Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #5

Tripping Over A Crack In the Sidewalk

It's hard to gauge which situation is more awkward, the mid-conversation with the colleagues biff where everyone consoles you and asks if you are alright or the solo stub where you have nobody to even react to your spastic walking habits besides people just looking at you with a grimace. At least with the mid-conversation biff you can laugh at yourself and change the subject, so I'd say it's the solo stub. Either way, you go to the penalty box and you feel shame.

We Want Cleveland!

Yup, that’s right. This Eastern Conference Finals thing has gone beyond just the norm; it’s simply a foregone conclusion. It’s the inherited right of the Detroit Pistons and us the fans. Despite how the presses continue to spin the eventual demise of Detroit Basketball; Joe Dumars just keeps breathing new life into the legacy of this era. Then again, just what is the legacy of this era of Detroit Basketball? We’ve cemented our place and reputation under the model of consistency. Yet, when is good simply not good enough?

When you stop and think about it, the Pistons still only have one Championship banner hanging from this era, although perhaps were just a Robert Horry triple away from hanging a second. Watching that banner slip through the finger tips served to invigorate this group with the hopes and expectations to ascend to the throne once again. However, the flip side has merely resulted in the Pistons transforming into the NBA’s version of the Atlanta Braves. Always close enough to sniff the perfume or get the phone number, but never quite good enough to get the chick in bed.

The difference within the Pistons is success has bred altered perceptions. That is in the sense of the players themselves, losing the chip on their shoulders and their edge at times. Essentially, turning off the gas pedal and not giving a worthy opponent their due respect. You may have heard something along those lines referred to as “flipping the switch.” It’s been the mantra or dare I say excuse for this group ever since they came so close to clinching title #2 during Game 7 at San Antonio in 2005. In fewer words, they’ve had this preconceived notion that simply deserved and belonged in the NBA Finals.

Well, that hasn’t happened recently and the Stones can only blame themselves for those shortcomings. The Pistons let Miami slip past them in 2006, because of internal chemistry reaching a melting point. Last season, the Pistons dissed Cleveland at every turn of the corner, failed to acknowledge the worthy challenge, let a rookie reign on their parade and before you knew it fell victim to a virtuoso LeBron performance in Game 5. Joe Dumars made it abundantly clear at the onset of this post-season that anything less than the NBA Finals would be a failure after letting two golden opportunities evaporate.

So, here we are back in the Eastern Conference Finals and opportunity is knocking on the door once again. Insert Cleveland. Yes, that’s right…we want the Cavs in all their glory. We want the Cavs to dispel the bitterness of last season, to prove it was a fluke. To prove that we are still hungry, to prove that we can “flip the switch” and to close the door on an inferior opponent. And let’s face it; the Pistons had ever opportunity to close the door on the Cavs last season.

As per usual they cockily strutted into Cleveland for Games 3 & 4, ironically though they had every conceivable chance to win both games. However, it was LeBron and some dude the Cleveland fans were calling “Boobie” that put the closing moves on the Pistons, instead of vice versa. If we’d learned anything up those games, it was always the Pistons who were known for closing games down the stretch. Questions of turmoil began to fester and it was much too late for the Pistons to regroup by the time LeBron unleashed his performance for the ages. The Pistons simply couldn’t recover, nor did it seem as if they had the urgency to recover.

They looked for scapegoats, looked to blame officials, began with “we’re tired” excuses, basically anything to avoid acknowledging that they had been outdone by a King and his jesters. Many will point to LeBron’s dunk over Sheed near the end of Game 3 that changed the tide of the series and they are probably correct. However, weren’t the Pistons supposed to be the veteran group that could move on and re-group? Well, enough about hammering on what happened last year, fast forward to the present.

The Pistons are better than the Cavs, bottom line. Sure, the Cavs have LeBron who is hands down the most dangerous player on the court at any given time. However, no offense to the Cavs roster, but the odor lingers like a stale fart. Seriously, you have to be delusional not to think otherwise. It’s not meant to be a slight or geared to enrage the “Rise Up” nation. Rather, it’s an honest observation and argument that I’ve had plenty of times with my buddies who live solely for the entity that is LeBron James and Cleveland.

How LeBron James is able to fend off the urge to demand an upgrade is beyond me. He’s hardly playing with a stacked deck of cards, as Kobe now can boast. LeBron is fascinating, a made prodigy come true and he’s dragged this cast of misfits damn close to the finish line. You just have to ask yourself; would any of these guys start for any other team remaining in the Playoffs? I rest my case.

That all said…Cleveland has done everything to copy the model of the Pistons. From building around defense and cast-offs to arena antics. They even have their own pseudo “Mason” as the PA announcer. The player introductions are something Dan Gilbert has practically replicated from Detroit. It’s comical that this Detroit business man has pulled out all the similar theatrics of the Pistons. I can’t wait for the day we hear the chant “CLEVELAND BASKETBALL!!!” The Cavs even plucked longtime Detroit Sports Net announcer Fred McLeod.

In actuality, all these things are great, because they spill over into the ongoing rivalry. And despite what Rasheed Wallace would like to believe this is indeed a rivalry. This time around the Pistons will come with something to prove. There will be no excuses and no worries of taking the Cavs for granted. It’s almost as if we need the Cavs, as much as they want us. The motivation, the hunger it’s all there and we all know Sheed is more than ready to challenge his old buddy Ben Wallace. Is it enough to ensure a guarantee the Pistons will prevail this time around?

Absolutely not. As long as LeBron James looms over this series, there should always be fear. However, that’s not to say we don’t want the Cavs. Shit, Piston fans have been waiting almost 365 days for a chance to rectify the situation. This is what we want and we want it bad. So, here’s to pulling for Cleveland to "rise up" and finish off the Celtics, giving us all a refreshing dose of this rivalry. Bring it on Cavs.

Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #4

Getting Strip Searched

You might not believe me when I tell you this, but I speak from experience here. It's true, my friends and I had to get naked on the way to Canada once over a college spring break. Fortunately, we were clean as the floor in a West Village Taco Bell. Nevertheless, once you have been strip searched, you're changed. Contrary to popular belief, there is actually no probing, but the the inspectors do stand behind a table (yep, there's 2 of em) and instruct you to remove each piece of clothing one at time and then place it on the table. Upon massaging every single article of clothing, they kindly send you on your way for a nice three hours of silence in the car before you realize you just just wrote one of the better stories in your personal storybook.

Badly-Concieved Sports Movies

With Tom Cruise's movie "Valkyrie" being postponed until 2009 due to production problems and lackluster test audience response, you've really got to wonder who thought a movie about Hitler's assassination was a good idea.

The only way you can do a good Nazi movie is just have Harrison Ford kick the crap out of large bald German men who end up getting chopped up by an airplane propeller. Anything other than that is just stupid.

Also, for Tom to do a movie like this, with all the "credibility" problems he's been having, it's just a rotten cherry on top.

And that got me thinking about movie ideas, sports movies in particular, and ideas that just shouldn't be green lighted for production.

The Roger Clemens Story

The guest appearance from Hanna Montana's lead star might be a little much.

Rudy 2: The 2007 Notre Dame Irish

With Hank Hill from "King of the Hill" playing Charlie Weis, this would prove to be one of the most depressing over-dog movies of all-time.

Danica Patrick: Racing for Gold

... and running into pit crew members.

O.J. Simpson's "I Did It" in movie form

Once again, O.J. keeps managing to prove his innocence.

Art Shell: A Coaching Story

The problem would be coming up with an actor that could look perpetually confused for two straight hours on film.

The 2004 Seattle Mariners

Watch this epic film about how the Mariners avoided losing 100 games by losing 99 games instead.

The Marv Albert Story

Please god, no.

Why the Miami Dolphins suck

Could rival the Lord of the Rings trilogy as the longest movie of all time. It would be a comedy of course, staring Fran Drescher as Bill Parcells.

For more posts from the man with the van, stop by Just South of North.

Things That Are Impossible To Look Cool While Doing #3

The Snowplow

I suppose we can cut a little slack for those readers who utilize the snowplow, because they are: a) one and half years old or b) preparing to rip a sicky-sicky gnar Johnny Mosely Dinner Roll, but broadly speaking if you are using the snowplow, you're done. I suppose it is an effective way to learn to ski, but if it's beyond 2:30 pm on your first day and you are still using the plow, you should take up snowboarding. The whole resort will thank you, because it is both painful and awkward to watch you. If you do insist upon utilizing the snowplow, go for the gusto; ditch the poles and torpedo down the mountain until you take someone out. At least that way, you might end up on youtube.

Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing #2

Standing Next to Your Husband at the Podium While He Submits His Resignation

Brain: Just stand here and smile, OK? OK. Wait, no it’s not fucking OK. That little skinny little prick just barebacked a lousy whore who is half my age while I sat at home and pleasured myself with a goddamn vibrator that reeks like old roast beef. Weird, he totally looks like one of the mice from that movie, Flushed Away.

Reporter: And Mrs. Spitzer, what is your reaction to the news of Elliot’s infidelity? Mrs. Spitzer? Silda?

Brain: Wake the fuck up, he's talking to you. Just smile and say the line already.

Silda Spitzer: I stand by my husband.

Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing #1

Just as the summer rut seemed to be setting in, I think we just got the little spark we needed. We're kicking off a new ongoing feature. It's called, yep you guessed it, "Things That Are Impossible to Look Cool While Doing." We're gonna tear through these till we get bored of it, but the idea is 100 right now. Also, we're taking submissions to, so feel free to email us at waynefontesghost (at) gmail.com if you have a funny one. Anyway, here goes the first one.

Smoking 100s

For the women, look it’s not 1987, nobody sells cigarettes in metal containers, and most people think Benson & Hedges were the black guys on 227. Smoking 100s looks dumb for you, but what’s worse; it’s ultimately going to lead to men smoking them. Men smoking 100s is one of the more awkward looking things on Earth. It’s up there with the feeling we get when we try on the tight ass Seven Jeans that our girlfriends buy us, because they think will look good. Neither of these things looks good.

What Has Gotten Into Johan Franzen?

With 27 goals in his last 27 games, Johan Franzen and the Red Wings finally have sports fans taking notice to the NHL Playoffs. Franzen has ascended from mass anonymity to the league's most unlikely superstar. The Wings have barreled over everything in their path behind Franzen's record-setting offense. The question remains, what the hell has gotten into this unknown, previously defensive-minded lethal weapon?

1) Johan is annoyed that his publishers keep making him add the letters "nat" to his first name in all of political satire novels.

2) He desperately wants to get his overall rating in NHL 2009 into the nineties.

3) Still pissed off about the banning of the octopus twirling at home games.

4) Would prefer the nickname, "the Locust" to the "Mule" or "Franzenstein" any day.

5) Thinks he gets to drive this sweet dump truck when he wins the Conn Smythe.

6) When he looked through the record books, he was sick and tired of the missing "E" in Petr Klima's name.

7) He always wanted to use the pickup line, "Have you ever ridden a mule?"

8) He finally realized what coach Mike Babcock was talking about when he kept giving him the "green light."

9) Still bitter that Ross McKeon revoked Detroit's Hockeytown status and gave it to St. Paul.

10) He just has that killer Swedish work ethic.

Links of the Week

Well it's another day, another dollar, and another Friday finally. We'll cut to the chase, because it's a stormy one out there today. We'll kick it off with another hot underrated 80s video and head straight to the links. Enjoy your weekend folks and we'll see ya next week. Without further ado, this is Taco Ockerse and just like these neon-clad clowns, he's "Super Duper."



Phil Bronstein, a former Hunter S. Thompson editor, provides a nice little memoir of the madman at SF Chronicle. If you didn't know, Hunter provided that fine little quote on our GoWF banner up at the top of the page.

The guys at Rumors and Rants are keeping tabs on Rudy's finances, which thankfully, are fine.

One Droo Hill updated the United Countries of Baseball Map that went around about a year ago. Looks pretty solid and the color scheme is nice too.

Busted Coverage drummed up a new picture of an inebriated Kyle Orton, which people always seem to enjoy. Who would have ever thought a rich 25 year-old kid who doesn't get any playing time would get drunk and hit on girls?

The Sports Diva over at Epic Carnival is keeping tabs on Shaq's crime fighting career now that he moved to Phoenix... And that gives me an idea for next week.

Foul Balls found a clip of Barkley reading "I'm a dumbass" off the teleprompter.

G Money debates the worst sons of all time in his Thursday Debate. Those Reid kids look like a couple of dicks don't they?

Finally, the Sports Hernia runs through the root causes of all of A-Rod's fainting spells. I know how you feel A-Rod. The first time I heard 525,600 Minutes, I totally lost it too.

That Bad, Eh?

There is certainly no love lost around these parts when it comes to the Detroit Lions. Sure, we stand by our dung-heap team for the most part, but we'll happily dish our helpings of mean-spirited criticism to the most-mismanaged sports franchise in the history of the world.

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Well, according to this Fox Sports poll, which at last count had tallied over 53,000 votes, the Detroit Lions are the worst professional sports franchise in all of sports. We knew they were awful, but even we wouldn't have suspected the worst in all of sports.

Note: The voter's poll ranks them #1, while the writer slotted them at a much more respectable 5th worst.

The Detroit Lions are perpetually in a three-to-five year rebuilding plan, but they rarely get out of year one. The Lions have never played in the Super Bowl and have had just one playoff win since 1957. Part of the problem has been thrifty ownership, but don't discount their ability to make some of the worst personnel decisions in the NFL.

Puzzling personnel plays: Drafting Reggie Rogers, Andre Ware, Aaron Gibson, Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams.

Remember ... 2001: Head Coach Marty Mornhinweg benched starting quarterback Charlie Batch after he was sacked seven times in the season opener. Mornhinweg then put in Ty Detmer, who proceeded to throw seven interceptions against the team from which he was acquired, the Cleveland Browns — and Mornhinweg stuck with Detmer the next game. The Lions finished the season with only two wins.

Shouldn't there be some sort of statute of limitations that front offices are only allowed a grand total of three rebuilding phases before it becomes seriously detrimental to the well-being of the local citizens?

Thanks Scrodnals for the tip.