John Bell: Going for the Triple Crown at Wrigley

In a tradition revered by many, John Bell of Widespread Panic threw out the opening pitch at Wrigley Field a few short weeks ago on July 15th. He and his band then ventured over to the historic Chicago Theatre to complete the final show of Panic’s three night stand... but that’s a whole other story. This here story is all about the honor of not only being able to step foot on the sacred field of the friendly confines, but also to be the center stage for a brief moment in time.
It’s a timeless, sacred Baseball tradition at many a ballpark for a musician, politician, celeb or even pseudo-celeb to be given the rights to toss out a ceremonial opening pitch. And from time to time a singer may even be called upon to sing the National Anthem, which should be considered the utmost honor.

In any event, since the passing of Harry Caray there is a 3rd segment to the famed center stage at Wrigley Field. The third crown in the trifecta is getting the microphone for the 7th inning stretch. Sure, this tradition is carried along at generally every ballpark, but I’d like to believe it carries a little more prestige at Wrigley. Again, note the choice of words “I’d like to believe.”

Moving right along, many a celeb have taken their turn casting out opening pitches at Wrigley. And many have taken their turn either singing the National Anthem or “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” for the 7th inning stretch. However, has anyone actually ever performed all three facets…maybe not at the same game, but over the course of their career? Has this ever been done?

Unfortunately, we are short the expenses to hire a research firm as well as short the patience to perform, yet another “google” search. After several days of trying to find the answers we could only come up with a few possible suggestions as to who may be closing in on this feat or could’ve possibly already done so.

The obvious choice that comes to mind would have to be Bill Murray. Yet, we wonder could he possible entertain the task of signing the National Anthem. Veto. Hmm, Dennis Miller? No way. Ozzy Osbourne? Maybe, doubt it. Bernie Mack? Maybe John Cougar Mellencamp or Alice Cooper? Shit, who really knows?

To be honest, we’re open ears to any reference sources you may have to help us figure this shit out. Maybe, we’re too lazy or just aren’t looking in the right places. Anyhow, back to our good ‘ole buddy John Bell. What we did discover is that John Bell has 2/3 of the feat completed. Yup, aside from his opening pitch a few weeks back, he also sang the National Anthem on April 9th, 1995.

And considering we’re pretty big supporters of JB and Panic in general, we are gonna tout him as one of the few to be this close to completing the Triple Crown of Performances at Wrigley Field. All it’s going to take is another tour stop and a rousing rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” next summer and JB will enter a select company, probably all by himself.

We’d be remised if we didn’t admit we are rooting for him. Not even Panic’s jamband counterparts Phish have come this close to such stature. As far as we know, they’ve never gotten the National Anthem and although rumored in 2000 (after two nights at the Rosemount Horizon) they never actually did sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at Wrigley.

Phish does have a rich history of belting out the "Star Spangled Banner" at several NBA and NHL games, but never at Wrigley. In 2006, Trey tossed out the opening pitch at a game, but in light of his recent career struggles we doubt he’s coming back for an encore.
And so there you have it; John Bell is on the cusp of entering Bill Murray status at Wrigley Field. As far as we are concerned, if anyone gets to wear the triple crown at one of our favorite ballparks in the country, we'll take the guy who's "Sippin on a Tallboy."

John Bell Photo Credit: Courtesy of Widespread Panic.com
Trey Anastasio Photo Credit: Courtesy of Livemusicblog.com

The Top 25 "Obscure Sports" Movies: #6 Thru #10

I bet you thought I forgot about this? Well, you're right, but fear not for we're pushing on right where we left off.

For a complete description of the The Top 25 "Obscure Sports" Movies and the celebrity sports bloggers who contributed, check out this jump (Part I: Getting Started). For those of you who are too lazy, here's a quick recap.

"Obscure Sports" - Anything that is NOT football, basketball, baseball, hockey, or soccer (with a special exemption for hooligan flicks).

Also, before you get started on this one, you can check out the first few segments if you missed them. We're counting 'em down in true suspense-building fashion.

Part II: #21 Thru #25 and the Also-Rans
Part III: #16 Thru #20
Part IV: #11 Thru #15

#6 - Rocky IV

I must admit I cannot believe that Rock didn't crack the top 5, but nevertheless #6 ain't half bad. There is a great episode of Doogie Howser that really sums up the greatness of this movie. Vinnie Delpino gets an entry level position working for a television station. He's at the hospital talking on the phone to his boss about what programming they should schedule after the presidential debates. The executive assumes that they should run commentary and debriefing about the debates in the boring old fashion. Delpino on the other hand, suggests that they run Rocky IV, because it is so patriotic, he feels that it is the perfect follow up to the presidential debates. For the viewers will want to be excited about the direction of the country and democracy in general. That's really what IV is all about.... USA, USA, USA. Cheesy? Perhaps, but great nonetheless.

If you're searching for the perfect gift for that special someone, check out these figurines. You can get any character from the entire Rocky Suite.

#7 - Meatballs

I know, I know, this is a stretch to be called a sports movie, but it does have a race at the end. Rudy "The Rabbit" employs Bill Murray's sage-like wisdom and defeats the older, faster opponent. I really just wanted to include a summer camp movie, because summer camp movies are a serious guilty pleasure of mine. Plus, you know this one is going to be good, when you have Bill Murray, circa 1979, playing a character called "Tripper." That's nothing, but upside right there. This is a nice random quote from the Tripper. "Kids are starving in India and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts."

The bloggers voted all over the place on this one, highlighted by 10 ratings from Doug at Our Book of Scrap and Sooze over at Babes Love Baseball.

#8 - Bloodsport

Does Bloodsport really need an introduction? This is Van Damme at his absolute finest in the original Fight Club. This is the kind of movie that you never plan on watching, but if you flip past it on TBS with a hangover, you can forget about the next two hours.

The thing that never ceases to amaze me about Bloodsport is how Chong Li's breasts are so freaking gigantic. I picture this guy in real life being at a dinner party in Los Angeles and excusing himself to do push ups in between courses. Seriously, how is it possible to get boobs that big?

I'm scared of you, Chong Li

Finally, I would be completely remiss to mention Bloodsport and not put up one of his famous YouTube dance numbers. This guy has got the moves and he knows how to use them.



#9 - Chariots of Fire

Chariots of Fire is without a doubt the most critically acclaimed film to grace the Obscure Top #25. With four Oscars in tow and numerous other awards and nominations, the bar for this movie is set awfully high. Well, I would call it a very solid film, but not classic. I think a lot of the acclaim is due to A) the brilliant sountrack and B) the religious element to the plot. I have a personal grievance against the overwhelming favortisim by the Academy to anything involving the Jews (I'm half Jewish, so it's cool). As usual, this one one does not quite live up to the hype. Nevertheless, the soundtrack of this movie could make Operation Dumbo Drop feel like a classic, particularly the moving theme song. Just look at Vacation, that was a great scene when Russ and Clark race to Wally World to the "Chariots" theme song. Awesome stuff.

A little interesting piece of trivia before we move on, an extremely similar theme song to the famous Chariot's theme is used in the Black Stallion just 2 years before. Check it out right here and see what you think (The song is at the 2:15 mark).

#10 - Rad

Rad pretty much had everything a great 80's sports movie requires: a stellar title, a protagonist with a cool name (Cru Jones), Lori Laughlin, an olympic gymnast (Bart Conner), and Helltrack. In the wise words of Coach Finstock from Teen Wolf, "You stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

If you're jonesin' for some Rad, here's a little flashback. It's the original trailer with a heavy dose of 80s soundtrack music. Also, you get a little look at the makeup scene between Cru and Bart. You gotta love when the arch nemesis gives up the respect at the end of the big race.

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #7

Still going...

85. Vincent Jackson – He may be listed as the #1 WR on the roster, but everyone knows Antonio Gates will always be the #1 target in the San Diego passing game. And LT probably comes in at #1A option in the passing game, so that leaves the lanky and athletic Vincent Jackson as the third option in a loaded offense.

86. D.J Hackett – A lot buzz circulating around a guy who has done about nothing thus far in his career. So what’s all the fuss about Funston?

87. DeShaun Foster – Slippin’ a little more every year.

88. Bernard Berrian – “Hey, Rex – “f” it…I’m going DEEP.”

89. Philip Rivers – Poised for season #2 at the helm. And now under the full-time guidance of Norv Turner this should a good thing…for FANTASY purposes. We’re not saying Turner won’t botch this talent and turn this team from a contender to 8-8, but moving right along…

90. Greg Jennings – Tape your ankles nice and good this year, bud. Ok? He’s got the opportunity to make a name for himself in Fantasy land this season.

91. Kevin Curtis – Our first white WR is off the board. And we should see a run of the white WR starting right about now…

92. Mike Furrey – No joke at all, this could be the steal of the draft. We’re talking about a guy who caught 90 passes last season. There is worse on the board at this slot, trust me…a lot worse.

93. Jerious Norwood – We kind of messed up here...it looks like Dunn is hurt. And that is why he was originally this low on our list. We fully expect to be eating our words for this one.

94. Jerricho Cotchery – He nearly surpassed Coles as the feature WR on the Jets last season. This just looks like the right spot for him to go…not too high and not too low.

95. Matt Leinart – It’s been a quiet off-season thus far for Matt. And that could mean big things in his 2nd year. He’s got the talent and coaching around him, but will he let his arrogance get in the way or does he buy into the system?

96. Baltimore Defense – The first defense off the board and it’s NOT Chicago.

97. Devery Henderson – If he is the #2 WR on the Saints…he is worth having. If not, look elsewhere.

98. LenDale White – Yeah, he’s fat…and yes, he has a ton of competition to sneak away the #1 spot, but we’ve got faith in the big fella.

Men at Work

As you may have noticed, we are undergoing a little cosmetic surgery around these parts this weekend. So please pardon the maintenance. We're hoping to come up with a new look, so let us know how you feel about any changes you see.

Any suggestions, preferences...would always be appreciated. We plan to continue working on the kinks and have our final appearance change on the books, soon enough. A good day to all.

Lazy Sunday: Youtubin'

For your Sunday afternoon viewing pleasure...our lazy scope around youtube. Apologies if you've already been over saturated with these clips. If not, we'd suggest taking a gander. We'll back strong this week and always...stay tuned.

Say hello to a stud, Cody Paul...he'll makie it RAIN!

*additional credit - discovered on Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Is that the Iron Sheik? An exclusive interview about Wrestlemania III.


Nerf Dunk Contest...The Tribute.


Our Boy, Rasheed Wallace loved to dunk all over Duke.

*additional credit to Natalie - discovered at Need-4-Sheed

It's going to be a new era of Football at Michigan State this coming fall. So, we can put to bed these painful memories.


And lastly, Harry Caray...Cub fan and a Bud Man.

Sunday Addition: It's All About The Linkage

In what many are calling a dark week in Sports, we here at the Ghosts provide a beacon of light in a world of plight. Yup, it's another installment of the links from around the 'sphere. A lot going on and as you may have heard the NBA is corrupt and Michael Vick is going down, down, down. Well, we narrowly avoided adding the ten thousandth perspective on those stories. And we chose to avoid the those same topics in our weekly snippets from around these internets.

And with that, please follow me to our greatest hits compilation from the week that was...

How are Bloggers going to react to #756? (Epic Carnival)

Mr. Irrelevant gives his selections in Brahsome's "Sitting in Limbo" series. (Brahsome)

I never doubted the Cubs were going to win the World Series...not once. (Gheorge the Blog)

Priest Holmes recently touched base with Herm Edwards...really. (More Credible)

And does the Priest have any relevance or value left in the world of Fantasy Football? (Pacman Jonesin')

Kenny Lofton is back in Cleveland. Now, if they'd only kept Manny Ramirez. (Flyers Fieldhouse)

A disturbing photo of former traveling secretary of the Yankees...um, Costanza. (Shakedown Sports)

Wait, there is now rapping about Dogfights? What took so long? (You Been Blinded)

Ok, so Tony Gwynn is a little plump and husky, but at least we know we NEVER took steroids. (Home Run Derby)

Randy Johnson is headed back to the DL and this could finally be the END. (Babes Love Baseball)

Jeremy Shockey is having fun with strippers...again. He provides the nicest of compliments. (NYJER Please)

Enjoy the week and go out and GET that day.

What the Hell are the Padres Doing?

On Wednesday night the San Diego Padres dealt reliever Scott Linebrink to the Milwaukee Brewers for a crop of minor league pitchers. Could somebody please explain to me the logic behind this move? I mean, sure Linebrink was having his fair share of struggles as of late and the bullpen was pretty well stacked around, so he was expandable. Yet, the gripe has to be with what they picked up in return.

Don’t get me wrong, acquiring prospects and building for the future is a huge part of maintaining a solid organization. However, at what point do the Padres say we are capable of winning now? At what point does Sandy Alderson (CEO) green light the checkbook and allow Towers to spend some money and bring in that coveted bat they’ve needed for so long? And who should Padres fans blame…Alderson or is it Towers?

Somebody is lying in this whole mess. Alderson has gone on record to say that the pocket book is open. Yet, Towers continues to preach the philosophy of building a solid team and then purchasing the right pieces to get them over the hump. Hmm, well we’re waiting.

You see, last season the Padres were dangling Linebrink and then pulling him back all the way up until the deadline. They never had any desire to trade him away and were set on holding the team intact as it was. Once again, afraid to chase the big money contract or the big bat that could’ve in all likelihood propelled them a little further in the playoffs.

Some of the names that swirled around as potential pieces acquired in a trade involving Linebrink (amongst others) were Mike Lowell, Bobby Abreu, Mark Teixeira, Carlos Lee and even Alfonso Soriano (although highly un-likely). Yet, Towers and company were content on swiping for role players like Todd Walker and Russell Branyon instead.

Even in this past off-season the market was still rich for Linebrink’s services. Teams such as the Angels, Red Sox and Phillies (rumored to have offered Aaron Rowland) were all interested in bullpen help. The Padres stood pat on their philosophy this past off-season and failed to bring in anyone that could hit over .300, with 30 HR’s and 100 RBI. That part of the “money ball” equation seems to have eluded Towers and company.

And even on the day they traded Linebrink he still held considerable value (despite recent struggles) to a team like the Tigers, Red Sox or even Yankees. However, Towers opted to ship him to another National League team in contention with whom the Padres could be competing for a playoff spot with? Enlighten me please, as to how that makes any sense?

As it is the Padres are no better off than they’ve been for the past few years. Their glaring weakness is the fact that their leading hitter is batting .264. The Red Sox and Tigers each have about 5-6 guys batting over .300. Kahlil Greene leads the team with 16 HR’s, but he’s batting .230. What is it going to take for the Padres to realize, sure adding a Milton Bradley or Michael Barrett on the cheap is nice, but it’s not going to cover up the void of power and hitting?

This team was built on the strong suit of their pitching. However, now Jake Peavy is beginning to show signs of wear and tear and is struggling to find that groove he was in earlier this season. Chris Young is slated to miss probably at least one start. David Wells is due to serve a suspension soon. And God bless Maddux, but he can’t exactly carry a rotation anymore these days.

So this is an interesting quarry the Padres have backed themselves into. They are currently (2.0) games behind the Dodgers, who are looking to improve their feeble offense by adding Mark Teixeira (possibly). They are ½ a game behind Arizona in the Wild Card race, but also must look at the surging Cubs (loaded with bats) creeping over their shoulder. Can they really stave off the inevitable again this year?

The team has lost 7 of their last 10 games and the shake-up in the rotation certainly isn’t going to make matters any easier. They have all, but wasted one of the best pitching staffs in all of baseball by taxing their starters due to a lack of run support. It isn’t hard to examine the situation from afar and pretend to be an expert, but you really have to question why the organization is content to stand pat.

Scott Linebrink may have been expandable and due for a trade, but he was also arguably their lone bargaining chip in attempting to acquire some relief in their need for hitting. It’s all speculation who they may have turned over in return, but as of right now…three prospects mean jack shit for this team. I guess we will see how it all breaks down in 2010, if and when they are still building for that future and waiting to buy the right piece to the puzzle.

What’s Playing on Joey Harrington’s iPod?

With the recent news of Michael Vick (which you may have heard about) being arraigned on charges as the chairman of a Dog Holocaust, his job with the Atlanta Falcons appears to be on the rocks. Thankfully, the Falcons picked themselves up one mighty fine back-up plan in Joey Harrington. It would appear that Joey has got, yet another chance to prove us all wrong.

The man is ready to put to bed some pre-conceived notions about his image and skills. And it starts right here. As per our usual Friday bit at the Ghosts (love it or hate it), we are tapping into our favorite athletes iPod’s. Today, we are taking a gander at good ‘ole Joey Heisman’s “Bring it Back Home” Playlist. To our surprise and the chagrin of many, it’s not littered with the staples you’d expect. You won’t find “Piano Man"or any John Tesh tracks.

Joey is actually a pretty cool dude. We may hate on a lot of folks around here, but you know what they say? Once a Lion, always a Lion. And with that, let’s take a look-see…

Get a Haircut and Get a Real Job – George Thorogood: Alright Joey, it’s time to put the herba buena away. No more acid trips to find your being and all that mumbo that Ricky Williams taught you in Miami. You’ve got one last shot before you get inducted to the Scott Mitchell Hall of Fame for turds that are so big they take multiple flushes before they finally go down the toilet.

The Boys Are Back in Town – Thin Lizzy: Like a monsoon, Joey is back again this season to fuck shit up. Every year people will remain hopeful, “Maybe this season won’t be quite as windy and rainy as the others?” Well, let’s just say that we'll be installing storm windows. Joey Touchdown is back and he’s comin’ to your town. Batten down the hatches.

Back in the Highlife Again – By Steve Winwood: Joey's brain says to Joey, “Oh what I wouldn’t do for a 250/3/0 in week one. Just think of the possibilities, Joey. We’re talking about immediate “comeback kid” headlines and the obligatory “overcoming adversity” fluff. ESPN loves that angle and it usually only takes one good game. Before long, we could start dating Laura Leighton and we’d totally be all over US Weekly, Page 6, and maybe even Epic Carnival. The sky is the limit Jo Jo, back in the highlife. Just don’t go fucking it up again. Man, I miss our billboard.” (Sigh)

Hate it Here – Wilco: The new Wilco album is smoking. And it’s locked into Joey’s earbuds. The beautiful melodies of those keys, strikes the nerve. Joey would like you to know that you’ve got issues if you aren’t feeling this record.

Hook – Blues Traveler: Did you know that Joey once played piano with these guys, albeit for a quick jam session on some promotional NFL bit? Regardless, Joey got to play with his boy Jon Popper. It’s a well known fact he’s been following Blues Traveler since the 1992 H.O.R.D.E tour. Yup, the hook brings you back allright…welcome back Joey.

I’ve Been Arrested by You – Rupert Hine: Yeah, yeah...Joey’s still gotta sprinkle a little cheese on top of the casserole. What’d you expect? If anything this guilty pleasure is more for comical purposes as it always lightens the mood for Joey. It actually made the cut, because it’s from his favorite move “Better off Dead.” And he just loves the seen where Layne Meyer plays the saxophone inside the Burger joint for little Monique.

Who Let the Dogs Out? – Baha Men: Having been made fun of most his professional career, Joey’s learned to have a better sense of humor and to not take things so personal. And so with that, he had to poke a little fun at his compadre Michael Vick. In reality Joey hates this fucking song as do most people, but it’s an anthem of mockery aimed at the man whose moronic decisions have opened the door for Joey. Thanks again Ron Mexico.

Tall Boy – Widespread Panic: Joey grew the beard for a fucking reason. He needed an image makeover, but more importantly he was tired of being lumped into the same old internet jokes about being positively gay. He’s always been a free spirit and nothing says that more than his choice of “Tall Boy.” And if you’re thinking this is the studio version…think again. Joey has a whole playlist dedicated to Panic, but for this particular one he went with the “Tall Boy” from Austin, TX this past month.

Maid Marian – Page McConnell: It’s no secret Joey is fond of the Piano. If he wasn’t an NFL player…he’d be in a band where he carried the lead on Piano. His infatuation and appreciation for the keys is evidenced by this selection. On Joey’s scale, this solo album from Page McConnell is some of his best work outside of Phish.

Love in an Elevator – Aerosmith: “Livin’ it up when I’m going down.” Taking the free ride has always been Joey’s gig. We’ve just never quite understood it. He’s like Randall “Pink” Floyd…dude just wanted to mellow out and get himself some fucking Aerosmith tickets.

Sweet Emotion – Mike Gordon and Leo Kottke: Despite being a huge Aerosmith fan, Joey couldn’t turn away this astounding cover by Mike and Leo. Check out the solid groove laid down. For Joey this is like sitting on a back porch in Oregon and drinking the finest micro brew in hand. It’s the sweet sound of summer.

Kerry Wood: Fire Walk with Me

He came into our lives at the velocity of a 99 MPH fastball from close range. It was his manifest destiny; it was our fate, our hope. In 1998 we watched and were held speechless as he struck out 20 Houston Astros in merely his 5th professional start. Captivated and mesmerized, we soon realized the good lord had placed Kerry Wood here for a reason.

Unfortunately, that reason was not fulfilling of the script we’d already written. He was supposed to be the saving grace of a meager franchise ready to put to rest the many years of angst and misery. However, somewhere along the lines destiny malfunctioned and the story was never quite the same. This story of hope had become a symbol of tragedy.

Yet, like all epic tales this one can have a happy ending. Kerry Wood is coming back and he’s coming back for the last time. This is his one last chance to rectify his career for himself and for himself only. This is not for us, the selfish fans who crave and expect so much more than we realize to be humanly possible. No, this is for Kerry Wood and his well being. And shame on anyone who doesn’t “hope” and “wish” the best…for him.

Wood was at that proverbial fork in the road recently. And for him this was the last fork he was prepared to face in his pitching career: ''I decided to just go out and play catch one more time and see how it felt. To me, it was going to be the last time before I made a decision on if I was going to have another surgery or not. I threw, and it felt fine. So I came out the next day again, and it felt better. And I kept going from there.''

Earlier this week Wood appeared for a 12 pitch inning in Single “A” Ball. From all indications this was a successful, albeit brief return to action. He came out of the bullpen, which appears to be the new gig that we can expect. And that’s going to be a good thing. His fastball has been rumored to be floating around 93-95.

After his personal trainer proclaimed his shoulder to have been a miraculous turn around, some wondered if it was an act of the Lord or Tom Cruise. Did Divine Intervention or Karma finally step in and lend a hand? Did he sell his soul to the Devil? Can he walk through fire? Will he be the same pitcher he once was? Will he re-lapse? Is this finally the year?

If we’ve learned anything from Kerry Wood over these past few years, nothing is certain. Hopefully, this was an act of divinity, but who really knows. Maybe the shoulder ruptures again and he never makes it back, which would be all too tragic. And no, I don’t think he can walk through fire.

Yet, one thing is certain…he will NOT ever be the same pitcher he once was. And to be honest that is just fine. The fact that he is climbing the mountain once again for all the marbles says something to the testament of his character. He and Prior are often linked as the butt of several jokes. However, what happened to them both was simply ill fated luck. In their case tragedy was never narrowly averted.

Wood says he wants to repay the Cubs organization by helping out as much as he can in winning the World Series. He wants to be a part of that something special. Little does he realize that just returning to the bigs and the Cubs is special in its own right. He may not have a huge impact on the field (or he might), but we do know he will have a huge impact in the clubhouse and in the hearts of many Cub fans.

For now, we are just holding out and hoping he returns to the Cubs in whatever facet or capacity is right for him and the team. As for whether or not this is the year…they’ll just have to burn that bridge when they get there.

Additional Credits: Chicago Sun Times

Five More Cromulent Episodes

A number of people have commented about how the quality of The Simpsons has slipped. I would say that that is probably true. They really hit their stride around season four and continued to be simply the best thing on television into season nine. The show had evolved from being centered around Bart and his Dennis-the-Menace type shenanigans to being centered around Homer. They used Homer as a vehicle to make broader critiques of American society. In my opinion, the show started to go down hill when they began to focus solely on Homer and how stupid he is. In recent years, it seems every Simpsons episode involves Homer getting a new job of some sort.

Anyway, as promised, here are my other five classics. I have foolishly omitted “A tar is Burns,” in which Springfield holds a film festival. I am too lazy to add it. Feel free to give us some quotes in the comment section from that episode or any other episode you like.

Homer the Smithers
Episode 145, 2/25/96

Homer fills in for Smithers when he goes on vacation. After proving to be a poor substitute and taking constant verbal abuse from Mr. Burns, Homer lashes out and assaults the old man. This acts as an impetus for Mr. Burns to finally take care of himself, leaving Smithers without a job when he returns.

Quotes:

1.
Homer: Um, is this the chair I'll be sitting on?
Smithers: Yeah. Now, I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but… actually it's just 2,800 small jobs.
Homer: Uh huh. But this is the chair, right?
2.
Moe: Oh, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, huh? First name: Waylon, is it? (angrily) Listen here, you! When I find you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants… so you can watch me kick the crap out of you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
3.
Announcer: Welcome, welcome, welcome to an evening of exciting quarter-mile action, action, action! Our first race is a benefit for daredevil Lance Murdoch, Murdoch, Murdoch, who's hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver, liver, liver!
(crowd cheers)
Homer: All right! Liver!
4.
Mr. Burns: Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic foods!
5.
Burns: I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of Shredded Wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct…
Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: (taking notes) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about uuhhh, things. Uhh… the things.

Much Apu about Nothing
Episode 151, 5/5/96

After a bear wanders into Springfield, the residents demand the government do something about it. Mayor Quimby establishes a bear patrol which forces him to raise taxes. When Springfieldians complain about the high taxes, the mayor does what every talented politician does –he blames it on immigrants. This episode is an excellent commentary on America’s periodic anti-immigration fevers, one which we appear to have caught right now.

Quotes:
1.
Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: I have a friend named Joey Jo-Jo…Junior…Shabadoo?
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(The man in the background runs out the door crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!
2.
Homer: Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.
Homer: Thank you, sweetie.
Lisa: Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.
Homer: I see.
Lisa: But you don't see any tigers around, do you?
Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock.
3.
Homer's Mob: We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!
4.
Quimby: People, your taxes are high because of illegal immigrants!
Moe: Immigants! I knew it was them! Even when it was the bears, I knew it was them.

Homer vs. the 18th Amendment
Episode 171, 3/16/97

After Bart inadvertently gets hammered on St. Patrick’s Day and is shown on TV, Springfield’s prudish teetotalers demand that alcohol be banned. At first prohibition is fine as the mob controls the booze flow and Chief Wiggum looks the other way. But then a Dick Tracy-like detective Rex Banner is called in to replace Wiggum and crush the mob. Homer, then begins bootlegging to fill the void.

Quotes:
1.
Rex Banner: (Grabbing Ned Flanders) Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, then I'm guilt-diddily-ilty as char-diddily-arged.
Rex Banner: (to other cops) He's not the Beer Baron, but he sounds drunk; take him in.
2.
Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh, won't someone please think of the children?
Maude Flanders: What kind of example are we setting?
Chief Wiggum: Ladies, please. All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have been either drunk or on cocaine.
3.
Moe: Yeah, all right, listen up. This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
(A few people raise their hands.)
Moe: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
4.
Mayor Quimby: You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies! Who are you to demand anything?
Aide: (Quietly) Election in November. Election in November.
Mayor Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.
5.
Kent Brockman: All this violence, looting, destruction of property. Is this really what we think of when we think of the Irish?
6.
Marge: What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin'.
Marge: I don't think it had broken axles before.
Homer: Before, before! You're livin' in the past Marge. Quit livin' in the past!

Homer’s Enemy
Episode 176, 5/4/97
Homer has a new co-worker who has had to struggle through every bit of his life. He disdains Homer because he has had everything handed to him and he doesn’t even realize it. This episode is a sharp critique of Americans and the American way of life.

Quotes:
1.
Homer: Oh, what am I going to do?
Moe: Uh, why don't you invite him over. Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it … bam! … the ol' fork in the eye.
Homer: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?
Moe: There's always a first time.
2.
Grimes: Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one.
Lenny: Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant.
Homer: I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.
3.
Grimes: God, I’ve had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?
Homer: What?
Grimes: Everything! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and lobsters for dinner. And do you deserve any of it? No!
Homer: What are you saying?
Grimes: I’m saying you’re what’s wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you’d have starved to death long ago.
Bart: He’s got you there, dad.
Grimes: You’re a fraud. A total fraud.
4.
Grimes: God, he eats like a pig.
Lenny: I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I’d say he eats more like a duck.
Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Can you imagine that he, he was hanging from a coat hook.
Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy.
Grimey: I’ve never seen him do any work around here … what, what is his job?
Lenny: Safety inspector.
Grimes: That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been killed dozens of times by now?
Lenny: Three hundred and sixteen times by my count.
Grimes: That’s the man who’s in charge of our safety. It, it boggles the mind.
Carl: It’s best not to think about it.

The Cartridge Family
Episode 183, 11/2/97

After a soccer riot --caused because the game is so boring --threatens the safety of the Simpson family, Homer decides to buy a gun and indeed join the NRA. Due to his reckless behavior with the firearm, Marge takes the kids and leaves Homer. This episode is a satirical look at the gun issue in America. While it is generally anti-NRA, in the end it they do give a somewhat balanced view on the place of guns in our society.

Quotes:
1.
Gun Shop Owner: Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster…
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Gun Shop Owner: Bandoleer.
Homer: Baby.
Gun Shop Owner: Silencer.
Homer: Mmm-hmm.
Gun Shop Owner: Loudener.
Homer: (drooling noise)
Gun Shop Owner: Speed-cocker.
Homer: Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Gun Shop Owner: And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that… yet.
2.
Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. (pushes one of the Scotsmen)
Scotsman: (turns to face Homer, screaming) Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done!
3.
TV Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Springfield! It's all here--fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!
Bart: Hey, Dad, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?
Homer: I...don't know.
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
TV Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!
4.
(at NRA meeting)
Moe: Uh, hi, I'm Moe S.
Crowd: Hi, Moe!
Moe: Yeah, so last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up. [the crowd gasps]
Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?
Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but, I managed to shoot him in the spine. [crowd claps and cheers]
Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!
Homer: Hi, I'm Homer S.
Crowd: Hi, Homer!
Homer: Hi. It seems if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I'd like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization.
5.
Homer: But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad, the 2nd Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn't be more wrong Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that?
6.
Agnes: I've never seen such recklessness!
Louie: You mighta hurt someone!
Cleetus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.
Moe: Your membership card, please, Homer.
Moe: I'll also need to remove your tattoo.
Homer: I didn't get one yet.
Moe: Rats.

Big Z = Cy Young?

Nobody’s ever really surprised when Carlos Zambrano makes a few off the cuff remarks. And you may recall him going on record this pre-season, boasting that the Cubs would win the World Series and he would win the Cy Young. At the time it seemed strange, maybe even a bit laughable not that he would win the Cy Young, but that the Cubs would even contend for the World Series, let alone the playoffs.

My, my…what a difference a month makes? At the onset of the season, both of Big Z’s prophecies looked comical beyond terms of rationalization. At April’s end he was sitting on a 2-2 record with an ERA a shade under 6.00. Rumors circulated abound that he was possibly covering up an injury or that he was binge eating again (just kidding). Regardless, the distraction of his eminent contract dispute was used as a buffer of sorts for his mediocre, if not horrid start.

The month of May didn’t prove to be much better, despite getting his ERA down just a touch (closer to a respectable 5.24) he still managed to go just 3-2 for the month. Those dreams of grandeur were going up in flames for not only Big Z’s contract season, but also the Chicago Cubs. And then…we all know what happened.

On June 1st after eating a Clubhouse record 27 Wrigley Dogs, Zambrano gave up 6 runs and just self destructed against the Braves. He then went ape shit and socked Michael Barrett in the face, Lou Pinella lost his shit the next day and the rest, well…that’s all history.

Since then Big Z has rallied off an 8-2 record and shrunk his ERA down to 3.65. What’s more impressive is the fact that one of those two losses was almost a friggin’ no hitter. There are tears and hot streaks all the time in baseball, but this is something else. Ironically, as Zambrano has finally found his groove…so to have the Cubs. I need not have to explain.

Zambrano has been nearly un-hittable to say the least. And what once seemed like a preposterous notion is now breathing down the neck of probability. This guy really is Cy Young material. It’s really not that far fetched. Big Z now leads the NL with 13 wins; he’s in the top 5 in strikeouts and innings pitched. Sure, his ERA will have to continue to soar downwards, but why would it not?

Really, the race is pretty wide open. And for the hell of it, let’s take a quick look at the “other” potential suitors and their vitals…individually. (Apologies if I forget anyone).

Brad Penny – Notorious 2nd half gag job…plus he’s a douche bag.

Chris Young – He’s having a nice season, but he doesn’t rank near the top 30 in IP and is now sporting a strained oblique…could miss a few starts.

Aaron Harang – He plays on a shitty team, which no doubt means he’s going to get snaked out of assured wins, because either his team can’t hit or his bullpen fucks him over.

Ben Sheets – injured.

Jake Peavy – Already starting to show signs of fading, perhaps he peaked too early in the season?

John Maine – I’m not completely sold on him…yet.

Hudson and Smoltz – Fuck 'em.

Roy Oswalt – A real longshot.

Cole Hamels – Could remain steady in the competition, but all it takes is one punch to the face from Big Z and he’s on the DL.

So, essentially by my own process of elimination, I’ve ruled out just about every possible obstacle in Big Z’s way. The proof is in the pudding. It’s all about peaking at the best possible time and as Big Z continues to help push the Cubs into the playoff picture, he’s making his case known for the Cy Young award. And just maybe his whole song and dance in the pre-season wasn’t all a pile of bullshit? We shall see…stay tuned.

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #6

Really no need in lathering up for this round...it's getting down to winning time. These are the rounds where the prizes are found and the titles are won. Let's get it on...

Check the previous rounds?

71. Chester Taylor – The Vikings paid this guy so isn’t just going to give way to Adrian Peterson. Then again he isn’t going to carry the rock as much as last season either. Another timeshare that could benefit both backs…stay tuned.

72. Lamont Jordan – So this is what’s left once you hit the mid rounds of a 14 team league? Argh, this is gonna be harder than we thought.

73. Jeremy Shockey – Another one of those guys linked to a suspect QB. We are predicting a suspension for strangling Eli at some point this season. If not he’s got Top 3 TE written all over him.

74. Brandon Jackson – It may take you while to figure out who this guy is, but you’ll soon realize he is the #1 RB in the Green Bay backfield as of right now.

75. Matt Hasselbeck – As bald and reliable as ever. Welcome to the 2nd tier of QB’s.

76. Kellen Winslow – We’ve never been big fans, but you can’t argue the talent. Can’t wait to see he and B-Quinn hook up for a TD.

77. Chris Chambers – Every year we hear about this guy making the leap. He’s had like 6 good games in his career, total. And he’s been living off the hype and “TUP” label. Guess what, he’s nothing special.

78. Kevin Jones – If he’s healthy, he will no doubt be the feature in the Detroit juggernaut.

79. Mark Clayton – He showed some signs of prominence as the season wore on last year and surprisingly he isn’t quite generating much of buzz just yet. It could be that people are leery of Steve McNair, but I’m not so sure.

80. Alge Crumpler – All things (Vick) considered, you’ve got to lower the expectations just a touch on normally reliable Alge. You just never know what to expect out of Atlanta this season.

81. Vernon Davis – Seems poised to have one of those “in-your-face” coming out type of seasons. The offense is only getting better and dude didn’t get a chance to flash the freak athletic skills at all last season.

82. Donte Stallworth – Just waiting for that hamstring to pop off the bone this year. Yet, if he stays healthy Brady has two vertical threats (Moss and Stallworth) and excellent slot WR in Welker. He’d better put up Manning like #’s or else.

83. Darrell Jackson – Could anything possibly be worse than the Antonio Bryant experience? What a disaster for Fantasy owners and the city of San Francisco. Enter DJ, who has boatloads of experience and knee problems…have fun.

84. Deion Branch – It’s sink or swim for Branch in Seattle this year.

This American Movie

This Friday a film that many of us have been waiting nearly twenty years for will open worldwide. A significant percentage of American males aged 15 to 40 will eventually see this movie, so needless to say expectations are running high. It stars a family that was designed to be the quintessential American family –they have an average name, they live in an average town, they have 2.2 children, and the father is overweight and not particularly bright.

I am talking, of course, about the Simpsons. And in anticipation of this weekend’s release, I thought we’d do a best ten episode guide, starting with five today. I’ll post mine, you respond with yours. The following five were not easy to choose, and I haven’t ranked them –that would be insanity –so I’ve simply listed them in chronological order (Oddly enough most of mine come from the same season). Enjoy.

Number One
Sideshow Bob Roberts
Episode 108, 10/9/94

In this episode Sideshow Bob runs for Mayor at the behest of Birch Barlow –a parody of Rush Limbaugh. This has some great moments and is a great satire of the so-called Republican Revolution of 1994.

Quotes:

Quote 1
Homer: I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy; but, I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
2
Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but deep in your hearts you long for a cold, Republican leader who'll cut taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!
3
Birch Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you are well known for your lenient stance on crime, but suppose for a second that YOUR house was ransacked by thugs, YOUR family was tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob...
Mayor Quimby: What is your question?
Birch Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir.

Number Two
Homer Badman
Episode 112, 11/27/94

Homer and Marge go to a candy convention and Homer gets accused of sexual harassment when he takes the baby sitter home. This episode ridicules the media and political correctness.

Quotes:

1
Homer: (at the candy convention) Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
2
Kent Brockman(on TV): Simpson scandal update - Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tank which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!
3
Protesters: Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning large or immense, we use it in the perjurative sense!

Number Three
Fear of Flying
Episode 114, 12/18/94

Homer gets kicked out of Moe’s and must find a new bar to patron. After finding an airport bar and subsequently crashing a plane, the Simpsons get free airline tickets to anywhere in the US but Alaska and Hawaii (“the freak states”) but Marge has a fear of flying. She then goes to a therapist to conquer her fear.

Quotes:

1
Homer: There's something wrong here… (gasps) This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. (leaves)
Lesbian: What's her problem?
2
Bartender: Uh, sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: Um, but I am a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: Um… I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner.
3
Homer: You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?
Bart: (pulling it from his own pocket) Right here, Dad!
Homer: Thank you!
4
Marge: Er, I don't know, Homer. We're right in the middle of the busy housekeeping season.
Homer: But Marge, you deserve a vacation. It's a chance for you to clean up after us in a whole other state!
Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but getting on a plane like that seems like a hassle coupled with a burden.
Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero…I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me LIVE? Won't you please?!
5
Moe:How many people want Homer banned from this
place for life?
Everyone:Yeah!
Homer:Come on everyone this bar is like a tavern
to me.
Moe:Sorry Homer you should had thought of that
before you gave me the old suger me do.
Moe: I'm taking your caricture down from Mount
Lushmore andI'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
Homer: "It's Raining Men"?
Moe: Yeah, not no more, it ain't.

Number Four
Homer the Great
Episode 115, 1/8/95

Homer joins a secret society only to find out that he is their “chosen one.” Convinced by Lisa to do good things with his newfound power, Homer makes the society do community service, which causes the other members to turn on him.

Quotes:

1
Bart: What do they do there?
Homer: What don't they do? They do so many things, they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars!
Lisa: You don't know what they do, do you, Dad?
Homer: Not as such, no.
2
Grandpa: Ok, I'm an Elk, a Communist, the president of The Gay and Lesbian Committee for some reason. Oh, here it is... The Stone Cutters.
Homer: Yes, thank you dad. Lets go!.... I'll take this communist one too!
3
Homer: I could help others…I'll get a bunch of monkeys, dress them up, and make them re-enact the Civil War.
Lisa: Dad, that doesn't help people.
Homer: Couldn't hurt. Unless the monkeys started hurting people, which they almost certainly would.
4
Homer: Anyway, I'm going to follow them tonight and see where they go.
Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so ILLEGAL. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: Homer, you're not going outside to stalk Lenny and Carl!
Homer: No! I'm... going outside... to... stalk... Lenny... and Carl............ D'oh!

Number Five
Lisa the Vegetarian
Episode 133, 10/15/95

After going to a petting zoo, Lisa decides to stop eating meat to the befuddlement of Homer and Bart. Later, Homer hosts a barbecue, which Lisa not only objects to, but also ruins.

Quotes:

1
Jimmy: Uh, Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
Troy McClure: No, just ignorant.
2
Homer: This barbeque will be hard, thankless work, but I'm sure you're up to it, Marge.
Marge: Well, it could be a good chance to get to know our neighbors outside of a courtroom setting.
Homer: You know what you should serve Marge? More of these lamb chops; these are the best ever!
Marge: Why, thank you, Homie! You might say the secret ingredient is salt.
3
Troy: Come on, Jimmy. Let's take a peek at the killing floor.
(Jimmy gasps in horror.)
Troy: Don't let the name throw you, Jimmy. It's not really a floor; it's more of a steel grating that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.
4
Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: (sighs) Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products…
Bart: You dunking your sausages in that syrup, Homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning…
Marge: Tell him yourself; you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me; and secondly, I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uh, Dad? Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
5
Homer: Wait wait wait a minute Lisa, honey, are you saying that you're never going to eat any animal again? What about Bacon?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!!!
Homer: Yeah right Lisa, a wonderful, "magical" animal.

For five more cromulent episodes, click here.

The Epitome & Agony of Being a Lions Fan

The Detroit Lions belong in rehab. No; not the individual players or lone select members of the organization, rather the entire concept of the Lions as a whole. They’ve done more face plants and had enough embarrassing moments, it’s about time we stop fucking keeping track. Yet, somehow the Lions have still been given the support and trust from legions of devoted fans over the years only to leave us betrayed, year in and year out. I guess it’s our own fault as fans for actually believing things are going to change.

You can’t pinpoint one season, one era, one person, not even Matt Millen can be used as a scapegoat. Things got bad and things have gotten worse. However, how can we really say things were ever really that good before Millen arrived? If you’ve always been in an abusive relationship, with what can you compare the good times? That’s us folks, Lions fans in a nutshell.

This year things are supposed to be different, the attitude, the culture, the ideals…they’ve all turned over. Yeah sure, I’m supposed to fucking believe that?

In order to understand the root of this pessimism…we’ve got to back, way back. The year was 1991 and we were riding the wave of emotion with the support of Mike Utley and the “Thumbs Up” slogan. In what could be argued as the best single season for the organization they ripped off a 38-6 drumming of the Dallas Cowboys in the NFC divisional playoffs.

The following weekend they went up the RFK where Mark “fucking” Rypien and the Redskins lit them up to a tune of 41-10. That was as close as the Lions have gotten or will ever get to the Superbowl and I’ve long since come to grips with that, which is fine. Coincidentally enough, that one playoff win was and is the lone playoff win in the past 50 years for the Detroit Lions. Yes, right on par with the Arizona Cardinals for playoff win futility...no fucking joke.

And as of today the Lions are nearing a 9 year hiatus from the playoffs. Their last appearance was well before Millen was sworn into office and it resulted in a 27-13 ass smash by whom else, but the Redskins. Before that, in 1997 their playoff game against Tampa Bay ended with Frank Reich spiking the ball on 4th down in Tampa territory down by 10, less than two minutes to play. A heads up play to stop the clock; fucking morons.

The Lions as an organization have always been run on incompetence. Bobby Ross was arguably the last legitimate coach we’ve had, but he couldn’t take it anymore and simply walked out on the team midway through a season. He was replaced by local drunk, Gary Moeller. He wasn’t good enough so they brought on the tag team of Millen and Morningwheg.

Marty Morningwheg etched his way into the coaching elite when he guided a near playoff team the previous year (8-8) to the brink of going winless in his first year as a head coach. And who could ever forget his decision to take the wind instead of the fucking ball in overtime on the road against the Bears? I mean the Lions were only on a 2 year “ROAD” losing streak.

It makes you wonder…were things all that bad with Wayne Fontes at the helm? I mean, Wayne had a heart like a Lion and they had to keep him around because of that. Of course, he would mainly spend practices riding around in a Golf Cart and talking to his bookie on a cell phone. Anyhow, his smile and game face were fucking priceless. He had no clue what the hell he was doing out there, but nonetheless he was Detroit’s blue Collar hero.

The Cocaine Wayne era saw its share of ups and downs. Of course, none more memorable than the 1995 season; when the Lions made us all believers for a brief moment only to crush our spirits, yet again.

After starting out a sub-par season at 3-6 it seemed the Lions were once again doomed and destined to be a failure. This would inevitably mark the end of the Wayne Fontes era in Detroit. However, something happened. The big lumbering drunk of a QB, Scott Mitchell caught lightning in a bottle and with the aid of Barry Sanders, Brett Perriman, Herman Moore and Johnnie Morton…the Lions were a fucking juggernaut.

Amidst a 7 game winning streak they headed to Philadelphia for a wildcard showdown, where they were actually favorites. Everything seemed so right, as if for once the Gods of Karma were looking down on the Honolulu Blue and Silver. Perhaps, we all let the wins go to our head and even carried an heir of confidence on our shoulders about this team. Why? I will never know.

As the game approached, Big Lomas Brown decided it was the ideal time to trash talk…just a little. Talk about a fucking jinx, did he forget the city, the organization, the history? He was quoted on TV and in the papers as guaranteeing a victory over former Lions QB Rodney Pete and his new team the Philadelphia Eagles. And this was done in no joking manner; the team was reading into the press clippings.

This would have been a great moment in Detroit to run Public Service Ads showing a clip from "Friday the 13th", with crazy Ralph riding his bicycle around and warning all the campers “You’re all doomed. DOOMED!” We should have known the same thing that happened to those teenagers was going to happen to the Lions. Perhaps, we were all a little naïve.

DEC. 30th 1995

Things really weren’t going that bad; I mean it was 7-7 midway through the first quarter. Follow that up with 31 unanswered 2nd quarter points from the Eagles to pile on a 38-7 halftime lead. It got really comical after Scott Mitchell’s last of 4 first half interceptions was taken to the house by Barry Wilburn. I remember a quote from the Detroit Free Press that went something like the following:

“Mitchell stormed the sidelines after his 5th turnover of the game (4 INT’s and a fumble). He was benched in the 2nd quarter and threw his helmet down the sidelines behind the Lions bench. It was clearly his best toss of the game.”

With less than 20 seconds to go in the first half and the Eagles just past mid-field, Fontes prepared the team to head into the tunnel and perhaps, check on getting an early flight home. As the Lions got midway into the tunnel, the Eagles called a timeout and brought the Lions back on the field. Rodney Pete lofted a 43 yard “Hail Mary” in the end-zone to Rob Carpenter. Check mate, humiliation, ball game.

Lion fans will never forget the Philly massacre, nor will they ever remember that the Lions actually scored 37 points in a road playoff game. We were used to being shut out. Did it matter? No, they were behind 51-7 in the 3rd; the humiliation had already taken place. The final score was 58-37; Egg and Shame all over our faces yet again. Another failed season and another strike against optimism.

To this day, those are just a few of the shameful experiences that hold Lions fans back from fully believing in this team. And to think, I hardly even touched on Matt Millen all that much. You see, he really isn’t the full brunt of the blame…now is he? There is so much more to a storied history of embarrassment, failed opportunities, wasting Barry Sanders career, etc.

I’ll give you a few more names to cast some stones at: Eric Hipple, Rusty Hilger, Stoney Case, Dave Kreig, Gus Frerotte, Matt Blundin, Rodney Peete, Frank Reich, Erik Kramer, Scott Mitchell, Don Majikowski, Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, Bob Gagliano, Joey Harrington, Charlie Batch, Mike McMahon, Jeff Garcia…did I forget anyone?

Anyone recall when Scott Mitchell got bombed and dressed up like Wayne Fontes and made an ass of himself on national TV? Yet, Mitchell will most be remembered for his last play in a Lions uniform when on a 4th and 1 against Tampa in the playoffs; he called an audible for a naked bootleg. Of course, he lost 3 yards on the play and the Lions lost the game. He faked an injury to leave the game and was spotted heavily overserved at a Tampa nightclub and later a strip bar. What a pile of shit.

And so we march into yet another season with a questionable QB at the helm, Jon Kitna. It’s another season with Millen and another “iffy” coach in Rod Marinelli.

It’s the same song and dance that it’s always been for the Lions. If we as fans think it’s been terrible for the past 5 years, we need think again. It hasn’t been all the pleasant for a long time and with the exception of Barry Sanders it may never have been too memorable. Alas, we can’t keep harping on the past and can only hope eminent change is due our way. Fortunately, for Lions fans we always know after the first few weeks what to expect all season.

That is just how it is when you deal with the epitome and agony of mediocrity that is…the Detroit Lions.

The Wishbone Versus the Cover 2

As college football continues to emulate the NFL more so every year, it would be safe to assume that college teams will increasingly implement the Cover 2 defense. While the cover 2 is all but omnipresent in the NFL, it has not spread as widely in college. When it does, it is sure to wreak havoc on opposing offenses, as it did and continues to do in the NFL.

Certainly, defensive masterminds - like Nick Saban when he was at LSU and Pete Carroll at USC - with NFL experience have already moved in this direction. Still, many coaches prefer the more traditional defenses with blitz packages to fortify the pass rush and man-to-man coverage. As this evolution occurs, it will be imperative for opposing offenses to make adjustments to exploit the weaknesses of the package.

To clarify the Cover 2 defense, here is a quick synopsis. The name “Cover 2” comes from the fact that the two safeties are essentially responsible for covering the deep two hemispheres of the field (with the exception of deep outside routes, which are typically the responsibility of the CB). The cornerbacks are primarily responsible for jamming the receivers at the line of scrimmage, maintaining their zones (essentially the 1/5 of the field where they lineup), and the outside deep route. A key difference to the traditional defensive sets, the 3 linebackers don with a heavy burden. They have pass coverage responsibilities over the middle in their respective 1/5 zones. Thus, the linebackers have to be exceptionally quick on their feet to cover a significant amount of the field in coverage while maintaining honesty to their run duties. The other big difference is that the defensive line is responsible for the pass rush, without the help of blitz packages. Thus, they are responsible for getting to the quarterback on every passing down – and there are only 4 of them.

Source

Since more college teams will likely migrate toward the Cover-2, offenses need a counter attack. As were many NFL offenses when the Cover-2 was new, offenses are frequently stifled in their regular attacks. It’s time to jam the ‘bone down their throats (couldn’t resist at least one bone joke).

The key criticism of the Cover 2 is its susceptibility to the run. So, why not counter attack it with the most dominating run formation, the one with four threats to run the ball? The Wishbone. Plus, there is a tight end to fortify the line or provide an outlet for short passes. I suspect that lining up with the three running backs and a tight end to run right at the Cover 2 will cause the defense to audible and ultimately avoid the Cover 2. Essentially, the undersized linebackers and defensive linemen would be at a disadvantage against the heavy offensive set.

Unlike the pro game, the running quarterback is still very much a big part of college football. The wishbone gives the QB a viable shot at big plays on the ground without dealing with the complexities of setting up for a pass and scrambling, often via the triple option (think EA NCAA Football).

Additionally, the stacked backfield provides a cushion to pick up the pass rush should the offense opt to throw. Granted, the only options are 1 receiver, the tight end, and the running backs, but remember that this offense assumes that the quarterback can run, so spreading the field against the Cover 2 could conceivably open up some lanes for the QB to break out. Certainly, this would not be a regular passing formation, since the options are so limited, but it might not be a bad option to throw in from time to time. Essentially, we’re talking about an improvised quarterback draw or screen passes to the running backs.

The criticisms of the wishbone certainly hold weight in this argument. Importantly, when using the QB as a key weapon in the running game, he is arguably more susceptible to injury. Even worse, he will likely be labeled a “running quarterback.” Quarterbacks want nothing to do with this dreaded tag anymore as it significantly deflate their stock price for the NFL. Also, wide receivers do not like playing for a “run first” offense, because it A) reduces their looks and B) forces them to block on a regular basis. Thus, this brainchild definitely has flaws, particularly in limiting recruiting potential.

Nevertheless, while defenses modernize their defenses to the Cover 2, a unique solution for offenses could be to go retro and take it back to the nitty gritty football of the 1960s (thanks Omar). Certainly, this will not work on every down and the personnel would have to be just right, but it might just work from time to time. Besides, if it doesn’t, at least it provides endless amusement in the form of ‘bone comedy.

Additional Source: Athlon Sports NFL Preview

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #5

We are still rolling along. If we were a pitcher we'd be cruising along in the 5th with a pitch count just under 60. And there is a lot left in the tank...let's get onto Round #5 of "the Ghosts are giving every tip of their ideal draft away." Good thing you're paying attention.

57. Jamal Lewis – Proceed with a lot, and I mean a lot of caution. Not a whole lot of positives going on here and that’s not just referencing the big man’s surroundings. He suck-suck-suckitty-sucked-sucked the past few seasons. This is his last chance to be viable in Fantasy Football.

58. Warrick Dunn – The little engine that could just keeps chugging along. He’s a low risk pick, as you hope he can still hold off Norwood as the feature for a little while longer.

59. Tony Gonzalez – He seemed to click with Huard as his QB last season and if you can really come up with a counter argument as to why he shouldn’t be in the Top TE class again this season…I’m all ears.

60. Plaxico Burress – Sparty on my man. Sparty on. Still waiting to see the Plaxico that went off on Michigan for 255 yards back in 1999. Ups and Downs is the best description of Plaxico and his success is linked to an UP and DOWN QB, so do with that what you will.

61. Fred Taylor – I believe this is the 2nd RB Tandem off the board…is it not? The Fragile one has been mighty healthy these past two years and back to this whole notion about not being that “high” on MJD…leads me to give Taylor a semblance of value in this slot.

62. Laveranues Coles – It’s hard to be optimistic with a QB like “Hanging Chad.” Then again, I am leaning on the notion that this is the year the starting WR becomes an equal asset to the starting RB in Fantasy Football and here is the #1 guy on his team.

63. Tatum Bell – Early reports out of Detroit indicate that KJ’s ankle ain’t coming along as expected. Sure, this guy will give you headaches from time to time, but when he gets it going…it will piss off your opponents when they realize they are getting squashed by Tatum “effing” Bell.

64. Reggie Brown – Provided Kevin Curtis doesn’t catch the “love” eye of McNabb (big if) this could be one of the more prolific WR’s in the league. A healthy McNabb is good for about 30 TD’s, so one can only imagine what it’d be like for his #1 target right? Hmmm, this dude can't be a sleeper, but...

65. Calvin Johnson – He is going to be special. And somebody is going to snag him sooner than this and they are going to be very happy.

66. Ladell Betts – Just waiting for that typical Portis injury or suspension for being linked to Dog Fights on the back roads of Mississippi. Either way, this should be a timeshare with Betts being the change of pace and probably goal-line RB. Reminds me of Holmes and LJ a few years ago.

67. Santana Moss – Ride or Die here. Moss can be the biggest tease in the game, unstoppable one game and a disappearing act the next. The choice is in your hands.

68. Chris Cooley – And thus, we’ve completed our string of Redskin players who figure to be prolific one week and duds the next. I’m still giving thanks to Cooley’s epic 3 TD performance in 2005, which coincided with Round 1 of my Fantasy Playoffs.

69. Joey Galloway – He is still the #1 WR on what figures to be a completely awful team. Yet, if he could make it work with Simms on Gardowksi…it should work with Garcia. Not a bad find this late, not a bad find at all.

70. Marion Barber III – If the hunch we’re giving on Julius Jones is wrong, this becomes the steal of the draft.

The Dweebs Get All The Leads

Editors Note: This post originally ran Epic Carnival over the weekend. Since we're pretty lazy, we're probably gonna rerun some of our posts from EC on delay from time to time (i.e., most of them).

Having read a couple of previews of George Clooney’s upcoming football feature, Leatherheads, the signs look positive for a pretty decent sports movie release in the not-too-distant future. Clooney co-wrote, directed, and stars in the upcoming moving picture alongside the Office’s, John Krasinski. While I was a little skeptical of Clooney as a believable football coach, I was a lot skeptical of Krasinski as a player… at first. Do not be mistaken, I love Krasinki as Jim in the Office, but he strikes me as a big metrosexual, rather than a hard nosed ball player. Then it dawned on me. They always put dweeby guys in lead roles for football movies. We decided to take a little look back in time at the long list of total weenies that we have watched - and oddly, believed could - perform on-the-field heroics. Somewhere in Hollywood, there are some fat cats laughing, because they are playing a game of “can you top this one?” Let’s take a look at some examples.

Tom Cruise as Stefen Djordjevic in “All the Right Moves”

It’s extremely challenging to take Cruise seriously in football pads, but sometimes you’ve gotta just roll with it. It grows to colossal levels of comedy when you see the 5’1” Cruise all geared up and ready to play football. Dude was a brash bad ass mofro in this movie, which made me laugh even harder. The pads are half the size of his whole body. Isn’t that the same dude who was dancing to Seager in his undies? This high end drama saw Stefen’s (Cruise) dreams of football glory shattered, as he was framed and kicked off the football team. His ticket to escape the confines of his small town expired. As far fetched as the role seemed, Cruise didn’t let us down. And of note, we got to see Emma Thompson’s tits…oh, Mrs. McFly.

This has very minimal relevance, but this seemed a good time for the quote from Stripes. “I like fast cars and I like fast women, that’s why the guys in my car club call me the Cruiser.”

Robin Williams as Jack Dundee in “Best of Times”

On my short list of “cheesy feel good” movies of which I can’t deny being a sucker, it’s the ideal “underdog wins” plot, but with a twist. Dundee (Williams) lures his high school buddy and quarterback hero Reno Hightower (Kurt Russell) into playing a re-match of high school football they lost 13 years ago. Dundee pulls out ever trick in the book to get Reno hooked into the concept of the re-match. In the most ridiculous of endings, Dundee after getting rocked the entire game breaks free for a miracle bobble and catch 80 something yard TD for the win. This film took place full on during the Williams-on-coke era and seeing Mork in football pads and coffee house glasses…um, it’s a treat.

James Van Der Beek as Mox in “Varsity Blues”

This is embarrassing. There is no way that Dawson should pull one over on us as a legitimate quarterback, but let’s face it, this movie rules. Mox gets the call to start for the varsity team, when the BMOC, goes down with an injury. Complete with his Dawsonesque emotional meltdowns, Mox isn’t sure he can handle the pressure of the big time… not to mention Ali Larter lubed up with the famous Cool Whip bikini. Well, Van Der Beek may have infuriated audiences by running out on Ali Larter, but he delivered in his role as this is one of the better modern football movies out there. Besides, I guess you can’t really blame him for hitting the abort button on Larter when he already had Amy Smart by his side.

Brendan Fraser as David Greene in “School Ties”

Ah, the old Jew at a prep school makes friends, stars on the football team, hides religion, gets caught, gets exiled, and overcomes adversity plot. It’s one of my favorites. Brendan Fraser is another giant weenie in a football role. He looks big enough and physical enough, but how many times have we seen him do that awful puppy dog emotional role (think the scared little overachiever who lost his precious thesis paper in With Honors). Why didn’t you make a copy or save your work you dumbass? Plus, this is the guy from Bedazzled and George of the Jungle. You can’t just shake roles like that out of your memory and convince yourself this guy belongs on a football field. It’s ingrained in your brain forever.

Keanu Reeves as Shane Falco in the "Replacements" and/or Johnny Utah in "Point Break"

Hold still, you’ll just feel a little prick. This won’t hurt a bit. “Pain heals, Chicks dig scars. Glory… lasts for ever.”

Owwwwwwwww, god damns it. You said that wasn’t going to hurt, you bastard.

Somewhere a casting director loves the idea of Keanu Reeves as a washed up ex-college football star. Maybe it was that inspired role in Parenthood where he drives the funny car into a wall. I can’t really say for sure, but something just says, “Keanu Reeves - burnt out quarterback extraordinaire.” Nevertheless, Reeves is a lock for a terrible performance that is bizarrely entertaining. The best part about Keanu’s weenie factor is that he looks so amazingly weird in pads. Of this whole list, this is the one role that is actually entirely unbelievable.

Cuba Gooding Jr. as Rod Tidwell in "Jerry McGuire"

I guess at the time, this was a decent choice, since we had no idea what Cuba had in store for us. Fast forward ten years and the guy did Boat Trip. I think it goes without saying his career as a tough guy was short lived. Besides Boat Trip, he has delivered us Snow Dogs, the Fighting Temptations, and Norbit. Go ahead and fly that freak flag, Cuba. And let's not forget about his role in "Radio"... OK, we are going to hell.

Scott Bakula as Paul Blake in “Necessary Roughness”

Talk about a 2 foot putt being a gimme…and that’s what it’s like saying this is the biggest “dweeb” cast as a lead in a football film, ever. Hands down this is a lock. We are supposed to believe that Mr. Quantum Leap himself can lead a team of outcasts back to relevance at age 34? Amazing story. Thank the lord that Kathy Ireland showed up to save the day.

Craig Sheffer as Joe Kane in “The Program”

This dude kind of fell off the map after starring as the confused borderline alcoholic Joe Kane in “The Program.” And to be fair, he probably wasn’t the most awkward looking guy to don football pads and a helmet. Still though, we are tallying the dweeb count and he notches a vote. Plus, this gives us a chance to praise Lattimer, we love that guy.

Anthony Michael Hall as Johnny Walker in "Johnny Be Good"

Fresh off his role as the original "neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie" in the Breakfast Club, Anthony Michael Hall turned a complete 180 degree reversal into the BMOC in Johnny Be Good. Anthony Michael Hall actually plays this role perfectly and makes us all wish we were getting recruited t play college ball. Plus, never before have movie audiences been awed by the hang time of punt. I always felt punt hang time was the real measure of a man, A true 80's icon, AMH is the king of the brat pack and this is one of his finest roles to of them all. Johnny Be Good flies under the radar as a classic sports movie, but give it a second look. It is as fun and as funny today as it was in 1988. Hats off to the king of the 80s. Nothing but love for you brotha.

Honorable mentions: Omar Epps as Darnell Jefferson “The Program” and Corey Haim as Lucas in, well "Lucas"

DNA Tests Confirm Third Allman Brother

Red Rocks, Colorado

Thought for years to be only a myth, a third long-lost Allman Brother was discovered in Colorado on June 23rd. James “Jimmy” Herring was performing with the band, Widespread Panic, when Judy Rasmussen, a close friend of Geraldine "Mama A" Allman, the mother to Duane and Gregg Allman, noticed a striking similarity to the other Allmans. She approached Mr. Herring to speak of his lineage and it was soon discovered that his parents disappeared shortly after his birth –leaving him a burrito stand at the age of 3. Shortly thereafter, Rasmussen’s suspicions were confirmed that Herring is in fact an Allman Brother.

Rasmussen commented, “I thought he looked an awful lot like Gregg, but what really ticked my curiosity was his guitar solo on Airplane. He plays a mean lead, reminds me of Duane a little.”

Jimmy Herring has been raising eyebrows as his addition to Widespread Panic two years ago has pulled the band out of rough times, following the death of guitar player, Michael Houser. The band attempted a few different guitar players since Houser's death, including guitar prodigy, Derek Trucks. This would technically make Herring Derek Truck’s “uncle.” You know, not a real uncle, but you call him uncle cause he’s cool and he’s good friends with your dad.

Fans of the jamband scene are speculating that Widespread Panic is playing well enough to finally inherit the long-standing seat on the jam throne left vacant by the breakup of Phish. I think I am ready to agree, but see for yourself.

This is the “Airplane” performed at the Red Rocks show that led to the discovery of that Herring was the third Allman. It’s the second to the last song of the first set, so I would imagine the sun is going down and the crowd is good and drunk at the greatest venue in the world.

Is it time to pass the torch?????

If you don’t have 14 minutes to burn, here are a couple short cuts.

Goosebump Alert – 5:15 (Give yourself about 20 seconds to lead up to it)
Narsty Funk – 11:40

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No Sense Beating Around The Bush

What's Playing on Greg Oden's iPod?

Back up in your ass with another installment of the iPod athlete mix. And this week it's none other than the #1 pick in the NBA Draft, Greg Oden. We found some pretty intriguing selections from the big fella. For those special occasions, Greg busts out his "Soul Down" playlist. And we were more than happy to (fictionally) take a look-see.

Mr. Oden has some classics from the golden era of Soul/R&B, as well as the birth of Rap and Hip-Hop. And he very well should...wasn't this the era he grew up in? Yes, we know...not another shameless joke geared at the age of Greg Oden. Yup, the joke is old and we know Greg is old. So, this is it...we promise to move on, but let's explore that playlist first. Shall we? Follow me...

Somebody's Watching Me - Rockwell: This track takes Oden all the way back to High School. This was the jam and he still can't believe this was just a one hit wonder. Regardless, it's always kindles up the memories of yesteryear. And he's got no qualms about cutting a rug when this hits the earbuds.

Easy - The Commodores: A relaxing track that is used for pre-game serenity. Greg was still a young lad when this hit the airwaves, but he knew it would always bring out his inner calm.

Peter Piper - Run D.M.C: Man this was the shit back in the day. The first true taste of Hip-Hop Oden ever got at the ripe age of 17. This was gold, like getting that first taste of poontang. It was a groundbreaking find for young Greg.

Always and Forever - Al Green: A little something for the ladies. If it ain't a Barry White serenade than it fucking better be Al Green.

September - Earth, Wind and Fire: Everyone has a little cheese dick in them. And if anything this helps to show Greg Oden isn't a statue. He has never been afraid to sing along: "ah eh ya...dancin' in September...ah eh ya!"

Double Dutch Bus - Frankie Smith: The birth of "izzle and shizzle" speak. And as popular as it's become today...Oden was on board the double dizzle bizzle way back when.

Eric B for President - Eric B. And Rakim: Dude lost his virginity to this track back in '87...so it's always gonna have some sentimental value for the Big man.

What's Up Doc? (Can We Rock) - Fu-Schnickens: A little more in the modern era of Rap for Greg, but this is his hat tip to Shaq-Fu. He knows the big fella is looking for him and he wants to understand just what the Diesel means when he says: "I'm the hooper, the hyper. Protected by Viper. When I rock the hoop yo, you'd better decipher. In other words you'd better make a funky decision - 'cause I'm a be a Shaq knife, and cut you with precision."

Karma Chameleon - Culture Club: Look, Greg wants you to know he's not at all gay and that's cool if that's your preference. He just likes to dance this recognizably gay song, that is all...OK?

I Just Called to Say - Stevie Wonder: Beneath that rugged exterior is the soul of a man. Greg Oden is a lover ladies and gents. This is the song to get his swerve on...if you get my drift. And it always chokes the big fella up...just a little.

Rapper's Delight - Sugarhill Gang: Greg Oden was there when it all went down. Yup, the birth of Rap. And this little ditty brings he him back to the nostalgia.

Back to the Hotel - N2Deep: Direct qoute from Oden himself: "These mutha fucka's is white? Nah?"

Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel: Greg Oden keeps this tune on the iPod for when he's riding in the car with his moms, Mrs. Robinson. You see, it's a little known fact that Greg Oden actually IS David Robinson. David Robinson IS Greg Oden. You've all been duped. And I've been trying so hard to squeeze some life out this joke, you can call me the Juiceman. Speaking of the Juiceman, they look kind of alike.

Where the Surf Meets the Turf...

...down at Old Del Mar. 'Twas Opening Day yesterday at the Del Mar Race Track (nestled in the Northern County of San Diego) and I was on hand to take in the extravaganza. As always, Del Mar was not a disappointment and even though my pockets suffered quite a bit...it's always a pleasure to be around the ponies.

Of course, I carried along the old digital to snap a few pics and try to provide some semblance of a story line. However, that seems to be nearly impossible to do when your main purpose is to 1) gamble on every race 2) lose most of your money and 3) indulge in as many $8 Beers as possible. Yet, we all had fun now anyway...didn't we? Follow along the story...if you can.

Not a bad view on the walk in, huh?

Pandemonium up ahead.

The distinguished Turf Club, I was...NOT a guest.

A reminder that my horse didn't place...fuck!!!

About an hour wait and $8 later you had yourself a cold Coors Light!

Isn't she a beauty?

The Lovely Ladies.

Next year, I'm sitting in the infield.

Had to take a snap of the celebration for one of the few races I won...right?

The Degenerate Phamplet.

Yes, that is the Bachelorette Meredith Phillips with the Turd. She did promise us each a Rose.

Obviously the Father's ONLY vice.

Sunset time...Shut it down.

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #4

And you thought we forgot about this Fantasy Mock Draft? Dead serious...we are going all 14 rounds. Book it. Let's get back down to buisness...shall we?

43. Marc Bulger - He's probably the last of the "upper tier" QB's you can find on the board. And he is often times just as consistent as the Big 2, but usually it goes without notice. He's loaded with weapons this year and should, yet again flourish.

44. DeAngelo Williams - Be leery all you want, but I'm fully on board with the D-Train breaking out this season. Forget DeShaun Foster...he can go put an ice pack on his swollen mangina.

45. Ahman Green - Getting back to the whole notion that starting RB's are still and will always be a commodity in Fantasy Football. Isn't that great value...getting a guy who will probably tote the rock 20 times (at least) per game at #45?

46. Andre Johnson - He was on the cusp of being the best WR in Fantasy Football last year and look what he had around him? Had he been able to get in the endzone a few more times, provided his team wasn't so lousy...he'd be plastered all over the Top WR category. Proceed with caution, but he's got all the TUP you could ever want.

47. Julius "Juice" Jones - Early rumors have Julius once again being the main feature in Dallas. Speed kills. And Marion Barber just ain't got the speed to handle the full experience in Big D. Now if only Julius wouldn't have all his goal line attempts pillaged by Barber...we'd be talking about a serious breakout season. Watch this closely.

48. Adrian Peterson - Just because.

49. Donald Driver - Every year he slips further down the draft board, but just keeps bringing it. Is his success tied to Favre? Not sure, but we are back to talking about "value" when you can snag a Driver near the #50 marker.

50. Jon Kitna - Ok, seriously...this is where he should go. This smells a lot like the hype that was around Kerry Collins a few years ago. The "proceed with caution" tag should be stamped all over this guy. He could rifle 30 plus TD's, but also expect 30-40 INT's. Your call, your gamble...not mine.

51. Hines Ward - Yup, he's still got it...I think. He's that bland WR that always gives you decent production in the #2 spot. Long past being a #1 though.

52. Lee Evans - Does he finally emerge as the CONSISTENT #1 this year? We know he can drop 3 TD's in one game, but does he give the goose egg the next? His team is pretty shotty...so where does that leave him? Too many questions and not enough answers for me.

53. Todd Heap - He's the 2nd TE coming off the board. Really? I guess that works.

54. Tony Romo - Drew Bledsoe would NEVER have been drafted this late if he were still playing football. People are suspicious of Homo's utter bed crapping down the stretch last season.

55. Vince Young - Yup, this is a big nod for a guy basically playing with poop for an offense. However, if Vick could be a big time producer last season...why can't VY?

56. Braylon Edwards - Coin Flip pick...again. Yet, I'm smelling a breakout. I'm pretty "high" on this guy for all the right reasons. He looked poised and ready for success in his brief interview on ESPN News the other day...sold me.

One Timers: Michigan Football Edition

Can a Michigan quarterback ever be seriously considered for the Heisman Trophy? I’m asking, because I saw something from Chad Henne in the Rose Bowl shellacking from USC – other than the 6 sacks. He is one of the best pocket passers I can remember at the college level. While most people would probably focus on the fact that USC took him to the dirt 6 times, I noticed that he maintained his composure in the pocket throughout the game and delivered numerous strikes with huge hits imminent just a split second later (309 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT). Simply put, he played a solid game, despite tremendous pressure from USC. So, Mike Hart is drawing attention as a legitimate Heisman hopeful, but why not Henne? I would call him the best quarterback to come out of Michigan in the last 20 years. He looks a lot better than Tom Brady did at this level, not to mention Brian Griese, Jim McMahon, and Elvis Grbac, all whom enjoyed some level of success at the NFL level. Plus, he will be working with one of the most talented wide receivers corps in the country, most notable “Super Mario” Manningham (Manningham Steamroller is in contention for a fantasy name this season), so the stats should be there for Henne. Despite Michigan’s so-called run-first mentality, Henne is a legitimate pure quarterback with a strong arm and dominating weapons. Isn’t he worth a look for the Heisman?

Is Michigan’s defense a legitimate question mark this season? Sure, the Wolverines lost a number of key players in Alan Branch, LaMarr Woodley, David Harris and Leon Hall to the draft and graduation, but we hear about this question mark year-in, year-out. That’s the way it is in college football and the great programs consistently adapt to the changing personnel. We know that Michigan has a great defensive coordinator in Ron English and is returning with solid veteran defensive backfield. Last year the defense was questioned in the preseason as well and by the end of the season, people were cracking jokes that they could stop some of the weaker NFL teams and calling them the best defense of the generation. What the sports media refers to as “holes” in the defense, I would refer to “openings.” There will always be plenty of young talent in the program, so come week two; I expect everyone will be back on the Michigan defense bandwagon.

Are Lloyd Carr’s balls under the guillotine again? Unfortunately, I think so. He’s in one of the toughest positions for a college coach. He has all the talent, all the expectations, the preseason hype, and nowhere to go but down. The alumni and fans want nothing less than a national championship from this team, so any disappointment will certainly fall in Carr’s lap. Fortunately, Michigan’s athletic director, Bill Martin, seems more rational and will doubtfully do anything rash like firing Carr. Since receiving harsh criticism about his playbook, Carr has opened up the playbook and utilized his weapons more effectively, establishing a legitimate big play threat. If the Wolverines do not at least make a BCS Bowl this season, expect to hear a lot of talk about Carr’s future, but I suspect it will be just that… talk.

Lastly, there is a legitimate reason to watch the blowouts this season. The Wolverines have a phenomenal freshman quarterback by the name of Ryan Mallett and I really hope to catch some early looks at him late in some of the weaker games this season. Mallett looks like the real deal and is expected to be the future of the offense after Chad Henne departs after this season. A 6’7” strong armed pocket passer, Mallett is drawing a lot of praise as the next star QB to come out of Ann Arbor. Mallett made waves earlier this year when he caught a bout of homesickness and seriously considered a transfer closer to home (Texarkana, TX). Fortunately for Michigan fans, Mallett decided to gut it out and stay put in Ann Arbor. Sound familiar? Shit, I lived in my dorm at U of M with 2 high school friends just 2 hours from where I grew up and still wanted to get the hell out of there many times. Thank goodness for 40s, bad herb, and Pink Floyd, The Wall (Not for you though, Ryan). Anyway, Mallett has a great website where fans like yours truly can keep abreast on his progress. I’m sure the Ohio State websites will have a field day with this, but we got your back, Ryan.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Rupert is a celebrity these days...fresh off becoming engaged. A big hand clap for him on that note!!! Anyhow, worth plugging is our recent contribution to the "Desert Island" Series better known as "Sitting in Limbo" from the good fella's at "Brahsome." If you aren't following this series or their site in general...I'd suggest checking them out.

As part of a devotion to the void left by LOST, it's all about compiling a list of 10 albums that you couldn't live without on a Desert Island. Tune into the series on a regular basis at Brahsome for the specific details. For now, here is Rupert's and my entry.

FOMC Meeting: Second Quarter Blogosphere Review

Federal Reserve Chairman, Benjamin Bernanke, spoke with the Federal Reserve Board on Monday to discuss the overall state of the union in the blogosphere. According to the meeting minutes, Bernanke appears comfortable with the level of overall blog growth, although overexpansion remains a concern. Bernanke explained, “At this point, the blogosphere, particularly in the sports demographic, is growing at a controlled pace. Any future intervention from the FOMC will be dependent on forthcoming data.”

The meeting highlighted several contributors and detractors to overall growth in the 2nd quarter as well as trends that are expected to persist throughout 2007.

Barry Bonds – As Bonds approaches Hank Aaron’s home run record, we expect to see an uptick in Barry Bonds support posts. Everyone has bashed on Barry Bonds since his head began attracting orbiting moons, but we fully expect an increase in hat tips to the effect of, “Whether or not Bonds used performance enhancing drugs, 755 home runs is an amazing accomplishment. Congratulations Barry.”

Another area of growth throughout the quarter was witty diatribes about the rules of sports blogging, how to start a sports blog, wish lists for the direction of sports blogging, or commentary on the state of linkage other sports blogs (no comment). Commensurate with our overall expectations for growth in the realm of sports blogs, we fully expect this trend to continue throughout the year.

Fantasy Football related activity was also a key driver in the 2nd quarter. A seasonal contributor to growth every summer, the fantasy football community creates and absorbs massive amounts of information such as mock drafts, tips for draft day rituals, and fantasy team names.

Music related post activity saw a slight uptick in Q2 – a trend we hope will continue to drive the Sphere throughout 2007.


We expect a to witness surge of Hermione Granger (a.k.a., Emma Watson) related activity in Q3 as she is getting cuter by the day and closing in on legal. The smart money will tell you that cute, young girls are always a safe bet on the sports blogs.

The blog “it” girls of the 2nd quarter were Allison Stokke, Natalie Gulbis, Megan Fox, and Amanda Beard. A solid batch, but we do not see any real staying power here. Fox probably has the most potential, but the “stripper hot” ones never seem to last. Stokke is supposedly fielding calls from Nike, but we fully expect her to flame out as well.

Erin Andrews – Let’s face it, she is not that hot. Andrews’ stock has plummeted since her tech boom run-up in 2006. There’s nowhere to go but down for Erin.


Brady Quinn related activity remained strong, but we definitely saw a drop in reader interest levels. Apparently, the world can only stomach so much of the loveable weenie.


The nomenclature, “Blogosphere,” lost ground in the 2nd quarter as Blogfrican Americans, such as NOIS, pushed to bring it back to where it all began, “Blogfrica.”


Danica Patrick looks to be going the way of the one and only, Anna Kournikova. A cute face only buys you about two years of fame in the sports world. After that, it helps to win something.

Celebrating 10,000

"Celebrating 10,000". That was the slogan of a website riding the coattails of the ineptitude that is the Philadelphia Phillies. While tailgating for the game on Saturday that had the potential to be the Phils' 10,000th loss (it wasn't) guys were going around handing out fliers for a parade after the game. A parade. For a loss. Now don't get me wrong, my drunken self probably would have participated, but still. Is that what we, as Philadelphia sports fans, have stooped to? Parades for losing?

We did, after all, damn near throw a parade for a horse back in 2004, but not even Smarty Jones could come up big when it truly mattered.

We do, after all, root for our former stars after management decides to trade them away for 30 cents on the dollar because we know rooting for our own teams is a lost cause anyway. (Do you have any idea how many Nuggets fans there are in Philly now? Tons.)

And we do, after all, have roughly 12 years worth of high school graduates who either weren't alive or were too young to appreciate the city's last championship (1983).

Now I'm not looking for your sympathy. One of the guys who writes here is a Cleveland fan. If anyone deserves your sympathy, it's him. But I do want to dissect this whole 10,000 loss thing, which has gotten national attention because apparently nothing else is happening in the world of sports.

Here are some of the facts regarding the franchise with the most losses in American professional sports:

-They now have 10,001 losses, putting the roughly 1,200 games under .500.
-They have had 14 100-loss seasons, including 5 in a row at one point.
-They have had 2 100-win seasons.
-They have won 1 World Series, and lost 4.
-They have lost over 1,200 games to the Giants.
-They have existed for 125 years, which is as long or longer than just about any team in any sport.

It's that last one that interests me the most. 125 years is a long, long time. While the Phillies are indeed the first team to 10,000 losses, and while they have indeed been pretty damn bad forever, they took their sweet ass time getting to 10,000. Other teams will get there in less time, I can assure you of that. In fact, I think the Detroit Lions are on pace to reach the same milestone sometime in 2011, an astonishing feat for a team that only plays 16 games a year.

The thing is, as bad as the Phillies have been (especially in my lifetime, during which they have made the playoffs once in 23 years) they aren't the worst team in sports history, much like the media has made them out to be. They have had some great teams and some great players over the years, and don't really deserve all the flak they've been getting recently. I love them to death and I always will, even if they get to 20,000 losses before I'm dead. And I wouldn't trade being a Philly sports fan for being a fan of any other city, because when I finally do see that championship, it's going to be really, really fucking sweet.

But I still think we should have kept the A's.

The Olympics of Backyard Games

It's mid-summer and we thought, why not take the time to appreciate the essence of of it all? Yup, think about the perfect companion to those BBQ's, family gatherings, or those times when you are just flat out getting sloshed. We are talking about the forgotten "Backyard" Sports. You may see these games on sale at your local Target and do a double take, but usually you just pass them by.

Well, today we are asking they no longer be left on that shelf in the garage. And that's why we've created the Olympics of Backyard Sports. Shit, if we take the time to watch fishing, women's softball and/or poker...why would we not watch an event like this? Aren't these really indeed valuable fabrics of our society? Don't answer that.

Anyhow, we ask that you lather yourself up for some drinking and games. Here we go with our listing of the events. As always...your comments and event ideas, are welcomed below. Follow me...

Badminton - It's the original backyard game and we like to consider ourselves traditionalists, so here is our nod to Badminton. It's pretty basic, you set up a net just like volleyball. It's Tennis/Ping-Pong for the backyard if you will, except you hit a birdie (see photo) back and forth until someone can't get it over the net. For fuck sakes...you know that...do I really have to explain this game?

Lawn Darts (a.k.a Jarts) - Who needs a lawn? You can play Jarts in the sand if you so desire. All you need is a couple of targets (rings) and you aim darts at the target. Set the point structure and fire away. Not exactly, the most in-depth game on the shelves, but does that matter?

Lasso Golf (a.k.a Hillbilly Horseshoes) - This is the newest yard game sweeping the nation, as it's advertised. And take my word for it, they are dead on...it's addicting. The object of the game is to "lasso" a set of rubber golf balls (separated by a string) onto a ladder like structure strategically placed about 8-10 paces away. Fuck, that's confusing...see the picture below for a better understanding.
Disc Golf - Please remind yourself to NEVER associate the word "frisbee" with this sport. Both parties involved have longed to separate the entities. Although widely considered as a sport invented for hippies, it offers a cheaper and more relaxing alternative to regular golf. On the course you can actually smoke pot legally (I think). And check this out...they've got their own association. This shit is no joke; I love this game and a mandatory round is in order for these Olympics. Cornhole (a.k.a Bean Bag Toss) - For the name alone it makes the cut. This is the type of game that can be of the homemade variety. Just get a big piece of wood panel, cut a hole in it and then throw bean bags at the hole. Hence, the game was born after about 15 beers...meaning it's perfect for these Olympics.Bocce Ball - Come on...we all know this one. It's all about who can get their balls the closest to the Pallina. You can knock around the opponents balls all you'd like.

Whiffle Ball - Of the more traditional variety, but after a few beers it can always get interesting. The trick is do you play pitcher's mound is out or not? Also, if I may give a little recommendation to all of the 12 and under readers, go to home depot and buy a big green tarp to build a Green Monster. You will thank me.

Horseshoes - Essential.

Over the Line - The final and most prestigious event. This game was invented on the beautiful beaches of San Diego, CA. And if you want to see "ass and titties" well then you need to attend the annual tournament held every year at Fiesta Island in San Diego. It is what it is...a game that I'm not going to explain, read about it here.

Honorable Mention: Croquet, but we just felt there can't be a game where it's fitting to drink wine while you play.

Big Time News

Big news in the blogspohere today as well as here at the Ghosts of Wayne Fontes. First and foremost, we have been invited to join a new conglomeration of the best and brightest (and available) minds in sports blogging to form a new dominating powerhouse called Epic Carnival. We are thrilled about the opportunity to write for a website where people might remeber the name of it. We will be contributing on a regular basis, while balancing the act with our beloved Ghosts of Wayne Fontes. We have some stuff coming out later today around these parts, but for now, check out the new site. It's off to a stellar start. The press release is below along with a little extra news in the world of the GoWF at the very bottom.


At 7:00 a.m. ET on Monday, July 16, 2007 a new blog will enter our blogosphere. So now you're wondering, "What is this new blog about?" Well, what is the blog community? It's just that: A community. Unlike competitors in the mainstream media, blogs routinely share ideas, content, and offer up ways to supplement each other's efforts. When we looked around and saw very few blog networks that are truly networked, We said, "What can we do about this?"

EpicCarnival.com is designed to bring some of the more creative independent blogs together under a single umbrella. Call it a "Super Blog" if you will. As legendary philosopher Hilary Duff said, blog networks are "so yesterday." With writers from New York to California to even the UK, EpicCarnival.com will bring you some of the freshest, most diverse content you'll find on the Internet in one convenient location.

We're starting out this venture with writers from 34 authors from 28 blogs, all with diverse backgrounds and writing styles. If one of them doesn't find a way to entertain or inform you somewhere along the way, well then, you're just not trying.

Featuring the writers behind blogs such as Winning the Turnover Battle, 100% Injury Rate, Our Book of Scrap, the Blog of Hilarity, Shoutfan, Deuce of Davenport, Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog?, Babes Love Baseball and many, many more, EpicCarnival.com aims to bring daily, unfiltered content from some of the fastest growing voices on the Internet to make a Megazord of sorts. It is our collective hope that people visit EpicCarnival.com time and again and that each day we make their Internet viewing experience a little better than it was the day before. Come check it out!

In other news, Rupert Entwistle is engaged. Yup. I popped the question in Vermont over the weekend and sealed the deal. Send tons of cash and gifts as you see fit.

It's All About the Linkage

It's a Monday here at the Ghosts and after a long weekend...we are running on empty. The ESPY's aired last night and we took in what we could, but the show has really become just a cheaper version of the MTV Music Awards (in this man's opinion). However, we concede much love to you the fans who voted for "LT." The man was way overdue to get his props.

And one last thing before we move onto the links...if you are a Brewers fan...you had better look the fuck out. Here come the Chicago Cubs and they are going to catch you.

Moving on now, we're not about to consider this mailing it in. It's that time again to spread the love for some of the hits around this here internet from the past week or so. Many of you don't need the aid of our advice, nor would you actually care to heed to it, but anyhow here goes. As always, we promise to click on these links at least 50 times each so it does appear as though we generate massive traffic to these respective sites.

Probably, the most honestly hilarious post about the nature of "sports blogging" I've ever read. Mark me guilty. For those who fail to see the humor...stop taking yourself so serious, man. (My Brain Says Rage).

The All-Cereal Mascot team...our buddy over at "Gheorge the Blog" covered every possible detail. Couldn't think of who else to add. (Gheorge the Blog)

We love this idea. And we too can't wait for "LOST" to comeback as well, but this will fill in time just nicely. (PS: We are going to be dropping in a few contributions to this series). (Brahsome)

It's all about the Mariners, but any reference to "The Outsiders"...gets a nod from us. Greasers will be Greasers and Soc's will be Soc's. (Doberman on the Diamond)

Hank over at WTTOB has been a machine with some great posts as of late. He needs no HT from us, but this friggin' dog is so eye catching...you must see it. (Winning the Turnover Battle)

Midgets on a baseball field. Enough said. (Blog of Hilarity)

By now, you must have seen this...right? The All-Steroid team...genius. (Sons of Sam Malone)

And lastly, how could we forget our new venture. We've joined the allegiance of sports bloggers in forming the newest addition to the blogoshpere. Founded by our buddy Doug over at "Our Book of Scrap"...it's the (Epic Carnival).

We are just happy to a be part. Stick around...it's going to be good.

What is Playing On Brady Quinn's iPod?

This is a new feature here at the Ghosts that spawned as a bastard child to our slightly more serious music posts - the Mixed Tape collection. Anyway, from time to time, we'll catch up with our favorite athletes (well, theoretically that is) and let the world know what they are tuning into on their iPods.

For Brady Quinn it’s been an off-season where he can’t seem to keep himself away from a suspecting camera lens and/or constant internet ridicule. And so today, we’ve decided to jump in on the party while the music is still playing. And thus, we are scoping out Brady Quinn's “On-The-Go/Guilty Pleasures” playlist on his iPod. Needless to say, we were more than pleasantly surprised by the findings. Take a listen…

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) – R.E.M: If ever Brady gets his song of choice in the locker room, Browns players will be treated to this ditty. This is only selected after a win though and it’s a little victory cigar for B-Quinn to tune into as he showers with the other fellas. It also goes well as a shower sing-a-ling and a towel snapper on the bare butt cheeks of unsuspecting teammates. “That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn…”

Let's Hear It For The Boy, Deniece Williams: You know how a few years ago it was en vogue for football players to work on their dexterity by training in ballet dancing. Well, Brady really dug that whole idea and took it a step further. This Youtube clip highlights pretty much exactly what Brady Quinn does with his receivers every year. What you couldn't see in A.J. Hawk's wedding photos was Samardzija and Quinn performed this scene in its entirety. According our Cleveland insider, McBain, Brady Quinn and Kellen Winslow have been seen around town doing that chicken strut every day after practice.



Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson: Pure Gold. This is the song Brady would sing if he were ever on “Star Search” or now-a-days “American Idol.” He often practices the performance of his dreams shirtless in front of his own mirror, crotch grabs and all ladies. He’s even um, rumored to have, um…pleasured himself to this song while giving the “mean face” in the mirror. Now, that I guess really is talking to the man in the mirror. “If you want make the world a better place, take a look at yourself…and make that change.”

I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd: Now you may be thinking that this song is well before Brady Quinn’s time, but you have to understand the man is a musical connoisseur. Fittingly enough, he uses this as his “sexy time” track…even if that means sex without contact. Rumor has it he can make a woman or a gay man climax if they were to stare at his bare chest for longer than 2 minutes. And we wonder why he is known as man casserole?

Africa - Toto: Africa has always been in heavy rotation in Brady's shower repertoire. He loves to whisk hair back and kiss the rain, just like he too is in Africa. Rumor has it that he actually used his classic "kiss the rains down in Africa" pose in the recent article of Men's Health magazine. A source close to the male modeling world has indicated that "this pose is going to be big, like Blue Steel big."

Besides, who doesn’t love Toto? Don’t ask Brady Quinn, because he doesn’t want to hear that nonsense. This is also a staple of Brady’s private Myspace profile. To him, there is no such thing as an ubberly gay 80’s love ballad with a peppy beat. Music is simply music, and there are only two categories…good or bad. Guess where this fits on the B-Quinn grading system?

Every Rose has its Thorn - Poison: We all know Brady Quinn is a huge Bret Michaels fan. Yet, this one still always gets Brady where it hurts most - in the thorn wound. Bittersweet. This was on the first mixed tape he ever made for his long time crush in middle school. They used to dance at the sock hops and sway, as this became “their” song. Yet, I guess every rose does have its thorn, because she moved on and left Brady with a broken heart. He carries those memories with him everyday and uses it as motivation on the field.

Chains of Love - Erasure: Un-leashing the inner ubber-gayness from deep down.

Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves: This is Brady’s “TGIF” song. He usually tunes the iPod on the FM dial and rolls the windows down once he leaves the Browns Summer practice facility. Once he vanishes from the parking lot, he wildly immerses himself in this 80’s classic (hand motions and all). He was seen humming this tune with his Earbuds on just after the Browns drafted him. And he’s never been shy about singing-a-long: “I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh! I'm walking on sunshine, oh oh! And don't it feel good!”

Down Under - Men at Work: Ever since we heard what Brady Quinn thought a "giving a vegemite sandwich" meant, we're sort of weirded out by this one.

YMCA - The Village People: Look, if you feed me in the paint, I'm gonna lay it in.

Everybody (Backstreet's Back) – Backstreet Boys: This is war music. Most people prefer Metallica, maybe System of a Down, Korn…etc…something loud, heavy and full of adrenaline to get ready for Football. Not B-Quinn, no sir -- nothing spells pure, raw energy like this tune. He loves to give the chest a rub down and throw on the eye black, as he rehearses the moves of his favorite boy band evah! How could he not get pumped listening to this song? “Everybody. Yeah. Rock your body. Yeah. Everybody…rock your body right…Backstreet's back, ALRIGHT?”

How to Save a Life – The Fray: This is Brady’s chance to get his mind away from the football field. It’s a chance to build the comrade and share a normal life with his "true" buddies, who still know him simply as Brady. Many a night has Brady and his boys shared Zima’s and sung the heartfelt lyrics to this tune as the wee hours of the morning sank in. “Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend..somewhere along in the bitterness. And I would have stayed up with you all night…had I known how to save a life.”

The Loose Ends: Vacation Week & Ranting

So I'm on this little thing I'd to call a vacation, but it's more like a lapse from the norms of the everyday monotony. My correspondence should not and better not be affected by this hiatus. I boarded a plane this morning and took root from San Diego, CA back to my homeland of G-Raps...Michigan. First things first...a quick touchdown in Detroit.

Always great for a quick hit in the "D." And you know you've arrived when you see the overweight white dude with the "goat-tee" sporting a skin tight #36 Rasheed jersey, tattoes covering the arms. Good stuff. Anyhow, typical Southwest flight, which BTW - I am upping the recommendation to fly on...if you fly like a cheapass, as I do.

Moving right along now, it was the slowest day in sports. And that was the recovery from the night before. Shit, USA Today had nothing to cover, but some WNBA puff piece. No thanks. I couldn't even find a friggin' Fantasy Football Magazine at the newstands. And did you realize they charge $2.99 for a fucking Vitamin Water? What a robbery.

Do you know what really chaps my ass? Is when the plane lands and a herd of stupid mother fuckers jump up like they are going to stampede their asses off that plane before everybody else. Just once I'd love to tell those people to sit the fuck down...bro. Then again that'd never happen, because I am a pseudo-pacifist. Peace, love and happiness...right?

So Michigan is what it's expected to be in July. Simply gorgeous. It's not quite as humid as I expected, but still it's quite the change of pace from Southern California. And I mean a welcome change of pace...for the record.

The 2nd half of the baseball season is about to begin and count me in for being interested. I should be well enough into the whole concept right up until my first Fantasy Football draft. To clear the air, I plan to spend a good quality of my "down time" (a.k.a - vacation) finishing up my scouting and reading up on Fantasy Football.

This whole mock draft thing I started, now seems like more of a challenge and a goal to accomplish, as opposed to a silly idea that hatched out of boredom at work. For fuck sake, I am going for it...all 15 rounds. Thanks Matt Mosley...I won't let you down bud, I'm going all 15. Plan on a full scouting report of Neil Rackers as a sleeper in the 14th.

And safely enough, upon my arrival back to San Diego...it will be opening day at the Del Mar Race Track. The Turd and I are already looking for our horses. Long story that would need it's own novel about our expeditions at Del Mar last year...and we just don't have the time. So, on that note I'll leave with this little doozy of a photo.

Electronic Arts' CEO Is Looking For New Games

In his first in-depth interview since assuming the role of of CEO of Electronic Arts, John Riccitiello, told the Wall Street Jounal on Monday exactly what we've all been thinking for years.

"For the most part, the industry has been rinse-and-repeat," he says. "There's been lots of product that looked like last year's product, that looked a lot like the year before."

Considering that you, me, and every other sports video game fan have been playing essentially the exact same Madden game for about 15 years, the man has got a point. Besides a few minor tweeks and improvements each year, the only real draw to the sequels is the simple fact that gamers just want the most up to date rosters and the ability to incorporate the new rookies each season. Other than that, few would argue that the content of EA's entire line of sports games changes much, if at all, from year to year. Riccitiello futher addresses the gameplay of the sequels as too boring and too difficicult.

"We're boring people to death and making games that are harder and harder to play," Mr. Riccitiello said in an interview.

I agree that the gameplay is getting tougher, but I would argue that the is sports games are continually improving and becoming more realistic, which is a positive direction for EA. Granted, do I get frustrated when I lose to East Stirling by five goals and I am playing with Liverpool? Hell, yes. Nevertheless, I am learning the game as it is meant to be played instead of taking a one man run all the way through the defense like NHL '93 and scroing 17 goals per game. Instead, I am rewarded by passing the ball down the field with lots of different touches and ultimately setting up a cross as opposed to a staight on shot. Likewise, the Madden games are growing more and more realistic as passing plays reward accurate reads and following the right steps in the dropback. Concurrently, selecting the appropraite defensive schemes for a given scenario is seemingly more important.

So, while I agree that EA could use new material, I think it is silly to say that the sequels are boring everybody to death. Let's leave those sequels be for now Mr. Riccitiello and talk about some new ideas.

For one, I always thought a really solid lacrosse game would be fun. Lacrosse is a rapidly growing sport in terms of popularity and it would be a blast in video game form. I realize there have been some attempts at this already, but they were feeble more acrade style games that were not really any good. The key with this game is that it would have to feature really good head-to-head compeitive play. There is certianly no real star power to leverage, so the value here would be like a user reecord NHL '94 type draw. Season play could be successful too, but I'd suggest just going random like bases loaded or Nintendo wrestling and creating some likeable made-up stars. Nobody really cares if Paul and Gary Gait are in the game or not.

Another idea for some new sports material could be try to bring some of the world's popular regional sports to different regions of the globe. This could be a great time to teach the world how to play cricket, rugby, or Aussie rules football. Let's face it, we're never going to figure it out on our own. Believe me, I've tried to understand cricket, but it is hopeless. I realize these games have been marketed in their respoective regions, but I had a hard time even getting FIFA for my PSP in the states, good luck with rugby. Anyway, a good video game is a good video game, so we will all figure out the rules of a new sport as long as the game is fun. Just look at those Splinter Cell games, those things are more complicated than the String Theory.

This next idea is a layup and I can't believe I'm giving it to you for free. Hook the sports games up to a gambling service. Why nobody has thought of this one yet is really beyind me. You have the internet connectivity part set already, so take it a step further. Just look at the booming success worldwide of interactive online poker gambling. Well, poker isn't nearly as fun (in my opinion) as playing head-to-head sports games, so why not open our favorite sports games up to a little friendly - or addictive - gambling. I know it's a bit tricky to finagle this one in the US, but if nothing else crazed FIFA fans in other parts of the world could be playing in simulated winner-take-all World Cup tournaments.

Along those same lines, why not take a stab running fantasy sports? Seems logical enough doesn't it? Who would rather run your fantasy league though, Yahoo, the worldwide leader, or the maker or the maker of the greatest simulated sporting experiences of all time? I rest my case. Also, you might as well include that gambling function in here too. There is nothing more annoying about the fantasy season than collecting the moolah, so take care of it for us.

Finally, this one is the silver tuna - Sports Quest. I cannot be the only dork out there who played Kings Quest I through VI, Space Quest I through III, and the lot of the Police Quest games. Bring them back... in sports form. This could take a million directions, but the idea I have in mind stars an investigative sports journalist who is working on an expose' to uncover a "GHG performance enhancing sports drink" scandal. Similar to the other games in the Quest series, out hero would solve puzzles at the ballpark, in the locker room, and at the daily news rag to try to crack the biggest story in sports history. This sounds like a great game to me. Boy, those games were addictive.

So, those are just a few of the ideas I had to help freshen up the stable at our beloved Electronic Arts. The old sports staples are always there for us, but I agree, some new ideas wouldn't hurt either.

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #3

This sure is getting fun...and I think we are going for the full 15 rounds. We can't stop after the first few rounds right? Let's keep it going. Am I giving any hints (look to your right) at who I may try and draft?

29. Thomas Jones – Never been a big fan. Isn’t he brittle? Sure, you may get your 13 games out of him, but not much more…he always tweaks something. And he’s got Leon Washington (versatile) looking over his shoulder. Then again…he is a starting RB.

30. Roy Williams – Could he be somewhat of a sleeper, yet again? I have no clue how he could ever get that tag, this will unquestionably be his breakout season…mark my word. Yet, since you have to draft on expectations and value…snag him here or he will be gone at the next go round.

31. Marques Colston – Will he finally get the “TE” tag removed from his Yahoo profile? Come on Funston…fix that shit already. You’ve got to like any and all offense players in the New Orleans offense. Now, as their undisputed #1 WR you’ve got to like him in this slot.

32. Anquan Boldin – If Fitz is going in the 2nd round, then Boldin shouldn’t be that far behind. The Fitty/Boldin tandem is the closest thing to Harrison/Wayne or CJ/Housh as it gets. Except Lienhart is a fat drunk and is by no means Manning or Palmer.

33. Tom Brady – Dreamboat is getting a lot of pub this off-season. In my opinion he’s always been an average Fantasy QB at best. However, the optimism must stem from having Moss, Welker and Stallworth in tote.

34. Drew Brees – Is he really going to put up comparable #’s to his monster season last year? Before that…he was good, not great, but good. And now all of the sudden he is an upper tier QB…color me skeptical. Yet, I did just rank his WR pretty high on the board, so color me…confusing.

35. T.J Houshmandzadeh – See Wayne and Boldin.

36. Brandon Jacobs – I picked up this monster on waivers after his dominant pre-season last year. I kept waiting and waiting for Tiki to crumble. All the while, Jacobs was raking in a measly 1 carry for 1 TD per game it seemed. He’s been on my breakout radar for quite sometime; chances are though…he’s on a lot of people’s radars.

37. Randy Moss – Things are going to go either really good or really, really bad in New England for “Mr. Straight Cash Homey.” However, either result would be an improvement from his stint in Oakland.

38. Antonio Gates – If last season was a “slow” season for Gates, than he should be bumped a little higher in this draft class. Outside of Yahoo’s preposterous error of allowing Colston to be TE each week, Gates would’ve once again been the king of that position.

39. Deuce McAllister – Typically the person who drafts him in my “friends and enemies” league always says “with this pick…I’m gonna take a big fat deuce.” Nobody ever, repeat ever laughs, because that joke is simply not funny. And worth noting we have our first platoon taken off the board…Reggie & Deuce.

40. Cadillac Williams – Regardless of how god-awful he was last season…he is still a starting RB in the National Football League. And if we’ve learned anything over the many years, hours and ulcers we’ve had over the course of our FF careers…we should learn that you can’t ever de-value a starting RB, too much.

41. Javon Walker – In year 2 of the Cutler era we could be looking at potential Top 10 Fantasy WR. The catch is always the unknown about Cutler, but if the early prognosis is any indication…the Cutler/Walker connection could be highly beneficial.

42. Donovan McNabb – Look, it was a coin flip between he and Bulger in this slot. You could go either way. Lots of expectations being showered on Bulger this pre-season and lots of love lost for #5. However, this just utterly stinks of a comeback “let me put it in your face pricks” type of season for McNabb. Yup, #5 is ALIVE.

Why didn't the Red Sox just keep Orlando Cabrera?

Since 2004, and arguably since Nomar was shipped out of town, the shortstop position for the Boston Red Sox has become a revolving door. Considering baseball is a business, it’s worth pointing out that the Red Sox have failed considerably in their business decisions concerning how to fill that void in the infield.

They’ve had summer rentals Orlando Cabrera (2004) and Alex Gonzalez (2006) to go along with the failed Edgar Renteria transaction/experiment in (2005). And now they are running on fumes with a floundering Julio Lugo this season. Yet, they knew Nomar was losing the range to play the position and his future seemed bleaker than ever as he pouted and watched his own abilities diminish during that 2004 season.

Judging from the way things have shaped out for Nomar since, the Red Sox made the right decision back on July 31st, 2004. However, where they really missed the boat is when they let the ideal fit, Orlando Cabrera (The OC) walk away and sign with the Angels. Even three years removed from the “OC” experience, Red Sox fans probably can’t help, but wish management would’ve put up the money to re-sign “OC.”

Perhaps, we could even consider the position now cursed amongst the organization? Let me explain a little more and give you the comparisons. Follow me, let’s take a look...

Orlando Cabrera (2004)

His only fault was that he wasn’t the superstar the Red Sox had known and come to expect at the shortstop position. Supposedly a year older than Renteria, the Red Sox felt inclined to let him walk when the Angles offered him a 4 year/$32 million contract. Well, he is in year 3 of that deal and is producing quite possibly his best season to date. The Red Sox simply underestimated “OC” and viewed him more as a summer rental than a permanent fix.

A career .273 hitter and above average fielder, “OC” was a favorite amongst the fans and the clubhouse. He gave the Red Sox clutch hitting, superb defense, and a .288 average during their 2004 World Series run. Even to this day, he still receives applause and ovations of gratitude from the Fenway Faithful. He was an integral part of the Red Sox climb to the top, but management saw the business aspect of things and let him walk.

It must be a head shaker to take notice that including this year, he’s been hitting for roughly a .290 average since he left Boston. And I did mention his above average defense…already? Besides...isn't he just an enjoyable player?

Edgar Renteria (2005)

It wasn’t so much the hitting that was the root of Edgar’s problems in Boston. He hit .276 with 8 HR’s and 70 RBI. However, he led the league with 30 ERRORS and never seemed to be fully welcomed by the fans or media. At one point he was termed “Rent-a-Wreck.” All the while, he was again being surrounded by the unfair comparisons to the recently departed “OC” and legend of Nomar. Tough shoes to fill…I guess.

The Red Sox inked him to a 4 year/$40 million deal when they could’ve had Cabrera for much less. However, apparently they really believed that Renteria was the better player and that he was indeed younger (questionable – birth certificate please). Anyhow, Edgar’s stay was short lived in Boston as the team ate some contract and shipped him out to Atlanta where he has found his niche once again.

Since he left Boston he’s returned to his natural form and is hitting back near the .300 range and his fielding has vastly improved in the good ‘ole NL. However, it simply didn’t work for him in Boston and left the Red Sox with another season of mystery at the centerpiece of their infield.

Alex Gonzalez (2006)

Acquired from the Marlins mainly as a temporary fix, Gonzalez appeared to be a nice fit at times. The Red Sox knew he wasn’t ever known for his bat, but were willing to take his excellent defense as a substitute. He didn’t let anyone down in that department, allowing only 7 ERRORS all of last season. He managed to bat .255 with 9 HR’s and 50 RBI. Again though, the Red Sox always had the lustful eyes for Julio Lugo.

Even though Gonzalez was hardly a distraction, meshed well with the fans/media and was on the cheap the Sox opted not to re-sign him. Instead, he inked a 3 year/$14 million dollar deal this past off-season with the Reds. Gonzalez was and is easily the cheapest of the group that’s held down the SS position for the Sox recently. However, his .246 career average persuaded the Red Sox to go after the player they always wanted…Lugo.

Julio Lugo (2007)

Lugo singed a 4 year/$36 million dollar this past off-season. He is currently the same age as Cabrera and his contract is just a touch more. However, in his first ½ season in Boston it’s been a considerable disaster. He still has the support of the locals, but how long will it last? Is he just in a really, really big slump? Will he snap out of it? We can’t be certain, but what is known is that he is limping to a .197 average.

Give him credit where credit is due, he hasn’t completely been snake-bitten by the pressure. His fielding is decent, but not quite spectacular. He is a career .275 hitter, so you have to wonder if his fortunes will change as the summer wears on. Yet, you also have to wonder why the Red Sox passed on Cabrera 3 years ago and signed Renteria and Lugo to more expensive contracts when all three players seem to be on an equal playing field.

Who would you take today? I’d say Cabrera is the obvious choice for his intangibles alone, least we not forget to mention his contract as well. The Red Sox have made a few major gaffes in their thought process since 2004. And the shortstop position should rank #1 on that list, even ahead of letting Pedro walk (they appear to be getting the last laugh on that one).

They’ve sunk $76 million in contracts for two guys (Renteria and Lugo) who have been far less reliable than “OC.” And they could’ve had “OC” for a little less than both. He’d be in year 3 of that contract with the Red Sox and having his career year for them, not the Angels. Instead, the Red Sox are left with wondering “what if” and hoping that Lugo can turn it around or they’ll never hear the end of the curse of “OC.”

Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0: Round #2

We couldn't stop at just one round...right? Nah, had to keep going. And we may keep going and going and going. Mock Drafts are great...plus they kill time at work when you are the creator. For Rupes and I it's the perfect remedy to a boring day at the office. You guessed it, emails back and forth...alternating picks. Let's move on...

15. Maurice Jones-Drew – I am personally NOT on the MJD bandwagon at all. However, I would venture to guess that would put me in the minority. He is still going to split carries with Fred Taylor (who has surprisingly stayed healthy the past 2 seasons). The only reason I’m putting him here is for the mere fact, I want to at least appear that I know my shit.

16. Willis McGahee – The self-proclaimed best RB in the NFL has a new home. This smells like a sure fire bounce back season. He may not be the Willis we all loved from 2004, but he is in a far better situation with the Ravens.

17. Chad Johnson – I think we’re all still waiting for CJ to have that absolute monster season he keeps promising. Don’t get me wrong the CJ experience is far from bland and it’s been rather rewarding. However, in between the huge games and streaks are the slumps. Are those "s0-so" days finally going away for good this season? A healthier Palmer suggests that very sentiment. He could very well be the 1st WR off the board.

18. Terrell Owens – Dude is crazy. And I never know quite what to make of him. However, you can always bank on some monster #’s from homeboy. Of course, you always have to worry about whether he makes it through a full season or not, but you take the good with the bad.

19. Clinton Portis – The 1500 yard rusher from Denver is G-O-N-E. The Redskins have the luxury of two GOOD RB’s. If all goes well, the Redskins backfield could the platoon that pays the most dividends. You have to give Portis the early nod on his history alone, but don’t sleep on Ladell Betts. And if you’re thinking Portis…you had better be thinking handcuffs.

20. Travis Henry – If you plan to ride with anybody Mike Shanahan proclaims to be his starter…you may want to buckle up. Or at least, secure Mike Bell and have a lot of zantax to take for the manic Sunday’s and the wave of panic that sets in when you realize Shanahan hates your pathetic Fantasy team.

21. Marvin Harrison – Consistent, sure. Yet, there were stretches last season where Marvelous Marvin showed vulnerability and more importantly inconsistency. He laid a couple stinkers for those who owned him, but as usual rewarded down the stretch. Is this the year though that he surrenders to Wayne being the #1 WR on the Colts?

22. Cedric Benson – He was starting to pick up some steam towards the end last season. And it’s another one of those…can he carry the full load question marks. Yet, really the more I think about it, that label is getting weak. Seriously, these are the guys that have always wanted to be the “man.”

23. Carson Palmer – Over 1 full year removed from a “knee.” He should be fully healthy. And that should mean he is ready to challenge the likes of Manning and Kitna for the throne of best Fantasy QB. Getting him last year early on seemed like a gamble, while getting him in the 2nd round this year could turn into a steal.

24. Reggie Wayne – He’s gaining ground on Marvin Harrison as the “go-to” guy in the Colts offense. If Harrison can hold onto the #1 penchant for at least one more season, I’d say Wayne is about as close to #1A as you can get. Yet, you already knew that…right?

25. Larry Fitzgerald – Fitz (when healthy) is about as steady as it gets. During the past few seasons (when healthy) he averaged a shade under 80 yards per game, generally adding a TD to boot…every other week. On paper that doesn’t sound sexy, but consistency is the key to any team and the Fitz…well, he’s consistent.

26. Torry Holt – There’s no real mystery to drafting Torry Holt. He’s always productive, you know he’s going to miss a game or two along the road, but he’s always going to rank in the Top 5 Fantasy WR’s year and year out. It goes without fail and that’s exactly why I’m not drafting him this year.

27. Marshawn Lynch – ***Sleeper Alert*** Well, he’s a sleeper for now until every single mock draft and fantasy publication beats it into our brains that he is this year’s trendy sleeper. And then somebody in your league will draft him and play the “he’s a sleeper” card when everyone knows…he’s hardly a sleeper anymore. Get my drift. I’m smokin’ a fresh bowl of Lynch…that’s how high I am on this guy.

28. Edgerrin James – How the mighty have fallen. Wasn’t it just a few short years ago that Edge was consistently a Top 5 Fantasy back? Proof that there is no love lost in FF.

Could the Yankees Become Sellers at the Deadline?

Normally this time of year, a team that is 10 games out of first place and 1 game under .500 at the break would be the least relevant topic during All-Star week. However, when that team is the All-American Corporation/Empire better known as the New York Yankees, it means something. And we can rest assured that Steinbrenner and company will undoubtedly surface as a focal point during this week’s All-Star media bonanza, just behind Bonds.

Surprisingly enough, this team has scaled back payroll from $195 million last year to $189 this year. Yet, it’d be hard to make a case that this team is not a catastrophe. In tow is arguably the greatest player alive, A-Rod, whom is having quite possibly his best individual season statistically to date. Yet, the Yankees are still teetering on the brink of failure and collapse.

The postseason seems less and less a reality as each day passes this summer. With the Tigers and Indians having demonstrated themselves as being much better all-around teams, one would find it a hard case to argue the Yankees can make up the necessary ground. One could also wonder why the Yankees remain such a topic of intrigue. Aren’t they done already? Why do they surface every single day on “Around the Horn” and “PTI”?

They are (8.5) games out of the wild card for shit sakes. Well America loves drama, right? And the Yankees give us just that. They simply aren’t going away this year. Whether that means they are in dead last or not…the media will always make the Yankees a story. They will find the headlines, even if it’s in a desperate attempt. And if not, we’ll at least have the “Bronx is Burning” on regular ESPN rotation.

However, the question that has been avoided for the most part; is not if the Yankees will go on a run to get back into the race, but whether or not they will swallow a pride pill and become (GASP!) sellers at the deadline? As of the present moment, the definitive answer to that question appears to be a resounding NO. Yet, does that really make any sense?

For a team straddled with age and over priced contracts, wouldn’t the logical decision be to throw in the towel and re-tool with some younger players? If you stop and think about everything associated with this Yankees team, it’d be hard for them not to become sellers. Sure, everyone will point to winning (2 of 3) from the AL West leading Angels this past weekend, but is that enough to allow optimism to blind all the flaws of this roster?

Look, I’m no Yankee fan and I’m certainly no Yankee apologist either, but in light of how this team has been and is still being constructed, the World Series seems further away then ever. This current cast was supposed to be equipped to win now. It simply hasn’t happened that way and with the age, lack of pitching and burdensome contracts it’s choking the team’s life away.

Chances are Torre is gone, but is he really the problem? If you look at the Yankees current payroll they are still doling out checks to Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, Javier Vazquez and even Randy Johnson. If you factor in the absurdity of the Clemens contract that pays him roughly $10k a pitch and the $16 million they are on the hook to Pettitte for; you can see the errors of their ways.

They’ve plunked so much into the pitching staff and it’s all back fired. Yet, for all the gambles they took, nobody should feel sorry for them. It just hasn’t worked out as planned, but should they really have taken that many gambles? Sure, Clemens is an unfinished result as of now, but his 2-3 record and 3.63 ERA hardly signify this was a good signing. Not sure what boost he’s brought to the clubhouse though?

As for Pettitte he is clunking along lately (4-6) and you just have to wonder when he finds his way to the confines of the disabled list. If you think about it, the only viable option the Yankees can really feel truly safe about is Wang on the mound. Outside of that they have an aging pitching staff that they have spent 2-3 years and roughly millions of dollars trying to rehab. There appears to be no quick fix for this problem.

And it gets worse…they can’t really sell any of their arms at the deadline. So, that leaves you to wonder about the regulars. For all the discussion about the Yankees pitching staff being a financial disaster, the hitting hasn’t provided much outside of A-Rod this season. Only three regulars (Jeter, A-Rod and Posada) are heading to the All-Star break batting over .300.

When you take into account that the only other Yankee, outside of A-Rod, with double digit homers is Matsui at 11 total…it’s pretty alarming. Will they snap out of it? Maybe, but it’s not going to be enough. Johnny Damon has two years left on his $52 million dollar contract; think Red Sox fans are still upset he left? He is limping to a .245 average and is 7th in runs scored on the team. So much for being a leadoff man, but would any other team really want Damon these days?

And for that matter, if the Yankees were to become sellers, who could they even possibly sell? I think we can cross Damon and probably Giambi off the list. Giambi’s injury woes, inconsistency, inability to play the field and big mouth pretty much kill any potential of him being dealt. Unless of course, the Yankees wanted to eat some of the $21 million (per) he’s making for the next two years. Thank god, they have an option on him for ’09. Will he still be in the league then…who knows?

You can forget about Jeter or Posada being moved. We’ve already covered the starting pitching. Mariano Rivera isn’t going anywhere and there really isn’t anything too attractive left in the bullpen. So really who are they gonna deal? It’d make no sense to sell Cano and Cabrera, as they need to keep any cheap youth they have.

Could Matsui be moved? Possible, but I highly doubt it. Out of the regulars that leaves only two options, Bobby Abreu and yes, Alex Rodriguez. Take a deep breath and collect yourself, I did just mention the “A” word as a possible fire sale in New York. Is it gonna happen? Probably not, but in logical thinking isn’t he the only real commodity the Yankees have? And doesn’t his ability to “opt-out” scare the shit of the Yankees brass…just a little?

Well, maybe I’m jumping the gun just a little, but if you stop and think about the dire situation the Yankees have gotten themselves into…you have to wonder. Most teams in their shoes would instantly become sellers at the deadline. People will always use the excuse that the Yankees will just buy more and they’ll spend and spend until they get it right.

However, there isn’t much to buy right now that could fix their immediate and long term issues. If they stand pat they will once again be burdened with the same issues next season. Then again, if you break it down there really isn’t much they can do. As sellers, it’d probably have to be A-Rod and there is no chance of him being traded right now.

Or is there? We will just have to wait and see until July 31st…I suppose

One More Reason To Hate NASCAR

In perusing last weeks copy of Sports Illustrated, I located quite an oddity. SI ran a poll of a variety of questions to a sampling of 18 NASCAR drivers. Most of the questions were similar to what you expect, like "Would you let your daughter date Dale Earnhardt, Jr?" The poll was complete with the driver's bloodied-English retorts, "No way in heck."

Well, one question in particular blew my mind a bit. They inquired if the drivers voted democrat, republican, or independent. Take a guess what percentage of NASCAR drivers polled are voting democrat this year? Just guess.

Yep, you're right. ZERO%

I admit I did not expect a massive amount of tree hugging liberals, considering the love for cars and the love for ridding the atmosphere of greenhouse gasses do not exactly go hand in hand. But, I would have thought at least a a single driver might vote Democrat. After all, out current president did royally butcher a war that he probably should not have been in in the first place and now he cannot get us out of it. Look, I don't mean to get all leftist and by now means act like I do not want to associate with a sport based on the way it's competitors choose to vote.

I guess it just strikes me as bizarre that this population is a true anomaly when compared to the overall population. Compared to the overall U.S. population, you would expect about 10 of the 18 drivers polled to vote democrat.

Presumably, I should expected this though. At a previous job, I once asked my co-worker, a huge NASCAR fan, if she recycled. She replied, "No, but I do throw my bear cans under the bleachers for the bums to pick up." As altruous as that is, maybe NASCAR should think about making a little effort to educate its fan base global warming, recycling, and climate change.

Oh yeah, and not voting for another idiot like George W. Bush.

/Climbs off High Horse and gets back in the cubicle.

Tatum Bell Will %&#$ Up Your Fantasy Team

(Editors Note: Consider this...mailing it in.)

There have been major changes in backfields across the country and it's time to vet the fantasy impacts with the two sharpest fantasy minds on the internet, Brandon Funston and Eric Karabell. Not only have we contributed our own astute analysis (hold your applause till the end, please), but these two mega stars have added insight on all of the big running back moves of the off-season.

As usual, this is all bullshit and Funston and Karabell had nothng to do with it.

Willis McGahee to the Baltimore Ravens

A no-brainer as an upgrade to the feeble Ravens offense, Willis is the self-proclaimed best RB in the league. No doubt dog, I feel you. McGahee had a breakout campaign in 2004 when he wrestled away the starting job from Travis Henry and broke off nearly 1200 yards and 13 TD’s.

I guess we’d call that good bait, as he lured in a lot of suckers into taking him as their first RB in millions upon billions of Fantasy Drafts in 2005. And with that, he rewarded owners with a big pile of steaming shit. And even though he slipped in pre-draft rankings at the start of 2006, many felt as though the “rebound” season was in the cards for McGahee. Yet, again he made sure those lucky owners also got a big another heaping helping of fresh feces.

So to say it can get any worse or that his stock could drop further than it already has would be an understatement.

Funston Analysis: The closest I’ve been to a piece of ass these past few years…is about as close as McGahee is to the Elite Fantasy backs. Translation: He needs to wow owners this season to get back into good graces.

Karabell Analysis: I could give a shit that it’s May and I’m already talking Fantasy RB impacts. What else do I really have to look forward to? Yes, McGahee is undoubtedly on the comeback candidate list.

Thomas Jones to the New York Jets

I hate to say it, but I think this backfield has “committee” written all over it. I know this looks like a good fantasy situation here with Thomas Jones being the premier back for the New York Football Jets (Annoying Berman speak), but the little scooter, Leon Washington, had over 1,000 all purpose yards last season and 650 on the ground. He is explosive and should get a portion of the carries and screens. Nevertheless, Thomas Jones has proven that he is a valuable #2 or #3 RB, no matter what backfield competition he faces. I wouldn’t bet the farm on him, but he’s a great value if he falls to the fourth round.

Funston Analysis: I wish I were fit like Thomas Jones. Hey Eric, can you tell I’ve been toning up? My Pecks are really shaping up nice, don’t you think? Pretty soon, I’ll fine-tune my body in to a well-oiled machine. As soon as I combine the new chasse with my perfect widow’s peak, the women will flock.

Karabell Analysis: You know what would be funny? You should change the name of your bit to “Funston Checks In.” That would be sweet. I bet the bloggers would get the joke.

Personally, I am iffy on the Jets’ offense as a whole and would probably stay away from any early round bets here. The Jet’s back office continues to use band-aids, rather than developing franchise guys in the key skill positions. I am still wary of Chad Pennington at QB. While I consider him a great competitor, if he goes down again the offense will be devastated. On the other hand, the line looks great with the addition of D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold. Oh God, I just don’t know.

Tatum Bell to the Detroit Lions

Not exactly the sexiest transaction this off-season, but nonetheless Tatum Bell is a mainstay (for all the wrong reasons) when it comes to Fantasy Football. More clearly stated; Tatum Bell will fuck up your Fantasy season. Trust me, he’s done it to me before and he will sure as hell do it again. He’s in Detroit vying for a spot in a two-back system with Kevin Jones.Hopefully, Kevin Jones will be able to return by the start of the season and hopefully he will participate in more than his annual 10-12 games. However, we should all fully expect KJ to be listed as “probable: pussy inflammation” by no less than his third game this season in the Lions backfield.

Thankfully, TJ Duckett will be waiting in the wings. Either way, it looks like at least 50% of the duties belong to good ‘ole Tatum “Taco” Bell. He’ll dazzle and wow you one minute and then be sitting on the bench the next, because he is a head case. Either way…you’ve been warned about Taco and I need say no more.

Funston Analysis: Tatum Bell has as much chance of being a “regular” Fantasy star as I have getting laid this summer. Prognosis: Not Good.

Karabell Analysis: As Deputy Editor/Senior writer at ESPN.com, I have access to tons of game film and I have been taking a close look at the Detroit Lions offensive line. What I have come to realize after all of my scrutinzation is that the line is not very good. Actually, the line is really not good at all. In fact, when you really think about it, Tatum Bell might actually die next season.

Jamal Lewis to the Cleveland Browns

Enjoy the Jamal Lewis era Cleveland. He’s overweight, past his prime, has more miles on him than Zorba, and looks as though he’d sooner take comfort in a jail cell over the football field. Tippy-Tap, Tippy-Tap, Tippy-Tap-Toe. Jamal Lewis recites that very phrase every time he has the displeasure of carrying the football.

And they were a little let down by Reuben Droughns? Huh? No comment. At least they can take solace in the fact that drafting Adrian Peterson was the right choice. And this will create a perfect split backfield that has become all the rage in the NFL. Oops...my mistake,enjoy Brady Quinn.

I believe the fantasy terminology is called “handcuff.” Yes, be sure to handcuff Jamal Lewis to Kevin Mack or William Green.

Enough from me though, how about the experts?

Funston Analysis: Jamal will not crack my “Big Board” this season. I am Brandon “fucking” Funston…don’t ever question my Fantasy Football knowledge.

Karabell Analysis: Um, actually Brandon, not to be a nitpicker or anything, but you have Jamal ranked #49 on the big board. I wish I had a big board. Well, Jamal Lewis thought he was straight thug, but he clearly lost his manhood when he was in the clinker. This is not the same player we saw in 2000-2003. What do expect though, really? You’d probably be a little weirded out too if you got gang banged.

Travis Henry to the Denver Broncos

I don’t give a shit if Barry Sanders shows up to camp for the Broncos, stay the fuck out of the Bronco’s backfield. In fact, just stay away from the whole dumb offense as far as I am concerned. As a man who believes consistency wins championships, there is nothing about Denver that is reliable on a week in, week out basis.

Do not get me wrong, Henry will probably crack 1,000 yards in 2007, but it will not be with an evenly spread points distribution. As with every other back in Denver over the past few years, it’s huge games and goose eggs. If you can pick him up in the eighth round, then it’s a bargain, but do not waste anything earlier on him. It might pay off, but knowing Shanahan, you’d be just as likely to reap returns by drafting Christian Okoye. You never know who the hell is going to show up for Denver and it is never worth the trauma.

Funston Analysis: Have you ever cut a hole in a watermelon, put it in the microwave and slid on a condom and then just banged the shit out of that hole? I’m not being serious…it’s an analogy you sick people. Travis Henry is going to have a lot of warm holes to run through in Denver.

Karabell Analysis: You can read all about Travis Henry’s prospects in Denver if you order my “Insider” ESPN Fantasy Football Packet for a mere $39.95. Order early, because the price will go up in July and August.

Reuben Droughns to the NY Giants

From a fantasy perspective, Droughns with the G-Men could conceivably be a first rounder. The Giants employ a great offense for a fantasy running back. Despite the ongoing concerns that Brandon Jacobs will get increased touches in 2007, particularly at the goal line, Droughns should see a very heavy workload. As Droughns showed in his previous three seasons, he is a decent receiver out of the backfield (32, 39, and 27 receptions respectively) and should pick up significant yardage on the screen passes used so successfully by Tiki Barber, in addition to solid ground numbers.

The real concern here is that we are going to get the black Tony Robbins (Tiki) shoved down our throats on TV on a daily basis for the next 15 years. Mark my words, this is going to suck. I’m sorry Tiki, since you carried my fantasy team for years, but I would rather drown myself in a vat of buttermilk than watch you on television on a regular basis.

Funston Analysis: Crap, my notes are stuck in my pocket. Why do they make these spandex-coaching shorts so darn tight? Well, my gut tells me that this is the year for Brandon Jacobs with Droughns as a solid #2 back. Plus, Jacobs was already on my big board before the Giants picked up Droughns and I’m too tired to go erase it again.

Karabell Analysis: I consider myself a man of god and Reuben Droughns is practically one of Beelzebub’s disciples. He’s a drinker and has a foul mouth. Quite frankly, I hope he drinks and drives himself right over to country lockup, because I hate the Giants. Go Eagles, aaoogga aaoogga.

The Friday Mixed Tape: Phish Fries.

Last weekend we kicked off a new series called the “Friday Mixed Tape.” It took off with rather timid reviews and interest, as we took you down an indie-rock trail. Well, back by mild, or maybe “not-at-all” popular demand we are coming at you this week with a special edition of the Mixed Tape, aptly and cheezily titled “Friday Phish Fry.”

If last week was all about the “now” and random “itunes” compilation, then this week is all about the fleeting memories of yesteryear and the epic jams of a long standing favorite of Rupes and I, the Phish. Yup, we’ve both spent many a good time worshipping and following Phish. And hence, we’ve got no shame bringing you our Friday Mixer with a “phunky” little twist.

We’re a diverse group of cats…here at the Ghosts, be proud of that. Anyhow, this setlist isn’t as easy to find as click and download. Technically speaking, if it catches your intrigue…you probably already have the resources in tact. If not, tell you what…Rupes and I promise to make a copy or two if you email us with an overwhelming interest. (Um, we aren’t expecting the inbox to flood, but here goes: waynefontesghost@gmail.com)

Anyhow, this mixer or jam session is all about the epic phunk that is…Phish. We are talking ‘bout an eclectic mix made ideally for the weary traveler. If you’re packing the car for a road trip or going out camping…we’ve got you covered.

So today we are showering in patchouli, throwing on the ‘ole patchwork pants, packing the glass with some sticky nuggets and digging through our impressive collection of Maxell XL-II’s. And so if you would do the honor…follow me…

As always…tracked for the ideal listening order.

1. You Enjoy Myself (12/31/93) – Worcester, MA

This is the defining YEM in my favorite era of Phish. You know how I know? Because once I was playing golf with some friends in Florida and we brought one of those portable I-pod speakers. It was mid-summer and hot as balls, so we were the only ones on the course. Post Bob Marley joint, my friend announces he had been saving this playlist he was working on called "Epic Sounds" until we got irie and it consisted solely of the songs that most define a band and their - you guessed it - epic sounds. It included stuff like Hotel California, Oye Como Va, and Crossroads. You know…songs that really have an epic sound? Well, this was the YEM he included and till this day, I haven't heard one even close. Trey breaks into the dirtiest groove in the funk section about 12 minutes into it and it's the kind of music that gets the adrenaline running so high you could lift a Geo Prism over your head and carry it around for a while.

2. AC/DC Bag> Gumbo (9/14/99) - Bosie, ID

I’m always a hit or miss when it comes to “Bag”, but this version buries the funk and then takes on a deep space expedition. I’d liken it to the peak of an intense mushroom trip, if that’s your sort of thing. And then of course as you are just about to lose it in the reckless space of the band, boom...the “Gumbo” brings you back to normality. Ah yes, the funk is returned and the boys even venture out into an “Another One Bites the Dust” teaser deep into the groove they’ve already laid down. Am I losing you yet? Just hang up if so.

Here’s a little piece of Phish trivia for you, the title of the song AC/DC Bag is actually based on the chord progression of the song. A-C-D-C-F-A-G. (Thanks Matt)

3. Piper (10/1/00) – Phoenix, AZ

I’ve never met a man, I could not forget...except for Guy Forget. IMHO, “Piper” peaked in ’97-’99. The re-work for “Farmhouse” was a bit tame and tweaked for me. However, this is the one 2000 or later version that simply trumps nearly (and I stress the word nearly) every other pre-dated version.

4. Boogie on Reggae Woman (4/16/04) - Vegas

Probably, the only post-hiatus anything you’ll hear or see me give a nod. However, this version was a friggin’ funk seminar. Hard to believe those wicked bass lines and groove were coming from a goofy white dude with a perma-mullet named Mike Gordon. Yet, he was on point for this one, beating his base like a Vegas pimp beats his prostitutes.

5. Cavern (4/5/98) – Providence, RI

Otherwise known as the “Funky Cavern”, this is another Cactus Gordon monster. After the legendary 4 day island tour with 2 shows on Long Island and 2 in Providence, Trey lays down a little funky ditty and prefaces with "I started this little funk groove, because we can't end this without a little bit more funk, since that's kinda been the theme. For those of you who wanna take off, take off, but for those who just wanna dance to the funk, were gonna keep groovin." Before you know it, this slow funk morphs into a wildly unique slow funk version of the Phish classic, “Cavern.”

6. Crosseyed and Painless (12/31/99) – Big Cypress

Best summed up by Glowsticks, Moly and the new era of tour kids…the ravers. This one lasted or lasts an hour if it’s 5 minutes. Building and building, groove oriented…just like the original creation by David Byrne and the Talking Heads. If there is a moment in time I’d love to go back to…it’s right here. New Year’s in Florida for this very song.

7. 2001>Art Jam>Harry Hood (8/17/97) – Great Went

Unfortunately, this is one of those jam/segue’s that needs to be heard. I could jot down a couple of “fuck yeah’s” or “dude, this was sweet”, but hearing is believing. Who doesn’t get goose bumps during the conclusion of a finely tuned “Hood”? This is also a famous Hood in the history as it was the first ever glowstick war, a truly amazing sight. At a festival of 60,000, thousands upon thousands of glowsticks migrated toward the front of the venue and morphed into a phenomenal light show of their own. Trey’s speech after the song is epic stoner-speak, “Go get some more of those things man. You have no idea… that’s amazing.”

8. Sweet Jane (10/31/98) - Vegas

This is a special song for the Ghosts, because we essentially discovered it when we first became friends. We met through a mutual friend and the three of us drove out to New York City from Michigan for the New Years ‘98 run. Well, we had a blast and I’m sure we’ll tell the whole story one day, but on the way home we were pretty road weary, so we stopped in Ann Arbor instead of heading back to our folks’ for the rest of the holiday vacation. Needless to say, we got hit with a massive blizzard and were snowed in for three days. We must have listened to this song at least 100 times. I still think of that trip every time I hear it. It’s balls to the wall wailing. In fact this song wails so hard that not only does it give me the full goose bumps, but it feels like all of my arm hair is going to fall out.

The Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0

We are getting a new experience out of Fantasy Football this year. Yup, as most of you probably know we are running our own 14 team league, the Bloggers Invitational. And it’s going to be strange, just like our friend over at Pacifist Viking, we too have grown accustomed to the 8 to 10 man leagues, where every roster is stacked. Consider us ready to study and read up in the next few weeks.

In any event, we decided to take a stab at what we feel is a somewhat logical order of how things could breakdown. Welcome to our very own Fantasy Mock Draft 1.0. Keep in mind, we aren’t too worried about giving away secrets or leading people into seeing what cards we’re holding. Really, would it come as surprise to let somebody know…we’d probably take LT if we had the #1 pick? Nah…didn’t think so.

Believe me; we are only covering the first few rounds. We’d never go deep into the draft, because that my friend is how and where Championships are won. Everyone has their strategy, but most people share a common ground on top picks. Well, unless of course you’ve got complete morons in your league.

And that’s about enough lathering…here is our Round 1 Mock Draft 1.0. Eat your heart out Funston, Harmon and Karabell.

1. LaDainian Tomlinson – The Crème De Le Crème. His production could only go down from last season, but he’d still be in a class by himself. The bigger question would be is he not going #1 in every single draft worldwide? Hopefully, we could get stat on this. Of note, in an 8 man league I played in last year…the LT owner finished in last place, he has since had his league membership revoked.

2. Steven Jackson – He’s probably going to suck, so you should all just stay the hell away from him. He has no upside, whatsoever. Last season was a fluke; remove him off your board…please. Take my advice the Rams are going to pass all season long. If anything you want Isaac Bruce, Drew Bennett and/or Randy McMike before this guy. (Note: S-Jax has been on my Fantasy team(s) for the past 3 seasons and I love him).

3. Larry Johnson – Breakdown…go ahead and give it to me now…breakdown. The nightmare slot appears to be “3-4-5” in most drafts this year. Do you trust LJ to keep piling on the carries in Earl Campbell fashion? Is he the next Jamal Anderson? Can you really pass on him? These are all decisions, I’d rather not face.

4. Frank Gore – Here is my best analysis: He has gone from sleeper to over-hyped in the span of 12 months. And frankly (no-pun intended) I’m not quite sure what to make of him. Once he starts popping up on magazine covers and fluctuates between #3-5 on Funston’s Big Board I get nervous.

5. Rudi Johnson – If ever we needed somebody to carry the Tiki Barber torch of under-appreciated bland RB’s…here is our guy. All Rudi does year in and year out is break-off somewhere around 1300 to 1400 yards and 12 TD’s. Call him bland all you want, but he’s in the perfect offense to keep churning out those #’s.

6. Shaun Alexander – I enjoy the Shaun Alexander experience. It’s rewarding and always stress free (sans last season). And anytime you can see Arizona, St. Louis and San Francisco twice on the schedule, you instantly realize there are potentially (6) 100 yard and multiple TD games right there. It doesn’t hurt that despite denying it to the utmost, Alexander is a stat whore as well. What about the foot though?

7. Brian Westbrook – Like my old 1987 Ford Bronco. It wasn't the fastest, the toughest, nor the shiniest car around and even though it was a little old it never let me down. It could handle the snow, rain, or heat and was quick and versatile. It might even get you laid once in a while. Westbrook's consistency is invaluable as he will always catch a handful of passes and put up decent rushing numbers. He always goes way too late in most drafts…so we are giving him a bump this year.

8. Ronnie Brown – This seems like a death sentence. You know he's a featured back and belongs in the first round, but how good can you really feel about taking him with a first round pick? He lacks consistency and the Dolphins offense is in a transition period. A first round pick should always be about consistency. Nevertheless, he has massive potential and featured backs are becoming harder and harder to come by, so he's still here in the top 10.

9. Joseph Addai – Can he handle the full load? Did that sound gay? Oh well, that is the phrase you’ll be sure to hear associated with Addai. It never hurts to have Manning, Wayne and Harrison as your allies on offense, but I am VERY skeptical about this guy being the first Colt picked in any draft. Just my opinion.

10. Peyton Manning – This is a decision I’ve never wanted to make. I’ve often thought it would be like selling your soul to the devil to draft Peyton Manning, but simply stated…he is going to dominate as usual this season. You can always relax with Manning at the helm on Sunday’s. He's about as sure a thing as it get, but again...do you draft a QB in the 1st round?

10a. Jon Kitna – If Manning is 10, then Jon Kitna is no doubt 10A. I mean, outside of Manning is there a more lucrative QB on the board? I mean if you’re taking Manning in Round 1…you have to consider Kitna as well, right? He is on record as guaranteeing at least 10 wins for the Lions. Look for an all out assault on the record books from good ‘ole J-Kitz. I smell a breakout, like Rich Gannon in 2002.

11. Steve Smith – I will never doubt him. I don’t see how he wouldn’t be the first WR taken off the board. And I imagine by Week 6 he’ll have David Carr throwing him the football instead of Delhomme, which would be a good thing.

12. Laurence Maroney – Like Addai, I just don’t know how I feel about a dude with a shoulder injury, shouldering the full load. And is anybody really content taking a guy who has earned the nickname “Kool Aid” around the internet?

13. Willie Parker – He should get 750 carries this year before he combusts, so the percentages for yards and points are always in your favor. It's ulikely the Steelers are ever going away from the grind it out offense, at least not as long as Burger is around.

14. Reggie Bush – 6-1-9 Bitch. 6-1-9 Bitch. I nibbled on the Reggie Bush bait last year and drafted him a few rounds too early. Annoyed, I cut the bait and traded him just before he decided to go on his barrage of “good” games. I won’t be fooled this year. Reggie is gonna break the fuck out.

Round 2 is up as well if you want to keep reading.

What is really going on with the Pistons and this Chauncey Billups Contract?

As reported by Natalie over at Need-4-Sheed, it appeared that Chauncey Billups was going to re-sign with the Pistons. This source came long before the Free Press or ESPN.com picked up any word of it and much thanks to Natalie for being on top of things, as usual. In any event, Camp Billups and his agent have since countered the story as it leaked into the mainstream by not only denying it, but also calling it a viscous rumor.

And it’s caused quite a stir amongst the natives. To be honest, I think it’s all going to end up being for nothing. I just don’t see Billups leaving town. I mean, who is really left with the cap space and the urgency/need? Probably only the Milwaukee Bucks, but are they willing to trump a $60 million dollar offer? They have their own backs pressed right now with the whole Yi issue?

We thought this was suppossed to be an eventful summer for the Detroit Pistons. Yet, are there changes really coming down the pipe? I think not. Personally, I would’ve loved to see the Pistons enter the Kobe sweepstakes, but that just isn’t going to happen. Now, we are left with speculation and wondering about the immediate present and near future of this organization.

As usual, Rupes and I got to chatting back and forth via email this past week or so about this very topic and the prognosis of the Pistons future. It all started out with our separate views on the draft. And it’s led us to continue talking about the maddening state of affairs for our beloved team. Will we ever stop dwelling on them…probably not.

Rupes: Presumably, it's just deepening the bench and building for the future, but I'm a little worried about the Pistons drafting two guards in the first round. Do you think it speaks anything about Chauncey's future?

Me: No, not at all. I think it speaks more to how the Pistons are no doubt going to stand pat with their team, barring a few minor tweaks like maybe moving Mohammad or Flip Murray (like anybody actually wants them) and Hunter probably retiring.

To me, Billups is a lock to comeback, but that also means so is everybody else. I personally hated the Pistons draft. They should've traded up for a guy like Brandan Wright once they saw him slipping. Even Noah would've done it for me...now Noah is on our division rival...the Bulls. With this draft the Pistons needed to a number of things...two shooting/combo guards wasn't the answer.

I thought they needed to try and draft a legit Point Guard to back-up Billups and be the future...Javaris Crittenon seemed logical at #15. To top it all off, when they had the choice at #15, Nick Young was still on the table and seemed to be the best option. No offense to Rodney Stuckey, but I think Young has more UPSIDE.

As for the Affalo pick, he's a winner and a nice guy. He will contribute, but never be a star. Understandable, considering every team needs these solid character guys that play tough every night. Yet, this seemed like a typical Dumars pick. He probably sees a lot of himself in Affalo. I do think Affalo will do well in Detroit, but I’d have rather seen them package this pick to move up in the Draft.

In my opinion, what this draft signified was that they aren't breaking up the core. They can't move Rasheed, because they will have no size up-front if they do. They aren't going after Kobe, they aren’t trading Rip, and they are sticking with what they have…bottom line. And it also probably means getting older by bringing in Grant Hill. GASP - this team is dying...slowly.

(UPDATE: Grant Hill just signed with the Suns, so we can scratch that rumor).

Rupes: I think you totally disagree with me on this one, but I would have loved to see a push for Marion. He fits the Piston's philosophy of unselfish role players perfectly. Plus, taking Rasheed's spot on the defensive end and teaming up with Tayshaun would provide a stifling defense. What's up now? I heard rumors that it was Sheed and Amir for Marion, which sounds like about 40 cents on the dollar for Marion, but the late first round pick and Sheed might have been a conceivable trade for the Suns. That way the Suns get a little cheaper power forward and another draft pick to sell.

Me: Yeah, Marion is a nice player. However, the problem with trading Sheed is pretty simple…they don’t have anybody to replace him. As is right now, McDyess is coming back, but without Sheed we’d have to rely on him as a starter or even worse we’d have to play Mohammad. I don’t anticipate them re-signing Webber, so we are pretty much stuck with Sheed (which of course, I don’t see as a bad thing).

A lot of talk on Marion is that maybe he is a product of Steve Nash. Yes, I do understand he put up pretty impressive numbers before Nash arrived, but would he be as spectacular in the half-court slow it down Eastern Conference?

Rupes: There's been a lot of talk about the fake Chauncey contract, did you hear about that?

Me: I think his agent is lying. I think the deal is all, but done. I bet the two camps are just hammering out the final details and his agent just doesn't want to deter any last ditch attempts at bigger money...which isn't coming. So basically, he's like "no we don't have a deal" in hopes that the Bucks (about the only team left w/money) panics and opts to throw a bigger contract his way. It's just a tactical ploy to get more money.

And why not? On the heels of this Rashard Lewis deal, Camp Billups has to feel as if they deserve more.

Rupes: That's an interesting conspiracy theory. He did sensationalize it a lot. On ESPN.com it was addressed as a "Viscous Rumor." I'm not really sure what is viscous about that; they reported it for 60 million over 5 years or something totally in line with expectations.

Me: I couldn’t agree with you more. Really, huh? An annual salary roughly equal to $12 million per year (when all is said and done) is a huge sleight aimed at Billups, right? How insulting for the Pistons to offer him max money? This is totally just a front by Andy Miller (Billups Agent) in an effort to maybe, just maybe, spark a shred of curiosity from any other possible suitors outside of the Bucks and Pistons.

Rupes: So where does this team go now…direction wise?

Me: I think they are on their last leg. The East is weak for now, but the same cast can’t just keep sputtering along and hope to make it back the Conference Finals year in and year out. The Bulls will be better, Orlando is upgrading with Rashard Lewis, LeBron will only get better, Wade will be healthy again and let’s face it…this team is aging.

I think Dumars could be watching the slippage of this organization and not even realize it. We all knew it was going to be a bizarre off-season with many questions to be answered about the future. However, in my opinion it looks as though Dumars is trying to avoid these questions and issues as best he can.

I know it’s still early, so we will see how it all goes down. I know one thing, I’ll be curious to see the final product. Stick around, because things could get interesting, very interesting, if my premonition on the Chauncey deal is totally false. Then…and only then…will we be embarking down an uncharted and very bleak path ahead.

Will It Go Round In Circles?

I'm not so sure that title makes any sense for a links post, but it's a good funk song so who really cares? Plus, it gives us a chance to post a picture of Billy Preston.

As you may have heard, we've been the target of some blog terrorists lately, so our mentality with the linkage is to say thanks to our friends in the Sphere and of course cheers to anyone who writes a gem.

My Name is Willie explains an anomaly in the All-Star game fan voting, Curtis Granderson. I was surprised by this too as he is certainly one of the most likable guys in baseball. Another cool post is this video of a nine year old pulling off some incredible soccer tricks. I highly recommend watching it. Note to parents, if you give a nine year old a bag off grass and a hacky sack he too will get this good.

A standing ovation for a movie? Holy shit, that is amazing. I've been hearing a lot of great things, so I'm definitely optimistic about Transformers now. Dangerous, I know. These guys at Chicagogoalsgroup are funny and they actually like us.

Yellow Chair Sports has a very funny look at Big Z's campaign to make the all star game. "We've really tapped into the power of the internet," said Zambrano's campaign manager, Juan Carlos Raul Baez-Rodrigo. "Especially in attracting the young voters--Carlos is huge on MySpace and other social networking websites."

I think Jack Cobra had the exact same conversation as me and every other gathering in New York on the 4th of July. What's wrong with the Yankees?

Gheorghe talks about contributing to Extrapolater's Voodoo Sabermetrics on Cole Hamels, but what really cracked me up was their comments on the most awkward lap dance songs - a topic that began on Simmon's chat. These guys always tend to have really funny chats in their comment sections.

Sarah from Strike Zones and End Zones won the KSK fantasy football contest with a strong entry... and she's pretty cute too.

Happy 4th Of July

I'm sure we all have our little favorites of American culture to salute today. Some of us like baseball, apple pie, NASCAR, fast food chains, or Ron Popeil.

For me it's bluegrass music. Given that this is primarily a sports blog, I wouldn't really be surprised if not one single person sees this who feels the same, but bluegrass music - and the people who love it - are one of the best representations of some pretty cool qualities of our society. Not to mention, they are some of the finest musicians in the world.

One of my fondest memories to date is a trip I took to the Telluride Bluegrass Festival. One of by best friends took off a couple days before and I drove out from Denver by myself to meet him, because I had to work. By the time I arrived, he already had a crew of ten plus new friends who were some of the funnest, nicest people I've ever met. Some were young, some a little older with their kids, some preppy, and others a little ragged. It was just a bunch of people who shared a passion and were ready to have a blast.

Unlike so many music genres, people don't try to own this stuff. It's not about hipsters/poseurs/newbie/custies or the other semantics for outcasting fans. Better yet, it's not about making the moolah. It's pretty much just music, camping, and having fun. The Boulder Brewery let you fill up Nalgene bottles full of great beer for 2 or 3 bucks all weekend. Maybe that's why I fell asleep in the Porta John, who knows?

By the middle of the first day of a bluegrass festival, you don't know who is in what band nor do you care. There is so much friendly interplay between musicians and covers of classic music that its becomes one giant collaboration. So, for your listening (or ignoring) pleasure, I have attached a few of my favorite musicians, including Sam Bush, the Hot Buttered Rum String Band, Greensky Bluegrass, and the Yonder Mountain String Band.

Well, this is good old Americana at its finest for yours truly. It makes me want to sit on a sunny porch, drink Coronas, meet new pals, and waste time. I hope you have a happy 4th that goes a little something like that as well.

The Hot Buttered Rum String Band - 3.2

If you can hear em, you gotta listen to the lyrics of this song. It's a pretty funny satire of the 3.2% beer laws in CO and UT.



Sam Bush & Friends - Ginseng Sullivan



Greensky Bluegrass - Grow Bananas

Tihs is an up and coming crew from Michigan playing at the home of the best beer on the planet, Bell's.



Yonder Mountain String Band - Angel

Not my favorite YMSB song choice, but it's a good quality video and the amount of smoke in the air is pretty funny.

Is A European NFL Team A Viable Option?

According to the Times Online and Michael David Smith at the Fanhouse, the NFL is in talks with several prominent British Universities with the end goal of creating an academy for promising young football stars - American football.

The NFL is not trying to sugar coat this by playing it off as a breeding ground for new talent. On the contrary, they made it blatantly clear that they want to find a British star to help market the game across the pond.

According to David Tossell (Via the Times Online article), the NFL International’s director of public affairs, “We don’t have an iconic British player. There are two ways you can do it — a short-term fix, importing someone like a Jonny Wilkinson, or a long-term plan, developing players. The NFL is not indigenous to anywhere apart from America, so we don’t have a supply of international players going into the league.”

This development raises a few prurient questions: 1) What does yours truly think about it, 2) Will It Work , and 3) Is A European NFL Team A Viable Option?

In thinking about question #1, I think is that this is gimicky and I do not support it. If the league handled this with a more diplomatic approach, I would be more apt to buy in to it. I am all for the globalization of all sports (as well as the economy, but that's another story), but this is blantantly just a glorified Star Search or American Idol. Let's do this right. If you want to start a football academy overseas, open it up to China, Germany, Azerbaijan, and anyone else who wants to give it a shot. The London location is great, but why not seek talent from all over the world? This targeting of a hip Londoner to become the Beckham of the NFL is annoying and unfair to the rest of the world. The NBA has done an admirable job of scouting talent abroad and attracting new markets, so take a page from their book. By the way, the first step should be to work on the name. Football academy doesn't really have the NFL ring to it.

My gut reaction to #2 is "yes." I know it seems contradictory to everything I just said, but just because I think it's a tacky idea, I think I could work. I do not necessarily see this academy developing into a powerhouse breeding ground for the NFL, but I think it'll end up a decent launching pad for British youngsters to get transfers to good U.S. college programs or post huge numbers and get drafted. I foresee it being essentially becoming a decent Division 2 school or 1-AA program. After all, I think it is safe to assume that this academy would want to play some games. I doubt if they will jump right into the Big Ten, so look for some tough battles with Misssippi Valley State. And, just like Mississippi Valley State, they will likely pop out a Jerry Rice every now then. I'm certain that England would produce the talent if the incentives are there. Well, I can't say I really see a British offensive lineman, but I bet those quick feet could produce some damn fine kick returners.

Finally, is a European NFL team a viable option?

Let's weigh a few points first. For starters, why is London considered this hotbed for NFL football? Granted, the World League was a joke, but the London Monarchs tanked and closed theirdoors after the 1998 season. This may not be the ideal location for a team as many Brits are pretty bitter towards American Football. In all fairness, we did steal the name of their sport and slap it on out own game despite the fact that it barely even makes sense. The Times Online article highlights the fact that while the World League team collapsed after posting dismal attendance numbers, Londoners have a rather large fan base for the real NFL. I don't disagree with this, but I would add that I would be cautious here as a significant portion of these "fans" are either Americans abroad or "dip a toe in the water" fans. Looking at the number of viewers for the Super Bowl or tickets sold to the first ever NFL game in London does not really give any indication of the number of dedicated fans.

Seondly, why race to Europe? Haven't we forgotten about Canada enough already? If not Canada, why not Mexico? We already know they have the fans and they also have another key advantage. They are actually close to the U.S. I say we go with Mexico. The other kind of football games with Mexico have developed into a legit rivalry, the fans are a riot, the food is the best in the world, and they have legal prescription drugs. What's so great about Europe anyway?

Finally, the logistics of a European team are not insurmountable, but they are also not to be taken lightly. A team in London would be feasible enough for conference games, assuming they were in the NFC or AFC East. Two games a year against the east coast teams wouldn't kill anyone. What happens when you get a game in Denver and fly 10 hours and then play a mile up in the air? Those poor guys would all be dehydrated, jetlagged, and nursing altitude sickness. It would be awfully hard on the players to undergo all of the extra effort to play in Europe. Granted, London is an amazing city and the pros certainly hang in within the cons, but they would be at a massive disadvantage for a significant number of games. Not to mention, they have to suffer through international travel on a regular basis. After a couple seasons, I suspect few Europeans or Americans would want to play for the London team due to the added stresses of the heavy travel load.

Regardless of how this plays out, it's an interesting development to keep an eye on in the NFL. After all, the NFL is the greatest sports league in the world, isn't about time the rest of the world figured it out?

The Top 25 "Obscure Sports" Movies: #11 Thru #15

For a complete description of the The Top 25 "Obscure Sports" Movies and the celebrity sports bloggers who contributed, check out this jump (Part I: Getting Started). For those of you who are too lazy, here's a quick recap.

"Obscure Sports" - Anything that is NOT football, basketball, baseball, hockey, or soccer (with a special exemption for hooligan flicks).

Also, before you get started on this one, you can check out the first few segments if you missed them. We're counting 'em down in true suspense-building fashion.

Part II: #21 Thru #25 and the Also-Rans
Part III: #16 thru #20

#11 - Quicksilver

No top 25, top 10, or even top 5 movie list would be complete without at least one Kevin Bacon film. Coming off a bad career move in the financial game, Bacon's character, Jack Casey, decides to hang up the suit and tie in favor of a ten speed to become a bike messenger. While Quicksilver has some great 80s tunes and a quality cast including Paul Rodriguez, Louie Anderson, and Jami Gertz (the divorcee wife from Twister), it's pretty heavy on the sap and a little light on the 80s fun. There's a lot of emphasis on the love story and the "money can't buy happiness" theme. Nevertheless, it's got Kevin Bacon, bike dancing, and a suspenseful car/bike chase scene.

Apparently back in 1986, these were pretty slick moves on a bike, but the luster is a little faded now that the BMX guys do double back flips. Nevertheless, a bike dance off is always worthy of a Youtube clip. Plus, it will whet your appetite for Breakin 2, which is coming up in just a short few movies at #14.



While brushing up on Quicksilver, I came across endless comments about geographic continuity errors. While the movie was set in San Francisco, appenrently there are glaringly obvious flubs with scenes shot in L.A. and New York. One other little bit of trivia, Quicksilver Messenger Service is actually a band from the late sixties who played at Monterey Pop and Woodstock - a really shitty one.

TurfToe and Empty the Bench were the biggest fans of Quicksilver, both donning the coveted 10 ranking, while Gheoghe and Jack Cobra gave the lowest with a 3 and a 4 respectively.

#12 - Cool Runnings

I probably shouldn't admit this, but Cool Runnings gets the mist going everytime. I don't know what it is about those zany Jamaican bobsledders, but it's quite the emotional ending for me. Looking at the other blogger's ratings I think I see why, the female contributors gave rave reviews as well, in particular 10 scores from Need4Sheed and the Ladies...

While Cool Runnigs falls into the feel good camp, there is something a little more endearing about it than the Disney sports fluff like the the Mighty Ducks. It certainly helps that the late great John Candy is the bobsled coach and Doug E. Doug plays the memorable Sanka Coffie.

Did you know? Cool Runnings is actually based on a true story of the 1988 Olympics.

#13 - BASEketball

Remember when Yasmine Bleeth and Jenny McCarthy were still hot? Well, BASEketball had them both and it still sucked. The film created by South Park co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone didn't do it for me. The South Park geniuses co-wrote this movie about an invented new sport that combines aspects of both Basketball and Baseball. The idea was brilliant, but the writing was just way beneath what we have grown to expect from South Park. My compadre from the Ghosts, Leopold Mellonbottom, also gave this a score of 1 and he is by far the biggest South Park fan I know, so I don't think I am blowing smoke (maybe that's my problem - ooh, dumb joke). Nevertheless, most of the contributing bloggers completely disagree with our assessment: Our Book of Scrap gave Baseketball a 10 and five other bloggers gave a score of 7 or better. I suspect it's a mustache movie - one that gets better with each additional time you see it. Maybe it's worth another shot.

I got a copy of the rules from the comment board on IMDB and included a diagram, so go ahead and give BASEketball a whirl.

• A single is at the free-throw line
• A double is at the top of the key
• A triple is from behind the key
• A homerun is further back ("behind the meatballs" in the driveway)
• You can't shoot from the same place twice
• If you miss you get an out
• A tip-in by the defense is a double play
• A failed tip-in by the defense can be attempted by another defense player for the double play
• A failed second defense tip-in can be attempted by an offensive player (a "conversion") and if they make it then the original shot is good
• If the offensive player misses then another offensive player can try for the conversion as well
• A "bunt" can be made from the orange circles. Although a bunt will not allow players on base it is a place you can shoot and not use one of the other nine areas to shoot from
• A homerun can be attempted indefinitely, and, like bunts, is not subject to the "you can't shoot from the same place twice" rule.
• Gay jokes are not allowed.

#14 - Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo

Where can you even begin with this masterpiece? Breakin 2: Electric Bugaloo had a killer title, great characters, and a touching underdog story. Two of the greatest characters in the "Obscure Sports" Top 25 have to be Turbo and Ozone. You probably think the Cobra Kai's had skills, I'd like to see them pull off some of these moves. It's funny, Ozone dresses almost exactly like Brady Quinn in those nototrious wedding photos, yet somehow he doesn't come across one iota as gay.

Breakin 2 also gave us all one of the best guilty pleasure songs of all time, "Believe In The Beat." I searched long and hard (as evidenced by the accidental overdub of safe pregnancy tips in the middle of the clip) to come up with this feel good catharsis. They saved the Rec Center... Woohoo, let's dance! If I ever get a band together, you better believe we'll be covering this song in heavy rotation.



Despite 1 scores from Gheorghe - The Blog and the Wayne Fontes Experience, Breakin 2 made a strong #14 finish thanks to 10 scores from Our Book of Scrap and our own Turd Ferguson.

Side notes: keep your eyes peeled for little known, but established actor, Fred Asparagus, as the "Hispanic Man." Also, check out this link or this link if you need more breakin 2 music.

#15 - Hot Dog: The Movie

I am not really sure what this says about my family, but this movie is a true Entwistle family classic. We owned Hot Dog: The Movie back when people only had like three or four VHS recordings, because you had to borrow someone else's VCR to make a copy. I think even my mom could quote every one one Squirrel's lines. I think most families had E.T., An American Tale, and a Christmas Story. We had Hot Dog, Better Off Dead, Mr. Mom, and Vacation. What can I say, my dad is a visionary.

There's so much magic in Hot Dog: The Movie that I have to run bullets to catch all the highlights:

• The Chinese Downhill makes for an epic ending. Our hero, Harken Banks, gets screwed out of the gold by the Euro-friendly judges, so they put it all on the line on a no holds barred, anything goes race to the bottom.Kamikaze's introductory line is particularly hilarious, "What in the frush is a Chinese Downhill?"
• I love the song choice, Prince's "When You Were Mine" for the "let's tear up this mountain" ski scene. That's probably my favorite Prince song and makes you really want to go skiing.
• Lots of Shannon Tweed nudity amongst other gratituity.
  
• Stellar performance by 80's wunderkind, David Naughton, as the aging ski bum. You might know him best from an American Werewolf in Parid. His epic line to Rudi "Garnshit" Garnisch is endlessly amusing for impersonations. "You can kiss my ass. Not on dees side, not on dat side, but vight in zee middle."
• Cheers to the writers for randomness. I love that there is a Americans versus Europeans game of ice broomball.
• Squirrel is an fabolouscharacter, as evidenced by his omnipresent Zinka on his nose as well as one of my oft quoted ski lines, "nice run, what were ya on Shrooms?"
  
• Keep your eyes peeled for the South Park spoof of this flick. Being that the South Park guys are Colorado natives, they must be huge fans.
• Sadly, besides Stan and I, most of the other bloggers gave this pretty luke warm scores. I'm appalled.
  

By the way, if anyone is interested, a couple guys on the IMDB comment board are actively involved in getting a 25th anniversary Hot Dog cast reunion together and are looking for help.