Daunte Culpepper's Starts First Game, Results Really Surprising

ROMANTIC LOG CABIN - FIRESIDE - NIGHT

Betty and Rick arrive after a long drive up to the cabin amidst the beautiful Aspen sky and Rick builds a roaring fire in the stone fireplace, while Betty unpacks.

Betty's Internal Monologue: This is really romantic. He is so sweet... And so fucking obvious. Does he really think this is going to be a surprise? My God, we went ring shopping like four months ago and now we're going to Aspen for a romantic weekend on my fucking birthday. Gimme a break. Should I mess with him and find the engagement ring in his bag and hide it? That would be awesome. No, that would be so mean. I don't want to ruin the "surprise."

Rick (with an audible nervous crackle in his language): Miss Betty. Come down to the fireplace, I have a surprise for you.

Betty's Internal Monologue: Alright, just let me get my Visine so it looks like I'm crying. Remember, act surprised and say you love it even though it's probably ugly. Alright, game time baby.

Betty: Coming.

Betty walks down the wooden staircase to find Rick kneeling on his one knee by the light of his handmade fire.

Betty: Oh my God. I can't believe it.

Rick: Betty, will you marry me?

Betty: Yay. Wee. Woohoo. Of course. Nice ring. Can we get drunk now?
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That was meant to reflect how surprised I am that Daunte Culpepper started his first game for the Lions and helped the Lions on their way to a perfect 0-16 season with a lousy performance. In fact, Daunte's 104 yards, one interception, zero touchdowns, and 47.5 passer rating helped Detroit suffer their worst defeat yet in their worst season ever. Thus, by the transitive property of equality, this was technically the worst NFL football game ever. Is that a little heavy on the hyperbole?

Fortunately, Drew Stanton got some playing time finally, threw a touchdown pass, and went 6-8, which is great news considering the Lions just blew what will amount to around $5 million bucks on a really crappy washed up Daunte Culpepper who will probably get injured during practice this week.

Forgive me if I am not surprised by Culpepper's performance. Apparently, the rest of the Lions organziation forgot that he is not good and hasn't been good since Minnesota... in freaking 2004.

In his defense, the Lion's defense stunk it up really badly as well, so he wasn't the only one sucking out there. The defense gave up 384 total yards, not to mention three touchdowns in the first half alone to a single player, Maurice Jones-Drew. The offense never had a chance to catch a rhythm.

Now, we will all be reeling with anticpation as we wait until Sunday to see who wins the starting QB job, but if you don't know, you don't know the Lions. It's inevitable that Stanton will start playing really well, while Culpepper winds up a collosal waste of money. That's just the way it goes on the Lions. Nothing makes sense.

Thus, I have one fearless forecast for this Lion's team and Drew Stanton will ochestrate this ballsy Nostradamism. Detroit will take down the undefeated Titans on Thanksgiving Day in a marvelous victory. Why? Simply put, nothing ever makes sense with the Lions.