Harry Potter and the Miserable Eleven

Contains some vague spoilers

The college football season is heating up and things are shaking out in an interesting fashion in the Big Ten. As usual, nothing is as it seems and the plot is unfolding with countless twists and turns. Thus, how better to take a midseason look at the Big Ten than to break each team down as a character from the Harry Potter series? The series was gripping from start to finish and we hope that the Big Ten will provide similar excitement all the way to the end… unlike last year.

Penn State – Albus Dumbledore

Although Dumbledore is an undeniably wise old sage with endless wisdom about the task at hand, he needed to look to the younger generation and pass the torch to conquer Voldemort.

Iowa – Bellatrix Lestrange

Bellatrix is a powerful witch who causes trouble for her enemies on a regular basis. Nevertheless, when all is said and done, everyone knows she is not a key character in the story and is not going to emerge victorious.

Michigan – Hermoine Granger

Hermoine started out the adventure young and awkward, but as time goes by she just keeps getting hotter.

Michigan State – Ron Weasley

Ron lives with the constant insecurity that he will never shake the moniker of “Harry’s lackey” or “Little Weasley” and become a respected wizard. He’s definitely capable of greatness, but will never quite match the real powerhouse wizards at Hogwarts.

Northwestern – Fred & George Weasley

The consummate pair of jesters, Fred and George are always good for a laugh. Everybody is always happy to have them around, but nobody takes them too seriously.

Wisconsin – Draco Malfoy

Malfoy was expected to be a force as a dark wizard and arch nemesis to Harry. In the end, he couldn’t seal the deal and his family went down in history as a symbol of mediocrity.

Purdue – Severus Snape

Is he good or bad? You never really know who is going to show up.




Ohio State – Voldemort

A dominant wizard no doubt, Voldemort wreaks havoc on a perennial basis. Voldemort is pure evil to the core and everyone wants to see him lose. He also has a nice collection of sweater vests and allegedly wears Uggs.

Minnesota – Nearly Headless Nick

Nick shows up from time to time, but ultimately plays an insignificant role nearly every year at Hogwarts.

Illinois – Neville Longbottom

Long known as an underachiever whom students and teachers pick on regularly, Longbottom developed into an admirable wizard, brave soldier, and revered academic.

Indiana – Kreacher

Kreacher lived a tough life having lost his leader and overcoming harsh treatment for many years. In the end, Kreacher provided some venerable heroics and proved himself as a worthy ally.