Pardon me for my lack of enthusiasm or optimism, but I’m not falling for it this time. Every year of my waking life as a devoted and delusional sports fan, I’ve convinced myself the Cubs were going to win the World Series. And what’s realistically to stop me from the same proclamation this year?
I mean the Tribune Company opened the pocket books and brought in Alfonso Soriano, Mark DeRosa, Neal Cotts, Jason Marquis, Ted Lilly, Cliff Floyd, re-upped Aramis Ramirez and Zambrano, as well as hired Lou Pinella to manage the crew.
So, the expectation and excitement is on a similar playing field, as it was about 4 years ago when the Cubs were 5 outs from the World Series before Steve Bartman gave up 8 runs in the top of the eighth inning and committed a few errors in the due process.
Anyhow, what it would mean to anyone who has ever followed the Cubs is unimaginable. Every member of this team even the guys like Buck Coats, Angel Pagan, Will Ohman, Robert Novoa, Jeff Samardzija, Kerry Wood and Mark Prior would be fucking legends in the city of Chicago. Pinella would be a God. Nobody would ever forget this year, this team, this roster…they would all own keys to city and our hearts.
It seems all so surreal and that’s why I’m not kidding myself. I’m really not that excited, because I just know that nothing on the surface that seems so good can actually be so true. That’s why I am here to let the air out of the balloon. Here are SEVERAL good reasons why the Cubs will fuck this thing up.
Carlos Zambrano’s arm is finally going to fall off.
In a complete reverse of cruel fate, this is finally the year that Wood and Prior remain healthy, only to see Big Z’s arm fall off in May. Not kidding, the past two-three years of endless innings and being the only pitcher on the team will catch up to Carlos. That or he will go on an eating binge and lose all ability to rotate his arm around the girth of his tits and belly, but that at least is correctable.
I’m banking on the former, his fucking arm falls off for sure.
Jason Marquis and Ted Lilly will be mental cases by June.
You could’ve gotten even money on this one in Vegas a few months ago. Yet, as we get closer to the season starting, one or the other going AWOL is at 1:6. Jim Hendry did know that these were career .500 pitchers with ERA’s in the upper 4’s right? Welcome to Wrigley Field you fucking sacrificial lambs.
If Jacque Jones thought he got it bad in his first season in Chicago…just wait until Marquis is doing his best LaTroy Hawkins impression and giving up gopher ball after gopher ball. And Ted Lilly…uh, no comment.
Really, looking forward to these guys at the top of the rotation.
Cliff Floyd is nearly 40 and will stunt Matt Murton’s development.
Really, this should be worded as Alfonso Soriano is going to stunt the advancement of Felix Pie. Yet, it’s Alfonso Soriano, so I won’t complain. Old Cliff though, come on now…we need to see more of Murton. Matty will probably never be a star, but he is a grinder.
On a team full of ego’s and potential stars…you need grinders. The reason the Yankees don’t win anymore is because they don’t have grinders. Matty Murton is the only potential grinder the Cubs really have. Besides, I’m not feeling Cliff Floyd and his .250 average. There is a reason he came home to Chicago, because nobody else wanted him.
Lou Pinella doesn’t believe in Curses.
Poor Lou, some fans already want him fired. He has no idea the shit-storm of expectations he has just walked into. And low and behold he denounces any such notion of a curse. That’s not what Cub fans wanted to hear Lou.
Why couldn’t he just walk in and say look, I know there is a curse here. “Yet, I tell you this; we are going to take that curse by the balls and strangle it to death. We are going to beat the shit out of this curse and fuck it like a goat…my name is Lou Pinalla and endorsed that statement.” Would’ve been a much better motto than…IN DUSTY WE TRUSTY!
Mark Prior and his stinky Vagina.
It’s bound to flare up at some point in the season. No matter how many times he douches and no matter how well the valtrex seems to work, you can’t disguise the flare ups with Mark Prior’s fat calf’s and pussy. Wake me up if he goes over 100 IP this season, anything would top his whopping 43 IP last season.
Ron Santo denied by the Veterans Committee…again.
Sad. So Sad. Five fucking votes? Give me a break already. I’m really disappointed by this, sarcasm and jokes aside. Let the man in the hall of fame you pricks!!! Logic says the Cubs should win just on vengeance for Santo’s blatant omission alone, but that would be too much of a feel good story.
Mark Cuban wants to buy the Cubs.
Yup, Wrigley is going wireless for sure now. Cuban will set-up Blog-row on the middle concourse just next to the P.F Chang’s.
Jay Mariotti will come out of his self imposed hiatus to bleed out any positive spin on the season.
The Cubs could be in first place, but Mr. Negative will order Cubs fans to be stripped of their optimism. He’ll go to extraordinary lengths to make sure none of us “believe.” Expect a full on assault starting in April on “Around the Horn.” Go blow Woody Paige you smug prick, bash the White Sox…you…you…what’s the word Ozzie Guillen used to describe Mariotti? Oh right, fucking "BEEP."
And lastly let’s face it…it’s the Cubs they’ll just find a way to fuck this thing up.
They always do. So, until they prove me wrong…I’ve got to guard the optimism.
moe.
3 hours ago
15 comments:
Top 5 Reasons Why Cubs Will WIn the World Series This Year (and the next Five After that):
1) Wrigley is putting Viagra endorsements on the ivy this year. That has to boost confidence- the commercial even says so. In combination with steroids, the possibilities are endless.
2) The Board of Directors at the Trib want to maximize its corporate value before they sell away.
3) No major lawsuits [yet] this year involving massive chunks of cement paralyzing Wrigley patrons.
4) Lou Pinella doesn't believe in a God.
5) The Police are performing at Wrigley.
Having lived in NYC for the past 3 summers and hating the Yankees, I've caught a handful of Met games. If there's one guy you will never have faith in to get on base, it is Cliff Floyd.
Well since Carlos Zambrano has already guaranteed the Cubs WILL win the world series...that in and of itself scares the shit out of me. I guess if his arm falls off this year, he could always eat the other team with a side of ranch dressing.
Umm, Vagina threw his first spring game in over 2 years and could only land 17 strikes in 39 pitches...pretty scary. Nice calf implants...or did you really take Steroids Vageeenaa!!! "You will never get this, you will never get my vageeena."
Yeah, I'm not falling for it. Under Armour billboards in the Ivy? Come on.
Is Woo-Woo still alive?
Did I hear that they are pursuing gayrod?
I'd welcome A-Rod only if his PA music was El Debarge. Randy Debarge used to by me Alcohol when I was 16...not kidding. Al kicked him out of the band and he became addicted to crack and swear to god...he lived in the neighborhood and he bought us beer.
A-Rod is too stubborn to leave New York though.
I can never understand the constant knock on Prior.
Didn't he start pitching in the majors, like, three months after he pitched in the college World Series?
Did the dude not take a liner off his elbow which was initially described as "likely career ending" (not to mention "wiping ass with right hand ending") and still come back that season?
He may not have the wing left to accrue any innings, but I sure wouldn't call him a pussy.
I peronally have nothing, but love for Prior. I adore his fat calfs.
he's a pussy...
I may hate the Cubs (Sox fan), but we can all agree to get along and hate Marrioti together.
The Tribune Company essentially hammered the final nail in the coffin of print journalism by destroying one of the nations last good newspapers, The L.A. Times. Don't expect them to do much for baseball.
I have much empathy for Prior. Without him, we wouldn't have been 5 outs from the World Series in 2003. Prior threw a flawless game up until that point and 'Moistest Are You' should have been veteran enough to not thrown a shitfit with the Bartman incident and let Prior keep his focus.
Prior and Wood carried this team on their backs in 2003 and made Cubs baseball exciting for the first time since 1997. I hope all turns out well for him in his career.
ditto. I only poke fun at Prior...and believe me, I am only doing this as a reverse jinx. I don't know if I can relive 2003.
Thank you CD.
That Moises hissy fit and subsequent fan reaction were by far the most shocking events that transpired. and blaming Bartman is MINDLESS PHILOSOPHY at its best.
we should ask alex gonzalez about the biggest distraction though i imagine he's too professional to place blame even though he's not professional enough to field a rountiner than routine waist high hop after having a teammate turn 5 yrs old on the field a couple batters ago and a handful of inhumanly ill-willed individuals relentlessly trying their hardest to make one guy in the stands feel like absolute shit (and lot letting it go even after he feels like absolute shit). i'd say those were the events that had to have put real life ahead of baseball, NLCS or not, for everyone involved.
(NOTE: i was sober that game and watching on TV.)
bash 'em now, but realize we need either woody or prior to win, baby...
i think painting them as losers in spring makes for historically appropriate segue into a late summer bandwagon. i think we got it right to think they're losers now, even if we're not quite sure why we do it. it's how we personalize our team in the era of free agency.
-A Chicagoan's baseball spiriuality for all to see.
The people that blamed or still blame Bartman are morons. Moises probably wouldn't even have caught the ball.
Gonzo for sure gets forgotten. Or what about The Farns...he couldn't throw a strike and when he did it was meat high over the plate.
ah, I can't re-live that game, but all the Bartman bashers also forget -- there was a Game 7.
I'd actually love to meet Bartman someday to tell him "sorry" people are so ignorant that they hang the Cubs choking on him. Poor guy.
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