The Epitome & Agony of Being a Lions Fan

The Detroit Lions belong in rehab. No; not the individual players or lone select members of the organization, rather the entire concept of the Lions as a whole. They’ve done more face plants and had enough embarrassing moments, it’s about time we stop fucking keeping track. Yet, somehow the Lions have still been given the support and trust from legions of devoted fans over the years only to leave us betrayed, year in and year out. I guess it’s our own fault as fans for actually believing things are going to change.

You can’t pinpoint one season, one era, one person, not even Matt Millen can be used as a scapegoat. Things got bad and things have gotten worse. However, how can we really say things were ever really that good before Millen arrived? If you’ve always been in an abusive relationship, with what can you compare the good times? That’s us folks, Lions fans in a nutshell.

This year things are supposed to be different, the attitude, the culture, the ideals…they’ve all turned over. Yeah sure, I’m supposed to fucking believe that?

In order to understand the root of this pessimism…we’ve got to back, way back. The year was 1991 and we were riding the wave of emotion with the support of Mike Utley and the “Thumbs Up” slogan. In what could be argued as the best single season for the organization they ripped off a 38-6 drumming of the Dallas Cowboys in the NFC divisional playoffs.

The following weekend they went up the RFK where Mark “fucking” Rypien and the Redskins lit them up to a tune of 41-10. That was as close as the Lions have gotten or will ever get to the Superbowl and I’ve long since come to grips with that, which is fine. Coincidentally enough, that one playoff win was and is the lone playoff win in the past 50 years for the Detroit Lions. Yes, right on par with the Arizona Cardinals for playoff win futility...no fucking joke.

And as of today the Lions are nearing a 9 year hiatus from the playoffs. Their last appearance was well before Millen was sworn into office and it resulted in a 27-13 ass smash by whom else, but the Redskins. Before that, in 1997 their playoff game against Tampa Bay ended with Frank Reich spiking the ball on 4th down in Tampa territory down by 10, less than two minutes to play. A heads up play to stop the clock; fucking morons.

The Lions as an organization have always been run on incompetence. Bobby Ross was arguably the last legitimate coach we’ve had, but he couldn’t take it anymore and simply walked out on the team midway through a season. He was replaced by local drunk, Gary Moeller. He wasn’t good enough so they brought on the tag team of Millen and Morningwheg.

Marty Morningwheg etched his way into the coaching elite when he guided a near playoff team the previous year (8-8) to the brink of going winless in his first year as a head coach. And who could ever forget his decision to take the wind instead of the fucking ball in overtime on the road against the Bears? I mean the Lions were only on a 2 year “ROAD” losing streak.

It makes you wonder…were things all that bad with Wayne Fontes at the helm? I mean, Wayne had a heart like a Lion and they had to keep him around because of that. Of course, he would mainly spend practices riding around in a Golf Cart and talking to his bookie on a cell phone. Anyhow, his smile and game face were fucking priceless. He had no clue what the hell he was doing out there, but nonetheless he was Detroit’s blue Collar hero.

The Cocaine Wayne era saw its share of ups and downs. Of course, none more memorable than the 1995 season; when the Lions made us all believers for a brief moment only to crush our spirits, yet again.

After starting out a sub-par season at 3-6 it seemed the Lions were once again doomed and destined to be a failure. This would inevitably mark the end of the Wayne Fontes era in Detroit. However, something happened. The big lumbering drunk of a QB, Scott Mitchell caught lightning in a bottle and with the aid of Barry Sanders, Brett Perriman, Herman Moore and Johnnie Morton…the Lions were a fucking juggernaut.

Amidst a 7 game winning streak they headed to Philadelphia for a wildcard showdown, where they were actually favorites. Everything seemed so right, as if for once the Gods of Karma were looking down on the Honolulu Blue and Silver. Perhaps, we all let the wins go to our head and even carried an heir of confidence on our shoulders about this team. Why? I will never know.

As the game approached, Big Lomas Brown decided it was the ideal time to trash talk…just a little. Talk about a fucking jinx, did he forget the city, the organization, the history? He was quoted on TV and in the papers as guaranteeing a victory over former Lions QB Rodney Pete and his new team the Philadelphia Eagles. And this was done in no joking manner; the team was reading into the press clippings.

This would have been a great moment in Detroit to run Public Service Ads showing a clip from "Friday the 13th", with crazy Ralph riding his bicycle around and warning all the campers “You’re all doomed. DOOMED!” We should have known the same thing that happened to those teenagers was going to happen to the Lions. Perhaps, we were all a little naïve.

DEC. 30th 1995

Things really weren’t going that bad; I mean it was 7-7 midway through the first quarter. Follow that up with 31 unanswered 2nd quarter points from the Eagles to pile on a 38-7 halftime lead. It got really comical after Scott Mitchell’s last of 4 first half interceptions was taken to the house by Barry Wilburn. I remember a quote from the Detroit Free Press that went something like the following:

“Mitchell stormed the sidelines after his 5th turnover of the game (4 INT’s and a fumble). He was benched in the 2nd quarter and threw his helmet down the sidelines behind the Lions bench. It was clearly his best toss of the game.”

With less than 20 seconds to go in the first half and the Eagles just past mid-field, Fontes prepared the team to head into the tunnel and perhaps, check on getting an early flight home. As the Lions got midway into the tunnel, the Eagles called a timeout and brought the Lions back on the field. Rodney Pete lofted a 43 yard “Hail Mary” in the end-zone to Rob Carpenter. Check mate, humiliation, ball game.

Lion fans will never forget the Philly massacre, nor will they ever remember that the Lions actually scored 37 points in a road playoff game. We were used to being shut out. Did it matter? No, they were behind 51-7 in the 3rd; the humiliation had already taken place. The final score was 58-37; Egg and Shame all over our faces yet again. Another failed season and another strike against optimism.

To this day, those are just a few of the shameful experiences that hold Lions fans back from fully believing in this team. And to think, I hardly even touched on Matt Millen all that much. You see, he really isn’t the full brunt of the blame…now is he? There is so much more to a storied history of embarrassment, failed opportunities, wasting Barry Sanders career, etc.

I’ll give you a few more names to cast some stones at: Eric Hipple, Rusty Hilger, Stoney Case, Dave Kreig, Gus Frerotte, Matt Blundin, Rodney Peete, Frank Reich, Erik Kramer, Scott Mitchell, Don Majikowski, Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, Bob Gagliano, Joey Harrington, Charlie Batch, Mike McMahon, Jeff Garcia…did I forget anyone?

Anyone recall when Scott Mitchell got bombed and dressed up like Wayne Fontes and made an ass of himself on national TV? Yet, Mitchell will most be remembered for his last play in a Lions uniform when on a 4th and 1 against Tampa in the playoffs; he called an audible for a naked bootleg. Of course, he lost 3 yards on the play and the Lions lost the game. He faked an injury to leave the game and was spotted heavily overserved at a Tampa nightclub and later a strip bar. What a pile of shit.

And so we march into yet another season with a questionable QB at the helm, Jon Kitna. It’s another season with Millen and another “iffy” coach in Rod Marinelli.

It’s the same song and dance that it’s always been for the Lions. If we as fans think it’s been terrible for the past 5 years, we need think again. It hasn’t been all the pleasant for a long time and with the exception of Barry Sanders it may never have been too memorable. Alas, we can’t keep harping on the past and can only hope eminent change is due our way. Fortunately, for Lions fans we always know after the first few weeks what to expect all season.

That is just how it is when you deal with the epitome and agony of mediocrity that is…the Detroit Lions.