GoWF LOST: Episode 1

Editors Note: As we continue to wait in eager anticipation for Lost to recommence, we decided to concoct our own little island of castaways. This is the first installment of bizarro-world Lost starring some of our favorite characters from around the sports world. Before you dive in to Episode 1, it’s essential that you read the preamble from last week detailing the cast of characters and their Lost counterparts. Hope you enjoy!

The story begins on day 17, with the majority of the Losties huddled around a towering campfire. The group has long since fabricated their camps beachside and begun to resemble an island community. The survivors have started to realize that going home may not be an immediate option. Further, the group has explored the island in some detail – locating the first of the hatches as well as the wreckage from both an airplane and pirate ship. At this point, the tribe is getting restless and they don’t know where to throw themselves. After a long day of preparation, Tom Brady, the interim leader of the group, is set to address the assemblage.

Tom Brady (standing and animated in front of a group seated in a circle around the fire): Alright, is everybody here? Folks, it’s time we start thinking like a team. We’ve tried the short-term “help we’re stuck on an island” clichés and they simply have not worked. Writing messages in the sand and blowing smoke signals is for TV shows. It’s time we start thinking longer-term. I know that none of us want to admit to ourselves that we’re not going home, but it’s time to start thinking that way. The way I see it, we have three options. Number One: we can devote our collective energies to fixing up the old pirate ship and try to get ourselves off this island. Number Two: we can try to figure out what is really behind this whole “island” and why we all lived through the crash. Number Three: We can try to find the secret treasure that is inevitably hidden somewhere on this strange island.

Meanwhile, the silhouettes of Dock Ellis and Bill Walton appear from out of the woods. They are laughing hard with their arms around one another as they stumble their way into the circle surrounding the campfire.

Tom Brady: Glad you too knucklefucks could join us. Do you mind me asking, what was so important that you could not make it to the assembly meeting? This is an important meeting in which we should all take part.

Dock Ellis is biting his lower lip trying to contain his laughter when Walton speaks up.

Bill Walton: We can’t find our car (bursts out laughing). We found this AMAZING Volkswagen van in the woods (hands waving in the air as he gets overexcited), got it running, and were jamming out to some good tunes – well at least in Doc’s opinion – but then we got out for some air and we lost the thing.

Brady: Maybe if you two would stop eating all these random plants and licking all the toads and lizards, you wouldn’t keep screwing shit up. Anyway, just sit there and be quiet. We have work to do. Where was I? Oh yeah, so we should take a vote. All those in favor of the boat, raise your hand?

Sasha Cohen raises her hand and immediately Mark Cuban follows suit and starts yapping.

Mark Cuban (nearly hyperventilating): Guys, we need to fix the ship! It’s the only way we can get Sasha Cohen off the island with her baby. She has a baby and the baby needs to be cared for like a… a baby.

Dock Ellis: Shit up, Cuban. You’re gonna die soon. Everybody knows it.

Bill Walton: It’s true, that dude sees the future. He told me about all it. You can try to stop it, but very much like the Grateful Dead in May ‘77, some things were just meant to be.

Tom Brady: OK, two votes for the ship. Who wants to focus on the mysteries of the island and how the hatch plays into this whole thing.

Brett Favre raises his hand.

Brett Favre: I’m old and my joints feel damn good on this island. I was gonna retire after this season anyway. I think we’re meant to be here. The island brought us here. Last night, I was trying to sleep and I heard voices. It was Aaron Rodgers and he told me to “GET LOST.” I think I was put on this island for a reason.

Jackie Christie slowly raises her hand as well.

Jackie Christie: Everyone, I’m really scared. It’s been 17 days I still haven’t found Doug. Normally, he wears a Taser bracelet that shocks him repeatedly whenever he gets outside of a 20 yard radius from me. I think he might be dead.

Tom Brady: Um, ok. So, that’s two votes for the solving the mystery of the island. Last but not least, who want to look for treasure?

The remaining Losties raise their hands, followed by some Ichiro fist pumps and a high five between Maglio Ordonez and Missy Gibson. Ray Lewis pinches Missy’s ass while she is busy giving the high five and turns around and slaps him.

Tom Brady: Ray Lewis, do you have something to say?

Ray Lewis: Shut the fuck up, pretty boy. I’ll make you my bitch. You too, freckles. You and me, my tent, after the meeting. Wear something sexy.

Missy Gibson: In your dreams Ray Lewis. And why do you keep calling me freckles? I don’t even have any freckles.

Tom Brady: Well, that settles it. I guess we’re looking for the secret treasure that we can only assume is on this island, because all deserted islands have a treasure, right? We’ll need to split into teams. Missy, Maglio, Bill Walton, Mark Cuban, and Brett Favre; you’re coming with me. We’ll head into the jungle tomorrow morning to start looking for clues. Everyone else, you’ll maintain the camp: fish, pick berries, and get rid of those horrible farmer’s tans. You people are so painfully ugly.

Ray Lewis: Nice try, eye black. You’re not running off into the forest with all the good poon. I’m coming with. Plus, I got the guns.

Tom Brady: What? Where did you get the guns?

Ray Lewis: None of your business, baby daddy. Just remember, Ray Lewis has two kinds. The ones attached to his shoulders and the ones that’ll blow your mutha fuckin’ head off.

RAY LEWIS FLASHBACK:

Ray Lewis: Dogg, I’m drunk as a mutherfucker. Let’s go get some Champ Burgers at Checkers and Hot Apple Nuggets. They got Checkers in Atlanta, right?

Ray’s Cronie: Hold on a minute. See this bitch rollin’ out right here. Nigga got up my mix – called my mama a semen vacuum. Watch this. I’m gonna bust him upside his head with this champagne bottle.

Ray’s Other Cronie: Do it, dogg. You finna fuck his shit UP.

Ray Lewis: If we just kill them, then can we get a Champ Burger?

Ray’s Cronie: Yes.

Crack. Pop. Pop. Cloud of Dust. Ray and his two buddies jump in the Escalade and peel out. Everyone disseminates.... Well, everyone except for the two dead guys.

Tom Brady: Ray… Ray?

Ray Lewis: Oh yeah, I’m here. I’m with you guys. Tomorrow morning, first thing. Right.

The fire trickles as we see the Losties part ways and head to their respective shelters. Meanwhile, we see two sets of yellow eyes peering from the woods through the darkness.

Gadooosh. LOST.