The Buzz Index: Eastern Conference Preview

You’d be hard pressed to find a more adolescent take on the upcoming NBA Season than right here. Nobody ever claimed we were the most mature of folks around the internet. That is in essence why we don’t get paid the big bucks. However, we’re severely under the impression or um, influence that our preview is just about as accurate as it gets. So, in that regards I guess you can take it or leave it. If you’re looking for the in-depth approach you can always find a more traditional dissection somewhere in the MSM, but not here.

Look, everyone has vices and substance abuse is no laughing matter. However, we know fully well that um, drugs are bad. And let’s be honest, the NBA’s Eastern Conference is pretty bad. And that’s why today we are slapping our own labels or intoxicants on each team in the conference just as we see fit. Let me welcome you if we haven’t already done so to the “Buzz Index.” Nobody ever claimed to be rated “PG” around here. So, pick it, pack it, fire it up, inhale, exhale --- scratch that, just follow along…

In no particular order, I give you the Eastern Conference preview.

Speedball – Boston Celtics

I’m sure it seems like fun at first, but you’re mixing some volatile individual substances into a lethal concoction. You’re either gonna get really fucking high or end up dead. Either way, it's stupid. And we wonder why everyone is so “high” on the Celtics. Yet, correct me if I am wrong, but Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett have never won a damn thing in their careers…so suddenly now that they are all together that’s going to different? Oh, I should just stop now, because Boston does have some kind of special karma smiling on their sports scene…these days.

O’Douls – New Jersey Nets

Generates no buzz whatsoever. Kidd, Carter, and Jefferson are undoubtedly a solid core, but is this team ever really gonna go anywhere without a significant change of pace. I’d sooner go for some skunky Budweiser than suffer through this non-potent crap.

Blunts - New York Knicks

Ghetto. Isiah is a sexual harasser and should be out on the streets, Zach Randolph is trouble and will probably make it rain at Scores, and Marbury is well, Starbury. I’m staying away, but keep passin’ it around. I’m sure someone will hit it.

Ritalin – The Detroit Pistons

Makes you feel great and alive for most of the night, but just when you think you're on top of the world; you're depressed, sleep deprived, and can’t stop grinding your teeth. The Pistons should make the playoffs, but there is little reason to believe that things will be materially different that last season. The wildcard is really the development of Jason Maxiell and Amir Johnson. Hopes are high, but it’s yet to be seen if they can take the Pistons to the next level.

Dom Perignon – Philadelphia 76ers

Despite paying an absolute fortune, the result is mediocre and you’re just left needing more booze. Philly is true cap disaster with nearly a quarter of their cap space tied up by Chris Webber and Aaron McKie. The result is a team that highlights Andre Iguodala and a supporting cast of Kyle Korver, Andre Miller, Willie Green, and Sam Dalembert. It’s no wonder they drop so much cash for bubbly, it’s the only way these guys are ever gonna score.

Stella Artois– Toronto Raptors

The high quality brew that just continues to gain popularity. With the Celtics doing a good job in trying to buy a championship, Toronto is going to gain a lot more fans. They look like the best choice to help shut the Celtics out of the postseason. Bosh is a legitimate superstar, Ford is a joy to watch run the offense, Bragnani brings some Euro flavor, and everyone loved Juan Dixon. Surprisingly smooth.

Ecstasy – Chicago Bulls

I love these guys. Don’t you guys totally love these guys? Man, they are so awesome. Do you have a cigarette I can bum? A team that showed its legs last season should improve with the addition of Joe Smith, Joakim Noah (in time), and arguably the best 1, 2, and 3 in the NBA. Plus, Big Ben Wallace should continue to find his role, as his start was a regression from his best days on defense with Detroit. All together, this team is coming together beautifully.

Heroin – Cleveland Cavaliers

Once you get used to it, you can’t live without it. Let’s face it; this is officially the LeBron show. If he doesn’t show up, you’re as good as dead. And oh my, how the Cavs fans have become addicted to LeBron, but for good reason. However, it only leaves one guessing as to why the Cavs made very little if any moves to support LeBron this season. Apparently, competing for and having a shot to win the East is enough for Cleveland. So, nobody will be surprised when they are dried up with track marks on their arms in June.

Acid – Atlanta Hawks

Dude, why is the crowd moving as swirly like that? I think they are growling at us, let’s get the fuck outta here. I think I’m having a bad trip. Don’t worry, it’s not a dream, they are just cheering. Also, don’t be too surprised if they start winning some games too. The Hawks have the youngest team in the NBA and are chock full of talent. When you see them in the playoffs this spring, remember, it’s not just the drugs. They might actually be decent.

Hamm’s Beer – Milwaukee Bucks

Always mildly interesting is that beer. You see the label and immediately expectations and curiosity arise. However, in the end you are left with just an average beer that leaves you with mud butt. Yeah, the payoff isn’t as good the price or the bigger picture if you get my drift. The Bucks continue to assemble “nice” young talent and pieces you’d expect to fit well, but somehow the beer always goes flat in the end.

Whippets – Charlotte Bobcats

Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha…they hit you fast and intense, but the fun lasts for about 30 seconds and then you feel pretty stupid. That’s kind of the story of the Charlotte Bobcats, they are one of those “under” the radar teams that some people feel could jump into the discussion of interest in the Leastern Conference. However, in reality the buzz should be short lived as they don’t have the lasting power to linger in even the Eastern Conference.

Red Bull & Vodka – Washington Wizards

Pure Energy with an intense buzz. A much needed frantic change of pace to get your blood pumping and heart pounding. However, in the morning you’ll always wonder if your heart is going to explode and your head tends to feel like it got hit with an iron. Yup, that’s about what you get with Wizards, fully throttle excitement until the wheels come off with nagging injuries and or the inability to play defense in the playoffs.

Budweiser – Miami Heat

Old Beechwood aged and refined. The Heat just keep lingering around like a stale Budweiser fart. LeBron has “sort of” moved past the whole Dwayne Wade-mania thing, by carrying a cast of nobody’s to the NBA Finals, while Wade carried a group of overweight veterans. Anyhow, the feat of Miami winning the Championship seems less and less of a vivid memory now, much like the last time I’ve ever actually consumed a Budweiser. Yet, I guess it’s still the King of Beers and Miami does still have Shaq and Wade, so book them in the contender category.

Valium – Indiana Pacers

Sometimes you just want to forget it all and ease the pain with a nice “put me to slip” pill. And that’s the Indiana Pacers; fans just want to forget about all that’s happened the past few years. There has been a major overhaul and turnover amongst the organization, but Larry Bird still resides near the top. In any event, LB wishes he would’ve taken a Valium and slept from ’04 to the present. However, once he gets a load of this roster and the surrounding talent he might not need a Valium to fall asleep…they’ve got sheer boredom written all over them.

Zima – Orlando Magic

Not only J.J Redick’s drink of choice, but also the ideal representative of the Magic organization. They are like the Zima of the NBA…just a fad that never seemed to materialize. They re-work the image, tweak the roster from time to time and actually get close, but somehow the marketing just never gets the product off the ground. And for the record, accounting is demanding an expense report and detailed receipts on a huge marketing blunder named Rashard Lewis. Enjoy ze contract and zomezing zifferent.

Coming next week, the Western Conference.