What's Playing On Melo's iPod?

Surely by now you have heard about Melo's little gaffe on Sunday night. After laying up his biggest turd of the season, Carmelo Anthony went out and hit the felony juice until 4 a.m. Like any good athlete in the midst of a tight race for the 8th and final playoff spot in the conference, he drove himself home and got a DUI.

Well, since it's been awhile since we busted out the GoWF flagship, the athlete iPods, we're happy to show you what' been making the rounds on Melo's iPod... or what we assume at least.

Drive Better Drunk – Afroman

“On weekends, that's when it's cool. To drink a 40-ounce, and act a fool. Once I get into that zone, I leave that beer and that liquor alone. I can barely walk, I can barely talk,but I can glide that Cadillac like a hawk.”

After Melo’s bunk shooting performance on Sunday night, we have no doubt he probably was driving better after he had a few adult sodas. He went 3-14 and dropped a season worst 11 points. Unless he was drunk before the game ever started, we doubt his hand-eye coordination could get much worse whether or not he went out and got the bedspins. In fact, unauthorized police reports show that when Officer Dan Tremont approached the vehicle, Carmelo reiterated in an something resembling an Irish accent, “Occcifer, I swears I drive better when I’m off me pickle.”

3.2 - The Hot Buttered Rum String Band

"Some folks they joined the Peace Corps. Some work to ban landmines. Other folks help the world one bar at a time. My head is sober, my stomach's full. To better serve the Lord... I'll never be untrue when I'm drinking 3.2., thanks to that state liquor board."

In Melo's defense, he might not have even been drunk. Due the a really dumb rule in Colorado, the beer sold outside of the liquor stores is capped at 3.2% alcohol. Thus, you can drink infinity of them without really getting drunk. So, while Carmelo probably smelled like her fell in a urinal at a college football game, he actually might have been sober.

Wild Wild West – The Escape Club

“Give me give me Wild West, Give me give me safe sex, Give me love give me love, Give me time to live it up.”

Let it be known we are only including this stupid song to highlight the fact that this will be the last time you ever hear us say the stupid, horrible, annoying, lousy term “Wild Wild West” with regard to the Western Conference. Melo took this cliché out with a bang with a completely idiotic decision to go partying in the midst of the heated playoff run, but let’s end it. This horse has been beaten so dead that the maggots moved on, the buzzards are all dead, and the bones have decayed. Give it a rest with the Wild Wild West.

I’m An Asshole - Dennis Leary

“To keep a man like me interested, oh no, no way, uh uhh. No, I gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense. I'm an asshole. (He's an asshole, what an asshole). I'm an asshole. (He's the world's biggest asshole)”

Look, far be it from us to knock a dude for going out on a little drinking bender. The guy had a shitty game and went out to blow off some steam and get a little loose, but the odds of getting nabbed by the fuzz for weaving in a Mercedes on the interstate at 4 am are roughly equivalent to walking through downtown Denver in nothing but a jockstrap while firing a M-16 into a crowd of children.

Snitches - Master P featuring Snoop Dogg

“I caught a nigga one day jumping out of a cop car, I ain't saying no names but this nigga's a rap star. Walking real fast then he dashed in my backyard, Buff ass nigga perpetrating to act hard. In the front seat with no cuffs on, I ask him bout the discussion he say the wrong thing I rush him, Dust him, 'cause I can't trust him… And oh yeah don't forget to tell them bitches, Muthafuck you snitches.”

If you think the drunk driving in the midst of vying for the 8th and final playoff spot in the West was a bad decision, it might not even be Melo’s worst decision. Back in 2004, Melo publicly supported the Stop Snitchin’ campaign, appearing in a video that became a popular in the hip hop community to get criminal to persuade informants to stop talking to the cops. Dude, we know nobody likes a snitch, but what were you thinking? This was so damn dumb. Of course it’s understandable to want to keep the street cred after becoming a big celebrity, but does it really come as a surprise that you are not getting let off the hook by the cops after you publicly campaigned to dissuade people from helping them do their jobs. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Besides, a real gangsta gets to the cops from the inside.

Take Me Home Country Roads – John Denver

Given that cool Denver mountain air, we can only assume Melo was inspired by the late great drunk Colorado driver, John Denver. After twenty five beers, even Melo gets excited to take a cruise up into the mountains and get his hick on. In fact, the main reason he was swerving is because he had to close his eyes to nail that high note during the, “I beeeellohoooonnng” part. Drunk driving the mountain roads listening to Denver is like Colorado a rite of passage, so we can’t entirely blame Melo for his wrongs.

Side note: I have actually seen John Denver in concert and it was fucking awesome.

Nobody Likes Me - Some Kid

While Melo likes to make you think he is all gangsta 'n shit, he reverts back to a little momma's boy when things get tough. After talking to his agent and realizing that he just flushed about $5 million in potential endorsement deals down the sink, he's back to singing his old kindergarten anthem, "Nobody likes me. Ev'rybody hates me. Guess I'll go eat worms."

The Roach (The Chronic Outtro) - Dr. Dre

"Mmm Hmm, triple cheeseburger, some fries and mothafuckin' couple sodas and shit, and Hot apple turnover and all dat old shit nigga. Wooo I'm gonna get my munch onnn!!! That blunt smell good as a motherfucker too."

Giving this all a little more thought, I think I can visualize how this all went down. I used to live in Denver and while it is a kick ass city, there is a glaring lack of late night grub. We all know Melo is pretty keen on the nugs, so he probably got overtaken by the overwhelming urge for some light night drive through and had no choice but to take the gamble and try to make it to a drive through. I hope the cops were at least kind enough to feed the man after they brought him downtown.