Ask An Expert: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Welcome back to our favorite show here at GoWF. Today we have an extra special guest, one time ass-whupah turned political swashbuckler, Arnold Schwarzenegger. As usual, we’ll touch on some hot issues in the sports world, but since we got a political talking head, we’ll also take this opportunity to get into the primaries a bit. Without further ado, let’s get started.

Ghosts: Thanks for joining us here today, Mr. Schwarzenegger. It’s truly our pleasure. To kick things off, what do you think about Roger Clemens, the allegations of his performance enhancing drug use, and his handling of the media coverage?

Arnold: He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, "What is the riddle of steel?" If I don't know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. He is strong on his mountain!

Ghosts: Well put. He is quite strong on that mountain, er mound. Who do you like to take it deep into March Madness this season? I think it’s probably Georgetown, but Stan seems to be dying hard on UNC. Your thoughts?

Arnold: There are still two stalkers out there, Dynamo and Fireball. Who do you think will make the next kill?

Ghosts: I’m guessing Dynamo is Douglas-Roberts and Fireball is Derrick Rose. That Fireball sure can run. Not a bad choice at all. Maybe you could call him, the Running Man. Oops, that was horrible. Anyway, why did you leave a movie career and legions of fans for fucking politics?

Arnold: I'm not into politics. I'm into survival.

Ghosts: Um, yes you are. You’re the governor of California. What do you think about George W. Bush? Think he ruined any hopes of any of the GOP candidates from making a real run at it?

Arnold: I can straighten that out. See that camera up there? I'll strangle you in front of the whole audience.

Ghosts: Please don’t. Isn’t it naïve to assume that the GOP has a chance after the abysmal approval rating that GW has achieved, giving the whole party a big black eye?

Arnold: Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion.

Ghosts: Ooh, nice one. But still you didn’t actually address the question. ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.

Arnold: Stop shouting, I’m not deaf.

Ghosts: With all do respect. It’s just a question and I hardly raised my voice.

Arnold: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.

Ghosts: You know, we used to think you were the coolest. I mean, the way you survived that ferocious game show was just amazing. Now, you’re turning into a big wank after just a few years in politics. How do the words “credibility gap” make you feel?

Arnold: Basic Psychology is not among my sub-routines.

Ghosts: Point taken, let’s move on. Do you Jessica Simpson is a good match for Tony Romo? I mean, at this point he could have just about anyone. Shit, if the question was limited to only Jessica’s, I’d prefer Alba.

Arnold: Well, Cohaagen, I have to hand it to you. It's the best mindfuck yet.

Ghosts: Hmmm, intriguing. Think it’ll last?

Arnold: My database does not encompass the dynamics of human pair bonding.

Ghosts: Are you related to Jason Schwarzenegger from the Darjeeling Limited and Rushmore?

Arnold: Well, I may not have been in show business for as long as you have. But I'm a quick learner. And right now, I'm going to give the audience what *I* think they want.

Ghosts: Lay it on me. Whatcha got? You going to do an impression?

Arnold: No more complaining. No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom". Nothing! There *is* no bathroom!

Ghosts: That was terrible. You ruining the god damn interview. Why can’t you just stay on track an answer a few simple questions?

Arnold: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.

Ghosts: OK. Well, thanks for coming. It was still a pleasure to meet you, despite your childish behavior. I don’t know why we always end these things on such a sour note. Anyway, until next time, this has been another episode of “Ask An Expert.”