Millen and the PR Team: "Matt's Mailbag"

(Editors Note: So, here's the scoop and another day in the life and times of thee Matt Millen. It all started with Millen and his intern plotting ways to improve the Lions while eating Wendy's catch-up packets. However, after years of lacking the fundamentals of effective communications skills, Matt's publicist stepped in to beef up the PR campaign and for keep sake of Matt's name and status.)

That brings us to the present tense. And here stands a man many would see as defeated, but that's just not the case. In this innovative and fast paced world of blogs and instant sports news via the web, ole Matt felt he needed to reach out more to the fans. Shit, if Mark Cuban can run and maintain a highly trafficked blog, why can't Matt Millen...right? On the advice of his agent and PR team, Matt is opening up the fan mail and answering away in candid fashion. So, let's poke right into "Matt's Mailbag"...shall we?

Q: Just wanted to let you know you’re a jackass.

-Mike, San Francisco, CA.

MM: Jack-Fuck.

Q: Did you steal my Jesus fish?

-Jon, Detroit

MM: Yes, yes I did. Sell your soul to the Devil you Nazi looking fuck. It’s for the good of the team. God will judge you on your NFL Career and trust me; the way things are shaping up right now…you and I will be toasting each other in hell with a Pina Colada in hand.

Q: Quit.

-Voice of Reason, USA

MM: Balls. Lick.

Q: It’s always sunny in Philadelphia.

-Marty (ASSISTANT HEAD COACH), Philadelphia Eagles.

MM: I fucked your wife.

Q: Matt, I can’t tell you how great things are for me these days. I have less ulcers, sleep better at night, still rub elbows with Brett Favre and my famous NFL friends. Life couldn’t be better. Really, let’s bury the hatchet…I didn’t mean to slash your tires and threaten to stab you after you let me go. Let’s let bygones be bygones. You belong back on the other side, in front of the cameras. I can probably pull some strings and get you on as a PA for the NFL Network. Who knows after a few years of getting my coffee and fluffing my balls, maybe you can catch a break – ASS!

-Steve, Iron Mountain, MI.

MM: I fucked your wife, too.

Q: First Rudi Johnson, now I hear whispers of Shaun Alexander or maybe even Cedric Benson. What the hell are you doing, trying to recreate the most dynamic Fantasy backfield, circa 2006?

-Brandon F., Sunnyvale, CA

MM: Funny you should bring up this proposition. Well, for years as you may know I would lust over WR’s with checkered pasts, but buttloads of ability. Then it dawned on me this past off-season that the Lions just haven’t been the same since Barry Sanders left. So, if I can add a slew of great or once great RB’s…surely, I’ll eventually get it right.

Q: I plan on ripping your pathetic secondary a new asshole on Sunday. And oh yeah, Mike wanted me to let you know you’re an ASS.

-J.T, San Francisco, CA

MM: You fucking Bob Saget looking piece of shit. You are the worst QB to ever wear the Honolulu Blue and Silver. And that’s saying a lot…ever heard of Scott Mitchell?

Q: Who’s the fag now? I’ll whoop your ass if you want a piece.

-J. Morton, Torrance, CA

MM: You skinny pencil dick jack-fuck. I’m watching the “youtube” of you get knocked the fuck-out on repeat as we speak.

Q: Ass.

-Mike M., San Francisco, CA

MM: Prick.

Q: ATTENTION LION FANS!!! Fire Millen rally before the home game against Chicago on October 5^th. We are going to burn a life size Millen figurine made of cookie dough.

-City of Detroit, MI.

MM: I will find and I will fuck your afternoon up, you b-rate blogger.

Q: What is your long term plan?

-Lions Fans.

MM: I don’t fucking have one. Where have you been for the last 8 years?

Q: I’m available.

-C. Rogers, Saginaw, MI.

MM: Ping me your agents #. Let’s talk next week.

Q: Isn’t it fun be the butt end of everybody’s jokes? Or haven’t you realized they are all laughing at you, not with you?

-W. Fontes, Somewhere in Suburban Detroit.

MM: No thanks, I don’t need any of your cocaine sir.