Millen, Rothstein, Carr & Williams to the Rescue

While pacing around his office at Tiger Stadium, Jim Leyland hears a page from his receptionst, Sheila.

Sheila: Mr. Leyland, are you available to take a call from a Mr. Millen of Millen, Rothstein, Carr, and Williams?

Jim Leyland: Sure, send him through. These a-holes have been up my ass since Sunday.

Sheila: Alirght, I’ll patch him through.

Matt Millen: Hey Jimmy. How’s it going my man? Listen, my colleagues and I have started up a consulting firm called, Millen, Rothstein, Carr, & Williams and we think we might be able to provide with some invaluable services. It's me, John L Williams, Lloyd Carr, and Ron Rothenstein. You see, we’re turnaround specialists for sports teams now. Think of us as a private equity firm, but for coaches and front office professionals.

Leyland: What the fuck are you talking about? You guys all sucked. You still do suck, actually. And aren’t you supposed to be preparing for the draft? And who the hell is Rothstein? You just hired a jew to make it sound official, didn’t you?

Ron Rothstein (audibly insulted): Ahem. I’ll have you know I coached the Detroit Pistons for one season in 1992-1993. And if it wasn’t for those washed up old sandbags who wouldn’t freaking retire, we would have gone all the way.

Leyland: My apologies. I never heard of you. Do you smoke? Nevermind. So what exactly are you guys offering? Why am I listening?

Lloyd Carr: Mr. Leyland, we believe that Millen, Rothstein, Carr & Williams can provide you with a wide range of professional services to help you overcome your abysmal underachieving start to the 2008 season. We at Millen, Rothstein, Carr & Williams understand that going 0-6 with the best team in baseball is not all your fault. First, we will teach you what we call the “ABCDs” of coping. Then, once we get you thinking clearly with the ABCDs, we can provide you a sure fire program to ensure the safety of your job – no matter how bad you suck this season.

Leyland: Unless the ABCDs of coping stands for "Anybody Care for a Drink?" than you can go fuck off.

John L. Williams: That’s not too far off actually Jim. You see, the great thing about Millen, Rothstein, Carr & Williams is that we have all been there. We understand that part of this coping process that leads to your emotional health and longevity in mediocracy is drinking. In fact, that’s the D. With our program, drinking is encouraged. In fact, we’re drunk right now.

Rustling and kicking sounds are audible through the speaker phone as is Lloyd Carr saying, “Shut the fuck up you dumbass.”

John L. Williams: Well, we’re just drinking Zima actually and were not even drunk. The A in the ABCDs? That stands for apathy. You think Matt Millen learned to ignore all that criticism overnight? No way. The B, that stands for breathe. When Rothstein got canned after one lousy season, you don’t think he and his family panicked? Shit, the guy still takes 5 Xanax a day for panic attacks, but he is an expert in teaching breathing for high stress situations. And the C, well that’s for cry. You don’t really think Lloyd really held off a good cry after the Appalachian State game do you? Ha, no way. And after he lost his job in favor of one of them high fallootin' spread offenses. We’re talking waterworks, son. The process starts with the emotions. We need to thicken up that skin. Once we have successfully worked that portion of the program, then we transition you the next step – the turnaround.

Leyland: Yeah, I’m listening. It has been hard keep this image of the gruff exterior after I let everybody down. We’re 0-6 with what’s considered by some to be the best lineup of the decade. It’s just not fair sometimes. Fuck. Sorry, I’m okay.

Rothstein: We know John. That’s why Millen, Rothstein, Carr & Williams are here for you. We’ve all been there, buddy. And we’re gonna help you through it.

Leyland: So then what?

Williams: At this point, we have a number of choices for you to make. This step is where we lower all the expectations of the fans and media so they remember that this is the state of Michigan. We always choke at all levels when the pressure is on and can only surprise people when the pressure is off.

Just think about it; the Wings choke every playoff series, the Wolverines lose the minute they get in the top 10, the Pistons can’t turn up the heat in the playoffs, and the Lions turned a 6-2 start into a 7-9 season and missed the playoffs altogether.

Leyland: The hype is fucking bitch. Hype reminds me of that fat fucking bitch at CVS who curses when I buy my smokes and beer, because she says it’s the devil. Fucking bitch. Whoa sorry, I just got a little hot there. So what are the next steps?

Lloyd Carr: This is where our extensive expertise comes in to play. We each bring a unique specialization. John L. Williams is good for implementing team collapses for drugs. He can help you expose the players like Jeff Smoker and Charles Rodgers who get high too much and get all fat and lazy. Actually, this is how Millen got off the hook for his asinine draft choice of Charles Rodgers and Mike Williams. Those were all John L. Williams smear campaigns.

John L. Williams (blushing): Oh, you’re just saying that. Well, Lloyd can help you blow the fans expectations in just a few big losses and then make them wonder what the hell is wrong with you by arranging some inspirational meetings with Russell Crowe.

Rothstein’s approach is a little riskier. He just gets you to make all your best players retire, so that one is a little less desirable. Then you are just left with a really bad team. The Rothstein method is more for teams who wanna get shit canned altogether and move to a new town or something.

Millen: My job is to search out all available URLs and protect you from the bloggers. I’ll buy up www.fireleyland.com and www.leylandsucks.com.

Leyland: Good thinking. Those are so played out. I like your line of thinking guys. I think we should probably think about setting up an onsite later this week at your offices.

Rothstein: Great. Glad you are on board, Mr. Leyland. We’ll get that ship righted in no time.

Millen: That’s great Jim. They have these great new things called wraps at the deli downstairs. It’s like a sandwich, but all rolled up. Oh man, they are so good. We’ll bring all different kinds for the meeting. It’ll be awesome.

Carr: Shut up, Millen. Listen Jim, thanks so much for your time and we look forward to the meeting and to working together. And we’ll even try to get you some face time with our chairman, Steve Fischer. See you next week.