" uniform era, another abysmal stretch from the Lions, the Tigers were entrenched in agony and the Red Wings were aging. Thus, you could say this Pistons team is the best thing to happen to Detroit since Robocop.

Yet, success breeds swagger and expectations. And that's where we stand today as Pistons fans. All this revelation and rejuvenation in the NBA is great, but where will it leave this remarkable run from the Detroit Pistons? Let's face it, the Pistons as great as they are, have kind of let their own success get into their heads. Remember the 2004 team and the chip they carried on their shoulders? How they handled their business and didn't make excuses?

Fast forward to today and this team is hardly the hard nosed "we don't give a fuck team" that we once knew and loved. Slow down, nobody is saying there is any love lost for Pistons basketball...RELAX. All that means is the time is NOW for this group. We've let the last 3 years slip through our fingers. It all started with Sheed's bonehead decision to leave Robert Horry wide open and thus steal a 'ship from us. Then we got cocky and thought we had Miami's number for sure, wrong. And don't get me started on Cleveland last season.

There can be no excuse that the better teams didn't win those years, but it sure helped to have a lack of effort from the Pistons and an earful of talk. They let their swagger get them over their shoulders and we kept hearing the same old, same old "we've been here before." Well, the fact is the Pistons have been in this same familiar territory as one of the alpha dogs for the past 5 years. Will this be the year they finally get back to the magic they had in 2004 or will they simply be just another version of the Atlanta Braves...great in the regular season, but flame outs when it counts most.

With the resurgence and excitement the league is generating these days, it'd only be fitting for the Pistons to stomp out the Celtics in the Eastern Conference Finals and then battle the Lakers to the death in the Finals. Then again, that's only wishful thinking. Let's hope they can beat Orlando or Cleveland in the 2nd round.

GoWF Lost: Episode 3

Cast of Characters

Episode 1
Episode 2

Missy Gibson and Bill Walton are following a little behind the pack of Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Ray Lewis, and Mark Cuban as the group continues hiking toward the giant beached pirate ship.

Missy Gibson: Hey, Bill. You are Bill Walton aren't you?

Bill Walton: Bill Walton I am. And I heard through the grapevine that you are called Missy. I once had a sister named Missy. Well, not a real sister, but a tour sister. She used to make the most delicious paella. I don't suppose you make a good paella do you?

Missy Gibson: Um, no. I don't even know what paella is. I'm a professional surfer and model. I was flying to Hawaii for the 2008 Rip Curl classic when our plane went down. This was gonna be my year to break out... No more bloggers ogling me as a sex symbol. I was gonna win the championship and finally make it as an athlete, not just another piece of ass on those damn top hottest athletes lists.

Bill Walton: That's a bummer kiddo. It reminds me of the time when me and Bob Weir were driving to Missoula, MT to go paragliding at Big Sky. We we're so stoked to try it and fly with the eagles, but we ran out of gas and ended up catching a ride with this crazy truck driver who took us all the way to Kansas before we realized that we went the wrong direction.

Missy Gibson: Really, didn't you notice that you weren't in the mountains?

Bill Walton: Well, if we noticed we weren't in the mountains, don't you think we would have sto...

Just then, both Missy and Bill trip and fall abruptly to the ground as a lasso of rope snags them by the feet and pulls them off the path and into the jungle. We briefly see black bags thrown over their heads and tied, before they are knocked out cold with brutal blows to the dome.

Light eventually fades back in slowly and we see a small man in a red sweater vest remove the black bags from both of their heads.

Bill Walton: Whoa man, who are you? What do you want with us? Where are we? Is this a flashback?

Jim Tressel: You're on my island. You are intruding and I need to make a few things clear to you and your friends? The first one, I just did. This is my island, not yours. There will be no treasure hunting, escape, or peaceful existence. If you and your friends want to live on this island, or even want to live period, you will do exactly as I say.

Bill Walton: Nice sweater vest, dude. Did you get that at the Men's Wear Warehouse?

Jim Tressel: That's enough out of you. You can either provide me some answers or go into the hatch. What's it gonna be, kids?

Missy Gibson: Fuck you, you piece of shit accounting wannabe, sweater vest wearing, mother fucker. I wouldn't help you if I was starving to death and you were made of Arby's.

Jim Tressel: Alright, you asked for it.

Tressel pulls out a walkie talkie from his bag and makes a call.

Jim Tressel: Heather, get your hot white ass over here. I'm about 25 paces uphill from the hatch. Pronto.

An audible creak of a large iron door is followed by a slamming sound in the near distance. Roughly fifteen seconds later, Heather Mitts' silhouette forms on the path coming up the hill. She approaches and assists Jim Tressel in tying the two prisoners' hands behind their backs with rope and escorting them down the hill. Jim Tressel pulls out a remote control of sorts and what appears as an overgrown brush of plants and bushes, opens to reveal a large iron door to a hatch leading underground. Jim Tressel pushes the two prisoners and they are sent sliding down a slippery slope probably 30 feet before they are deposited onto a hard stone floor in the middle of a dimly lit room with no doors or windows.

Bill Walton: Well my dear. We sure took care of them. Hahaa. They will know better than to mess with us next time.

Missy Gibson: Very funny, Bill. How can you be cracking jokes at a time like this?

Bill Walton: Oh come on. Lighten up. You heard that guy. He needs our help. We aren't in any danger as long as they still need our help. I wonder what he could want with a group of castaway who are lost on an island?

Missy Gibson: Good question. I just want to get outta here. Hey look at that. There's drawings on the wall over there. Oh wow. Look at that it's a bunch of sportscards tacked up to the wall. My brother used to put cards like that up in his room. Let's go take a look.

Bill Walton: Ha. Would you look at that. These are some of the greatest players of all time. Look at this.

Fran Tarkenton, Mark Messier, Pele, Wilt Chamberlain, Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Willie Mays, John Elway, and Bobby Orr.

That's amazing. Those guys we're like Jerry Garcia on May 7th at the Boston Gard...

Missy Gibson: Bill!!! Zip it. We need to figure out how to get out of here. I get it. Those guys are great players and Jerry was too, but we are trapped in a fucking jail cell on a deserted island after surviving a plane crash. It's not the time or the place for your Dead references.

Bill Walton: You're right. OK, let's think. Well, that Heather girl seemed to be in here before Tressel called her up, so there has to be a way out without his remote control.

Just then, we hear the iron door open and the slam shut. Within moments, a bloody and seriously injured Brett Favre is deposited from the chute and left nearly motionless on the hard floor of the cell.

LOST. Gadooooosh.

#3 - Bob Marley "Uprising"

Editors Note: Continuing with the ongoing series "The Ghosts proudly present the Top 101 Albums…EVER." Worthy to note, this collection is comprised of OUR personal favorites and shouldn’t be used as a compass or declaration of what many music critics may have written or compiled in the past. This list is solely for the establishment and entertainment of, for and by the Ghosts. We will continue to randomly run our selections in no particular order. As usual, we encourage you to make us whole with your angst-ridden additions. Enjoy.

Bob Marley - Uprising

"Check out the real situation: Nation war against nation. Where did it all begin? When will it end?"

Overview: Did you really think we were just going to let this Top 101 shit just fade away? Did you really think this was solely devoted to "classic" rock albums that you read about in Rolling Stone. Well, sorry for you if you believed otherwise. Regardless, we simply could NOT have any such countdown without a heavy does of Reggae music. And believe me, there is plenty more Reggae to come later on down the line. For now, we start with Robert Nesta Marley. Where do you begin and where do you end?

Hmm, Bob is quite intriguing. His album catalog alone should get it's lone roster slot on this countdown. However, the judges went against my greater wishes and popped "Uprising" on the board. My call of course would've been for "Confrontation." However, like I said...picking a Bob Marley album to represent is hard, because it's hard to go wrong. And so, I won't complain at all about "Uprising." It holds a collection of soulful and evolved Bob Marley. It's a tad more refined than Marley roots, but we all know that refinement means commercial appeal.

Key Musical Highlight(s): Worst cliche in this whole countdown. The most appealing song on the album is a coin flip between "Could you Be Loved" and "Redemption Song." However, those songs are more for the casual Reggae/Marley fan who got baptized by Marley in college. Um, not to sound like a prick or anything. Anyhow, my call for the highlight of this album is none other than "Coming in from the Cold." The lead-off song sets the tone, it's catchy, great lyrics, redeeming and better yet it just feels fucking uplifting.

Connection: When you're a white kid from the burbs...Bob Marley tends to be your first connection to Reggae music. Well, in some cases...he's your only connection. That said, Bob lured me into Reggae at a young age and left me craving this brand of music. Thus, I've "connected" and collected Reggae records for the better part of 10 years now. And I owe it all to Bo---OK, that's just lame.

Who wears the t-shirt? Well, I do. OK, not the "Uprising" shirt, but I did used to have the tapestry hanging in college, while I burned nagchampa. Moving on, I do actually own and wear the "Confrontation" shirt in the regular rotation. Sure, it's yellow, but who doesn't like Bob Marley riding a horse with a sword in hand?

Overall: I've said enough. We simply could never be friends if you don't LOVE Bob Marely and/or Reggae music. Are we clear? And that folks...is why this record is all-up-in our Top 101 albums ever. And, um...that's why it's ranked so HIGH.

Thew 2008 GoWF Oscar Contest

The Oscars are 3 days away and we're challenging you all to a winner takes all contest of wits. Well, actually it's more like winner takes practically nothing, but if you'd like to compete against some of the keenest cinematic minds in the blogosphere, you've come to the right place.

In terms of prizes, we offer you either the right to plaster this here site with whatever nonsense you so desire at your leisure or conversely, to hire us to do your internet tidings somewhere else. If neither of those appeal to you, we can send you some CDs, movie tickets, or Peanut M&Ms. Most importantly, you get the thrill of competition. So, here are the details. Just follow this link, make your picks, and provide an email address. We'll let you know the results on Monday.

2008 Ghosts of Wayne Fontes Oscar Contest

Strangely, there aren't many services available out there for Oscar fantasy leagues, so this one is a bit on the ghetto side. Nevertheless, it should do the job. Apparently, the tight asses at the Academy don't like to encourage gambling, so the big dogs like Yahoo! don't offer this type of game anymore. Well, good luck and enjoy the show.

* Betting tip: I saw Michael Clayton on a flight yesterday and that film doesn't belong anywhere near an Academy Award. It's an entirely enjoyable film, but I felt like I had seen it before (i.e., Erin Brockavich & Civil Action) and there was absolutely nothing new or groundbreaking whatsoever.

#20 - Modest Mouse "Good News For People Who Love Bad News"

Editors Note: Continuing with the ongoing series "The Ghosts proudly present the Top 101 Albums…EVER." Worthy to note, this collection is comprised of OUR personal favorites and shouldn’t be used as a compass or declaration of what many music critics may have written or compiled in the past. This list is solely for the establishment and entertainment of, for and by the Ghosts. We will continue to randomly run our selections in no particular order. As usual, we encourage you to make us whole with your angst-ridden additions. Enjoy.

Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News

"Walked away to another plan. Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand. I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way."

Overview: Allow the backlash to begin. "Dude, are you fucking serious?" In short, yes. Modest Mouse is one of the few indie bands that can border on just catchy and gifted enough that they are able to lure more than just pseudo punks. This album defies mostly everything the "hardcore" Modest Mouse fan would like to believe in, mainly due to it's commercial success. However, it's not as if Modest Mouse woke up one day and as a group sold out. How do you fault a band for making a "special" album?

We've all had a album that at some point in our lives was the "it" record. It defined a season, a summer or an era for us and thus, it's immediately embedded in memory. Well, most of us who care about music have felt that way...I'm sure...unless of course you have no soul. All righty then, this album was that record for me several summer's ago. It was all about timing. I'd enjoyed Modest Mouse before, but not like this record. It had soul, pep, life and was pretty easy to engage. When you have ADD...that's always important in music.

Key Musical Highlight(s): Obviously "Float On" and the "Ocean Breathes Salty" roped in a collective group of "radio-friendly" listeners. And it'd be a hard task to narrow down the definitive moment of this record. So, let's not even bother. Top to bottom it's hard to find a throw away song. On record, I'll go with "Bury me with it"...cause it's nice pissed off rock.

Connection: I believe I already explained that above...right?

Overall: OK, so I decided to quicken this one up just a touch, because I can already feel the scorn from the legions upon legions of commenter's waiting to backlash. However, this was group effort in compiling this list...don't kill the messenger. Is #20 a tad high for this album...probably, but it still would've made the Top 101. So, you'll just have to deal with it. And that's why this one is locked in the Top 101...EVER.

Escalating the Spat

In what seems like the most useless story to surface this week; ESPN has found it a necessity to deliver the news of a little bitch fight between Roy Williams and Coach K. Oh yes, it's North Carolina versus Duke...it's fueling the fire on the rivalry. Actually, the definitive answer is NO, it's doing neither. It's just another motivating factor for ESPN to pipe out another falsely hyped story. Let's take from this what we should, nothing more than a pathetic little spat between two coaches who feel the need to flaunt perfection.

And who really gives a shit about this? Look, I'm one of these folks who hangs on the extreme in this rivalry. I thoroughly devote myself to North Carolina and happen to think that Coach K, aside from being a rat may very well welcome me at the gates of hell when I arrive. That's just me. Moving on, the spat is still likely to get treated well into the coming weeks in the endless efforts to build up hype for March 8th. And so today, I figured why not sprinkle my own "fictional" twist on how this argument can and should elevate. Bear with me...

Williams: Dag gum.

Coach K: I don't consider myself a Coach.

Williams: How about a coke? My mom always told me to stock my fridge with coke.

Coach K: I consider myself a leader who happens to coach basketball.

Williams: Doo-hickey.

Coach K: Fuck.

Williams: I could give a shit about Carolina.

Coach K: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity-Fuck. Prick. That was a foul.

Williams: In 20 years as a head coach, I’ve never had anybody that other teams would talk about as a flopper.

Coach K: It's my life, that's why my card is American Express.

Williams (misty-eyed): I owe my life to Coach Smith.

Coach K: Fuck. My eyes could burn a hole in your fucking skull.

How does it end? Do you really care?

NCAA Power Ranks: "Just Movin' Along" Edition

The College Basketball scene is up-and-down. The only certain thing we really know is that Memphis holds rank in just about every "human" or "computer" poll we've got. However, are they really the best team in the country? One week, we love one team...the next week...we hate that same team. Very few things make sense, but we all know resolve is around the corner come March when the ultimate shakedown takes place. I've at least narrowed things down to my very own Elite 6, which you'll see below.

However, for today it's real simple...I'm not one to be an advocate of cheesy 70's rock, but this one I couldn't resist. This week's theme for the Power 16 ranks is navigated by the brilliant lyrics of the band Boston. Don't ask...just follow along.

The "I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People livin' in competition...all I want is to have my peace of mind" TIER: The Top Tier teams have been second guessed and picked apart for all their flaws all season. In fact, it's hardly remained a constant in these ranks, but eventually one of these ELITE 6 will find..."peace of mind."

1. Tennessee - You may have heard that there is a serious showdown this weekend. I'm taking the team with the most "Smith's."

2. North Carolina - This team simply continues to flucuate, but that's in large part due to the media hype or the media despise...pending which side you're on is how you feel about them. That said Hansbrough is above and beyond the player of the year.

3. Memphis - Team Thug gets their highest rank I've ever been willing to dish out. If they lose at home to the Vols, expect a plummet in my fictional ranks, as well as the "real" polls.

4. Kansas - If they stay the course they'll be in line for yet another #1 seed. What they do with it this year is beyond me. As usual, they could win the whole thing or gag in the 2nd round.

5. UCLA - You won't feel me waiver in the least. On repeat: "If this team puts it together at the right time, they WILL win the National Championship."

6. Texas - They survived a slump from Augustine and in turn have started to churn out some top tier basketball. Have you seen their quality wins...seriously? Tell me they can't win a Championship. Tell me???

The "We'll I'm taking my time...just movin' along...you'll forget about me after I've been gone" TIER: These teams are making us think. We want to believe and we might pencil them deep on our brackets, but we'll long forget about each of them, because none of them is capable of cutting down the nets.

7. Duke - On the other hand...this is a team that has overachieved all season long. Coach K certainly won't be accused of getting the most out of this group, but as I've been saying: "You live by the THREE and you eventually DIE by the three."

8. Butler - You're no longer going out on a limb to call this your SLEEPER. This team is legit.

9. Purdue - For the record I ripped this out right before Indiana won on Tuesday. I was going to scratch the Boilermakers, but opted to leave them put. This team still has the best chance out of anyone in the Big 10 to make a deep March run.

The "Gonna hitch a ride. Head for the other side" TIER: These teams are hitching a ride all right. And that ride might be all the way to the Final Four. Can you find a collective group of hotter teams...right now?

10. Stanford - The Pac-10 speaks for itself and if you're the 2nd best team in the best conference you've simply got to be considered amongst the elite. Plus, I like the bizarro Lopez brothers.

11. Connecticut - Hasheem Thabeet is putting together his best Okafur impersenation...if not better. ARe you kidding me with this stat line? 16 points, 13 rebounds and 8 blocks.

12. Xavier - Star most likely to rise up in March, not named James Gist...Drew Lavender.

13. Louisville - Ever since Pitino took off the White suit at half against Georgetown...the surge has been on.

The "I closed my eyes and she slipped away. She slipped away. She slipped away." TIER: For these teams, it was fun while it lasted, but they are honestly headed south. Or at least they sure as hell don't impress me (not that that's really saying much).

14. Wisconsin - Don't ask.

15. Georgetown - Plummeting. Maybe they are better in the "sneaking up on you" level. I'm not sure, but if you can't see the flaws...I can't help you.

16. Drake - The other big showdown this week (Butler vs. Drake).

And lastly I couldn't leave out a new list of teams to watch as we get closer to the "Big Dance." Aside from being captain obvious...here are some teams that have played tough schedules and/or lost close games. Yup, these are your SEXY SLEEPERS: West Virgina, USC, Maryland, Davidson, BYU.

Until next week...

Somewhere William Clay Ford is Cursing

Good news for blog reading Lion's fans; our brother in Fontes, Big Al from the Wayne Fontes Experience, has joined forces with the Fan Sided Blog network as the lead writer at the new dedicated Lion's blog, The Sidelion Report. Check out Al's first post about the Curse of William Clay Ford. You can expect live blogs, insight, Free Press bashing, and maybe even some Pink Floyd.

Looks like we're fucked, Matt.

Jobs we should really aspire to get after graduating from college

Our favorite weekly columnist, Brandon Hansen from Just South of North, is back with another life lesson for the youngsters. It's a shame you can't all land high paid blogging gigs like us. It's the life.

After listening to all those know-it-alls who sit in the front row and talk about their trip to Europe with their great aunt, after dealing with book prices that could bankrupt the U.S. Government, after pulling 48-hour work days and ending up sleeping on a couch somewhere in the student union building… on someone’s lap, we really begin to question whether or not our college education is going to get us anywhere.

But if our hometown friends with three kids and a cushy job at the local Wal-Mart with aspirations to make full-time employment someday at the supercenter are any indication, it’s probably a good thing we went to school.

So whenever you got your degree, be grateful. But don’t turn your nose up at these AWESOME jobs that may not require a college education.

Zamboni Driver
There is not a better position in the world of sports. Sure, you could be the general manager of the Yankees but after watching Roger Clemens inject his wife with HGH, it might lose some its luster.

Security Guard for a Mattress Store
It’s not like people plan large mattress store heists and if someone does get the bright idea to try and steal a mattress, it’s going to be pretty easy to spot and chase down the poor sap trying to wrangle a mattress and run at the same time.

Plus you get to wear a uniform and we all know how women love a man in uniform. Even if it does have the sheep from the “Mattress Outlet” on it.

Golf Cart Test Driver
There’s nothing more fun than going Tokyo Drift on a golf cart - except maybe flipping it and having it roll over your body. You see, the beauty of getting in a golf cart wreck is that you probably aren’t going to get hurt. Unless you’re a dumbass.

Research has shown that there are a few dumbasses in our society, if you’re one of them, we recommend you stick to test driving Power Wheels.

Professional Beer Pong Player
Many people spend their lives in the weight room, on the field or court, toiling in their own sweat and blood to make it to pro ranks. Once they’re in the pro ranks they find that they have to hit the weight room harder, struggle out in competition against the best of the best and then deal with media scrutiny. But Pro Beer Pong Players? All they have to do is get drunk and clean up the next morning. Niiiiiiceeee.

Guest star for The Sarah Conner Chronicles on Fox
Because at this rate, we’re the only guest stars they’ll be able to afford.

Treasure Hunter
Make sure that you get the fedora and possibly an eye patch. Because everyone looks way cooler with an eye patch. You know that ginger sitting in the front of class that’s about 30 pounds over weight and has a set of teeth that slight resembles Sloth from the Goonies? Give him an eyepatch and he’ll look like a badass.

Dam Foreman
Who didn’t want to work at the Grand Coulee Dam when they were little? Am I the only one? When other kids were going to Disneyland, baseball games, and movies while I went to the Grand Coulee Dam, was I missing out on some sort of important part of my childhood? Again, aren’t dams the coolest thing ever?

Working at “Hot Dog on a Stick” in the Mall
Because you know whoever came up with that brilliant name must be a great person to work for.

Dinner With the Ghostbusters

by Dan Sullivan

Three months after completing their first job (and days before hiring Winston Zeddmore), the Ghostbusters try to enjoy a relaxing evening at an upscale French Restaurant somewhere on the Upper East Side. Unfortunately company loyalties, racial politics and a certain up-and-coming Hollywood actor put a spoil on their plans.

Ray Stantz, Ph.D.: Hey guys, sorry I am late. Traffic is murder and I couldn’t find a place to park.

Egon Spengler, Ph.D.: You drove?

Ray: I’m not going to take a cab and leave a perfectly good car sitting in our garage.

Peter Venkman, Ph.D.: The guy loves that car…

Ray: That car is a rolling advertisement. It does as much for us as our TV ads do, that’s for sure.

Egon: We appreciate the legwork, Ray.

Venkman: Dude, what’s with the jumpsuit? This is a classy place, and we’re not working tonight.

Ray: I’m wearing it for the same reason I drive the car—maintaining public awareness. Plus, I thought a little professional solidarity at this point might not hurt, but I can’t help but notice that you two aren’t wearing yours.

Venkman: I’m surprised they let you in here wearing that thing. And why are you wearing that [pointing to his positron glider]?

Ray: I’m not going to wear the suit and drive the car and then leave the gear at home. This is a package deal.

Egon: I think Peter is just saying that we don’t always have to be Ghostbusters. You know, like every second…

Venkman: That is exactly what I’m trying to say. You know, I am also getting a little sick of that song. Enough with the “Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!” already. I mean, the point is taken.

Ray: What’s that? [pointing to an object on the table] Is that our new Atari game?

Venkman: No, it’s what they call a “beeper”, and it’s mine.

Ray: A “beeper”? It’s called a “beeper”? And what exactly does this “beeper” do? Oh, let me guess—it beeps.

Venkman: That’s exactly what it does, smart guy. They’re new, not to mention quite expensive.

Ray: Why do we have one?

-A silence ensues-

Egon: Now is not a good time to get into this, I don’t think…

Ray: Get into what?

Venkman: It’s from the fire department—for when they want to get a hold of me.

Ray: Why would the fire department want to get a hold us? Aside from that free-floating Dalmatian specter a couple of years ago, they’ve haven’t had any problems.

Venkman: It’s not for ghost problems. And I didn’t say “us”—I said me. You have such a one-tracked mind, you know that?

Ray: You? What would the Fire Department want with you?

Egon: Peter is gonna be doing some consulting work for them. They asked him to advise them on their new--

Ray: You’re doing some—what?—“consulting work”? I think you mean “moonlighting”. We never discussed this….

Venkman: You’re right, we didn’t. We didn’t discuss it because we don’t have to discuss it. That is the nature of moonlighting. It’s something that one does independent of his primary employment.

Egon: Listen, Ray. Peter and I talked about this and it seems like a pretty good thing for him. In fact it might even be good for all of--

Ray: Oh, I see! The two of you discussed this! Then everything must be just fine! So long as two of us are in on the deliberations, then I’m sure everything is all set!

Egon: It’s not that big of a deal, okay? So let’s just leave it.

Ray: I suppose you’ll be using the equipment—our equipment.

Venkman: From time to time, yes.

Ray: Well, that doesn’t sound very “independent” to me. And what exactly are you going to be doing for them? I mean, no offense, but Egon and I are much more qualified as scientists than you are, Peter.

Venkman: [to Egon] Did I tell you, or what?

Ray: What? What did you tell him?

Venkman: I told him that you would question my professional capabilities, that you’d say that I was somehow inferior to your level of “scientist”

Ray: Well, since we’re talking about it, let’s be honest here. Yeah, sure, you provide timely comic relief and, whenever we are running down the street during a montage, you lead the way, but aside from that, Harold and I are the real brains behind the this operation.

Egon: Now, wait a minute, Ray, that’s not fair.

Venkman: No Egon, its fine. If he’s got something to say, let’s hear it. Obviously, this is something that’s been on Ray’s mind for awhile.

Ray: Not just my mind—our minds.

Egon: Don’t drag me into this…

--Waiter appears with drinks for Venkman and Egon—

Waiter: May I get you something from the bar, monsieur?

Ray: No, I’m fine for now, but I would like to see a menu.

Waiter: Sir, we have no menus Che Nous. There are three specials tonight. Your friends took the liberty of selecting one for you.

Ray: Oh, they did? Well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear that.

Venkman: Listen, the whole consulting thing came up out of nowhere and they didn’t get me any time to think it over or talk to you guys about it. So, can we forget it for now?

Ray: Well, you are not leaving me much choice, are you? Fine. Let’s leave it. But there is one thing that I think merits further discussion.

Venkman: Here we go...

Ray: Well come on, Peter. It’s a silly idea.

Venkman: I don’t think it’s silly. I think it’s rather progressive.

Ray: Progressive—ha! Since when do you care about being progressive?

Venkman: Hey man, it’s 1985, I’m thirty-three years old, it’s time I start caring about something. I mean, Civil Rights was 30 years ago and racism is still rampant in this country.

Ray: That may very well be, but I don’t think the burden is on us to change society.

Venkman: “Change society”—try not to be so dramatic! All I’m saying is, it’s not a bad idea to hire a black guy.

Ray: Hey, I’m the first to say that, yes, we need a fourth person—maybe even a fifth. And I’m not in the slightest bit opposed to hiring [a minority]. But I don’t think we should confine our search to only, you know…

Venkman: Come on, Ray, you can say it, can’t you? “Black person.”. Black person, black person, black person. Go ahead, give it a try. It’s quite liberating.

Ray: Does everything have to be a joke with you? I don’t think we should confine our search to a black person.

Venkman: No? Well, why not? What’s the problem? I think it would be good for this company. I for one would like to work with some people of color. It would be good for me, in fact. And I know it would be good for you.

Ray: Just what are you trying to say, Peter? That I’m some kind of racist?

Venkman: Well, how many black people do you know?

Ray: How many do you know!!

Venkman: That’s just my point! None! I live in New York fucking City and I don’t know any black people! It’s pathetic, man. I don’t have a single black friend, I’ve never worked with a black person—I don’t even know a black person! And now, I have the opportunity to provide a job to someone who might not find one because of all the racist fucks that refuse to hire them. I mean, come on—let’s be part of the solution!

Ray: [to Egon] I’m guessing you’re in on this, too.

Egon: I think it’s a great idea. Though President Kennedy pushed what are typically called “Affirmative Action” practices—essentially what Bill is proposing to do here—back in the 60’s, Republican administrations haven’t embraced the idea at all. We probably need it more now than ever with Ronald Regan winning a second term.

Ray: Okay. Fine. Have it your way. I just hope you can live with the fact that we might be taking an opportunity away from a perfectly-qualified white candidate for your little experiment…

Venkman: Don’t worry about the white guy—he’s gonna have plenty of opportunities elsewhere.

Ray: Hey guys, check it out. Isn’t that the actor from that new F-16 movie, “Top Man” or something?

Ray: It’s called “Top Gun”.

Venkman: It should be called “Top Man”. I saw it last week. It’s unbelievably gay.

Egon: Yeah?

Venkman: Oh, god, there’s all this homoerotic love between the pilots, 4 or 5 locker room scenes and, towards the end, the Cruiser freaks out when his partner dies. Like, gay freaks out. You could tell he wanted him, bad.

Ray: Come to think of it, that “Outsiders” movie was pretty gay, too. A bunch of teen boys living together, always wrestling, not wearing any shirts…

Egon: Weird, because “Taps” was also gay. All these guys in military school, running around in their underwear. I guess he channels his homosexuality through his movies. Hey—is he coming over here?

Ray: Yeah… I think… yeah, he is coming over here. You don’t think he heard us, do you?

Venkman: I hope so. His movies are gay and I’m gonna tell him.

Tom Cruise: Hey! Whoa! The Ghostbusters! I am huge fan—just huge! Capital “H” huge! Love what you’re doing around this city, really, just love it, lovin’ every minute it of it!

Venkman: Yeah, I like your work, too. In fact, we were just talking about a couple of your movies and—

Egon: So, Tom, what brings you to The Big Apple? Getting tired of all those hot L.A. ladies?

Cruise: Ladies? What ladies?

Egon: Oh, I was just making a joke…

Cruise: A joke? Oh, a joke! Right! Ha, Ha! Hysterical man, just hysterical! No, actually I’m here to meet some people, some really special people. Yeah!

Ray: Some special people, huh?

Cruise: Yeah! Totally special! They call themselves “scientologists”—yeah! They are this really special, really cool group who are totally going to help my career.

Ray: How’s that?

Cruise: How? Well, you know… I’m not sure… I didn’t really give it much thought. They just called and asked me to come out here.. for, you know… like a meeting. They said come to New York and bring all your money. So I did. It’s like in 5 minutes. Yeah! Alright! Anyway, they said they could really take my career to the next level, so I was like “Yeah! Whoa! You only live once!” Yeah!

Venkman: Well, best of luck with all of that. If they do give you some pointers, take some notes on what they say about your movies being totally fucking—

Ray: Good! Your movies being, uh, “totally fucking good”.

Cruise: Yeah! Okay! Gottcha! Ha, ha! Well, it’s been real, gentlemen! Keep it coming and all that! Yo! Ha! I’m outta here!

And with that, the tiny, spring-loaded actor starts to pounce and skip around the restaurant, throwing headlocks around the necks of bemused customers and landing handsprings on the shoulders of snotty French waiters. Disoriented and insane, the lunatic suddenly drops the circus act as a limousine silently eases its way to the curb. A disembodied hand appears commanding the little man-boy to approach who, in turn, gives off a look similar to that of a loyal servant who has failed to please his master. He lurches toward the car as if in the inexorable hold of a tractor beam and limply slides into the backseat. The hand retracts, the window closes, and a withering protest of “No more penis cuff, please” escapes just as the metallic glass abuts with the sound-proof rubber mold, sealing him in a modern sarcophagus of unimaginable consequence and horror. With turned stomachs, the Ghostbusters ask for the bill and return to the firehouse shaken and undernourished by the evening’s events, but also calmed and satiated by the fact they are not, nor ever will be, Tom Cruise.

Ron Burgundy Interviews Tom Izzo

Lazy Monday. Happy President's Day. Enjoy. Hopefully, Ron can explain to Izzo that his front court sucks.

Friday Beefy Bouillabaisse Broth

Here's a little Ritalin to your ADHD. This should provide you with a solid hour or so of entertainment to glide you into the weekend. This is just a smorgasboard of nonsense, links, and videos that piqued our interest throughout the week. Enjoy and we'll see ya next week...

First off, thanks to our friend Damo for this gem of Snoop at his first hockey game. This is high comedy.



Next, test your axe knowledge here with this great guitar quiz. See if you can beat my 83 score. Not to brag, but that's not too bad. I "educated" guessed on nearly all of them though, so it's pretty much just luck.

Thought that one was fun. Yo holmes, fuck that, you holmes fuck this. This time, let's see how you fare on your guitar solo knowledge. This one is actually moving slower than the DMV right now, but it's a lot of fun if it works for you.

Fine, one more. I got 13 out of 15 on this one. Beat that, you posers.

Next stop, Grateful Blue has a couple interesting posts this week. The first is the Big Ten teams as tunes from the Grateful Dead. Talk about a layup for a link on our site. Next up is an in depth analysis of the 29 (yep, that's no typo) re-issues from Van Morrison's collection.

Wanna see our first attempt at directing a porno? Check out our mash-up from the SI Swimsuit issue over at Epic Carnival. This was actually pretty fun if you're as easily entertained as us.

Have you seen the trailer for Indiana Jones and the Hunt For a Clean Diaper yet?

The Legend of Cecilio Guante celebrate the good old Jordan Jammer. I actually favored the heavy duty version with the metal rim and wooden backboard myself, but the Jordan Jammer was great for indoor action.

This is one of the finest reads in some time. Bill Walton reviewed Will Leitch's new book, God Save the Fan, and provided endless Waltonesque wisdom. In case you don't click the link, I want to make sure you see this part.

As an industrious and enthusiastic group, Leitch and his army of bloggers have succeeded in defining their own rules and their own success, much as we did at UCLA, when we won 88 consecutive games. With Coach Wooden as our poised and confident leader, we were able to achieve competitive greatness. Likewise, the blogosphere -- filled with buckets of self-control, skill and sincerity -- is well on its way to knocking off the traditional media from its perch high atop the mountain of power. Knock them off, bloggers. Knock them off.

I hope he doesn't think that is gonna get him off the hook every year on May 8th and on Jerry's day of passing.

If you haven't caught the parody of Obama's Yes We Can anthem, take a look at John He Is. Well done, folks.



One last little plug; we've officially joined Glide Magazine's Hidden Track crew as a full time member. This is really exciting news as we really like the blog and it's way more fun and far less stressful to just write bits and pieces as you think of them as opposed to coming up with a column every week.

And finally, we'll leave with another Damo pick. This is a smokin' Europe Tour 97 Theme from the Bottom exhibiting a haggard Trey, looking like he just downed about a quarter ounce of mushrooms. And with that, have a good weekend.

www.CruiseApedia.com

by Dan Sullivan

Note from the Editors: Much in the manner Wikipedia operates, CruiseApedia is an interactive weblog that allows readers to submit firsthand information about Tom Cruise. Though our purpose to collect, compress and distribute your experiences with Tom Cruise is manifold, our chief objective is to provide readers with reliable and current information about Mr. Cruise. However, unlike Wikipedia, we do not provide our readers with unbuffered access to the site. Our reason for this is simple: there is an infinite amount of submissions (or “Cruise-isms, as we have come to call them) and a finite amount of space to post them. Mr. Cruise is a very active, energetic and vocal individual and, thus, his encounters with the public are numerous. By providing a direct- link to readers, we run the risk of information overload as well as problems with accuracy-- which brings us to our next point. To forestall less-than-accurate postings, we will print only eye-witnessed accounts (or “ear”-witnessed, as is the case with one of today’s postings) that deal with Mr. Cruise or his family. Furthermore, we take great pains to verify the veracity of your submissions. When direct means are unavailable, we determine the consistency of Cruise-isms by comparing them with those previously authenticated. As a result, we are confident that our postings are, if not scientifically precise, consistent with the spirit and character of what has already been empirically proven about Tom Cruise (via taped interviews, television show appearances, testimonies from previous friends and former spouses, and the exact opposite of whatever his handlers, the Church of Scientology and John Travolta say). Although we subscribe to Ryszard Kapuscinski’s dictum “There is no such thing as the past, only infinite renderings”, we also believe that certain renderings, as it were, are more legitimate than others—thus, the rigorous screening process. And finally, we, the editors of The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes exercise discretion in matters of taste and public disclosure. We feel that some of the more graphic and disturbing information about Mr. Cruise is not best interest of our readers--unless, of course, the public’s safety or health is at risk.

Cruise-ism #21
Date: February 7th, 2008
Veracity Rating: 8.5/10
Submitted by: Anonymous
Notes: The following is an excerpt of a phone call accidentally intercepted and recorded on Anonymous’ voice mail.

Katie Holmes: (Low, throaty sobbing overlaid by searching calls for her mother).

Mrs. Holmes: Sweetie? It’s me, I’m here. What’s wrong? Are you okay?

Katie: Oh, Mom, it’s worse… it’s worse than you and Dad said it would be…. It’s just… just so … Mom, I can’t….

Mrs. Holmes: Honey, what is going on out there? Are you okay?

Katie: I don’t know mom, I mean… Mom, he’s scaring me.

Mrs. Holmes: Where is he [Tom Cruise]? Katie, sweetie, please don’t cry… where is that… man?

Katie: I don’t know… I think he’s in his skin tank or whatever that thing is….

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, listen to me—

Katie Holmes: He’s in his skin tank, in his skin tank, mom…He has a fucking skin tank! Oh, god…

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, where is the baby?

Katie Holmes: What am I going do? Oh, god what am I going to do?

Mrs. Holmes: Listen to me, Katie: where is the baby?

Katie Holmes: I don’t know, mom, I don’t fucking know…. I went to find my pills and, I think someone—I think Esmeralda has her… oh mom, he chews things….

Mrs. Holmes: Sweetie, calm down, please. You need to calm down.

Katie: Mom, he chews things, he chews things….

Mrs. Holmes: He chews—what are you talking about?

Katie: Mom, he chews the baby’s head, Mom, he chews her head, I swear he does, I caught him…. He chews her…

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, what are you talking about?

Katie: Mom, I caught him trying to chew her head and I asked him (sobs)… I asked him ‘what are you doing?’ and he said something about a springy sofa, I think, and then told me that I’d entered ‘The Danger Zone’….

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, I think you should come here for a few days. Get the baby and come home, come home tonight…

Katie: I can’t…(more sobbing) I can’t…

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, you’ve got to. Listen, you’ve got to. You’ve got to get out of there.

Katie: Last night, I woke up to, like, really loud music, like blaring, and I ‘m pretty sure it was Bob Seger and I went downstairs, and he was dancing and sliding around in his underwear, and—

Mrs. Holmes: You said he does that every night….

Katie: I know, but listen, mom (voice getting higher and faster), He was dancing and sliding and wearing like three pairs of Ray Bans, and then when I said, ‘the baby is sleeping’, he started screaming ‘You can’t handle the truth! You can’t handle the truth!’ over and over again…

Mrs. Holmes: Dear God…

Katie: And when I said ‘handle what? What “truth”?’ he ran over to the bar and put on this tiny little vest and said ‘THIS! THIS TRUTH, ICE MAN!’ and starting juggling bottles and making drinks with Bacardi and Absolute…

Mrs. Holmes: Katie, I want you to leave, I want you to leave right now.

Katie: “Mom, there aren’t any drinks that have both Bacardi and Absolute….

Mrs. Holmes: I know, sweetie, I know. But you have to get out of that house.

Katie: I can’t. If I leave, he’ll just send them after me.

Mrs. Holmes: Hold on. I’m going to get your father.

*** End of recorded message***

Cruise-ism #33
Date: February 11th, 2008
Veracity Rating: 9.5/10
Submitted by: Anonymous
Notes: Due to several similar reports, the following Cruise-ism received a relatively high Veracity Rating.

Dispatch: You’ve reached the CruiseApedia hotline. Do you have a Cruise-ism you’d like to report?

Caller: Uh, yeah, I think so. I saw him earlier today at outlet store for exercise equipment.

Dispatch: What was he doing there?

Caller: Well, he was trying to buy a bunch of rowing machines. He wanted like 50, he said.

Dispatch: And where was this outlet store, sir?

Caller: It was way out in the Valley, on Fulton Avenue, by that community college. You know what I’m talking about?

Dispatch: No. But it doesn’t matter. We just need a location for our records. You say he was trying to buy rowing machines?

Caller: No. Well, yes. At first he wanted road bikes—

Dispatch: Bicycles you can ride on the street, you mean.

Caller: Right, those kind of bikes. But this place doesn’t have them and so he was like ‘How about I buy 50 rowing machines’ and the salesman was like ‘yeah, sure, we can do that’.

Dispatch: And then what happened?

Caller: Cruise said he would buy them, but they had to be “street ready”.

Dispatch: “Street ready”?

Caller: Right. Like, ready for the road. So you could row around town with them. The sales guy was like ‘I don’t think we can do that’ and then Cruise was like ‘You can do it and you WILL do it’, kinda like Ben Kenobi in Star Wars, only Cruise was all jumpy and twitchy and way shorter than Peter O’toole.

Dispatch: The actor was Alec Guinness. You say he was jumpy and twitchy? Was he more jumpy and twitchy than usual?

Caller: I don’t know—he’s always like that, isn’t he? Anyway, he said he needed them right away—like today. He said he needed them for his army.

Dispatch: Sir, please hold for a moment.

Caller: What for?

Dispatch: I am going to have to speak with my supervisor.

Caller: Well, that’s all that really happened.

Dispatch: One moment, sir.

--Short Pause--

Supervisor: Hello, sir. I am the shift supervisor for the CruiseApedia Hotline. Can you repeat what you just said?

Caller: He said he wanted fifty rowing machines, “street ready”, and he needed them today for his army.

Supervisor: Was he with anyone?

Caller: Yeah, actually he was. He was with some guy. He kinda looked like a pirate.

Supervisor: A pirate? You mean he had an eye patch?

Caller: Well, yes. But he also had on long boots and gloves and one of those pirate-y shirts. His hat was really big, too.

Supervisor: Did this pirate say anything?

Caller: Not really… No, wait—he did. He asked the salesman about buying trampolines.

Supervisor: Did he say what for?

Caller: No, but Cruise kept telling him that they didn’t need any trampolines. He said… Let me think here for a sec… He said, ‘It would be way better to use wetsuits than make them out of trampolines.’ He kept slapping him on the back, like he was reassuring him of something.

Supervisor: Yeah, Cruise does that a lot.

Caller: Tries to reassure people of things?

Supervisor: Yes, but slaps people on the back a lot, too. Then what happened?

Caller: That’s it. At that point, my girlfriend was getting freaked out and I think Cruise could tell I was listening in, so we split.

Supervisor: Are you sure you are not leaving anything out?

Caller: I think the pirate said something like “wetsuits are shit”, but I’m not sure.

Supervisor: Okay, Mr. Fuller, I’m going to ask you to hold the line for a moment. We could have a situation here.

Caller: Hey—how did you know my name? I didn’t give you my name.

Supervisor: Um, you must’ve given it when you first called.

Caller: I’m outta here.

*** Conversation Terminates at this Point***

Recommendations for Rudy Gay's Dunk

Let’s face facts; there just isn’t much left to do in the dunk contest. What used to be the highlight All-Star weekend is now a bit of a joke. Surely you’ve heard by now that Rudy Gay asked for help this year in trying to think of something new. He posted a YouTube video requesting that fans guide him on dunk recommendations. While we’re sure that the NBA fans will have plenty of great ideas, we’re also sure that we have some better ones. Here ya go, Rudy.

The “Cable Guy” dunk – Isn’t this the most obvious choice for the best dunk ever? Show up dressed as Jim Carrey with wicked short shorts and a headband. The dunk would start with the “don’t want to pull a hammy” warm-up drills and finish with an exact replication of his dunk, by jumping off of Jack Black’s back to bring down the house.

The “He’s Taken Off His Shoes and One of His Socks” Dunk - In an homage to Luke Wilson’s character in the Royal Tennenbaums, Rudy could perform the mental breakdown dunk by sitting midcourt and taking his shoes and socks off with the announcer pondering what the hell is going on. Screw Raleigh Sinclair. I’m not sure how he would finish, but I’d recommend probably just gallop around like a horse in circles and then punt the ball into the nosebleeds. Who gives a shit about winning the dunk contest anyway?

The “Evil Kneivel” Dunk – Good luck getting coach to approve of this, but the crowd will love it. The Evil Kneivel Dunk involves strapping on some roller skates and getting a tow from a motocross rider in full gear from inside the tunnel. Rudy comes burning onto the floor at full speed and launches off of a giant wooden jump to perform a flying roller skate dunk over 15 metal barrels of burning gasoline. Awesome.

The “Mime” Dunk – Hey look at me, this is Rudy in a nutshell. How did Rudy get into this nutshell? This dunk would involve a well rehearsed pantomime act involving Rudy’s challenges of breaking through his nutshell to get to the ball. Fortunately, he would find a small crack in the shell and eventually pry his way out. For a finish, I’d recommend “miming” fake head injury from hitting the rim on the way to the rack complete with a mime trainer and stretcher to really show his range.

The “Enchantment Under the Sea” Dunk – This is a musical dunk. Rudy would jam out to Johnny Be Goode and start jumping off tables, playing screaming air guitar, doing a power slide, and finishing with big Angus Young inspired leg kick dunk. Of course, he would finish by proclaiming to the crowd, “You guys might not be ready for that yet, but your kids are gonna love it.”

The “Taco Bell Chalupa” Dunk – This one could even earn Rudy a little pocket cash for product placement. Rudy could house down a couple Chalupas and then mic his Taco Bell gas for the whole crowd, while acting like is propelling him toward the hoop. Finally, he could let a monster display of flatulence that sends him soaring for a free throw line extended slam.

The “GOAT” Dunk – This dunk is that of pure legend. In fact, some believe it is impossible to pull off the Earl “The GOAT” (Greatest of All Time) Manigault “make change off the top of the backboard” dunk. We doubt Rudy can do it either, but it’s worth a try. Normally, we wouldn’t think Rudy could do it, but we suspect if he wore these he could do anything.

The “Nate Robinson” Dunk (a.k.a., the Jim Rim) – This one is pretty simple. All Rudy has to do is come out in a N Rob jersey and miss 25 consecutive dunks. The real trick here is to get them to rim out back past the half court line. Anyone can miss a dunk, but only a special dunker can miss with the authority of Jim Rim.

Clemens Ain't So Zestfully Clean

It's starting to read like a copy of "US Weekly." America is slowly getting drained into gutter of the Roger Clemens saga. And that begs the greater question...who really gives a shit? Obviously, the noble leaders of this country, as they've seemingly found it important to define themselves by rooting out America's past time. Does somehow proving Clemens actually took steroids really accomplish anything? What evidence can really be deemed as concrete? It's he said/she said, so will we ever really know the truth?

And does our government really have nothing better to do? Yes, a billion questions will continue to surface from this bizarre drama. It's reaching O.J proportions with some truly bizarre sidebar stories. Jesus, Clemens wife took HGH? What the hell is this Nannygate? What, did Clemens badger her? And who the hell keeps medical supplies that are nearly 7 years old? Good lord, this drama is playing out before our very eyes and the state of this country is to engulfed and consumed by the suspense.

Real quick, why the hell would this dude make all this shit up...he'd have to be frickin' insane...right?

Look, I'm not going to lie...I'm just as intrigued as the next guy. We've got "best" buddies presenting essentially damning evidence and key witnesses being coerced. It's got all the makings of great theater. And let's face it, Clemens appears virtually cooked in the court of public opinion, but should he be all surprised by the verdict? Think about what he said in defending himself from the testimony of his buddy Andy Pettite. "He misunderstood me."

Hmm, that's an interesting defense, but what else did he have? That got me thinking that if this was all just some "minor" misunderstanding between buddies...it all makes perfect sense. I mean we've all had those moments. Well, Clemens can use that excuse all the way to hell, because there is certainly no love in this space for the Rocket. And so, count me in for the long haul. I'm dying to see how this plays out...I bet you are as well.

Considering the Turd's idol just happens to be Clemens, I just had to send him a "How does it feel?" email. Hmm, to know that your idol is headed to hell? Clemens is done. His best friend and his wife took HGH from his trainer and admitted it, but Clemens never touched the stuff. Yup.

See you in hell Roger. Keep a seat warm for me.

OK, I won't continue to rap about Clemens...I'll just leave you with this lasting Clemens moment to remember the soon to be fallen legend by...

NCAA Power Ranks: "She's...a BOY!" Edition

Did somebody actually claim this to be the slow season of sports? Who the fuck said that? I'd like to find them and kick them in the---. College Basketball is about as exiting an escape as you can find these days. It's the stretch run, jockeying for position, scraping and fighting to inch closer to the dance. Dick Vitale is back and he's already had to consult the physician for his "cialis boner" over the College Hoops landscape.

And this here space just loves to dish out the gimmicks --or-- ranks as I see fit. Players, fans coaches, boosters, etc...they all want it so bad they can taste it. March Madness is rearing its head around the corner and it's a fight to the death. And who wouldn't "kill" for their team to make a deep run in the dance. For they know it takes a lot, and stabbing somebody in the back to get to the Final is the price most are willing to pay.

In case you couldn't guess by the "movie poster" or the blatant references to murder...this week's "Power Ranks" theme is all about the cult classic "Sleepaway Camp." If you haven't this (1983) timeless horror film...I suggest 'oggling it today and getting yourself properly aligned. In any event, stick with me as I take a look down the College ranks with the backdrop Angela the "she-he" and her/his murderous spree. Are you lost? Good.

The "meet me at the waterfront after the social" Tier: In this memorable scene Paul thinks he's got a cinch piece of ass all locked up. Angela is going to finally be all his and it seems to good to be true. Well, most people know what happened next. I won't spoil it, but my point being...the Top Line in College Hoops is pretty much locked up for the time being. It's almost a done deal, but...we'll just wait and see. For now...

1. Duke - It saddens me to type this sentence, more so than you can imagine, but Duke is the top dog right now. Does it last? I'm still not sold on their size. Besides...you live and die by the three, eventually you die. Yet, for now...they are livin'.

2. Tennessee - They've got the athletes. They've got the sting from that Ohio State loss last year. And they've got a completely insane coach who would suck Pat Summit's cock if it meant winning a National Championship.

3. Kansas - Shake off the loss @ Texas. Losing tough conference games on the road is a part of the College game. Don't be fooled, talent wise...it doesn't get much better.

4. Memphis - These Tigers are stuck here for the remainder of these ranks...unless of course they lose. I just can't picture them as the #1 overall seed (that'll go the winner of the ACC), but they still deserve some pub amongst the elite.

The "I was just thinking...I remember that boy being a pretty damn good swimmer" Tier: Ronnie was trying to explain to the cop that there was more than meets the eye to the situation. A good swimmer doesn't just drown. There was just something missing. Hmm, sound like this level? These are arguably the best teams in the country, but something is missing.

5. UCLA - I stand by my assertion that this is indeed the best team in the country. They don't always play like it, but if they piece it together in March they are going to cut down the nets.

6. North Carolina - You can't win a Championship the way this team plays defense. Excuses will always be made about Lawson, but the real problem is the 5 matadors that stand around and watch the other team coast into the lane.

The "how can it be? My god...she's...a BOY!" Tier: For anyone at all familiar with this film...you know this scene. If you think you've seen the film, but can remember - this is your litmus test. If you haven't seen the film, SPOILER ALERT. The last scene is epic in climatic twists. We find out that Angela is not only the killer, but that she is really a he. And they make sure you know that she has a dong. Long story short, these teams look great at times, but are they hiding something?

7. Indiana - Gordon/White...I'm talking myself into this being one of those "under the radar" teams to sneak into the Final Four.

8. Texas - As long as Augustine is around this team has a shot to get to the Final Four.

9. Stanford - TBD. I'll scout 'em this week for next week's report.

10. Georgetown - This team is gonna let somebody down in March. Heed to the warning or burn your brackets.

11. UCONN - Welcome to the club fellas, it's been a while.

The "she's a real carpenter's dream: flat as a board and in need of a screw!" Tier: Maybe it was comments like these that pushed Angela over the edge. Anyhow, it's real basic...these teams are lacking a little "substance" to their resumes. They're the tweeners.

12. MSU - Despite losing a phenomenal game at Purdue the Spartans are still a tough squad. Now, if Neitzel could ever get it going, like we all know he can get going...argh.

13. Xavier - I couldn't give you one iota of information about this team.

14. Purdue - Talk about a team that has come out of nowhere? Or have they?

The "If she were any quieter she'd be dead!" Tier: Which can best be equated to...the SLEEPERS.

15. Butler - Who? Who? Yup, just can't drop them out of the Power 16.

16. Maryland - How'd they get there? This probably isn't the first time you've heard this, but Maryland is your super-sexy March Madness sleeper. James Gist is the best player in the ACC. And that's coming from the president of the Tyler Hansbrough fan club.

Keeping up with the college vocabulary

Perhaps you graduated from school in 1995 and get your internet through AOL, think Adam Sandler makes funny movies and support the 49ers as if they are still a respectable NFL franchise. Well times have changed, especially in college.

Things have changed so much on college campuses across the country that the lingo isn't even the same. So please, all you ponytail wielders out there, please stop calling us dude and reminiscing about the Smashing Pumpkins. Here's some terms that you should learn so you don't stick out like a Democrat at a tractor pull.

"I'm going to Greek Week it"
A reference that you should pay particular attention to. Don't take a drink from anybody.

"I'm a moderate"
Politics? I thought CNN was a subdivision of the FBI.

"I'm going to watch some D-Channel tonight"
Which is short for Discovery Channel. If you hear a person say that, you can only assume that they are huge Mythbuster fans, meaning that they're probably going to die alone.

"We broke up mutually"
Somebody's girlfriend just changed her Facebook status to single without them knowing, followed by them sending her roughly 80 MySpace messages and making sure that their status was set to "heartbroken" just so it would make her feel bad, followed by them hooking up with the ugliest girl on the block just so he can put the photos on Facebook and make her feel jealous.

"I'm more into just enjoying life, school's just kind of a transition thing"
I party until four in the morning doing considerably dangerous illicit drugs, sleep to four in the afternoon and do the same again the next day. I'll be dead by the time I'm 30, but it's going to be one hell of a ride.

"I like the band Journey"
I was born between 1982-1987.

"She's alright, like a 7"
Is said after eight beers she's more like a 3, meaning that she either has a moustache, unibrow or smells like feces.

"Wanna play some ultimate Frisbee, brah"
Usually said by that guy who's on the residential hall council and is majoring in recreational studies. He is also growing the Yellowstone Park of Pot in his apartment.

"I'm going to see Scotty"
See above. That's him. See Above. That's why they're going to see him.

"Man, last night was rough"
That person ended up waking up in somebody's yard covered in monkey spiders and some girls' number with the name of "Misty."

"That's Donny's a crazy guy, he know's how to party"
Donny has a warrant out for his arrest.

"Turn up the Tom Petty, 'Free Fallin'"
If somebody says this they're drunk, high and not a single girl is paying attention to them.

"I'm thinking about coming to graduate school here"
This person got their undergrad degree at your school five years ago and just keep coming back for the parties. Their liver is the shape of Vietnam.

A Belated Happy Birthday...to US!

That's right, exactly --err-- roughly one year ago, Rupes, myself and few other kind folks stirred around the notion of a blog. What seemed like a comical, overly extensive and yes, even nerdy concept, came to life just a few short days after the Super Bowl one year ago. It all started like anything around here starts, with a hangover and a few emails battering back and forth ideas. Some have come and gone, but Rupes, myself and a few others have stuck around for the ride.

We'll celebrate this birthday like any other birthday, pop'n'bottles. The champagne is on ice and we're 'bout to get our "goose" on. Well, actually it's much less eventful than that. Initially, the plan was to forge our way into the world of screenplays, but that's still to come. The offers have been flooding in... I kid. In any event, if you ever see a sitcom named "Cubicle Chatter" that starts off with the Disco Biscuits "Home Again" as the intro... you know that's a crooked creation production from the Ghosts.

We planned on delivering a fictional "E True Hollywood" story of the Ghosts one year later, but then it dawned on me that nobody is even bothering to read this post. And if you are still reading this far down the line... we thank you. In fact, we thank all the good folks we've met in this bubble thingy called the 'sphere. And lastly we thank the loyal readers that have stuck out our quirky, weird, stupid, half-assed, drunk, semi-serious, bitter, sarcastic, strange, etc... way of writing.

Here's to another year in front of us, making big things happen. And lastly...oh yes, a big Happy "Fucking" Birthday to US!!!

Bad Commercials from Some of the Greats

Like any kid who grew up a huge sportscard fanatic, there was always a list of old athletes that struck a chord with me. I never saw a lot of these guys play, but always really liked them, probably because I had a good card of theirs or read one of those 80 page biographies in my elementary school library. Anyway, after surfing through Youtube for some of my old faves, I found a whole slew of really awful commercials.
Enjoy.

Johnny Bench - 1970 Gillette Razor Commercial



Brooks Robinson - 1970 Independent Insurance



Pete Rose - Aqua Velva: Smell Like A Man



Roger Staubach: Don't Hide Behind the Curtain of Drugs



Ozzie Smith - Atari XE



Ernie Banks: Terrible Field of Dreams Parody

GoWF For President in 2008

I forgot to tell you. I’m running for president. Don’t worry, you can still vote for me as a write in November. I’m not a huge fan of partisan politics anyway, so I’ll probably team up with Bloomberg as a late round independent entrant. Here is my platform. Actually, I’m about 6’2”, so I don’t really need a platform, but here are some of my campaign initiatives.

Flying cars. We were supposed to have flying cars whizzing around 8 years ago. I will make this happen as my first order of business.

All cell phones with include swear words in the T9 function for typing text messages.

Seafood Gumbo will be served three times a day for free. Not only does this provide the nation with a delicious palette of colorful flavor bursts, but also the government subsidies will be a boon for the New Orleans economy.

We will initiate a television channel dedicated entirely to Different Strokes, Webster, Silver Spoons, and Duck Tales reruns.

The standard workweek will consist of 4 ten-hour days all employees will be required by law to take 2 two-week vacations per year.

All Mexican restaurants will be required to serve green chile sauce.

Employers will be urged to encourage 3 pm naps on the job.

The Super Bowl will be moved to Saturday night.

Tailgating will be legal on all college campuses and not only will beer be served in the stadiums, it will be dirt-cheap.

Religious propaganda will be banned forever.

Likewise, telemarketing will also be banned forever and punishable by lethal injection.

All concert and sporting event tickets will be capped at 35 bucks.

We will fund a NASA subsidiary will the sole mandate of inventing a working time machine.

Fat will be the new skinny.

In a gift of our deepest gratitude for years as our closest ally; Boston will be gifted to Canada.

Open Letter to Ganden Thurman

by Dan Sullivan

Dear Ganden Thurman,

Shortly after your sister Uma split up with Ethan Hawke, you told reporters “the next time I see that guy, I’m going to kill him”. I realize that it’s been almost five years ago since you’ve made those comments and it’s possible that you’ve curbed some of those violent fantasies by now, but in case you haven’t…

Are you still interested in fucking him up?

The reason I ask is, I hate him a shitload, too. And I would love to kick the crap out of him. True, my hatred doesn’t run as deep as yours (He wasn’t part of my family, and he didn’t have sex with my sister, I did, however, see “Hamlet”.), but I probably rank pretty high up on his list of detractors, right after you, Uma, your parents, his parents, all of his previous co-stars, the people he went to high school with, the high school itself (and yes, I mean the actual building) and every studio executive that cast him in a movie.

I know this seems kinda far-fetched, but I do have a plan, one that has been in the works since I got fired for “being aggressive with customers” (my boss’ words) and “selling and distributing cocaine” (the arresting officer’s words) at this cool coffee shop in Chelsea. This place has one of those underground storage rooms that you enter from the street that are perfect for storing non-perishable supplies, or gimps.

Well, it just so happens that I still have a key to this place. I say we drive over to that wanker’s apartment, throw him in a sleeping bag, and then take him to the storage room and beat the crap out of him. I figure we could pound on him for at least 3 days before anyone felt compelled to file a missing person’s report. The place is virtually sound-proof and seldom used (I know, because me and Kirsten Dunst’s cousin worked over Tobey McGuire down there last spring, unimpeded). The key is, we have get the sleeping bag on him while he’s preoccupied--like when he’s talking to his goatee or practicing his smoking--so there’s no way he’ll be able to identify us when we eventually let him go or sell him to Scientologists. And even if we do get busted, we’ll just remind the cops that he’s the homo who ruined Training Day and we’re home free.

So, what do you think? Pretty sweet, huh? We’d be crazy not to do it. I have a van, a sleeping bag and a ton of beef jerky for when we get hungry, so you don’t need to worry about a thing—just show up with some heavy boots and maybe a croquet mallet or two.

Man, I can’t even begin to imagine what it must’ve been like to be related to that guy. What was worse: thinking about hanging out with him or actually doing it? Probably actually hanging out with him, but I bet thinking about it was almost as bad. When he wasn’t around, you’d probably wallow in helplessness and despair, agonizing over the next time he stopped by. How chilling it must have been every time your doorbell rang and how good you got at remaining totally silent until he went away…

Just curious: who hated him more--your dad or mom? I bet your dad did. Moms can be pretty forgiving.

Going to his movies probably sucked a lot, too. You’d have to go to the premiere, put on nice clothes and smile a lot. And people would yell stuff like “Hey, Ethan’s brother-in-law—you suck!”Or you’d get hit on the head when people tried to drop bars of soap on him from the balcony, or books on acting. And then when then movie was over, you’d have to think something nice to say, like tell him how cool he looked in his cape, or how convincing he was in that scene where he cried for twenty straight minutes.

I might bring some nylon weave rope and an anvil to the beating. Your thoughts?

Did he make you watch all of his movies, or just the ones he made after he married your sister? Probably all of them. He’d be like “Ganden, Bra, have you seen ‘American Backpacker’? It’s about me backpacking around Spain in the ‘90s”, and you’d be like “Yeah, you made we watch it the last time you stopped over, unannounced. “

What a total D-Bag. Listening to him talk about movies was probably worse than watching them, huh? You’d be stuck with him at some bar, waiting around for your real friends to show up, and he’d be like “Man, movie critics don’t know what they’re talking about. ‘White Fang’ was a great film”. He’d never say movie, either—it’s always ‘film’. “Actually, I have two films opening at Sundance, not one.” And he’d use tons of jargon and pompous terms like ‘narrative arc’ and ‘aspect ratio’. “Although most people failed to make the connection, the narrative arc of my character in ‘Gattaga’ mirrored that of Orson Wells’ in ‘Citizen Cane’.” God, what a loser.

I was wondering about the timing of this whole thing. Will it be hard for you to get a couple of days off from work, or should we just make this a weekend thing?

What about the holidays--the worst, right? He’d probably bring along some drippy brother who’s just like him, named Monte or something. And he’s all pissed because he’s not in movies even though he’s basically the same as douche-y Ethan. Jeez, I honestly couldn’t think of a worse way to spend Thanksgiving than have Ethan and Monte Hawke at my house. I bet they would both get all righteous and say stupid shit like “Americans don’t know how lucky they are”, and “While we feed our faces, the undeveloped world is dying from starvation”. How often did they use the phrase “under our very noses”? Oh wait, I know—a lot. And what about all the noble promises they’d make, the ones that unfortunately never came true.

Famous Douche Bag: “I’m going to Malawi, for about six months and, like, totally help out”.

Anonymous Douche Bag: “Dude, you can’t. You’ve got a movie to shoot in a month.”

FDB: “Whatever, man. I can totally postpone it.”

ADB: “Yeah, right. Who do you think you are—Tom Cruise?”

FDB: “Tom Cruise sucks.”

ADB: “No, you suck.”

FDB: “No, you suck!”

Well, Ganden, this should be pretty sweet for both of us. You get to avenge your sister and I finally get to pay him back for all the times I had to watch “Dead Poets Society” in English class. I guess, just to be safe, we should set some parameters on how bad we can hurt him; otherwise we might get caught up in the moment and totally kill him.

Looking forward to working with you.

In Strength,

Dan

PS – on second thought, let’s scratch the whole “set some parameters” idea and just see where the beating takes us, okay?

Sports World Tombstones

The sports world is like an ecosystem; full of living organisms functioning together in a battle of survival of the fittest. And just like an ecosystem, sometimes these living things die. What are we getting at here? Who knows, but here are some tombstones of those aforementioned things that died.

- Here lies the overabundance of "Greatest quarterback ever" diatribes from mainstream media commentators. "Greatest quarterback ever" diatribes suffered from a lack of oxygen after Brett Favre, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning all choked in the 07-08 playoffs. "Greatest quarterback ever" diatribes are survived by "Eli turned the corner" diatribes.

- Here lies the Miami Heat's contention in the NBA Eastern conference. The Heat initially suffered from a slow aging process brought on by poor diet and lack of conditioning, which intensified when a very risky transplant backfired. The Miami Heat are survived by the Orlando Magic who are taking over the throne as the lone interesting sports team in all of Florida - college or pro.

- Here lies Brady Quinn jokes. Brady Quinn jokes died after Quinn shaved his head and lost the competition for starting QB. Brady is survived by Derek Anderson who is probably a lot better than Quinn will ever be - unless of course that muscle milk Quinn has been pedaling really works.

- Here lies Ben Wallace's intimidation factor. Ben Wallace's intimidation factor died from generalized apathy and exhaustion. Wallace is survived by his estranged kid brother, Bambale Osby.

- Here lies Kelly Tilghman's career. Tilghman's career was knifed and slashed into small pieces by the media after she made a big boo boo on the air. She told a joke. Tilghman's career will be survived by a pseudo-career covering the PGA over-80 tour and celebrity gold outings where the guy from Las Vegas is the biggest star.

- Here lies Roger Clemens' reputation. Roger Clemens reputation was killed in a blitzkrieg sting operation. While Clemens has ample opportunity to defend himself against rebel troops, Clemens ultimately found himself a prisoner of war. Despite torturous tactics, Clemens repeatedly lied on the polygraph test. Thus, the enemies did offed him. Clemens is survived by Andy Pettite, who easily averted the offensive.

- Here lies Eddy Curry's size 40s. Eddy Curry's size 40s died after a tragic bout with KFC gas. It turned out to be more than gas. Eddy's size 40s are survived by a pair of 42s and a 5 for $6 Beef and Cheddar special from Arby's.

- Here lies Who's Now. After a reported surrender, an unruly group of sports bloggers went and murdered it anyway. It was so bad that they decided they couldn't risk it. Who's Now is likely survived by a non-stop feature with several hours a day of quirky sports bits featuring my arch nemesis, Jason Krause - wearing a spiffy suit of course and pretending he knows about Joe Namath.

- Here lies Rich Rodriguez's sleep. Rich Rodriguez's sleep - along with most Michigan, Ohio State, Oregon and Penn State fans' sleep - got slashed to death when Terrelle Pryor delayed his signing until who knows when. Rich Rodriguez's sleep is survived by Joe Paterno's Cialis boner.

Diary of a Madman: UNC/Duke "LIVE"

8:57 AM - Not many events get me this distracted, this psyched, this loopy, this eager at this age. However, rest assured North Carolina vs. Duke is one of the few, if only. And I can understand those who find this to be just another Red Sox/Yankees rivalry machine that was once great, but has since become a watered down media induced event. We can thank ESPN for that one, but let's not take it out on the rivalry itself. You don't need my drumroll or my wisdom...this game is what it is.

And that's why it's barely nine in the morning on the west coast and I already opened the vine on the "LIVE" blogging experience. Just to state the obvious, my allegiance weighs heavy with North Carolina. Hang in there folks...only about 6 more hours until tip-off. Go to HELL Duke!!!

10:52 AM - I'm not gonna lie, this whole notion of Ty Lawson scares the shit out of me. Carolina is an average team at best without him. They haven't been all that "impressive" as of late even with him. However, Q Thomas can certainly not handle the pressure. Shit; why does this happen when they play Duke? Lawson is the key to their National Championship hopes, so burning him down for this game...isn't a great idea. Fuck Paulus.

12:15 PM - I've been trying to contemplate why everyone hates Duke so much and then it just dawned on me. Erik "fucking" Meek, case and point of why people make youtubes "this why Duke sucks" or people write fake journals about J.J Redick. It's just the nature of the beast in all of us to poke fun at such easy targets and trust me...it's not out of jealousy. And funny I should bring up Meek's name as he stands out like a sore thumb. The reason "we" and I mean you and I pick on a guy like Meek is simply for the fact that he is/was a 7 foot doofus that we always questioned as to how he got a scholarship.

Well, that sheds light on my fondest memory of Carolina/Duke. And that was when Rasheed Wallace followed home a dunk over Meek and Cherokee Parks. Accurate reports insist that Wallace told Meek after that dunk that as long as he and Stack were around Chapel Hill, Duke would never beat them.

3:43 PM - I actually scribbled this jargon on a post it note at the office (hence the slight delay). That was in-between my 2nd afternoon cup of coffee. Of course, if the natural nerves weren't enough why not sprinkle some caffeine on the mess? Well, needless to say...I got a call and text messages from a few buddies wanting me to joint them for a few adult soda's to watch the game. My preference, as always is to watch alone. Do I really need to amidst a sea of jackasses while white knuckled and refraining from Coach K on the TV screen. I've done it before and it friggin' hurts, but at least I got a healthy supply of vicodin. Later.

5:21 PM - I picked up a 40 ounce from the store. I'm going to time myself and see how fast I can chug this fucking thing. First things first, I've got to tend to the pooch. She gets a long walk and that should help calm my nerves. I'm not bothering to turn on ESPN right now, because I can't stand seeing that stupid Jeff Capel shot. Do you know the funny thing about that shot is that most people think that was for the win...right? Well, that only sent the game into OT and Duke fucking lost. Back in a few.

6:02 - Worthy to note, this whole thing is going off PST. Thanks. Welcome back, Dickie V. Never thought I'd utter those words.

6:05 - "Q" sighting...and I'm fucking nervous. Let's roll this thing already.

6:06 - Danny Green is dancing...nerves. Paulus...fuck.

6:07 - Hansbrough is on ACID tonight. He's fucking insane.

6:09 - Sit down rat.

6:13 - We're about 4 minutes in, both teams are running on nerves and adrenaline. Danny Green shows a moster block on Nelson, but probably snuck away with a no-call. For whatever reason, Singler is wide open in the corner for a triple. Oh wait, I know why, because "K" is gonna force Hansbrough to guard him on the perimeter. Hence, Singler has an advantage. Clearly Duke is going to back away everytime Hansbrough touches it on offense. We could see a Sean May type night. 20/20 vision. Hmm? Commercial break.

6:15 - This is harder than it looks. You know...live blogging.

6:15 - Excellent point from Mike Patrick, Duke can't rebound against Carolina. Limit the turnovers and this becomes a no-brainer. On cue -- triple.

6:21 - 18-18 at the commercial.

6:23 - I had to take a phone call...hence the lapse. And oddly enough it had nothing to do with this basketball game. Quick observation; DON'T TURN THE BALL OVER! Duke can't win this game if Carolina holds onto the fucking pill.

6:27 - The first official, "I'd kick Scheyer's ass" call of the night.

6:28 - Duke is locked in behind the arc. Of course, every shot is un-contested. That's simply not gonna last. Get a hand in their face. They are NOT going to shoot 70% from deep all night. Mark that.

6:29 - First Dickie V excuse for Lawson. I'm not going there...yet.

6:31 - Duke had better have some fresh bodies, because the fouls WILL be a factor.

6:35 - Free-throws. Carolina can't hit them.

6:36 - "Q" just picked up a tick tack. Followed up by Ellington missing a wide open triple and then Danny Green goes for the under cut. Geez. Things aren't going Carolina's way...at the moment.

6:37 - STOP TURNING THE BALL OVER. The wheels are coming off.

6:38 - Carolina doesn't have anybody who can handle the ball. Hence, they've turned it over to Ginyard. Not that I'm gonna milk the Lawson injury.

6:40 - Duke isn't tough...they're just douche bags.

6:45 - Carolina needs to get the ball into Hansbrough...if that's not stating the obvious. Unfortunately, it simply doesn't look as though they have any possible way to do that. Again, I'm not making the Lawson excuse, but...things could be different. The problem with Ginyard and "Q" in at the same time is the liability on offense. Neither, is much of a scorer. As long as Carolina can shave the lead to 4-6 at the half...they could very well win the game. As it is, Duke is setting the pace of the game and have everything clicking.

6:47 - I'm now going to time myself on how fast I can drink a fifth of Grey Goose.

6:48 - Does this game even count? There is always March.

6:49 - We're at the 2:00 minute time-out and I'll keep attempting to talk myself into this, but if they can keep this thing under double digits going into the half - they can win. Of course, I;m just talking out loud.

6:51 - FUCK Paulus; I'd rather fight Quinten Thomas.

6:53 - Gerald Henderson IS the best athlete "K" has ever had.

6:55 - OK, I just did a whippet. I feel revived and Carolina has cut the lead back down to "3." Hansbrough is en route to a MONSTER game. It's half-time and I'm going on a break. In case you don't want to scroll through useless rants and rambling from above I'll sum it up here. Duke made threes, Carolina turned the ball over. Bottom line. Fuck stick Bilas is breaking it down for you on ESPN right now. Enjoy. Hang tight.

6:57 - UPDATE: Ok, so I "accidently" turned off "comments"...I'm 30, but I never admitted to being mature. The comment room is open again, feel free to call me an ass.

7:10 - We're off...operation feed Hansbrough. WOW, "Q"!!!

7:14 - The perimeter...is wide open. Duke is bleeding the arc.

7:16 - The ghost of Derrick Phelps has taken over the body of Quinten Thomas.

7:18 - COUNT THE BUCKET!!! A nice tip-and-1 from Ellington. And that's FOUR fouls on Nelson.

7:20 - Just because Rupes is reading...completely off subject, but the scrolling ESPN ticker just made note that Michigan had "0" top 50 recruits in Football. Sorry. Commercial break.

7:22 - This should be a window for Carolina to go on a little spurt. Nelson is riding pine and Duke should cool off from the arc...we should hope. If ever there as a run in Carolina...it's gotta come now. Hang tight.

7:24 - How can Scheyer take anybody on the baseline?

7:26 - Stevenson is really not any good.

7:27 - Umm, when is the last time Hansbrough touched the ball? Carolina continues to suffer for not getting him the ball.

7:30 - I give up. Another turnover. Yet, I will not use Lawson as a crutch.

7:35 - Patrick and Vitale will continue to tell you "WHAT A BALLGAME!" However, this is hardly a GREAT game. Duke has been in control the entire game. Carolina has never had any flow nor been able to impose any will. It's been all Duke and the more I hear it, the more it sickens me. Until, we get some back and forth action...this is hardly a game. Nice bucket Tyler. Commercial.

7:38 - Of note, I have the OVER.

7:41 - Ellington FINALLY hits a bucket. And he has just been served with ballbag from Dickie V.

7:42 - Ok, Henderson and Nelson have 4 fouls and there again lies the window. The next 2-3 minutes will dictate how much Carolina has in the tank. If they are going to mount in sort of a comeback...it's going to have to take place right now. And I know I just said that 5 minutes ago, but I'm not ready to hang it up...yet.

7:44 - That might be the booze talking.

7:47 - FUCK. Can they miss? Live by the three...DIE by the three. And die they will in March.

7:49 - Considering the disparity in triples...argh.

7:51 - No Lawson, when do they play again. Yada-yada.

7:52 - Puss chops call on big Puss Thompson.

7:56 - Signing off...I'm going to the bar. This game is over, until next time. Lawson will be back.

Terrelle Pump Fakes

We saw this coming, but it doesn't make it any less of let down. Terrelle Pryor isn't declaring today. Since this is the information age and all, it's only fitting that we find out the important news as to whether or not he is signing today in a text.

"No, I'm not," Pryor replied in a text message to the AP.

Rivals has a video with Pryor explaining his decision to royally piss of fans of Michigan, PSU and OSU. I don't really feel like watching it personally, because I've been waiting for months for this day and I'm mad. We assume he is probably debating between the infinite number of hot, easy lays in Columbus versus the intellectual stimulation the 9,000 4'5" Asian girls at Michigan will provide. Go for the Yellow Fever, TP.

NCAA Power Ranks: "The Dude Abides" Edition

Like we always do about this time...it's the NCAA Power Ranks. And just because you're locked in and already know what the coaches and AP poll's say, don't fret. I eat, sleep and shit college basketball and that's why every week I deliver the state of the nation, as I see it fit in College Hoops. There is no unique formula, rather simple observation and thus, I compose my own friggin' ranks. Take it or leave it.

That's fine though, if you want to watch the "Hansbrough/Henderson" incident on loop on "youtube" at your pathetic little cubicle...be my guest. Worthy to note, I will be live blogging the Duke/North Carolina game tonight. Moving on...

Anyhow, I or should I say "we" as in the royal "we" always like to throw a wrench in the system. That's right, a ranking system is just a boring list of teams. Why not have some sort of a theme to this shit? And that's why I'm tossing around catch phrases from the "Big Lebowski" and correlating them to my high tech tiered system. What the hell am I talking about you might ask? Well, seriously they peed on your fucking rug...dude.

On with the ringer...err---ranks.

The Dude Abides Tier: The coolest of the cool. The most composed squads in the land. Nothing seems to phase this group. They are at utter piece with who they are and know just where they are going. The Dude muttered this phrase to the cowboy at the very end when peace had finally resolved back into his life. And yup, these teams are the favorites to find "peace" in April.

1. UCLA – The early season struggles can all be attributed to injuries. When at full strength they are literally, murdering opponents. And it’s an art form; lock down defense, experience, hunger, solid role guys…this team is #1 until further notice.

2. Kansas – No need to fret about a tough conference loss on the road. This team is still loaded with NBA talent and is still learning how to concoct a recipe for March success.

Phone's ringing, Dude Tier: Yup, the phone is ringing and these teams still have have some answers to give.

3. Duke – The ranks and the record doesn’t lie; Duke is good. However, are they masking something? We’ll learn more about Duke’s order in the ranks tonight at Chapel Hill.

4. Memphis – You almost wish they stumbled against UTEP. Regardless if and when they run the table…they will still merely be the 4th overall #1 seed.

5. Georgetown – The Big East ain’t looking so shaky anymore and these guys just keep winning or sneaking out tough games on the road.

They peed on your fucking rug Tier: These teams go up, they go down. They are pushing for respect and need a solid statement win to prove their case. You're pushed to wall, push back...

6. Tennessee – They’ve got the thoroughbreds, but what happens when the tempo isn’t to their liking? What happens when the “3-Ball” isn’t dropping?

7. North Carolina – Do they have the killer instinct? I’m not sure. What I do know is they are barely a Top 10 without Ty Lawson.

Donny, you're out of your element Tier: These teams want to piss with the big boys, but on numerous occassions they proven to be...out of their element.

8. Butler – Adam Graves is creepy looking.

9. Michigan State – Inconsistency is starting to eat this team alive. Neitzel is finally warming up, just in time for the freshmen to hit a wall.

10. Wisconsin – Yes, I know they are currently carrying the Big 10, but until I get a roster sheet…I won’t believe.

11. Stanford – The Lopez brothers have arrived onto the scene…Finally.

Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude Tier: These teams might have a few kinks in the armor, but they are sticking around and will make an impact on March.

12. Drake – Who the hell are these guys?

13. Indiana – The Hoosiers and Spartans square off on Feb. 16th. It’ll be sink or swim for one of those two teams.

14. Texas – They are going to linger all season like a stale fart, but just aren’t quite good enough…this year.

15. Xavier – Hmm.

I am the Walrus Tier: A question mark in and of itself.

16. Connecticut – Hall-of-Fame coach plus a hungry team that is eager for respect = the hottest team around. And that’s why they make the cut.

Ok, here is your clip, remember...live BLOG of the Carolina/Duke game.

The "Ocho Cinco" Sweepstakes

Ah yes, another flamboyant WR is demanding a trade in the NFL. And to the chagrin of nobody, the agent behind the whole coop is Drew Rosenhaus. Let the critics warm the coals and set the fire to any respectability Chad Johnson ever had. However, we should all take a deep breath and not be too quick to stick the knife in #85.

OK, I'm not gonna lie...I really dig #85. Dude has always been one of my favorite WR's and not just because I go out of my way every single year to draft him in the first or 2nd round of my Fantasy draft. Honestly, are we gonna split heirs here? The guy is pretty damn fun and he's also pretty damn good. Most will pronounce we have another pre-Madonna raising a stink, but that's simply wrong.

Yet, there's no reason to argue the side of "he said/she said." Rather, why not throw some darts at the board and see just what might be a GOOD fit for the man known as "Ocho Cinco." Is a trade a reality? I'd say...yes. And here is a quick look, sprinkled with an attempt at analysis as to where #85 could or should land.

From the obvious department...

Philadelphia Eagles – It's no secret that the Iggles are in dire need of a legitimate WR to spread the field. Any Iggles fan will tell you, they may not have enjoyed T.O, but they sure as hell miss the guy on the field. McNabb gets roasted for just not “being good enough” yet he’s had to work with mediocre WR’s his whole career. Funny how Tom Brady finally got an elite set of hands and had his finest season ever. Imagine moving Kevin Curtis to the slot with Chad Johnson and Reggie Brown on the outsides. Hmm…are we onto something?

Jacksonville Jags – This might just be the best fit on the board. A young upcoming team, with a solid culture, tough nosed coach, solid defense, gifted QB, hopes and title aspirations. It almost seems too perfect of a scenario. Really, all the Jags need is a solid deep threat who can make plays. Would that be enough to push them past the Colts or Pats? On second thought, why in the hell would the Bungals trade him to an AFC Rival?

Tennessee Titans – On similar terms as the Jags in the needs department. However, you've got to question if he'd be able to bond with Vince Young. In other words, you have to question whether or not Vince Young could throw the ball to him. And considering the Titans provide solid competition in the playoff chase with the Bungals...you have to think twice.

Minnesota Vikings – AP and Ocho Cinco? Wow, but that leaves a boatload of expectations bestowed upon Tavaris Jackson. Then again, Jackson can always hide behind the play action pass.

Miami Dolphins – Nothing would say "FU" more than sending #85 back to his home town of Miami. Of course, it would essentially be a living hell for Chad to survive in an almost void of talent. Then again, the Bungals get to stick it to him just one last time.

Interesting proposition, but it’ll never happen…

St. Louis Rams – This would sure make an intriguing story line with the aging Isaac Bruce, the one-hit-wonder Drew Bennett and a slowing Torry Holt. Imagine Chad Johnson revitalizing the greatest show on turf. Of course, considering the line is a joke and Bulger can’t stay healthy…this one really is a dream.

San Francisco 49ers – Um, he actually needs a QB that can throw him the ball. So, let’s give this idea a wide birth.

Washington Redskins – Considering Daniel Snyder loves to collect big name assets and big name contracts…this all makes sense. Besides, the midget WR’s of the Redskins are way too hit or miss. Jason Campbell is developing into a fine young QB and what better weapon than to arm him with Ocho Cinco and Santana Moss on the wings?

Now, that’s just funny…

Chicago Bears – They’ve got enough problems outside of adding a flamboyant WR.

New England Patriots – Greed and gluttony is good.

Oakland Raiders – Speaking of delivering a big “middle finger” to Chad…here you go.

10 Sweet Career Moves For Bobby Knight

Upon hearing the news that college hoops icon, Bob Knight, was hanging it up, we couldn't help but wonder what's next for everyone's favorite rageaholic. We can only assume he'll end up back courtside, but in the meantime we have a few suggestions for career changes.

10) Pro Bowler

9) Start a real estate management company that specializes in evicting really old friendly poor people on rent control.

8) Apathetic help desk guy at Turbo Tax who is too busy cleaning corned beef juice off his tie and chewing to properly service calls and replies to most inquiries with, "Have you tried rebooting?"

7) Angry cop on his last day before retirement who really doesn't want to take the case, but decides at the last minute he can crack it wide open in the 4 hours before the retirement party and inevitably gets tangled in a mess of retirony.

6) Loose cannon Wall Street Bond Trader who hasn't made money since the 1980's, but still yells at all the young hot shots who don't know how it used to be.

5) Alcoholic Pats fan with giant veins protruding from his forehead who tried to start shit with everyone in a Giants bar, only nobody can even understand him, because he has so much spit swishing around in his mouth.

4) Author of new book, "Changing Careers Is Easy: 25 Sure Fire Nigger Jokes Guaranteed to Get You Fired."

3) Assistant High School football coach who never played football, but leads inspired calisthenics.

2) Rape Counselor.

1) Voice-over actor for the lead role in the upcoming animated film short, Ow, My Turd Has Sharp Peanuts.

What to do now that football is gone?

Need some ideas for viewing material? Brandon Hansen is back with more sage wisdom.

That was one heck of an ending to the season; the chance that Eli Manning would be the one holding up the Lombardi trophy has to be one of the most improbable occurrences in professional sports. That, and David Wells fitting into a baseball uniform.

However, until training camp starts kicking up again, we’re going to be going into a very long drought without the National Football League. How are we going to get our football fix? One could turn to the Arena Football League, but they’d have to share their seats with wrestling fans that still live with their mom.

There’s the upstart All-American football league, but does anyone really want to have flashbacks of the XFL?

What football fans have to do is stay resilient and strong, not breaking down to withdrawals. Here’s a couple of things they could do to pass the time.

Start a franchise on Madden and play every single game

That includes preseason games, mini-camp drills and the Pro Bowl. Yes, the Pro Bowl. Which is still going on next week, but nobody really cares because its holds about as much athletic integrity as basketball game being refereed by Tim Donaghy. You should get done with the 30 season limit by the time real football starts up again.

Watch Australian football

The people down under invented their own type of football and unlike soccer, it’s actually interesting to watch. Their scoring system makes no sense and the refs make funny hand signals that resemble that of arm spasms, but other than that it’s all gravy.

Go on a Samuel Jackson movie marathon

That should definitely tide you over until the preseason.

Go outside

We know your fantasy football league was a lot of work and you had to stay up to date with all the latest deals and transactions, but for the love of god, go outside and get some sun. You haven’t been outside since you got that 1985 Chicago Bears championship t-shirt.

Write hate mail to Skip Bayless

That way he gets 200,000 items of hate mail instead of the usual 150,000.

Try to figure out how the Raiders can win the Super Bowl

This may take a lifetime, but at least it will keep your mind occupied.

Watch “The Replacements”

This movie is guaranteed to ruin any enthusiasm you had for professional football and sports in general. Thanks Keanu.

Watch college basketball and pretend it has a bowl system instead of the NCAA Tournament

It might be more fun than watching college bowl football games this season. To add in another wrinkle, pretend that the NCAA would play these bowl basketball games outside like the NHL did for the winter classic. Trying to size up whether Duke would play better in the snow or not would be an interesting thought.

Just enjoy the fact that the Patriots went 18-1

I don’t think this will wear off before training camp.

Talkin' 'Bout Terrelle

The guys over at Waiting for Next Year rapped with Sir Brian Cook about the future of Michigan Football with or without Terrelle Pryor. One more day until he signs... or doesn't.

I think I'm a little more optimistic than Brian, but more than anything, I'm starting to get sick of the games. Hanging out with Charlie Batch, taking pictures in a gay white suit by a Corvette, and possibly delaying signing past signing day. This is more drawn out than waiting for Charlie to die on Lost. It's called signing day for a reason. Don't be a truant.

Dear Mr. Dumars

Dear Mister Dumars,

My name is Rupert and I am 5. I like Bambale Osby becuz he is good. I used to like Ben Wallace the most but now he sucks. I wish that you will draft Bambale Osby this draft becuz he is like Ben Wallace. He can get many more rebounds block shots and scare the other teams. Osby's best thing is his dunks. He looks like Ben Wallace to but only when he was good not now becuz he sucks. I think he shud be avalable for the Piston's draft pick in the first round so pick Osby. He is so cool. In this letter is his picture so you don't forget.


Thanks Mister Dumars. Keep playing world champion Piston defense.

Rupert

The "Post" Super Bowl Headlines...You Probably Won't Read!

What a Super Bowl? Well, what a 4th quarter is more like it. Are you still shocked with what went down? How it happened? Eli? WTF? And how friggin' good was Tom Petty? Are you still hung-over, cause I might be. Let's face it, I can lobby to all the powers that be, but nobody is ever gonna listen to my request for the day after Super Bowl the first two days of March Madness as National Holiday's. It's just not happening, but I'll never give up my crusade.

Anyhow, the long, long week of Super Bowl is media saturated bucket of popcorn with extra butter. Every story, every angle, every quote, every sneeze, etc...gets press and hence a moment to bask in the sunshine. However, once midnight strikes on Sunday night...most MSM/Bloggers are scurrying to piece together a quick summary of what they witnessed amidst booze and bad food. There is always a few wrenches thrown out there for the day after the Super Bowl press, but based on my condition...I simply couldn't muster the effort to shed my useless thoughts. Not that you were gonna read them anyway?

Now, with that all said...it sure didn't mean I couldn't "fictitiously" scour the back beat pages for the Headlines that most folks may not have seen. Yup, get your reading glasses out and sober up these are the headlines that grab you by the balls and make you say "that's bullshit." And then at the end of this post if your gullible enough to not read into sarcasm...you check yourself in. And with that, let's fucking roll...

Belichick files lawsuit against Satan for breach of contract.

Tiki seeks ring from Giants organization.

Tiki holds Super Bowl party hostage.

Cooper and Gisele?

Brady uses ankle as excuse for "average" game.

Patriots still own the patent on 19-0.

Giants accused of filming Patriots walkthrough.

Seau admits he used HGH, thus proving it doesn't help that much.

Harrison admits he hooked Seau up with HGH.

Seau to retire as a Patriot.

Bruschi = heart broken.

Plaxico and Moss, score nuggets in Tempe.

Strahan admits he slept with Tiki.

Boston fans once again come up short and continue to be long starved for a Championship.

Cooper Manning vows to win a Super Bowl next season.

Eli vows to make more commercials than Peyton next season.

Peyton obliges to the family commercial challenge.

ESPN's Bill Simmons denied entry to Jeff Feagles after party.

Ryan Seacrest still gay, stains Super Bowl coverage.

Football gone until the fall, fans severely depressed.

I Think That This Exact Thing Happened To Me... Just Last Year.

Some things never change. The following post was actually my very first blog post here on GoWF last year. Yep, we're turning one this week, but the birthday is technically February 6. Anyway, this pretty much sums up exactly how I feel right now... again. This goes out to our niggas who been down since day 1.

To Whom It May Concern,

I hope you find joy in knowing that I will be fighting off vomit all day today. Already this morning, I nearly went into the bathroom on the Metro North train to throw up, which as you may or may not know, is arguably the most disgusting environment on the planet. Now I am faced with a lousy team meeting in 35 minutes in which various people will discuss action items for the week. Meanwhile, I will concentrate on not breathing through my mouth, so nobody will smell the gross scent of a random mixture of flavors, most notably stale beer, chicken wings, prosciutto, Chinese dumplings, and cheese. If you can’t already tell, I am really angry right now. This happens every year and I’m so fed up. Sure, I could learn my lesson, but I rather not and it’s time to put a stop to the pure stupidity of this my greatest grievance. Why does the blasted Super Bowl have to be on a Sunday? Curses.

If you can tell me one single good reason why this is a good idea, then I will give up on my annual tirade, but I have thought this through in depth and there is not even one. Let’s think about it. Perhaps you are worried about the ratings? Dumb. It’s Super Bowl. Do you really think if you put it on Saturday night, people would actually decide not to watch it? On the contrary, this would likely increase viewing as religious weirdos across the globe could tune in, who might otherwise be doing some weird religious crap on Sundays.

Or maybe it’s that Super Bowl Sunday is a time honored tradition? Dumb again. You a-holes do not have any problem ripping down historic stadiums to replace them with random monstrosities that look like bike helmets. Or my personal favorite, you put futuristic robots all over the TV (who do nothing but loosen up the whole game) during the games.

I’m guessing the reason behind the Sunday Super Bowl is a thoughtless result of regular season games being played on Sunday. Granted, it seems logical that if regular season games are played on Sunday, why shouldn’t the Super Bowl? Let me explain why. It is a wholly unselfish cause I assure you. The world economy suffers a tremendous shock, as its entire workforce is utterly dysfunctional as they suffer through the day in sheer agony. The result over the Sunday Super Bowl is amazing when you think about it. There are literally hundreds of millions of people all over the world pretending to work right now. Every single one of them is staring at a computer screen just wishing the lights were lower and typing emails to other hungover friends.

Maybe you are worried about interfering with the important Saturday night programming? I guess the thought of interrupting the most annoying ass clown on TV, Jimmy Fallon, on Saturday Night Live would be a devastating blow. I actually just brought this point up simply because I hate Jimmy Fallon and wanted to ridicule him. Ever since I watched Fever Pitch, I cringe at the sight of him and I hate how he does that cutesy voice where he acts nervous and runs his words together. Holy crap that movie sucked. Saturday Night Live is suffering from a blatant lack of drug abuse. Anyway, I’ll get back to the point. TV on Saturday night is bad; TV on Sunday night is good. Therefore, that’s another piece of ammunition in my fight against Sunday.

I think I made my point loud and clear and it should be obvious that there is no good reason for the Super Bowl to be on Sunday. Good, I’m glad we got that sorted out. I'll be in the bathroom if you need me.

Time Magazine Interview with Uncle Paulie's Robot

by Dan Sullivan

Though it has received rave reviews and just might catapult Tom Cruise back into the rarefied company of Hollywood’s A-list (or at least get him steady work again, the film Stalin’s Robot owes much of its success to earlier robot actors who turned out gritty, hard-boiled performances in television and film. This week, Time Magazine’s Richard Corliss had the opportunity to sit down and talk frankly with one of Hollywood’s most highly respected non-human actors, Uncle Paulie’s Robot. Below are excerpts of the veteran actor’s take on movies, sexual politics, the next generation of cyborgs and the Super Bowl.

Richard Corliss: Let’s started with one that you wished you got a nickel for every time you’re asked: How is Sly Stallone?

Uncle Paulie’s Robot: Ha! Well, yeah, I’d be a very rich robot, indeed. Actually, Sylvester is great. He’s one of those guys who’re always positive, always optimistic, always trying to make the people around him feel better.

RC: You were conspicuously absent from the new Rambo movie.

UPR: Absent, yes; but conspicuously? I’m not so sure. It’s not easy to write parts for a 7-foot tall Japanese robot for most movies, let alone ones that take place in the Burmese jungle. The funny thing is—and again, this speaks to Sly’s character and dedication to his friends—he did actually try to get me in Rocky IV.

RC: How so?

UPR: Well, he initially thought it might be a nice reward to the diehard Rocky fans if there was a quick cut-away shot of me holding a heavy bag during the training montage. Was that the same robot from Rocky IV?! People would really be thrown. But ultimately, it was inconsistent with the overall serious tone of the film.

RC: Okay, be honest: is it true that the sex change you did in Rocky IV was improvised?

UPR: “The sex change”… I never really thought about it like before.

RC: Well, in your first scene—when you deliver the cake and sing that strange “Happy Birthday Paulie” song—you are completely neutral, completely monotone and—no offense—completely robotic.

UPR: Oh, none taken!

RC: But then in your second scene, you are this sexy, film noir seductress who is totally enamored of Uncle Paulie.

UPR: Well, it wasn’t exactly improvised. Sly—who also directed the film—pulled me aside before shooting started and said “we’re two days ahead of schedule and we’re not going to Russia for the Drago scenes ‘till next week, so have some fun with Burt [Young, the actor who plays Paulie in the Rocky films].” So I did.

RC: It’s a classic scene, and an amazing transformation. I think most people weren’t really aware of your range as an actor.

UPR: Actually, that was my first movie with any lines [pause]. Come to think of it, it was my first anything with lines. I did a couple of Webster episodes where I had to pretend to respond to a remote control, but I never spoke.

RC: Prior to Rocky IV, I think a lot of people assumed you were just a toy that could be controlled from the palm of a hand.

UPR [breaking into laughter]: Yeah, well, that’s not quite right. I have free will.

RC: You got your start on Silver Spoons. Do you ever run into anyone from the cast?

UPR: Well, after Rick [Schroeder] died, we pretty much stopped hanging out. It was just too hard. He was the glue.

RC: You took some heat for the eulogy you gave at his funeral. People said it wasn’t appropriate, that you were grandstanding, that you sounded like a public service announcement.

UPR: Well, in hindsight, I do see their point, I suppose. Maybe I should have focused more on Rick and less on his overdose. But I still say it’s a danger that needs exposure. Each year, hundreds of people O.D. on barbeque chicken wings, but nobody says a thing.

RC: It’s clear that your pretty passionate about this…

UPR: Well, I lost a good friend to a preventable death, so yeah, I am passionate. You know, I still carry around a lot of guilt—I think we [the cast] all do. We knew he had a problem, the signs were all there. The greasy chin and lips, the constant licking of the fingers, the empty bottles of Ranch dressing strewn about the set—it was pretty clear. And the way BW3’s exculpated themselves is, in my mind, the gold standard of corporate irresponsibility. We serve, not monitor! He demanded more baskets! He brought his own honey mustard! It was absolutely despicable.

RC: Let’s shift gears a little here. Our readers would be interested to hear you talk a little about the current climate for robots working in show business.

UPR: We’ll, it depends on if you’re talking about film or television. In TV, we rarely get serious or interesting parts. We get to do some comic relief or play a rich guy’s newest toy… maybe diffuse a bomb on a police drama. TV is pretty one-dimensional. Still, I’d say the biggest issue—television or film, I’m talking here—is that our roles are tied pretty tightly to the ebb and flow of popular opinion.

RC: What do you see influencing that?

UPR: Oh, jeez, it really depends. Right now, for example, it doesn’t help that more and more robots and computers are entering the workforce and competing with humans for jobs. And just last week, the Viet Nam thing? How many kids did that robot kill? 16? 17? Obviously, things like this make people a little wary, and that translates to what people want to see broadcasted into their living rooms every night, or see playing [in movie theaters]. I guess you could say people get “Robot Fatigue.”

RC: Or they get “Robo-Phobia”?

UPR: Man, I really hate that term… but yeah, you could say that people get “Robo-Phobia”.

RC: It’s interesting that you mentioned Robots and computers together, as if somehow they are the same in Hollywood.

UPR: Well, in a sense we are, or at least in the way people see us. Sure, most of us use computerized operating systems but—

RC: Tom Cruise doesn’t.

UPR: Okay, most robots use computerized operating systems. But that is not an excuse to confuse or associate robots with computers. But, as with many things, the truth doesn’t matter, or it gets lost. Here, let me give you an example: The year War Games came out, I didn’t get a single casting call—not one! And I’m not a computer. But that didn’t matter. Nobody wanted to see—let alone trust—anything that wasn’t made of flesh and bone. The same thing happened after The Truman Show, and that movie wasn’t even about a computer, let alone a robot. Evil took the form of a single, possessed man but, again, it didn’t matter. With every new movie with bad guy calling the shots from behind a control booth with flashing lights and gigantic screens, computers and robots suffer. But not Ed Harris—he turned out fine. He did Stepmom after that, a feel good movie with Susan Sarandon and Julie Roberts. I mean, come on!

RC: Clearly there is a double-standard. So, have you seen Stalin’s Robot yet?

UPR: Oh, the dreaded question! No, I’m only kidding. Yeah, I saw it. I saw it about a week ago with my wife.

RC: And?

UPR: It was very hard for me to watch. It conjured up a lot of memories that have been buried for awhile now.

RC: What is it, exactly, that was so hard? Is it that he concealed his cyborg origins for as long as he did? That he betrayed you and the whole robot community by lying, by distancing himself from you and your robot brothers? Or, is it that, when it’s all said and done, he’s just like you?

UPR: Well, no, actually he’s not like me: cyborgs are humans—or in Cruise’s case, an alien—assisted by computers and robotics. But me, I’m completely synthetic. But no, to answer your question, that is not it, not at all. I mean, we knew what his deal was long before he came out. It’s not an easy thing to conceal, when you think about it. No, I lost faith when….

RC: When Tom Cruise ate his wife and child?

UPR: [A long pause ensues before answering. Then faintly] Yes, when Tom Cruise ate his wife and child.

RC: How did you feel when he plead, and then got off on, what has since been dubbed “Robo-insanity”?

UPR: He ate his family. That is what I find upsetting. Anything else is secondary.

RC: It’s secondary that he blamed eating his family on being robotic? That had to have affected robots around the world…

UPR: I’m not going to say it didn’t. Remember, I was a witness for the prosecution, so I was personally involved in this. Cyborg, robot, alien, freak, whatever— I wanted to see him go down. But not for how he pleaded. I wanted him put away for what he did.

RC: And what about the movie itself? By making a movie about a Soviet robot that killed on Stalin’s behalf, isn’t this just another example of irresponsible historical revisionism?

UPR: I think you’ve answered you own question.

RC: Yes, maybe I have. One last thing here, totally switching gears: Who do you like in the Super Bowl?

UPR: Giants, by a lot.

The Loose Ends: Smorgasbord of Gambling Edition

It's the Christmas of Sports Wagering. Yup, it's the Super Bowl and it's brings out the degenerate in all of us. Think about that lady from accounting in your office that ponied up all her pocket change to get her hands on the infamous "Super Squares." It's a taste of life on the wild side for even the common folk that "think" they have not a single nerve of degenerate in their bones. However, the Super Bowl can drive a person stark raving mad about wagering. Talk to Ethel from Accounting on Monday morning if she wins a quarter in the pool. If you didn't already feel like vomiting on yourself or killing yourself, take a deep breath...those feelings will kick in.

For most, the wagering starts and stops at the usual shit like; who is gonna win and who is gonna cover. Every now and then some ass prick will brag at a Super Bowl party about wagering on the coin toss. To this kind person, I salute with a middle finger and thank you for being an utter douche bag. It ain't walking on the wildside to hammer out such a meaningless wager. Now, that said...put me down for fitty on "heads."

Moving on, there are all kinds of these little things I like to call prop bets that always make it just a bit more interesting. I mean considering the game should be all, but decided in the 2nd quarter...here a few good props that you can find on most Sportsbook's around the net. Or at least you can find some shit like them. I snagged these from the fine folks over at BetUs.com.

How Many Times will Joe Buck mention Peyton Manning's name during the Broadcast? Joe Buck must mention full name in order to count.

Over/Under 5½ Times. (5/6) Odds.

Which QB Will Troy Aikman mention first Eli Manning or Tom Brady?

(5/6) Odds.

Colour of liquid winning Head Coach is doused in?

Transparant 1:1
Clear Water 2:1
Green 5:1
Yellow 3:1
Orange 2:1
Red 3:1
Blue 10:1
Purple 16:1

Britney Spears to streak the field. 100:1

Britney Spears to bring her kids to the game. 50:1

All that said, I'm going for the easy one. Pats 38 Giants 28. Thanks for losing money with me this season.

Alright, now for some links and generalized nonsense.

Song for the weekend - Partyin' Peeps, Umphrey's McGee

This is a happy number to kick the big weekend off with a fantastic screw-it-I'm-whipping-my-balls-out bang. To this day, I still cannot understand how someone can be this good at guitar. It pisses me off actually. If the last few minutes of this don't not get your arm hairs on their feet, nothing will. Holy crap. In fact, if you only choose one of our music videos to listen to all year, this is probably a good one to choose (at least the last 3 minutes or so).



Math Test Trivia

The Detroit Pistons are the second best team in the NBA (based on record). Currently, the Pistons are 33-13 and the Celtics are 36-8. How many games back are the Pistons from the Celtics?

NFL Brainbuster

Which NFL team is a transvestite cross-dresser?

Linkage

Our good buddy, Chris, over at the Hot Route has a nice post of blogsphere love that has the Super Bowl picks of an assload of the best and brightest sports bloggers around town.

Mike Sando at Hashmarks (Is Mosley off hobnobbing , while you do all the work again?) has a nice post about a question I have long wondered, "How is Tom Brady so dominant in the pros when he kinda sucked at Michigan?" Update: Yep, Mosley is off hobnobbing. Check out his report on Tom Petty's press conference here.

The NY Times, via Baseball Prospectus, profiled this minor leaguer who is trying to start up a financial system for investing in up-and-coming athletes. Anyone who has taken Finance 101 has probably thought of this already, but it's a cool idea nonetheless. If anyone wants to buy shares in up-and-coming bloggers, just say the word. Dude, the money is about to start rolling in, I'm telling you.

A couple of our homies have some new projects up and running. First off, the good folks from Halftime Adjustments, First and Ten Inches, and a couple other stellar Cleveland writers have joined forces the form the Cleveland Super Blog, Waiting For Next Year.

Also, our main man, Brandon Hansen, who you all know from his weekly column here on GoWF has another project, Just South of North.

Finally, we've had a couple good posts elsewhere lately. Over at Glide the past couple weeks, we highlighted some awesome child prodigy musicians, cranked out the Top 10 Weekapaug Grooves ever, and got ourselves some - how you say? - happy endings. We also interviewed Simon from Simon on Sports. Maybe I'm biased - ok, obviously - but, these interviews always seem really interesting.

Alright folks, have a great Super Bowl weekend and we'll see ya next week. If you got any links you want us to add to the list, email us at waynefontesghost@gmail.com. See ya Monday.

Seacrest.

What's Cracking at Matt and Reggie's Super Bowl Party?

We all can't be a part of the festivities in Glendale, AZ this weekend. And you'd be surprised at just how some ultra-celebs/stars like to get their swerve on for the big game. Well, we sort of ran out of time on this mythical journey into the cribs/lives of those more meaningful and famous than ourselves. Anyhow, today we are taking one last stop by the fabulous life, times and party that "just might" be taking place somewhere in Los Angeles. And your hosts are none other than former USC golden boys, Reggie Bush (along with his ass) and Matt Leinart.

So, let's take a look-see...shall we?

Theme: "Bitches in the living room, gettin' it on and they ain't leavin' till 6 in the morn"

Food Menu: Carne Asada Rolled Tacos, Chips and fresh Guac, Grilled Kabobs, Chicken Skewers, Shrimp poppers, wings and things, oyster bar, hmm, hmm...hor' dervs?

Music: Snoop Dog, performing live.

Beverage of Choice: Mickey's 40's (I kid). Keg of Budweiser, full service bar.

Extra Perks: Cocaine and Strippers. (Seriously!) Lingerie models as part of sponsorship.

Fun and Games: $10,000 Beer Pong Tournament of Champions, "Super Bowl Squares", Roulette Wheel, on-site Black Jack dealers and an escort service.

Halftime Entertainment: Kim Kardashian Sex Tape in Blue Ray Disc format.

Pseudo Celebs of note in Attendance: Brody Jenner, Vinny Chase, Johnny Drama, Turtle, the Lachey's, Paris Hilton, Larry Fitzgerald, Pete Carroll, Hilary Clinton, the Kardashians, Frankie Muniz, etc.

Ask an Expert: Matthew McConaughey

No need for one of those long drawn out fancy intros. Rather, it's time to cut right to the chase or the meat and potatoes. Time is of the essence and it's Super Bowl week and before we know it, the game will be over and depression will sink in shortly thereafter. Yet, on the bright side of things we've got a special guest who happened to drop by and shoot the shit with a couple nobody's like us. We're honored to invite Wooderson himself, a.k.a Matthew MacConaughey. Enough lathering, let's roll...

Ghosts: Thanks for dropping by bud. Congrats on your "soon-to-be-a-dad status."

MM: Alright, Alright.

Ghosts: What's the big plan for you on Super Sunday?

MM: Well, first, I'm gonna kill you. It ain't no fuckin' biggie.

Ghosts: Well, gotta say...that's quite an interesting start. We're gonna have to lay some ground rules, because everytime we do these fucking things you celebs get all whacked out in your own little world. So, today we are talking about the Super Bowl and the Super Bowl only.

MM: The older you get, the more rules they are going to try and get you to follow. You just gotta keep on livin', man. L-I-V-I-N.

Ghosts: Wow, that's profound shit. Seriously though, not to sound condescending or anything, but do you even realize that the Super Bowl is this Sunday?

MM: Until we can see each other as equals, justice is never going to be even-handed. It will remain nothing more than a reflection of our own prejudices.

Ghosts: We're equals all right, I think we both took the same acid today. When you think about the New England Patriots, tell me what they remind you of?

MM: Let me tell you what Melba Toast is packin' right here, all right. We got 4:11 Positrac outback, 750 double pumper, Edelbrock intake, bored over 30, 11 to 1 pop-up pistons, turbo-jet 390 horsepower. We're talkin' some fuckin' muscle.

Ghosts: Just going to humor you now. What do you think about Brady and Gisele?

MM: I love them redheads!

Ghosts: Seriously, do the Giants have any chance? Has Eli really turned the corner?

MM: What is it in us that seeks the truth? Is it our minds or is it our hearts?

Ghosts: Gee, I don't know bud...just trying to get an answer on the Super Bowl and your thoughts on Eli vs. Brady. You know which QB will play better and why?

MM: I was a quarterback. And every QB knows the key to victory is anticipating -- the ability to see the future and react to it. That is what I do, that's the truth.

Ghosts: What is it with this truth shit?

MM: The truth is I know these teams better than they know themselves.

Ghosts: Good, we are finally getting somewhere...do you have any prediction for the game?

MM: I went 9-2 in pro football Sunday and hit my third straight Monday night parlay.

Ghosts: Really, well there was no fucking football last week...ASS. Get your head focused on this Sunday.

MM: I've been pretty focused on staying in shape. I mean a beer once in a while.

Ghosts: What does Coughlin say to his team to prepare them to take down a juggernaut like the Pats?

MM: One day, not today, not tomorrow, not this season, probably not next season either, but one day, you and I are gonna wake up and suddenly we're gonna be like every other team in every other sport where winning is everything and nothing else matters.

Ghosts: And if you're Belichick, how do keep these guys focused on winning just one more game to complete perfection.

MM: When you take that field today, you've got to lay that heart on the line, men. From the souls of your feet, with every ounce of blood you've got in your body, lay it on the line until the final whistle blows. And if you do that, if you do that, we cannot lose. We may be behind on the scoreboard at the end of the game but if you play like that we cannot be defeated. Now we came here today to remember six young men and sixty-nine others who will not be on the field with you today, but they will be watching. You can bet your ass that they'll be gritting their teeth with every snap of that football. You understand me? How you play today, from this moment on is how you will be remembered. This is your opportunity to rise from these ashes and grab glory.

Ghosts: Very interesting, still at a loss. Thanks for the vine, bud.

MM: Alright, Alright.

Ghosts: You already said that...ASS!